Author's Note: Blah blah blah, not mine.
In more important news: if you read this chapter and enjoy it, you should send a PM to ebfiddler thanking her. She was kind enough to beta it for me, and as a result it is enormously better than it started. While you're over there, read some of her stuff; it's really good.
Of course, it is entirely my fault if there is still any grammatical errors, tpyoes, or words missing from the end of.
When Thomas saw that I was intent on leaving the castle, he slammed on the brakes—by which I mean he grabbed my collar, pulled me into a side room and forcibly sat me down while sending Franklin for backup. It was just as well; it gave me some time to ask relevant questions that I had been too excited to think of, review the Brainopedia a bit, and have Suze run off to find some information about where we were going.
When we walked outside half an hour later there was what looked at first like an army of newly-resurrected Landguard waiting for us, but a quick count showed it to be only thirty one. My protective detail walked me straight into the middle of them. I started having flashbacks to high school, being the twiggy nerd that suddenly found himself surrounded by all the football jocks.
I frowned for a moment; that had been an odd thought. Before I could chase the oddity down, however, Thomas was crisply barking out orders.
"Sergeant Baker, mage suppression, arrow guard, and extraction. Sergeant Greenlake, you're still Alpha. Sergeants Carpenter, Wood, and Johnson—" there followed a lot of very involved conversation in Bodyguard, a little-known secret language that I do not speak. There was something about "long range, beer and pour her", but I'm almost positive that's not actually what he said. Common sense told me it had to have been "clear and secure" but that's really not what I heard.
Pretty soon I was wrapped up in four layers of security ranging out in concentric circles for nearly sixty feet. I'm sure each layer had its own purpose for existence and that all of those reasons related to somehow keeping my precious skin intact and unbruised. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely fine with that goal, fully in support of it—one might even go so far as to say "seriously enthused by it." It still seemed like more than a bit of overkill. It was rather like having all of Delta Force escort the head of the high school Dungeons and Dragons club to homecoming.
I shook my head like a fly had landed on me. ~Again, something odd about that last thought, what was it?~ Before I could really nail it down, we were moving, and I lost track of it.
The first few feet were the hardest, as we all sorted out our placements. Suze was just to my left, looking scared by all the surrounding muscle. Thomas was to my right, so close we occasionally bumped shoulders. Duncan was just on the other side of Suze, with the various layers of guards ranging outwards.
I'm pretty sure there have been entire military campaigns that did not require this much organization. Nonetheless, we started moving quickly and—I have no idea how—managed to clear the main gate of the castle without anyone getting tangled up in their own feet or seriously losing their place in the formation. I guess the Landguard really were just that good.
As we moved through the city, I was a little creeped out by the fact that the streets were totally deserted. No windows were open, there were no shoppers, homeless, or beggars visible...it was like passing through a ghost town.
Thomas saw me looking around and he tossed his head, pointing forward with his chin. "Lead units are evacuating the streets we'll be passing through, as well as all adjacent streets, and requiring all windows be closed. I am not risking your life again." He was back to that "like the Terminator, but less cuddly" tone that I remembered from our long-ago conversation upon my arrival.
There really wasn't much to say to that, so I just nodded and kept walking.
o-o-o-o
Half an hour later, we arrived at our destination without ever seeing a living soul. For a place that contained infinite cosmic power capable of making me effectively a god, it didn't look like much.
The building was wood, and small. Despite that, it was neatly kept, with elegantly beautiful carvings on each side of the entryway. Each one was a different natural scene: to the left, a river cut through mountains; to the right, a road lead through a wild meadow; above the door itself, a narrow path wound its way into a forest. The detail was exquisite; I could make out a butterfly over the river, a gooseberry bush in the meadow, and even a city kid like me could tell that the forest was birch and maple.
At the door was an elderly man in a colored robe. Were I a woman, and therefore able to see in 32-bit color, I would probably have said that the robe was 'sea-foam' or something like that. Being as my XY chromosomes only support 4-bit color vision, the robe was 'green.' (Protip for you ladies: if you're shopping with your boyfriend and you ask him "which do you like better, the periwinkle or the lavender?"...no matter what his answer, he's totally guessing. Also, speaking from personal experience, he's probably about ready to gnaw his arm off rather than do more clothes shopping, so the fact that he's there indicates that he truly loves you from the deepest wells of his soul. Just sayin'.)
As we walked up, Suze whispered in my ear: "Holy Brother Jason, son of William. His father and grandfather were both Holy Brothers."
"How may the temple of Ilara serve you this day, Your Lordship?" the old man inquired with a polite, if shallow, bow. He seemed honestly interested and, miracle of miracles, not offended by the Landguard presence. I had expected to have to do a lot of feather-smoothing before I could actually get down to business.
"Holy Brother Jason, thank you for your time. I'm sorry to intrude; I'm sure you have duties to attend, but I wonder if I could ask for your help? I need to find a Chaotic Good Candle of Invocation, and I suspect that the temple of Ilara is the best place."
Jason—rather, the Holy Brother—frowned in confusion. "Yes, of course. We use them to allow the Brothers to memorize extra healing spells for morning clinic, and to make first aid attempts more successful. What do you need one for?"
I smiled crookedly. "I'd like to use the other power of your Candles."
His frown got deeper. "What other power?"
This was the part I was most excited (and terrified) about. Apparently, no one here knew of the other power that I had finally remembered a Candle of Invocation to possess. According to various Internet forums that I had read, there was a truly horrible, massively overpowered exploit available with a Candle...but it depended on the second power of the Candle, which no one here seemed to be aware of. I was hoping that this was ignorance instead of a place where this world diverged from the canonical D&D rules. Also, I was kicking myself for not remembering this sooner.
"There's a special devotion I'd like to perform that can only be done with a Candle to aid in concentration," I told him seriously. It was...sort of true. Jedi true, anyway. I didn't want word of this trick leaking to anyone not part of my inner circle; it was just too powerful to spread around. "Could we please have one of your Candles, Holy Brother? I will of course make a sizable donation to your temple in thanks."
The Holy Brother continued frowning for a moment, but then shrugged and beckoned for us to follow him. He led us to the main room of the temple, where Ilara's altar stood in the center of a ring of pews. The cut and carved trunk of a ten-foot-thick tree, the altar towered over everything else in the room. It looked like birds-eye maple, but no maple tree had ever been large enough to have a spiral staircase carved into its rim.
I waited at the base of the altar until the Holy Brother returned with a lantern containing what was, presumably, the requested world-breaking Candle of Holy-God-That's-Awesome. Honestly, the speed of his return surprised me even more than his willingness to hand over the Candle; did he get so many people in here asking for them that they were kept handily nearby? I wouldn't think so, but given how screwed up this world was, who knows?
As Jason—I mean, the Holy Brother—approached, one of the Landguard stepped smoothly in front of him, relieving him of the lantern and passing it back while bowing politely and offering appropriate expressions of gratitude and appreciation.
The lantern got inspected and then handed through the various layers of my protective detail until it reached my gleeful little paws. I could barely contain my excitement.
There was one critical detail that needed to be handled, so I pushed through the Landguard until I reached our host. "Holy Brother, thank you so much. Please, you must allow me to give you something in exchange for the Candle. Would ten thousand gold be helpful to the temple?"
He bowed, smiling. "Your offer is generous, My Lord, but unnecessary. The Candle is yours for nothing. If you still wish to make a donation I will be grateful, but payment is not required."
That was all I needed to hear. "Thank you, sir. I will definitely make the donation—Suze, could you please ensure it happens no later than tomorrow?" She nodded and I smiled my thanks. "Holy Brother, do you mind if I use the Candle now?"
He gestured to the empty temple with a wry smile. "You're certainly not going to disturb anyone unless you're here until evening service. Please, make yourself at home. How may I assist?" He sounded curious and eager, and I felt bad about having to tell him he couldn't.
I pushed my face into an expression of regret; it was actually hard to do, since my insides were jumping up and down going "Squuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" as I gripped the lantern containing the Candle, but I soldiered on.
"Would it be alright if I asked for privacy?" I asked. It wasn't hard to sound abashed; no matter how excited I was by the promise of infinite cosmic power, I really was embarrassed to be kicking him out of his own temple. Especially since I had told him I was going to do some nifty devotional thing that he didn't know of and had to be seething with curiousity about.
He smiled gently, with more than a hint of regret, but was nice about it. "Of course. I'll be in my quarters. If you need me, just call." He bowed respectfully, turned, and paced out of the room. I was a little surprised, actually. He seemed so blasé about the whole thing. Did his church have so many Candles that he could pass them out like Halloween candy without even watching to see how they were used? Whatever the reason, his cooperation was awfully handy.
I couldn't resist actually rubbing my hands together as I contemplated the power of the simple little light source in front of me, and exactly how badly I was going to take advantage of it.
Here's the thing that I had remembered about the Candle of Invocation: it is vastly more broken even than the Flobovian "economy." It has two powers: grant a cleric of the Candle's alignment a small bonus when memorizing spells or performing various tasks...or allow the owner to cast a Gate spell.
A Gate spell creates a portal that allows travel to and from another plane of existence. It can also summon an extraplanar creature—for example, an elemental like Allison. But there were other creatures in the Outer and Lower Planes, Horatio, than were dreamt of by wise-cracking talking campfires. (Sorry, Bill. Bit of a misquote, I know.) At least two species of extraplanar beasties, the Efreeti and the Noble Djinn, had the ability to grant Wishes. And one thing that Wishes can do is create magic items...including items that grant Wishes.
I sat down crosslegged, tapping my fingers in evilly gleeful enthusiasm. I even let myself say "mwahahaha" just once. It was only in fun...I wasn't really planning to become an Evil Overlord.
Well...maybe just a little? No, no, definitely not, bad Jake. Get thee behind me, O tempting visions of fanatically obedient Legions of Terror.
"Thomas, something large and probably scary looking is going to appear in just a moment. Tell everyone to stand down; no one is to attack unless we are attacked first. And do not, under any circumstances, use your anti-magic trick. I repeat, do not use anti-magic while the creature is here. Clear?"
Thomas nodded. "Understood, M'Lord." Pitching his voice to carry, he repeated the orders "Listen up, people! Incoming, single being, nonhuman. Rules of engagement: reactive combat only, negative mage-suppresion. Say again, negative mage suppression." Turning back to me he nodded decisively. "Ready when you are, M'Lord," he declared, shifting closer with blades in hand.
I could barely keep myself from squeeeing out loud. This was a lifelong dream come to fruition; I had wanted magic powers since I was three years old and now, for a few seconds, I would have them. I was no wizard; the Brainopedia gave me descriptions of all the spells, but I couldn't cast them. But this...this was different. The power of the Candle said that it "allows its owner to cast a Gate spell." No restrictions, no "as long as he's already a spellcaster." Nope, this was so wide open that even an interdimensional tourist like me could do it.
I opened the lantern and picked up the match the Holy Brother had been polite enough to provide with it. Flobovians called them 'tindertwigs', but they were still a stick of wood that burst into flame when you rubbed it on something rough. If it quacks like a duck...
Hands shaking with excitement, I struck the match on the purpose-built rough edge of the lantern and touched the flame to the wick of the Candle of Infinite Exploitableness.
The moment the wick flared alight, I felt something like sun-sparkles slip into my mind. It wasn't visible or audible, it was just energy with no form. There was no sense of intelligence or awareness to it yet it was clearly expectant, waiting for direction. Before I could even formulate the thought, it seized upon my intent and surged into me and through me, a river of shining green light that bore knowledge on its surface. For a split second, I understood it all perfectly—the true fundamental nature of the multiverse and the barriers that divided each plane from each other; the relationship and correspondence of all the planes; the manner in which small extradimensional spaces could be formed within a plane, like a soap bubble blown off the wall of reality. All of it was there, and I laughed in wonder at the beauty, the elegance, and, above all, the simplicity of manipulating it. There was nothing magic about it; it was no more supernatural than an electric light. Electrons making vacuum-sealed tungsten shed photons was no more or less difficult, when you came right down to it, than unstitching all of reality...all it took was a deep understanding of the principles and a little energy applied in exactly the right way.
I took hold of reality and paced across the floor, unzipping the walls of the universe as I went. When I had a slit twenty feet long I tugged on it until the edges of reality rolled up like window blinds, leaving a circle twenty feet across hanging in the air. The edges were limned in tongues of black and gold fire and a brilliant emerald light poured from the hole I had opened in space and time.
Stepping back, I laughed again at how simple it all was. "Gate," I said, the pitch and tone of my voice vibrating the fabric of reality in a carefully calculated harmonic that fed on itself, building up and up until it became strong enough to flip the covers of existence back and pull a creature from another world into this one. "Noble Djinn," I declared, telling reality how I wanted it to be. This was an exploit in and of itself; the spell said that it could summon a 'type of creature'. Summoning "a djinn who happens to be a noble" could be interpreted as outside of that ability but noble djinn had an entry unto themselves in the lists of elementals so, by a very technical definition, they were a separate type and were therefore summonable.
As I spoke, the knowledge vanished. I remembered remembering it, I knew that a moment ago I had understood the underpinnings of existence and how to bend and shape them as I wished. Despite that, it was all gone and the world was just as opaque as it had ever been. I gasped in physical pain; that remembered understanding, deep knowledge, comprehension...it had been like the joy I felt when I put on the Headband, but a million times more powerful. Without it, the world felt cold and dark and I was horribly, horribly alone. I wailed in misery at the loss.
Fortunately, I didn't have long to wallow in my sadness; only a moment after I cast the spell, a giant figure stepped out of the hole I had opened in reality.
"I AM SUMMONED," it boomed. It was the embodiment of an archetype; ten feet tall, the upper body of a swarthy man with an impossibly powerful physique, and a lower body that was a swirl of smoke. The djinni wore a sapphire-encrusted golden armband on each arm and on his head he had a turban capped with a plain gold circlet.
"WHO SUMMONS ALAROS, DUKE OF SEVEN WINDS?" the thing thundered; I swear the walls actually shook.
"I did. I summoned you, Your Grace," I choked out, wiping a tear out of my eye and clearing my throat to get rid of the lump. "As your summoner, I have the right to command you to perform services. But I'm not going to. I want to offer you an opportunity; take it and we both benefit. Refuse, and you can go back to your own plane and I'll give some other djinni the benefit." That was a bit of a bluff; I only had the one Candle, and I wasn't sure that Jason would be able to give me more. I judged it worth it; the improved probability of success given a willing djinni as my Wish-granter outweighed the possibility he might say no. Plus, I could always compel him later if I had to.
Alaros raised an eyebrow and folded his arms. "I'M LISTENING," he boomed, his words bouncing strangely off the wooden walls of the temple.
I rubbed my ear in pain, and considered asking the Duke if he could please use his inside voice. A moment's reflection suggested that it wouldn't be the wisest possible choice.
"You have the power to grant three Wishes to your summoner...but no djinni can grant a Wish to another djinni. You have this power, but you can never benefit from it yourself...unless you deal with me. I'll give you the benefit of two of the Wishes, in exchange for some considerations."
Duke Alaros's eyebrows shot up in amazement. "Few mortals think to make this offer, human. Name your considerations." I noticed the boom was gone, which was great news for my progressive hearing loss.
"Simple: you agree that all agreements between us, including this one and the Wish that I will use for myself, will be observed in spirit as well as in letter and that any ambiguities, interpretations, and / or choices shall be resolved in the manner most favorable to me. I Wish first, and I need to be satisfied by the results of my Wish or you don't get your own Wishes."
Alaros's thunderous laugh rolled across the room. "Ah, mortal. You would deprive me of all the fun!"
I shrugged. "If you want two Wishes for yourself, you agree not to mess with mine. Take it or leave it; I'm sure there are other djinn who would love to make this deal."
He laughed again. "A bargain struck, little mortal! Make your Wish."
I took a deep breath and formulated my wording carefully. The creature in front of me was Good, so it wouldn't try to outright kill or maim me...but it was also Chaotic, so it might not be able to resist working around our bargain. After all, it had freely admitted that mucking with Wishes was fun.
"There is a magic item in the Dungeons and Dragons magic items list named 'Ring of Three Wishes'. I visualize it as a ring made of adamantite which resizes itself to fit its wearer securely so that it will not fall off but can be removed easily when so desired. In my visualization, there are three rubies inlaid into the band. The rubies cannot be harmed while attached to the band but can be removed and crushed in order to activate them. Even when removed, the rubies cannot be damaged by accident but can be crushed easily and harmlessly between the fingers when desired. When activated, each ruby grants the wearer of the ring a Wish."
Alaros was smiling, arms crossed on his chest. I could practically see the sneaky thoughts moving through his head.
I took a deep breath and enunciated carefully for this last part. "My Wish is that you grant me the result of a Wish phrased such that you are required to grant me the afore-described Ring of Three Wishes in a manner that accords with my implicit as well as explicit desires regarding the ownership of the Ring, the function and nature of the Ring, and all other aspects and subjects related to my Wish, with the results of said Wish to be as or more beneficial to me as any Wishes I make at your behest with my two remaining Wishes."
"YOUR WISH IS GRA—" Alaros began in delight, before pausing. Looking up, he started mumbling to himself, occasionally making little back-and-forth gestures with his fingers.
After a few seconds, he winced. "Hang on, I need to write this down. Can you say that again?" He conjured parchment and quill from nowhere and floated down until he could lean over and put his parchment on the floor. I repeated my Wish word for word and he scribbled it down as I went, the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he wrote.
When I finished he started mumbling the Wish to himself. "Result of a Wish...recursive structure, ok. So phrased...requirement to determine the wording myself. Required to grant...implicit as well as explicit...all aspects and subjects...as or more beneficial..." He stopped, looking up and thinking, still mumbling to himself but too softly for me to make it out.
Finally he frowned thunderously and looked back at me with a disgusted twist of his lips.
"Fine, mortal, it's not worth the trouble. Have your Ring," he grumbled. With a magician's pass, he produced a metal ring and tossed it to me. What was a ring for him was more of a wristband for me, but when I slipped it on my finger it shrank to fit perfectly.
"Thank you, Your Grace. Now, what Wishes would you like to have granted?"
He harumphed. "Two of those rings of yours."
I smiled. "They really are the best choice, aren't they? Here you go: for my second Wish, I Wish for a magical ring identical in form and function to the one currently on my finger, so long as the ring on my finger precisely matches the form and function of the Ring of Three Wishes that I Wished for with my first Wish. For my third Wish, I wish for a magical ring identical in form and function to the one currently on my finger, so long as the ring on my finger precisely matches the form and function of the Ring of Three Wishes that I Wished for with my first Wish."
He pulled the rings out of the air and handed them to me. "Here. You Wished for them, you get them." He eyed me with a distrustful look, clearly expecting me to cheat him and keep the rings for myself.
I bowed and handed the rings back to him. "Your Grace, won't you please accept these two rings as a token of my appreciation for your assistance?"
He seemed pleased, but clearly startled that I had actually kept faith. Slipping the rings over his hands, he allowed them to tighten securely around his wrists. "For some reason, I always feel better with bracelets on," he commented amiably before flipping me a casual three-fingered wave. "Been a pleasure working for you, mortal. Enjoy your Wishes." There was a slight snicker in his voice when he said the last, so subtle I almost didn't catch it. Before I could inquire, he turned completely to smoke and was rapidly sucked backwards into a tiny gray ball which promptly popped, presumably returning him to his home reality.
"Mwahahahaha," I cackled, stroking the ring on my finger lovingly. "Yess, my preciousss...infinite Wishes are mine! Mwahahaha!" I stretched out expansively, twisting into the classic bodybuilder pose and clenching my muscles with a grunted "Huuuuunnnhhhhh!" (It was not nearly as impressive as when the Governator does it.) "Infinite Cosmic Power! And no itty-bitty living space, either!"
Thomas was starting to look more than slightly concerned for my sanity.
It took a good minute before I could bring myself to stop drooling over the metaphorical meal and start metaphorically eating it. (Which was, perhaps, a terrible metaphor when discussing a ring made of metal far harder than steel. Although, dentistry here was pretty phenomenal. Meh, whatever.)
Three Wishes remaining.
I extracted the first ruby from the band, crushed it between my fingers, and allowed the fine red dust to drift to the floor. "I Wish to have, in my left hand, a Ring of Three Wishes that is identical in form and function to the one on my finger, with the exception that the new Ring shall have all three rubies in it."
Five Wishes remaining.
The other two rubies went the way of the first and soon I had three adamantine Rings of Three Wishes clinking in my hand.
Nine Wishes remaining. I cackled gleefully and, tucking the now-expended Ring into a pocket of my jeans, I slipped one of the others on my finger.
The world froze around me. Lightning flashed, thunder cracked like two bullet trains slamming head-on into each other and I went flying back to slam into the wooden wall of the temple. When my eyes cleared I was suspended five feet off the floor by a very tall woman who had her hand clamped under my jaw. And by tall I mean 'Duke Alaros would need stilts to dance with her.' If I had to guess, I'd say she was in her early forties; she was rangy and weatherbeaten, with laughlines around her eyes and mouth that said she smiled easily and often. She certainly wasn't smiling now; her eyes were literally flashing, tiny sparks leaping out of them. The air around her crackled like an imminent thunderstorm, and the air reeked of ozone.
So, the thing about being held up by your neck: it's really uncomfortable. She wasn't closing off my airway, she just had her fingers jammed up under my lower jaw. Despite this generosity, I really wished she would put me down.
"How dare you, mortal? How dare you stretch beyond the bounds? How dare you reach for divinity?!" Her voice was like red hot icepicks being rammed into my skull; I screamed and pressed my hands to my ears, trying to block out the agonizing echoes, but they were inside my head now and had to simply be endured.
"I...I wasn't...what bounds? I wasn't trying to be a god, I just wanted some Wishes." I was too rattled by her terrifying presence to think straight, to fully grasp what was happening. What was she talking about? What 'bounds'? Just to add to the fun quotient, I could see all the Landguard stuck in freeze-frame again, which meant this was probably another bloody god. Really unfair thing about gods; they don't feel a need to let you keep your bodyguard with you.
"Hang on there a second, Illy," Harlequin put in from where he lounged, upside down and unsupported, on the wall next to me.
She transferred her gaze from me to him and frowned even deeper. When she finally spoke, her voice was more of a sigh, much like the exasperated tone of an older sister to her obnoxious younger brother. "I told you not to call me that. What do you want, Wilgam? And turn around."
He spun 'round on his center of mass like a pinwheel, not touching the wall or changing his posture at all. When he was right-side-up, his shirt and hair fell upwards. He pulled the shirt back down and held it with one hand while conjuring a pipe with the other and blowing bubbles out of it.
"Good to see you, cuz," Trickster offered insouciantly. "Oh, I'm going by Loki around the kid; that was one of my more successful names in his world. Anyway, I've kinda got this deal on with him, and I'd really appreciate it if you could hold off on snapping him in half until he's paid off his debt to me."
She glared at him for a moment, then folded her arms across her chest. I plummeted to the ground, landing hard and twisting my ankle.
"His breaking of the Edict supercedes your claim," she announced with the tone of a horse trader making an opening bid.
"Weeellllll, that's not entirely clear, now is it? The Edict originally came down from Shailos, and you know what a stickler he is for that whole 'fairness' and 'honor' thing." Jumping to his feet, he grew to match her height so that he could throw an arm around her shoulders, shaking his head in dismay. She shook it off but he affected not to notice. "I mean, sure, you and I might think Shailos is a bit cracked for caring about that stuff, but it's what he's into, so we should probably factor it in. And the mortals don't even remember the Edict. Remember, they're just mayflies; a century sees entire generations dead and buried, and it's been over sixty centuries since Shailos handed down the Edict. He would say that, if they don't know about it, it's not 'fair'"—he actually did the air quotes—"to punish them for breaking it. At least, not kill-you or torture-your-soul-forever kinds of punishments."
She got a sour face on her look, the universal expression that means 'I know you're right and I don't want to admit it.' "Why do you care, Loki? If Shailos wants me to forgive the little rodent, let Shailos come and say so, no need for you to stick your nose into a perfectly simple offense," she grumbled. Things were definitely looking up; 'grumbling' was about ten thousand times more awesome than 'Special Attack: Wave Motion Eyeball Cannons of Nuclear Rage!'
Loki pretended to consider that. "Hmm...yeah, that's not a bad way to look at it," he said thoughtfully. My eyes got big as my champion appeared to desert me, but I wasn't about to draw attention by moving, or talking, or breathing.
Loki's smile suddenly got cruel, and little devil horns popped out of his head. "Of course...there's punishments and punishments. I mean, sure, you could just tear his arms off and erase his existence from the fundamental fabric of reality as a warning to others. A little declassé, but you could do it." He shrugged and sniffed, the very picture of a refined gentleman considering the words of a backwoods bumpkin. "It would be over quick and you could get back to whatever you were doing. Wouldn't really have that much effect on the others, though. Hardly any of them would see it or hear about it more than third hand. It wouldn't seem real to them and it probably wouldn't prevent the next idiot from trying the same 'infinite Wishes' thing. Then we'd have to be back here shredding his soul too, and that just gets tedious after a while. Work, work, work. I mean, really—if Shailos wants to go around pontificating and handing down Edicts, why doesn't he enforce them ? Why do we have to do all the work?"
He looked at her frankly, spreading his arms in justifiable exasperation with whoever this Shailos was. She nodded and started talking with her hands. "Seriously! He's just gotten way too big for his robes this past millenium or so! Can you believe what he's got them calling him these days? 'The True God!' Honestly, could you get more arrogant?!"
Loki nodded seriously. "Preach it, sister. He always has been a bit of a cheese-brain. This is exactly the kind of thing I'd expect from him, this whole 'True this' and 'True that' and 'Ilara and Loki aren't real' and blah blah blah. Arrogant little punk. I remember him back when he was just joining the pantheon." He grimaced. "Things have changed a bit since then, haven't they?" He shook his head regretfully and she nodded rueful agreement.
"You know, screw Shailos," Loki snarled. "Screw him and his precious Edicts. I'm not doing his grunt work any more! I'm not going to waste my time burning books, erasing memories, punishing random mortals, and on and on and on. What does he think we are, his lap dogs? Forget this, I'm going off to Deklos for a drink." He turned and started to walk away, then looked back over his shoulder. "Hey, you want to join me? There's this little hole-in-the-wall down on the docks; pretty skeezy neighborhood, but I swear, the owner is the best brewer on this planet." He grinned. "And who knows? We might find some mortals looking for trouble. That's always fun. What do you say, O Goddess of Travel—want to take a quick trip with me? I'm dying to hear what you're doing these days; rumor has it that you've come up with some great refinements for spreading the faith."
He threw a companionable arm over her shoulders, subtly turning her away from me. The two of them walked off, chatting amiably as they faded slowly away. Just before they vanished completely, Loki threw a glance back at me and winked.
The time freeze was still in place, but it would only last a few more seconds. I pulled two rubies out of the first ring, all three out of the second, and started Wishing as fast as I could.
"I Wish I were smarter."
"I Wish I were smarter."
"I Wish I were smarter."
"I Wish I were smarter."
"I Wish I were smarter."
The wave hit, hard. And suddenly, things that I had been missing clicked together into a terrifying whole.
Note for D&D rules pedants, everyone else may skip this: I took a small liberty with Jake's Wishing for more Wishes by not dealing with the XP issue. There's a trivial fix (Wish for Rings that have extra XP in them) and it wasn't worth the extra complication to deal with it in the text. (Also, I didn't realize that this was an issue until a reviewer pointed it out. But it still wasn't worth dealing with in the text.)
Full answer with all the fussbudgety details:
Using Wish to create a magic item requires that you burn XP to pay for the item you are creating. Since Jake has no XP of his own, the XP would need to have come from the Ring. Rings of Three Wishes do not, by default, come with extra XP to pay for item creation. Ok, but he could wish for a Ring that had extra XP, right? Yes, but then when he used that Ring to create another Ring, he would need to burn more XP from the first one to pay for the XP in the second one, plus the basic cost of the new Ring itself. The second generation of Rings would therefore have fewer XP imbued into it than the first, the third would have fewer than the second, and so on. You couldn't actually create infinite Rings of Three Wishes this way.
If you are sufficiently pedantic to be bothered by this, just assume that Jake actually made the following Wishes: For the first Ring he said "I Wish for a Ring of Three Wishes that contains Graham's Number of extra XP." For all following Rings he said: "I wish for a Ring of Three Wishes containing the maximum amount of extra XP that I can get for a total cost of one third of the XP originally imbued in my current Ring."
Graham's Number is ridiculously, insanely, mind-bogglingly huge (check Wikipedia), and creating a Ring of Three Wishes only requires 36,836 XP (base cost) plus the extra XP you want to put in it. If you started with Graham's number of XP and you wished for another Ring every second, you would die of old age long before you had made an appreciable dent in the XP you started with...even if you were a dragon or some other stupidly-long-lived race. Then your children and grandchildren could do the same thing until they either died of old age or got tired of making these Wishes and went out for pizza. This is close enough to "infinite" for any practical purposes.
Note for math pedants: Yes, I know that it should be "Graham's number", not "Graham's Number". It was easier to read this way.