"How is Tony?" Devon asked once Ziva was settled in her usual spot.
The Israeli frowned, not liking the direction the conversation was going, and this was only the first question. "He is better. Still very worn down from the fever and symptoms, but I hope the sleep will help."
"I'm sure it will," the doctor agreed, smiling warmly. "And how are you?"
Last night's revelation flashed through Ziva's thoughts, I love him. Eight hours later she had not changed her mind, but the admission would be too personal to admit to her therapist just now. It was still so new to her and Ziva needed some time to sort things out.
Skipping that part, Ziva tried to summarize how the last several days had affected her. "I am tired because I could not sleep well while Tony was sick. It was very hard to feel helpless when he was suffering so much. But," she shrugged her shoulders and sighed all at the same time, "it is still nice to know that when I go home, he will be there."
A different sort of light lit her patient's eyes and Dr. Andrews could tell that she was holding back. Something had changed, but it seemed that Ziva wasn't sharing. "Do you think that is telling you something?" she asked gently.
Ziva chewed on her bottom lip, then recognized the nervous habit and stopped immediately. She would never be one of those people who could not simply sit through an uncomfortable conversation without giving away how she was feeling. "I have not heard anything." She was being deliberately difficult and didn't even know why.
Devon lifted an eyebrow. "And I suppose you haven't seen anything either?" Was the women seriously blind to the way her partner affected her?
Ziva put on her best innocent look. "You will have to be more specific Doctor."
"Are you waiting for a sign from the heavens? Perhaps writing in the sky?" Dr. Andrews asked incredulously. "What more do you need as proof that you and Tony could really have something?"
Folding her hands, Ziva leaned back against the couch. "A sign would be nice."
Devon rolled her eyes towards the ceiling. I don't know if I have ever had a more stubborn case than her. Giving the point up as lost for now, she put a different spin on the next question. "Is there any tension between the two of you right now? It sounded like you were planning to give him the silent treatment for awhile."
Ziva almost laughed out loud when her doctor asked about tension. That morning she had opened her eyes to find that nothing had changed after three hours. Tony slept soundly with his arm still slung across her belly, and she lay pressed against him in order not to fall off the couch. It would've been comical if it hadn't been so complicated a process for her to move without waking her partner.
Tony hadn't been fully coherent when her movement disturbed him and glared at her indignantly, his expression clearly unimpressed that she'd moved. "I have to go to work," she told him and he pouted like a two year old before closing his eyes again and ignoring her. Ziva hadn't taken it personally, but his reaction was amusing. So no, tension not an issue.
She smiled to herself and then tried to answer. "I did...make us take a break for a week, but Tony is very hurt when I stay away and I cannot yet explain the thoughts in my head. So I returned for Movie night and Friday was a team night out, courtesy of Abby's determination. Sunday he took me to the pool and we played games in the afternoon, and then got called in for the case."
"Anything I need to know about from last week?" Devon pressed. She was certain there was a reason Ziva had avoided therapy.
Her eyes shifted down and to the left and Dr. Andrews wondered if her lie would be credible. "I believe last week went as well as can be expected, especially when we lived in the building for four days."
An expert at talking around a subject, this one. She should've been a diplomat. But Devon let it go, not ready to pry and run the risk of being shut out completely. "How about this weekend?"
Ziva's expression softened. "We had some good days, Tony and I, and it was nice that nothing got in the way. But then he was sick and last night he needed me," she held her hands out, palm up, "we have not had a chance to talk yet."
"In what way did he need you?" Devon inquired but Ziva didn't want to mar what was still a very sweet memory of falling asleep with Tony and knowing she was with the man she loved, so she completely ignored the question. Her therapist stared at her for several seconds and then flipped a page on her clipboard.
"Ziva, as much as I'd love to explore more of what is going on between you and that handsome partner of yours, I really think we need to get back to the reason you came to me in the first place." Ziva visibly tensed, but Devon pressed on. "Tell me about the nightmares."
Her eyes slid closed and Ziva felt herself drawn back in time - back to darkness and terror and pain and despair. Back, to the black hole that would never let her go. Back to Somalia, where so much still needed healing that she had no idea where to start. So she opened her mouth and let herself be honest, because she was so tired of being on guard.
NCIS
Tony spent the last couple days of the week sleeping on Ziva's couch and watching movies while she worked. Sometimes he got bored during the day, so Ziva left her laptop on the coffee table where he could reach it easily and play games or surf the web. But he still tired quickly and took frequent naps.
Friday night Ziva was later getting home than he'd expected, until he remembered the commitment she had three times a week. When she walked in the door, his partner was dressed in dark workout clothes which clearly showed the exertion she'd just put herself through.
He frowned and finally decided just to ask, it wasn't like he would get another chance. "Where do you go Ziva? She set her bag down and filled up her water bottle in the kitchen before returning to him. She sat at the far end of the couch and Tony waited. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Ziva spoke. "I have been going to a special private gym called Ops. It is run by a man who used to be in special forces and many of the patrons who use it are themselves training for classified missions." She shrugged. "They specialize in combat training, but can customize a program in any type of fighting or self defense or anything really."
Tony didn't get it. "You've been working out. Why is that such a big secret?"
Ziva sighed as if she'd already thought about this question many times before. "I do not know," she replied honestly. "At first I just wanted to do something to get better, and I did not tell anyone because they would have tried to talk me out of it. After that, it was simply easier to keep the secret. I guess it was just personal."
He couldn't argue with that. "Does it make you feel better, to go?" Tony asked.
"Yes," Ziva said without hesitation. "When things are not going right or I cannot make sense of the things in my head, Ops gives me a place to focus and work out the frustration. The owner, Duke, he is the one who called that night and made you jealous," she smiled when his expression tried to protest. "But he has become my friend and he makes sure I am careful." Ziva wished she could explain better. "The gym is a place where I know I am safe, and with the training I've done, it has made me feel strong and confident again." Her eyes hardened. "I could not stand one more day of feeling like a victim."
Tony wished she was close enough that he could hold her hand. "I'm glad," he told her sincerely, "I'm glad you have a place you can go like that and I'm glad there's someone else around to keep an eye on you." He relaxed back into the corner of the couch. "Any other secrets you want to share while we're at it?"
Ziva snorted. "Do not push your lunch."
He rolled his eyes. "It's 'luck' David, do not push your luck. Maybe they should teach English at this gym."
She glared playfully and Tony took it in stride and things went back to normal and stayed fairly surface level for the remainder of the evening. Tonight Ziva insisted Tony sit at the table to eat since he was feeling better, and she filled him in on the week.
They returned to the livingroom after dinner and Tony put on The Guardian, a serious movie he insisted was still worth the watch. They hadn't been sitting long before she felt Tony's hand move to rest on her bump. Being able to feel the movements was still a novelty, and he couldn't hide his smile when he encountered either a kick or the hit of a tiny fist.
Ziva smiled. Ever since the first time he felt her baby kick, he always wanted to be touching her belly, like he was afraid he was going to miss something. It had only been a week but she had already gotten used to this new thing. To her surprise, it seemed right somehow and she didn't mind a bit.
But that night a thought hit her and she remembered back to the time she told McGee that he and Abby were playing house. For the first time she realized that she and Tony were now doing the same thing, and she wished she'd tried harder to understand for her friend. Because no matter how much making a choice, deciding what she wanted sounded sensible, it was nowhere near as easy as she thought it should be.
They could be married. Though they had not dated, they'd spent the last months doing everything dating couples did - going out, spending time together, learning and growing closer. Now she often wore the hoody Tony had put on her last week that she'd never bothered to give back. When they were watching a movie she sat by his side and one of his hands was almost always on her body somewhere.
As if he read her mind, Tony started rubbing slow circles on her back and Ziva automatically leaned forward a bit to make it easier for him. He bit back a smile when he recognized that it was his sweatshirt she was wearing, the one from last Thursday. He hadn't been paying attention earlier when she changed.
For Ziva everything about the moment was normal and yet strange. Perfect if they had been a couple, but they weren't. Ziva glanced over at her partner, saw the slight smile on his face and felt his thumb caress her stomach occasionally. It hit her then that they could have this, they could have this comfort and this closeness all the time, permanently, if she would just let Tony be all that he wanted to be for her, for them.
In the middle of all her thoughts, Tony paused the movie and eyed the dark hair hanging loose around her shoulders. "Zi, can I braid your hair?"
Startled, Ziva immediately shook her head. She could not handle anymore intimacy with him this night. "Not this time Tony," she said slowly, avoiding his eyes so she wouldn't have to feel guilty about his hurt or confusion. "Let us just finish the film and go to bed."
Tony looked at her for a long moment, trying to read what she was keeping from him. But his partner could always shield her thoughts at will, especially if she wouldn't let him see her eyes. Feeling a bit shut down with no explanation, Tony sighed and pressed play.
Swallowing hard, Ziva focused back on the movie. She couldn't let him in any further and her thoughts swirled, trying to find an answer. Not yet, not yet, not yet, her mind rebelled, sending her defenses back up as high as they could go. But why? her heart begged, wanting what she already had and wanting it for good. With no answer for either the logical or emotional part of her, Ziva pretended she hadn't heard the questions and tried to think of anything else. But they haunted her just the same, and she was quieter that night than she had been in a long time.
NCIS
Saturday Tony was finally okay to go back to his own apartment. He said goodbye at the door and kissed Ziva's cheek, his heart getting heavier with each step he took away from her. Walking into the place he'd made his own for almost four years, Tony was struck by a feeling of emptiness. His apartment felt foreign to him, too quiet after a week of living at Ziva's.
He immediately missed the warmth and comfort of having her there, just sharing the same space. But it was the night he'd held her that continued to be the memory to haunt him. Tony could still count on only slightly more than one hand the number of times he'd actually held her in his arms all night.
There had been the last three nights of her two week stay, once after she'd told him she was pregnant, one time over the weekend he'd refused to leave her alone, and just two days ago, after waking from his dream and needing her near. Six times total in four and a half months.
Tony sighed, dragging his hands through his hair as he surveyed his undisturbed livingroom and the dark hallway leading down to his bedroom. He wanted her here. He wanted her with him all the time. A few times a week wasn't cutting it anymore. He needed her, why couldn't she see that?
The silence had no answer for him and Tony could think of only one thing to do that would help. Bringing his laptop with him, he walked back to his room and settled comfortably on the bed he hadn't slept on in a week. Tony reached under his pillow and pulled out the small, blue velvet box that, at the moment, contained all of his hopes and dreams. Cracking it open, Tony smiled faintly at the beautiful ring he'd been imagining on Ziva's finger. He set it on the bed, turned on his computer and quickly saved a new document to his favourite folder.
I just walked into my apartment after spending a week at yours Ziva, and I can tell you for sure that this place doesn't feel like home anymore. Sure my stuff is here and I've spent four years putting my mark on it, but after sharing a space with you for so many days, I realize that home for me now will always mean a place where we're together.
Rolling his eyes at how corny the truth sounded, Tony continued.
Do you think that someday you could love me Ziva? Will you ever need me the way I need you? I'm sitting here all alone and it hurts because I'd rather be sitting with you, even if we weren't doing anything, even if you were studying and I was watching a movie or making dinner. I'd give anything for 'us' to be more than just one of my dreams.
Moving on from the subject of missing her, Tony smiled as he remembered Wednesday night.
I talked to your baby the other night Zi, while you were sleeping. Not out loud of course, I wish I could but you're not ready to hear the stuff I'm thinking. That time we spent together on the couch, just the three of us, no awkwardness or tension or barriers...it was honest Ziva, and I wish we could have that all the time.
Tony shook his head and sighed, needing wrap it up before he got even more emotional.
Anyways, I'm here and I miss you and I just wanted a way to connect with you. I can't wait for the day you're wearing my ring Ninja. Remember that I love you, even if you don't know yet. T.
It was sappy and on the verge of pathetic, but he saved the document anyways and thought about trying to make something for lunch. Suddenly though Tony was very tired and a little chilled. He set the thermostat for toasty warm and crawled under the covers, wrapping his fingers around the jewellery store box. It was a good way to dream.
NCIS
It was music to his ears when he answered the phone several hours later and heard Ziva's voice replying to his hello. "Hey Ninja, miss me already?" he quipped, hoping the answer was yes.
"No." She sounded tired. "I have been too busy studying to miss anything except supper."
"Gotta take care of yourself Zi," Tony put in, immediately feeling concern. "Want to come over and I'll cook?"
Ziva chuckled. "Have you looked out the window recently Tony? It is snowing too hard for me to want to drive anywhere."
"Oh." The one word held all his disappointment. "So I guess we're walking to the pool tomorrow?"
"Well," Ziva hedged, " that is the reason I called. I do not think you should come tomorrow." His stunned silence made her hasten the explanation. "You are only just now feeling better after a week on my couch. You should rest It would not do to get sick again."
"Don't want me back, huh?" He tried to joke, but Tony's spirits were falling fast.
"I do not have anymore clean sheets," Ziva informed her partner with a smile in her voice.
"In that case, I guess I will sleep in," Tony said quietly, without much enthusiasm. "See you Monday?"
"You had better. Gibbs may not spare your head if you do not come in."
"Wouldn't want that." He paused like he wanted to say something else, but then didn't. "Goodnight Zi."
"Sleep well Tony."
They both hung up feeling like something was missing. Unused to being alone, it took Tony and Ziva extra time to fall asleep as they ignored the feelings from their hearts, trying to tug them close together. Only time would tell if they were ready to listen.
NCIS
Ziva stared out the window for a long time Sunday morning, debating about whether she wanted to brave the snow all by herself and walk to the pool. In the end she did not want it to seem like she could not function without Tony. So she stubbornly pushed through the calf deep snow and drowned her tumbling thoughts in the comforting exertion of fighting the warm water at the pool for length after length.
On purpose she did not even glance towards the empty chairs along the wall. She dried her hair fully and braided her pontyail before tucking it all up in the hood of Tony's sweatshirt, and walked quickly back to her building. At the diner Ziva hesitated, then stepped resolutely inside to continue her show of not needing Tony to be her shadow.
But Helen asked about her young man and Ziva stared across the table, lonely and bored without the company her partner provided, not to mention the banter they usually swapped and sharing their respective breakfasts without hesitation. She didn't last long, taking most of her food home.
Three hours later she was failing miserably at concentrating on her study materials when the phone rang. Remembering a Sunday two weeks ago, she snatched it up, prepared for the worst. "David."
Tony coughed away from the phone and grinned. "At ease Zee-vah, it's just me."
Ziva rolled her eyes. "Tony." He didn't say anything and she sighed. "Did you call just to listen to me breathe?"
"As nice as that is, I was actually hoping for company. Can you come over Ziva, please?" Something that sounded suspiciously like a whine slipped into his voice. "I'm bored and lonely and...bored," Tony finished lamely, not about to admit that he was also in Ziva withdrawl, having been around her an awful lot the last few days.
Ziva's exasperation could almost be felt through the phone line. "Tony, I have to-"
"Study, I know," he cut her off. "So bring everything with you and I'll quiz you on it, okay?" She didn't respond and he resorted to begging. "Please Zi? I'm dying here. Boredom can actually be fatal. And...maybe we'll have time for Bond later."
"You are in charge of supper," Ziva said at last, giving in gracefully rather than be badgered into submission. "I want spaghetti."
His excitement was palpable. "Your wish is my command fair lady. See you in twenty minutes?"
"If my car is not buried."
"If it is, call me and I'll come get you. I could use the exercise of digging my car out anyways."
"Fine. Goodbye."
"Bye."
Okay, so she wasn't totally thrilled, but now he was guaranteed a whole afternoon of her company and Tony was sure he could come up with some ways to make her studying more fun. Then supper and a movie to end the day. Contentment seeped back in and Tony smiled. Time with Ziva, no matter what they were doing, worked for him. It was going to be a good day after all.