"Ok so what I want you to do is just take your time and walk along the length of the bars," Adam instructed.
"This is idiotic," Cal told him as his hands held on to the bars for dear life. His legs were shaking and Adam, his physiotherapist, had taken the wheelchair away again now that Cal was standing. "I know how to walk."
"Then it should be nice and easy," Adam replied lightly. He stood off to the side neutrally watching.
Cal took a step forward. Despite his bitching, he knew he wasn't going to be able to let go of the supports. The trip to the toilet that morning had already attested to his complete lack of muscle strength and ability. He felt like he had woken up out of the matrix and was learning to walk for the first time despite being in an adult body. That was quite a good analogy actually because he felt like had woken up out of a dream only to find things weren't as they seemed. He could feel his wedding band dig into his finger. He had taken it off to see what that felt like and there had been a typical white mark underneath where it rested. He had clearly been wearing it for a while. It wasn't that he thought Gillian was lying to him; it was more that he felt the need to verify for himself. That was what he was used to doing. He was a scientist after all.
Cal felt his arms start to shake as they held his meagre weight. He took another step forward, amazed at how exhausted he was already but still refusing to let Adam know that he was struggling, or needed help. He didn't want anyone to see. He was glad Gillian kept their son away. He didn't want to have to deal with that. Gillian still came every day though. Twice a day. Sometimes three. Cal loved that she came. It was lonely sitting or lying in bed all day. He looked forward to her visits but then as soon as he saw her he remembered this whole other life existed and he didn't know how to be around her. It was bloody awkward! Emily had suggested talking to Gillian but where the hell was Cal even meant to start?
"So Gillian's your wife," Adam started to make casual conversation.
"My business partna," Cal put him right absently. He took another slow step. Wholly crap his legs were so heavy. How could that be when it looked like he had halved his body weight?
"Oh right," Adam responded lightly. He shifted his stance to even out his weight as he waited.
"My wife," Cal corrected himself. "She's my wife," he repeated through gritted teeth. Ok so this was really hard. He wasn't even half way. And he was completely fucked! He shouldn't have run his mouth off on the way down here. He knew he was being taught a lesson right now and it tasted just as bitter as he remembered. Nice to know some things hadn't changed completely.
"She seems nice."
"Yeah well," Cal started to bite and then retracted his teeth. "She is," he agreed. Because she was.
"How long have you two been together?"
"Can we just focus on this?" Cal sniped and that was mostly because he didn't know. It was several years but he had forgotten. Most of the things they had talked about since he woke up had already slipped his mind and he was frustrated as hell. The only reason he remembered his son's name was because she had told him the boy was named after Cal's mother.
"Sure," Adam gave a slight gesture. "Focus away. I've got all day."
'Bloody hell,' Cal grumped to himself.
PJ
"I need help."
"Ok," the answer came slowly. Fair enough. The phone call was out of the blue. "What kind of help?"
"Help help, the kind of help only you can give me."
"Ok," the answer was a little more sure this time. "You're going to have to give me a lot more than that. You've kept me in the dark so I don't actually know what's going on."
Gillian sighed. She had done that on purpose.
"What happened today that has made you want to call me up?" Casey tried. Because Casey always called Gillian and Gillian acted like she couldn't wait to get off the phone again.
"Cal," Gillian answered. It was always Cal.
"What happened with Cal?"
"He was..." How he usually was. Abrupt. Gruff. Cold. Distant. But that was normally with other people. Gillian had gotten used to not being on the receiving end of that side of him and after an entire week of it... when she had enjoyed over six blissful years of...
"It's getting to you," Casey noted. "That he doesn't remember you two being together."
"Yes," Gillian admitted. And the little white pills sitting in her bathroom cupboard seemed more and more appealing as the days dragged by. She had filled the prescription but she was yet to swallow any of them down.
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"If I knew that I wouldn't have called you."
"Come on," Casey coaxed, ignoring her self-pity. "You know how to fix this."
"Do I?"
"Yes. You've done it before."
"Fixed this?"
"Yes that too, but that wasn't what I meant."
Gillian thought for a moment. She had fixed her marriage just once and how had she done that again? By being grateful for what she had. For appreciating Cal as he was. For accepting that she had Cal and Lewis in her life and they were by far the best things that had ever happened to her. By taking a step back, a deep breath, by trying to let the things that bothered her go so she could focus on the bigger picture instead of bitching about the little insignificant things. But what else was Casey talking about? She had done this before. Did Casey mean with Mitchell? Because that wasn't nearly the same. Not even close.
"What do you mean?" Gillian asked when it was clear Casey was not going to elaborate despite the silence.
"I mean, you two found a way to get together in the first place right?"
"Oh that," Gillian was surprised. She hadn't thought that far back. But then, that was exactly where Cal was right now wasn't he?
"Yes that," Casey repeated.
Not many people knew that story. Gillian hadn't told it to anyone except maybe Lewis when he had been in her womb and after he had been born and she had sat up with him, cuddling him and murmuring anything that came to mind to get him to go to sleep. She wondered if Cal had ever told Emily. She knew he had been asking his daughter for details about his life. Emily had told her. They had the same concern; that he would overload with information and not be able to cope. It wasn't that Gillian had demanded a blanket ban on telling him anything, she had just requested that anyone who went to see him was careful with what they let slip and what they answered when he asked. If he heard the stories about Mitchell, Lewis's birth and Lily's death all in one go he very well may implode. It was a lot to handle. Especially when put like that.
"I know he made the first move but you must have reciprocated right? I mean, you let him know in some way, conscious or not, obvious or not, that you were interested and willing... Am I right?"
"Yes of course I did that," Gillian responded amazed with remembering something so simple (something that had entirely slipped her mind) and yet completely significant (and how fitting was it that she should go back to the beginning when Cal had suddenly found himself there too?). She had reciprocated. She must have in the beginning, that first kiss, that very first moment Cal had leaned forward to press his lips against hers. She must have right? And then after that, the very not-so-subtle ways she had pursued him. She had made it clear. She was attracted to him. She wanted a relationship with him. And it had worked in the end, even if initially that had scared him and he had backed off. So perhaps Casey's plan was just a little flawed... would history repeat?
"So. Like any relationship, you have to let the other party know you're interested."
God Casey was so right! She probably didn't even know how right she really was. Gillian had been distant to Cal since he had woken up. Because it hurt her to know he didn't remember their relationship, their son, their lives together. She was wary of him now and afraid that he would reject her. But what she was doing, without realising, was making sure he didn't remember and that he didn't have the opportunity to tell her he didn't want her. She didn't talk to him about the last ten years. She didn't talk to him about their son. In fact, she had taken to keeping Lewis away from Cal, which she thought was to protect the both of them, but in fact, was creating a barrier.
"Thank you," Gillian responded simply after what must have been a very lengthy silence in which Casey waited patiently.
"So you're ok now?"
"Yes."
"Back on track?"
"Yes."
"Let me know how it works out."
"I will."
"Call anytime."
"Thank you," Gillian repeated.
PJ
"Are you gonna work me like a slave every day we do this?" Cal asked gruffly. His body was under strain and he ached all over. Some of the pain was astute, some of it subtle. But it was there, in every pull and retraction of his muscles. And worse, his head throbbed. It didn't like him being upright. It didn't like him strengthening his body. His blood pressure was rising, his blood volume was increasing, the demand his muscles put on his lungs and his heart was going back to normal.
"Yes," Adam responded easily as he stood by and watched Cal walk down the length of the bars again. "You know, you're welcome to have people here in support if you need it."
"What I need is a day off."
"You only started two days ago."
"Yeah well," Cal couldn't think of a comeback fast enough. He felt a surge of frustration, at his inability to process thoughts fast enough and his apparent inability to walk a few meters unassisted. "When do I get a day off?"
"I'll think about it."
"Good lord," Cal complained.
"I'll trade you a day off if you do something for me."
Cal looked up at the younger man. He was in his early thirties and had been at the rehabilitation facility as a physical therapist for the last six years. That was as long as Cal and Gillian had been married. Apparently. "What is it?" Cal asked warily.
"Invite your wife to come to a session."
"Neva mind then," Cal responded lightly. "Eight days a week is fine by me."
"Or your daughter," Adam suggested dipping his head slightly to watch Cal take another step.
"Forget it," Cal growled. Like he wanted his daughter to see him here in his worst state of weakness. Then what would she think of him? He was supposed to be infallible. He was supposed to be someone she looked up to, a role model.
'Can you hear yourself?'
He was supposed to be a role model. So if Emily were walking in his socks right now would Cal want her to be defiant and reclusive and feeling sorry for herself? No, he would want her to feel that she could lean on other people for help and support. He would want her to let people in to help aide her recovery. It would be important for her mental come back too. So why wasn't he taking his own advice? Cos he could be a stubborn bastard. And pig-headed... and what were the other things Gillian called him? Arrogant and...
Gillian.
Gillian had married him! It was unbelievable to think about. He must have got something right then for her to want to spend her life with him. She was lovely and sweet and kind and so many things that he wasn't. But she was also strong and independent and fierce and she didn't settle. So something must have changed for her or for him that had finally brought them together. Wasn't that what he had wanted for a long time? To be with her. And now he was. Legally bound by a ring, emotionally tied by a child. So what was he doing pushing her away? She had limits. She would leave. She had divorced Alec had she not? And why was that again? Cal thought hard. It made his head hurt but whatever... She had left Alec because he had started snorting crack again. So that meant her limit was... drugs? No, come on Cal, think... Her limit was people who were not willing to help themselves. Her limit was people who were not willing to change. So Cal must have changed because she wouldn't have settled. Not in the least. Not when it came to him. She never had. He knew her.
Wait.
He knew her. Sure ten years were gone but they had had ten years before that. They had had ten years of working side by side every day. They knew each other like no one else did. She was the reason Cal's marriage had inadvertently fallen apart. He had connected with Gillian far more than he had ever connected with Zoe. It had been a tragedy to realise and a colossal mistake to allow to happen, but it had, and there had been no denying it once he had come to the conclusion. In fact, it had given him some sort of comfort on some level. He might have lost his wife. And she might have taken his daughter away. But he still had Gillian. For whatever reason she could stand being around him. However it had happened they had gotten close. Now why would Cal want to destroy that?
"Cal?"
"Huh?" He looked up. He had reached the end. His arms were quivering from holding himself up and he could feel his thighs tremoring with the effort he had just exerted.
"Are you all right?" Adam was close to him, ready to catch him should he fall. He looked concerned.
"Fine," Cal gave a nod to confirm. "I'll ask Gillian," he straightened up again, shifting his weight to his other leg as he felt his fractured hip tighten and protest. "So when do I get my day off?"