Fic: Holocaust
Author: Seraphim Grace
Fandom = Supernatural
Pairing = Castiel/Girl!Dean
Rating = R
unbeated
spoiler for season 5 ep1
Soundtrack - Holocaust - Alex Chilton

"Half angel and half bird. And all a wonder and a wild desire."
Robert Browning- O lyric love

Dean copes. It's what she does. It's what she's always done. There'll be time soon enough to weep and wail and rant and rage, but for now, she copes. She wants to scream. She wants to throw up. Instead she makes do.

Sam sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands taking long deep, measured breaths. She wants to hit him, to strike him, to throw up at him, to rail at him. Cas is dead she wants to scream, Cas sacrificed himself so I could save you and you just let it happen. The one person who loved me regardless died for you, died so I could save you, and you didn't want to be saved.

She just flicks channels on the news and thinks of the things she wants to say. She wants to tell him to get over it, to get down off his cross because there's better things to do with the wood. She wants to congratulate him because his self inflicted crown of thorns is holding back his hair for once.

So he feels sorry for himself for kick starting the apocalypse, because that's the elephant in the room. Lucifer can do what the fuck he likes, Dean thinks, so what if he wants to dance the merengue using intestines as neckties and whatever else it is demons do to get off. And Sam is all woe me, I started the apocalypse, so what, Dean thinks, Castiel sacrificed himself to save her, so she could save Sam.

Cas was wrong, she knows, she didn't love Sam more than him.

Right now, she can barely look at her brother.

And the blue eyes she expects to offer comfort, they're never going to come back.

She's never going to be loved, she knows that, Sam is too selfish, too wrapped up in the deliciousness of his own guilt and doesn't even think, doesn't even notice, doesn't ask. So fuck him, she thinks, and fuck the donkey he rode in on on his way to Jerusalem, give him the cross he wants, give him his crown of thorns, give him his spear of destiny.

Dean's just going to sit here and hold back the bile and the rage and the tears and the hate and the grief and watching I love lucy reruns because it's what she always does.