KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077th
May 1, 1951
Salutations and early morning greetings, everyone! This is Klinger, back from Seoul and cleared of all charges from General Clayton! Oh, how grateful I am this has happened, even if things are picking up here. I am happy to hear that the Korean family left and that Radar isn't the father of that baby, even if we all thought that it was true. Well, it's sad to hear of the mother and her son, but I know now that she is in good hands and the family went down south to a better place, where there is hardly a shell exploding near them.
Now, back to us and the visit of this esteemed general that we have much respect for, General Steele and his words about waste and getting out of here. Otherwise, a lot that happened between me being gone and the war happening around us, so sit back and relax with that cup of lovely Army coffee and stale burnt toast. Now that Klinger is back in town and still scheming up plans for that Section Eight (sort of, but more on that later), it's going to be a long ride…and one that I am ready to keep on. Read on, my friends, and laugh to yourselves as this genius gets back into heading this newspaper and sends his salutations to the one and only General Steele!
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ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE
As all of you have heard, we have both the most wonderful honor and the great privilege of having General Steele amongst us in this camp. As he has already ordered (perhaps), the camp is to clean up once more before we depart for another location. No excuses. We're a military base that has been in slack form since the beginning and this cannot be tolerated, as General Steele has reminded me. Again, I am asking all enlisted personnel to see Major Burns for any…ummm, cleaning details. From there, it will be decided on the fate on the location of the camp and from there, a brief meeting on where and why.
Next, the fifth installment of RESPECT AND THE ARMY is currently cancelled for this afternoon due to Genera Steele's visit and other important matters that will be discussed at a later point. However, the general has been kind enough to offer to do the lecture himself. THAT will be hosted in the Mess Tent tonight at 1700 hours, before dinner is served and after his own speech. In the meantime, the general has also asked that everyone bring paper and pencils and take some notes. He will be taking everyone's attendance and marking it off as complete and that you were paying attention. Anything written down to his satisfaction is a bonus.
Lastly, I do want to remind everyone that Lieutenant Walker has been ordered to leave and head back to Seoul, so this is no need to pester him at this time. He will return when we have been relocated and by then, someone will have more information about the Officers' Latrine Bandit (I would hope). Already, the thief has taken the general's supply from his VIP quarters and has made it conveniently disappear with the rest of the new shipment. Because of this, the investigation of the incident will be headed by General Steele himself, continuing the work that Lieutenant Walker began some months ago.
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Extra! Extra! Read all about it! THE WARS BETWEEN THE TWO KOREAS HAS HIT CLOSER TO COME AND WE'D BE SEEING MORE OF THE ACTION SOON ENOUGH (AS IF WE DON'T ALREADY)! MORE WILL BE SPELLED OUT IN THIS LATEST EDITION OF M*A*S*H NOTES!
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Tent Schedules for Cold Weather
By: Corporal Radar O'Reilly
Even though it's really warm these days and we all like to be in our own tents, General Steele has ordered this article be posted. He feels that we are wasting resources…or something like that…and that we need to stick together at night. Below are the schedules.
Women:
Tonight: Major Houlihan's Tent and Nurses' Tent #1
Tomorrow: Nurses' Tents # 2 and 3
Thursday: Klinger's and Major Houlihan's Tent
Friday: Nurses' Tents # 1 and 2
Saturday: Nurses' Tent # 3 and Klinger's Tent
Monday: Major Houlihan's Tent and Nurses' Tent #1
Men:
Tonight: The Swamp and Enlisted Personnel Test #1
Tomorrow: Father Mulcahy's Tent and Enlisted Personnel Tent #2
Thursday: Colonel Blake's Tent and Enlisted Personnel Tent #3
Friday: Motor Pool and the Swamp
Saturday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #1 and Father Mulcahy's Tent
Sunday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #2 and Colonel Blake's Tent
Monday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #3 and the Motor Pool
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Daily Dating Tips from Those Who Know Best
This Week's Correspondent: Major Margaret Houlihan
Due to the lack of professionalism that I find in these "tips" from my nurses, let alone for our visiting officers, I am hereby suspending this section of our paper. The nurses need to learn professionalism and focus on our patients instead of these newspaper articles and over a cup of coffee too! I will NOT allow the nurse to take part in such foolishness, as General Steele has pointed out. This is an Army M*A*S*H Unit, not an advice column from those who think they know better than the officers, and we should be able to act as such! We are here for one job, and one job alone: to get our work done for the Army and to save lives.
So, this is my tip of the week. If I find any nurse disobey my orders and start writing this column again, you WILL answer to me and no exceptions will be made. I also should mention that no manipulation by a certain two captains will change my mind…
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SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT
Approval from General Steele was made for this section of the war news.
~This news has not reached us here for some weeks now, but it has been said that General Dwight Eisenhower has been relieved of his command as general by President Harry Truman. Currently, it is not known why, but there are rumors that General Eisenhower has been hinting that he wants to run for president!
~Since the beginning of last month (as we've come to see), the 1st Marine Division went up north to the Hwachon River, which caused the Chinese to begin their Spring Offensive. Four days ago, on April 27, the situation was said to be stabilized as the Marines bravely stopped the Chinese from breaking through the IX Corps.
~On April 29, the largest single battle of this police action (so far) ended when the five US Army divisions and the 1st Marine Division beat back the Chinese once more. It has also been noted that they also halted yet another attempt on retaking Seoul, which the enemy soldiers were so close in getting!
~Today, the Navy Task Force 77 aircraft carrier attacked and breached the Hwachon Dam with their torpedoes. It has been reported that the resulting flooding that occurred in the Han and Pukhan river valleys worked to the benefit of the US and UN troops fighting in the area, since it stopped the enemy from approaching that sector.
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SOME NEWS FROM THE HOME (AND WORLD) FRONT
Again, the following has been approved for publication from General Steele…as if we wouldn't make you all feel better with this anyway!
~On April 25: Jerzy Fitelberg, a composer, died at age forty-seven.
~On April 26: Queen Juliana of the Netherlands opened the Brielsche Museum. Also on this day, Arnold Sommerfeld (a physicist) and John Alden Carpenter (US composer, Sea Drift) have died, aged eighty-three and seventy-five respectively.
~On April 27: Mohammed Mossadeq was chosen as the premier of Persia. Also on this day, the cricketer Philip Albert Myburgh died.
~On April 29: Jules Verstraete (actor, Boefje) and Ludwig J.J. Wittgenstein (Austrian/English philosopher) died, aged sixty-seven and sixty-two respectively.
~On May 1: The Dutch Reformed Church introduced their new church choir this morning. Also today, it is said that many people are going to be marching in West Germany for peace and freedom and that Minnie Minoso will become the first black man to play for the White Sox!
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The Klinger Chronicles Hit a Dead End
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger
To all of my fans out there at the 4077th, I am bid to tell you of a sad tale, consisting of woe and misery…and many dresses being torn apart and dreams thrown to a blazing garbage can. That's right. The Klinger Chronicles (and the quest for the Section Eight) have hit a literal dead end because of the aspirations of the person who shall be unnamed. While General Steele remains in town, Klinger is no longer a walking lunatic, but either Mrs. Marjorie Steele, the great distraction from inspecting the troops, or just plain Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger, the orderly who shall have an allergic reaction soon from this Army uniform.
The nerve! The humiliation! The shame! This Lebanese orderly shall not be intimidated by such mistakes coming from someone's mouth though, even from very famous General Steele!
In the meantime I must continue on with this depressing saga. Now, General Steele was quick to realize it and order me to be Regular Army since being in women's clothing was against the laws of God and sometimes man. Alas, terror struck through the eyes of this reporter. The orders came through swiftly as the wings of a bird. Within seconds, MPs were at the door and carting away a collection that cost over one hundred and seventy-six dollars and two cents. And that was from fabric alone! Even so, the shoes, makeup and dolls were priceless.
The printing press and all supplies were not seized, as well you all can read. While it has been said that it was wasteful to be using unauthorized paper, General Steele has been kind enough to keep the newspaper intact and its dignity still there. That we all can be grateful for!
All and all, everyone, it was a blockade though and one that was a show of a cruel hand. My act was a wonderful way to get away from the drab reality of the job we all so hate. The dresses were a way to show the world that I would do anything to get away from Korea and to get home to Toledo. However, will it continue that this reporter remain ashamed in his cotton greenery? Will he be bucking for another Section Eight in these clothes as the tragedy continues? Stay tuned as always, folks! Hopefully, another chapter in the Klinger Chronicles will be here shortly and there shall be a dead end no longer!
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Weekly Sermon
By: Father John Frances Mulcahy
Good morning and salutations, my brothers and sisters in Christ! I must apologize to you all for my very brief words last week. I had to go to Sister Theresa's orphanage to help the children put together their little "field day" event to raise money. To see the joy on those children's faces as they play so innocently brings a tear to my eye, but it also gives me a lot of gladness in my heart. I mentioned to Sister Theresa that I will try to get some extra hands next time around for us to do the same event again – maybe even take part in the activities! It would put our minds off everything around us for a little while. If you would like to help out (as I hope and expect you all will), please see me as soon as you can. We hope to make another event for the children in the next couple months.
This bit of wisdom will also be brief this week. I was told that we have a visiting general in our camp and we must all prepare and make his stay comfortable, as we all strive for all of our visitors. Anyway, I am reminded of the story of a widow and the treasures from the Gospel of Luke. In this story, Jesus was observing all people nearby himself and his disciples, primary wealthy and very well-off, giving their gifts to the coffers for those who need a hand. This is a very grateful and noble thing to do, especially for the rich, who have so much when others have none. While Jesus observed these offerings, he also observed a poor widow put in two coins of her own money in to the offering.
To the people, Jesus said, "Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."
What powerful words from our Savior! I felt this message come to me when I was helping the children. If we all gave what we have to not only the children, but to others who need it back home, imagine the world we would be able to live in! It would be the peace that we all are seeking. We would feel joy and so would those we are helping.
I leave you these words, my children. They are more crucial now than ever and I hope you take them to heart as we are reminded of the situation God has asked us to come to terms with…and to rise above in the best way possible.
God bless you all!
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From the Mess Tent
By: Private Igor Stravinsky
By the order of General Steele, this week's menu will consist of a good old fashioned Army rationed meal provided by General Steele's office themselves, most of it from the last war or three. I am unsure as to what exactly that will be, but we're sure to find out once the green slop gets mixed together and put into separate bowls (per Major Burns' orders). So, Captain Pierce, I ask that you bug General Steele for your never-ending need to complain about the food. I've got nothing else other than this article.
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Trapp's Movie Review
By: Trapper John McIntyre
Due to the unexpected orders from General "Cuckoo" Steele and his Regular Army no-how, the movie will be cancelled until further notice. I know how you all are very upset about that, even if it was a rerun and we had seen it all of last week too. However, I will post my review about the general's last speech next week if you all would like to stick around for it.
See? I would never disappoint my adoring fans. I know that I am the reason why you all even bother to read the M*A*S*H Notes. Forget about Klinger and his escape schemes. I am the best that there is! So, until next time, fellow readers, we shall see if a movie will be produced and a review to be written. If not, there's always a critical essay on people who think they know better and don't.
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Literary Corner
By: Nurse Louise Anderson
Our next meeting (approved by General Steele thankfully), which will be hosted next week at 1800 hours, will be about the book we chose some time ago, The Odyssey by Homer. By then, I would hope you all would have your minds ready and the discussion rich with flavor about this wonderful book! I am very excited that we are still onboard and ready to go on this adventure with Homer.
In the meantime, be ready with your answers as we cruise through the first book in our reading. I know it feels like school all over again (and trust me, sometimes I feel it's similar), but with so much to reach into with this book, there is a lot to learn about the lives of the characters of Odysseus, Agamemnon and the gods and goddesses they are waging their lives and actions for and against. Think about these as you read as well:
1.) Compared to his upcoming adventures, where is Odysseus when the poem starts? What god(s) or goddess(es) decide to be his nemesis and why? Who is he indebted to and why?
2.) Where are the connections between Odysseus and Agamemnon and why are they important? How do the two households meet and how do these encounters shape their relationship?
3.) What role do the gods and goddesses play in the poem so far? Why do they feel the need to interfere with the mortals? Would you want to pay homage to one who toys with people's feelings and connections to others or would you pay homage to them still?
4.) By the end of book one, would you feel that anyone – mortal or immortal – is a hero? Why or why not? Can you explain any flaws a hero might have, if any?
Until we meet again…happy reading! Hope to see you all next week!
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ONGOING POLL FOR ANOTHER WEEK! Is Captain McIntyre STILL right?
By: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
Fazed by the updated poll results from the last edition, this reporter (itching underneath his Army clothes) is daring himself to give the updated results on the poll we have been consulting since the announcement of a ceasefire some weeks ago. There has been little change in the results that I left Radar last time, but it remains to be seen if Captain McIntyre has been insight into things than we really realize. The polls speaks for itself!
Yes – 78.2%
No – 21.8%
Included in the poll is General Steele and his staff since they were on hand when the poll was conducted. Since they do not know much about what had conspired and why, they are amongst the percentage of people who do not believe in our good surgeon. Why, do you ask? They cannot say!
More will follow next week, when we have more information and are able to use it!
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM GENERAL BARTFORD HAMILTON STEELE!
I am never a fan of these so-called newspapers that seem to be taking over our M*A*S*H units and other divisions of the kind. However, I do find it necessary right now to make a very important announcement. It is mandatory for all M*A*S*H personnel and civilians alike (this referring to you, civilian reporter B.F. Pierce) to come into the Mess Tent for a speech on what it means to be a MOBILE Army Surgical Hospital. Since there has been so much protesting against becoming a movable site, I want all of you to be there after I talk about respect.
I expect to see you all there, pencil and paper in hand. That's an order!
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HAWKEYE
There are still leftovers from the Mess Tent pickings from last week. Since yours truly (and many others) lost to my bunkmate, Trapper John McIntyre, I still have many a few more trays to go through before we (the so-called losers) are finished and the winners are satisfied that we have completed our end of the bargain. My nose can hardly stand it much longer, hence the offering for more at our new nightly "Happy Hour". Nurse Able has already declined and Trusty Trapper has declared it unable to even be buried.
So, come one, come all! The party is in the same spot, same time as always. I even heard that some of that gourmet mystery meat is delightful (without taste buds) too!
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJOR BURNS
I must say as well, it is an honor and a privilege to have General Steele here amongst us. I must also include that this camp has been in great shape ever since his arrival a few days before. However, I do have to announce (per the general's orders) that our new location, two miles northwest of our current base, has been selected by General Steele himself. He, as well as myself and Colonel Blake, have surveyed the area and have deemed it…well, somewhat worthy of a move.
If anyone has any further inquiries, please see me in my quarters. I will be there, packing some extra armor and equipment to take with us to the new site.
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MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP
To my so-called Nurse on Cloud Nine:
Get lost. Beat it. This isn't going anywhere and I do not want you around. If I see you hanging around my cot again, I'll find Major Houlihan's Army boots and stick one in you.
Trapper
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Teddy Bear,
Still no response from you in the week I gave you to bring me the item I most wanted. I guess you don't have that in hand. If that's so, cancel the date.
Nurse Murphy
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Darling Ginger Snaps,
Only one more week and I can see you again. I am counting the hours when we can be together in Tokyo. Your reassignment is like a dream come true! It must mean that your theory on being together is true.
Until then –
Spearchucker
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Nurse Wistful,
Married or not, I can still take you to the movies, no matter what time or day. Laverne isn't going to know a thing, if you get my drift.
Klinger
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Hawkeye,
Since that nurse isn't going to be dating you, can I have a shot? I'll even take some of that mystery meat you've been forced to eat so we can be together and talk during your Happy Hour. I'll feed it to you and even hold the bowl so you can throw it back up.
A Fascinated Angel
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To my wonderful fisherman in disguise –
The girls love the plaque you made for me of my first fish a while ago. However, it seems to have disappeared sometime last night and none of the others saw it or know what happened to it. Is it possible you can make me another one? You know you'd enjoy commissioning it…
A Delicious Dish
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Spearchucker,
You would not believe it, but I am doing the same! I cannot wait until I see you under the cherry blossoms in Tokyo. Until we meet at the park –
Ginger Snaps
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM AUNT SADIE
My darling children, this week, there shall be no section dedicated to you asking for your poor aunt advice. General Steele, seeing the notes you all wrote to each other, decided that it was enough for this newspaper and that it would be too much for this sad person of yours to write more so-called despicable things to make you feel better. He feels that it is inappropriate and part of the reason for his lecture this afternoon. Not to mention, he also will be doing the speech on respect and being in the Army.
Hopefully, we all will be back to normal business next week, but we shall see. Until then, my children, be kind to one another and do not fight. Aunt Sadie will be back shortly and with more love for everyone!
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WEATHER
Due to the upcoming move this week, there will be no section dedicated to the weather. General Steele has deemed it unnecessary and wasteful. In addition, he added that it would give the enemy information that they did not need in order to find us easier. In spirit of this unusual request (since we know what happened last time we did not have the weather report), we are hopefully wishing for sunshine and maybe turning up with rain.
Who knows? Watch the skies and we'll see!
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Klinger back and ready for some action if there is any to be had. In this case, it'll be a bag of nuts that we need to crack! Either way, this is the end of our life here in the lovely village of Uijongbu, ROK. As of tomorrow or the day afterward, depending on what General Steele has to say and what his orders are, we'll be hitting the road and all of our fannies will be showing too, according to Major Burns. From there, who knows what will happen.
So, everyone stay tuned! The sage concerning General Steele and our move will continue in the next edition (if there is one) of M*A*S*H Notes! Until then, have a great day and don't do anything I would do!