Author: I'm so sorry for the late post. I have family in town, and you all know what that means. No free time! As always, thanks for reading!
The realtor slid the papers across his desk to Anna.
"Just sign here and we'll get you on the MLS today. Someone will be by the house this afternoon to put a sign up in your yard. I don't anticipate it taking very long to sell."
Anna pulled the papers over in front of her. She glanced over at two very different expressions on the kids who sat in chairs against the wall. Eric had a smug grin on his face, all for the move, while Jenny glared at her angrily with her arms crossed.
She looked back over at the realtor who just smiled, glad for the business. He had no idea why they were selling and moving back to the mainland, and didn't ask. It was going to be easy money. The place would sell quickly with little effort on his part.
Anna scribbled her name on the paper, telling herself again she was doing the right thing. She couldn't live next to Steve once he came back, it would just be too hard.
The realtor took the papers back and tapped them gently on the desk getting them in a neat order. "That's it. I'll be in touch. It shouldn't be long."
"Thank you, Adam" Anna replied standing up as he did the same. She reached her hand across and shook his hand that was extended.
"Eric," Adam replied, "I can't say that Billy will be happy about this. He was pretty bummed that you missed the camping trip but when he hears you're moving to the mainland…well, we're sad to see you go. We'll have to have a couple of sleepovers before you go."
Anna cringed with the mention of the camping trip, knowing he just added fuel to a smoldering fire. "A sleepover would be great," she quickly replied hoping to divert the subject.
"I was supposed to go on that camping trip," Eric replied bitterly, "but this stupid guy ditched me."
"Shut up!" Jenny blasted him. "He's not stupid!"
"Yes he is! You don't even know what happened, so you shut up!"
Anna glared at the two of them. "Stop it."
"He's saying mean stuff about Steve," Jenny blurted out.
"True stuff," Eric replied.
"Shut up!" Jenny yelled.
"You shut…"
"I said that's enough!" she growled, letting them both know by the look and tone of her voice, that she meant it.
Both of them crossed their arms stubbornly.
Anna looked back over at Adam sheepishly. "I'm sorry."
"It's ok." He was beginning to understand the move was because of a break up, knowing the situation of the kids and that Anna was their Aunt not their mom.
She picked up her purse, "Let's go," she glared at the two of them, trying to quickly shuffle them out of the office before another incident.
The ride home wasn't any better.
Eric sat in the backseat behind Anna with Jenny in the seat next to him.
She looked in the rearview mirror at both of them. "What do you want for dinner?"
Jenny didn't reply but stared angrily out the window, not wanting to talk to either of them. She didn't understand why they wanted to move away from Steve. Even though he and Anna weren't getting married anymore he was still her friend. The thought of leaving him saddened and scared her. She knew why she was going to miss him, but was too young to realize that he'd become more than a friend to her in her father's absence, he was his substitute.
"I want pizza," Eric said.
"What about you Jenny?" Anna asked, looking over her shoulder at her.
She didn't reply.
"I don't know why you're so mad," Eric said to her, "California has Disneyland. We can go all the time."
Anna felt that all familiar pain in her chest over that remark, recalling a happier time with Steve when he suggested they go to Disneyland for Christmas that year.
"I don't want to go to stupid Disneyland," Jenny replied. "I want to live here!" She sat up in her seat, trying to see Anna's eyes in the rearview mirror, attempting to change her mind once again. "Steve will be so sad if he comes home from his trip and we are gone."
"No he won't," Eric said, "he'll be happy."
"He will not!" she shouted. "You don't know anything. He promised me we could see each other again. He told me so."
Eric started to laugh. "You're so stupid. He promised me stuff too. He's a big fat liar! He was probably lying to you just like he lied to me."
"He wasn't lying!" Jenny yelled, feeling her temper igniting over her frustration of the move and her need to defend him. "He never lies!"
Eric laughed again. "He lied all the time, didn't he Anna?"
"Stop it Eric," she said to him.
"Its true." He looked over at Jenny again. "He didn't go away," he confessed to her. "They took him away because he was a liar and took drugs!"
"Eric!" Anna yelled, "I said that's enough!"
"It's true and you know it! He tried to hurt you." He looked at his little sister's stunned expression over the things he was saying. The anger he felt over the betrayal from Steve fueled his over exaggerated imagination of what actually happened that day. "He chased her and tried to hit her. He was going to beat her up. He should go to jail!"
"Eric!" Anna yelled but it was too late.
Jenny's anger reached a new level as she undid her seatbelt.
Eric put his hands up to protect himself as the little girl sitting next to him suddenly became this vicious creature that he'd never seen before. Her fists were flying at him, coming from all directions as she screamed the word liar at him over and over.
"Jenny!" Anna yelled, trying to reach in the backseat and grab her as she drove at the same time. She gave up and quickly pulled off onto a side street.
"Get off me!" Eric pushed her away as she fell on the floor in front of her seat. She went to get up when he held her down with his foot, all the while she kicked and reached for him.
Anna opened the back door of the car seeing the fight between them. "Eric, stop!" she yelled, pushing his foot out of the way as she grabbed Jenny at the same time, dragging her out of the car. "Jenny, calm down," she said as the child continued to fight her, trying to get at her brother.
She pulled her towards the back and then held her closely against her body as she began to calm.
"I hate him," she cried. "I hate him!"
"Shhh," Anna consoled her. "It's ok."
"He's a big fat liar!" The tears came next as she looked up at her. "Steve doesn't hurt people. He wouldn't hit you."
Anna shook her head. "No, you're right, he wouldn't. He would never do that."
"Why does he say stuff like that about him?" she sniffed, wiping the back of her hand across her nose.
Anna squatted down in front of her, "He's angry with him is all. Steve made some mistakes and …" she stopped there, not finding it necessary that Jenny see him other than what he was in her eyes. What was the point? "He just made some mistakes is all."
"Where is he? Eric said they took him away. Where did he go? Is he coming back? He promised me we would see each other again."
She had to tell her something, so she got as close to the truth as she could without actually telling her everything. "He's in a special place that helps people when they can't help themselves."
Jenny looked at her as if that made no sense at all. "Where is that?"
"It's kind of like a hospital, but not really. Steve just had some extra problems after the helicopter crash and they are helping him through it is all."
She slightly understood now, knowing how badly he was hurt when the helicopter crashed on him. "Can I go see him like when he was in the hospital before?" she asked hopeful.
"No, honey," Anna shook her head. "Not this time."
She didn't like that answer as the stubborn attitude returned. "I'm not moving! I'm going to stay here and live with him." She said it like it was written in stone, but she also knew it was impossible to leave Eric and Anna. Her bottom lip began to quiver over the frustration and hurt she felt over the last couple of weeks that had been building and building. "Don't make us go Anna," she began to cry, "please." She fell into her and began to sob. "Don't make us go."
She held onto her feeling the guilt that was associated with her pleading. She didn't want to go either, she loved Hawaii, but living there wasn't the answer either. But she did decide that she wouldn't make the move without Jenny getting a chance to see him once more before they left. She couldn't do that to her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Day nine…
Emily keeps rolling over me like a truck. Opened my eyes. I need to lean on people. I guess I'm selfish that way. I miss Anna. I miss Jenny. Eric hates me….I miss Eric. Anna hates me. How did I let that happen? I still love her. She hates me.
He stared at those last three words before closing the journal. They stung reading them just as much as they did writing them, but he felt he had to acknowledge it and face what he'd done to her and that family. They'd already been through so much the past year and now this. How would he ever make it up to them? There were no words that came to mind to justify his actions. "Sorry" meant nothing more than just a cliché; it wouldn't do justice this time, not even close. He was beyond apologies. The only way back in was to get on his knees and beg, or to prove to them that he was worthy. At the moment his ego wasn't above either of them.
He lay down in his bed and rolled over looking out the window at the mountains in the distance; the three-quarter moon shown just enough in the clear sky that he could make out the ridges. He wished he could fall asleep and wake up in Anna's bed with her lying next to him, wishing all of this was just a bad dream.
He closed his eyes, accepting his fate as it stood, putting him where he was. He was there because he'd been weak, picturing the three of them sitting around the kitchen table having dinner and his chair empty. He wondered if they had already forgotten about him and moved on. Anna was beautiful; she could find someone else to replace him with little effort. It broke his heart to think of her with someone else, but he had no reason to sulk over it, he had put her in that position. It hurt even more thinking what he'd done to Jenny and Eric.
He closed his eyes and tried to picture a happier scene when all of them had been together. It was a comforting vision as he silently prayed that he might still have a chance with her. He slowly drifted off being completely of his own sound and mind; it was catch-22 being drug free. He could feel his body healing and getting stronger but at the same time he had to deal with the aftermath of what he had done to everyone in his life. That made him frail from the inside out.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Steve sat a table by himself in the dining room along with half a dozen others who were there eating breakfast as well. It wasn't necessarily a place you wanted to socialize, most reeling over their restless night in bed or just consumed with their own thoughts of fighting off the cravings that could pounce on you at a moments notice.
Steve was no exception that morning. He stared at the plate of eggs and french toast in front of him, knowing he needed to eat, but had no appetite at the moment. Worse yet, he had a meeting with Emily in less than an hour. He had about ten thousand things on his mind, jumping from one to another and not one of them was a good or positive thought.
He constantly worried about the people in his life and how his actions were affecting them all. Anna and the kids were always on top of that list, but at the moment his thoughts were on Danny. It had been over a week since he'd spoken to him, which he was surprised to realize that they hadn't gone more than a couple of days since they'd met without some sort of communication. He knew he was probably at work by then.
He worried about him. It wasn't that he didn't think Danny couldn't perform the job without him, but he worried because he was Danny's backup. They knew each other's moves and thoughts. If something happened to him while he was in this place, he'd never forgive himself, and even more so, he knew he would never go back to the job he had come to love even more than his days in the Navy.
He pushed his eggs around on the plate and forced down what he could but finally gave up eating. He stood up, taking the half full tray and dumped it in the garbage can. He still had time before he was supposed to meet Emily and made his way back to his room.
He sat on the bed and opened the notebook, reading over the last few entries since Emily had given it to him. They were filled with regret and he could feel the pain all over again when reading them. He was confused over this part of his therapy, because he didn't really feel any better as he read over the words 'hate' and 'regret' and even the word 'love' that was used as a negative dialect. The last three sessions he'd had with Emily were about forgiving other people that had harmed him, particularly his Mom and Dad that he never knew he held such anger towards. It was almost a relief to be able to say it out loud. He didn't feel like he was instantly cured of that anger and resentment, but he was able to forgive them and was glad that he'd dealt with it. The thing that concerned him the most was Mary, wondering if she had the same feelings as he did.
He looked at the words on the paper again and decided that if he could forgive others then why couldn't he forgive himself. The horrible things he wrote and thought constantly about himself weren't helping. He needed to channel his thoughts in a new direction. He needed to stop punishing himself about the things that happened in the past and focus on making them right in the presence so they wouldn't ever happen again in the future. He needed a new strategy to write about besides his negative feelings.
He looked up and out the window of his room, seeing the familiar mountains that were becoming like a focal point for him when he felt overwhelmed or cluttered with thoughts. He stared off at them, clearing his mind of any one thought and let nature take over, asking the Akua's for help. It wasn't the first time in his life he would ask for guidance from them, relying on the Hawaiian spirits that lived in the mountains, in the water and in the air he breathed.
He looked down at the notebook and flipped the pages over until a clean sheet was available, starting fresh. He held the pen in his hand and took a deep breath as he started to write.
Dear Anna, he began knowing this was the direction he needed to go. He would write letters to her and express what he needed to. She would never read them but it gave him the outlook he was looking for.
I'm sorry for all the things I did to you. For all the lies and for all the hurtful words that I said. I'm working through day by day, trying to get back to what I was when you loved me. I'll never be the same in your eyes again, but I'm hoping I'll be a better man when all is said and done. I miss you. I miss you every second of the day. I'll miss you for the rest of my life.
He read it over once more and closed the book, already feeling better about it. "Straight ahead," he said out loud with a deep sigh, "Just keep moving forward."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"How are you feeling today," Emily asked him.
"Ok," Steve replied.
"How have you been sleeping?"
He sighed, sitting back lazily in the chair. "Not too good. I wake up a lot feeling restless."
"Are you having nightmares," she asked concerned.
"No. Just restless."
"What do you think about when you wake up?"
He shrugged, "People."
"Like who?"
He mostly thought of Anna, but wasn't ready to talk about her just yet, "Danny, for one," he replied.
"Tell me about Danny."
The right side of his mouth curved into a smile. "He's a smart ass."
Emily smiled too over that. "If you had to use one word to describe him, what would it be?"
Steve's smile slowly faded, not even having to contemplate that question. "Friend."
"Is he your best friend?"
"Yes." He sat up in the chair, "But it really goes beyond that."
"How so."
"He's like my right arm. I trust him with my life."
"That's a very powerful statement."
"It's true," he said proudly. "And I know it goes both ways."
"Are you prepared if that friendship is no longer valid?" Emily blurted out, throwing him a curve ball.
"I don't…" he began to deny that ever happening when he stopped, recalling his words to him the day he dropped him off. It humbled him a great deal to know that he had taken such great advantage of that friendship he was so proud of. It also scared him to death. "If I lose that friendship," he shook his head, not having an answer because it would be too devastating to him. "I worry about him."
"About the friendship?"
"No, about something happening to him and me not being there to back him up." He looked over at her. "That's my job."
"You feel responsible for a lot of people in your life, don't you Steve?"
"Yes," he replied without hesitation. "And I know I've let a lot of them down by being here. Danny for one."
"What would you say to him, if you could?"
That question caught him by surprise. There were so many things he would want to say, but in reality it would never happen. They pretended like they annoyed each other, but deep down inside he knew his life would be turned upside down if some how he lost Danny.
He wiped his hand over his mouth, suddenly feeling a wave of emotions wash over him, coming on without warning. He always knew how he felt about him, but actually physically describing it was something else.
Emily waited patiently, seeing the change overcome him as he struggled in keeping his emotions under tact. He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees with his head down, trying to hide the tears. She didn't force it out of him; sometimes actions spoke louder than words.
She put a hand on his back, holding a tissue down to him. "It's ok Steve. I think I hear you loud and clear."
He took the tissue from her and wiped his eyes with it and then sat up, looking away from her. "I don't like this part."
"What part?" she asked. "The part that makes you cry? Or the part that you find so incredibly difficult to admit to yourself that you need people just as much as they need you."
"Both," he sighed. "I don't want to rely on anyone," he admitted.
That saddened Emily more than just about anything she'd ever heard from him so far. "Why, Steve? Why would you say such a thing?"
"People go away. People die." He couldn't help but think of Anna. "I hurt people and they end up hating me, that's even worse."
"Are you talking about Anna?"
He shot a quick look over at her, "I don't want to talk about her?"
"Why not?"
He came out of the chair, walking away from her. "Because I don't," he replied stubbornly, "and I'm not going to. That's a closed chapter in my life."
"Don't you think she deserves to hear from you?"
She doesn't want anything else from me. She's better off just…" he felt those emotions creeping up on him again. "She hates me and that's it. I've done enough to her and those kids. They don't need to hear some lame excuse about how I fucked up. They witnessed it first hand."
"You made some mistakes. How will she know you…"
"I said enough!" he yelled out, feeling the panic in him rising over having to talk through what he did to her. He glared over at Emily as she sat unfazed over his outburst. He quickly recanted knowing it was uncalled for to use that tone with her. "I'm sorry," his voice pleading "please Emily, don't make me talk about her. Not yet…please."
"Sit down," she ordered.
He did as he was told and sat back down, staring nervously across at her, hoping she'd abide by his wishes, but knowing if she wanted to discuss Anna there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Emily shook her head, feeling more frustrated with him than just about anyone she had ever counseled before. He wore his heart on his sleeve in that room more than anyone she had ever known; yet at the same time she knew he would shield it from the ones he cared most about, afraid to let anyone see it. It angered her that the two of them had made this same break through days before but he just found other excuses to close up again. He was once again the bad guy so he was justified in running away.
"I just feel like you are slipping right back into the same ole' routine of shutting people out. That comment about not wanting to rely on anyone is proof of it. The second you are faced with some kind of emotional turmoil, you shut down. What is it going to take for you to accept that you can't live this way anymore? You walk around and pretend like you have some shield in front of you and hide behind that smile and all your military mumbo jumbo of toughness, but you know what I see. I see a frightened, scared, helpless man sitting before me that can't even talk about the one person in your life that you loved enough to want to marry and now you just set it aside because suddenly you are unworthy. You're alienating people from your life that shouldn't be or that don't have to be."
"You don't understand," Steve pleaded with her. "I wasn't brought up that way. You don't talk about stuff like that."
"Oh bullshit," Emily blurted out, shocking herself over the outburst more than him, but she was fed up with his excuses. "All these people who came to your rescue and you won't even give them the common courtesy of allowing them to know who you are? How selfish is that?"
She stood up and closed her folding chair, abruptly setting it against the wall. "I can't help you anymore if you're not even willing to help yourself."
She walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
He sat frozen to the chair, reeling over her outburst. She made it sound so simple, but it wasn't to him. He didn't know how to say the things he wanted to without sounding foolish. But as he sat there, he also forced himself to recognize that it wasn't just finding the right words to say that scared him the most, it was that they wouldn't be returned. He felt that all to familiar rejection from the two people in his life that he had trusted the most since he was a child, and they were the ones that had let him down the hardest. Neither of his parents had listened when he tried to reach out to them, so why should he make the same mistake with others. It's not that he didn't feel love for all those people; he did tremendously. It was just safer to show it rather than say it.
He felt it was unfair of Emily to say that he was selfish in that way. He took care of the people that he loved. But as he was justifying his actions once again, he happened to look around the room he was in and recall why he was there. Who was he helping at the moment, no one? Yet everyone outside of that room was taking perfectly good care of themselves, without him.
He felt the air leave his body knowing how easily he could be forgotten without physically being there for people. It was his only way of telling them that he loved them, but being absent he had no way to express it. What if he came back and they all realized they didn't need him anymore, that and along with his actions over the past few months might actually separate him from the people that meant the most to him.
He bent over, putting his head between his legs, feeling light headed over the impact of that realization. She was right; he couldn't live the way he was any longer. He needed to break the cycle of his upbringing and allow himself the right to express himself to the ones he loved the most. He needed them. He'd never make it without them.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mark came in the office and pointed over his shoulder. "Steve's outside," he said with a slight grin. "He wants to talk to you."
Emily sat back in her chair smiling. "How does he look?"
"Beaten down. Do you have to go at them so hard all the time? Poor guy."
"You do your therapy with inspiration and metaphors and I do mine with tough love." She got up, wiping the smile off her face as she came out of the office before greeting him.
"What can I do for you Steve?"
He swallowed down the dryness in his throat, still seeing the disappointment not only in her tone but also all over her face. "I'm sorry about what happened back there. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"You already apologized for that. Is that why you're here, to apologize again?"
"No." He crossed his arms, glancing away from her down the hall. "You're right. I can't live like…" he could feel the that part of him holding back, trying to fight off the anxiety of having to deal with it head on. He pushed through and looked back over at her, "I'm not strong in the way that you talk about, but I'm willing to try. I want to."
"Do you mean that?"
He nodded, "Yes," he replied wholeheartedly.
"Then prove it. Follow me." She walked past him down the hallway.
He stood watching her for a second before he began to follow after her, not having a clue what she meant by 'proving it', assuming they were going back to the session room when she stopped in front a door that had no label on it.
She pulled out her keys and unlocked it, opening it up and going in first, turning the light on.
It was a small six by six room that held only a chair, a table and a telephone.
Emily pulled the chair out and motioned for him to sit down. "Make some calls to those people who you feel you have been holding back from."
He stood staring at the phone feeling his heart accelerate. It wasn't so much the fear of having to let go his feelings as it was that they may not be received. "What if they hang up on me?" he asked fearfully.
"That's a possibility. You have to prepare yourself for some who may not want to hear from you." She put her hand on his back, guiding him toward the chair. "But the ones that do listen will be grateful. Wouldn't you be to hear it from them?"
She made it sound so elementary when she put it that way. "What do I say?"
"They're your friends Steve. You told me in our very first session that you had two families. It doesn't have to be a sappy Hallmark card, just put yourself out there and tell them the truth." She went to the door but reached in her pocket first, pulling out a small package of tissues and tossed them on the table. "Just incase," she smiled. "You have as much time as you need, so don't rush. Come and find me when you're done." She walked out, leaving him alone.
He stared at the phone for what seemed like hours but was only minutes, trying to dissolve the fear of what he was about to do. He felt the craving of a pill coming on knowing from past experience that when he began to get in over his head emotionally, those were a great stress relief. He was beyond that now and fought the craving by diving in headfirst. He picked up the phone and dialed the first number.
Danny reached over on his desk and picked up his ringing cell, not recognizing the number.
"Detective Williams," he answered with it tucked between his shoulder and neck as he typed the final words in the report on his laptop.
Just hearing Danny's voice was a comforting relief that he wasn't prepared for. He missed him more than he thought he did.
When no one replied right away he asked again, "Hello? Detective Williams."
"Hey Danny…it's me."
He sat up, grabbing the phone off his shoulder and holding it up to his ear. "Steve!" he replied, surprised over the call that came out of the blue, but it was good to hear his voice. "Hey, how you doing?"
"Ok, getting along I guess."
He sounded different. He didn't want to use the word frail, but it was what came to mind. It was clear to him that he must be going through the ringer, having heard that fighting an addiction was just living day by day, hour by hour the best you could.
"You sound good," Danny said to him and then rolled his eyes after saying it, knowing it wasn't true and knowing Steve probably knew it wasn't true too, but he wasn't sure exactly what to say, not wanting to say the wrong thing, but he felt he had anyway.
There was an awkward silence on the phone. Steve could feel the separation between them happening, never before having the difficulty of conversing with Danny. That feeling of estrangement was his greatest motivation to fulfill what he set out to do. He decided to just go for it, not knowing if he had done irreversible damage to their friendship, but was ready to do whatever necessary to fix it.
"It's been a rough couple of weeks," Steve said to him.
"I heard the first few days are a bitch," Danny said.
"Pretty much," he said recalling detox. "I've spent a lot of time thinking, its about all I have to do in here is think."
Danny didn't reply, not sure if he was supposed to or what to say. The person on the other end he wasn't used to dealing with.
The silence between them again was long and Steve knew it was he that had to break it. "I want to tell you that I'm sorry Danny and…"
"It's ok Steve," he said, letting him off the hook, knowing now that this was a call of repenting.
He wasn't going to let Danny sugar coat this for him like he always did. "No it's not, I just have to…"
"Really, Steve its ok."
"Will you just shut up for one second," he barked out, losing his patience, trying his hardest to get it out but being sidelined by Danny trying to make it easy on him. "Jesus, sometimes Daniel…just let me get this out, ok?"
"All right, all right," Danny smiled, hearing the real Steve for the first time in a long time.
"I just want to say that I'm sorry for all the things I did and especially the things I said to you. I know I damaged my relationship with Anna probably beyond repair," he felt that all too familiar regret in his chest over that, "but you," he said with a sigh. "If I went too far and damaged our friendship then I understand and I accept whatever you have to say when I'm done. But you have to know that I regret all of it. You're like my brother Danny. I'm sorry. I really am."
Danny paused for a second, wanting to see if he was done before he responded. "Thanks for saying that." He knew more than anything he needed to validate his apology. "As far as I'm concerned Steve, its behind us. I didn't take you there and drop you off because I wanted to get rid of you. I did it because I wanted my partner back."
He let those words sink in feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
"That was really nice by the way," Danny teased him, wanting to lighten the moment. "Did you practice that speech?"
Steve smiled into the phone, "No. Did I sound sincere?"
"Very. If I was standing there I probably would have kissed you."
Steve laughed over that. It felt good, not remembering the last time that he had. "Control yourself. I might be going through some life changes, but not that much. I still prefer the opposite sex."
It was Danny's turn to laugh. He'd been worried about him being in that place, but was feeling less of that after this call. "Have you called anyone else besides me?"
"No. You're the first."
"Is Anna on the list?"
Steve let out a long deep sigh, "No."
"Why not?"
"Because she doesn't want to hear from me Danny. The things I said to her. The things I did… its over."
"People forgive you know."
"Not always." He was beginning to wonder why he was so persistent. "Have you talked to her?" He hoped maybe she was expecting a call.
"No, actually I was going to go by your house tomorrow to check on things. I could stop in and see her if you want?"
He wanted to say yes, but thought better to just let her be. "No," he said sadly, "just let it go."
"It's up to you. I know it's your decision, but I think you should call her."
"And say what?"
"What you just said to me was pretty good, but you could just sweeten it up a bit."
"Maybe," he said, trying to appease him, but still didn't think he had the right to.
"Ok, I know that means no, so I'll just drop it."
'Thank you."
"I'll be up in a few days to see ya," Danny said. "Do you want me to bring you anything?"
Steve smiled, "A Puka Dog. I'm dying for one."
"I'll bring you two," Danny chuckled.
"Ok." He couldn't believe the stress relief that this call had created, not feeling as nervous about making the next two. "I'm going to let you go. I've got some other calls to make."
"Ok, sounds good." Before he hung up, Danny solidified what Steve had been trying to say. "Hey, you know I got your back right?"
"Yes," he replied gratefully.
"I mean it Steve. Don't ever think you're alone out there. You got me, Gracie Chin, Kono, we love ya and we'd do whatever necessary to protect you." He smiled, throwing in a joke, "I'm going to say it so don't laugh, but were Ohana all the way."
It didn't feel awkward and he didn't feel foolish. It was just that easy he thought, and it did feel good. "Thanks Danny. I love you guys too brother. Give Gracie a hug for me and be careful. I worry about you at work when I'm not there."
Danny smiled, never before hearing anything remotely close to him expressing himself in that way. "Don't worry about me. You just work on getting back here. You're needed. The paperwork sucks."
Steve laughed, "Will do. I'll see you soon."
They both hung up, feeling the same good feeling over the call. Danny was relived that he was doing as well as he had hoped and Steve was not only surprised over the easiness of the call but that the mistakes he'd made didn't change anything between them. His family was still there for him.
He picked the phone back up and dialed in Chin's number next, feeling good about it.
Danny watched from across his office into Chin's as he answered his ringing cell phone and then smiled brightly, knowing it was Steve on the other end. He was pleased over the call between them, but wished he'd give Anna one too.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Steve hung up after speaking with Kono last, wishing he had Mary's number but it was in his cell and he hadn't seen it since the day he'd arrived. He felt he was on a roll, feeling this newfound freedom of being able to express himself in a way that wasn't as hard as he always thought it would be. Emily was right; it didn't have to come across as a Hallmark card, he just needed to let the people in his life know that he validated them and that he was proud to be their friend and along the way he learned he was just as important. Hearing all three of them tell him he was loved in one way or another was uplifting. It gave him the strength he was looking for to move forward with his treatment. For the first time he really felt he was going to make it.
He stared at the phone, feeling that strength and reinforcement and decided to push his luck and make one more call.
He dialed her number, not feeling any anxiety…until she answered.
Anna ran from the laundry room into the family room to answer the landline, which seldom rang, wondering if it was Adam with another client that wanted to see the house, or maybe an offer had come through from the people that had come by the day before to see it. She wasn't sure how she felt about that just yet.
"Hello?" she said.
Steve sat frozen just over the sound of her voice. It brought up so many emotions he couldn't even think straight. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped, not having the same confidence as he did before she answered. He was afraid she'd shut him down.
"Hello?" Anna repeated.
He couldn't do it and hung up. He blasted himself for even attempting it, but he also couldn't deny how just hearing her voice pleased him. God he missed her. He reeled over the sound of that sweet voice, being reminded of it in the dark as he lay in bed with her at night and talked. Sometimes they would stay awake for hours and just talk. Maybe Danny was right; maybe she'd forgive him.
He picked the phone back up and dialed her number again.
Anna slammed the lid closed on the washer and growled, hearing the phone ring again. She came down the hallway mumbling to herself, reaching for it on the fourth ring.
"Hello?!" she replied irritably.
Steve heard the tone of her voice and instantly lost his nerve once again. The timing wasn't right, but as before just hearing her voice, no matter the tone made his heart sore. He waited for it again before hanging up.
"Hello!" she said again, waiting a few more seconds but heard no reply. "Kiss off!" she said angrily and slammed the phone down.
He sat back in the chair feeling both elated and disheartened. He could just picture the feisty expression on her face, smiling over it because he knew no matter what expression she used she was still drop dead gorgeous. He thought about the guy that had broke in to her house, convinced that she was Alyssa. He worried about her and the kids being in the house alone. Even if she weren't in his life anymore, he knew once he was home again, he'd do whatever it took to keep them safe.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Danny pulled into Steve's driveway, glancing over at Anna's house, shocked over the for sale sign in her yard. He sat in the driveway with his car still running, staring over at it, wondering how in the hell Steve was going to react to this and whether or not he should tell him when he saw him or wait until he got home. He felt he had enough stress in his life as it was.
He saw Anna's car in the driveway, knowing she was home. He contemplated going over and seeing her, but abided by Steve's wishes in the end, deciding that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. If she had made that big of a decision then maybe he was better off just letting it go like he wanted.
But he still couldn't get over the fact that it disappointed him. He'd never seen Steve happier since he'd known him than he was once Anna and the kids entered his life.
He let himself in the house with his spare key and right away smelled the closed off stuffy scent from being shut up for so long. He left the front door open and went straight to the back and opened that door as well, letting a breeze in off the ocean flow through and air it out.
He went to the dishwasher next and started unloading the dishes that he'd put in and ran the day he and Anna had been there to pick up his things. He knew that day there was a problem because Steve's house was in disarray and Steve's house was never in disarray.
He went in the garage next and shuffled through his tools looking for something to take off the damaged kitchen cupboard doors with, wanting to get them fixed before he got back. As he came back in the house, Anna was standing at the front door.
"Hi," she said to him, not feeling she was invited to cross the threshold of the home she had considered her second at one time.
"Hey there," Danny replied. "Come on in."
"I saw you pull up." Her expression concerned, "Is everything ok?" She held her breath, anticipating his answer, feeling that wave of fear and panic hit as she watched him get out the car alone, wondering at first if Steve was home early until she saw just Danny get out the car. She couldn't imagine Steve doing what her father had done, but she never expected it from him either.
"Yes, everything's fine." Danny assured her. "I'm just checking on the house for Steve." He couldn't help but feel pleased over her worry of him. "Steve's doing ok. I just talked to him yesterday."
"Oh," Anna said, feeling relieved but a little surprised that he had talked to him. "I'm glad to hear that. Did you go and see him?" she knew there was a visiting day, but she had declined when Emily asked if she wanted to come. She just didn't feel he would want her there and really had no idea what she would say to him anyhow.
"I didn't see him, but he called me," Danny corrected her but then felt he shouldn't have said anything over the disappointed look on her face that she was obviously trying to hide.
"Oh, you talked to him? He called you?" she asked, knowing Danny wouldn't be able to contact him.
"Yes. It was a short call," he replied trying to make it sound like it was nothing, feeling bad for her now.
She felt her heat sink to her stomach as her throat closed up, knowing that if he still cared about her, he would have called. She felt the tears forming, wanting to make a quick getaway before Danny could see them. "That's good. Ok then, I have to go. I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. I'll see you Danny."
"Ok," he sighed, walking toward the door, wishing now he would have asked about the for sale sign, but it was clear to him that she was upset Steve hadn't called her. It was obvious she still had feelings for him and he knew Steve did for her. Just watching and listening to the two of them was depressing the hell out of him.
Anna crossed the yard wiping her fingers under her eyes, catching the tears before they had a chance to fall. She was angry with him for letting her go so easily when after all she was doing was trying to help him. She wasn't even worthy of a call. "To hell with him," she mumbled. Glad now she was selling the house. Hoping a call came soon from a buyer, recalling the two calls the previous day that she had hoped was from her agent, but just ended up being a crank call.
She stopped in her tracks just before reaching the end of the yard, re-thinking those two calls. She wondered if maybe that was Steve calling her? At first she felt elated over the possibility, but then it made her angry that again he wouldn't even speak to her. What kind of game was he playing with her?
She continued on to her house, stomping across the yard, wishing now she wouldn't even have gone over to his house. She was better off not knowing any of it. If that was him and this is the way he was going to play the game, then let him. She wasn't going to stoop that low and join him in it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Steve sat on the edge of the work out bench and wiped a towel over his face. He'd worked up a good sweat lifting weights, not having catered to his body in this way in a long time. It felt good, feeling as if he were getting out all the toxins in his system that had been creating havoc. He'd already gained six pounds over the past two weeks, eating three good, nutritious, but high calorie meals a day and snacking on whatever was available in the kitchen between meals, looking forward to the Puka Dog Danny promised to bring him, hoping he remembered.
He walked over to the treadmill and set the computer to a steep run that resembled a mountain hike with several inclines that he knew would get his heart rate pumping.
He began the slight jog that worked up into a full sprint as the treadmill track tilted upward. He pictured himself running up Koko head trail, the other dormant volcano on the southeast side of the island that used to be an old Army lookout point. What was left were old wooden train trestles that were used as a track to get up the steep incline to the top. He took Anna up there once, surprised at the athlete in her. She never faltered and kept up with him step for step.
He remembered the best part of that day though, sitting up on the cement slab at the top next to her for a long time as they cooled down, admiring the view. He pointed out places he would take her next, snorkeling at Hanauma Bay and a kayak out to Rabbit Island. Neither of which they had accomplished. He promised her a lot of things he hadn't fulfilled, love, security, commitment, and marriage.
He had failed her, but what was worse is that he had failed the kids. They were counting on him to be there as a replacement for their father. He felt like he had set them up, mostly Jenny, showing her this fantasy utopia that she had fallen right into and then with one foolish mistake he pulled the rug out from beneath her. He felt she was being punished more than the rest because she couldn't understand what had happened. He was there one day and gone the next.
He reached up on the treadmill computer and shut it off, midway through his workout. He held onto the arm rails with his head bent, trying to catch his breath after the intense workout, but mainly feeling the hurt again over what he had done to that little girl, to all of them.
He wanted back in their lives. He wanted it so bad he could hardly stand it, not sure how he was going to function once he was back home without them. He'd been telling himself Anna didn't deserve any more heartbreak over him, but what made him think he would ever hurt her again? He wouldn't. He'd work everyday to make her life happy and to give her what he had originally promised. He had been wrong this whole time of sitting back and letting her go, he needed to fight for her. If he truly loved her then he needed to fight for her. He'd never backed down from a battle in his life and this was by far going to be the most intense one, he thought almost amusingly, but he wasn't going to retreat.
He walked over to the table and grabbed the towel wiping his face off as he went for the door, hoping Emily hadn't left for the day. He needed to make that call to Anna and begin the fight of winning her back.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Emily opened the door to the room with the phone and let him enter. "Good luck," she smiled, knowing how the calls to Anna had gone a couple of days before. They had discussed his phone conversations in their last session and she was proud of him for the ones he had made. She didn't push him on the Anna subject again, knowing it was one that she would have to gradually work up too. Pleased that he was going to make that call again. He was finally opening up the door that she had been pounding on for the last two weeks. "Take your time," Emily said.
"Ok," he replied feeling good about his decision. "I don't know what I'm going to say."
"It'll come to you."
He nodded as she left the room, leaving him alone. If he didn't do it, he knew he would regret it for the rest of his life. He took in a deep breath and let it out slow, picking up the phone, feeling confident that it was going to go well.
Jenny and Eric sat on the couch watching TV when the phone on the table next to them rang.
Jenny reached over, being the closest and answered it.
"Hello?" she said.
Steve jaw dropped as he felt his heart skip a beat as a thousand different emotions suddenly engulfed him. He wasn't prepared for Jenny to answer the phone, assuming that it would be Anna. It caught him completely off guard hearing that sweet angelic voice that had melted his heart so many times before. He couldn't find a word to say to her that would explain his absence not knowing what Anna had told her.
"Hello?" she said again as he felt tears stinging his eyes, wanting more than anything to tell her he missed her, but like before the fear in him rose up that she perhaps didn't feel the same about him any longer. As of that second he was still her hero, but if he spoke to her and she replied with anything other than excitement then he knew he lost the only pure thing in his life, Jenny's love.
Anna came in the room after hearing the phone ring and looked over at Jenny who had it up to her ear.
"Who is it?" Anna asked.
Jenny shrugged. "I don't know. There's no one there."
Anna walked over with a scowl on her face and took the phone from her. "Hello?!" she said angrily, getting fed up with these crank calls.
Steve closed his eyes, feeling his stomach tighten up, not able to breathe let alone speak a word to her.
Anna turned away from Jenny and Eric and cupped the phone with her hand, "Steve," she said with gritted teeth, "if this is you, then just say something or quit calling here."
He felt as if the blood had drained from his body over her discovery of his secret identity. He knew it was now or never and said the first thing that came to mind, his voice barely able to get the words out.
"Don't give up on me Anna, please."
He felt that was all there was to say and with a heavy heart he hung up the phone, it was up to her from that moment on, praying that she'd give him a second chance.