Little notes

I am sorry for all the recent uploads like everyday kinda thing but throughout February, i won't be posting much, so i am posting quite a few now xx

Thanks for your reviews lovely to know what you think xx

LOL ITS ME: ok people call him Bartholomew all the time (usually when they want to get a message across to him and he isn't listening) and there are great little things called flashbacks which tell you all about the past (which if you have read my story – i would know this if you bothered to review) you would know i like flashbacks and do not try to tell me a massive Bart McQueen and Jason Costello (not to mention others) fan what their personalities are like. And i would love to read a story written by you! And if you continue to read you will get to find out what has happened over the past year. Could say at least one positive thing to be nice. Xx

Please review and tell me what you think i do appreciate it. And yer i just hope your enjoying it xx

The part of the very long flashback that is in italics didn't actually happen it is just my imagination of JART running wild. Xx and also if you wanna see an actual version of the (funeral) playlist check out LittleMissHollyoaks on YouTube xx

Chapter dedicated to the reader Lol it's me – if your still reading – is this enough about the past year for you? xx

Chapter twenty six: Flashbacks

Bart's POV

Flashbacks

I walk up to Jason along with Sinead and Tilly, i look at Jason the expression on his face and his body language he is sad, lonely, depressed and has some very important news to tell us. Yet i still ask in a completely innocent and confused way.

"What is it?"

Tilly speaks next "What's happened?" she always assumes the worst, then again the amount of stuff Jase went through it was no wonder she always prepared for the worst, i should have done that too.

"Jase?" Sinead says worried – she pretends like she doesn't care but she really does.

"Come on" he says pointing his head in the direction of the centre of the folly – still giving us no clues as to what sort of news he will break although we can all tell that it is something big, huge even. I follow first, i look confident but i am blagging i am so scared not as scared as i have been in the past – trouble seems to follow Jason around and being his best mate i had learnt to deal with that. Sort of.

"You're going tomorrow. why soon?" i ask Jason has just told us he is leaving – but i don't wanna believe it i refuse to think this way. He couldn't and wouldn't do this to me. Would he?

"Tomorrow, the next day. Next week, what difference does it make. Maybe it's better this way. Short and sweet" he says his voice coming over all teary and sad, yet he doesn't cry. Me – i hold back the tears – cus i is a man and men don't cry. Instead i roll my hands up inside my t-shirt, i can't believe he's leaving.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Sinead reply's. She knows his answer but she still goes ahead and asks anyway.

"This is all I've ever wanted" that's his response. It is a lie. He has never mentioned moving away before and before he came here he wasn't decided on being a boy or a girl. He is still trying to convince himself this is actually what he wants – when it isn't.

"Then that's all that matters. It's just hard to think about you not being around though!" Tilly says tears welling in her eyes – what she is saying is right, but i can't help but think that Jason always only thinks of himself not of anybody else and especially not ME! Even though i only do everything i do for him, mostly to protect him but i love him so much. But it's hard.

"It's gonna be weird" Sinead says believing and accepting what Jase is saying.

"It feels like i have been here a life time, i can't believe it's only a year" Then why i think why leave why now, a lot has happened yes. But your running your just running away, trying to be who you think you are, what happen to the Jasmine inside of you, the feisty blonde girl who never gave up and never said no?

"A lot can happen in a year hey" is my response i can't bear the thought of him not being here, after all we have been through together as a couple (short lived yes but it still counts) and as mates.

"A lot has happened" he thinks the same as me, and that's when i realise. How serious he is, and how much he needs to leave and get away from all the bad and some good memories of the village.

"I know we've had our differences and i am sorry for the things i said and did." Sinead steps forward first and moves in for the dreaded goodbye hug. "I'm sorry too. Friends?" is the reply she receives. They hug.

"Keep in touch. I hope you get everything you wish for." Their hug seems to last a life time. She kisses him on the cheeks and walks away.

"Where ya going" again i ask another pointless question we both know she is giving me and Jase time alone to say goodbye. "This is the last time you two will be together, me and Tilly will be here tomorrow and the next day. You need to say goodbye properly. Don't waste any time" Jason now begins to cry "Thank you" he whispers to Sinead as Tilly goes for here goodbye.

"Come here" she pulls in for a massive hug. I can't look at him, the tears dribbling down his gorgeous face. "I'll keep an eye on Seth for you."

"YER" he softly reply's, arms still tight round Tills back.

She walks to Sinead and they go away together crying.

I have to turn and face him now, i still believe it is one of the hardest things ever to look at his face and pull back the urge to softly wipe away his tears with my sleeve and grab his small, heart shaped face and kiss him for always, never letting go. Even though i am with Sinead – i think she may have understood if that had really happened. And oh god, you will never know how much my heart ached for me to do that, but my brain said no and for that one time only i thought with my brain and not with my heart. So i turn and face him scratching my head, "so you really going then?" even though again i know his answer.

"This is the last time I'm gonna see ya?" my heart is literally about to jump out of my mouth, and can actually feel it crawling up my throat. I feel like i am about to throw up. But i don't. He doesn't reply he just stands there with a blank look over his face. I don't think i have ever loved Jason more than at this moment in time.

"It's harder than i thought" he sighs we've sat down now and are looking deeply into each others eyes.

"What is?" i know the answer to this as well, but i just have to hear him say it. i think to myself maybe just maybe if he says it out loud he won't leave and he will change his mind and stay with me forever. I think if he had done that we would have gotten together. (horrible for Sinead i know, having just got her back and taken her away from her boyfriend but still – no need to dwell on that since it never happened).

Here comes the answer. "Saying goodbye? Figuring out all that has happened?"

"It'll take me years to figure out what's happened" i say truthfully, it has been four years since i first met Jase or back then Jas and i still don't know what went on between us. Not properly anyways.

We stare at each other for what seems like years, but is really only seconds. "Hey, you'll slay those American lads" i say playfully punching his leg – trying to be all normal about this conservation and situation. But then i realise when has my situation with Jase ever been normal?

"Yer" was his answer.

"Yer" i say – almost back to 'normal' now. I move my hands down into my jean pockets. "It's not really goodbye, is it? i mean we can Skype and stuff. And once you've settled in over there, I'll come out and visit ya. And you'll visit back over here" i could have guessed what was coming next, i saw his expression change half way through what i was saying.

He breathes in. "I'm never coming back here" he says so surely.

"What ya talking about. Course you will." I say utterly confused by his statement.

"And you're not visiting me" he says shaking his head. My faces break and i nearly – but not quite – let a tear collapse down my face.

"Why not?" i mumble shaking my head now i am really confused.

"Because, i wanna start again. Somewhere where no one knows who or what i was before" i nod not actually comprehending what he is saying. "So this really is goodbye, i will never forget you Bart McQueen" and with that he stands up and walks away, at the top of the stairs he turns around as a tear cascades down his face he swivels away from me once more. I breakdown and let the tears fall down my face as he walks into the misty distance i mouth I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU... JASMINE COSTELLO.

Present day

At least that time Jas left i had Sinead to comfort me this time nobody i have been utterly alone. Oddly i have grown closer to Callum maybe it was because of how his first love left him (well he was whisked away from her – but still) i remember the words i once to Jason: Love hurts, so much. But life is short and without love it's nothing. I also think i may have said: sometimes love is about holding on and sometimes it's about letting go, but in the words of Rose and Jack from Titanic: never let go. Never ever, ever let go they say if you love something you should set it free and if it/they love you they will return... eventually, so i let Jason go and she returned and now i will never give up hope as long as i shall live. I only wish i had made my time with Jas count more than it did. All the fighting and the arguing if I'd known... well i wouldn't have bothered with it so much.

I fall asleep again – i seem to be doing that a lot at the moment sleeping, i haven't changed my clothes in over a week and i have not had a shower in 2. Even at the beginning of this, i wasn't this bad. I kinda seemed like she was off on holiday or we had, had an argument or we were spending time with family...

11 months previously

JAS HAS BEEN DEAD A MONTH HERE.

Today is the day of Jasmine's 'funeral' we never found the body so we are burying some memories of her. Although we did pay for a plot so we could come and visit. Her headstone reads:

Jasmine Costello

24th of February 1995 – 24th of February 2013

Aged 18

Beloved daughter, sister and girlfriend.

Me and Seth couldn't physically write anything else, it was too hard. In one respect we wanted to put something about Jason on there but we just couldn't. We have decided that she should be 'buried' her next to Heidi and Carl we thought it right.

We arrive at the church where people could put in their most sacred items to do with Jas in there. Seth, Anita, Mitzeee, Riley, Gem and I arrived together hand in hand to an overcrowded service area. That is when we realised how many lives Jas had touched, people we had completely forgotten about were there. Mark – Jason's best mate was there, Jasmine's posh school friends – Olivia and Ellie. So many others as well, then the entire room went quite and we six turned around slowly still holding hands for support. He was standing there clutching a photograph and a tatty little toy... Silas. We stepped forward towards him, he spoke first.

"I am so sorry, if only i had been there i could have stopped her, if only" he broke down in tears and sunk into a seat next to my leg. I knew what he had done but Jas was that one thing that made him... human – she made him have feelings of empathy and compassion, sorrow and pain, guilt and sadness. Without her Silas would have been unstoppable or in the words of Brendan Brady: bulletproof.

"I am sorry for your loss" i said to Silas, it wasn't fair to any of us to deny him access to his granddaughters funeral after all it is what she would have wanted.

"I am shocked you son are speaking to me after what i tried to do to your cousin" Silas mumbles quietly.

"Well i am first and foremost Jasmine's boyfriend and always will be – and this is definitely what she would have wanted. And i am not about to disapprove now" i inform him.

"I do thank you for this Bart – and i never had you down for the sort of lad that would respect a girl. So i am pleased"

"I am not some Psycho, i loved Jas and i still do and i would never do anything knowingly to hurt her or any girl for that matter!" i hiss in his ear and i turn and walk away. I walk towards the front and i slowly stumble up the steps and clear my throat.

"Ah hmm..." i wait for the noise to die down. Silence follows my throat clearing immediately. I begin my speech, tears are already filling up inside my eyes. I hold a piece of paper between my trembling fingers, it was completely blank – i had no idea what to write, to write something make it visible on paper, it meant that she was really gone and i could feel deep inside my heart she wasn't and that she was still out there somewhere. So instead i composed a playlist of her favourite songs.

Thank you for coming today everybody, i know this would mean a lot to Jas seeing how many lives she touched. I don't really know what else to say so i have composed a playlist instead.

After the playlist had stopped and everyone wiped their eyes many people came up to the front to leave all their special belongings of Jas that would be put into her grave plot. I hadn't known what to choose i didn't want to throw away any cherished memories i had of Jasmine or Jason where i could never see them again. I had made my choice the night before my collection consisted of the photograph of me, Jase and Sinead, a pencil Jason had given me in the middle of our GCSE maths exam (It had his name on it) and a postcard from Jas which she sent when she went away to 'America' it had been through Seth to get to me so as i would know year she was or nothing it simply said:

I will always be here Bart. Love you x

xx

I have now also written a postcard to put with it saying:

It is you Jasmine, and always will be x

They can stay together forever under the ground as a symbol of our never ending love for each other.

As we walked slowly to the grave i overheard Seth talking to Silas, i couldn't hear the whole conversation but it was something like: How could you do that and then turn up here? Do you not have any decency or respect? And then a reply along the lines of: i have to say goodbye, you only get one chance in life and i know i screwed that up but Jasmine was always different and i still have my rights you know.

We arrived at the grave side i felt Jem's hand slip inside mine as we threw our items one by one into the hole in the ground. Various items were thrown in including: a necklace, a belt, shoes, flowers, many photograph and a beautiful drawing of Seth and Jasmine together at the pier when they were 7, i frequently saw her copy on the desk in her room. We each chucked a handful of dirt over the items and turned away, i walked to the top of the hill in the graveyard and sat for an hour or so while they filled in the hole.

Present day

There is only one thing i can think of during the last year which i really regret. The day after Jasmine's funeral i was so depressed and distraught that i pick up my phone and dialled the only person i could think of.

The day after Jasmine's funeral

07767484339 was the number i tapped into my mobile it began to ring. It rung for ages and ages and as i was about to hang up she answered...

"Hello"

"Hi it's me" i sigh

"Bart?" she asks confused

"Of course who else calls you and says it's me?"

"Err. Nobody i guess, i just- you sound really depressed"

"Well let me think – why the fuck would i be feeling depressed, my life is just awesome and i am on top of the world at the moment. Oh no wait reverse that of course i am fucking depressed you thick whore my girlfriend died less than a month ago!" i was angry ok, she wasn't a whore, and she knew that, she actually dealt with what i said pretty well.

"Alright, alright calm down, please just calm down. Why did you call me exactly Bart?" now it isn't just her that is confused i am too.

"I don't know. I don't know" i wail into the phone "I needed to speak to someone and you were the only person i could think of, i mean i saw you at the funeral yesterday after everyone had gone. I was still there and i saw you, i am glad you went. After the party you two seemed to be off with one another – more than before i mean. What happened?"

"Well... i dunno if i really wanna tell you this considering what you have just been through and how you must be feeling, especially not over the phone. Why don't you come over later? Say 5?"

"Err" i am hesitant at this i mean it is Sinead after all.

"If you wanna know, come round and i will tell you, this is not something you want to hear over the phone Bart"

"Ok, fine i will be round in an hour" i cave in, it sounds serious what she wants to tell me about her, Jas and the party so i am going to go and find out, then i will leave. Simple.

It wasn't that simple, i was naive to think things with Sinead would be.

I hung up the phone as soon as doing so i regretted the entire phone call, i mean what was i thinking Jas had been dead a month and i was already calling up the ex-girlfriend for comfort using the cliché line of "i didn't know you else to call" even though what i had told her was the truth, i didn't know who else to call. My mates didn't understand, Seth was in his own little world. And i had never been close to Mitzeee or Riley not after i sprayed Mitzeee is fat on the arch and messed with Jason's head saying i wanted to be with him and then changing my mind because he was brave and came to school as Jason – his 'true' self. Riley never properly forgave me. so Sinead was literally the only person, i tried to speak to Carmel – with her having gone through the same situation with Calvin a few years previously, but she refused to acknowledge me.

By the time i had finished thinking about it, i was already knocking on the O'Connor's door, Sinead opened the door and i was shocked she was in her Pyjamas, i had expected her to be in much less, maybe i do underestimate her.

"Hi, come on in, just to inform you we are alone Finn is out with some mates and mum is out shopping – so she will be back shortly."

Ok. I respond slightly baffled at why she is bothering me with the events of her family's day when we are just two friends hanging out. I flop onto the sofa and Sinead sits comfortably in the armchair just to the right of me.

"So what do you wanna talk about?" she asks fiddling with her nails, it is obvious she wants to avoid the fact she invited me round to tell me what went down between her and Jasmine.

You asked me round remember i remind her.

"Well i thought you may wanna talk about something else as well, seeing as you sounded so bad on the phone. I was right to oh my god, you are only wearing one sock and odd shoes, what is going on" she enquires moving from the arm chair to the sofa and sitting down on her legs with a pillow covering her stomach.

Well they were the only clean clothes i could find. And i wanted to make an effort. I say jokingly try bring a sense of humour into the conservation.

"Bart, seriously? I have seen you in way worse states of clothing. Do you remember the time when we ran away together and your yellow jumper had to last you for 3 weeks? You stunk so bad that it was the first thing Jase commented on, when he came to visit us!" she laughs, a proper full good heartily laugh, i haven't seen one of them in a while and they always make to smile.

Yer i do, i also remember you wasting money on a new top! So you didn't stink to bad, look after yourself why don't ya! i say also in full hysterics now. She places her hand on my shoulder.

"Bart, everything happens for a reason and everything always works out for the best. I thought i was gonna die when you and i spilt up (both times) and i know this isn't like that but i do want to understand and help you. You know that right?" she tells me now both her hands are on my shoulders and she is sitting up on her knees bent forward towards me slightly.

Yer i know you wanna help, and i think i could do with some help right now. I smile at her. She smiles back at me a lovely warm smile, and before i know it our lips are pressed up against each other and she is on top of me. i snap to my senses push her off of me and sit up straight my head in my hands, i rub my hands over my face in an attempt to wake myself up. I can't it is no use.

"I'm sorry Bart, i shouldn't have done that. it was wrong of me, but it just felt... so, so..." she says rubbing my shoulders for me.

Right? It just felt so, so right? I finish the sentence off for her. And the next thing i know is we are upstairs in her bedroom pulling each other's clothes off.

I wake up to the beeping sound of my phone, it is a text message i reach down and delve into my jean pocket. I retrieve my phone the message is from Auntie Myra, where am i? Is the question she wants an answer to. The only problem i have no idea, i recognise the place but my mind is a blank. I let the phone fall out of my hand as i throw the sheets back over my head.

Then it happens the door clicks, the coffee spills and the girl yelps in pain. And she speaks in that stupid accent of hers and i suddenly become conscious of where i am and what has happened.

"Shit" is the only thing i say grabbing my clothes and shoving them on, wondering why an earth i only have one sock and odd shoes. I push past Sinead and escape the O'Connor's house with Diane shouting at me. i keep on running until i don't know where i am, then i recognise the place. I have run to the shack, i barge through the door and fall on to the old, grotty sofa and let the tears escape my eyes and run down my face.

Present day

Sinead and i still haven't spoken about our encounter yet. I get up and walk towards the window, i draw back the curtains and look deep into the distance. I am sure i see someone in the far distance. Then i blink and they have gone, disappeared, vanished into thin air. I am almost certain that i saw a flicker of long blonde hair in amongst the grass and the trees, i must be seeing things and i move into the kitchen to get a drink, what i don't see as i turnaround is the figure re appearing. And walking away further from away into the trees.