A/N -Major thank you to all of you out there that read and review this story. I love you all so much for riding out this experience with me!
Not only is my beta luv4jake awesome for getting this back to me quick and editing this little thing but because it was her birthday yesterday! So HAPPY BIRHTDAY to you Nya, *hugs*
Twitter girls... you're all kinds of awesome, mwa!
Stormyinco and Debbliss... you two will always rock my socks! love you!
A few announcements at the end of the chapter for you to check out.
Links to the songs in this chapter can be found on my profile.
Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight... unfortunately all i own is the fifteen dollars in my wallet. :(
Stan Walker, Unbroken
I don't know what this is
But I can tell it's something that I can't miss
It's like your showing me where happiness lives
And all I have the strength to do is turn to you
With every empty space
I'm missing pieces only you can replace
I'm like a packet saying please don't wait
Your contents are fragile so I'm glad you're here to stay
I can promise you that this heart
Was brighter than a falling star
And all the money that I could take
Now there's nothing more I can break
Chorus: ya picked up my pieces and put me together
There's no way you'd ever know
That my heart was breaking
Cause you came and threw me a line
I was falling apart but now I'm falling forever
For someone that wont let go
My loves a token
Because of you I'm unbroken x3
Now every piece of my heart is falling back into place
Time stops
When I'm with you I count the seconds I got
Cause every minute I was something I'm not
You given back to me
It's like history don't mean a thing
Tryin' run away I can't hide
I'm in the dark and all I see is your light
And your shining brighter than anything I've ever seen
And I can promise you this heart
Will be a falling star
Cause you know what it means
Chorus
I just woke up from a dream where I was in one piece
no fragment of me and in these empty streets
love held me together and it never let me go x2
nothing left for me to break
Chorus
EPOV
I let my exhausted form collapse into the plush arm chair, thankful for the relief of finally being off my aching feet. Resting my elbow on the arm rest, I dropped my head into my hand and groaned. Shopping was never something I had the fucking patience for.
"Where'd he go?"
"Edward? The last I saw of him he disappeared toward the change rooms."
I heard their shuffling near, till they both appeared around the large wall case of denim. Both their eyes found me at once, Jasper's eyebrow rising in question.
"You ok?" He asked seeming concerned. I lifted my head upright again and scanned the numerous items they had balanced in their arms.
"I'd be ok if you motherfuckers were both done. Like seriously… two hours? Two fucking hours and you're still searching." I said irritably.
"We're done." Emmett responded. "But err… where the hell is your stuff?" He asked pointing with his chin to my empty hands.
"I don't shop. I searched and looked, believe me I did but I didn't find anything… now, can we please just go?" I demanded standing up from my chair and groaning slightly as soon as my weight was back on my feet.
"Sure let's go." Jasper agreed leading the way to the register. "So, you found nothing… what are you going to do?" He asked dropping his purchases onto the counter for the sales lady to scan.
"I've got a week."
"Yeah, in the Christmas rush." He said it like I was stupid.
It was Jasper's idea to head out for Christmas shopping after school that day and as much as the idea sounded like torture to me I knew it had to be done eventually. The thing was, Jasper and Emmett seemed to know what the fuck they were doing when it came to shopping for their girls. Me on the other hand… well I was absolutely fucking clueless. I had no idea what to get Bella which meant I spent the better part of two hours walking around blindly through all the shops, nothing seeming 'right' for her.
"I'll figure that shit out but just please let me out of this fucked up store before I kill someone." I practically growled.
The sales assistant glanced up at me with a startled expression but I just rolled my eyes at her and turned so that my back was to her and I was resting against the edge of the counter.
I almost started singing Hallelujah when we finally managed to exit that damned store I was so relieved… but I didn't, of course. With bags clutched in their hands, I followed Em and Jasper as they made their way through the mall and to the Food Court for some much needed nourishment.
Once we'd settled ourselves down onto a table with some burgers and drinks we dug in, the three of us too famished to bother with conversation.
Wiping my mouth down with a napkin, I grabbed my soda and leaned back in my chair, hoping to release some pressure off my now full stomach.
"What time does she get off work tonight?" Jasper asked, popping a fry into his mouth.
"Eight. But she normally gets off about six thirty." I explained with a sigh. Bella had started working at Newton's Outfitters a week after Thanksgiving. She was doing afternoons after school and half days on Saturdays. I wasn't too happy with her working there, especially when I knew the time was spent with the ever clueless-to-rejection Mike Newton. She calls me ridiculous when I claim he's lusting after her. That girl will never see how fucking sexy she is.
Jasper nodded in acknowledgement as he continued eating. Emmett was texting away on his phone, oblivious to his surroundings. He and Rose had become fucking inseparable since Seattle, it was like their time apart had brought them closer to each other.
It was an hour later we split, each one heading to see their girl while I made my way to Newton's Outfitters to pick up Bella from her shift. Parking my car right in front of the store, I climbed out and headed inside ignoring the 'Closed' sign hanging on the glass door. The door bell alerted my presence but no one seemed to be in sight. Some of the display lights had already been switched off for closing, so it was pretty dark inside. I weaved my way through the store and towards the back where the stock room was located; that's where I always found Bella and Mike at the end of the day. I could hear their voices as I neared, particularly Bella's giggling and the soft musical sound sent a surge of jealousy to erupt through me. It might be considered fucking ridiculous to get jealous over Bella giggling with Mike but the fact of the matter was, it'd been weeks since I'd been able to fire up that kind of reaction from her. I've been the less-than-pleasant boyfriend with my bull shit and it hurt. It hurt to think that someone else could make her laugh so effortlessly while I couldn't. I should be the one bringing a smile to her face, not some fuck wit who worked with her.
I reached the stock room to find the door slightly ajar, so I took that as an invitation to push it all the way open and make myself known.
"Hey," I said peeking in. Bella and Mike were both sitting on crates, side by side turned a little toward each other. They both had a clip board in their lap with some papers attached. It looked like they were comparing numbers or some shit, and it wasn't supposed to be that way but I couldn't help but notice that their seating seemed too fucking cozy for my liking. Drawing a deep calming breath, I schooled my expression to one of nonchalance. I really didn't need to greet Bella with my anger.
"Edward." Mike nodded, his smile fading slightly at the sight of me. Fucker.
"Hey, baby." Bella grinned as she looked up at me. She jumped up from her seat, tossed her clip board on the crate mindlessly and rushed over to me, throwing her arms around my neck. I couldn't explain the feeling of serenity that washed over me as soon as her body touched mine. I wrapped my arms around her, nuzzling my face into her hair and greedily inhaled her sweet nectar. It was amazing how much I missed her. I had only seen her a few hours prior at school but it felt way too long.
"You done?" I asked as we pulled back. I leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips, smiling down at her as I pulled back.
"Almost, we just need another fifteen minutes to-"
"That's ok Bella," Mike assured, cutting her off as he stood up. "We can finish these tomorrow morning." He smiled at her. I almost growled at him, the smile he gave her was always a smile of longing. She was mine.
"You sure? I wouldn't want-"
"Positive." He declared.
"Ok, well I'll see you at two tomorrow?"
"Sure." He nodded.
I couldn't have been any faster in dragging her out of there. I wanted her to myself, to just hold her and cuddle her because I'd become a fucking 'cuddler' apparently over of the past few weeks. Who would've thought?
We arrived back at my place just past eight thirty. Emmett wasn't home but Carlisle was. Walking past his office where the light filtered from beneath his door, Bella and I ascended the stairs to my bedroom. I locked the door behind us once we walked in then tugged her by the hand toward my bed.
"Get in." I demanded softly. She smiled as she toed off her Converse sneakers, ripped off her jacket, shirt and jeans. Leaving her in nothing but some skimpy fucking panties and her bra, she crawled into my bed and slid herself beneath the covers. I followed her actions, discarding my clothes till I was in nothing but some dark green boxers and crawled in beside her. Scooping her up, I pulled her against me so that I was spooning her from behind. I buried my face into her cupcake scented hair and sighed in relief. This was my heaven and nothing could tear me away from it.
"I missed you, baby girl." I murmured into her hair as my hand caressed the smooth skin of her stomach.
"Me too… you have me all night." She sighed happily. And that I did. She had faked a sleep over at Alice's who thankfully was covering for us in case Bella's mum was to ring and ask for her.
I hummed in response, using my nose to nudge away the hair covering her neck so that it was exposed to me. I placed delicate kisses along her creamy neck, desperate to keep her close to me. I'd been the less than perfect boyfriend for her since my return from Seattle. She's had to deal with my mood swings and fucked up behavior and it wasn't anything I had expected her to put up with, honestly. But baffling me, she was still here, willing to put up with me, something I'd never come to understand.
I've never had to retell my story. To anyone. Never had I heard it spoken out loud. In my head, it'd been repeated more times than I'd like to count, each time torturing me with the bleak memories. I knew that eventually I'd have to come out and tell Bella exactly what happened in my past. It would help her understand me more and to be honest I wanted to tell her, I wanted to be honest with her about everything and never had I ever had the desire to express my shit to anyone. I'd been a fucking closed book for years. Like a book that had been written then snapped shut away from the eyes of others and placed on a shelf, out of reach. People knew it was there, had a fair idea what that book was about but never knowing exactly what was inside.
It hurt. It hurt like a motherfucker having to hook my finger into that book and open it up. Reading it out loud made it so real, so fucking real that it was like I was reliving the nightmare all over again.
She held me, she glued herself to my side, determined to never leave me and that reassurance was what kept me together, because had it not been for her support I would have lost it. I owe it to her. I could never be enough for her in my eyes. She's dealt with shit in her life that haunts her everyday. She doesn't need someone else's bull shit on top of that. She needs someone to take care of her, to cherish her, someone to relish in all that she can give because the girl gives all of her. She has given me everything that she can and yet I've only given her a part of me.
I love her.
And because of that fact I can't find it in myself to let her go. The thought alone taunts me. We're like two magnets drawn together by force, that even if I wanted to walk away because she deserved more, I couldn't do it. That shit just wasn't possible.
I will live everyday making sure that I prove to her that I can do it. I can love her and treasure her like she deserves. I could never be enough for her, but I sure as Hell will make sure that I try. That's all that's in my power. To try. And I'd do anything to make her happy.
The past three weeks, since returning from Seattle certainly haven't been my easiest. The guilt was still there, nestling itself like a constant badgering ache in my chest. Reminding me of my fuck up. Reminding me of that dreaded night. Reminding me of the lives I'd thoroughly fucked up because of one fucking decision. I knew I couldn't hold this guilt for the rest of my life. But it wasn't as easy as saying 'I'm over it' and the nagging guilt just diminishes into thin fucking air like it never existed. That shit was ingrained in me, fucking carved into my chest permanently that I wasn't sure I'd ever be free from it.
Since my mother's death, that throbbing ache began to generate. Six months later, after the death of my best friend that throbbing gained its momentum to a relentless constant pounding. There were moments when it faded into the background, when my mind was too focused on something else. But it never disappeared. The pain itself never faded. It was like your heart beat or your breathing, constantly there but you're not necessarily aware of it every second of the fucking day.
That's why I fucked girls, plain and simple. I turned to the ecstasy that sex provided to numb it. The sensations that sex brought, the endorphins sex released numbed that pain. It may have been temporary but that short lived numbness was fucking worth it when I could free myself from something so raw.
The nightmares happened every night. I was hoping being back in Forks would have driven them away. It was just wishful thinking on my part. Every night I woke up to my scream, panting and sweating. The images of that night replaying in my head like a broken record made to torture me. What was worse was the dream always started with the day he lashed out at me, after finding out what I'd done. I'd relive his tempered words, his rage, the hatred he tossed my way. Almost like he was calling me from the grave, reminding me that I fucked up his life. That would lead to the accident; the sound of the sirens, the sound of his agonizing screams, the sight of his crushed car, the image of him being cut out and barely conscious, the vision of him in that hospital bed, battered and unconscious. I relived those memories every fucking night.
Vodka numbed the intensity of the dreams somewhat, but it never took them away. During the week I'd refrain from drinking myself into oblivion knowing I couldn't afford to miss classes due to being hung over. I couldn't go to Chicago… I needed my girl, just like I needed the air to breathe.
On the weekends I'd refrain from doing so for Bella's sake. I didn't want her to witness me pissed drunk and high. I knew that hurt her and I was hurting her enough by not being myself. Her presence was better than any drug or alcohol could provide. Her presence dulled that pain till it was faint enough to ignore effortlessly.
"It hurts when you're not near." I blurted out. She stiffened against me, most likely taken off guard by my sudden comment. She turned slightly so that she was half on her back and gazed over at me. Her face soft as her eyes roamed mine thoughtfully. I was fighting the build up of emotions in my chest, my love for her swelling and I had the strongest urge to just blurt it out to her, to express to her just how much she meant to me; how just her simple touch warmed the coolness of my heart. Her presence intoxicating me with her ease.
I lifted a hand and gently brushed away the hair from her face. My eyes locked with hers, their warm brown depths warming every inch of me. What had I done to deserve a girl like her? She turned around all the way to face me so that she was on her side. She raised her hand and pressed her palm to my naked chest, right over my heart and I was positive she could feel its tattooed beat. It was all for her. All of it, I wanted her to have it, to take my heart and keep it because I'd already given it to her.
A soft smile tugged at her lips and in response I smiled back at her, the reaction involuntarily. Surprising me, she guided her hand away from my heart then leaned her face down and pressed a delicate lingering kiss right where her hand had been. Over my heart. As soon as she pulled away I wove my fingers through her hair and kissed her.
I kissed her with all the passion I could muster, my emotions taking a hold of me and pouring out into the kiss. She responded enthusiastically, parting her lips and allowing her tongue to meet mine. Her taste filled my mouth and I groaned softly letting my hand leave her face and trail down her side and to the back of her thigh where I hitched it up over my hip allowing my erection to dig into her panty clad pussy. The kiss grew heated as our breaths quickened, mouths wide open, feeling like we couldn't get enough of each other. She was consuming me and it was the best damned feeing in the world.
I pushed myself up so that I was hovering over her without breaking the kiss. She wrapped her legs around my waist and tugged my lower half down so that I was pressing against her pussy. She started grinding herself against me, causing me to groan out loud and meet her movements. Detaching my lips from hers, I kissed down her neck to her collarbone, past her shoulder till I reached the swell of her breasts. I ran my tongue over each swell loving the feel of her writhing beneath me. Biting down on her nipple through the fabric of her bra, elicited a nice long moan from her.
Slipping my hand under her arched back, I managed to undo her bra clasp quickly and made quick work of tearing the offending the garment away from her, tossing it to the floor. My mouth found her nipple immediately, letting my tongue flick the bud back and forth till it puckered up nicely. Closing my lips around it, I sucked on it roughly, swirling my tongue over it occasionally. Her hands were fisted into my hair, holding me in place as her back arched against me. I missed her. I missed having her like this, touching her, feeling her, tasting her.
Moving my lips down her torso, I let my tongue circle her navel before I reached the hem of her panties. I ran my nose along her sex, smelling her sweet arousal.
"Fuck… baby girl, I want to taste you so fucking bad." I groaned. I lifted my head up to look at her, she had one hand gripping the bed sheets beside her while the other maintained a pretty firm grip in my hair. I turned my attention back to her sweet pussy before me and wondered just how I could bring her to her orgasm.
I bit down gently onto her clit through the fabric causing her to cry out. I pulled back and chuckled as I had not expected her to be so vocal.
"Shhh, baby. Carlisle's downstairs… possibly in his room just down the hall." I warned her with a smirk. She lifted her head to look at me, her face flush with her arousal. Her expression was one of shock as if it had just dawned on her that Carlisle was home. "Would it be possible for you to keep it down… just a notch?"
She flushed an even darker shade of red in embarrassment and nodded her head sheepishly. I hummed in content as I made my way back up toward her face, capturing her lips in a fervent kiss.
"You're so beautiful baby…" I said softly. She smiled at me as her hands raked over my back. She let them trail down until I felt her warm hand stroke over my dick.
"Fuck me…" I groaned as I let my head drop to her shoulder, succumbing to the pleasure that was overpowering me.
Before I knew it, her hand slipped beneath the hem of my boxers where her warm hand wrapped around my dick.
"Do you like that?" she asked breathily. I hummed in response lifting my face so my eyes could meet hers. Her bottom lip was captured between her teeth, her lidded eyes focused on mine. My breathing picked up as her hand began stroking me determinedly, my head dropping to rest on her shoulder. Then all of a sudden, her hand left me. My head snapped up in fucking disappointment but before I could register what was happening she pushed me off of her till I rolled onto my back. She threw a leg over my hip so that she was straddling my waist, and the sight of her above me, her long brown hair cascading in waves over the bare creamy skin of her shoulders and back was absolutely fucking breathtaking.
She kissed me once more, her tongue diving into my mouth with enthusiasm. My hands found her ass, my fingers digging into her flesh as I pushed her down against my throbbing cock. She whimpered into my mouth, the sound muffled by the work of my tongue as I continued to devour her sweet mouth.
She eventually broke away from the kiss and gave me a nervous smirk. Her lips were red and swollen and the thought that I had fucking done that to her made me grin back at her. She slid down my body, pushing my legs apart so that she could sit between them. I lifted myself up onto my elbows and watched her with rapt attention as she hooked her fingers into the hem of my boxers and began to tug them down. Trying to overcome the shock I felt at her boldness, I helped her slide them off to where she tossed them over her shoulder.
Her hand closed around my cock once more, as she stroked me up and down firmly. I clenched down on my teeth, trying to fight off the urge I had to groan out loud at the sensations that were beginning to bubble up in the pit of my groin. Biting her lip, her lidded eyes once again focused on mine as she sped up the movements of her hand and before I could register anything, she leaned down and encased me into her warm wet mouth.
"Holy fuck!" I exclaimed in surprise, collapsing back onto the bed. "Fuck… Bella baby…" I groaned unable to form a simple coherent sentence. Where the fuck had that come from? We'd never talked about that shit. She'd never mentioned anything or suggested she would ever try. She just straight out did it taking me completely off guard.
I couldn't focus on anything besides the feeling of her mouth on me. Never had I expected it to feel this fucking good. You could tell she was an amateur with the way she was working me but that didn't mean it didn't feel fucking good. Just the thought of her sucking me was enough to bring me over the edge.
I lifted my head up again to glance down at her, wanting to tattoo the image of her sucking me to memory. And nothing could have prepared me for the sight of her. Her long dark hair was framing her face, as I watched her head bop up and down along my cock. One hand was grasping my thigh for leverage as her other hand held the base of my cock.
"Use your hand too, baby." I breathed. She began moving her hand in sync with the movements of her sweet mouth. Her eyes finally lifted to look at me from beneath her lashes, her lips wrapped around my cock and I lost it.
"Bella, I'm gonna fucking come…" but instead of pulling me out, she kept me in her mouth which only intensified my orgasm as I spilled my seed into her mouth and down her throat. Once she had milked me dry, I was left panting on the bed, unable to move, still trying to overcome the shock of what she had just done. I felt her mouth slide up and off of me where she then placed a kiss to the tip of my cock.
"Hey," she whispered suddenly hovering over me. I opened my eyes to find her face inches away, her cheeks flushed crimson and her eyes staring back at me with trepidation. I grabbed her by the shoulders and rolled us over till she was on her back causing her to squeal in surprise.
I brought my lips to her ear and growled, "Where in the fuck did that come from?" I started placing open mouthed kisses along her neck as she shrugged against me. "That was… holy fuck I don't even know what to say…" I said meeting my eyes with hers.
"Did… did you like it?" she asked biting her lip nervously. I reached my hand up and pulled her lip out from its torture with my thumb.
"Like it? No, Bella I didn't fucking like it..." I began and I felt a little guilty for not explaining faster when I saw the look of rejection and embarrassment wash over her features. "I fucking loved it, Bella. All of it. All of you." I said placing a kiss to the end of her nose. I pulled back to find her staring back at me in shock, her teeth once again gnawing away at her bottom lip.
"What?" I asked furrowing my brows in confusion at her expression. She seemed to hesitate briefly before she shook her head quickly at me, rearranging her features to a soft smile. I let it slide, if it was important she would have told me.
"That was brilliant, baby girl." I smirked. "Who would've thought my girl had it in her."
"Edward, this is embarrassing, can we not talk about it." She said lifting her hands to bury her face into them to hide her deepening blush. I chuckled as I tried to pry her hands away with one of mine.
"Don't be embarrassed." I said seriously. "Hey, look at me. Show me your eyes baby. Don't hide them from me." Her chest rose with a deep breath before she let her hands fall from her face. I stared at her, once again disbelieving of her beauty and what she did to me.
I pressed a soft kiss to her lips, lingering there a little longer than need be and pulled back just enough so that our lips were still touching.
"This mouth…" I whispered before kissing her again, "is perfect." I pried her lips open with mine and deepened the kiss allowing my tongue to seek hers. I physically felt her relax beneath me, sinking back into the mattress as she kissed me back.
"Just like the rest of you." I uttered softly as I kissed her deeply. I wanted her to feel just how beautiful she was to me, because she was. To me she was perfect.
"One mile to every inch of… your skin like porcelain," I sang softly against her lips, the words just audible to our ears. "One pair of candy lips… and your bubblegum tongue," I continued before I kissed her again, making sure my tongue caressed hers. I pulled away and moved my lips along her jaw, taking my time like I had all the time in the world. "Your body is like a wonderland…" My lips found her neck where I placed open mouthed kisses along the expanse of it, trailing down to her collarbone and to her breasts where I took my time giving each one equal attention. I could feel her breathing pick up as I let my lips continue roaming her smooth skin, past her torso and to her stomach.
I continued singing against her skin, "Damn baby, you frustrate me…I know you're mine, all mine, but you look so good it hurts sometimes." She half sighed and half moaned as I sang against her stomach, my name escaping her lips in a breath.
I reached the hem of her panties and without hesitation began to tug them down, sliding them down her legs till they were off. I tossed them off to the side as I let my eyes focus on her fucking sweet pussy before me. She tried to timidly close her legs to hide herself from me but I wasn't having any of that as I grabbed her by the knees and pulled them apart again. I groaned at the sight of her glistening, her arousal clear before me and just waiting to be attended to.
Unable to hold back any longer, I darted my tongue out and ran it from bottom to top, lapping at her juices.
"Fuck," I muttered as her taste filled my mouth. Her knees began to relax but tensed up as soon as I let my tongue flick over her clit and tease it. One of her hands found its way into my hair, as I let my tongue work her clit. I slid two fingers into her slowly, feeling her stretch against my fingers the further I pushed in. She was so fucking tight, I had to fight back the thought of what my dick would feel like buried in her otherwise nothing would stop me from trying.
She let out a quick gust of air when I pulled my fingers out slowly then pushed them back in, giving her time to stretch for me. I hummed against her clit before removing my fingers and replacing them with my tongue.
"Oh… Edward!" she breathed as I thrust my tongue into her slowly, then back out, circling her entrance before pushing back in. I had to place a hand over her hip to hold her down when she began writhing against me, the sound of her breaths becoming quicker and louder.
My fingers entered her again, but this time in long, quick thrusts, wanting to bring her to her release. She began panting loudly, my name barely audible from her lips. She was close, so I curled my fingers inside of her and stroked her g-spot just as I flicked my tongue over her clit again. She cried out as her walls clamped down around my fingers, her body convulsing as she came. I licked up every bit of her, losing myself in her taste as she calmed back down.
I licked my lips as I slid myself back up so that I was face to face with her again. Her eyes opened slowly to meet mine, glazed over and bright. I leaned down and kissed her wanting her to taste herself because she tasted incredible. She hummed as I pulled back and buried my face into her neck, inhaling her scent.
"I love it when you sing to me." She whispered into my ear, her lips brushing against it sending a warm shiver to erupt through me. This girl was going to be the death of me.
I lifted my head to meet her eyes, "I just gave you a mind blowing orgasm yet all you can remember is my singing?" I asked, the sides of my mouth quirking into a smile.
She giggled, "Its not that, it's just your voice is so…" she bit her lip trying to find the right words, "it sends tingles down my spine." She chuckled as she added, "That sounded really corny but it's true."
"Corny?" I chuckled. "Yeah, maybe. And just so you know, John Mayer isn't someone I admit to listening to. He's got an alright voice but that's it. It's just that, that song seemed appropriate." I explained hoping she'd understand I wasn't into that fucker's music. "because this…" I said running a hand along her torso and palming her breast, "Is my fucking wonderland."
She grinned back at me, and leaned up to press a soft kiss to my lips.
We eventually fell asleep, curled up into one another. It was a shame that I couldn't have her in my bed every night like that. It was definitely something I could find myself getting used to.
I woke up a few hours later, my bed side clock informing me it was just past two in the morning. Patting the cold bed beside me, I realized Bella wasn't there. Furrowing my brows and muttering a 'fuck', I sat myself up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. Where the fuck did she go?
Scrambling out of bed and pulling on my boxer shorts, I padded out of the room and out into the hall. I squinted against the dim light illuminating the hallway in a soft yellow glow. Low murmurs coming from Emmett's room caught my attention, leading me in that direction. His bedroom door was open and I tried not to glare at him when I found him sitting up in his bed, his back against the headboard, wearing nothing but some boxers and a wife beater. Bella was sitting Indian style by his legs, picking at her nails, her expression forlorn and serious. She had changed into a pair of flannel pants and a tank top. At the sound of me clearing my throat, her head snapped up in my direction, her eyes wide with surprise.
"Edward." She said forcing a smile to her face. My eyes darted over to Emmett who just smiled at me like nothing was going on, but the look of guilt on Bella's face had me suspicious.
"You weren't in bed." I said a little shortly to Bella, not meaning to sound so curt.
"I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep." She shrugged. "I was heading down to grab a glass of water but Emmett had just gotten home and he invited me in here and we kinda just lost track of time."
"Geez, cool it bro. I won't bite her." Emmett said waving me in. "Join us."
"I want to go back to bed. I'm tired as fuck." I said scrubbing a tired hand over my face. "You coming?" I asked cocking an eyebrow at Bella. She hesitated for a second before nodding and shifting off the bed.
"Thanks Emmett." She said smiling at him in thank you.
"Anytime BFF, I'm here." He said seriously. "We'll finish this tomorrow."
"Sure." Bella said coming to stand beside me. I slipped my hand into hers and tugged her against me, desperate for her warmth.
"Finish what tomorrow?" I asked looking between the two of them.
"None of your bees wax." Emmett answered quickly. "Go sleep. I'm beat." He said grabbing the top of the back of his wife beater and pulling it over his head and tossing it across the room. I didn't like the idea of him flaunting his beef in front of my girl but she didn't seem to be affected by it.
"Night, Emmett." She called over her shoulder as I shut the door behind us. I escorted us back to my room trying to beat down the nagging feeling I had that whatever they were talking about had to do with me.
Without a word I pulled her into bed with me and back under the covers. She snuggled into my side as I wrapped my arms around her, neither one of us saying anything to fill the silence that had encompassed us since leaving Emmett's room. You could feel the tension though, and I was sure as fuck she could tell I was pissed.
When I couldn't take it any longer I spoke, "What was it you two were discussing?" I tried to keep the edge out of my voice but knew I failed miserably.
I felt her tense every so slightly for a split second before she answered quietly, "Just stuff."
"About me?" I asked pulling her back enough so that I could look straight into her eyes.
She wouldn't meet my gaze, her eyes shutting as she answered. "I didn't go in to specifically speak about you but yes, conversation eventually trailed in that direction."
I chuckled darkly, "What about?"
"Nothing that-"
"What about, Bella?" I asked again a little more forcefully, cutting her off.
She hesitated before she whispered, "I'm just worried… that's all." It hurt to think she'd talk about me behind my back to my brother.
"So you go ratting out about me to my brother?" I snapped. "Un-fucking-believable." I said incredulously, releasing her and sitting up in bed. She sat herself up beside me so that she was facing me, looking hurt and worried. Her teeth were gnawing away at her bottom lip again.
"It wasn't like that." She said with a shake of her head.
"Then fucking enlighten me." I retorted.
"I was just asking about you that's all. I want to help you." She said, agitation leaking into her voice. She was beginning to lose her cool, I could see it. She moved onto her knees sitting back on her ankles, wringing her fingers anxiously in her lap.
"Then talk to me. Don't go fucking talking to my brother. I'm not some fucked up charity case that needs observation." I practically growled. She looked down into her lap but said nothing, and I immediately felt like a prick for snapping at her. But I hated feeling like this lab mouse that everyone observed, acting all secretive as they discussed my 'condition'. It was how it was in the beginning and nothing compares to the feeling of being treated like you're fucking zany.
"I'm sorry." She said lifting her gaze to meet mine and I could feel every bit of sincerity reflected in them. "I'm only trying to help you and trying to do it without feeling somewhat like a dictator."
"Don't treat me any differently." I said softly this time. "Just treat me like you always do. You just being you is what helps me, Bella." I bore my gaze into hers, her lips parting slightly as she stared back. "It's the reason why…" I trailed off when I realized the words were right at the tip of my tongue, threatening to be spoken. I wasn't sure if I was ready to express just how much she meant to me. It was a terrifying thought to render myself vulnerable like that, because uttering those three words, will inevitably change things. And I don't know if I could bear it if she weren't to return them.
"The reason why, what?" She asked, pushing me to finish what I was going to say.
"Nothing." I said dismissively. "I'm tired as fuck… lets just sleep, ok?"
She lifted herself and kneed her way over to me till her chest was against my shoulder. She dragged a gentle hand through my hair, my head lolling into her palm as my eyes shut. Why was I feeling so overwhelmed by emotions so much lately? This wasn't me. I was never one to be led by emotions like this. But maybe that was because I've never felt anything remotely close to what I was feeling right now. Bella was like no other girl I'd ever met.
Her hand slipped down to cup my face and my hand came up to rest over hers, holding it in place. I turned my face into her hand and kissed her palm. She smiled softly at me then pushed me back to lie down, my unspoken words forgotten. I scooped her up like I always did and crushed her to me, wrapping my arms around her. I buried my face into her hair and just held her, needing that comfort she always so effortlessly provided as we drifted off into a slumber.
The dreams eventually came… they always did.
"Edward? Edward wake up."
I shot up with a startle, gasping for air. My eyes frantically searched the blackened room, sweat dripping down the back of my neck and my hair clung to my sticky forehead. I jumped when I felt a hand on my arm. My eyes snapped beside me to find Bella looking at me with worried and concerned eyes. I dropped my head into my hands, trying to compose myself and my hammering heart.
Bella's arms came around my damp sticky form, her lips pressing delicately to the side of my neck.
"The dreams…" she murmured … "I'm sorry." She whispered. I shook my head against her, trying to fight back the onslaught of emotion that always came after the dreams. She continued to hold me till I dropped my hands and lifted my head. I turned to face her, the sight of her concerned eyes overwhelming me even more.
"You alright?" she uttered quietly, brushing back my hair that stuck to my forehead.
"Yeah, just… fuck." I muttered with another shake of my head. I scrambled out of bed and grabbed my pack of cigarettes. Slipping one out, I walked over to my open window and sat myself against its sill. I lit my cigarette and took a much needed hit. It was the same routine every night. Every fucking night.
I looked over at Bella to see her sitting and staring at me to which she tried to force a smile. I signaled her over with a tilt of my head. She didn't hesitate sliding out of bed and padding over to me. I grabbed her by the hand and sat her in my lap as we both stared out the window and into the night sky, the sparkle of the stars above us providing a beautiful view.
We sat in silence as I smoked my cigarette, the peace of the moment just what I needed to help me overcome the effects of the dreams.
I flicked the butt of my cigarette out the window and nuzzled my face into Bella's hair, never wanting the moment to end.
It wasn't until ten the next morning that we were both woken up by some loud banging against my bedroom door. Groaning, Bella buried her face further into my chest as her hands came up to cup her ears from the sound.
"Fuck off." I croaked out sleepily. If I wasn't so tired I would have gotten up and beat the shit out of whoever was making that damned racket
"Open up, bro, or I'm coming in." Emmett boomed from the other side of the door which was followed by more banging.
"The doors locked…fuck off!" I yelled more loudly this time.
"You think I don't know how to pick the fucking lock?" He challenged. I froze for a second because he was right, he did know how to pick locks. He'd done it heaps of times over the years, mostly to get into Carlisle's office for booze.
"I'm ready to fucking kill him." I growled as I threw the covers off of me and dragged myself away from Bella. Scrubbing my hands roughly through my hair I thrust the door open and aggressively shoved Emmett back, causing him to stumble backwards.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I snapped.
"Fuck dude, chill. We're all heading out for breakfast… let's go. Get dressed."
"I don't want to go." I seethed as I gripped the door frame.
"Maybe Bella wants to. Have you thought of asking her?" I glanced over Emmett's shoulder to follow the sound of the snarky remark. Rosalie stood with her arms crossed over her chest with a raised perfectly arched eyebrow at me, awaiting my answer. She dropped hands and walked over to us. "Put some clothes on." She said acting disgusted by my appearance.
"You're lucky I'm even wearing boxers. I normally sleep in the nude." I smirked at her. "And don't act like you don't like what you see." I challenged with a cocked eyebrow. She rolled her eyes at me but said nothing. I felt Bella appear behind me, her arms coming around my waist as she tucked herself into my side. I glanced down at her and she still looked sleepy.
"It looks like you two had a sleepless night." Rosalie leered at Bella.
"Don't start." Bella said with a shake of her head.
"For the love of… fucking Christ, I'm hungry. Are we going to stand here all morning or are we going to go grab some breakfast. Cause I'll go on my own if none of you's want to come." Emmett said as he absentmindedly rubbed his stomach.
"Meet us downstairs in fifteen." Rosalie said before pushing Emmett away from the door and back down the hall.
Half an hour later, (yeah, I took my time on purpose) we were all heading out to the diner in Forks along with Jasper and Alice as well. We spoke of our Christmas and New Years plans. Bella was heading out to Seattle to spend a few days with her father for Christmas. I was supposed to be heading back to Seattle with Carlisle and Emmett as well but I wasn't sure I had it in me to head back so soon after the last fucked up trip. But I knew this time that if I did stay back, I'd be alone without my girl and I wanted nothing more than to spend Christmas with her. Maybe I could try and get her to stay back? It was unfair to suggest such a favor from her and not to mention selfish but it was worth a try.
A couple of hours later, Bella and I were back in my room, but only for a bit before she had to head to work. The rest of them wanted to go out to the mall but I wasn't really in the mood to hang out with them. I had distanced myself from them over the past few weeks. It wasn't intentional but I wasn't completely over what happened in Seattle. Images of Charlotte and her frail appearance flash repeatedly through my mind everyday. The pain shoots into my heart like a sting, a heaviness settling there, weighing me down with guilt and regret till I either numb it away with some Stolichnaya or distract myself with Bella. It was a coward's way out but I wasn't prepared for any other way to deal with it.
I watched her as she poked around in my bookcase, searching for something to read. I wanted to put a movie in, an excuse to cuddle her close to me but she had mentioned she was in the mood to read. I stared at her back, the way her jeans hugged her small tight ass perfectly. The way her hair hung down to the middle of her back in shiny waves. There was no way I could comprehend another few days without her, it would be torture. It was scaring the fuck out of me just how much I relied on her. I've never relied on anyone before, let alone a girl.
"Hey," I said trying to sound casual, in an attempt to grasp her attention.
"Hmm?" She hummed in response as she continued to flick through some books.
"How often do you visit your dad?" I asked, keeping my tone informal. That seemed to capture her attention. She turned to face me, her brows pulled together in puzzlement by my random question.
"Err, usually the holidays. Christmas, Easter, normally Thanksgiving apart from this year. Umm… summer break I spend about two weeks with him. Why?"
I slid my eyes away from hers, already feeling the guilt creep up at the suggestion I was about to make.
"Bella, I don't think I can go back to Seattle." I said simply, meeting her eyes again. Her face fell, worry etching its way into her features as she stared back at me. "Don't fucking look at me like that." I warned.
She bit her lip in hesitation before she spoke, "You want me to stay here with you." She stated like it was the most obvious thing, certainly picking up where I was going with my questioning.
"Yeah, and I don't fucking expect you to agree to stay here and stay away from your father. It's fucking Christmas, for fucks sake. You need to be with him. Just ignore me. I'll figure my shit out." I shrugged, raising myself from the couch and snatching my pack of cigarettes from the top of the dresser. But as I turned toward the door, Bella grabbed me by the arm and tugged me back around to face her.
"Are you always going to run away when things get tough?" She accused. Her tone wasn't harsh, in fact she asked me softly. But I could tell from the look in her chocolate eyes that she was completely serious.
"I'm not running away." I retorted defensively.
She let my hand drop as she said, "Then what would you call it?"
I cursed my brain for not coming up with an appropriate response. Maybe because I knew exactly that what I was doing was running away, no matter how hard I tried to deny it.
"You know Edward," She began staring down at her feet briefly before meeting my eyes again. "Running away doesn't solve anything. You know I'm here and I don't know just how clear I need to make that to you, but I mean it with every ounce of my heart."
"I know." I replied dejectedly.
"Do you really?" She asked, a tinge of sadness to her voice.
"Yes, I do know. I know you want to help me but how can you, if I can't even help myself?" I questioned.
"Because we're in this together." She replied firmly as she fisted her hands into the front of my t-shirt.
"Fuck, I know." I sighed, growing irritated with myself. "Come here." I said grabbing her by the arm and pulling her against my chest. I buried my face into the crook of her neck and just settled there, basking in the comfort that she always provided.
"So, do you want me to stay with you for Christmas?" She asked. I shook my head against her before pulling back to look at her face.
"Can we forget I suggested anything… just for now? You have to get to work." I said glancing at my wrist watch.
"Alright," She agreed leaning up to kiss my jaw.
We filed into my car ten minutes later after Bella had gathered her stuff. I dropped her off outside the front of the store where Mrs. Newton greeted her with a huge smile and then led her inside. I felt that familiar pang at the sight of a mother that always inevitably came but before I could dwell on it, I pulled the car away from the curb and gunned it down the street.
I was back at home before I knew it. Carlisle was in the kitchen making a sandwich when I entered. I was hoping for a bee line toward the stairs but he called me and the tone of his voice made me stop in my tracks. We still weren't really speaking apart from the essential basic chatter. Our relationship has never really flourished, it's just the way I've always known it.
I leaned my hands against the edge of the bench and waited for him to speak. He wiped his hands with a kitchen towel before he spoke.
"I haven't seen much of you lately." He stated glancing at me thoughtfully.
"I've been busy." I replied dryly.
"Hmm," he didn't seem impressed by my lack of enthusiasm. "I see things are serious between you and Bella. She's a very nice girl." He said, slipping himself into a bar stool in front of his sandwich.
"She is."
"She's good for you."
"Don't I know it."
"Don't screw it up." He said firmly before taking a bit of his sandwich. I narrowed my eyes at him not impressed with the topic.
"Can I go now?"
"Can't I chat with my son? Why does there always have to be a reason for me to strike up a conversation?
"We've never just chatted, you know that. We're not like that." He seemed to flinch slightly from the harshness of my words but quickly composed himself, taking another bite of his sandwich, his eyes focused solely on the bench.
"If that's how you feel, you can go now." He said clearing his throat and forcing a smile my way. I stared at him, feeling a little guilty for what I said but it wasn't enough to keep me there. Without a word I took the stairs up to my room.
I stripped out of my shirt and toed off my shoes and socks, leaving me in just my jeans. I sat on the edge of my bed and laid myself back, leaving my legs to hang off the edge. A hand went to my hair, stroking lazily through the mess.
I wasn't really sure what to make of my life at the moment. Things remained fucked up which was almost the norm for me. The only aspect of my life that I could find some peace in was my relationship with Bella. In her presence, I feel like I could subjugate anything. All the obstacles, all the fuck ups… everything. It was a comforting thought, one that eased the intensity of all the shit going on. That was probably what was keeping me from the drugs. I felt somewhat whole again, like all the issues I had going on were insignificant. They were minor matters that could be forgotten about because Bella made everything ok.
I sighed frustration, my fingers continuing to rake lazily through my hair. My eyes drifted closed in fatigue and I turned my head to the side, wanting nothing more than for sleep to take me. My lack of sleep at night was really starting to fuck me up and take its toll.
I forced my eyes open and they caught my guitar hanging on the wall. It still hurt to look at. It held way too many memories that I wasn't fond of resurfacing at the moment.
But my guitar, used to be my outlet for my emotions. I used to pour it out into my music, something I hadn't done since Peter's death. I shut my eyes and turned my head the other way, willing to ignore it. But as hard as I tried, I couldn't fight its presence, as if it was calling me... begging to be played. My fingers twitched, the urge to play growing inside of me till it was too hard to fight. I sat up in bed and scrubbed my hands over my face.
I did miss playing, that was undeniable. It was my vent, my therapy. I never enjoyed anything more than playing Daisy. I tentatively stood up from the bed and with a deep breath, determinedly walked over to the wall where she hung. I stood before it and stared at her. I hadn't touched her since hanging her up when we first moved. It didn't mean I ever forgot about her. I could never forget something so significant to me. It was a part of who I was… used to be a huge part of who I was. It was how I used to define myself, through my music. Now I feel like I don't even know that part of me anymore.
Taking a deep shuddering breath, I hesitantly raised my hands and grasped her gently from the lower bout, lifted her slightly and pulled her away from the wall off its hook. The surge of emotion that washed over me almost left me gasping for air but I fought it down, not willing to let it cripple me. I wanted to do this.
I used one hand to grab her from her neck and carried her over back to my bed. I dropped myself back onto the edge of my bed and laid her on her side horizontally across my lap, draping my right arm over the sound board. I let my fingers hang over the strings, not completely resting on them even though the itch to fondle them was overwhelming.
My left hand came out from underneath, my fingers wrapping around her neck delicately. I flexed my fingers a few times, warming them up and psyching myself to let them rest against the strings. I sat like that holding Daisy, unmoving for an unknown length of time. My fingers flexing, twitching as I reveled in the feel of its hard body against my lap and chest. It felt right. I hadn't realized how much I missed playing. I felt a part of me come back, settling within me comfortingly.
Taking a deep breath, I made use of my fingers and began to play a few chords, warming up my fingers and letting it all come back to me. The joy that surged through my veins was exhilarating and I channeled that adrenaline and poured it into my fingers, picking up the tempo as I began to play 'Green day's, Time of your life'. It was the song I always used to warm up to, it was easy and one of the first songs I learnt to play on the guitar because of its basic tune.
I let my emotions take hold of me as I played, the soft tune filling up the silent space of my room, wrapping around me like a warm blanket. This was me and it was starting to all come back.
I played the entire song, enjoying the way my fingers danced over the strings like I had never stopped playing. Satisfied, I started another tune right on its tail, 'The Killer's, Mr. Brightside' which picked up the tempo from the previous one, allowing me to completely throw myself into it. I started singing the words softly as I went, allowing my voice to warm up.
I finished off and sat almost dumbfounded with myself at how easy it had been to get back into it. It had been two years since I played any sort of instrument or even looked at a music sheet. I wished Bella was here to have witnessed it, she'd be so happy for me and I would have loved nothing more than to show her this side of me.
A song that I had heard a few days earlier that reminded me of Bella and I, popped into my head. It wasn't really a song suitable for guitar but more for a piano but I decided to attempt it. It wouldn't be easy but I was determined to at least try. I carefully lifted Daisy off my lap and placed her gently on the bed beside me. I raised myself from the bed and walked over to my desk where my iPod sat. Picking it up, I scrolled through my songs till I found it and made my way over to my stereo where I plugged it into the dock, setting the song to play on repeat softly.
I grabbed my old composition book from the bottom draw of my desk, where it was stuffed beneath a lot of other shit, out of sight. Opening it up to a fresh page and grabbing a pen I sat myself back down on the bed, placed the open book on the bed beside me and cradled Daisy back in my lap. I listened to the song, studied it, jotted down notes and chords and practiced and practiced.
That's how I spent the rest of my evening. I immersed myself into my music with thoughts of Bella and I. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so free.
I want to write an outtake for Through His Eyes and my beta and I figured the best way to do that was to ask you all what you'd like to read about? Any suggestions as to what type of outtake you'd like to see would be great and much help to me! I'll mention the top 3 suggestions next chapter for everyone to pick from.
Follow me on twitter (link of my profile page) if you're up for a silly time or just some chapter teasers... either way, i'd love to have you.
I'm one of the judges for the Long Distance Lovin' Contest. We're after one shots, canon/non canon pairings, where your two lovers must do the deed via some mode of technology... skyping, phone sexing, sexting... any mode just as long as there is no hands-on action going on unless its the solo kind, if you know what I mean.
Submissions started 1 June so you still have lots of time... get a move on!
Further information can be found here... www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/~longdistancelovincontest
Look forward to hearing from you!