There but for the grace

"So, was it easier?" Nyx wanted to know.

"What exactly?" House asked turning his gaze from the starts to Nyx as he lay on the grass of Death's garden – again.

"Was it easier to give money to a virtual stranger than to apologize to Cuddy?" Nyx clarified.

"I wasn't comparing them," House shrugged. "Besides the money wasn't an apology or anything like that."

"What was it then?" Nyx queried.

"It could have been me," House said. "I have come close to losing my licence many times. Sometimes I have been saved by chance; sometimes saving the patient has been enough to make the case go away and more than once I have been saved by Cuddy."

"More than once?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Well, once seriously," House clarified. "But more than once by her diplomacy."

"And yet you can't apologize to her for a wrong you did," Nyx wondered.

"Gratitude and regrets have never sat well with us in our relationship," House admitted. "Not over important things."

"But surely you can apologize for messing a photograph," Nyx assumed. "I mean, it wasn't a major crime or anything, even if the photograph was important to her."

"She doesn't have copies of it nor does she have the negative," House reminded Nyx.

"But she has all the pieces," Nyx responded. "She can have it repaired. There are professionals who repair damaged photographs – and get as many copies of them as she could possibly want, without needing the negatives. I understand that she was upset and angry with you, but it wasn't that big a deal that you need to go on a major guilt trip over it. Just apologize and be done with it."

"I can't," House sighed.

"Why not?" Nyx demanded. "Just walk in say you're sorry and walk out. Simple."

"No it isn't," House denied. "Cause I can't just walk in anymore."

"Oh," was all Nyx could think. "Well, so you weren't making amends with that money you gave to Weberley?"

"No," House shook his head. "I was sort of acknowledging that the story he told me was a possible one. I could actually have screwed him up that bad with one simple stupid action. But it was more a case of… well he needed it and I had it. It wasn't important to me and it bought him some time to try and get his life in order."

"But you didn't do it for remorse?" Nyx asked.

"Well, he did play me well," House nodded. "I felt bad when I felt responsible. But when I finally took the check to him, it wasn't remorse. And it wasn't seeing Cuddy with Lucas. I just … I have been helped and thought that he is as deserving as I have been. And it was just a one-time thing, it's not like he is going to hang onto me for the rest of my life."

"How do you know he won't be back for more?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Because he came clean," House stated. "And because I won't help him again."

"You think he knows it?" Nyx pondered.

"Yes," House decided. "Nobody changes that much and he knew me when."

"Ok," Nyx accepted. "But talking about that 'when', you do realize that you were right about your teacher."

"He gave me an A," House pointed out sceptically. "How does that prove me right?"

"He gave Weberly an A plus," Nyx reminded him. "The reason you chose Weberly as your

'victim' was because he was an expert asskisser. He wasn't stupid, by no means, otherwise the teacher would have noticed the switch, but he treated the teacher as an impeccable authority and just repeated the lessons back. You did your own thinking and didn't think much of the teacher – and he felt it. When you showed in 'your' last paper that you had seen the light and accepted the teacher's authority, he gave you an A. But when Weberly, who had already shown due reverence, wrote a paper showing some original thinking, he got an A plus – because with him the teacher could claim credit for excellent teaching."

"Hmm," House mused on the explanation. "You could be right. But what does that matter now?"

"Nothing, I suppose," Nyx accepted. "But you usually like to be right."

"True," House didn't sound too sure. "Only, for some reason, I've started to suspect I might want to be happy a bit more often."

"When it isn't about your patients, who do need you to be right," Nyx mused. "I see no reason why you couldn't try and be happy rather than right."

"Only, I'm not so sure I know how," House smiled ruefully.

"How to be happy?" Nyx wanted clarification.

"That too," House admitted. "But what I meant was that I don't know how… well, how not to be right. I don't know if I can let go before I know the 'right', or before… I just don't know."

"You have changes a lot since Mayfield," Nyx said.

"Sure," House shrugged. "After all it was a life altering experience. But we all know that a life-altering experience changes everything for just about two months."

"It's been longer than that," Nyx stated.

"And I have already slipped back into some old habits," House pointed out. "And were I not living with Wilson, I would have slipped more."

"But you are still solving puzzles," Nyx asserted.

"But not quite with my earlier edge," House almost mourned. "I get the puzzle, and I want to solve it, but it doesn't quite grip me the way it used to."

"What are you saying?" Nyx was worried.

"Don't sound so worried," House smiled. "The puzzles are still my biggest addiction, but I used to get more of a buzz out of them. And I miss it. Not enough to want to change my current medication, because it does work well when I don't have a puzzle to solve, but I do wish… I don't know, maybe I do wish for happiness."

"Everyone wants to be happy," Nyx nodded. "And everyone deserves some happiness."

"I used to think that happiness was overrated," House shrugged. "I was more interested in keeping the level of misery tolerable."

"Maybe you still are," Nyx pointed out. "It's just that you tolerance has changed."

"Maybe," House agreed. "I suppose I will find out as time goes by."