I Don't Own The Devil Wears Prada
Underestimated Failure
She closed her eyes as she rested her forehead against the car's window. At least a thousand images flashed in her mind all of them giving her reason to never close her eyes again. She rolled her head off of the glass and then faced forward focusing on the back of Roy's head. She was alone in the backseat and briefly wondered if she should have just told Roy to drop her off at the nearest airport so that she could buy a ticket and fly away to destinations unknown. She could fly away to some random dot on a map where she could start all over again, rewrite her own story and give herself a better role than the one she was currently drowning in.
There had always been a fatal flaw with her modus operandi, but she had been delusional enough to believe that as long as she moved around from scene to scene, from person to person, job to job, then nothing would be able to catch up to her. She thought that as long as she kept running then she'd be saved from her own consequences, but Miranda had somehow managed to hold her down and keep her still long enough so that her feet were now fettered and encased in cement. She could tell Roy to take her to the airport, could buy that ticket, and could even get on that plane so that her physical body could leave, but her mind would still be stuck in New York and she knew she'd never be able to run away like she had always been able to before.
If she could flashback to six months ago, she promised herself that she'd do things differently. She promised herself that she would have changed everything and wouldn't have ever come to New York City. She would have stayed away, and would have been able to keep her life exactly the way she wanted it. Guilt was the only reason she had come in the first place, and she should have realized that doing something solely out of guilt was never going to end well for her, especially since she normally went out of her way to not give into any emotion.
But Lily had been calling her incessantly, doing what she normally did, acting like the mother and father she didn't need. Lily wanted her to go to a party that she was putting together for Andy, "You remember Andy," Lily had said. "She's getting married." And she had remembered Andy, in the vague sense of actually remembering someone. She remembered that Andy had big brown eyes and reminded her a little bit of Bambi. She couldn't recall any details about Andy's life, couldn't quite recall any specific details about Andy's personality. She could remember hanging out with Lily and Andy but never really wanting to be there. She remembered being stuck in Ohio counting the minutes in the day until she would be able to return to her home in Atlanta.
She owed a lot to her cousin, and since she couldn't avoid the family that didn't know what to do with her and that she didn't know what to do with, she caved and said she would go to a party in New York City for some people she didn't particularly know. It was important to Lily so by default it had to be important to her. She had to make it a priority and she had to put in her one hundred and ten percent worth of effort behind it.
She owed Lily. She owed her enough to stay with Andy after the surprise engagement party crashed and burned. She owed her enough to be an honest friend to Andy when she shied away from being bound to anyone for any reason.
And it was easy; at least in the beginning it was easy. All she had to do was say the right things, make the right moves and give a little bit of her time. As a short term friend, she rocked and Lily had thanked her for it. She'd done the right thing and she hadn't left even when wanted to. She wanted to disappear and go back to Cornell to finish what needed doing so that she could earn a degree she had no particular interest in. She had no particular interest in the university, no interest in continuing her education, but she just hadn't been offered a better opportunity.
Then, she got caught up in trying to do the right thing for Andy and fell into Miranda.
Okay, so yes she lied to Andy when she had been trying to be a good friend and said she had never heard of Miranda Priestly. She lied, but the lie only fell from her lips because she wanted to protect Andy. She didn't want Andy to think she was prejudging the person that was part of the Nate fiasco. It was a harmless lie, the results of a decision made in the haste of trying to be a good, objective friend. And to her credit, it was the only lie she had ever uttered to Andy, but it was the lie that built their relationship so…hindsight it wasn't so harmless.
Maybe if Andy had never heard that lie, then she would have been a little more reticent to open up. Maybe if she had just told Andy that she had heard of Miranda, but it wasn't from the fashion blogs or from her cousin then Andy would have never thought to trust her. Maybe if she had said that she had actually met Miranda at some benefit her mother had forced her attend, it would have drastically changed things. She could have explained that her mother was a Chief Executive Officer of an international nonprofit organization that gave her access to powerful people in powerful positions, but she hadn't tried to explain anything. If she were to be completely honest, she hadn't really tried at anything at all. Her life philosophy had always been simple, uncomplicated, detached and logical: if she never really tried at anything then she would never get attached.
As it was, luck was on her side when it was clear Miranda hadn't remembered their one time meeting that had taken place over five years ago. But the devil must have been on her side when Miranda had offered her a job she couldn't figure out a way to refuse. Her one constant malady was boredom and she sought out any sort of challenge to remedy it, and she knew working for Miranda would be a challenge like none other she'd ever met. She had heard the stories after all, had already been warned to steer clear if she valued her sanity. But Miranda was her spider and she was the fly; there was no turning away. So, suddenly she found herself in New York living with Andy and working for Miranda. And her simple, uncomplicated, detached and logical life philosophy was thrown out the window.
Working for Miranda while she was living with Andy was complicated. She never knew what to say to either of them so often chose not to say anything at all. It was impossible for her to remain detached. She couldn't be logical about everything and nothing anymore was simple. It was surreal and exciting and she found herself overdosing on everything that was being handed over to her. She couldn't resist any temptation. Her youth and inexperience couldn't save her from giving in when Andy had first initiated sex into their otherwise platonic relationship. It couldn't save her from Miranda's minefield filled generosity and it couldn't protect her from making one stupid mistake after another.
It'd be easy for her to blame Andy and then blame Miranda for everything that had spiraled so quickly out of her sphere of control, but her mother had raised her better than that. Besides, Miranda had somehow become important to her, and there was no rational reasonable explanation for it. All she knew was that when she sat across from Miranda Priestly and looked into her eyes, she felt a little less empty and felt a little less like running away to discover the oblivion she had always been looking for.
She didn't need a mental health professional to tell her that she had severe Mommy and Daddy issues. She didn't need someone to explain to her that the avenues she took to abate her erratic energy would eventually lead to her own demise. She was familiar enough with Psych 101 to know she was messed up. It wasn't a big secret. Lily constantly reminded her just how messed up she was and just how much she needed to tighten up and take control over a life that could only end in tragedy. Lily was good at lecturing; it would have been a good profession for her.
Miranda didn't lecture her. They didn't talk about her father's death, her mother's absence, and the ways in which she could improve upon her life. Nor did they talk about any of Miranda's tragedies. For some reason, they didn't have to. Their internal corruption was a bridge between them, and there was safety in numbers. So, when she and Andy were sharing a bed and her hands started to shake because she felt the unrestricted coldness building inside of her, she ran to Miranda because Miranda gave her focus and reason.
Miranda was her shield against nullity and the price for that protection manifested in the business world. It was easy payback, considering the benefits. Besides, it was business and her mother had raised her to understand that world. Her mother was thrilled to learn that she was working for Miranda Priestly, had even called Miranda personally to thank her for giving her daughter the opportunity that was so drastically needed in a time when her daughter was on the precipice of falling into an obscure orifice of oblivion, where her abundant talent and intellect wasted away and she became nothing more than the victim of a privileged life.
Of course Miranda didn't say anything about the personal phone call. Miranda may have not remembered meeting her at that dull benefit, but that didn't mean Miranda didn't know anything about her. Her mother and stepfather had money, and that wasn't something that was easy to hide; it wasn't something she wanted to hide. It worked to her benefit and she was smart enough to take advantage of it.
"You're kinda quiet today, Aquarius." Roy said as he eased the car to a stop. "Are you feeling alright?"
Aquarius briefly closed her eyes again. The images she had first seen still instantly appeared, forcing her to open her eyes so that she didn't scream. "I'm sorry, Roy." Aquarius forced herself to smile. "I just had a late night and an early morning."
"Has Miranda given you a day off yet?" His eyes met hers in the rearview mirror.
"A day off?" She chuckled. "Man, I don't know what that is. But hey, I got a promotion so that means I can tip you properly now for running me around like crazy."
Roy laughed with her. "Aquarius," he turned around to face her, "you've never tipped me."
"Right, right." She nodded. "I knew I kept on forgetting to do something. But I do recall getting you a great Scotch for your birthday."
"True." His eyes shifted to the window. "You better go. They've got someone waiting for you."
Aquarius followed his line of sight. Miranda had sent one of Irv's cronies to wait for her. "Yeah," she sighed. "You don't want to take me to the airport, do you?"
Roy laughed and shook his head. He didn't answer her. To him, it was only a joke.
Aquarius kept the smile on her face, patted Roy on the shoulder and then slipped out of the car. She greeted the man waiting for her, using her natural charisma to disarm any bomb Miranda had already undoubtedly set up. It didn't take her long to win him over. Irv's assistant, Martin, was joking with her and laughing by the time the elevator reached their floor.
"Are sparks flying between Miranda and Irv yet?" She asked as they neared Irv's office.
"When aren't there sparks?" Martin rolled his eyes. "They wouldn't get anything done if it weren't for us."
Aquarius just smirked. Martin was an easy target, and Irv should have chosen a better assistant. She let Martin push the heavy wooden door open for her, winked at him and then walked into the room. Irv and Miranda hadn't been waiting for her, to assume so would have been ridiculous. They needed to negotiate business that Irv didn't want her to overhear. He mistakenly assumed that Miranda would keep their secret business meetings safe from Aquarius's ears.
"Ah, Aquarius." He stood up and grinned. "I'm glad you could finally join us."
Aquarius walked over to him. "It's always a pleasure meeting with you, Mr. Ravitz." She leaned forward and then gave him a light kiss on the cheek.
"You should know better than that," he said as they pulled apart. "Call me Irv."
"I know." Aquarius stepped further away from him. "I just can't seem to shake my old fashioned Southern manners." She made sure to insert a hint of the South in her tone. It didn't matter that she wasn't born in Georgia. For whatever reason, Irv seemed to enjoy her being from the South so she used it to her advantage. "It took me forever to get used to calling Miranda by her first name." She walked over to where Miranda was sitting, and then leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Miranda's cheek.
"Take a seat," Miranda ordered. "We were just discussing your promotion."
"Which one?" Aquarius joked as she took the seat Miranda had offered. "If you read any of the news this morning, you'd get the impression I was elected to be the next president or committed murder."
Irv chuckled and Miranda falsely smiled. "It is a bit of a debacle isn't it?" Irv took his own seat. "I'm afraid since Miranda announced you'd be taking over for Nigel it's got everyone in an uproar."
"Well it's understandable." Aquarius leaned back in her chair. "Miranda's managed to turn the fashion world upside down again. I must admit," she looked quickly over at Miranda, "I didn't even see it coming."
"From what Miranda's told me," Irv kept his focus on Aquarius, "you've earned it."
"Knowing Miranda," she turned back to Irv, "she's being too kind when she sings my praises." Irv's smile faltered, but Miranda's finally turned genuine. It was a joke and Aquarius knew Miranda would understand it, but Irv wouldn't know that he was supposed to laugh. "That's why I only feel it fair to tell you, Mr. Ravitz that it would be inconceivable to me to take over the production of Teen Runway next year without Miranda." Irv's smile was now completely gone. "I know we've discussed involving Jacqueline but, I'm sure you'll understand my preferences. The Board of Directors seems to think it'd be for the best."
She and Miranda had been very busy the last couple of days. Ever since Irv had let Aquarius know he wanted her to take over the launch of Teen Runway they had to line up all the right people and put all the right pieces in place so that they could confidently declare Irv impotent. He had thought he could seduce Aquarius away from Miranda and bring Jacqueline Follet back into the fold. He never intended to hand over power to Aquarius; she was supposed to be the pretty young face while Jacqueline provided the intellect. He had even told Aquarius as much, but he just didn't understand that Miranda had already built up her defense.
Aquarius couldn't turn her back on Miranda, because Miranda owned her, knew all of her secrets, even had her mother's ear. The only leverage she had ever had was with Andy, but she couldn't use Andy like that and neither could Miranda. Andy had no problem using her, but Aquarius didn't feel like paying back the favor. She'd always tried to do right by Andy, had tried to keep her distance while maintaining her supportive role. Still, somehow she had become attached and perhaps that's why she had to stop herself from screaming the first time Andy had said that she was in love with her.
Aquarius had known it was a lie. It was an obvious, outrageous lie. Aquarius accepted that Andy used her to make herself feel better. She accepted that their relationship was mostly for emotional convenience. Andy needed her to fulfill a particular role, so Aquarius did. She supported Andy's career, she helped her get over her failed relationship with Nate, she stayed close when Andy needed her. She played the part Andy wanted her to play, but she drew the line when it came to falling in love.
That's why she had left, and she still couldn't figure out how to go back and talk to Andy about any of it. She didn't quite know how to explain to someone that she was only being the person she thought they wanted her to be. She had purposefully hidden who she was, so that she could help Andy carry on. Someone had once told her that if she pretended to be something long enough, then she'd become it, but that wasn't true. She had pretended for over six months to be perfect for Andy, but she didn't change into a better person. Aquarius believed that when all was finally said and done, she'd come out looking like a monster.
"I'm sure you agree," Miranda was saying to her.
She forced her attention back to the task at hand—destroying Irv Ravitz—and said whatever she thought was appropriate. Fifteen minutes later, their meeting was over and she was riding alone in an elevator with Miranda. "Your mother sent me a rather… extravagant bouquet."
"Of course she did." Aquarius leaned against the elevator's wall. "I didn't get the privilege of receiving flowers. But she did call to remind me how important it is that I don't further shame the family. Apparently, I've already shamed her enough and my dead father is still horribly disappointed in me." She sighed. "He's a very vocal dead man."
The doors opened and Miranda immediately stepped through them. "You'll be working with Nigel for the next few months in preparation for the transition," she said as soon as Aquarius caught up with her.
"I'm sure he's looking forward to it." They reached the car where Roy had been waiting the entire time. "I'm also working with Nicole's people, and I told Emily to take care of the arrangements for that stupid fundraiser Carroll is organizing." She opened the door for Miranda.
"Aquarius!"
They both turned to the voice shouting her name. It was a man with a camera, in a group of people with cameras. "Shit," Aquarius whispered. "It's been like this all day. I'll meet up with you after your luncheon." She began to turn away, but was stopped by Miranda's hand grabbing her forearm.
"Your mother has greatly underestimated you." Miranda's hand slid off of her arm.
"But you know she's right about me." Aquarius turned to face the man who was hurrying towards her. "I haven't lived up to my name." She put a smile on her face and then moved away from Miranda's car so that Roy could safely pull away.
She answered a few questions that were shouted at her, and then walked away. She was the new hot item for Page Six, and her reputation was built on being the Yin to Miranda's Yang. Their dichotomy was vitally important for their success and it was too late in the game for Aquarius to start dissociating herself from the foundation her reputation had been built on. It didn't matter that she currently felt like she was being buried alive. It didn't matter that she wanted to run away and forget everything she had ever done. It didn't matter because business was business and it was in her blood.
She couldn't run from the responsibility, from the city, from the country, from Andy, from Miranda, from her family. It was all inside of her now, attached and not letting go.
Her phone began ringing and she dug into her coat pocket to pull it out. She didn't bother to look at who was calling her; it didn't really matter anymore. "This is Aquarius."
"Lily says you're not staying with her."
Of course it was Andy. Her day wouldn't completely suck if it wasn't Andy. "No, I'm staying with Miranda."
"Miranda?" She sounded surprised. "What?" She managed to stumble out. "Why?"
"We're friends… sort of." Aquarius shrugged. "It's complicated."
"I can't believe…" Andy's voice faded.
"Neither of us lied to you about anything, Andy." Aquarius found the nearest building and entered it. She didn't care where she was; she just wanted to get off of the street. "Don't give Miranda shit for helping me out."
"Don't you think she could have told me you were staying at her house?" Andy yelled.
Aquarius laughed. This conversation was so obviously funny. "So you wanted her to tell you about it when she was sleeping in the same bed I had just left, right?"
Andy didn't say anything. There was nothing but silence, but the silence didn't satisfy Aquarius. "Or maybe it would have been better to tell you about our friendship while you were confessing your love for me while you were coveting her?"
"That's not fair," Andy sounded like she was holding back tears, but Aquarius didn't feel the need to apologize. She had always been destined to let Andy down, to make her hurt. It was inevitable the moment she tried to be the tonic that would cure Andy from her love pains. There was no longer a reason for her to pretend like she was perfect. She could shed off the personality Andy had seen and show her the person she had never met.
"Of course it isn't fair, Andy. It was never going to be."
There was an extended silence and then, "I think we need to talk…in person."
They could talk in person forever, but Aquarius didn't think that would help anything. "You shouldn't waste your words on me, Andy." Whatever malice that had been building in her tone vanished. She couldn't hold onto it anymore. "Save them for Miranda. You always wanted to work things out with her so…do that."
Again there was silence, and again Aquarius didn't try to fill it. She patiently waited for Andy to figure out what it is she wanted to say. She didn't think about all the things that she needed to do before she was scheduled to meet up with Miranda. She didn't think about anything outside of the conversation she was having. Like always, she was completely present in the moment, never trying to do anything halfway.
"I don't know if I can," Andy finally admitted. "I don't know if I should."
Aquarius was a little surprised that Andy was still freely admitting her secrets, but she supposed that Andy really didn't have anyone else to talk to about any of this. "You should, Andy." She said it only because she thought that's what Andy wanted to hear. She should have told Andy to run far away, should have said she'd be better off on the other side of the world. But Andy didn't want to hear that. Obviously, Andy had already made her decision; she was just looking for someone to tell her to go ahead with it. "You wouldn't be hanging around her anymore if you didn't want to work things out. You wouldn't have shared your bed. You can have it all, it just might take a while and you have to start again."
"You mean that," Andy whispered, like she couldn't quite believe Aquarius was being genuine, but had no evidence to prove otherwise. And Aquarius did think that it was possible for Andy to form a relationship with Miranda. She was the sort that thought anything was possible, but that didn't necessarily mean it was likely.
"Of course I mean it." Once more, Aquarius forced herself to smile. "I wouldn't say it otherwise."
"Lily's really underestimated you."
She softly chuckled. "I hear she's not the only one." It was an odd thing to say, so before Andy could question it she quickly added, "Don't assume that I'm completely okay with everything that's happened, because I'm not, but I've got to work it out on my own."
"Aquarius, I owe you an apology, and I…"
"Let's not do that just yet," Aquarius interrupted. "I'm gonna need more time for that."
"Oh, okay. If you need anything…"
"I'll let you know." She finished for Andy. "I've gotta go, though. You know how the daily grind goes with Miranda. So, I'll talk to you later, alright." She waited for Andy to say goodbye and then quickly hung up. Her hands were shaking and she could feel her heart beating wildly in her chest. She looked around, not recognizing any of the people around her, but that didn't mean no one was watching. So, she found the nearest bathroom and locked the door behind her as soon as she entered. She released the cell phone she still had gripped in her hand and threw it against the mirror.
The mirror didn't break and neither did her phone. It fell down into the sink and stayed there defying her one act of anger. "God damn it!" She approached the mirror and used her fist to try and break it instead, but it denied her as well. All she could do was add more bruises to her already bruised hand. She kept on lashing out until she couldn't take the pain anymore. She cupped her broken hand to her chest and then slowly fell to the floor. Tears sprung to her eyes, but she couldn't let them fall.
She couldn't cave under the pressure, couldn't give in to her own poor choices. She was stuck in her underestimated failure. She knew she should have backed out the moment Miranda had first broken her down, but she hadn't been strong enough to walk away. Miranda had promised to teach her how to deal with it all, and Aquarius couldn't give that up. So far, Miranda had helped but at the moment she didn't feel any better than she had when she first walked into Miranda's office.
Her phone began ringing from inside the sink. Aquarius looked up, not able to see through the porcelain to her phone, but she imagined Miranda was calling her. It could only be Miranda. She reached up without looking, grabbed hold of her phone and blindly hit the talk button. "Yeah?" Her voice was strained, her throat hurt.
"What's wrong?" Miranda immediately asked.
"I'm really hating myself today," Aquarius quietly admitted, her eyes turning down to her hand. She knew she didn't have to further explain herself. Miranda understood what she meant. How could she not after everything she had done?
There's no time for that," Miranda firmly replied. "Gather yourself up and get back to work." There was a click and then she hung up. Aquarius lowered her phone and then looked down at it. Miranda was right; she didn't have the time to breakdown. Miranda gave her focus and direction. It was what her mother said she needed. It was what her cousin had constantly tried to offer.
Aquarius forced herself up off the floor. She straightened out her clothes, gave herself a onceover in the mirror that refused to break under her assault, and then walked out. She could deal with her hand later. There was still work for her to do.