Chapter 26: Can You Help Me Unbend? I'm So Scared That I'll Never Get Put Back Together
Rick pulled his hand back, his fingers leaving Daryl's skin abruptly, causing him to frown; he figured Rick would be upset by his questions. Rick averted his eyes, bringing them down to stare at the half-eaten chicken and pasta on his plate, and suddenly felt his stomach drop down to the soles of his shoes; his appetite disappeared, and part of him felt like throwing up.
That morning everything had seemed so promising, and Rick had come home with a light heart and love coursing through his veins. He had been so sure of himself, so sure of his future, and now it seemed that everything was crumbling through his fingers like dust.
But Daryl's question made Rick really sit up and take stock of himself. Did he want children? He thought so, but maybe that stupid dream had just planted itself into his head and was screwing with his normal thought pattern. He'd never really thought about kids before, certainly never thought about having them with Lori. They'd taken every possible precaution just to make sure that they wouldn't have children. But along comes Daryl and now suddenly Rick wants to settle down and raise a family?
So say they didn't adopt a child. Rick would still have Daryl, and that was enough for him. If Daryl didn't want kids, then that wouldn't bother Rick too much, because at least Daryl would still want him. But as Rick thought that he felt a certain sort of empty ache squeeze into his chest and wrap itself around his heart. Yes, Rick could be satisfied with just Daryl for the rest of his life, but at the end of it all he'd regret that he never got to be a father, got to pass on his own type of legacy to a new generation, and he'd regret more than anything that he'd never gotten to see Daryl do the same.
It only took Rick a few minutes to figure all that out, but to Daryl it felt like an eternity, and with every passing second he felt more worried about their relationship. They'd been so strong, especially recently, but maybe now he really had blown it. It was just like him to fuck up the only good thing in his life. He should have kept his mouth shut about the kid situation, let Rick have his fun. If Rick wanted kids then what did it matter? Daryl could probably follow Rick's lead, stay more in the background of the child's life and try not to fuck the kid up too badly. But, God, was he afraid to be a father.
When Rick finally did speak, it took Daryl by surprise considering how wrapped up he was in his own thoughts.
"Daryl, I've never been more sure about anything in my life, aside from my love for you. When I was with Lori I never wanted to be a father. We did everything we could to make sure she didn't get pregnant, and we were happy that way. Hell, if I'd stayed with her I think I would have been content never to be a father at all. But things are different with you, Daryl, and that's not just because you're not a woman. You might be a little rough around the edges, but you're raw and you're real and you're not afraid of life. I admire that in you, how you're willing to just live and breathe and be. And I think that you're the only person I could ever see myself raising a child with; you're the only person I picture beside me when I think about my future, the only person I want there, and I want us to be like a real couple. Who cares that we're both men? Who cares what society thinks, or what your brother thoughts, or any of that? We love each other, and we're both mature, capable, responsible adults. I believe that we'd do a damn good job raising a kid, and if I'm being honest I'd really like to see you cradling a baby in your arms, smiling proudly as it coos up at you with wide eyes." Rick smirked, finally making eye contact with Daryl once more, and Daryl couldn't help the small smile that spread across his own face.
Everything Rick had said made perfect sense, but Rick was wrong about one thing: Daryl was afraid. Maybe not of life or his brother or anything like that. But he was afraid that he wouldn't be a good father to this kid that Rick wanted so much. He was afraid that every day he'd make some new mistake in the poor thing's life and it would grow up to hate him, just like everyone else but Rick seemed to hate him.
"I'm just scared, Rick." Daryl mumbled, the words falling from his lips without his permission.
"What are you scared of, Daryl?" Rick asked, laying his hand over the redneck's again.
Daryl bit at his lip, his eyes darting nervously between his plate and Rick's gentle fingers on his skin. He had no idea what to say now, no clue how to truly reveal his fears to his partner. But a relationship is built on trust, and so he had to be the one to take the leap and show Rick that he trusted him completely, without a doubt.
"I'm scared that if we have a kid I'll turn into my own father. I'm scared that I'll get mad about one thing or another and… and hurt the kid. Maybe without even really meaning to. Because that kind of thing… well, it's in the genetics, too, ain't it? And it's not just that; I'm scared that I just won't be a good dad in general. I'm scared I'll fuck the kid up, that it'll hate me when it grows up. I don't know the first thing 'bout raisin' a child, Rick." Daryl lifted his eyes to Rick's, the blue orbs having taken on a watery sheen.
"Daryl," Rick began, having to clench his jaw against the onslaught of tears that threatened to spill over at how full of despair Daryl had become. It was so hard to see the man he loved look that way, especially when Rick didn't know how to fix the problem and make Daryl feel less sad.
So he just took a breath and asked the first logical question that came to mind. "Daryl, what did your father do to you?"
Daryl's bottom lip quivered for a fraction of a second, and then he dipped his head down, breaking contact with Rick, at the same time as he pushed his chair back. Rick was afraid Daryl was going to leave, either to the bedroom to compose himself or right out the front door, but then Daryl slowly came around to his side of the table and stopped.
Rick stared up at Daryl, unsure of how to proceed, waiting for Daryl to say or do something.
"There's… somethin' I oughta show you. Doubt if you've seen any of my scars before; I've been pretty careful in coverin' 'em up." Daryl's words were hushed, his tone quiet and somber.
And then he quickly pulled off his shirt and, before he could chicken out and flee, turned so that his back was facing Rick. He clenched his jaw, knowing that now that Rick could see just how damaged the goods were he wouldn't want them anymore, knowing that this was probably the biggest mistake he'd ever made in his life. But this was the only way to show Rick his fears, and his past, and try to make him understand why he was the way he was.
Rick could do nothing but stare wordlessly for several minutes, his eyes tracing and re-tracing the myriad of scars on Daryl's back. There were so many marks Rick couldn't even count them all, not that he really wanted to anyway. And suddenly he realized exactly what Daryl's childhood had been like, and he understood every apprehension the man still held in his heart, every doubt about himself that he continued to carry like a burden on his shoulders.
Rick reached up, trailing his fingers over the most prominent of the scars, the long ones forming awkward 'X's and cross shapes that ran across his upper back, between the shoulder blades, and along his left side. He even touched at the tattoo on Daryl's upper right side, Daryl's own addition to the permanent scars already there on his back.
Rick didn't have the words to say to convey his second-hand sorrow for the man before him. He didn't have the words, period. There was nothing he could say, because all logical strings of thought had left his mind just as the breath had left his lungs. To think that someone could do this to their own child, their sweet young boy with a heart of gold, was simply sickening, and Rick knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was not the type of person that Daryl was. Rick knew that Daryl would never do this to his own child, because Daryl was too good, too kind-hearted, too aware of the damages that would be done if he did.
Rick continued to trace Daryl's scars for a moment, and then brought his other hand up to Daryl's side. He kept both hands on Daryl's back as he stood, trailing them over the other man's skin, and then gently wrapped his arms around Daryl's shoulders. Daryl damn near collapsed against Rick, needing the loving embrace more than he was willing to say, and Rick caught him more than willingly, tightening his arms across the man's chest and keeping him upright.
Daryl's body shook, his silent sobs wracking through him, and Rick took every vibration into himself. He kissed at Daryl's neck, shoulders, cheeks, hair, and any other inch of exposed skin his lips could reach. He breathed "shhh" against Daryl's ears, whispering to him sweet somethings of "it'll be alright", "I'm here", and "I love you."
"I just couldn't handle bein' like him." Daryl choked out between hitched breaths, hanging his head low. "An' if that means I can't ever have kids, then I don't mind. I just couldn't take it if I did this to someone else, Rick. I'd rather kill myself than do this t'someone else."
"Hey now, don't talk like that." Rick admonished softly, pecking another gentle kiss to Daryl's temple. "You are not your father. You never have been and you never will be. And I believe with everything inside of me that you'd be an incredible father, the best father any child ever had. You won't turn out like him, because you have too much goodness and morality in you to do so. And I wouldn't let you become him, because I care too much for you to let you become something you hate.
"But you have to believe that, too. You have to trust me, and trust yourself. I want to have a child, Daryl, and I want to have that child with you, and if you don't want a child because you're worried you'll be like you're father then you just have to trust me when I tell you that that will never happen.
"And if after everything, all this talking and opening up, you still don't want a child, for any reason whatsoever, then I'm totally fine with that. As long as I still have you beside me then I don't need to have a child. I just wanted you to know that I love you and trust you so completely that I'd only want to have a family with you." Rick unwound one arm and brought it upwards, carding his fingers slowly through Daryl's hair.
Daryl sighed, all the tension and sorrow seeming to leave his body with that one exhale, and slumped even further into Rick's embrace. He was spent from the crying, from the show and tell of his scars, and from worrying about Rick's reaction to all of it. He was more than thankful for Rick, more than in love with the man whose arms were still wrapped around him. And as he searched his soul for the answers to Rick's unspoken questions, he realized that he really did trust Rick, and he really did believe in himself.
"I think… I think I really do wanna have a kid, Rick. You put so much faith in me, that it makes me sorta see myself in a better light. An' I think that you're the only person I'd wanna take that leap with, too, because damn if I don't love ya with everything inside of me and then some." Daryl closed his eyes and leaned his head back, resting the back of his neck on Rick's right shoulder.
And then Rick's lips were moving against his own, as supple and smooth as satin, as sweet as sugar and as giving as Santa Claus at Christmastime. That kiss wasn't filled with hunger or passion as their others had been, but was instead overflowing with pure love for Daryl, and Daryl drank it all in with something akin to gratitude.
Rick pulled back just a centimeter, his lips still brushing against Daryl's as he spoke. "Are you absolutely sure, Daryl? You don't need to decide now. If you need more time I'm more than willing to give it to you. I just want you to be comfortable and happy in this relationship, just as I am."
Daryl pressed his lips against Rick's for a fraction of a second before he responded. "I'm sure, Rick."