Behind Blue Eyes
"You know...I think I have more." Betty said, a surprised yet melancholic tone in her voice.
"More what?" Amanda answered, distractedly; precariously balancing the coffees as she and Betty navigated the hallways of the hospital. She truly didn't know why they had even gone for coffee. Coffee was what you drank as you paced the halls, waiting for news of your loved ones; coffee was the staple used in these situations; what people stereotypically downed in gallons as they tried to stave off the fear that was ever present inside the walls of a hospital. Even people who didn't drink coffee, as soon as you were in a hospital, you drank it. Going for coffee was often the only helpful thing people could think of to do.
It was the only thing to do.
But there would be no pacing of hallways; no news to be heard. The small gesture she and Betty held in their hands would bring no comfort; Wilhelmina was dead.
"More what!" Amanda repeated sharply, begging Betty to continue to stop the dark thoughts consuming her.
"Good memories of Wilhelmina, actually it's surprising how many I can think of." Betty finished weakly.
"Like what?" Amanda prompted her, grateful for the distraction, she needed to keep talking.
Betty shrugged. "I dunno, it's more...how she changed I guess. Small things, how she became somewhat softer when she was with Daniel. Or maybe it's just seeing how happy she made Daniel, I mean they were-" She looked at Amanda. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking."
Amanda smiled. "No, go on, I'm past the stage of realising she made him happier than I ever could. I just...I hate myself for taking him away during what would have been their last months together." She left her further thoughts unvoiced, that if she hadn't tried so vehemently to get Daniel by her side, then Wilhelmina would have been home with Daniel tonight.
She would still be alive.
Betty sensed Amanda's discomfort and cleared her throat, drawing the girl's attention back to her. "Anyway, little things, you know? Like when she asked me to be a witness at the wedding, the first one I mean. I know Daniel would have asked me anyway, but she did it first, she knew what it would mean to him."
"Or how about the time she stood up to Marc's Mom when she was in town? Remember? Marc thought she was trying to finally accept him and it turned out she wanted to get back some stupid family heirloom from her 'disappointment'. Willie sent that two-bit old hag away faster than parachute pants." Amanda smiled at the memory of the witchy Mrs Weiner being verbally torn to shreds as Wilhelmina pointed out how lucky she was to have a child like Marc. "Marc was so...god Betty he's not gonna get over this." She finished on a whisper.
Betty swallowed and continued, not allowing her friend to wallow in the guilt she knew she was feeling. "Or remember when Ms Meade had to throw her that dumb party and you, Wilhelmina and Marc-"
Amanda stopped abruptly, cutting Betty off, and the drinks in her hand fell to the ground, she didn't even register the hot liquid burn her ankles as it splashed back on her. "Or how about the time we thought she was dead, but she was really in that room hugging Daniel."
Betty's head whipped upward and followed Amanda's stare. "What!" Her mouth fell open as she looked in the open door at the end of the hallway and could clearly make out Wilhelmina clutching Daniel's head to her. Even from this distance, she could make out the wetness in Wilhelmina's eyes and Daniel's body was shaking with obvious sobs. "Oh my God!"
The two girls hurried forward, Amanda lagging slightly, unsure of how Wilhelmina would react to her presence. Betty slowed as she drew closer, something about the scene told her it wasn't the touching reunion she first took it to be.
They stopped at the door and Wilhelmina looked up at them, she took in the sight of Amanda; under other circumstances she would have commented on the girl being there to swoop in on Daniel the minute she believed she was out of the picture once and for all. The news she had just received however, made it impossible; she merely stared at them both.
Betty felt Wilhelmina's silence spoke volumes and knew instantly that something was very wrong. "We...we thought...Daniel?"
Daniel slowly lifted his head from where it had rested, face down, on Willie's shoulder and looked around at the visitors. His eyes where bloodshot, the skin around them and on his nose was red raw.
"What?" Betty's voice was full of trepidation, knowing that the next thing she heard would not be good.
Daniel's mouth opened and he tried to speak, he really tried to make the sound come out; it refused. He shook his head as fresh tears spilled over and Willie pulled his head back to her. She looked over the top of his head at the two young women and bit her lip, swallowing, forcing herself to be the strong one and say what Daniel could not.
"Claire."
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
"I should get some stuff from the house, make her more comfortable. I'm guessing you'll take care of the dog?"
Sawyer nodded. "Yeah, yeah, he'll be fine 'til the mornin' though." He gazed down the hallway, towards where Wilhelmina's room was, although they were in the cafeteria and couldn't even see it.
Marc waved a hand in front of the man's weary face, breaking his trance. "Sawyer, there's nothing you can do here. The doctor said she just needs rest, she'll be fine. Go back to the apartment and get some sleep."
The older man shook his head. "No, I'm stayin' right here, at least while he's still here."
Marc groaned in annoyance. "For god's sake, she's just escaped a fire and had surgery and he's lost his mother...I hardly think either of them are in any state for you to worry about finding them going at it!" He snapped at the man's childishness.
Sawyer had the good grace to look ashamed. "You're right." He sat down in one of the plastic chairs and ran a hand through his hair, leaning against the table. "I just, I just don't wanna leave her here. I shoulda been with her ya know? I, we, shouldn't have put her in that position. We put her in here."
Marc sat opposite him. "Stop this. You want to be strong for her then stop blaming yourself. She's gonna be in a bad place Sawyer." He took a pause, thinking of how to best describe what he needed to say. "You don't know what she and Claire were like to begin with, but I think the word catastrophic is an understatement. They were vile to each other, hated each other with a vengeance you would not believe. But when they were forced to be good...Sawyer...they were better friends than anyone would have ever guessed. The only thing more surprising than Wilhelmina Slater ending up married to Daniel Meade is the friend she found in Claire. Neither of them would ever go as far to admit it, but they cared for each other a lot, they found an affinity with the other. They discovered it too late and now it's gone."
The two men stared down at their own hands on the table, both feeling they should be in with Wilhelmina right now, and both knowing that the only one she wanted in that moment was already with her.
So lost in their own thoughts, were the depressed twosome, that neither noticed the footsteps approaching, they only reacted when the chairs next to them were pulled out and Betty and Amanda slipped into them.
Amanda sat next to Sawyer and the two gave tight smiles to each other, although there was nothing happy about this meeting. Marc watched his friend and saw the tears shining; this loss was affecting them all.
A part of their family was gone. A piece of them had died.
Marc shifted his attention to the girl sat beside him and sighed in sympathy, annoyed at himself for not noticing her state sooner. He wrapped an arm around Betty's shoulders and pulled her to him, her head rested on his chest and Marc sat his chin on top of her head, feeling her body shaking under it as she unleashed the tears she had been unwilling to shed in front of Daniel.
Amanda's hands stretched across the table and took one each of Marc's and Betty's and squeezed. Sawyer looked around the friends, at this little group he had unwittingly integrated himself into. Marc, he knew and liked the man, but knew his allegiance lay with Wilhelmina and Wilhelmina alone, he couldn't really count him as a friend. Betty, he had only met on a handful of occasions, he thought she was nice enough but she was definitely more a fixture in Daniel's life than Wilhelmina's; and Amanda, he had only ever had cause to think of her as the other woman, that's all she ever was in his girlfriend's eyes. In his, she was the person who made it possible for him to be with the woman he could no longer deny he loved, he couldn't bring himself to hate the girl when she had given him that.
He stood up, the loud scraping of his chair echoed in the small room and he found three sets of wet eyes staring up at him. He felt out of place, he didn't belong with them in this moment. He nodded at them and excused himself, leaving them alone with their grief.
With hands stuffed in his pockets, he shuffled back down to Wilhelmina's room. He needed to see her, hold her and tell her how sorry he was. Sorry he was an ass, sorry she got hurt...sorry for her loss. He stopped a few feet away from her room when he saw her coming out of it, holding Daniel's hand tightly. His eyes locked on her, he had never seen her anything but her highly polished self, never wrapped in a hospital issue white robe like now, her face was bare and her hair scraped off her face in a low ponytail. If he looked hard enough he could still see the black edges around her nostrils, not washed off completely, where the soot had stained her skin. Seeing her like that shook him to his core, not only in that realising that as strong as she made herself, she was as fallible as anyone else, but that even in her current state, all she cared about was keeping Daniel together.
Wilhelmina saw his eyes darken as he took in the joined hands and saw his mouth open to protest. She shook her head curtly, admonishing him before he could say anything. He clamped it shut and nodded, taking a deep breath. There was nothing romantic or sexual in the gesture between the former spouses. He was leaning on her for support and she was trying to keep him grounded. When Sawyer's eyes caught Daniel's he could see the other man's focus was out and his expression was glazed; there was a good chance he didn't even know whose hand he was holding, or even if he was upright.
As the two parties passed each other Willie stopped and had to steady Daniel with her free hand to stop him from walking on, he was on autopilot. "We have to phone Alexis." She told Sawyer quietly, her voice still low and raspy from the smoke she had inhaled.
"Shouldn't you be in bed, you just had surgery, I don't want you to-"
"We need to phone Alexis." She said with slightly more force, cutting him off.
He nodded and took a step back. He watched them walk slowly down to the family room, his eyes drawn to their hands; clutching each other so tight he could see the whites of Daniel's knuckles from here. In the whole time he watched them, in the long minutes it took them to make their way down the corridor, she didn't look back once.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
Three days later, the wounds hadn't even begun to heal, everything was still far too real and fresh in their minds. Sawyer and Marc had busied themselves, flitting between the hospital and Wilhelmina's apartment; neither mentioned anything about the fact that whenever they arrived at the hospital, Daniel seemed to be there. Not always with Wilhelmina, but certainly in the vicinity.
Amanda had been trying to contact Fey, but to no avail, it seemed the woman had made herself disappear again. She instead spent her time, unbeknownst to Wilhelmina, helping Marc struggle through the work he brought home from Mode, that he had sparse time to do.
Betty had been trying to get Daniel to go home, to sleep, to do anything but sit in the cold impersonal hospital hallways. A couple of times, she succeeded, he came to her father's house and napped on the couch for a couple of hours, or allowed her to take him back to the hotel he was still paying for where he would be force fed and made to take care of himself by his concerned friend. These sojourns never lasted long though, he was straight back to the hospital once he had slept, eaten or washed.
He refused to go stay at his mother's empty house.
The doctors said Wilhelmina was healing well, outwardly at least, inwardly she was still battling the fear she still couldn't shake even though she was now clear of the fire. If she had been scared of fire before, now she was downright paralysed by it. The past three nights she had awoken soaked in her own sweat, gasping for air, from nightmares she couldn't remember, that she blocked out but knew only too well that they were the same as when she was a teen.
Every time she awoke, Daniel was there.
The doctors had told them she could be released today, Wilhelmina had mixed feelings about it. She hated hospitals, hated being cooped up and told what to do; but when she was stuck in this little room she could pretend that everything outside didn't exist. When she was on the outside she would have to face facts; her building had burned, she didn't know yet how much damage was done to her beloved magazine.
And Claire was dead.
She still hadn't accepted this reality, every time she heard the clack of heels outside her door, she would squeeze her eyes shut, convinced when she opened them, Claire would be at the doorway with some sardonic comment about her.
"Still flat on your back? Why am I not surprised?"
She could hear the inflection of her friend's voice and could see the little smirk she would always wear when she was particularly proud of one of her zingers.
"Are you ready?"
The voice from the doorway startled her. She looked up as Marc entered the room and hurriedly tried to hide the paperwork on her lap. She wasn't fast enough and Marc snatched up a sheet from the bed. "What's this?"
"That's none of your business, now give it here."
Too late, his interest already piqued, Marc read the document and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Willie...you told Daniel that Alexis was dealing with all this."
She sighed and nodded, annoyed at Marc for sticking his nose in. "Yes and I told Alexis that Daniel was dealing with it, now give it back. The funeral's tomorrow and I still have to confirm Saul is sending the flowers to the right place and double check how many cars are coming. Not to mention the caterers for the wake have been unreachable all morning and...what?" She said, taken aback by the way Marc was looking at her.
Marc leaned over and, in a move showing how much their relationship had evolved, pressed his lips to her forehead. "You're doing a wonderful thing for Daniel."
"It's for Claire." She corrected him, if her friend had to go, she would make sure she did it with as much style and class as possible,
Marc smiled. "It's for both of them."
"Have Alexis and DJ arrived yet?" She asked him, changing the subject.
"Nope, they should be landing soon."
Wilhelmina nodded, she was somewhat annoyed that Alexis hadn't dropped everything to come over here and support her brother after their mother had passed, but she had to ensure Mode France was covered and DJ had been visiting Switzerland with his school. He only arrived back in Paris yesterday morning.
"Listen Daniel and Sawyer are outside, they're playing nice for the time being. I think they just wanna get you home safe. So...are you ready?" Marc asked her again.
Wilhelmina looked around and stared out the window, out where everyone else was living their lives. She would have to bury her friend tomorrow, and then both the men waiting for her would soon want an answer. "No...I don't think I am."
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
It was a testament to Sawyer's restraint when he opened the apartment door and held it open for Daniel to enter in front of him. Daniel stood back and let Marc and Wilhelmina walk inside, the second the first loud click of her heel hit the tile, barking filled the air and a yellow tornado flew out the lounge door and down the hallway, tripping over its own overexcited legs and tumbling into Wilhelmina.
"Hey you!" She greeted him, thankful for his presence distracting her from the scrutiny of the others. She picked him up, his madly wagging tail beating her arms. "God, I've been gone three days and you weigh a ton, what've they been feeding you huh?"
The dog squirmed in her arms, tongue lolling out and trying to get close enough to lick her. "No, this make up took long enough to apply with only one good hand." The dog looked at her bandaged hand, as if he understood. The burn from touching the banister was healing but it would scar.
"Let's see what mommy got you, Marc where's that bag I asked you to pick up?"
"That was for the DOG?" Marc exclaimed, wide eyed and held the bag open.
Wilhelmina put the pup down and reached inside the bag, she pulled out the Prada belt and threw it on the floor. Hudson pounced on it, clamped it between his teeth and scurried down the hall and out of sight.
"You know, I have no idea where he takes those things, I expect I'll find a hidden den full of half eaten couture one day." She said, staring after him, still eager to avoid looking at Daniel and Sawyer, not wishing to talk about the fire, Claire, the funeral, or anything to do with their ever more tangled situation.
Thankfully, she was saved from any confrontation by a small voice from behind her. "Aunt Wils?"
All four turned to see the teenager standing at the open doorway. The bravado he had been wearing the last time he was in town, of someone too old to feel like a boy and too young to feel like a man, was long gone. He looked like the little boy she, Marc and Daniel had seen walk into Mode all those years ago, looking for his father; before finding another mother.
"DJ." Daniel acknowledged him first and pulled him into a stiff hug, his strong arm patting him on the back roughly.
DJ broke the hug quickly and in two strides walked into Wilhelmina's outstretched arms. The tears he had tried to hold onto when he embraced his uncle, wanting to keep up the facade of being the strong one, spilled instantly when she hugged him to her.
Willie cupped his head at either side and lifted his head, dipping her head to try and meet his eyes as he stared at the floor, hastily wiping his face on the sleeve of his jacket to hide his tears from the others. Willie wiped at the wetness under his eyes with her thumbs. "Hey kid...you'll be okay."
He nodded and returned his head to her shoulder and her arms circled him again, holding his shoulders and head. She closed her eyes and let her head fall next to his, consumed by the affection she felt for the young man who she had watched grow up these past four years.
The three men watched the scene play out in front of them. Marc; touched by the obvious bond Wilhelmina shared with her one time nephew. Daniel; in pain that he couldn't offer the boy who was as good as his own son, the same comfort he seemed to get from his ex-wife. Sawyer; realising yet again, how far removed he really was from her life. They all watched with such intensity that it wasn't until another body slipped in beside theirs that they even noticed DJ had not arrived alone.
"Daniel?"
Daniel instantly turned into the waiting arms of his sister, the two buried their heads in the crook of each other's necks. "Marc, Sawyer..." Willie whispered, when they looked at her, she nodded her head towards DJ and then towards the lounge.
Marc nodded. "Hey DJ, why don't you come with me...lemme introduce Hudson. I'm sure there's something expensive enough that you're wearing that he'll want to eat."
Wilhelmina watched them all until the turned the corner into her lounge. Walking behind the embracing siblings, she closed the door and moved Alexis and DJ's bags to the side. The movement made Alexis look up and she caught Willie's eye. After checking her brother was ok, she released her hold on him and turned to Wilhelmina.
"Alexis, I'm so so-"
Before Wilhelmina could finish the sentence, Alexis had wrapped her arms around her and pulled her in for a hug. Startled, it took Wilhelmina a couple of seconds to relax and return the embrace. True, she and Alexis had a friendship now, but the contact still shocked her. When she felt the acceptance and the sorrow pouring off Alexis, she couldn't stop her own eyes from burning and when she pulled back, she couldn't hide the trail of tears streaking down her cheeks.
"How are you?" Alexis asked.
"Never mind me." Wilhelmina replied. "I'm fine...it's you and Daniel everyone should be worried about."
Alexis linked arms with Wilhelmina and they walked slowly into the kitchen, Daniel following. "I'm...I don't know how I am." She sighed and looked at Daniel. "I'm sorry I haven't been more help with the arrangements...I just couldn't."
"What are you talking about?" Daniel asked, speaking to her for the first time.
Alexis straightened. "Tomorrow...the funeral...Wilhelmina told me you-"
"But Willie said you-"
They both stopped and looked at her, her eyes flickered between the two. "Look, it's all in hand, I've dealt with it."
"But you were in hospital, you should have been recovering." Daniel told her, touched beyond the telling of it.
"I've dealt with it." She repeated.
Alexis gave her a watery smile, Daniel closed the small distance between them and pulled her into his arms. "I'm so glad you're okay. You scared the hell outta me." He whispered in her ear and then pressed his lips against her temple, letting them linger there. He pulled his head back, but kept her in his arms; Wilhelmina didn't try to push him away, on the contrary, her hands were gripping the material of his jacket.
Alexis looked between them and for the first time since she heard the news of her mother, a smile began to form. "Are you two...?"
Daniel and Wilhelmina looked at her and Willie instantly stepped out of his hold and averted her eyes from him. She shook her head, smiling sadly.
"Good going Alexis, in the door two minutes and you've already stuck your big man feet in your mouth." She said to herself. "Look, Willie should be resting, and we should get back and get rested for tomorrow...it's gonna be a hard day." She finished on a whisper.
"Back?" Daniel asked.
"To Mom's."
Daniel shook his head. "I can't go back there."
"I know you didn't want to stay there when it was empty, but me and DJ are here now."
The stillness of the room was shattered, when Daniel's hand slammed on the worktop, making them jump. "It's not about who's there Alexis! It's about who's not there. Mom is everywhere in that house, yet she's nowhere! I can't go back there, I won't go back to a house full of ghosts."
"But Daniel...you can't keep staying at a hotel, you need people around you."
"NO! I am not going to that house."
"Daniel."
"NO!"
"He can stay here." The words had left Wilhelmina's mouth before she could stop them. Seeing Daniel in that state tore her up and she was offering the only thing she could think of to calm him.
Alexis laughed. "You're not serious."
"Of course I am...why wouldn't I be."
Looking around, wide-eyed, as if expecting an explanation to jump out at her, Alexis went on, "Uhm, because you two are divorced, because last time I saw you two you didn't want him even breathing the same air as you, because, unless I'm very much mistaken, if you two aren't together then that walking dream you left Marc and my son with must be the infamous Sawyer."
"Sawyer will understand, and to be honest, tough if he doesn't and just because I'm no longer married to your brother doesn't mean I don't care about him. It's clear he won't be comfortable in that house and I'll be damned if I'm just gonna let him stay in some hotel when he's just lost his mother."
Alexis and Wilhelmina kept their eyes locked across the kitchen, neither backing down. Both knew it was a terrible idea but Wilhelmina was not about to stand back and watch Daniel suffer anymore than he already had, especially not when she could help relieve it. Daniel, for his part, had felt his heart lift with something akin to hope, for the first time in days.
"I would say, don't you think we should ask Daniel what he wants, but I think I already know the answer." Alexis said, folding her arms.
Both women looked to Daniel , who looked between them before walking to stand at Wilhelmina's side, as they all knew he would.
"Fine." Alexis snapped, throwing her hands in the air, exasperated. "I want to go on record as saying this is a bad idea."
"It's just until he finds something more suitable." Wilhelmina reasoned, somewhat dampening but not yet destroying Daniels hopes.
"Sure it is." The other woman snapped back. "I should get DJ home." She made her way out of the kitchen, stopping at the door she put one hand on the doorframe and looked back at her brother. "You said you didn't want to stay in a house full of ghosts...what do you call this?"
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
"Mom..." He had been in bed for hours, but had lain awake, waiting to hear the familiar fall of her footsteps as she walked down the hall to her room.
The door creaked open and the chink of light spread wider across the floor of his dark room, casting the woman standing on the threshold in shadow. "You know Daniel, if you wanted a hug before going to sleep you should have asked for one before you came up here." Her voice was light, he knew she was smiling at him although he couldn't see it.
"That's not why..." The seven year old Daniel protested.
"Oh, ok, well goodnight then." She started closing the door.
The little boy sat up straighter in the bed. "No Mom wait!"
The door opened again and his mother came in the room, his eyes adjusted to the light as she came closer and perched on his bed. He swung his clammy little hands around her and let her hug him tight. Closing his eyes, he breathed in the familiar scent of her perfume and the slightly more acidic smell underneath, of the evening drink she tried to mask. She placed a kiss on top of his head.
"Why don't you come for hugs at bedtime anymore?" She ruffled his hair smiling. "You can't sit up late every night, you'll fall asleep in your breakfast."
Daniel shrugged and leaned his head into his mother. "What did Alex say to you?"
"Only babies need hugs."
He felt the reverberation of her low chuckle. "Well, you'll always be my babies, doesn't matter if you're seven or seventy." Daniel giggled. "And let me tell you something else, Alexander 'I don't need hugs from my Mommy' Meade, still sleeps with his blankie under his pillow."
"He does!" The younger Daniel sat up, smiling widely. "I haven't needed mine since I was this many." He held up five chubby little digits.
Claire laughed. "I know...now that's just between you and me okay?"
The little boy nodded happily as his mother kissed him again. She stood and tucked him in, just as she reached the door, a little voice called out again.
"Mom." He was quieter this time.
"What else did Alex say?" She questioned.
Daniel said nothing, but raised a hand to point at the closet in his room. His mother rolled her eyes, understanding, and walked to the closet. "No we've been over this haven't we?" Daniel nodded. "There are no monsters." He nodded again as she put her hand to the doorknob. She turned it slowly and opened it, peering into the dark recesses of the cupboard.
"BOO!"
Claire screamed and jumped back as her eight year old son flew out the closet at her. Alex ran across the room and jumped on the bed with Daniel, who was now screeching with laughter and clutching his stomach.
Claire turned around, her hand on her heart and breathing heavily and watched as her two sons high fived. "Boys! That is not funny!"
The two boys paid her no heed and continued rolling on the bed, convulsed with laughter, extremely pleased with the prank they had played. Watching her children, she couldn't stay stern when they were so happy and she found herself joining in their amusement. "Right, very goods, you played your little trick on Mommy; now, back to your room, Alex."
Alex pulled one of his little brother's pillows out from under his head and put it at the foot of the bed, slipping under the covers. "Nope, sleepover." He grinned.
"Alex..."
"Mom pleeeease." Daniel whined.
She rolled her eyes. "Fine! But sleep!" She walked over and drew the covers around Alex, kissing him on the head, before going to the other end of the bed and mirroring her actions with Daniel. For the second time, she tried to leave but this time two quiet voices called for her.
"What now? Have you roped the housekeeper into jumping out from under the bed?"
The boys laughed, Alex pointed to the open closet door. "The monsters can't get in if you keep the door closed."
Claire smiled at her sons' innocence and closed the door. "There, no monsters now."
"But what if they come back?" Daniel piped up.
"It doesn't matter if they do, because I'm here and I'll never let anything happen to you."
"But what if you're not here?"
She smiled across the room at the two people who brought her more joy than anything in the world. "I'll always be here."
But she wouldn't, she was gone and she wasn't coming back; Daniel had been playing every childhood memory he could conjure, in his head. It hurt him how few he could remember, also how little they made him cry. He felt it was an insult to his mother's memory, was he all cried out, was three days all the tears his own mother warranted?
He was back where he wanted, he was in his home, Wilhelmina was there and he was there at her invitation. Trouble was, she was in her room with another man and he was only here because he'd lost his mother. The thought of Wilhelmina with Sawyer, didn't trouble him as much as it should have. He didn't have room in his head to visit that particular pain tonight.
Maybe in the morning.
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
The next morning dawned too soon; Wilhelmina hadn't slept, she had lain awake listening to the gentle snores of the two other presences on the bed. Hudson was curled in a tight ball at the base of the bed and Sawyer was curled into her, his arm tight around her, as if afraid she would be gone when he woke.
She carefully peeled his arm from around her and turned the alarm off before the shrill sounds had a chance to pierce the air. She walked to the bathroom, pausing to look at the dress she had hung out the night before, she didn't want to put it on, she didn't want to go to the damn church. It was the last Friday of the month.
She wanted to go to lunch with her friend.
She took the dress into her adjoining bathroom and closed the door. Out of nowhere, she was assaulted by images she hadn't revisited in months, of her and Daniel in this room. Of the violence and hate that had spewed from them that day, it seemed so far removed from where they were now, like a lifetime ago. The pain they had felt then seemed so trivial now, compared to the loss of life.
She ran the faucet and washed her face, her moves were robotic as she completed her morning ritual. Same as every other morning, except today something was very, very different. While everyone else was going to work, visiting with family, living, she would be putting her friend to rest.
She took extra care of her appearance, her make-up was applied with almost surgical precision, each brush stroke to her hair tamed it into sleek perfection. Claire was a woman who deserved nothing more than perfection; no matter had their relationship ended with the two of them in the friendship they had built, or the animosity they once shared, that fact remained true.
She slipped on the long sleeved black dress, which stopped just below her knee, pulled the matching fitted jacket over the top and wove the dark Hermes scarf around her neck. She surveyed her reflection. She looked exactly what she was; a woman going to a funeral. Her eyes began to sting and she looked upwards, stemming the torrent. Again, she could hear her voice as if she were right behind her.
"Cut it out, this day is about me, we don't have all day to wait about while you refill the cracks in your face."
Despite the pain she felt, she smiled. "I'm coming you old broad."
Straightening her outfit, she walked out the room to find Sawyer waiting for her, dressed already in his black suit. He had gelled his unruly hair back in a slick and was fidgeting with his hands. She walked to him and placed the flat of her hands on his chest. "Thank you." She went on tip toe and gave him a light peck to his lips. "About Daniel, for not making a big deal, I know it's abnormal and stupid but-"
"I know."
"Today, it's going to be rough. He's going to need me, I don't want you to thi-"
He grabbed her hand and held it tight, forcing her eyes to his. "Willie, I know." He reiterated.
Wilhelmina ran her free hand down the side of his face and smiled in thanks at his understanding. "I'm gonna just run down the stairs with the little man and let him do his...you know." Sawyer whistled between his teeth and the dog jumped to attention and followed him from the room.
Wilhelmina looked upward, now alone in the room. "I swear Claire, you better not be up there." She looked down. "You better be right down there waiting, 'cos when I get down there I'm gonna kick your worn out ass for leaving like you did."
She opened the door and found herself looking into the tired, yet amused eyes of her ex-husband, also already dressed in the customary black suit. "Talking to her huh? Yeah I did that too...doesn't help like people tell you it does, does it?"
"No it doesn't." She took a step back and he remained on the threshold, digging his hands deep in his pockets and rocking on his toes.
"How did you sleep?" She asked, it seemed the polite thing to do and she had never had more trouble speaking to him than right now. Communication between them had always been easy, even at the height of their argumentative days. Now every word was forced and contrived.
"Didn't. You?"
"Same."
He nodded. "We still need to talk Wilhelmina; about Amanda, Sawyer...us."
"Now's not the time." She sighed, expecting this.
"I think now's exactly the time, if this has shown us anything it's that we never know when we might go."
She couldn't deny his words, but she wanted to. She opened her mouth but was saved from speaking by a knock at the door. As Wilhelmina walked to open it, she turned back to her ex. "I'm not saying we won't talk...just not now."
She opened the door, expecting to see Sawyer, having forgotten his key, or Marc to tell her the cars had arrived. She didn't recognise the man stood on her doorstep.
"I'm sorry, this is a bad time."
"Ms Slater, I'm Fire Marshall Klein; I'm the chief investigator for the incident at Meade publications. May I come in for a moment. I promise I won't take up a lot of your time, I realise this is a difficult situation."
Willie nodded and stood back to let the man in. As he entered, he nodded to Daniel who had appeared behind Wilhelmina.
"Have you found the source of the fire?" Daniel asked him.
"Not as of yet no, it was a large building, there's a lot to go through. I'm here to tell you that the personal items of your mother that we recovered are being held at the Police station...in case a criminal investigation is launched. If they are not required as evidence they will be returned to you."
"Criminal investigation?"
"Evidence?" Daniel and Willie spoke together.
"Are you telling us the fire was deliberate? That someone...someone killed my mom?" Daniel asked, his anger building rapidly.
The Fire Marshall held his hands up in front of him. "No we're not saying that. Not at all, I'm just letting you know that we cannot rule out arson at this time."
"Well...well why are you keeping her things? They're her things, I don't want them sitting in some grubby police locker!" Daniel knew he was being irrational, but he didn't need this right now.
"Mr Meade, please calm down, It's just procedure. Her purse, shoes and jacket were found on the third floor stairwell and-"
"Wait." Daniel stopped the man. "The paramedics said they pulled her out of the eighteenth floor stairs. Why was her stuff way down on the third?"
"Most likely she went back up."
Daniel scoffed. "Yes most people tend to run back into a burning building. Why the hell would she go back?"
"What...what floor was I found on?" Willie asked, her voice quiet as a whisper.
The man looked at her, puzzled. "You were found together."
Wilhelmina subconsciously rubbed her back where she knew she had bruises beneath her clothes, she assumed she had gotten them from falling down the stairs after she blacked out. She hadn't fallen down them; someone had dragged her down.
"Me Daniel...she...she went back in for me."
Daniel wordlessly turned to her, his face a mask of sheer shock. His mother had lost her own life by going to the aid of the woman, who years ago she more than likely would have been happy to see burn. Had she not went back in, then Wilhelmina would certainly be dead, having passed out on the upper floors where the fire raged worst. Wilhelmina would have died.
But his mother wouldn't have.
Their eyes locked, a multitude of emotions washing over them both; guilt, gratitude, humility, pain and something Daniel didn't quite want to admit to himself. Wilhelmina felt her stomach constrict as the implications of the revelation sunk in, and she tore her eyes away from Daniel's, not able to stand his stare on her a moment longer.
A figure appeared in the open doorway, behind the Fire Marshall. Marc could read his friend better than most, almost as well as Daniel, and knew the look on her face meant more bad news. Well that bad news, for the moment, would have to wait.
"Daniel...Willie...the cars are here."
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
The drive to the service would never have been a pleasant one, but the information they had just garnered made it more fraught than either of them foresaw. Wilhelmina wished they had all travelled in one car. She was alone in this one with Daniel while DJ and Alexis travelled in the second one. Betty, Marc and even Sawyer had been invited to ride in the cars but none had felt it appropriate and had made other arrangements.
Neither had the courage to speak to the other anymore, Daniel was staring down at the floor of the car and rhythmically clenching and unclenching the fabric on his suit trousers. Wilhelmina stared out the window. Both resolutely refused to look forward, at the hearse that travelled in front of the car.
Wilhelmina couldn't take it anymore, the silence was drowning her. She needed to know what was going through his head. Did he blame her? She knew she blamed herself, Claire died trying to save her, it was pretty clear cut in her opinion; but she needed to know what Daniel thought, she needed to hear his words of comfort or condemnation.
"Daniel..."
When he looked at her, it was all she could do to keep it together; she had vowed to be the strong one for him today, but the blame she saw in his eyes when he looked at her threatened her composure.
"No." His voice was low and authoritative, but not unkind. "Not now...let's say goodbye to her first."
She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, returning to look outside. The lump in her throat rose again when she felt his hand reach across the seat and clasp her own.
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
Daniel couldn't take in anything the minister was saying; he was sure it was the usual diatribe, trotted out at every funeral. The deceased was painted as a saint, some spiel about sitting at God's right hand, about how she was in a better place. How could that cold box he was staring at be better than the loving embrace of her family?
Before he knew it, the pallbearers were lowering his mother into the ground; a sudden ridiculous notion leapt upon him, he was suddenly the scared little boy he had been and he wanted to throw himself at them, stop them from putting his Mommy in the dark.
He felt ever fibre in his body quake as he watched the coffin descend, how could she be in there? The woman about to be covered in earth and become another faceless plaque in this graveyard had been the lynchpin that held them all together. Him, Alexis, DJ and Wilhelmina, she was the one who kept them all bound when things got rough, she was the rock.
Now she would just be another plaque in this cemetery, scratch that, she didn't even have that. She had been laid to rest next to his father, the only embellishment the plot had was the large marble headstone with the family name emblazoned across it. There would be no lettering above her grave, testifying what a loved wife, mother and friend she was.
Daniel looked down at his side, to where he was gripping Wilhelmina's hand so tightly, he must be cutting off the circulation. Looking at her, he saw she couldn't bring herself to watch her friend be lowered to her final resting place. She had her head dipped and he saw the tears hang from her nose, was she crying for the loss of a friend, a mother-in-law? Or was she crying for her own guilt?
I want you to watch, watch her go in the earth, watch her go where you fucking sent her.
He snatched his hand away, suddenly sickened by the feel of her skin on his.
"And now, to close to the service, Mrs Meade's eldest child Alexis, has a few parting words."
Alexis stood slowly and everyone watched her walk to the small podium set up at the graveside. She unfolded a piece of paper and her hands began to shake. "If I..." She began, but her quavering voice gave up. She brought a hand to mouth and in a flash her son was by her side, leading her back to her seat. DJ thrust the poem into the ministers hand as they passed.
The minister held it out to Daniel and nodded to him, a sympathetic smile playing on his features. Daniel looked once more at the hole in the ground and back to the minister, shaking his head tightly.
DJ leaned over his mother and uncle. "You go."
"Me? No DJ I-"Willie protested.
"Please...you're family."
She looked deep into the boy's pleading eyes and then to Alexis, who nodded her assent. She got no such affirmation from Daniel but he did not protest. Slowly, and to an array of flashing bulbs, much to her disgust, she stood up and walked to the spot Alexis had vacated. The minister handed her the sheet of paper and she stood behind the podium. Looking round she saw many familiar faces from the fashion world, she saw journalists and media whores all eagerly awaiting her speech. She saw Marc and Amanda side by side and for the first time she didn't want to lunge at the girl. She saw Betty being comforted by her family and her gaze came to rest on the last vestiges of the Meades, holding each others hands for support.
She read the poem through, in her head, twice and lifted her head to the congregation. She opened her mouth to speak the words Alexis had written, but stopped and folded up the paper again. "These words..." She began. "Are beautiful, I know Claire would have been touched to hear them...but not from me."
"The relationship I had with Claire Meade can't be summed up by a few words. If you'd like me to try then I suggest you settle yourself in for a good few days of storytelling. I'm sure I don't have to tell you all of how Claire and I once felt with each other, the last time we all gathered here...I ended up the one in the ground." She toyed with the scarf around her neck. "And in fact, I think she once tried to strangle me with this very scarf; but today is not the day to recount all the ways in which we hurt each other, today is the day I remember Claire and pay tribute to the too short a time we spent as friends. I count myself as equally lucky and foolish; lucky that I am one of the few people that can truly count her as a friend and foolish that I realised it too late. She accepted me in to her home, her family and eventually I think we even let each other into our hearts."
She paused and cleared her throat, hating the raw emotion that all could see, but owing it to her friend to continue. "In dying...she gave me the gift of life. She saved me that day. What I only realised a short time ago was; she already saved me, she saved me the day she let me be a Meade."
She walked around the side of the podium and back towards her seat, she stopped at the graveside and looked down at the gleaming mahogany wood on the surface of the coffin. Willie brought her hand up to her neck and felt the silk of the fabric glide through her fingers. She slipped the scarf off and let it fall from her hand, watching as the breeze caught it slightly before it floated down into the grave, landing on the shining plate.
Claire Meade
1948 – 2013
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
For the first time, Wilhelmina realised how truly predatory and despicable people in her business were; she used to pride herself on the fact that these were adjectives she could describe herself with, but when she took a step back, she realised it was by no means just her, the other were more subtle about it, that's all.
The wake had emptied fairly quickly, once the story-hungry journalists realised there would be no scoop, that people were here purely to mourn, they quickly dissipated. The old harpies who had the audacity to call Claire a friend had got their fill from the free bar and canapés and moved on also.
People had been coming up to her throughout the day, thanking her for her words, most of them clearly believing none of it, but she didn't give a damn. What she had said at the grave side was not for them, it was for Claire.
What she had really wanted to say though, was why? She wanted her old sparring partner to get up for one last fight, so she could ask her just why she'd been so fucking stupid. She wanted to rage and scream at Claire for leaving her with this guilt and a debt she could never repay.
Neither Sawyer, nor Daniel came near her at the wake; save for Sawyer briefly greeting her and telling her she did good at the funeral. Sawyer had chosen to be respectful of Claire, and distance himself from her until the gawping spectators were all gone. Daniel wouldn't come near her for an entirely different reason.
It had been a long day, as the last of the so called mourners left the wake, Wilhelmina stared after them and dimly wondered when it had become evening. She felt a hand gently pull on her elbow.
"Let's go for a walk."
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
Daniel walked down the side of the river, kicking the gravel at his feet, saying nothing. Wilhelmina matched his slow, easy stride and maintained a similar silence. They stopped at the railing on a bridge over the water, from the corner of his eye, he saw Wilhelmina shiver. Without speaking to her, he took his jacket off and draped it over her shoulders, she slipped her arms inside the sleeves and pulled it tight around her; trying not to inhale too deeply as his scent surrounded her.
Daniel bent at the waist and picked up a handful of stones. He leaned back and whipped one from his hand, skimming it across the water's edge. He repeated this several times, he didn't speak and Willie didn't push him. He brought his hand back again to throw a stone across the water, when he stopped, looking at the small rock in his hand, he threw it in the air and caught it, his eyes following it as it rose in the air and fell into his hand, as he continued the act.
"Do you know what I felt...when they first told me my Mom was dead?"
"What?" Her voice was barely working after hours of not being used.
"I didn't care." He gave a rueful little chuckle, still staring at the stone. "In fact I daresay for the briefest second...I was even glad."
Wilhelmina didn't respond, she had a feeling he didn't want her to.
"I didn't care about my own mother dying...because it meant you were alive. It was only for a second, but it was there. I keep telling myself that it was better her than you, she was older, she had lived...she had loved. Yeah better my own mother lies in the ground than the woman who has systematically ripped my heart out and stamped on it over the past few months...or years depending on how you look at it. Do you have any idea of the guilt that eats you up when you realise you've wished your own mother dead?"
He skimmed another stone violently across the river. "And then I find out she could have lived, she could have survived had she not went in for you...had you not retreated to your little fucking sanctuary, my mother would have got out of the building. If you had never married me and built a bond with her then maybe she wouldn't have gone back in for you even if you were there."
Willie unfolded her arms and the oversized jacket flapped in the wind. "You want to blame me Daniel...go ahead, blame me, you're right. You want to wish it was me instead of her, then do it, it probably should have been! You want me to say I wish it had been? Fine! I wish she had never stepped foot back in that building, I wish the stupid old woman had stood on the sidewalk taking a lungful of clean air and watched Meade burn."
Daniel whirled round. "NO! No, this isn't how this is supposed to go! You're supposed to turn it back on me. You're supposed to blame ME! If I had never cheated, we woulda been home, if Sawyer and I had never forced you to choose...you would never have ran to Mode! It's MY fault, you think I really want you dead? That I could ever wish that? I'm so sick of telling you I love you that I'm gonna have to think of a new way to say it. If it wasn't for me cheating then you wouldn't have divorced me, If it wasn't for me then you would never have even met that great big fucking Southern ass; if it wasn't for me Amanda would not be this crazy delusional mess, Fey would have stayed dead, Marc wouldn't loathe the very sight of me, Betty wouldn't have had to disrupt her life, you would still want me and...she would still be alive!"
Willie took a step forward. "Daniel you can't think like that. You can't possibly blame every bad thing that happens on that one night, you can't keep carrying around the guilt Daniel, it's killing you."
"What choice do I have? Either I accept my part in this and drive myself crazy...or I..."
"You what, Daniel?"
He sighed. "Or I let myself feel what my body is screaming to feel every time I look at you and I realise she died so you could live, in those moments...in those fleeting irrational moments...I hate you...I blame you...I...I wish it was you."
Willie couldn't feel the chill in the air anymore, not when her veins had turned to ice. She took off the jacket he had given her and draped it over the railing at the side. Walking to face him slowly, she brought her hand up to the side of his face and leaned in, bringing her lips to his softly She moved her mouth to his ear. "Then hate me." She whispered.
She stepped back from him and Daniel could see the top of the scar peeking out from the low neck of her dress. "Willie...wait...I didn't..."
She nodded, biting her lip, blinking and sending a solitary tear down her cheek. "Yes Daniel...you did." She turned and walked away.
Daniel watched her retreat, sure he could see her shoulders shake as she did. He wanted to go after her and tell her he didn't mean it. He wanted to have the conversation they had almost had that morning.
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
"What the hell did you do to her?" The voice hissed low and ominous as he pushed open the apartment door.
The hallway was in darkness, reaching out he turned on the light and saw Sawyer staring at him from the other end of the hall, he had obviously been waiting on him and was mad as hell. Daniel ignored him and walked down the hall. Sawyer instantly blocked his path. "I asked you a question."
"And I'm ignoring you. It's between me and my wife."
"EX-WIFE!"
"Whatever, you wanna know so badly, then go and ask her."
"I would, only she didn't come back. I got a call about twenty minutes ago from your sister, she's with her at your Mom's place. Said she knew you couldn't see her and she didn't want to make you go back to that house...she's still thinking of you, you son of a bitch. Now I'll ask you again, what did you do?" Sawyer was physically shaking.
Daniel smirked at the man. "I'll tell you again, it's between me and my wife." He stalked past him. "If it's any consolation..." He called over his shoulder. "I think I just made her choice for her. You win."
He walked into the lounge and heard the front door slam. He plucked the stopper out of a decanter of scotch and poured himself a measure into one of the crystal goblets someone he couldn't even remember had given them as a wedding gift. He sat down on the couch and patted the dog which had bounded over to join him and curled at his side.
Pressing the button on the remote, he watched the false front of the cabinet roll back and reveal the television behind it. He switched the screen on and froze.
"Due to the tragedy that has recently presented itself, not only in the demise of Claire Meade, but in the personal lives of her son and Mode's Editor-In-Chief, Wilhelmina Slater; I felt it was time to make my presence known."
The flashes from the camera on the screen, reflected in the woman's dark sunglasses as the journalists before her sat in rapt attention; unable to fully take in the fashion scoop of the century. Daniel stood slowly from the couch, an invisible rubber band tightening across his chest.
"There are many reasons for my disappearance all those years ago, none which I care to go into now...but I can assure you my story will, as always, go to the highest bidder. And now, although it is with a heavy heart that I do this, for so much unpleasantness has had to happen before we reached this point, I would like to announce that it is my intention to return to my rightful place at Mode magazine."
A disbelieving murmur swept across the audience watching her.
"How will I do this, you may ask? Well I'm sure once the initial shock has worn off, both Daniel and Wilhelmina will realise what a savvy move it is to have me on board, in charge rather. And that I alone can bring a silver lining to this tragedy." She smirked to the camera. "Like a phoenix rising from the ashes."
Daniel switched the set off and stood rooted to the spot, shaking with rage. He knew, in that instant, that he and Wilhelmina could blame themselves and each other all they wanted; but it was neither of their faults. It was Fey's, she did it all for a comeback, the glass in his hand smashed under his grip.
Fey killed his mother.
He would have to repay the favour.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes