"Ringlets, stop giving me dese." Lefty pushed a bundle of old dresses into the Ringlets' arms.
"Yeah, she's not fat--yet" Asia smirked as Taylor and Lefty rolled their eyes.
"Don't listen to her" Taylor said to both the pouting Ringlets and Lefty, "you just take advantage of dose curves you're getting" she continued to Lefty, smacking her hip lightly.
"You call dis a curve?" Lefty asked laughing, putting a hand over to middle. She was almost five months along now, and the baby was actually beginning to show. Taylor had said it was common for first time mothers not to show until later, but with Lefty it was absurd. She had always been like a rail, with no real shape save for her tiny waist. Both Taylor and the doctor were concerned about her hips being to narrow for birth, and her body to thin to carry a healthy child. So Lefty was advised to stay inside and eat as much as possible, a command she found incredibly difficult to obey. She had never had much of an appetite, even before she was pregnant, and now with her constant morning sickness and fevers Lefty found she could barely even stand the smell of food. She'd stopped wearing tight dresses and corsets almost immediately after she'd found out she was pregnant, but was still able to fit into her regular clothes with any problems. Ringelts and Taylor were always with her, offering to start making baby clothes and give her their old dresses for maternity wear.
When Lefty tired of listening to them chatter about her health, she would go home and wait for Race to come back from work, so he could kiss her and spoil her and tell her she was the most beautiful pregnant girl he'd ever seen. It helped her cope with her ever present fear. Pushing that to the back of her mind Lefty looked over at Cray, who was draped leisurely over a chair, watching them all.
"An what about you?" she asked, dropping the heap of clothes into a basket. Cray raised an eyebrow.
"What about me?" she retorted, sitting up and looking at all four girls.
"Yeah, what about her? Why do we care about her?" Asia hoisted herself up onto a top bunk and looked down at Cray, sneering.
"Because all she's been doin for da past few weeks has been sitting around and sulking" Ringlets said, folding the clothes Lefty had dropped in the basket. Asia pouted.
"Aw, what is it Cray? Boy trouble?" Cray opened her mouth, but Taylor sailed over her words before they had reached Asia's ears.
"Alright, leave her alone. It's you who's been sulkin Asia" Cray tuned out, glad that Taylor had stepped in and prevented the conversation from continuing. She knew that all the girls had noticed her recent petulance, her moping and sulking. Half of the time she had wondered why they weren't concerned about her, but then when they were she was annoyed and pushed them away. She new she really had no right to be so depressed, after all it was really only Lefty who's mood swings could be justified. But Cray was mad at everything, at Will, at Lefty, at herself. Being angry at herself was the worst thing; the old familiar feeling was never healthy and she had been careful to avoid it since she left the Home of the White Rose. But since Lefty got pregnant she was never around for her, never there to listen to her problems or give her advice. Race and all the other girls were always fawning after Lefty, and Cray was expected, as the best friend, to do the same. But Cray had no interest in Lefty's problems, mainly because she couldn't imagine that she had any. Cray had too much boiling up inside of her that was waiting to get out, and most of her time was spend working on self control so she didn't burst out screaming in front of everyone. But then again, she was never one to scream and cry alone, either.
"Cray," Lefty sat down next to her.
"Yeah" Cray snapped, immediately wishing she could force the vicious tone out of her voice.
"Why don't you come ovah tonight?" Cray blinked. She hadn't been inside of Lefty's flat for almost three months. She had begun to forget what it looked like.
"Really?" Lefty nodded and smiled; Cray's voice held definite hints of elation. Cray must have detected this because she quickly contorted her face to look sceptical.
"What about Race?" she asked. Lefty grinned.
"I can get rid of him"
"Get rid of who?" Always on cue, Race entered the room, surveying them all with a lopsided grin.
"Get rid of you, I hope" Taylor shouted from the back, not having heard Lefty and Cray's conversation.
"Ah, Taylor's in a good mood today!" Race said to Ringlets, who giggled and hit him playfully with a shirt. Race smirked at Asia, who rolled her eyes.
"Dunno how ya do it Lefty" she said with a sigh.
"Do what?" Lefty called, leaning her head against the bunk.
"Live wit dis kid" Asia responded, before disappearing into the washroom.
"She manages" Race called after her, before giving Lefty a peck on the cheek and flopping down on the floor. With Taylor it was a rarity for boys to even be allowed upstairs in the girls' bunkroom, but Race had gained what seemed to be eternal access ever since Lefty's first "night-spell". What Ringelts called night-spells was when Lefty woke up in the middle of the night, dizzy and delirious, burning with fever and calling out for people no one had heard of before. Cray could never understand why the baby inside of her was causing so much pain; children were supposed to be a blessing not a curse. That was another thing Cray wanted to talk to Lefty about, among many others.
"So who are we getting rid of?" Race asked, looking around at the girls brightly.
"You" Lefty said quickly, accepting yet another basket of clothes from Ringelts.
"Deah me, why would ya wanna do a ting like dat?"
"Because Cray's comin 'round for--coffee" Lefty responded, after receiving no indication of interest from Cray herself. She was just staring at her, uninterestedly.
"I like coffee" Race said cheerfully to no one in particular.
"Well you can have it at Tibby's den, cuz I don't wanna see so much as ya liddle blue hat at home tonight" Lefty stood up and pushed the basket of clothes into her husband's arms.
"Yep, dat's it Lefty, dat's da stuff you say to keep your marriage happy," Asia said, coming out of the washroom with a new layer of make-up on her face, "what a great role model you are to all da rest of us less…settled goils."
Lefty gave Race a quick kiss on the nose and Taylor gave him a little shove towards the door.
"Don't you have someweah ta be, Higgins?" she asked.
"Like weah?"
"Like, oh I don't know, da tracks maybe?" although it was February and Sheepshead Races was closed, Race still went in to do odd jobs and paperwork.
"Nah, I left befoah lunch, and besides can't I stay in heah wid you guys? It's so cold out deah" Cray glanced out the window. The sky was rapidly darkening and a light snow was falling.
"An since I'm being deprived of my goil's company for da night, shouldn't I be allowed to spend as much time wid her as possible now?" Lefty rolled her eyes at Taylor, who looked at Race with exasperation. Ever since Lefty had gotten pregnant the two of them had been at war over whose job it was to take care of her. Lefty never interjected--she didn't really care who it was as long a she wasn't alone, but Race had been suffocating her with attention for the past week and she would have liked nothing better than for Taylor to make him take a good long walk in the snow.
"Race, why don't ya walk me and Asia ovah ta da Lodgin' House, we wanna see our boys" Ringlets asked, sensing danger and knowing exactly how to quell it.
"But take dose clothes home first!" Lefty called from the floor as Asia and Ringlets helped Race out of the room, blowing kisses as they went. Lefty yawned as she heard the door close.
"Well, lost three insteada one! Whadda ya tink about dat?" Taylor said loudly as she bustled around the bunkroom, picking up random shoes and ribbons that had been carelessly tossed aside. Cray looked at Lefty with a weary smile.
"What time is it Taylah?" she asked. The tall girl poked around for a watch and found one on a bedside table.
"Oh about quatah past five, why?" Taylor answered
"Well I'se jus thinkin' dat a pretty goil like you wid a boyfriend like Cowboy…an it's such a romantic night you know wid da snow an everything…" Cray's voice trailed off as she looked at Lefty, grinning faintly. Taylor stopped her bustling and looked at herself in the mirror, patting her loose bun.
"Oh Cray, you know I can't leave Left--"
"Come on Taylor ya think I'm gonna have da baby now? I'm fine; go out an have a good time fa me."
It took another half an hour of coaxing before Taylor made it across the street to see Jack. Cray and Lefty both sighed with relief as they watched her trudge to the Boys' Lodging House from the window.
"So am I really comin ovah your place for coffee?" Cray asked. Lefty shuddered.
"Come to think of it I'd ratha jus stay heah dan walk outside in da snow," she said, wrapping her shawl more tightly around her shoulders and moving away from the window, "let's jus light a few more candles--do ya think dere's any food around heah?" Pretty soon both of them were back on the floor between they're old bunks, candles lit on every surface, and small feast off day old bread, apples, and left-over Christmas chocolate to share. After an hour or so of girlish gossip, swapping tales of pillow talk, corsets and rouge, as only best friends can, Cray stared at Lefty through the dwindling candlelight.
"God Lefty, were have you gone?" Lefty stared back at her with an expression of utter disbelief.
"Gone? I haven't left this Lodging House it seems for a thousand years! I've been here, watching you sulk and keep secrets from me…Jesus Cray, you've been so--"
"So what, Lefty so what? Sad, unhappy? Maybe you've forgotten what that's like, I suppose ya would since da minute you ask for something it's dere before the last word leaves ya mouth" Cray regretted the words and felt tears come the moment she'd spoken them. As she had so many times before Lefty silently forgave her, and wrapped her arms around Cray.
"Tell me Cray, tell me please, I promise you'll feel better if you do, I promise. You weren't heah when I needed you Cray, you weren't! You weren't even dere for da party Jack gave Race an me aftah we told everybody about da baby…Will was, you weren't. And then fa da past three months we don't see you, an I wanted to Cray, I did, I didn't want Taylor taking my temperature every five seconds or Ringelts showin me how ta knit little socks an hats and things…I wanted you, I wanted you ta make me feel like I wasn't suddenly all grown up and full of responsibility, I wanted you ta go out on da town wid me, maybe Race too, and Spot, I even wanted ta see Spot can you believe it? No one's seen him around dis side a da bridge forevah, he only knows about da baby cuz Race ran into him at da tracks an…c'mon Cray, weah did you go?"
By now both of them were crying, holding on to each other tightly. Minutes past before Cray wiped a tear off her chin and spoke.
"I nevah got ta tell anyone about Will…I meant to, I wanted to, but I nevah got to."
"Why Cray? What happened"
"I saw Spot, rememba dat morning aftah you found out about da baby, and you an Race came in ta Tibby's an we left right after we saw you? Spot was outside, jus den, and Will was right dere an I just couldn't…"
"Couldn't what Cray?" Lefty asked urgently. Cray let out a strangled cry.
"I couldn't deal wid it, I couldn't deal wid Spot an Will at da same time, it was jus too much an I…ran." She stared ahead while Lefty listened, knowing she would hear more without asking.
"I ran and I didn't know weah ta go, I'd been avoiding Spot fa so long, tellin his boys I was sick, but he's smahtah dan dat, an I think somehow he knew I was with someone else. At foist I didn't even think about him, about Spot. I was half-drunk an half sick wid happiness dat someone like Will would love me, doity liddle me, but he did. He loved me an I loved his love fa me. I'd nevah, evah had someone treat me like he did. Like I was worth something precious, like I wasn't some trashy whore."
"Oh Cray, you're not--"
"
"Well it's not like I've evah been told I'm anything more. An I was so angry at Spot, an--"
"Why Cray," Lefty interrupted again, "why were you angry at Spot? What happened? Dat's what we'd all like ta know. All a da sudden he's nevah around, an we all knew he was havin trouble at da barracks but dat nevah kept him away fa so long befoah" Cray sighed.
"It was…" Julienne. It was Julienne, but Cray was too ashamed to admit that the filthy little blonde girl had infuriated her so much. All her life Cray had thought herself superior to Julienne, more elegant, more beautiful, even more intelligent. Hadn't she always been Ray's favourite? But ever since that night in long island, ever since her jealousy of Spot's closeness to her had boiled out of control, she'd been forced to face the truth, no matter how much she pushed it out of her mind. Julienne had something she never would have, and Cray felt belittled by the thought of her and humiliated by her memories of the insult and pain she'd forced Julienne to endure.
"It was jus dat I'd gotten tired of takin a back seat ta Brooklyn, I didn't want ta be his accessory any moah." Lefty seemed taken aback.
"Everyone always said you were da longest he'd evah been out a goil, wid one goil, at least. Jack swore you'd be da one ta change Spot into a respectable guy, you know, rid him of his sex and cigarette days." Cray snorted. As if Spot would ever be rid of his addiction to those two things.
"Spot will nevah change Lefty, lemme tell ya. Eitha you conform ta his lifestyle, or you can get da hell out." She said coldly.
"And dat's what you did?" Lefty asked calmly, leaning her head against Cray's shoulder.
"Yeah, I guess dat's what I did." Cray answered, softening her tone a bit, "but I didn't botha ta tell him, he didn't need ta be told. I didn't think he'd miss me as long as he had Ju--Brooklyn and his udda whores fa company. Maybe I did cheat on him, but I'll be damned if he didn't cozy right back up to some udda goil as soon as I'd left town." Lefty shook her head.
"I still don't know how ya did it Cray. Slippin off wid Will right unda Spot's nose…he musta wanted ta see you at some point, he wouldn't have just abandoned you" Lefty's tone made her doubt of Cray's story transparent, but she knew the whole truth was bound to come to her sooner or later, even if it wasn't from Cray.
"Yeah, it was fun at foist," Cray recalled with a small, fond smile, "I jut let meself forget about Spot for a while, an we had so much fun togedda Lefty, me an Will."
"He's a darling" Lefty said, nodding and lighting another candle.
"Yeah, he is. But it jus became too hahd, I missed Brooklyn, not jus Spot but da city it self, an I was always scared dat I'd wander ovah dere one night an see Spot or one a his boys."
"An you still haven't talked ta Spot?" Lefty asked. Cray shook her red, curly head.
"Nah, not him or Will. I've seen Will around, but its jus not like it was." It certainly wasn't like it was, that was for sure. Cray would see Will on the street, or in a restaurant, an he'd smile and try to make some sort of contact, but she'd just wave briskly and leave as soon as she could. The last time she had actually talked to him was when she'd seen Spot outside Tibby's and had run from the scene, leaving them both to stand and gape at each other. Much later on that night she physically bumped into Will on the street, and he had put his arms around her tightly, but not affectionately, not letting her go, and insisting that she tell him what was going on. He was angry and Cray hated herself for being the cause of his anguish, for being the reason his calm and sweet demeanour had been damaged.
"You knew I had a past, you knew that this had to be a secret" she had told him as he held her against a brick wall.
"And you never told me why!" Will had hissed desperately, "all this time we I had, what we had, could have ended if you saw the wrong person, or I said the wrong thing! Jesus Christ Cray, I guess I should be glad we kept what we had for as long as we did, if such a little thing could tear it apart" Cray hated the way he said what we "had". She felt that he still cared for her, she saw it burning in his angry eyes, but she knew he wouldn't have her back unless she told him everything, which was something she knew she would never do.
"I told Will I'd see him around, but not ta come lookin fa me anyweah." Cray said, coming back to reality and wiping a tear off her face that she hadn't realized was there.
"But den why was he had our pahty, da one Jack gave Race an I fa da baby. Will was dere, Cray, an you weren't." Cray sighed. She had hoped Lefty would have forgotten about that. Cray wondered if her absence had hurt Lefty so badly that she would never forget it.
The truth was that on that night, only about a week after her confrontation with Will and Spot on the street, she'd seen Julienne. Cray was stumbling out of a bar in Queens after an afternoon drink, when she'd seen her, smoking on the fire-escape of a factory across the street. All of her anger towards Julienne boiled in her blood and mixed itself with the seven glasses of gin that Cray had poured into herself. In her daze she saw Julienne to be reason for all of her miseries, her internal fight with Spot and her loosing Will, too. So she had tripped her way across the street and stood outside the building, squinting up to see Julienne lounging over the iron rail.
"Hey, Julienne!" Cray had called. The small girl exhaled a long stream of smoke and looked casually over the rail down to the street, raising an eyebrow when she saw Cray.
"Hey gingah, come ta bum a smoke?" Julienne called before dropping her lighted cigarette down to where Cray was standing. Cray had luckily stumbled in her drunken stupor and miss the cigarette falling into her hair by an inch.
"Fuck off Julienne, weah's Spot?" Cray yelled. Julienne looked bemused. The last time she'd seen Cray was when she was in Tibby's with Aly and Desiree, planning their escape to Chicago. She knew the two girls had left the city, and sadly Cray hadn't gone with them. She could almost smell the alcohol reeking off Cray from where she was sitting, and knew if she wanted too she could make Cray's head spin with all of the jealously that Julienne knew lay towards her beneath the surface of Cray's shallow emotions.
"Cray, why ain't ya in 'Hatty? I hoid dere's a pahty tonight, dat pretty liddle friend a yours is havin Racetrack Higgins' baby, ain't she? If ya gotta drink Cray, do it ovah dere, not ovah heah weah no one's gonna clean up afta yous if ya throw it up." Cray's head spun as she mounted ladder leading up to where Julienne was perched.
"Aw don't do dat Cray, I jus took a bath. I don't want you stinkin up all my clean clothes." Cray gave a silly laugh and climbed up two more fire escapes.
"Julienne you've nevah taken a bath in your life. Ya so used ta livin in filth dat you wouldn't even know what bein clean feels like" Julienne snickered.
"Dere's all different kinds a filth Cray, and da kind you're wallowin' in takes a lot more dan soap ta clean off" she searched her faded clothes for another cigarette as Cray climbed into her fire escape.
"Now yous got me really angry Cray, ya've made me waste me last smoke" Julienne crossed her arms and looked up at her old nemesis's face. It had taken her a while to get used to looking at Cray without five pounds of make-up on her face. Now she didn't even have any lipstick for her to smudge off her lips.
"Whadda ya want Cray, ya wanna see Spot? Haven't seen him in a while have ya?" Julienne purposely made it sound like she knew something about Spot that Cray didn't, even though she herself hadn't seen Spot for about two weeks.
"Julienne, I don't undastand why ya nevah woiked fa Ray, ya such a good liddle whore--" Before Cray knew it Julienne dirty fist had hit her hard on the cheek, and she was out cold lying face down on the metal gratings of the fire escape.
"You're shit Cray, an dat's all you'll evah be" Julienne said softly, before climbing down the fire escapes to the street below. It was early evening when Cray came too, and she climbed groggily down from the building, fingers pressing softly against the shiner on her face. Walking back towards Manhattan she'd seen a familiar figure standing alone under a lamppost. Moving as fast as she could she went over to that figure, putting a hand on his shoulder and spinning him around.
"Will, I need you to--"
"Cray?" Will had jumped in surprise at the sight of her, "what happened to your--"
"Will, go ta da Boys' Lodgin House in Manhattan, I'll meet you dere" she told him, knowing full well that she would never make it there that night.
"But why--"
"It's Lefty's pahty, fa da baby, don't tink we should go an wish her well?" Cray knew it was wrong, making him think that there might be a chance they could rekindle their relationship, that she might tell him the truth about herself. But she felt too dizzy to go to any parties that night, and at least Lefty would get another congratulations from Will, and Cray had doubted she would notice that she herself wasn't there. So she'd sent Will off alone, spending the night sleeping off her hangover and her injury alone in a small tavern.
"I…I wasn't feelin so good dat night, I really wasn't Lefty, so I sent Will in my place" Cray told Lefty after several minutes of silence.
"But, he said you'd be comin, he looked so happy, I thought you two were gonna be back together" Cray sighed.
"Well, we weren't. An I haven't really talked to Will since." Lefty shook her head and leaned in close to Cray. The two of them huddled closely together for hours, trying to keep warm, until Lefty finally fell asleep and Cray blew out all the candles, save one.
It was very late when the other girls finally came back to the Lodging House, all giggling quietly. Taylor found Cray and Lefty together in the far corner of the room, Cray just nodding off. She grabbed some extra thick blanket and two scarves, and bundled up Lefty tightly in them. She moved Cray to her bunk and put on her coat, before picking up Lefty carefully in her arms. Slowly she walked outside and down the three blocks to the Higgins apartment. She knocked twice on the door, and it was opened by a tired-eyed Race.
"Ya jus get home Race?" Taylor whispered, transferring Lefty from her arms to his.
"Yeah, only a minute ago" he answered, looking down at Lefty's sleeping face. He wondered what she was dreaming about.
"I guess she an Cray nevah left da Lodgin House, dey were dere when I got back" Race nodded an tipped his hat to Taylor, who shut the door behind her as she left. Race sat down at the kitchen table, Lefty still asleep in his lap, and began pulling the layers off blankets and other winter clothes off of her, dropping them into the basket of maternity clothes that he had left by the stove. Lefty still had a pair of mittens on her little hands and the last scarf tied about her neck, when Race felt something very strange. He put his hand on her round middle, and his mouth fell open as he felt his baby kick out against his hand.
"Lefty! Lefty!" he whispered urgently, shaking her gently. Her eyes opened and she picked her head off his shoulder slightly.
"What? What's goin on?" her dark eyes focused on Race's smiling face.
"Lefty, Lefty, oh dahlin', dere really is a baby in dere!" he said kissing her neck, and pulling one of the mittens off her hand and pressing it against her own abdomen. Lefty said nothing, only smiled and moved her hand in a little circular motions her middle. She fell asleep again moments later, and Race just sat there for hours, rocking his family back and forth.