8.49 AM

Everything has a consequence. Even a kiss. And with me especially a kiss.

Tormenting dreams followed me last night, ones that were never ending as they filled my head and wouldn't let me be. But they weren't totally unexpected. I knew what I was getting into when I returned Scott's kiss. Too bad there is no way to prepare though...

Scott didn't tell me the entire truth behind his dreams of Jean.

About how they were kissing passionately as the surrounding cliff area where they were located was filled with some sort of electric energy that was radiating off of her... Or how she seemed to glow as if she was a godly being.

I couldn't get away from it. The dream kept repeating itself over and over, each time going a little further as I watched Jean and Scott, unable to move or turn away.

Throughout them all Jean wouldn't stop calling his name, it was in the wind, in the air, in my head.

Scott. Scott. Scott!

Over and over. Even when I woke up, got out of bed, paced for a while. Finally going back to sleep. The dreams continued right where they left off.

Scott find me. Scott I need you. Scott!

Her voice ringing loud and clear as it called out to him.

Until the nightmare repeated itself one last time... Or at least what I hope will be the last time. Dreams like this make me wish I didn't have to sleep.

It was different thought, very different. This time at the end when the two finally parted, Jean got brighter, her body becoming inflamed by red energy that totally engulfed her.

She took a deep breath, looked at Scott impassively, who seemed frozen in place, and then let it all loose in waves as the strange radiation rolled off her body. Destroying everything around her. Including Scott who seemed to just disintegrate and disappear.

And then Jean turned and focused right on me. I noticed then, that this time I was actually there, instead of just a spectator at some sort of twisted movie. I was actually standing there.. with Jean.

She didn't say a word as my throat suddenly felt like it was being crushed. I knew somehow she was doing that.

My dream counterpart fell to the ground, rocks and other jagged things cutting into my skin. I looked up at her from where she was now standing over me.

"He'll never truly be yours." She told me apathetically, not sounding like the Jean I knew, as she tightened her telekinetic grip on my throat.

And then I died.

I know I did. When I woke up afterwards, I had to shake myself out of that feeling, out of the blackness that had followed me back into reality, back into my life.

And I was alive. Although I was somewhat shocked to realize that I was indeed still living. Still breathing.

And what was that all about? Is that my subconscious adding to the dream? Because I don't think that last part came from Scott.

All he ever saw in them was his love, all he felt was her lips, all he cared about was that she was alive. That they were together.

Scott still loves Jean.

But why shouldn't he?

She was his first. First love, first intimate relationship.

Maybe he hasn't truly let her go. Maybe he can't. Maybe he never will.

And the selfish part of me wants to know where I fit in Scott's life. Do I fit in his life?

Finally being kissed by someone, feeling skin against skin. I have been suppressed and held back so long in that department, so wary and unsure. So distraught.

Maybe I should have taken the cure. Even if I wouldn't have lived more than five years.

Although I still can, I know McCoy has samples of it down in the med lab, they always are in plain site, as he is always testing and working on them. I know how to fill a needle, where to insert it.

It would be so easy.

No more fears associated with my skin. No more doubts about whether or not I will truly ever be able to love, or be loved...

But Rogue would be lost. Dead. No more. An X-woman no longer.

My uniqueness would be gone, my powers extinguished. My supposed gift taken away.

And what would that make me? A pathetic little girl who is only thinking about herself and what she lacks.

Touch.

But sometimes one has to be selfish.

I think a day in not far off where I am bound to snap. When that happens a part of me might not survive.

But which part?

Marie or Rogue?

Finally something good happens to me, but I am actually starting to regret it. No matter how wonderful it had been, how good it felt.

OK, Who am I kidding?

It was worth it. Even if it just reinforces why I shouldn't touch. Why we shouldn't have kissed.

My life sucks. Literally and figuratively.

I hate my skin.

And I hate Scott!

For he made me care. More than I wanted to.