Chapter 26

WHAT?? We could have sex? My mind was racing a million miles a minute, along with my blood pressure, my libido and my imagination. I was firing on all pistons and wasn't quite sure that I heard Jasper correctly. So, I repeated myself wondering if maybe I had shocked him with my question.

"We can have sex??" If he couldn't feel my shock I would be, well, shocked. Sex was something that was NEVER talked about with Edward. He wouldn't even open mouth kiss me for crying out loud. I was too fragile. He could crush my skull accidentally. Edward's words ran through my mind. Sex was totally not on the menu of things he would discuss or even think about trying. Edward had me convinced it absolutely was not an option.

"Um, well, yes...if precautions are taken...we can...ah..." This was the first time I had ever heard Jasper stumble over words. "I guess I should not have assumed that you would want to...I am sorry...uh." Even though I could barely breathe and could definitely feel the effects of my stuttering heart, he was dying a slow death right in front of me and I was the only one who could throw him a lifeline.

"Jasper, I so totally want to do that very thing with you." Because I had no air left in my lungs, it came out as a very unconvincing whisper and what I thought would be a joyous revelation to him, missed him by a mile. Wanting so badly for him to hear and feel my conviction, that he was everything I truly wanted, I sucked in a shuddering breath and started over. "Jasper, I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about it, dreamt about it, daydreamed about it, even doodled inappropriate things about it along the margins of my notebook." I stopped myself before I made any more embarrassing revelations.

"Well, you know what I am trying to say. I just had no idea that it was an option, that we could do that, that you would want to. I mean, I heard you clearly in the pub, you want to be my first everything, and I am so with you. You have no idea how with you I am. I just didn't know you felt that way, that it went to that… extent… that level… that… oh Jasper." My heart was pounding, my hands were fluttering. Just remembering the way his lips felt on mine, the taste of his mouth, his tongue, so sweet, had me blushing like crazy, but once I got started, I couldn't seem to stop the words from pouring out. "I didn't even know we could kiss like that. I mean…" Suddenly, I was nervous, very nervous. Even though I had dreamed of making love with Jasper, I never dreamed we actually could! Now that Jasper presented me with the opportunity to live my fantasy, I was as nervous as a straight guy in a gay bar. However, even after laying my feelings out the way I had, his expression was not what I had expected.

"Oh, I would have thought that you and ah...well, that it would have at least been discussed previously...in your past relationship." He was so uncomfortable now he was actually emitting the emotion and making me sweat.

"No, it was never discussed, ever." I shook my head while I was speaking. "I'm shocked that it is possible." AND I added to myself, a little frigging dismayed that it was an option and Edward never wanted to try it. What the hell did that mean? Did he not want to have sex with me? Why the hell not? Okay, snap out of it, back to the hot hunk in front of me that WANTS to have sex with me...wants to make love to me…

Okay, so the night had now officially taken a turn towards the awkward. We just stood stock still staring at each other not knowing what to do. So, I did the only thing I could do and burst out laughing, I couldn't help it. Jasper started to relax with me and within minutes we had both relaxed into a somewhat normal state. Except, I realized just then, our normal state was and had been for quite a while, a mild sexual tension that neither one of us had admitted to until that moment.

Jasper placed both of his cool hands against my very hot cheeks, which were flushed from both embarrassment and laughter and brought my face toward his. Our lips met, his so icy firm and smooth and mine on fire. This kiss was not the frantic all consuming kiss we shared in the pub. This one was soft and slow. His tongue lazily reached out to my lips and they parted for him. They would never not part for him. Now that we had kissed, now that I knew we could kiss like this, I wanted to be kissing him always. We began to move closer together until our bodies were touching each other at every point possible. Even though his body was so hard and cold, I was the one melting. Slowly his hands moved from my face, leisurely making their way down my bare back. I felt shivers start from the bottom of my spine and work their way up to the back of my neck where my hair began to stand on end. Every cell in my body was awake and aching for Jasper's touch. I was so overwhelmed by his confession, by my own confession, I could hardly breathe. He felt me sway slightly and wrapped his arms around me to hold my weight. I was sure my knees were ready to give. I draped my arms over his shoulders and began entwining my fingers into his beautiful silky hair.

When we finally broke apart, I gasped for air. I pressed my forehead to him and tried to steady my breathing. I knew he could hear how fast my heart was beating, how the blood was rushing through my veins, how my scent was broadcasting my arousal, providing him with signals that I was so completely into this, but that no words would ever convey.

"Would you like to spend the night at my place?" He asked. I nodded, not sure I would be able to speak. Shaking from his amazing kiss, I was still adjusting to the slightly sweet numb feeling that lingered in my mouth and on my lips after kissing him.

On slightly wobbly legs, I moved around my little apartment, pulling out my duffle bag and haphazardly threw items in it that I might need for the evening. I mentally gave myself a slap on the back for completely shaving all areas in need of a shave and wished that I had something sexy to slip into for Jasper. Immediately and without warning, I started to think of the experience Jasper had in this area. I was sure Alice had all kinds of sexy clothing and they had been together for so long that I was also sure they could write a book on different ways to have sex. I didn't even want to think of what Jasper had done before Alice, but I was willing to bet there was no way that she was his first. God, I was so inexperienced with the opposite sex it bordered on the absurd. I didn't have the faintest idea of what to do, how to please him.

All of a sudden, two arms wrapped around my waist and turned me around. I looked up into the most gorgeous face creased with worry. "Stop, whatever you are thinking about, just stop." He whispered. "You have nothing to worry about. You are beautiful, sensitive, caring, sexy, courageous, and absolutely unbelievable. No words can describe you accurately. You are the most amazing creature I have ever laid eyes on and you are not to compare yourself to anyone as no one would ever compare."

"Jasper..." I was so racked with nerves that I couldn't even form a sentence anymore.

"Bella, we don't have to do anything you don't want to. I want to be with you and I am willing to wait, no matter how long. Remember, I have nothing but time. You are the driver here, I am willing to go where ever you want." He lightly traced his finger along my jaw line and then down my throat to my collarbone. I closed my eyes and rested my face against his chest. He ran his fingers threw my hair and rested his chin on the top of my head.

I felt so secure with Jasper being wrapped around me, like nothing would ever hurt me again. I sighed relaxing into him. I hadn't felt this peaceful in, well, I could not remember how long it had been. Reluctantly, I pulled away in order to continue packing. Once I had my overnight bag ready, Jasper gallantly took it from me and offered me his arm. I smiled up at him and we made our way out to the car. The moment that we stepped outside, Jasper abruptly stopped and I noticed that his nostrils flared significantly.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He smiled down at me and walked me over to the car but his eyes quickly left mine as they began to search the area.

"Jasper?" What was he doing?

"Everything's okay. I just thought...you know what, it's nothing." He opened the passenger door for me and I slid into the seat. No sooner had the door closed, when my cell phone ring.

Shit. I did not have to look at the caller ID to know who it was. I swear, he must have some sort of GPS system on me. I was so totally not in the mood to speak with Jake, but knew avoiding the call would raise his suspicions. Jasper had already started the car and pulled out onto the road. He looked at me, his eyebrow raised. "Are you going to answer that?"

"I don't want to, but I guess I should." I slowly flipped open the phone. "Hi Jake."

"Hi Bella, how was the date with Logan?" He asked, however, his voice was extremely tense.

"Um, it went okay." Crap! Did Logan call him? Did Jake set him up to be my watchdog? The thought urked me to no end because I wouldn't put it past Jake to do something like that. Still, I searched my mind frantically, trying to think of how to not lie, especially if he already knew the truth about what happened at the pub… and, oh God! Did Logan tell him everything? Jake would just die if he knew I was dancing like a… like a… well, just like a… oh hell no… Logan would not tell Jake that… would he?

"What are you doing now?" He asked stiltedly obviously tired of waiting for me to offer any other information regarding my evening.

I couldn't lie. He already knew something was up. No matter what scenario I came up with in my mind that would get me out of this situation with no harm to my friendship with Jake, I couldn't do it. So, I decided to throw myself off the cliff, so to speak. "I am going to Jasper's."

He was quiet. "What for?" He barely managed to croak out.

"I am going to sleep there this evening." Jasper was keeping his eyes on the road, his jaw was clamped tight. I knew he was trying his best not to alter my mood and I greatly appreciated it, but, for once, I almost wished he would.

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow as if he knew what I was thinking and I gave him a slight nod. Immediately, I relaxed and felt my heart rate slow down. Reaching over, I placed my hand on his slim hard thigh and gave him a squeeze. His foot slammed down on the gas pedal and I barely managed not to giggle before I realized that Jake had still not responded.

"Jake?"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you sleeping there?" He actually growled at me and whether I meant it to or not, my next remark was as condescending, patronizing and as blatantly obvious as I could make it.

"Why do you think?"

"I don't know, why don't you tell me." The tight menace in his voice just pissed me off.

What, are we five?? I didn't answer him. I just waited and could almost hear him stewing at the other end.

"I can't talk to you right now, Bella. I just can't believe you. I am so… disappointed. I just can't..." He took a deep breath, exhaled and then hung up the phone.

I sat in stunned silence staring at the phone, dumbfounded. I think I would have preferred if he had screamed. But, then, it hit me… I had never kept secrets from Jake before, I told him everything about my time with Edward, even the facts that I thought were true at the time, Edward and I could never have an intimate relationship, unless… I was one of them. So… as far as Jake was concerned, the only reason I would be staying the night with Jasper would be because… oh Shit! I looked up at Jasper who was, in turn, staring at me, obviously waiting for me to have some kind of reaction beyond what I knew he was feeling coming off me.

"I have to call him back." I said in a rush as I hit my speed dial.

The phone was answered immediately. "What exactly did you say to him?" It was Raven and she was furious.

"What happened?" I asked, worried that Jacob had flown off the handle and may have hurt Raven in the process. Immediately, thoughts of Sam and Emily began racing through my head. I could picture the ugly scars that ran along the side of her face, a result of Sam losing control and phasing while she was too close to him.

"He just hung up the phone, phased and took off, taking the screen door with him. The damn thing is lying out in the middle of the driveway, shredded! He is livid, Bella! What is going on?" She demanded, sounding slightly hysterical.

I figured Jake would tell her anyhow, so there was no point in lying. "I told him I was spending the night with Jasper."

"Oh...OH!" The line went silent. I could just picture the look on Raven's face when I dropped that bomb. "Well, that would explain it." She seemed to relax slightly.

"You aren't mad at me too?" I asked.

"I don't think my getting mad at you is going to change anything Bella. My only concern is that Jacob gets back here safe and sound. My world revolves around Jake and nothing else." Okay, point taken.

"I'm so sorry Raven, I know why Jacob is freaking out. I know it is so totally in his nature to automatically hate Jasper, but…"

"Bella, with all due respect," Raven broke in, effectively ending any explanation I would have tried to lay out to her." You know I love you, like a sister, but I do see Jake's side. You simply cannot put aside what Jasper is, not that his being the creature he is isn't bad enough, but also who he is to you, a connection to something horrible in your past. I'm not going to lecture you. You're too much like Jacob, you wouldn't listen and none of it would matter. However, this is what I do know, Jasper is not good for you, Bella. End of story. Jake will never come around and you need to understand that. Regardless, a choice is going to have to be made."

My heart was breaking, ripping in half. "What exactly are you saying?" I knew what she was saying, but I needed her to state it, out loud.

"Bella, you are a smart girl. Do you honestly think you can have your cake and eat it too? You can't have a foot in both worlds. You need to pick a side and stick with it. We are not talking about two guys that just don't happen to get along. These are two species that are born to hate each other, it is innate. There is nothing that can be done to overcome it. Just be sure of your decision, because this time, if you choose wrongly, there might not be anyone left to pick up the pieces."

And with that, she hung up. The dial tone that I was left with was worse than a slap in the face. I didn't have to look at Jasper to know that he heard everything that was said. I couldn't look at him, I was mortified, embarrassed and, really, pretty much broken hearted. For so many reasons, because I might lose Jacob, because I might lose Jasper, because it was so clearly apparent that I was not worthy of either of them or was going to be able to keep both of them in my life. I did not know what to do. I love Jacob, he is my only family. But, he doesn't know all the facts. He doesn't know. And… he won't listen. Raven is right. Nothing I could ever say will change his mind. And then, what if Jasper came to the same conclusion that Edward did? I just wasn't worth it. If Jasper had any sense to him, he'd cut his losses now and get rid of me. The thought of Jasper leaving me made my stomach hit the floor of the car. Our relationship was what, two hours old, and I already knew that I would be absolutely devastated if he were to leave me.

I clenched my eyes shut holding back tears as I wrapped my arms around myself. That old painful wound began to rip open once again. Oh God! I was getting sucked into that familiar black vortex of despair that I had stupidly convinced myself was healed. I was so far gone, I hadn't even noticed that Jasper had pulled the car over, got out and walked around to my side, until he opened my door and yanked me out. I don't think my feet even touched the ground as he shook me slightly and then held me to him.

"Stop it, right now." He pushed me against the car and grabbed my face between his icy hands, not even attempting to be gentle, shocking me back into the present. "Look at me." He waited. I couldn't make myself look. I didn't want to see the rejection I was so thoroughly convinced I would see on his face. "Look at me." He demanded urgently, his voice tinged with panic. Through tear filled eyes, I finally looked up at him. "I don't know what is going through your head, but it needs to end, right here and right now. I know that you are conflicted, I know that you have a tough decision to make and believe me, I understand why. Remember, I know what Jacob is and he's behaving according to his nature, trying to protect a member of his family, a member of his pack. " Jasper's grip became almost bruising as he sensed my mind frantically roaming to every dangerous scenario I could possibly think of… What if Jake came back? What if he brought the pack and tried to take me away by force? What if one of them got hurt? What if Jasper was hurt? Oh God! What am I doing?

"Stop it!" Jasper shouted as if my racing thoughts and feelings were physically hurting him. His arms went around me, crushing me to him as I desperately tried to remember how to breathe. He gently laid his forehead against mine, his sweet breath gently encouraging my every breath. When he spoke again, it was soft and low. "Bella, I'd never ask you to choose me over your family, but believe me now, I am not going to leave you. I am never going to hurt you. Trust your feelings for me. You know, better than anyone, what you are feeling, trust them. Don't let anyone else sway you or guilt you into a decision that you aren't sure you want to make. Have faith in yourself, have faith in me. Put your trust in me. Feel me. Feel what I feel for you." And with that, he filled every inch of my being with his feelings for me.

I was overcome with his love, his desire. I had never felt so complete, so fulfilled, so amazing, sexy and beautiful. It was beyond anything I could ever describe or put into words. My knees were weak, I gasped for air. Looking into his eyes, everything I felt was reflected in his beautiful golden gaze. I knew then, at that exact moment, I was where I was meant to be. My entire life had led me to this exact moment and I knew, without a doubt, that I did not want to be anywhere else.