Love from jealousy – part 26

By Fishiexy

Kyle's thoughts in italics

It was only since Declan had started hanging around with Lori last year that he had gotten to know Amanda in any sense of the word at all. Before that he hadn't had much to do with her having met her initially only as Charlie Tanner's girl-friend. She was pretty, cute and clever but had never featured on his radar as apart from the few basketball parties she had attended she didn't travel in the same circles as him and if he was honest she seemed a little boring and too good to be true; she didn't drink, she didn't swear, she didn't put out and if the stories were to be believed, Charlie had never got to more than first base with her! The only thing he knew about Amanda Bloom back in those days was that she was way too good for Charlie. But then came that day at the Tragers' house when he'd finally got to know a little bit more about the quintessential girl next door…

It was day after the night of the storm and although the wind had let up the rain hadn't. He had spent the morning playing video games with Lori's little brother Josh which annoyed Lori no end but then around lunchtime the power went down so that was the end of that. Then they had all gathered in the living room which was when Declan noticed that Amanda had joined them and that Kyle couldn't keep his eyes off her.

He suddenly felt as though a weight had just been lifted from his shoulders and the tension and resentment that had been building up since breakfast that morning just seemed to evaporate leaving him relaxed and sure about himself again. There was no need for him to feel jealous or angry or bitter towards Kyle over how he looked at Lori because although it was obvious that he was extremely fond of her, from the look of breathless awe on his face, Kyle's affections and desires were directed towards someone else entirely. Now he just felt sorry for the guy, after all he knew what it was like to want something you couldn't have…

They decided to play with the Ouija board which of course Kyle had never heard of. And while he and Lori and Josh had ridiculed the whole idea of spirits giving answers to secrets, Amanda had remained quietly supportive and had reached over to get the game set up because Kyle seemed so desperate to play.

It had started off as a joke with Lori and Josh asking stupid questions but then it suddenly stopped being funny as Kyle in all seriousness, asked when his birthday was. Declan saw Amanda looking at Kyle with such compassion and pity as he closed his eyes and concentrated on the board, desperate for an answer to a question so simple and so basic that everyone else took it for granted. Amanda's hand was over Kyle's, lending him encouragement, compassion and support as he spelt out that meaningless number and then asked Josh what he doing when she saw him writing in his 'Kyle file'.

Later, when the power was back on and he and Josh were battling it out again on the video game, Amanda was standing behind Kyle helping him search the internet for any mention of the bizarre, seemingly random number that he had generated. And while Josh was being an asshole and telling Kyle to search for 'alien' and 'freaky meteorologist' and getting Kyle more and more upset, Amanda was making helpful suggestions and trying to calm him down. But of course Josh being Josh had to go that little bit too far and then Kyle just snapped and totally freaked out and the look on Amanda's face as he started shouting at Josh, was just as shocking as watching the normally placid Kyle completely lose his cool.

Then Lori's mom came in and took one look at Kyle standing there shaking with anger, frustration and grief before they were all politely ordered to leave the room in a tone that broached no argument. Mrs. Trager hadn't looked shocked like Amanda, but she did appear concerned at Kyle's uncharacteristic loss of control and she approached him as one would a lost and frightened child, speaking in calm, low tones and putting her hands on his shoulders, making him concentrate and focus only on her and what she was saying. And the last thing Declan heard before he followed the others upstairs was Kyle's hysterical and desperate voice:

'No! I can't feel like this anymore! I don't want be this freak in Josh's notebook. I need to know who I am…'

Sitting upstairs with the others he listened to Amanda verbalize what they had all been thinking and feeling; how much pain Kyle was in, how sensitive he was, that they didn't realize just how acutely he felt things and how desperate he was to remember the smallest detail about his past yet how it was all still a complete blank to him.

His estimation of Amanda had gone up that day and looking over at her now he knew that his initial assessment of her had in fact been correct; she was way too good for Charlie and their split, though unfortunate and unpleasant for Amanda at the time was actually the best thing that could have happened to her because now she was free to go out with someone who did deserve to be with her, who wouldn't cheat on her and hurt her, who was as good and as kind as she was, who put other peoples' feelings above their own just as she did, someone who loved her with all their heart, someone like Kyle…

Amanda's eyes suddenly widened and he watched as she sat up straighter in her seat before glancing anxiously across at Lori then back to the front of the class. Lori had also stopped what she was doing and had snuck a worried look in Amanda's direction before folding her arms across her chest in a classic passive aggressive Lori pose that Declan knew so well and looking up to the front of the class. He followed her gaze to see Kyle entering the room, his usual expression of interest, curiosity and wide-eyed wonder at everything around him replaced with a frown just like Amanda's. Then he slowed, his movements becoming hesitant, his frown deepening until he suddenly stopped and turned his head to look at Amanda and Lori, apprehension written all over his face.

Declan's heart contracted painfully once again at the sight of Kyle and a myriad of emotions washed over him making him recall in exacting detail and reminding him so poignantly and distinctly of every instance that he and Kyle had ever spent together…

Embarrassment at the way he thought of and treated Kyle when he first met him, amazement at the discovery of his basketball skills, irritation that he wanted to be on the team, gratitude and awe when he had stood up against the coach and refused to play when he could have been a hero, pity when they stayed over in the dorms at U-Dub because Kyle just spent the whole night looking out of the window trying to work out the mystery of his past, excitement as they drove to the woods together, fear as they broke into Tom Foss's apartment and found those surveillance cameras, worry when he collapsed and had a seizure on the carousel, relief when he came round and was ok, annoyance and anxiety when he refused to tell Lori's parents of the danger he was in, pain and loss when his biological parents came to take him away, resentment at the fact that he just accepted it all so calmly and went with them, confusion over the box of souvenirs he left, such joy and happiness when he returned, anger and bitterness when he refused to tell him what had been going on and overwhelming sorrow and despair at the realization that he had pushed away the best friend that he had ever had.

He wondered if this was what it felt like to have Kyle's memory; to be able to recall with pin-point accuracy every event in your past, to be able to feel with complete clarity every sensation, every emotion evoked by those events so you could relive every moment of every fuck up you ever made time and time again. How had he let himself get sucked into being the keeper of Kyle's dangerous and damaging secrets? He didn't know how much longer he could go on feeling like this. He had become an empty shell of his former self. He didn't know what to do.

Amanda was becoming increasingly worried that something was wrong with Kyle. He was just standing at the front of the class staring at Lori with a look of anguish on his face. She wanted to get up and go to him, to ask him what was the matter and whether there was anything she could do help him but Lori was sitting just a couple of desks away and what if something had happened last night and they were involved? Would Kyle welcome her concern? Would Lori welcome her interference? She didn't know what to do.

Something was terribly wrong with Kyle; Lori could see it in his eyes. He was staring at Amanda with a look of anguish on his face just like he did this morning at breakfast after she had told him to stay away from her. She wanted to get up and go and see that he was ok but Amanda was sitting close by and from the way that Kyle had looked at her just a few minutes ago she was sure that something was going on between them. What if he didn't want her touching him on the shoulder or stroking his arm like she did at home to reassure him in front of his… in front of Amanda? She didn't know what to do.

I walked into class with my head pounding. The pain had become so severe that it was starting to affect my vision. It was like I was looking down a telescope; a singular bright point of light in front of me surrounded by long tunnels of black. I didn't know what was happening to me and it was making me more and more frightened. And then I could sense Amanda and Lori but something was wrong. Their heartbeats had both increased as I entered the room and they increased further still as they glanced first at one another then at me. I tried to catch their eye but it was like it was painful for them to look at me.

The thought of two of my closest friends both hating me caused a shooting pain behind my eyes that momentarily blinded me. I tried to make myself relax but my body was telling me it needed more and more oxygen and I could hear myself gasping for breath. I felt as though there was a steel band around my chest and every time I exhaled it tightened a bit further preventing me from taking another breath in. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to explode. I tried to call out to Amanda and Lori, to tell that I was sorry and to ask them for their forgiveness but my tongue felt heavy and numb. I looked over at them willing them to help me but they just stared back, their faces frozen in horror at the lies that I told and the person that I had become.

A sharp gasp made Declan look up to see Kyle's hand pressing into the side of his head, his eyes screwed tightly shut and his face contorted in pain. He looked like he did that day when he was trying to listen through Foss's apartment door. What was going on?

Amanda watched in concern as Kyle brought his hand up to his head and squeezed his eyes shut in what looked like pain. She saw the color drain from his face and felt her stomach contract in fear. What on Earth was the matter with him? He looked so ill.

Lori's eyes widened in recognition of what was happening to Kyle. She'd seen him behave this way several times before at home and it always seemed to occur when he got emotionally stressed over something. Lori's stomach churned at the realization of what would happen next if Kyle didn't get himself back under control. She watched as he pressed his hand into the side of his head. He was in such pain. But what had set him off? Had it been her?

Declan watched as Kyle staggered to one side, his hand still pressed to his head, surprise turning to shock as Kyle suddenly dropped to his knees.

Amanda no longer cared what Lori might think of her because something terrible was happening to Kyle. She had to see that he was alright. She stood up.

Lori didn't give a shit any more about what Amanda might think of her because Kyle was in trouble. She had to make sure that he was ok. She stood up.

The pain in my head was excruciating. I couldn't see or think straight, yet I knew that something awful was going to happen and that I wasn't going to be able to do anything to stop it. I could feel the concern radiating from both Lori and Amanda but there was also something else; resentment towards each other and towards me. I could sense the atoms of the air around me subtly shifting, just as they had that day in the warehouse when Foss had been shouting at me, when I had shattered the glass skylights above us and I knew that if I didn't get my mind back under control then it would happen again here in school and who knew how many people would be hurt. But the pain made it impossible to concentrate. I had to get out of here.

Kyle managed to pull himself to his feet just as the English teacher walked in through the door.

'Mr. Trager, Ms. Trager and Ms. Bloom would you like to join everyone else and take your seats?' The teacher said dryly.

It wasn't phrased as a question, Declan noted. He turned around to see Lori and Amanda still standing behind their desks, their eyes wide with worry and fixed on Kyle as he lurched drunkenly towards the door bumping into Declan's desk as he did so.

'Mr. Trager! By the fact you are stumbling around aimlessly and seem unable to find your place, are you by any chance intoxicated?' The teacher asked, the tone of his accusation mocking and sardonic.

Jesus! Was there a class that all teachers took that made them come across as sarcastic, cynical, arrogant assholes? Declan thought irritably. There was no way that Kyle was drunk although maybe there was something else wrong with him as he certainly wasn't acting like himself.

'Kyle, man! Are you ok?' Declan hissed at him.

'I've got to get out of here.' Kyle whispered frantically. 'Please, Declan, I can't…'

Declan held his breath as he waited for Kyle to finish his sentence. I can't… what? What had he been about to admit? What had he been about to tell him?

'The three of you, sit down now!' The teacher shouted.

Declan let out the breath he had been holding and closed his eyes in disappointment. He had thought just for a second that Kyle was finally going to confide in him, finally going to let him in on the big secret that he had been keeping and finally make these last few months of hell he had been living through somehow worthwhile.

'My head, Declan, please help me, please…'

Kyle's plaintive, pitiful and desperate cries sent chills down Declan's spine.

'Kyle?'

That was Lori's voice and she sounded just as scared as he was. Did she know what was going on?

'Declan, please, you've got to get me out of here, please, please…'

Declan looked at Kyle and saw his face had gone white. God! He was really scared. And why didn't he just leave if it was so important to him unless… Declan now noticed the way Kyle was hanging onto the desk, the way his arms were rigid and shaking with the effort of trying to support his weight, the way his eyes were staring at him, pleading, begging, willing him to help and understand; Kyle was unable to help himself.

'Why have you got to leave? Kyle, what's wrong?'

'Don't let Lori near… I need… I can't…Please, someone might get hurt…' He implored Declan desperately.

I couldn't wait any longer. I could feel the windows beginning to break, sense the molecules of the glass fracturing along paths of least resistance ready to shatter at any moment just like my mind seemed to be doing. I couldn't control my body. My arms and legs were shaking and my head felt like it was about to explode. I had to try and get as far as possible from this room, had to get away from Lori and Amanda so that I could try and calm down, so that this destructive force in me could disperse safely and not hurt the people I loved.

Declan nodded, understanding not what Kyle was so hysterical about or why he seemed so very frightened but of his perceived urgency of the situation and his desperate need to leave.

'Mr. Trager…' The teacher said narrowing his eyes and walking towards him. 'Are you alright?'

Declan saw Lori and Amanda both approaching.

'Don't let them near me, I can't protect them. You've got to get me away from here. I can't control it for much longer, please, please help me…'

Kyle's frantic and tortured whispers made his blood run cold. He wanted to ask so many things; what it was that he couldn't control, what had happened that day in the woods outside U-Dub, what was the significance of the box of souvenirs, what had happened while Kyle was in Connecticut, to understand what was happening now, but one look at his friend trembling with fear and pain made him realize that his questions would have to wait. It was Kyle's needs that came first right now.

'Kyle's not feeling well; I'm going to take him outside for some air.' He told the teacher.

He stood up and grabbed Kyle's wrist and pulled his arm over his shoulder, dragging him upright.

'If he's feeling unwell enough to miss class then he needs to be taken to the nurse.' The teacher replied, as though this had all been some elaborate ruse for them both to cut class Declan thought angrily. As if Kyle would ever play up in this way. Hell, he loved school!

He then turned towards Lori and Amanda.

'And unless you two also need to see the nurse then I suggest you sit down immediately. Anyone who is not in their seat in the next ten seconds can stand as long as they like in detention. The choice is yours.' The teacher warned.

'But…'

'It's ok, Lori! I've got him.' Declan stared at her for a second trying to make her see that he would take care of Kyle and that it wasn't worth getting a detention over.

For a moment he thought she was going to make a fuss but then she seemed to come to a decision and nodded to him as if to say 'go', 'help him' and 'keep him safe'. And that's exactly what he intended to do. That and find out just what the fuck was going on…