December 2010

Due to the journalism teacher's untimely illness, which I, Sue Sylvester, had absolutely nothing to do with, the December issue of the William McKinley High School Gazette has been CANCELLED. That's right. You read that correctly. So if you're reading this, then that means you are smart enough to figure out how to work a computer for this is the SUE SYLVESTER ONLINE CHEERIOS EXTRAVAGANZA! My squad of champions deserves a little reward for their death-defying risks and potentially paralyzing stunts every now and then. After all, what kind of coach would I be if I didn't instill a sense of pride in them? Anyway, Cheerleading Monthly Magazine wanted to do an interview with not only me, but my star performers as well. However, they refused to pay me for my services so I decided that we'd take our little show elsewhere, like the McKinley HS website. And as you well know, these interviews are only going to cost you $10 to read. And ten more if you accidently hit refresh. And ten more if you stay on the page too long. And ten more if you are viewing this from Canada, Vermont, Hawaii, or the Ben Israel household. Credit/Debit only. You can pay here.

Brittany Pierce

Santana Lopez

Quinn Fabray

Meet Brittany Pierce, my best dancer. Other activities include the newspaper, the club which shall not be named, and gallivanting through the streets naked. Formerly the slut of the celibacy club. I used to think she had cheese for brains, Swiss cheese at that, but I have come to realize that perhaps she is smarter than ALL OF YOU. After all, she probably should still be in seventh grade. Yet here she is, in her third of probably five years of high school, defying the odds. Somehow she even convinced you snot-nosed slush-heads that you should be asking her for advice. Yeah, she gives her Barbies advice too, you idiots. For another ten dollars you can see her picture here. Sure, I had to bribe Figgins to allow her to write anything online, but she's in high demand. And if you feel like reading to whatever she has to write, which tends to be interesting to say the least, see below.

Oh my gosh, Hi! It's like I'm famous! I get to be on the WMHS website again. It's like my dream come true. Blogging is so much fun, but this the real deal. When Coach Sylvester called me to her office and asked me a bunch of questions about journalism and newspaper and stuff I was so excited! Some of her questions were a little weird like what my teacher's allergies were, but I didn't care! Coach finally recognized my talents outside of the Cheerios. Oh! I just remembered so many things I didn't mention to her the first time like tying my shoes! My mom convinced me a couple years ago that they stopped making Velcro shoes in my size and that it was finally time for me to learn.

You clicked my link to learn all about me right? Ok. Here's what you should know. I'm 17, a junior, and I love my cat, Charity. Her name was Curiosity, but I got really scared she was gonna kill herself so I changed it. I am popular and I have a boyfriend. Even though before we started dating, I made out with practically everybody. Like seriously, I had more kisses than a Hershey's factory. My best friend Santana is the absolute best! We do everything together! You know, some people look up to Lindsay Blowhan and other celebrities, but I look up to Santana. She's always got this… swag. Haha. It's like she hops up out the bed and turns her swag on every morning. And me, I'm pretty fierce too. People call me Fierce Pierce from time to time. Ok, more like one time. Ok, I called myself that.

Anyway, it's December! Yay! I already started my letter to Santa, of course. Santana always writes one too, because I make her. Hers always starts out the same way. It says, "Dear Santa, Let me explain." Then it goes into all the gory details of all the bad stuff she's done. Then she ends it with, "I don't know why I'm even writing you, Santa, I've been the naughtiest girl on Earth." Then she gives me the most important task of mailing them to Santa and I do!

Hope you enjoyed! Love and peace!

Meet Santana Lopez. Other activities include: being a pain in the ass, probably Spanish club with all the other taco eaters, and singaholics anonymous. She's breast friends forever with one Brittany Pierce. If she goes to college, Senorita Lopez plans to join a sorority just so she can have a support group with like-boobed people. You know… the fake kind. Becky, what do you mean I have to say something nice about her? What do you mean you're typing everything I say word for word? Oh. You're right. That is what a scribe is. Well, Sandbags has a decent looking face if you can tear your eyes away from her chest long enough to look. She has an awful personality, that's for sure. I had a really good joke about Titty Titty Bang Bang, but I can't put that on the website, can I? What a shame. Hey Becky, what do you say we go grab some lunch? Oh yeah. You can see Santana's picture here for free. This might be the first time her image pops up on your computer, but it'll probably the last time she has clothes on. Don't worry, the picture I linked is just her yearbook photo. How's Chinese sound, Becky?

I really despise Coach Sylvester for making me do this. It's bad enough I have to blog all the damn time with Brittany. Although she might tell you that I secretly love blogging, I so don't. I have much better things I could be doing with my time. Like tanning, even though I'm Latina and totes don't need to tan. Or I could be filing my nails. And you can just forget about anything that Coach told you about me, because it's most likely a lie. Did you know that Sue is supposed to have a budget to feed us when we go on trips and stuff? You know what she really uses that money for since we're not allowed to eat? Track suits. What she should do is let us eat as many complimentary Breadstix as we can shove in our mouths.

Well since you paid ten dollars, ya gonna getz ya moneyz worth. Here's what you need to know about me. But I ain't telling you enough for you to come creep on me. Because we have attack dogs. And I will unleash them on you, just like I will set them loose on April! Ya hear that, Spray Tan? You come around my house and you can just forget about walking ever again. I'm not a total heartless bitch though. I will hook you up with a wheelchair should my dogs break your spinal cord. Granted, I'd have to steal it from this other cripple I know, but it's whatever. I can only describe him as McLovin on four wheels. Like seriously, he is so awkward. He breathes all heavy and junk. He also does this thing where sometimes he talks all ghettos like he's from the hood or something. Yeah, I could teach him a little somethin' somethin' LHA style, but I ain't gonna. That's not the only thing about him that bothers me, ya know? Like, I do this thing every year where I write a letter to Santa with Britt and that's it. I don't say or do anything else to keep convincing her he's real. It was sort of like her parents never told her because they didn't want her to ruin it for her little sister, but then that whole thing just kind of blew up in their faces because she's 17 and she still believes in Santa. But Artie- wait til you hear this- Artie is going all out. He is taking her to the mall to see some fatass in a red suit. And he's dragging all of us along with him. I wouldn't go except I know it would break her freakin' heart. Ugh. I just want some bling for Christmas.

Meet Quinn Fabray. Other activities include: birthing bastard children, that despicable glee club, and talking through her nose. She used to organize Chastity Balls, but if her other activities are any indication, she doesn't anymore. She's a somewhat decent head cheerleader as long as she doesn't lactate during practice. That was part of our agreement when she returned to the squad. Here is her picture for $15.

Sorry. Hilary Duff, I mean Quinn, was sick the day we had to fill these out. So as her close friend, I thought I'd fill it in for her. It's Santana, again, btw. Quinnie Quinn Quinn. What's there to know? Quinn may seem like a goody good, but really she is a lying POS. Kidding. But not really. She had a baby then gave it up for adoption. Sadly, MTV never got back to her on her application for Sixteen and Pregnant, but maybe I was the one who sent it in. Whoops! Nor did they respond to the Teen Mom app I sent in either.

Basically that's all there is to Quinn. She's a slut.

(57 Comments – Post A New Comment)

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Hey Brittz, have you ever noticed that there's a locker between ours?
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Yeah. It's the strangest thing. I don't think I've ever seen anybody use it. I wonder whose it is.
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Probably some geek who's too intimidated by our beauty to even come near it
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Maybe it's Tina's. She's Asian and all stealthy ninja-like. Or Mike. And they're just so fast we never see them!
- LadyDemon wrote: Normally this is where I would say stop stereotyping Asians, but at the moment I'm having trouble getting past this level of Angry Birds. Those dang pigs! They keep smiling at me! How did they not die that time?
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: You're killing pigs?
- LadyDemon wrote: Relax. It's just a game. You'd be addicted too

Finntastic5 wrote: Hey! I was expecting to have to pay money for all of this, but it didn't even take my credit card information.
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Well, you see Finn, Coach Sylvester has ignored just about every standard in the teaching code of ethics including but not limited to professional conduct, abuse of students, etc. Personally, I was shocked to discover she wanted to profit from the pictures (except Santana's of course) without express written consent especially when that is such an unflattering angel for Quinn. Also, since those profits are going directly to Coach Sylvester, I knew that I could not let her get away with it! So I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine.
- QueenQuinn wrote: Wait, you know all this stuff about ethics yet you mixed up angle with angel?
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I never said I was perfect, Quinn. To continue with my story, I enlisted the help of Becky and Jacob to ensure that all content on this page was free. However, I did encode a timer on this portion of the website that will delete everything on here in a week. Should Coach or someone from the administration try to access this, it will self-destruct. But not literally, because then their computers would explode too. I think.
- Finntastic5 wrote: Won't she get mad when she realizes she's not getting any money?
- QueenQuinn wrote: We can just say no one visited the site.
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Yeah. That was definitely my sister who said and did all that stuff… She logged in under my name. Maybe I should change my password from 1234. She's really smart though, isn't she? People say she takes after me.

Brittany$parkles wrote: Tina, I need an answer. Yes to Cho Chang or no?
- LadyDemon wrote: Fine whatever. Gotta get those golden eggs.

BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Brittz, I've tried calling you like three times. Whatever you do, don't read my segment. Please… just don't read it.
- Brittany$parkles wrote: You said the magic word, so I won't! Why though? Did you write about all the kinky stuff we do did or something?
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: No! Nothing like that. But I am really starting to regret it now.
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Haha. Ok. I just have one condition… Any other comments you make on here has to be a song lyric.
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Are you sure? Because in case you haven't noticed, I'm hilarious. People enjoy my comments. Ok fine. If that's what it's gonna take, I'll do it.
- Brittany$parkles wrote: loooooooooooves you!
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: lovezzz you too

PuckerUp wrote: SANTANA, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: I'm bossy. I'm the bitch you love to hate
- Brittany$parkles wrote: What did you say you wanted for Christmas again, San?
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill

PorMyselfACrantini wrote: Brattiny, I have to say goodbye for now. I am going on a Christmas Cruise with one of my man friends. Hope your little friend Speedy Gonzalez doesn't cry herself a river when all she gets is coal on Christmas morning.
- Brittany$parkles wrote: it's not goodbye. I'll see you later!
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Boats and Hoes
- PorMyselfACrantini wrote: And P.S.- Crunchwrap Supreme, I ain't afraid of your dogs. What do you got? A Chihuahua?
- LysdexicSam wrote: Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailin on a boat!
- QueenQuinn wrote: wrong song, Sam

QueenQuinn wrote: Santana! I saw what you wrote about me! You did not call me Hilary Duff!
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Santana would like me to relay the following message: Yes, yes she did. She also says she thinks she can get you on True Life: I'm a Celebrity Look-A-Like.

BakedBrett wrote: This is trippyyyyy
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Oh Brett. You used to have so much POTential.
- LadyDemon wrote: Hey, does anybody know what they called the area between the Tigres and Euphrates?
- MChanganator3000 wrote: That would be MesoPOTamia, Tina.
- SuspenderMan wrote: Sam, would you like a banana?
- LysdexicSam wrote: Why yes, they are an excellent source of POTassium. That was what you were going for, right?
- SuspenderMan wrote: fo sho. Brittany, what's your favorite animal?
- Brittany$parkles wrote: I would have to say a hippoPOTamus.
- QueenQuinn wrote: Britt, do you wanna work on some routines later? You could probably use a sPOTter.
- Finntastic5 wrote: I think I need to use the POTty.
- BakedBrett wrote: I feel like there's a hidden message in here. Are you trying to tell me something?

BroadwayBryan wrote: Track suit up!

Brittany$parkles wrote: San, can you help me with my math homework?
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: The square root of 69 is ate somethin'
- SuspenderMan wrote: Don't you mean 8 something?
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Nope ;)
- Finntastic5 wrote: Mailman mailman!
- PuckerUp wrote: SANTANA TEXTED ME AND TOLD ME TO WRITE WANKY SINCE APPARENTLY SHE'S BRITTANY'S BITCH.
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: And that makes you Santana's bitch.
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Oh that's … I just got that and now I have to erase images from my mind! Why would you say that? First killing pigs and now this?

MChanganator3000 wrote: Tina? You still there?
- LadyDemon wrote: Can't talk. Playing angry birds.