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FLASHBACK: LAST NIGHT AT AROUND 11 PM - TREE HILL MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

Four months had gone by, and in the space of those four months she had felt more pain than was humanly possible. Now here she sat six months pregnant outside in the hospital waiting room. All her friends Nathan, Haley, Axl not to mention Lucas waiting with her so she wasn't alone by herself, even Brooke was there although the two were not on the best terms, Lucas' mom Karen her future mother in law was there to. All of them there to see her dying mother on her deathbed in her final moments. She let out a shaky breath as she felt Lucas' hand entwine with hers giving it a light squeeze as she plastered a fake smile on her face, she had gone into some sort of denial when she found out about her mothers cancer after the two months she had spent bonding with her. Finding out her history, where she came from and then she had found the leaflets on breast cancer in her mother's draw. And that was the last straw, she had cried hysterically at first but then went into denial. Every time Ellie would mention dying she would refuse to listen. Not wanting to face the inevitable after the amount of people she had lost. And then she had found her mother unresponsive in her bed and screamed for Lucas to call an ambulance. And so it begun...

She opened her pale forest green eyes as the memory washed over her. If she couldn't cope then how the fuck was she meant to cope now. The fear sat quietly, eroding the person she was born to be. What started as a contortion of her stomach became a feeling of being smothered by an invisible hand. Her breathing was erratic, deep, then shallow. She wanted to fight it. To fight the feeling as her body threatened to writhe to be free or shut down entirely. 'Peyt you should get some rest' she heard Lucas say as she motionlessly shaking her head no before placing a sweaty palm on her much bigger protruding womb. 'Peyt his right' she looked to Axl who had been there for her immensely in the past few months. He was her best friend and understood more than anyone else how it felt since he had lost his father to prostate cancer only the previous year. She practically could feel the intense stare of ice meeting cloud blue between him and Lucas were having, there was no denying that they hated each other's guts and she didn't understand why...all she knew is Lucas had gone to see Axl one night and he had come back practically begging her to stay away from him, maybe he found out Axl was a drug addict like she had been...she didn't know, but she did know that Axl had been very over affectionate the past months. It was the littlest gestures like stroking her cheek or turning up unexpectedly. Now every time she brought it up he'd change the subject or get super protective of her. The only upside of the past months was that Sammy was sentenced to seven years in jail, which meant she was free of him at least temporarily. 'No...' was all she said as she visibly tensed. For the next ten minutes she sat there aware of the other's talking around her but in her own little world staring blankly ahead of her, at the white wall that was taunting her.

At that precise moment she saw Dr Copeland coming towards them with Ellie's files and stood shakily to her feet. She was in complete utter denial. There was no way another person was leaving her again. 'Family of Ellie Harp?' she nodded before speaking. 'How is she...I mean she's okay right she's gonna be ok?' she queried. 'I'm sorry to tell you this Peyton but your mother, she's died...' she hadn't heard much after that she blocked that part out. She didn't feel Lucas put his hand on her shoulder or kiss her hair holding her tightly. She didn't hear the women with her sob...or the sighs of the men. All she heard was her heart beating in her ears. She didn't shed a tear.

'I wanna see her' she said as she pushed past the doctor and stormed into her mother' hospital room only to find the bed empty. She walked shakily to the bed and touched the neatly made up bed sheet and nodding her head telling herself internally that everything was gonna be fine. 'Peyton?' she spun around her eyes glassy with tears to see Lucas and Axl standing in the doorway. 'No...No there's no way' she stuttered looking around her like some lost little girl. 'Peyt talk to me...let me help you' she looked at Lucas who was walking towards her holding his hand out at her shaking form but she didn't move. She stood motionlessly and then it all hit her at a force faster than the speed of light.

She could feel herself loosing her mind…again. She could feel it unraveling, the threads of every happy memory she could ever once recall, all but a disarray of strings scattered about her feet. Her sharp knees dig into the hard floor as she hits the ground, her hands unsteady as they silently look for something to claw at to get the pent up feeling to go away. Tear stream down her cheeks, her whole face is red, and she screams at the very top of her lungs. Her upper body and shoulders wrack with every sob that forces their way out, chest rising and falling unevenly as she gasps for breath, and she squeezed her eyes shut, balling her hands into fists each time she threw her head back to let out a blood curdling scream. She felt Lucas' strong arms band around her clutching her to him tightly as she continued to go through the motions. There were five stages of grief and she was now going through the first one...

Denial...

PRESENT TIME: Morning 6 am the Sawyer residence:

She sat on the sofa snuggled into Lucas' shoulder sniffling after another intense and painful emotional breakdown. Her eyes bloodshot and puffy from the immense crying that had been coming in waves. She sat shaking it was almost like she was on drugs again but not quite the same feeling...it was worse. 'Peyton c'mon' she caught on to Lucas say as he tried desperately to move her elsewhere. He couldn't bear to see the confused emotion in the curly-headed blonde' empty, cold green saw him flinch visibly as she shuffled out of his embrace, before getting up and glaring at him.

'DON'T YOU DARE!' She cried as she shook her head vigorously, the hot tears streaming down her red cheeks.

'Peyt' she shied away from his touch turning her back to him and inhaling a sharp breath trying to calm her heightened emotions. Peyton had grieved so many times. The drugs had taken her away a piece at a time. Once she had been the girl that held her first Mother Anna's hand on the way to swings, squealing with delight and demanding to be pushed higher. She had been generous with her smiles and free with her hugs, but all of that was soon ripper away...in the tragic car accident that took her mother's life. That was the first time she stood in the face of grief and she swore to herself she would never let herself feel that amount of pain again, she couldn't of been more wrong. In her early teens the remoteness had begun and she chalked it up to the hormones of becoming a teenager. That was her second grieving. Soon after that her grades collapsed and she grieved for the future she had hoped she would have. The night the police brought her home with charges of shoplifting and she had screamed obscenities at her father before storming into the night, her heart had felt like it was beating in a tight cage. With no way to break through her silence a chasm opened with her. The third time was when Sammy raped her, there was so much more to survival than the persistence of the flesh. Long after Peyton's tears had dried and her abrasions healed her sense of self remained in tatters. She felt like a distortion what she once was, unable to find her way back. Each day was a thing in itself, she didn't dwell in the past or look to the future. Her loved ones wanted her back. They wanted the same girl they loved before, the girl who brought them sunshine. How could she tell them those rays just weren't there? That she was barely there? But she had to accept she would be a different person from here on in. That person would be more cautious, less trusting of strangers, more fearful...The drug addict side to Peyton Sawyer. This could not be her life.

'This isn't good for the baby...you need to get some sleep' she laughed falsely at him turning round to face him, her eyes boring into his with rage heatedly as the anger surged through her. 'That's all you care about isn't it Luke! My mom died last night Luke I don't wanna let go of her...I don't wanna think that everything's changed that I have to start over. THE WORST THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN ACTUALLY DID AND I DON'T THINK I CAN MOVE ON FROM THAT!' she stammered her arms flailing about as she let out a choked sob. 'Baby' she shook her had stepping away from him as he took a step towards her.

'You see Luke you still have a family even though you lost Keith, you still have Nathan, your mom, Haley and even Brooke. You have a parent to run to when you need to seek advice. Do you know how it feels to loose not 1, 2 but three people that you love so deeply just vanish out of the blue forever. I just...I can't keep doing this anymore...It's killing me' she sobbed as she finally let him take her in his embrace hugging her tightly. The grief surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently soothed by her long intakes of the damp spring air. Tears for the impossible began to spill from her helpless eyes onto his woman beater top. All pretense of quiet coping lost and she sank to the floor bringing him down with her. Her black fingers clasping her very pregnant stomach. She cried uncontrollably hanging onto Lucas for dear life as he whispered sweet nothings into her ear to try and sooth her. She cast her eyes to God, she needed his love more than ever now. "Dear God, take care of my mom."

'It's ok baby...I got you...You said I have no clue that's where your wrong, Peyt. I know exactly how it feels. When I lost Keith, It felt like all reasonable thinking of living had been thrown to a distinct planet and I had lost the air to breathe. I closed myself off, to anyone that came my way, kept my emotions to myself, until you showed up. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy Peyt, because it's not and for someone who has been through this multiple times I get that it would be more crucial but this stress is affecting our baby. Please Peyt for god sake get some sleep, do it for me. Do it for our unborn baby who deserves the right to see the outside world. He looked into her saddened green eyes. Do it for Ellie who would've wanted you to move on from this and live your life the best way you can. I get that you need your space and I get that, when you ready to talk, I'll be here.' Promised the Lucas quietly as she witnessed a lone tear fall off his face, she watched as he ignored it, simply kissing her forehead and pulling leading her to the couch before pulling the nearby blanket over her. She watched as he walked to the door leaving her again, his hand on the handle and turned around, his eyes staring at her with emotion. 'I love you." Said the blonde quietly before leaving the room, and leaving the pregnant teen full of guilt and a head wrapped around sorrow.

Once he was gone...she just stared into blank space wondering what the hell she ever done to deserve such shit in her life. The bitterness threatened to tear her in half only feeding off each other and growing bigger. How was she meant to do this...she didn't even know where to start. Her first reaction was to turn to the heroin it was calling to her and strongly and it took every ounce to shut the urge out. She couldn't do it...she couldn't do that to Lucas again and she couldn't do it to her baby.

It had to get better...right?

A/N: There is this weeks update, Hope you guyz enjoyed tell me what ya think. I appreciate all feedback, especially reviews!

LeytonFan4Eva xxx