Amaryllis

Amaryllis looked grimly at the stack of papers she had left to mark before her next class. It was lunch time now, but she chose to remain in her classroom. As she picked up her quill, she heard a knock and looked up. Albus stood at the entrance of her classroom. She smiled at him as an indication for him to enter.

"Hello Albus." She stood up out of respect. "Not going to lunch?"

"I thought I would take the opportunity to visit you, seeing as you haven't been present in the Great Hall during meal times for the past couple of days." He sat down at one of the student desks.

Amaryllis sighed and sat down again. She considered lying but it seemed pointless now. "I'm trying to avoid Severus" she said truthfully.

"And why is that?"

"You know why."

"Do you think Severus deserves that?"

Her stomach dropped. "No" she confessed.

"Severus is a very complicated man" said Albus.

"I know that."

"Then perhaps it's not impossible to believe that the love he has for Lily is also complicated."

She felt her ears burn with embarrassment; she didn't want to have this conversation with the wizard many considered to be the greatest in the world.

"Perhaps there is a particular ache attached to it" he continued. "Which is why it has remained with him for so long."

"I don't understand."

"Pain and disappointment can feel like home if felt often enough, Amaryllis. Loving Lily and losing Lily is all Severus has known for so long…To feel something outside of that spectrum, is, I think, still completely foreign to him."

Amaryllis said nothing. She understood his words, but it seemed all too impossible to her.

"Have you considered speaking to Lily?"

"No" she said at once. "How embarrassing –"

"Lily is a very kind person."

She scoffed. "That's the point though, isn't it? That she's perfect, she's beautiful…that's why Severus will never get over her" she said bitterly. Immediately, she regretted her words, mortified at her response in front of the Headmaster. But his face had not change in the slightest, in fact, Amaryllis thought, he looked amused.

"Why do you feel so strongly about this?" she asked. "Why does it matter to you whether Severus and I work out?"

"He has grown right in front of eyes" said Albus. "I witnessed so many of his emotions over a span of many, many years, but happiness was never one of them."

….

"Thanks for having me over tonight on such short notice" said Amaryllis.

"I'm glad you and I are finally getting a chance to talk" said Lily. "I think it's been a long time coming."

Amaryllis looked around the Potter's kitchen. "Where's James?"

"Out." She gestured for Amaryllis to sit at the table with her. "So you and Severus broke up." It was not a question.

"Yes – I broke up with him."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"Because of me."

"Yes."

"Did he say that?" asked Lily.

Amaryllis sighed. "Look, to be honest, it doesn't matter if he did or he didn't. The problem is me, my brain in this whole thing – I just can't help but feel that Severus is only available because you're married, that he ruined his chance with you because he called you a mudblood." She spoke her words hastily and hoped Lily understood, so she would not have to repeat herself.

"But James doesn't feel that way" stated Lily.

"What do you mean?"

"James doesn't feel that way" repeated Lily. "Nor do I. I didn't fall in love with James because Severus called me a mudblood" she explained. "I fell in love with James because I just did. Severus calling me a mudblood is just a coincidence to that fact." She paused. "Give yourself some credit, Amaryllis. Like you said, Severus is available, but he has been for a long time. He could have been with anyone in that stretch, and yet, it wasn't until you came in to his life that he actually considered feeling for someone new."

Amaryllis processed Lily's words slowly. "You think I actually have a chance with him."

"I do. But unfortunately, you have to be patient" said Lily. "He's passionately short-tempered – he always has been, but it's only because his relationships have been destructive in the past. Not just with me, but think about his parents, how many problems they had, how much they fought. I think it's you that has to show him, that having problems and fighting, it doesn't mean the end – it can be worked through, just like most things in life, and that is what's going to help him move forward."

Amaryllis closed her eyes, still processing. "You're right" she said, and she opened her eyes again. "And I can't give up on him every time something doesn't go the way I want it to either."

"I think so too."

"Maybe I should have come to you earlier" said Amaryllis sheepishly. "Though, I have to admit, I was really hoping you weren't as nice as everyone says you are."

"So I'm still your Hero?" joked Lily.

She laughed. "Oh God, you remember that?".

"How could I forget?"

"You must have thought I was an idiot."

"No, but it was so obvious that you had a crush on Severus. He was oblivious of course."

Amaryllis grinned at her then. "I hope we can be proper friends now" she said sincerely.

"Me too" said Lily. She smiled, but then her face changed, "Have you had the chance to talk to Sirius lately?" she asked.

"Not really. Why?"

"We got in to it the other day," she said grimly. "The topic was Severus, of course. He can't seem to let go of this enmity between them."

Amaryllis bit her lip. "I think it upsets Sirius that Severus is being hailed as a Hero right now because there was a time when he didn't see the distinction between good and evil – and Sirius always has. But he's not getting the same gratitude."

"And I understand that" said Lily. "I just wish he wouldn't get so worked up every time someone mentions Severus's name."

"If Severus is passionately short-tempered, then so is Sirius" reasoned Amaryllis. "However, I think we misjudge what we see from him as anger, when really it's pain. It's just the way he releases it. And it's built up over the course of almost 20 years. To think that James was the person that Sirius loved most in the world, then he lost him and was imprisoned for his murder. His whole world must have shattered. I think all this pain, it's coming out in bursts of rage and unfortunately for him – and us – our automatic response is to scold him for it. Probably the only time Sirius feels valid is when he sees his psychologist…but I think it's time he gets that support from home too."

Lily sighed. "You're right. And I have to admit, sometimes, when I look at Sirius, I see the boy that I went to Hogwarts with, the bully, and maybe I haven't fully let go of that impression yet."

"I'm not saying Sirius isn't immature" said Amaryllis. "But he went to Azkaban when he was really young, and that's hardly a place to grow. He was never given the same opportunity to mature as everyone else."

"I know. But I can't help myself when I defend Severus – I owe him so much. But I also love Sirius I don't want to keep fighting with him."

"I think the fighting will eventually stop" said Amaryllis. "Remember that he is now armed with James and Remus again, and so many other loved ones that he can be surrounded by and be supported by. Also, he's free now, not couped up in Azkaban, or the attic, or alone with his thoughts…I think we're going to witness a lot of growth in Sirius within the next couple of years. But just like Severus, we have to be patient."

…..

Amaryllis woke up early and quickly jumped out of bed. After speaking with Lily the night before, she felt rejuvenated and was ready to talk to Severus again. She put on her favourite burgundy tea dress, curled her hair nicely and put a little more effort in to her makeup. Satisfied with her appearance, she left her quarters, hoping to catch Severus before breakfast. She knocked on the door of his quarters but there was no answer. Slightly disheartened, she decided to go and have breakfast early; she knew she would have more opportunities to speak with Severus throughout the day.

"Amaryllis!"

She turned around and saw Isabella running towards her.

"Bloody…Snape" she panted. "Has had me running…around all morning…getting…ready."

"He's in his classroom?"

Isabella put her hand up, indicating that she needed a moment before speaking again. "Yeah, he is" she said finally. "But I wouldn't try and see him now…he's in a really bad mood."

"I think I'll take my chances."

"Your funeral." Without another word, she quickly bound off in the other direction.

At the dungeons; the doors were open, but Severus had his back to her, writing on the blackboard. She cleared her throat. He turned around, initially annoyed, but his expression quickly changed upon seeing her. He gestured for her to enter.

"I saw Isabella before coming here" she said. "She said you're in a bad mood." She stood awkwardly next to the student desk closest to Severus's desk, not wanting to sit down, but also not wanting to be too close to him just yet.

"I'm always in a bad mood."

Amaryllis grinned at him. "That's true." Against her better judgment, she found herself walking towards Severus. When she reached him, they stood only an inch or two apart. "Severus…I just wanted to apologise to you for what happened over the break. All that stuff with Brodie…I should have taken the time to understand what you were feeling. It was really unfair of me to end things abruptly the way I did." She paused. "I don't expect us to get back together but –"

He closed the gap between them and kissed Amaryllis deeply, after what felt like an eternity of waiting. She responded in less than a heartbeat, standing on her toes so she could put her arms around his neck.

Suddenly, there was a loud cough and quickly they broke apart. Sirius and Isabella stood at the back of the classroom; Isabella looked at the ground awkwardly, but Sirius looked straight at Amaryllis and shook his head. He then stormed out of the classroom.

Amaryllis looked at Severus apologetically, before running out behind Sirius.

"Sirius!" she called, but he kept walking. "Can you just listen!" A group of students nearby watched the exchange, and he stopped. She caught up to him and led him to an empty classroom nearby.

"I don't understand you, Amaryllis" Sirius rounded on her, once the door was closed. "First you cry and then you go back to him, then you cry again and then you go back to him again. It's an endless cycle!"

"I know how it looks" she explained. "But I'm sure now, I promise."

"That's what you said last time."

"Sirius –"

"I don't care!" he snapped. She flinched at his tone. "Not anymore – you do what you want to do, Amaryllis. I'm not going to stop you. I'm not even going to say anything to you – just don't come crying to me when it all goes to shit."

Amaryllis felt her eyes sting. Sirius had never spoken so coldly to her before. He opened his mouth to speak again but upon seeing her face, he stopped dead in his tracks. He put his arm around her instead.

"I'm sorry, Milly. I overreacted" he said softly. He let go of Amaryllis and looked at her properly. "But I still don't like this".

"I know."