You know this was only going to be a short story, but here we are at 26. Your reviews and postings are making it worth while. Thanks every one.
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Chapter 26.
Christian
I kick the apartment door open and the sight I dreaded met my eyes; Leila is standing besides Ana with a hand gun.
"Stand aside Sir, let me deal with this." commands Taylor
"No I'll deal with her you take Ana downstairs out of harms way and call Flynn."
I found myself quite suddenly slipping into my alter ego, my dominant self.
"I'm not sure what you mean, your dominant self" Elliot
"It's a part of me that is in complete control. It's all to do with the BDSM scene; Leila is a natural submissive and when she is in that mindset she willing accepts my dominance over her. She knows that under my control she won't have to think for herself, she can hand that responsibility to me and I will take care of her. I think that it is what she has been craving for from me as her master to take all her worries away, in some ways it is a cry for help.
"You see Elliot BDSM is not just about sex, it is control over a submissive in all things, and it's having total power over someone's entire life style."
I stop at this point because it suddenly hits me;
"This is what Elena has done for me since I was fifteen!" I whisper.
Elliot looks aghast "This is what Flynn was trying to get through to you. That in her eyes she is still sees you as her submissive, and it's pissing her off to finally realise you are not under her control anymore; you are your own man. You know Christian, I would never hit a woman, but she had better hope that she doesn't cross my path because I might not be able to control myself."
I look at him my eyes wide, my brother who fought for me and along side of me when we were kids, is still there willing to stand in my corner. And I feel very humble. He doesn't know how much that means to me.
But, he may yet change his opinion of me.
"So you became dominant over Leila?" he prompts.
" Leila was looking at me, Christ, she looked so different, she was pale and thin, filthy; dirty lank hair dirty old trench coat dark shadows around her eyes.
I looked at her, full Dom stance, and commanded her to kneel. She drops instantly to her knees, head bowed and hands resting on her thighs, the total submissive. The gun skitters across the floor and I pick it up.
"Taylor, take Anastasia down stairs" I order I want her out of the way, away fro all this.
Ana her self looks horrified. She has never seen me in complete Dom mode interacting with a sub and I think she is shocked to her core.
"Anastasia, go with Taylor back to Escala." she seems rooted to the spot.
"Why?"
"I need to speak to Leila alone." She still doesn't move but I need her to go so I can deal with all this shit that probably I am responsible for. I think that Leila needs my help but in her sick mind sees Ana as a stumbling block to getting to me. So I'll be able to help better with Ana out of the way.
"Miss Steele, Ana "Taylor takes her hand and tries to lead her out of the door, she won't budge.
"Anastasia, for once in your life, will you do as you're told and go?" I command.
Eventually, Taylor picks her up and carries her downstairs.
Then I help Leila take a bath whist we wait for Flynn. She doesn't respond to any questions, she just obeys my instructions blindly. I think that she was so traumatised by what ever has happened in her life over the past three years, that she is so relieved to have someone to direct her.
"What happened to her?" asks Elliot quietly.
"I don't know yet. Flynn gave her a mid sedative and took her to his clinic for treatment."
"You know Christian, this getting a bit like a fuckin' soap opera" Elliot smirks
"Well you wanted to know, and I'm telling you what it's like being fifty shades of fucked up. "
"Thanks bro. is that the end of it all? You still haven't told me everything yet have you?"
"I'm afraid not, because it just gets better and better. Especially that evening."
"I'm all ears"
Ana is not at Escala when I get back, so I panic. I'm already wound up with the events of the evening, my first thought is that things have got too much for her and she has left me again. I can't blame her, all the stuff that has happened this weekend, what girl wants to be involved with all that shit?
But I'm dying inside, I have to know where she is so that I can go and talk to her. I call Taylor and ask what happened after he took Ana downstairs. He tells me she and Kavenaugh had gone to a bar for a drink. And he is looking for them now.
Why the fuck did he leave them? Of course he came back up to the apartment to help me with Leila.
"What help did you need, you said you had her under your control" Elliot is baffled.
"Well I had; but Taylor was looking out for me. God knows what would be meant as help be seen as inappropriate by anyone else if Leila decided to tell that I had helped her bathe, so Taylor was my witness.
I'm really getting pissed off when Taylor and the others in the team can't find her; I'm just about to tell them to get the lead out and fuckin well find her when she strolls through the door. "She's here…"I tell them and hang up.
And in my usual gentle manner I say to her "Where the hell have you been!"
"Nice one bro, Mr tactful and understanding"
"Quite.
She stands there blinking at me, she's swaying a bit and she's looking flushed
"Have you been drinking?" I ask angrily. And all I can think about are the fucking rules she's not supposed to drink!
"Just a bit" says Miss smart mouth which pissed me off more. I'm so exasperated I'm nearly tearing my hair out. I'm so angry, I'm sure she is going to be scared of me and run.
"I told you to come back here, it's fifteen after ten, do you know how worried I've been about you? "
She glowers at me" I went for a drink, or three with Ethan while you attended to your ex!" she spits at me venomously. "I didn't know how long you where going to be…" she says taking a deep breath, her body sags," with her! "She completely gives up utterly sad and defeated.
"Why do you say it like that?"
She's going to run I know it, I just fucking know it. And I don't think I can stand it, my heart is in my mouth.
Then she looks down at her hands, knotting her fingers in front of her.
"I'm no good for you" she whispers
"What, why would you think that" I'm horrified doesn't she know how much I love her?
"I know I can't be every thing you need," her voice is so quiet
"You are every thing I need, everything I want"
"But, Christian, I saw felt it… felt what you had together…" her voice fades mournfully; she's made up her mind.
My mind is in turmoil she can't go she can't" You're running?" I whisper.
I'm not really talking to Elliot now I'm just remembering the agony of the moment so I'm rambling on…
"No, no she can't leave just because I tried to fix it for Leila, but she confuses with something else.
I love only her, I'm just too fuckin afraid to show her who I really am because if I do she might not like it and it's all I got. I know I'm unworthy, but is my love so bad for her to be around. I can't think straight. I'm panting try to put a coherent thought together and all I can come out with is- you can't
"Christian, I… "She Says bewildered, "I…" she can't say the rest of her thoughts; she wants nothing to do with me,
She's going, and it's just agony. I rather she hit me, haunt me, hurt me anything; and then my mind clouds over and I sink to my knees, my head bowed, my hands resting on my thighs; I'd regressed into the complete submissive I once was. Staring down, ready for her commands, ready for her punishment, I am her slave. Ready for my mistress.
Elliot is staring at me and I realise I have been drifting off into my memories saying them out loud.
"Sorry, I lost it there for a moment." I croak. Shuddering with the memory
"You were that scared you were willing to go back into that role? Surely you had more faith in Ana than that!"
"Elliot, I could understand why she didn't want to stay, that's the point, and she thought that I couldn't live without that lifestyle especially after seeing me with Leila. But I will do anything rather than have her leave. She could turn into Elena anything rather than leave me, abandon me to nothing. I'll take her anyway I can."
"But she loves you she would want you like that and Ana could never be an Elena" he exclaims.
"I know. Because of what happens.
"I hear her voice coming through my mist, "Christian, Christian what are you doing?" she sounds panicky.
But in my submissive state I cannot answer her; she hasn't given me permission to speak.
"Christian, look at me."
My mistress says to look at her; I obey, ready to do what she wishes.
She is scared and bewildered, looking at me terrified.
"Why are you doing this" She can barely speak. I cannot answer she hasn't given me permission to talk.
"Christian, you don't have to do this," tears are running down her cheeks. She sounds desperate but I cannot respond without her say so; "Talk to me" she pleads.
Looking at her passively, "What do you want me to say" Oh my mistress is distress but I cannot comfort her, I cannot wipe away her tears, I am her slave and I don't have the right.
"Christian, I've told you, and told you, and told you I am not going to run" she sinks to her knees in front of me, this is all wrong, a mistress doesn't go down to the level of her slave.
She wipes the tears from her face with her hands and she stares intently into my face my eyes widen a little, I want to wipe her tears, but I have to submit and I haven't been given permission to touch her.
"Don't do this" She pleads, "I'm not going to run," is this true "It's just that with all that's happened all I've seen. You know it's all overwhelming, and all this baggage that comes with you.
I need some time to myself time to get my head around it all, I thought that if I went back to the apartment I would have time to think this all through. Do you trust me so little? Why do you always think the worst?"
I don't answer, I can't I'm too locked in my place.
"Seeing you with Leila was a wake up call for me. I realised that I am not good enough for you and it scared me; scared me to the core that you will get bored of me and not want me anymore." tears are streaming down her face and she looks thoroughly beaten. "And do you know what will happen to me then? I'll be like Leila, and empty tortured soul." she doesn't look at me anymore but down at her hands. She takes a shuddering breath;
"I love you Christian Grey, but I've never understood why you find me attractive, you are beautiful, sexy, successful, you're good too, kind and caring," She looks at me, "and me, well I just don't know what you see in me"
Doesn't she know how lovely she is that she is my saviour, my reason for living? That she is the one who has brought me into the light!
Her eyes bore into me beseeching me to come out of my submissive trance.
"Are you going to kneel on the floor all night, because I will too" She snaps at me, "
And finally, I can lift my head and the Christian she is used to seeing comes back
"Talk to me, please" she begs
And I find myself looking at her
"I was so scared when I saw Leila in your apartment; I was so angry with you, with Taylor with myself, I just wanted you out of there. Then she gave me a clue, she looked so contrite and seeing her in that state, I knew what I had to do, and knowing I might have something to do with her breakdown… She might have harmed you and I couldn't let that happen. But. You. Just. Would. Not. Go. Anastasia Steele you are the most stubborn woman I know."
I hear Ana sigh a deep shuddering sigh; I look at her and the strength of my feelings and frustration has brought me back from the abyss I was nearly drowning in; she is still here, Her words come back to me like an echo, I have told you, and told you, and told you I'm not going to run.
"You weren't going to run?"
"NO!"
The waves of panic that have been washing over me calm at last.
"I thought,… this is me Ana, all of me, I'm all yours and I'll take you what ever way I can get you…what do I have to do to make you realise that I love you?"
"I love you too Christian, seeing you like this; I-I thought I had broken you" her face is full of sadness and pain
"No Ana you are my lifeline "I take her hand in mine and hold it to my chest against my heart. This is what I have to do I have to get over my phobia and allow her to touch me. For a moment it is agony, her warm hand there. I have to hold on for her sake. This is Ana her touch will heal me this is Ana repeating these words in my head. I am gradually able to let go and leave her hand there.
She knows the distress I am in and she starts to take her hand away but grasp it again.
"No Ana touch me." I whisper
She moves closer to me and lifts her other hand to show me she is going to extend her touch, I nod, I need to do this. I have to let Ana touch me in the no-go areas. We both need this contact.
She gently touches my face with her free hand and slides it over my cheek, down my neck and around to my open shirt collar. She manages undo the next button down she gently flexes the fingers in the hand that I am holding and I let go.
She is looking at me steadily, her blue eyes wide with anticipation, she understands what this is doing to me and she is ready to stop at the first sign that I can't take anymore. I have to let her do this. I have to get over this for her.
She unbuttons the rest of my shirt, then so slowly so gently she eases it off my shoulders.
I'm clenching my teeth in an effort to stop myself from screaming out and she starts to take her hands away.
"No I need to do this, "I grunt, tightly closing my eyes
She gently strokes her fingers across my chest and it is sweet agony no one has touched me there in so long a time. It's almost too much but I let her carry on, this is Ana this is ok
She softly kisses one of my scars and I groan. She pulls back, "Again" I whisper and she kisses another, then another. It's so overwhelmingly intense I want her to kiss me and touch me but that is as far as I can go this time. I hold her tightly in my arms.
"Oh Ana."
I put my hand in her hair and gently tug her head until she is looking up at me then I kiss her with all that I have. I pull her under me on the floor as I kiss her and she knots her fingers in my hair as if she is trying to bind me to her. I feel dampness on my face.
"Christian, please don't cry" is that what I'm doing? "I meant it when I said I'd never leave you. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you, I will always love you.".
But will she love me when she knows the real me what I'm capable of, no then she will surely run to the hills. But it must be better to get it over with now what the point of holding back and have it festering in the background.
She knows I am holding back.
"What is it, what is this secret that makes you so certain, I'll run to the hills? " she is begging me. "please, please tell me"
I look down into her I have to do this what's the point my depravity will always catch up with me and she deserves the truth"
Elliot is watching me intently, he looks terrified at what I'm going to say, so for the second time I say out loud what I have always known in my heart.
"I'm a sadist, I like to whip little brown haired girls like her because they remind me of the crack whore, my birth mother; I'm sure you can guess why"