November, 1929

The loud clacking sound of the ticker jerked me out of my thoughts. I picked up the long tail of tape; it said my stocks had fallen…no, plummeted was more like it. Damn machine must be busted, I thought to myself, shaking my head disapprovingly as I dismissed the matter.

"Wheeler!" I yelled for my assistant. He appeared in the doorway looking wise-eyed and white-faced. "Mr. Wheeler…" I beckoned to him. "Have you seen the latest numbers from the stock exchange? This can't possibly be right!"

"T-those numbers are correct, sir," Wheeler's voice trembled slightly as he broke the news. "The entire market's crashed…"

It's been nearly three weeks since the crash. Hockley Steel closed for good last Friday; I didn't have a choice…the costs of operation were running me into the ground. I've tried to keep up appearances in front of the children, to make excuses for why I'm not still at work when they come home from school, to pretend that nothing's changed so they won't worry, but now the money's dwindling and they're starting to catch on. I know I can't keep up this charade much longer…

I reluctantly turn to face the servants gathered in my study. "While your years of service will not go unappreciated…" My eyes dart…Polly's pursed lips, Crawford's bowed head, Gardner's sad eyes… They know exactly what I have to say next; they've been dreading this day for weeks. "I can no longer keep you in my employment."

I can barely meet their eyes as I hand each of them their last payment of only a few dollar bills. When I look up from my desk, Gardner is still standing there. "Didn't you hear me, Mr. Gardner? I can't afford you anymore…" The words catch in my throat; that's something I thought I'd never have to tell anyone!

"I'm not going anywhere, sir," Gardner replies firmly, giving me a small sad smile as he hands the money back to me. I stare at him speechless.

The front door bangs open as voices rise from the foyer. From my armchair in the parlor I see Johnathan drop his coat and schoolbag on the floor with a loud thump while Rose neatly hangs hers on the rack. She bends to pick up her brother's things as well but stops as he laughs at her. "Don't do that; it's servants' work!"

I see his eyes searching the room, expecting Crawford or Polly to appear and clean up after him just like any other day. He turns away perplexed and finally notices me sitting in the parlor. He swaggers in, Rose at his heels and asks me the question I've been trying to prepare for all day. "Father, where is everybody?"

I sigh; this is going to be harder than I thought. "I dismissed the servants this morning."

Johnathan frowns. "Why would you do a damn fool thing like that?" he demands.

"Watch your language, Master Johnathan," Gardner gently scolds him.

Johnathan's eyes narrow as he gives Gardner an insolent glare. "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my father; you're just the valet!" He turns back to me. "Why?" he says again.

"When the market crashed a few weeks ago…" I swallow hard. "…I had to shut down my business…" My gaze drops but I can still feel Johnathan's eyes on me, staring me down. "I didn't have the money to keep them…"

I force myself to meet those angry dark eyes. "If you let them all go, why is he still here?" Johnathan jerks his head in Gardner's direction.

Gardner and I exchange a look. "Mr. Gardner agreed to stay on for a reduced salary." Well, that's one way of looking at it; it's not exactly a lie.

"So let me get this straight," Johnathan says incredulously. "We're gutter rats now?"

"Don't use that term, Johnathan; it's not polite." My head bows into a damning nod as I recall using those exact words to describe Dawson, Emily, Annelise, and so many others; those were words I'd never thought would apply to me. "But yes, we are."

"Oh, poor Father! Everything'll be all right…" I stiffen in my chair as rose suddenly throws her arms around me, reminding me of Annelise more than ever…that white-blonde head, those big blue eyes…I can't do this.

"Get off me, you annoying little brat!" I snap at her, pulling away before I can stop myself. I see tears welling in her eyes, and I have to fight the urge to hug her back as I turn away.

"Yeah, you annoying little brat!" Johnathan parrots, whacking Rose upside the head. I shoot him a reprimanding look, but he doesn't notice…or more accurately, doesn't care. Rose bursts into sobs, and he laughs as she runs out of the room. A sudden pang of remorse grips my heart as I watch her go. Part of me wants to go after her, to dry her tears, to hold her and tell her it's okay, but I don't dare. I can barely look at her, let alone comfort her; if I tried, I'm afraid my heart would break.

A loud yap jerks me from my thoughts as Dorothy appears in the doorway; the old dog's once reddish-brown fur has turned gray and her bug eyes gone milky, but she's lost none of the spring in her step. "Hey, Dorothy," Johnathan greets her, bending to scratch her ear. "Come on, girl. This is stupid; let's get out of here."

Gardner gives me a reproachful glare as Johnathan disappears down a hallway with Dorothy, the same one I've gotten every day for nearly twelve years, when we both know I should punish Johnathan. But I don't. I can't make my only son angry…he might abandon me just like his mother and sister…

As the days pass, Rose adjusts fairly well to being penniless, but Johnathan asks for things he knows he can't have and complains constantly. I retreat to my study, but I can still hear Johnathan's incessant whining echoing in my mind as I reach for my brandy glass.

How did this happen? I thought I'd finally found something safe, something constant, something that wouldn't turn on me, but now the money's abandoned me just like everything else I ever loved. I unlock the safe behind me. My father's old gun lies glinting temptingly but my eyes fall to a scrap of paper nearby, neatly folded and yellowing with age. Strange…why have I never noticed that there before? I unfold it and read:

My beloved Caledon,

By the time this letter finds you I will already be gone. I only hope you know that these past three years with you have been the best of my life.

You once begged me not to close my heart to you. Now as the days run into each other, I see you pushing me farther away, and I must ask you not to do the same. If you can no longer love me, at least don't hide your heart from your children. They need you now more than ever.

I promised I'd never leave you, and I don't intend to. Please don't think of this as a goodbye. Not even death will take me from you; I'll always be there watching over you, all of you, waiting for the day when you'll come back to me.

Your loving wife always,

Annelise

The ink suddenly blur as the tears I've held in for almost twelve years finally start to fall, splashing onto the page one after another. The words are undoubtedly Annelise's but the handwriting isn't; it's Gardner's. She must've been too weak to write it herself…she thought I wasn't going to be there in time to say goodbye to her; she died believing I had fallen out of love with her!

The note crumples in my fist as I sob harder than I did when I lost Rose, than when my father nearly killed Emily, than when I had to send her back to Ireland, harder even than when the doctor told me Annelise was dying. I'm wracked with guilt as I realize for the first time that I've neglected my daughter and turned my son into the same bully I used to be. I hope for her own sake that Annelise was wrong about watching over us; she'd be so angry if she knew…I became everything she never wanted! I start to pick up the gun again but stop myself just in time. I can't…not yet anyway; Annelise would be even angrier if I left our children all alone…but what can I do? Aunt Rebecca died years ago, as did Johann and Mathilda. Rolfe married and moved back to Germany and even so, I doubt he'd want anything to do with my children. There's only one option…

I force my burning eyes open at the sound of the knock on the door. Gardner bursts in, surveying me up and down; he starts to say something but thinks better of it. "Gardner…" my voice is still hoarse from crying. 'Find her…find my Emily…"

The phone on my desk rings a few days later; I pick it up eagerly, half-expecting it to be Emily or at least someone with news of her. "Mr. Hockley?" The voice on the other end of the line sounds unfamiliar. "This is Headmaster Maxwell from the Faraday School."

"Mr. Maxwell?" I can't imagine why he's calling me; I hope the children haven't done anything wrong.

"I'm calling about your children's tuition," Maxwell says without a hint of emotion. "I'm afraid your check has bounced and…" He sighs. "Unless you can find alternative means of payment, I'm afraid we can no longer keep Johnathan and Rose."

"Yes, Mr. Maxwell; I understand." I have to fight to keep my voice even as I reply, slamming down the receiver. I have no other choice…I'll have to pull the children out of school. My God! How am I going to tell them? Rose will accept anything I say without question but Johnathan will argue and scoff and sulk.

I try to brace myself for the complaints to come when the sound of a door slamming downstairs jerks me violently out of my thoughts. Gardner's voice rises, yelling at someone…that's not like him. What the hell is going on down there?

I peer into the parlor to find Johnathan sitting on the window seat, his clothes torn, his dark hair mussed, his lip cut, one eye bruised. "…you think it's your God-given right to beat someone to a bloody pulp every time they don't do what you want?" Gardner scolds, bandaging Johnathan's bloodied right hand.

"But he said-" Johnathan begins but Gardner cuts him off.

"I don't give a damn what he said, Master Johnathan! Sticks and stones-"

My hands clench…I have to put a stop to this before Gardner can tell my son a bigger lie than I ever did. "Gardner!" He turns at the sound of my voice. "Don't you have something to attend to?" He stares at me in disbelief…I'm sure he thinks I'm going to let this slide. "Now, Mr. Gardner!" I take him aside as he passes. "You will never speak to my son that way again. Is that understood?" I add quickly as he starts to protest, "It doesn't matter what he's done."

I bend so that my eyes meet my son's. "What happened?"

"I heard some of the guys at school saying that you were a coward to shut down all your factories," he replies, turning away to avoid my eyes. "One of them called you a 'gutter rat bastard'…"

Guilt wrings my heart as I realize he was only fighting to stand up for me…I'll bet Gardner never gave him a chance to explain that! I sigh as I sit on the window seat beside Johnathan. What would Annelise do if she were here?

"I am so proud that you would defend my honor…" I pull a handkerchief from my coat pocket to wipe the blood from his lip. "But as much as I hate to say it, Mr. Gardner's right. There are other ways to go about it."

"How would you know?" Johnathan pouts.

I see tears in those dark eyes as they meet mine, and I realize that same sweet baby boy is still in there somewhere, hiding behind a façade of arrogance all this time. My heart breaks for him as I put a comforting arm around him. "I once lashed out in anger at someone, and it was the biggest mistake I made in my life."

"What are you going to do to me?" he sniffles. I was wondering the exact same thing. I know I should probably whip him or send him to his room for the rest of the day or at least yell at him, but I doubt he needs me adding insult to injury like that, especially after being soundly scolded my Gardner.

"Nothing." Johnathan stares at me, and I force a smile. "I think you've already been punished enough."

I walk into the dining room as the children are sitting down to dinner. Johnathan is too busy greedily shoveling food into his mouth to notice me standing there, but Rose looks up immediately. "Come, eat with us, Father."

"That's all right," I try to reassure her but I think she has a pretty good idea what's really going on. "I'm busy; I'll eat later." That's a lie, of course…there's not enough to go around and when that happens, I do without.

Rose suddenly pushes her plate away. "You can have mine," she offers, "I'm full." I start to refuse but she insists. "Really Father, I'm not hungry anymore." She's a terrible liar.

I turn away but I can still feel her pleading eyes on me. "Okay…" I finally give in, taking her vacant seat, and I stare after her as she disappears through the door, her white-blonde curls whipping behind her as she goes.

She comes back a few minutes later, holding something behind her back. "This is for you, Father." She hands me her piggy bank, the one still containing the money I gave her for her last birthday, and I suddenly realize she's trying to buy my happiness. I want to push her away as she reminds me more than ever of her mother, just as I've done all her life, but Annelise's words echo in my mind: Don't hide your heart from your children…

I force myself to meet those bright blue eyes, and for the first time, I'm not reminded of all I lost. "No, Rose." Her lip trembles as I give her bank back to her. "That's yours…I can't take it."

"I can," Johnathan's voice rises, startling me. "I'll take it if you don't want it, Rose."

"You will do no such thing, Johnathan Edward Spicer Hockley." He flinches at the unintended harshness of my tone. He stares at me incredulously-so does Gardner-but I pretend not to notice.

"Oh, Rose…" My voice trails off, my throat too tight to speak as I pull her close. I feel her tears dampening my shirt as she buries her face in my chest, holding onto me even tighter than I hold her. "Shh…don't cry…" I kiss her hair, but I have to close my eyes against my own tears threatening.

She sniffles, choking back sobs as she tries to obey. She looks back at me with those big wet eyes as we break apart. "I love you, Rose," I whisper, brushing a few stray tears from her cheek. "I love you so much…"

Gardner barges into my study later that night, an unreadable expression on his face. I turn away, avoiding his eyes lest he should demand justification for my unexpected affection for Rose. "So," I force a nonchalant tone. "Have you any news of Emily?"

His eyes are suddenly sad as he shakes his head. "I found out that Lois Maloney died over five years ago," he says, "but there's no record of an Emily Jane O'Donnell anywhere."

We exchange a look and I know we must be thinking the same thing: Emily probably died with her grandmother. I sigh; she's finally really gone. Or maybe… it suddenly dawns on me. "I'll be goddamned!" Gardner stares at me. "She took my name… that's why we can't find her." I turn to meet his eyes. "Gardner, try again; this time search for an Emily Hockley." He nods, stammering incoherently.

I can scarcely believe it myself…Emily took my name. After all this time, she still loves me…