A/N: Well, I was planning on updating next week but I couldn't ignore a review from one-of-four who asked for a chapter for her 21st birthday, now could I? So Happy Birthday one-of-four. This chapter is for you!

...oh crap, now all of you are going to claim it's your birthday in hopes I'll update, aren't you? Hm, I didn't think this through.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is a literary genius. I am not. Therefore, I am not J.K. Rowling.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 26: Of Stories, Truth, & Executioner

++KEEGAN++

"So what's really going on with you and Remus?" I asked Sirius as we ventured into our apartment building late that night after Friday Night Dinner.

"Nothing."

I rolled my eyes at him. "No matter how many times you say that, it won't become true."

Sirius frowned, gazing at me curiously. "What's going on is that I now have no roommate," he said suggestively, his left eyebrow peaking. "Lots of privacy."

I chuckled, rolling my eyes. "I should check to see if Lily's home."

"Threesomes aren't exactly my thing," he teased.

I shoved him playfully as we walked up the stairs towards our respective apartments. "Somehow, I doubt that."

He merely shrugged. "How's she doing?"

I frowned, stopping outside my apartment door and fumbling for my keys. "I have no idea," I admitted with a sigh.

"I haven't seen either one of them all week," Sirius murmured.

"Neither have I," I pointed out with a shrug. "And I live with one of them."

He didn't respond, leaning up against his own apartment door with a sigh.

"I think they both need time," I continued slowly. "And a lot of it. They were together four years. One doesn't get over that type of heartbreak in just a few days."

"We would know."

I met his gaze in surprise, watching him as he cringed. "Sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean to turn their break up into something about us."

"Don't be sorry. It's true."

He frowned hesitantly. "Neither one of them wants to talk about it, but can we blame them?" he eventually spoke. "I have a feeling they both just want to forget. Forget what, I can't be sure. Forget their relationship? Forget their break-up? Forget themselves? Who knows. But I think if that's what they want, the rest of us should just give it to them. And then one day, they will forget all of the pain and heartbreak and be able to move on. It's all any of us want really, right?"

Why is it that sometimes Sirius Black could be such a jackass and at other times, he came off as such a deep and sensitive person? I hated that about him.

Okay, I liked that about him. Which kinda scared me.

I didn't bother saying anything. I merely closed the gap between us and kissed him.

"Inside?" he said breathlessly as we pulled apart.

"Hell yes," I spoke, pressing my lips to his once again.

I didn't bother making a crack at the clear sexual innuendo I know that he had intended to make.

++SIRIUS++

Another week went by. A horrible week. James was still being a surly alcoholic. Remus was still sending me death threats (which is fine, because I was sending them his way, too). Lily avoided everyone (I heard she had gone off to the States for a few days on a trip she hadn't intended to make in the first place but was more than happy to do so now). I pretty much divested all my anger and frustration into a certain thing I liked to call casual sex (oddly enough, with Keegan Rouge). I hadn't seen James in over two weeks and while I wanted nothing more than to avoid Potter Manor (specifically Remus), I felt I had to talk to James. I had given him space for some time, but I didn't know how much longer I could let him live in self-denial. He didn't let me after Riley left so I owed him that much.

I wandered into Potter Manor on Saturday to check in on James and scowled when I found out that only Remus was home.

"He's not here," Remus greeted coolly from the library.

I glanced in his direction. "Where the hell is he?"

"Not here."

"Wasn't your intention of moving back in with James to not let him be alone?"

Remus rolled his eyes, his gaze returning to the book in his hand. "What are you even doing here, Sirius?"

"I'm checking in on him. He-"

"He's not a baby."

"He's been acting like it."

Remus blinked and I knew he agreed with me. Not that he would admit it and give me the satisfaction. "He's probably at a bar somewhere. That's what he does now. Just gets sloshed when he's home. Before he passes out and then chooses to sleep for hours. It's all he's good for."

I could hear the indisputable concern in Remus' voice. And I couldn't help what I said next. "You did the same after Jillian. I did the same after Riley," I was quick to add so he knew it wasn't an attack. "He'll get over it. He has to."

He slammed his book shut, glaring at me. "You think this is something he'll just get over? He is genuinely convinced that the only way to protect Lily is to push her away in the worst way possible. He is so damned afraid of getting hurt again after all the shit he's been through that he'd rather be alone and believe she's safe, than with her and know she's not. I can't even begin to imagine what is running through his head. And neither can you."

"I'm not saying I do," I said softly. "I just can't stand to see him like this."

"Well, that makes two of us," he murmured with a sigh. "But there's nothing we can do until James reaches out for our help."

"We can still be there for him," I pointed out. "He was there for me when I needed it and he was there for you, too. We can't just give up on him even if that's what he wants from us."

"We're not giving up," he argued. "We're just giving him space."

"Maybe that's not what he needs."

"Maybe it is."

I rolled my eyes, wondering if Remus was just arguing with me to argue with me. "Fine, whatever," I muttered irritably, whirling around to head out. I didn't get very far before another question popped into my head. "You know what I'd like to know, Remus? What the hell was Grant doing at dinner last week?"

He rolled his eyes. "That's what you want to know? Really? Considering all the shit James has been through, that's what you really care about?"

"I care about James, too, but considering he doesn't want us to care at the moment, think I'm in my right to ask questions about other things."

"How considerate of you," he drawled, slipping past me. "Ask James about Grant because he's the only one that really knows how he feels about that." And then he was gone.

I hated the way things were between Remus and myself. I knew I had myself to blame for part of that. Okay, most of it. I should have kept my mouth shut about him and Jillian. It wasn't fair of me to attack him and I may have apologized for it if I thought he deserved it. But he didn't have the right to judge me. Did he really think I consciously slept with Lily for biased, sabotaging reasons? His words hurt more than I had thought. And I hated the way he spoke to me more than our current nonexistent friendship.

I was slipping out of the house when I ran into a stumbling James. "Ouch," I muttered, clapping my hand to my forehead after smashing into him.

James frowned. "What are you doing here? Last I checked, you hated Remus for reasons that have still yet to be informed to me."

"Just wanted to see if you wanted to grab a drink," I said, though based on the heavy stench of whiskey it was clear he had already had a few.

James glanced at me with a slight panicked look on his face as if he wanted to say no but didn't know how to. "Nah, I've got some work to do."

"Yeah, I bet you could really do your best work slightly intoxicated."

He shot me a look. "I didn't ask for your opinion."

I sighed as he stormed past me into the house. "James, stop," I pleaded.

He hesitated, glancing over his shoulder. "What?"

Good question. I had no clue what to say or do to get him to realize that his life didn't have to end here. "Don't turn out like I did."

Slight shock filled his eyes but it faded into nostalgia and I knew he was recalling the way I acted after Riley had left. "I don't know what you're talking about," he lied.

"You do," I urged with a sigh. "And you know you've fallen into the same rut I did four years ago. You just don't want to admit it because you knew how I had acted and you'd never want to believe you could ever act the same."

A frown spread across his face. "I didn't know what you were going through four years ago. But I do now."

"Except you were the one that left Lily behind. Not the other way around."

Hurt blazed in his eyes, his jaw clamping angrily. "You really think comments like that are going to make me feel better?"

"I'm not trying to make you feel better. I'm just trying to make you you again."

"Well, don't," he snapped. "The old me is gone. This is who you get stuck with, Sirius, so you better learn to like it."

"Do you like it?"

The anger softened in his expression as he shrugged. "Did you like how you were after Riley left?"

The name alone caused me to grimace. "No," I murmured. "Which is why I got over it. Thanks to you."

James sighed. "I don't need your help, Sirius."

"You need someone's."

"No, I just need everyone to leave me alone."

Before I could say another thing, he was shutting the front door behind him and I was left alone on the stoop.

I didn't know who that was but it wasn't James. It was evident he was feeling so unbelievably lost and self-loathing. And hiding from the world wasn't going to help him. But I wasn't so sure that Remus or myself or Peter or any of his friends who had watched him mature with Lily by his side could help him either.

There was one person, however, that I thought might be able to help.

++SYDNY++

I don't get visitors. Ever. Since I moved to London two months ago, not one person has knocked on my door. So you could imagine my surprise when there was a knock on it early that Saturday evening.

Cautiously, I opened the door expecting the worst. What I wasn't expecting was Sirius Black. "Sirius? What…what are you doing on my doorstep?" I asked, confused. I hesitated. "In fact, how do you even know where my doorstep is?"

"Help him," Sirius said firmly. "He needs you."

I opened my mouth to inquire what he was talking about but found myself answering the question before I could even ask it. "James needs a lot more than my help to get back the life he once had."

"Is that even possible?" he dared asking. "Him getting back the life he once had? The life before the deaths and tragedies and fear and danger?"

I hesitated. "I don't know," I said.

Silence followed. And then Sirius said, "I don't think he believes he can get it back."

"I don't think he believes he wants it back either."

He frowned and then slowly met my gaze. "Help him believe it."

And before I could even ask him why he was asking me to do that, he was gone.

++SIRIUS++

I had one more stop to make that day. One more stop I wasn't sure if I was ready for. But I knew for the sake of our friendship, I had to do it.

It took fifteen knocks on the door before it was opened.

"Er…Sirius. Hi," Lily greeted awkwardly.

Another winning greeting from her. "Hi."

She shifted her weight uncomfortably but didn't say anything or invite me in.

"Why'd it take so long for you to answer the door?" I asked for lack of anything better to say.

She shrugged. "I thought Keegan was home and would answer it. Apparently I was wrong."

"No, she's at the Daily Prophet."

Her eyebrow peaked skeptically. "And you know this how?"

She told me last night. Instead I lied, "Ran into her earlier."

"Ah."

Silence again.

"Sirius, we don't need to do this," Lily sighed. "We don't need to do the awkward small talk. It's not really my style and I know it's not yours."

"I'm not here to make small talk," I urged, shaking my head slowly. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

She shrugged. "I'm fine," she admitted with a smile. I looked closer, expecting the smile to be strained and full of anxiety. Instead, it just looked like a smile. She actually looked fine. Was that even possible?

"Er…you are?"

She nodded. "Just peachy."

"You are," I mused, thinking back to James who was a complete and utter mess right now. Something that Lily Evans didn't appear to be.

Her smile didn't waver. "Yep."

I wanted so badly to just talk to her. The way we used to. I wanted her to be honest with me and I wanted to help her get through any insecurities she may have. Because while she may be fine or on her way to being fine, I knew she was still probably going through a lot. She probably had questions and wanted answers. She probably felt so alone and confused and heartbroken. She probably felt lost. And I wanted nothing more than to be able to help her in the way that she needed it, not the unfortunate way that it happened in the prior week. But it was obvious she didn't want my help.

"So this is how things are going to be between us now?" I asked softly, frowning.

She stiffened, meeting my hurt gaze. "Yeah," she replied, shifting her weight uncomfortably in the doorway. "For a while at least."

I had to turn away, too ashamed with myself to even look at her. "Lily, we made a mistake," I pleaded, shaking my head. "And I don't think either one of us will ever be able to forgive ourselves for it, but please don't punish me because-"

"Sirius, this isn't about that," she interrupted hastily, her voice soft with guilt and her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. "I just…I can't be around you right now."

I blinked, confused. "If not for that, then why? Why…why can't you be around me?"

She ran her fingers through her natty hair and she, too, desperately tried to avoid eye contact with me. The smile that had been on her face had disappeared, replacing complacency with irrefutable pain. Her bottom trembled, only slightly and yet I caught it. She opened her mouth a few times but closed it every time. Eventually she did look up at me and I knew then that she wasn't fine. Not even a little bit. The girl that had never tried to hide any form of emotion from me was actively trying to act like nothing was wrong. Which just meant that everything was wrong.

And then she spoke. It was barely above a whisper, her voice desperate and concentrated, and the words nearly caught in her throat as if it was almost impossible for her to speak the words aloud. "You're his best friend."

That was it. That was all she said. She didn't attempt to explain what that meant. But I knew what she meant. I knew exactly what she meant.

When she looked at me, she was reminded of him. She couldn't look at me without seeing him. Without seeing his last hurtful words he spoke to her. And if that wasn't bad enough, any fear or pain she was so desperate not to show was because she didn't want me relaying any of it back to James. She wanted to appear fine. She wanted him to know that she was appearing fine even though it was so evident that she wasn't.

"I'm your friend, too," I blurted out, probably a tad desperately.

Her head was already shaking halfway through my declaration. "But you're his best friend," she whispered hoarsely, on the verge of tears. "I just can't…" she trailed off, shaking her head again.

"Lily-bean," I urged in a frenzy, "Don't…don't do this. Don't shut me out because of something James did. Maybe I am his best friend but you're my friend, too. This is on him, not me." I had already lost Remus as a friend and James was clearly checking himself out of our friendship as well. I couldn't lose her, too.

"I don't want to, Sirius," she spoke hoarsely. "I just-"

"Then don't," I whispered stubbornly.

She frowned, biting down on her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. "He said that he didn't love me," she choked out, the tears now slipping down her cheeks. "The love of my life, the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, looked me in the goddamned eye and told me he didn't love me." A sob escaped.

Instinctively, I reached out to attempt to embrace her but she was too quick for me. She pulled back immediately, thrusting her arms between us and vigorously shaking her head. "Please, don't," she whispered. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I really am. But…but I just can't be around you right now. Or anyone really. Please just…I can't."

I took a step back, feeling so defeated and hurt. I didn't even know what to say or do. I just suddenly felt like my life was spiraling out of control and no matter how hard I tried grasping for the normalcy to return, I couldn't stop the world from crashing down around me.

"Don't hate me, Sirius," she whispered guiltily, biting down on her bottom lip like she so often did when she felt helpless.

Once again, I felt an instinct to reach out to her. To hug her. To squeeze her hand. To brush her stray hair from her face. Anything. Instead, I said, "I could never hate you, Lily-bean." I took another step back, pulling myself out of her apartment even though every fiber of my being was fighting against it. I wanted to embrace her, to tell her everything was going to be okay. Except it wasn't. Nothing would ever be the same again. I was slowly turned around to leave but had just one last thing I need to say, "But I hope you know that I'm here for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you ever want to talk. Please."

She wiped the tears from underneath her eyes and shrugged. "Of course I will," she said.

But it was a lie. Because while I hadn't known it then—in fact, Lily hadn't even known it then—it turns out that there was someone else entirely that Lily-bean started to turn to when she needed a good talk or when she needed a laugh or when she needed a crying shoulder.

And I soon realized that I was easily replaceable.

++LILY++

I hated doing that. So much. I had tried holding it together for so long when I realized it was Sirius at the door. I put a convincing smile on my face and acted like there was nothing wrong. Because I didn't dare give him any reason to run back to James to tell him how broken I was no matter how true that might be. I couldn't go on continuing to pretend as if my life was fine and dandy around Sirius when inside, everything hurt. I knew that Sirius had been there for me every step of the way, but he was always going to be James' friend before mine and because of that, I had to take step back. I had to let him go before he let me go.

James already tossed me aside. I couldn't wait around for Sirius to do the same.

I wish I knew what was running through James' mind. A small part of me knew that whatever had happened to make him tell me he didn't love me anymore wasn't all my fault. He was going through a lot. He was watching his family fall apart knowing there wasn't anything he could do about it. He was just waiting for the next tragedy to strike and who wants to live their life like that? I hated that he was going through all of this. What I hated more was that he felt he had to go through it alone. He fell out of love with me because he barely knew how to love himself. Or maybe that was just the excuse I was giving myself as a way of justifying this. Not that it could be justified. Or should be.

Because no matter how much I felt as if there had to be a reason behind James no longer loving me, it didn't change how much it hurt.

++KEEGAN++

My coworkers and I ended up traipsing to Blarney's after our Editors' Meeting. I often neglected to go with them, not particularly liking the idea of mixing business with pleasure, but when Malone had the audacity to tell me that my article on the Potter Manor attack lacked personality (something every single person in my office denied), I was more than happy to bash the guy with my fellow colleagues.

Someone clearly had other plans for me.

When I walked up to the bar for my second drink, my eye was drawn to a sad-looking fellow in the corner of the bar. "Sirius?"

He glanced up, forcing a fake smile on his face. "What are you doing here?"

I nodded towards the round table where my coworkers sat. "A necessary Malone-bashing Happy Hour. You with anyone?"

His lips tightened and shook his head. "Considering James is avoiding everyone including me, Remus hates my guts, and Lily doesn't know how to be my friend anymore, no. I'm not with anyone."

My brow furrowed, not sure which to comment on first. "Lily doesn't know how to be your friend?" I asked, confused.

He shrugged mechanically. "Don't ask."

I frowned. "And why does Remus hate you?"

He took a sip of beer. "Seriously, don't ask."

I could have grabbed my firewhisky and soda and joined my coworkers. I probably should have but something in Sirius' words, his demeanor, his mechanic movements stopped me from doing so. I picked up my firewhisky and soda and ventured over to where he was sitting. I paid the guy sitting beside him to get up and I stole his seat. "Talk to me, Sirius. What's going on?"

He frowned, glancing over at me curiously. "You don't really want to talk to me."

"Sirius," I said in all sincerity, "I've known you for…for what? Eight months? And in those months, you've been the most annoyingly upbeat person I've ever met. But this guy sitting in front of me? He's not that upbeat Sirius I'm used to. I know something's going on with you so yes, I want to talk to you. I wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't."

He didn't respond immediately, finishing off his beer. Eventually he spoke, his words so cold and emotionless. "None of it matters."

"It always matters," I spoke softly.

He met my gaze. "Seriously, Rouge, you don't have to talk to me."

I glared at him. "I just paid a guy a few galleons so I could sit here and talk to you so you're going to do some talking."

He didn't even crack a smile. Instead, he motioned to one of the new bartenders I've never seen before for another beer. "Maybe I'm not in the mood to talk."

I smirked. "We're in a crowded bar, Sirius, so I'm sorry, but I'm going to refrain from jumping you right here. You're going to have to settle for talking."

That time, he did laugh. "You're alright, Rouge, y'know that?"

"Sirius."

His smile wavered as another beer was placed in front of him. "Everything's kinda falling apart," he admitted softly, not even picking up the beer.

"James and Lily?"

"For starters."

I hesitated. "Sirius, what happened with them has no effect on you. You're still their friend no matter what. Don't let whatever they're going through change who you are to them."

Agony flickered in his eyes. I could legitimately see his heart breaking in front of me. He swiped his beer and took a long gulp from it. "Lily doesn't want to be around me," he said softly. "She doesn't know how to be around me. I…I guess she thinks I'm James' friend first and foremost."

He would never admit it, but I knew how hard that must have been for him and I really wanted to go storm home and yell at Lily for being an idiot. Which was extremely ironic considering the moment a break-up occurred to me, I was out the door without bothering to say goodbye to anybody, least of all the guys' friends. But Lily has known Sirius for ten years. There's a huge difference. "Oh, Sirius," I whispered. "I'm sorry that-"

He ignored me, clearly not wanting my pity. "She told me not to hate her. And while I could never hate her, I've never been more disappointed in her," he continued, sipping his beer slowly. "I might be James' friend but that would never stop me from being hers. And the fact that that's all she sees me as right now…it kills me. Because I know how much that girl is hurting and as her friend, I just want to be able to help her. And she won't let me. She won't even let me near her."

"Sirius, I-"

"When I was sixteen, I made the biggest mistake of my entire life. A mistake that cost me my friends. And…and at that time, all I had were my friends. They were my entire life. But I made a fatal error in judgment and I didn't blame Remus, James, and Peter for turning their backs on me," he said hastily, crimson appearing in his cheeks. "But it was then that Lily-bean and I became friends. She didn't know what had happened but she stood by my side and never judged me. I never truly thanked her for being there for me, but I'll never forget it."

"Black, you don't-"

"And…and all I want to do is the same," he spoke, his voice cracking. "I just want to be there for her. And she won't let me. How am I supposed to thank her for everything she's ever done for me when she doesn't want anything to do with me? I wasn't the one who told her I didn't love her."

I clamped my hand over his mouth before he could say another word. His eyebrow arched curiously. "For a guy who claims he didn't want to talk, you're rambling."

He glanced up at me, shocked at the bluntness. But he was probably more shocked when I reached for his hand and squeezed it. "She knows you love her, Sirius," I whispered. "She knows that you'd be there for her in a heartbeat if she asked you to be. Hell, she knows you'd be there even if she doesn't ask you to be. You've got her back. She knows that."

He remained silent, returning to his beer.

"But she's going through a tough time right now. Probably one of the toughest things she's ever had to deal with," I spoke, the words almost catching in my throat. "She…she is trying to figure out who she is without James. More accurately, she is trying to remember who she was before James. And unfortunately that…that includes trying to remember who she was before you. Before the Marauders."

He didn't respond, letting his beer slide down his throat in hopes of forgetting everything.

"She'll find her way back to you, Sirius. You're kinda infectious," I said with a teasing grin.

"The word you're looking for is irresistible, Miss Rouge," he responded, the ends of his mouth tugging upwards.

"Hm, no, that was definitely not the word I was looking for."

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. "Then what are you doing sitting here with me when you could be with your friends?"

My heart skipped a beat at the implication. I glanced back at the table of my coworkers, who clearly hadn't even realized I abandoned them. "They're not my friends," I said slowly.

When I gazed back towards Sirius, an odd sense of understanding and complacency flickered in his eye. "What do you say we get out of here?" he asked suggestively, his eyebrow arching.

I chuckled. "Why am I not surprised that you just suggested that?"

He chugged the remainder of his beer, slapped a few galleons on the bar, and jumped off the stool. "Because you know me so well."

There wasn't even a slight hint of sarcasm in his voice. So I, too, finished my drink and followed him out.

To neither of our surprise, we ended up in Sirius' bedroom.

"We do that well," I teased as I fell to Sirius' side with a breathless sigh, still riding out the last of my orgasm.

He chuckled, glancing over at me out of the corner of his eye with a slight pant. "You say that every time."

I rolled my eyes cheekily and turned to face him, propping myself up by my elbow. "Oh, please. Tell me you're not thinking it," I said with a smirk, dancing my fingers playfully against his bare chest.

He smiled gracefully, bringing his arm up behind his head to prop it up. "No, actually, what I'm thinking is…is that I really don't know anything about you."

My heart skipped a beat, his words so casual and his demeanor so relaxed and yet, I felt as if that statement held so much weight behind it. "What's there to know?" I murmured, falling to my side once again.

He shrugged. "All I really know is that you're a writer, you're from France and attended Beauxbatons, and you were hurt in the worst possible way when your fiancé was hastily taken from you by the hands of Voldemort."

My jaw clenched at the reminder.

His eyes focused in on me. "You're a complete mystery otherwise, Miss Rouge," he said with an enigmatic smile. "I'm just trying to figure you out."

"There's nothing to figure out," I murmured, my eyes falling upon a crack in the ceiling.

He shrugged. "I think you're wrong," he spoke. "What are you so determined to hide?"

"I'm not hiding anything," I argued in all sincerity. "The only thing I ever tried to hide was Tristan and you already know all about him."

"Tell me more about yourself. About him even," he urged.

"Why?"

"He was clearly a huge part of who you are. I'm just trying to get to know you."

"But why?"

He frowned, instinctively reaching over to brush a strand of sweaty hair from my face. He paused guiltily as I met his gaze, clearly realizing the intimacy of the tiny gesture. "What, a guy can't get to know the girl he's sleeping with?" he teased, falling back against his pillow with an impish glint in his eyes.

I gazed at him with scrutinizing eyes, knowing that he was feeling a bit betrayed by all of his friends and was somehow trying to use me to forget it all. And normally, I would have rolled my eyes and ignored the question altogether. In fact, this was typically the part of the night where I gathered my clothes, smiled cheekily at Sirius, and headed back to my own apartment. But I didn't do any of that. Instead, for reasons unbeknownst to even me, I felt compassion for the hurting man beside me. So I did the only thing I could do to help him at that moment. I turned to my side to face him, resting my chin against my arms as I lay them lazily atop Sirius' chest, and said softly, "Alright then. What do you want to know?"

His smile was filled with relief as he shrugged. "I don't know," he admitted. "Start from the beginning, I guess. Before Tristan. What's your family like?"

I felt my heart constrict within its chest walls at the mere mention of my family. I hadn't thought of them since I left France and never looked back. I found myself telling Sirius this.

"Why not?" he urged.

I frowned, wondering what it was about Sirius that made me actually want to have these conversations with him that brought up bad memories. Maybe it's because I knew he actually understood me when I spoke of the heartbreak I've had to endure. And I've unfortunately had to endure a lot. "Once upon a time, I-I loved my family. We weren't perfect. Even in the slightest. But…but they were my family. My father worked two jobs to make ends meet, my mother worked night shifts and weekends at the local hospital's reception desk for extra money, and my older brother and I learned to deal with hand-me-downs and secondhand clothes. But none of that seemed to matter because we were happy. Until…" I trailed off, chewing on the inside of my lip anxiously.

"Until?" Sirius urged.

I didn't respond immediately as I turned my head towards the ceiling, following a crack in the ceiling to the back wall. "Until my father lost his Ministry job when I was five years old and he decided leaving his family was easier than dealing with the shame and guilt."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sirius' mouth drop open in shock.

"And at that moment, everything changed. My mother became an alcoholic and soon lost her own job. My brother was only thirteen and was basically forced to take care of me. Which he could do during the summer and during holidays, but he was at Beauxbatons most of the time. He wanted to drop out but he knew he could get a better-paying job if he finished Beauxbatons. So the next four years for me were a…well, they were a struggle. A day didn't go by when my mother wasn't drunk. She did odd jobs here and there but nothing that substantially paid the bills. In the beginning, my father sent money occasionally but it wasn't enough and then he just stopped altogether. I was simply forgotten about in the end."

"Oh, Keegan," he murmured, his eyes filling with deep sympathy. I should have been used to the look in Sirius' eyes, but it still made me feel slightly ashamed of the childhood I was forced to live. I hastily continued.

"My brother finally graduated Beauxbatons and he was able to return home. He got a job and raised me for the next two years by himself. I'll always be grateful to him for that."

"But?" Sirius said, sensing my hesitation.

I frowned, thinking back to the year I went off to Beauxbatons. I had been so proud and so excited to be able to follow in my older brothers' footsteps. "When I went off to Beauxbatons, my brother and I wrote every week to each other and he sent me money when he could. And then suddenly the letters stopped in November."

"Don't tell me…" Sirius said cautiously.

"He didn't die, if that's what you're thinking," I murmured. "But he might as well have. I returned home for Christmas to find out he had moved out. I later discovered he had actually gone looking for our father. Paul had always blamed our father for our misfortunes. And he wanted answers. He wanted an apology. He wanted recognition for the fact that our father abandoned him. He wanted money in order to give himself and me the things we never got to appreciate because our father chose to forget about us. Paul resented our father and I don't think I'll never know what really pushed Paul over the edge, but one day he just couldn't take it anymore and up and left to go find our father."

"Did he find him?"

I shrugged. "I have no clue. That was the last I ever heard from him."

I could feel Sirius' eyes bearing a sympathetic hole through mine, but I refused to look over at him. I could feel the shame and the misery rising up within me and I was afraid one glance into Sirius' eyes would just remind of the betrayal and pain I felt when I learned that just like my father, my brother and only ally at the time had abandoned me just to focus on his own frustrations. "How is it that none of us never knew all of this about you?" Sirius probed.

"It's not something I like talking about," I murmured. "In fact, I haven't mentioned my family since I moved away from France. When I left, I told myself I would never look back. And I haven't. All I've ever done was look forward. It's worked pretty well except for…"

"Tristan?" he finished.

I didn't respond but I didn't have to. He knew he was right. "Everyone at Beauxbatons knew exactly who Tristan Moreau was," I continued. "How could you not with your father in the ultimate position of power in the France wizarding world? I had very little interaction with him before the Christmas break of my first year. That all changed when I returned."

"I hope this is where the story gets good," Sirius teased, poking me in my side.

I chuckled and turned to face him for the first time since I began my story. "Yes, Sirius, this is where rich royalty takes me under his wing and turns the pauper into a princess."

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "Okay, if you tell me at the end of this that this was actually the plot to a fairytale you read as a kid that you prefer to take on as your own because your own childhood was actually quite boring, don't think I won't hex you."

I found myself laughing at the fake accusation, lightly shoving his shoulder with my own. "Merlin, I wish."

He smiled. "Okay, so in walks Tristan and sweeps you off your feet."

I rolled my eyes. "He didn't sweep me off my feet," I urged. "I was intimidated by him beyond belief. Here I was a girl who pretty much lost her entire family and had no money to my name and he pretty much had the world handed to him on a silver platter. Even as an eleven-year-old, I knew enough about social status to know our worlds would never collide."

"And yet they did."

A smile crept on to my lips as I thought back to that January day. "There was this secret room in the dungeons that I thought only I knew about. I had discovered it earlier in the year and went there every time I just wanted to get away from it all. One day, Tristan stumbled across me there. Turns out, he was looking to hide as well. Of course he was just hiding from all of the people who wanted to swoon over him for being a Moreau and I was merely hiding from myself and the crappy life I had been given. It was...it was my room. A room where I could feel safe and secure in a world where I knew I wasn't. And he was encroaching on it and I didn't care who he was. Merlin, I remember yelling at him to find a new hiding spot as there was no way in hell I was going to give mine up just because he was a Moreau."

Sirius chuckled. "I'm sure he loved that."

"Actually, he did," I said softly, sighing nostalgically. "I was the first person who treated him as just Tristan and not as a Moreau. And he was the first person not to judge me for my family's misfortunes. We became fast friends much to my surprise. I told him of my rocky childhood and he spoke of his desire to make a name for himself one day where he wouldn't always be known as the son to the Minister of Magic. We talked about everything. He became someone I trusted and I shared with him all my secrets. And he shared with me, too. He truly cared about me, something I hadn't felt in a long time. I ended up spending most of my time with him during the summers and holidays. We quickly became inseparable. And somewhere down the line, we…we fell in love." I was surprised to find myself really smiling at the memories I shared with Tristan. That had to be a good sign, right? Considering I couldn't remember the last time I thought of Tristan without wanting to break out into tears.

Sirius' hand twitched and I wondered if he had been planning on reaching out to me once again before stopping himself. I slowly rocked to my side to face him, smiling reluctantly. "Y'know, his father once told him that as a Moreau, it might be better for him to choose a girl more suited for their social ranking."

"What an ass."

I shrugged, slowly shaking my head. "No, he was more just letting Tristan know that a lot of people would have negative things to say about someone like him dating someone like me. Hell, all of the girls at Beauxbatons had plenty to say. It kinda explains why I lacked friends there," I snickered. "But the moment Tristan told his father that I was the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life with, his father accepted me with open arms. Tristan's family became mine. They all took me under their wing and never saw me as that poor, impoverished girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Tristan gave me a second chance to love life. He only ever saw me as me. Not the broken and lost me who I had convinced myself I would always be. And when Tristan proposed our last day at Beauxbatons, I didn't even need to think about it before saying yes wholeheartedly. I knew that I would be with him forever. And I was so grateful that I would finally have the family I had always longed for."

That time, Sirius didn't stop himself from brushing a stray hair from my eyes, his own eyes never wavering from mine.

The smile on my face quickly faded as I thought about what happened next. I laid my head on Sirius' shoulder and he hesitantly wrapped his arm around me. "When Tristan died," I started hoarsely, "I didn't just lose my fiancé or my lover or my best friend. I lost my family." I could feel a shiver run down my spine at the very reminder.

"Oh, Keegan," Sirius whispered, burying his lips in my hair.

I shrugged him off, feeling oddly weird talking about Tristan while naked beside Sirius. "My brother and my father didn't even show up to the funeral. My mother did, which I guess is a plus, except she was completely intoxicated. After the funeral, I went home, packed all of my stuff, left for England and never looked back."

"Until now," Sirius murmured.

I met his guilty gaze. "Until now," I whispered.

Sirius let out a deep sigh and I knew he was suddenly wishing he had never asked me about any of this. "Y'know, when I asked you what your family was like, I expected the usual trite response of 'they're really like any other normal family,'" he teased.

Dammit, I was smiling again. How was it I could feel so horrible one minute and so amused in the next all due to Sirius Black? "They are hardly normal," I snorted with a laugh.

"Apparently," he said, a smile still on his face.

Sometimes I wondered where I would be today if Tristan and his family were still alive. Would he and I be married and living in some large mansion somewhere? Would I still be a writer? Would Tristan have followed his dreams in becoming a Healer or followed in his father's footsteps to work in the Ministry somewhere? Would we have kids? We would have wanted to have kids? Would we be happy?

It's that last question that I was always afraid of asking myself. Because the day Tristan died was the last day I was ever truly happy.

"Keegan?"

I retreated from my thoughts. "Hm?"

"Thank you for telling me all this. I know it couldn't have been easy. I appreciate you sharing a little bit about yourself with me."

I hesitated, glancing up at him. "Really? I thought for sure I just scared you off."

I expected Sirius to laugh but was surprised to see a frown slowly frame his jawline. "At least the surname Rouge doesn't put preconceived notions into people's head when they first meet you," he murmured.

Suddenly, I saw something in Sirius' eyes that I have never once witnessed before: rejection. "Tell me," I urged.

He turned to me and slowly nodded. "I don't know how much you know about me, Keegan," he continued, his voice flat. "Probably more than I knew about you considering my family's exploits are plastered all across the papers. But-"

"You're not like them," I found myself saying softly.

He frowned, clearly thrown. "I don't know how much I believe that considering I'll always be associated with the likes of them. And I couldn't tell you the moment I realized that I didn't agree with my family's beliefs, but I had become pretty separated from them at a young age. I…I had moved in with the Potters when I was sixteen. And before that, I pretty much stayed with James a majority of my summers and holidays. My family gave up on me the moment I was sorted into Gryffindor, if not before then."

It was obvious his expression was struggling between gratitude for the Potters and shame for his family. I twisted to my side to get a better look at him even though he was clearly trying to avoid looking me in the eye. Which was understandable. It wasn't everyday Sirius Black showed any sort of vulnerability. "We really are a lot alike aren't we," I said softly.

He met my gaze and nodded. "Not in the best of ways, sadly," he murmured.

I felt a chill run down my spine once again and I knew it wasn't because of the cold. It was because I realized how weird it should have been that Sirius and I were sharing some of our more intimate insecurities from the past with each other. It was even weirder that it didn't feel weird. "Tell me about growing up," I said softly.

I felt him stiffen slightly under my touch. "What's there to tell?" he murmured.

"Pretty sure I said the same thing before spilling my guts to you," I teased, waggling my eyebrows at him.

That put a trivial smile on his face. "There really isn't much to tell, Keegan," he admitted. "My family worshipped the Dark Arts. They worshipped Voldemort and they worshipped the Executioner before he was killed. They worship Death Eaters and all of their practices. I had grown up believing that murder and torture were completely justified. My cousins set fire to animals for fun. My parents lectured me for hours about the importance of blood status. They fed me lies about how toxic Muggles were. My best friend as a kid was Rodolphus Lestrange for Merlin's sake!"

My heart literally ached at the angry desperation in his voice.

"It wasn't until I finally got to Hogwarts and was placed into Gryffindor that I ever finally felt as if I could change my past and alter my future," he continued with a shrug. "The people that I encountered knew perfectly well what my last name represented and yet they didn't judge me for it. James, Remus, Peter, Lily, Kay, and…"

"Riley," I murmured.

He shrugged. "It wasn't just about her, though," he said hastily. "For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. I had Gryffindor to thank for that. And since the day I was sorted into Gryffindor, I never looked back at all of the bullshit I had to deal with. I started living my life instead of hating it."

I smiled. It was exactly what I had done the moment Tristan entered my life. "We really are more alike than I ever imagined," I muttered, suddenly finding myself feeling quite guilty for the way I had acted towards Sirius from the very beginning. "Sirius, I'm sorry," I blurted out.

His eyebrow arched. "For what? It was my life. You didn't-"

"No, not that," I sighed.

When I didn't continue immediately, he rightfully asked, "Well, then what?"

I let out an elongated sigh. "For never giving you a chance," I murmured.

He looked thoroughly confused. "What are you talking about?"

And then I blurted out everything I had been keeping in sine the day I met him. "You look like Tristan," I murmured. "And you act like him. It scared the hell out of me. That first day I met you, you had the same swagger Tristan did. You sounded like him with your cheesy jokes and the way you winked at me and flashed me that suave grin of yours. It…it was scary how much I saw Tristan in you in just that single moment. So instead of just shaking your hand like I should have, I gave you a look and said-"

"'Wow, you really think highly of yourself, don't you?'" he finished my words for me with a twisted smile.

I nodded guiltily. "It was easier pretending as if I didn't like you right off the bat so I didn't have to be around you so much. So I didn't have to see Tristan in your every move and every word you spoke. And then it just got easier pretending like I hated you," I muttered. "Because the truth is, Sirius, if anyone here could have understood me, it would have been you. And it's clear that you do. But I-I didn't want anyone to understand."

I could feel his curious gaze on me and I knew immediately what his next question would be. "Why not?" he asked.

I hesitated, slightly resenting him for asking me that question even though I had expected it. Slowly, I turned to face him. "Because then it would have become real."

"What would have?" he continued probingly.

I let out a defeated sigh, turning my gaze away from his once again. "Everything," I whispered. "The moment I left France was the moment I-I became a totally different person. I just wanted to forget everything that I left behind. The good, the bad, the in between. None of it mattered to me anymore. France is where I left the past behind and…that's where I wanted to keep it."

He didn't respond immediately, gathering his thoughts carefully. We both sat in silence for quite some time. I could tell he was seriously thinking about what I had said while on the opposite end of the spectrum, I was just trying to forget all of it. Finally, Sirius turned to face me with a lopsided smile, filled with sympathy and understanding. "Of course it mattered, Keegan," he spoke softly. "If it didn't matter, you wouldn't have wanted to get away so badly."

I felt a lump starting to form in my throat as I attempted to swallow the regret away. "Yeah," I whispered. "Yeah, I know."

He leaned over to kiss me. It was exactly what I had needed at that moment. I didn't need him to fill that moment with any words of comfort or wisdom. I didn't need him to offer me any more sympathetic looks. I didn't need him to spout out any sort of understanding. A kiss just said it all.

I found myself smiling as he pulled away. "Y'know what, Sirius Black?" I said slyly. "You're not so bad."

He chuckled and fell back against the pillow. "Says the girl naked in my bed," he teased. "But coming from you, that's actually a compliment."

I laughed. "Don't get used to it."

He smiled as he met my gaze. "Don't worry. I won't."

I found myself smiling back. He really wasn't so bad. In fact, he was a pretty good guy.

But don't tell him I said that.

++SYDNY++

When James wasn't in the office on Monday morning, I somehow knew where to find him. "Maybe you should just buy cigarette-scented cologne, Potter," I said, strolling down the alleyway to greet him. "You still get the same affect and you don't look like a bum."

He scowled at me. "Quit sneaking up on me, will ya?"

"I'm an Auror. I can't help but be stealthy," I said with an unapologetic shrug.

"Whatever," he murmured.

"Well, gee, you're bright and chipper this morning."

He glared at me. "Don't make me throw my cigarette at you."

"Have I mentioned recently how bright and-"

"Chipper I am. Yeah, I got the gist," he muttered.

I sighed. "What's eating you now, Potter?"

"Nothing. I just wanted a cigarette."

"You've smoked more in the past week than in the combined past two months. Hasn't anyone told you it's a disgusting habit?"

"Hasn't anyone told you that I could literally not care less?"

"Seems to me that's your mantra for everything," I sighed. "Not caring, I mean."

He frowned, deliberately not meeting my gaze. "Maybe it is," he eventually spoke.

"Or maybe the problem is you care too much," I said, eyeing him curiously.

Surprise flickered in his hazel eyes for a brief moment before it once again settled into his recently typical impassiveness. "Yeah," he murmured. "Maybe."

I frowned. He sounded so dull, so monotonous. As if his life was just passing him right by and he was alright with letting it. Sirius said he wanted me to help him but it was clear James wasn't going to make that easy. I thought back to eight years earlier and wondered if someone had tried helping me, if I would have let them. Probably not. I was as stubborn as they come and I had just been hounded with an ultimate betrayal. I probably wouldn't have listened to God if he had descended from the sky and attempt to shake me out of my misery.

Then again, I would have had to believe in God for that to even be plausible.

"James, what do you want?"

"Another cigarette," he said without missing a beat.

I sighed. "I meant in general. In life. In this crappy world that we have to call home. What is the one thing that you desperately desire?"

He hesitated, musing the question over in his head. A long contemplative silence followed as he rolled the almost-finished cigarette in his hand around in his fingers. Eventually he spoke. "Another cigarette."

I didn't respond, frowning in disappointment. He reminded me so much of myself eight years ago. And I in no way, not even a little bit, wanted him to turn out like me. I sighed. "I could use one, too."

He shrugged, handing me the half-empty pack. He whipped out his wand and lit the end of it for me. I wasn't much of a smoker but I've been known to do it from time to time depending on my stress level. Personally, I preferred a bottle of wine to drown my sorrows in.

"I want the truth. It's all I've ever wanted."

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, surprised that he had actually answered my question, albeit very delayed. "Truth about what?"

"Everything."

I frowned. "I don't have all the answers, Potter," I said slowly. "Not even close. I wish I did. And maybe I have more answers than other people in your life do, but that doesn't mean that I know the truth behind it all. I'm just trying to help as much as possible."

"I never said I wanted the truth from you, Lafevre," he murmured, shrugging. "I know you don't have all the answers I seek and I don't expect you to. I don't expect anything from you. You've told me more than I ever thought I would need or even want to know. For that, I thank you."

Wait a minute, did he just thank me? "Did you just thank me?"

He rolled his eyes. "Don't make a big thing out of it," he snorted. "I'm thanking you because I now have to tell you that maybe it's time you went back to France."

"What?"

He shrugged. "You came here to protect me, Sydny," he said softly. "But you can't do it anymore. No one can protect me but myself. I'm on my own to fend against Voldemort. I've accepted it. Maybe everyone else should, too."

It frightened me more than anything how much he sounded like my father in that moment. His words so cold and unfeeling. His eyes vacant and dispassionate. As if he were just going through the motions of his life but not really living it. I tried to shake the thought out of my head. I was absolutely not going to let James Potter turn out like my father. "You're not alone, James," I spoke firmly. "So stop trying so hard to be."

He threw his cigarette butt to the ground and turned to face me. "I am not going to let anyone die because of me. It's…it's my fault everyone is…" he trailed off.

"No, it isn't," I said softly, shaking my head.

He laughed. But it wasn't a good laugh. It was a cackle full of cynicism and scorn. "Liar. You and Dumbledore have made it pretty clear that Voldemort wants to destroy me and in doing so, he is going after everyone I've ever cared about."

"James," I said firmly, turning to look at him. Really look at him. I felt my heart ache at the skepticism in his eyes. "It's not your fault."

"Whatever."

My heart skipped a beat as I approached my next question. "You said you wanted the truth, right?"

He barely glanced at me, shrugging. "What's it really worth now, hm?" he murmured. "Turns out, the truth won't set me free. It won't set anyone free."

I hesitated. "This truth might," I said softly.

Now I had his attention. I took a drag of the cigarette before glancing his way. "Do…do you remember the Executioner?"

By the puzzled look on his face I could tell he was completely thrown by the odd change in subject. "Er…yeah. Voldemort's right-hand man ten years ago? Before Death Eaters were around, they were basically the only two partners in crime if I recall. He ended up going crazy, killed a bunch of Muggles and then turned on his family?"

I flinched and nodded. It still sounded so callously brutal. "It took ten Aurors to finally pin him down. And one Auror to kill him off."

He was gazing at me now with complete and utter confusion darkening his eyes. "Er…okay."

"Do you know who that one Auror was?"

"Should I?"

I frowned. "It was a British Auror," I said softly. "By the name of Jonathan Potter."

I saw him freeze, his eyes widening ever-so-slightly. "How…how did I never know that?"

"His identity was kept very secret from the public. At the time, it was just Lord Voldemort and the Executioner as they started assembling some of the darkest minds in the wizarding world to eventually form the Death Eaters. Could you imagine what would have happened if Voldemort knew at the time it was your father that inevitably killed his fellow cohort?"

Realization hit him. "Yeah," he spoke quietly, a lump clearly forming in his throat. "He'd go after every single person in that guy's life until they were all destroyed."

Tears prickled my eyes but I quickly wiped them away. I hadn't cried in years and I wasn't about to start now. "It is not your fault, James," I said softly.

"No, apparently it's my father's," he said, his voice cracking as he fell to the concrete defeatedly.

I sighed. "That wasn't the point of my story," I argued softly. "My point was that this all comes back to one person. And it's not you. This is all Voldemort's doing."

He blinked, not responding.

Now I wasn't anywhere near a girly girl but the idea of sitting on a hard slab of dirty alleyway concrete was not my cup of tea. But seeing as he looked so helpless, like a shaggy dog after being left out in the rain all night, I sighed and slid down the wall to sit beside him. "James," I said softly, wishing I had the right words to say to him.

He didn't bother acknowledging me. Just flicked his cigarette butt into the street.

I turned away from him, glancing towards the brick wall across from us covered in all sorts of brightly-colored graffiti. "I said it before and I'll say it again. Take it from someone who knows," I continued, my voice oddly dispassionate, "Don't force yourself to be alone if you don't have to be."

He blinked. "Thanks for the advice but it's a little late for that."

"Yeah," I whispered. "I know."

We sat in silence. It was clearly what he needed and while I knew that there must have been turmoil dancing around in his mind, I knew that no one would ever be able to help him through his fears except for him. So I didn't bother trying anymore. He didn't want anyone's help and I knew what it was like to have unsolicited advice thrust upon you far too often. It's one of the reasons I left Italy.

"Lily was going to be next, Lafevre."

I didn't have to ask what he meant. I knew he was referring to Voldemort's bloody hit list. I opened my mouth to argue or to offer comforting words or to say anything encouraging. Except I realized I couldn't argue, nothing I could say would be comforting, and I had no words of encouragement. Because he was right. She probably was next. "Doesn't mean the answer was breaking up with her."

"Technically she broke up with me."

I shot him a look. "Because you told her you didn't love her. What did you expect? For her to shrug it off and say 'oh well?'"

"No, I expected her to break up with me."

"Sounds like you planned it."

He didn't respond.

"You do love her, James."

His eyes narrowed instinctively. "How would you know? You don't know anything about our relationship."

I blinked, shrugging curtly. "I know you love her, James," I said, my voice soft and vulnerable.

"Yeah, I love her alive," he spat out, anger permeating his tone.

I sighed. I knew then that he had done the ultimate betrayal by telling her he didn't love her as some sort of backwards way of trying to protect her. "But what are you afraid of more, James? Losing her?" I asked pointedly. "Or losing yourself?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I turned towards him, a grim frown on my face. "By letting her go, you thought you were doing herself a favor. But I guarantee you're going to soon find out that she was the reason you got out of bed in the morning. She wasn't just your girlfriend, she was your entire world. And when that realization hits and you suddenly feel as if you're left with nothing, you're going to lose whatever semblance of a life you had. You'll become nothing. Nobody. You'll hate yourself and you'll hate the world. And you'll continue to blame yourself even though it is not your fault."

"Gee, this is one hell of a pep talk," he muttered irritably.

"I'm not trying to give you a pep talk, Potter," I pleaded desperately. "I'm trying to make you realize that this is your life. It may suck, you may be afraid, you may wish you were anyone else but you right now, but suck it up and act like a man. Stop blaming the unpredictability that comes with a war and start taking responsibility for the way your life turned out. Stop hiding from your life and start living it. No matter how sucky it might be."

"Maybe I don't want to live it."

I could tell he hadn't meant to say those words aloud, the cringe on his face evident. "I wouldn't want to live it either if I just let the love of my life go."

"I had to do it."

"No, you didn't. You only felt like you had to."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "I'm really tired of people trying to tell me how I feel."

"I'm not trying to tell you how you feel," I sighed, shrugging. "I'm trying to tell you how I feel."

"Well, butt out Ms. Narcissistic."

I was amused to see a smile on his face. And not a derisive, cynical, mad-at-the-world kind of smile. An actual smile. So I smiled, too. "Hey, if you don't want to talk about you, I'm more than happy to continue talking about myself."

"Okay, why'd you leave Italy?"

"Nowhere in that did I say you could ask me questions about myself," I argued, my smile growing.

He let out an overdramatic sigh. "Then I choose silence."

"Of course you do. Seems to me you enjoy living your entire life in silence."

He shot me a look. "We're not talking about me, remember?"

"Right," I chuckled, shrugging. So I started to talk about myself. "My life fell apart once," I started slowly, not caring if I had his attention. "In a matter of seconds, everything changed. Everything that I had ever known ceased to exist anymore. I felt helpless and lost and confused and betrayed. My perspective on life and on myself had to be altered dramatically. And instead of accepting that new perspective, I ran from it. I ran from my life and I ran from myself because I didn't think any other option was even viable at that point in time. At least I didn't want to believe I had any other options. I thought that being alone was the best thing for me. The only thing for me. And at that time, maybe it felt easier. Maybe it was my best choice. But was it my only choice? No. Did running away make any of the changes easier? No. Did running away make me feel any less helpless or lost or confused or betrayed? No. It just meant that I had no one to turn to except for myself."

Without even glancing towards him, I knew that I did have his attention. "Being alone sucks as it is, James. Being lonely sucks even more."

I finished off my cigarette and tossed it into the street before climbing off the cold, dirty pavement. Without so much as looking at James, especially considering that was the first time in a very long time that I even remotely opened up about any sort of feelings that I may have had in the past eight years and was feeling slightly embarrassed about it, I strolled out of the alleyway. I had gone a quarter of the way when I heard him call out after me.

"Sydny?"

Hesitation resided within me as I slowly turned around. "What?" I said coolly.

"If you could go back to the moment everything fell apart, would you choose another option other than running?"

I froze. Truth was, I probably wouldn't. I hadn't lied to him – I often felt alone and I definitely felt lonely at times. But with the way things blew up in my face eight years earlier, it definitely wasn't a hard decision to run away. It didn't make dealing with it easy but I couldn't face the people around me. I couldn't face their pity and their curiosity and their fear staring back at me. The moment Dumbledore gave me the option to join forces with him, I practically jumped at it.

But the whole point of my speech was that I wanted him to realize he had made a mistake with pushing away Lily. Even if I, myself, hadn't made a mistake pushing away the people in my life. "I didn't have someone I loved," I said, avoiding the question. "So it was an easy choice to make."

"And you're fine with the way things turned out?"

That was an easier question to answer. "No," I said almost immediately. "But I stopped questioning where my life was headed a long time ago and just learned to accept it."

He frowned. "It's hard accepting the truth."

I shrugged. "You're the one who asked for the truth."

He slowly stood up off the sidewalk wiping the dirt off of his black robes. "Yeah," he sighed, slowly making his way towards me. I started walking and he fell in line. "I did, didn't I."

That was the last thing either of us spoke all the way back to our office.

As we sat down in our respective cubicles, I couldn't help but just add one more thing. "James, if all you really want is the truth, don't you think that Lily might just want the same?"

++SHANE++

I was busy cursing Ecuador when my door creaked open. I glanced up and was surprised, yet oddly pleased, to see Lily hovering.

"So…I've been avoiding you," she admitted softly.

I nodded. "I know."

She sighed. "You've been avoiding me."

"Yes."

"I've been a bitch."

"Once again, not going to argue." But I smiled.

She entered my office hesitantly. "Lily, it's fine," I started, sitting back in my chair with a sigh. "I shouldn't have tried to give you any sort of advice. After all, you were right. What do I know about relationships?" Considering the only girl I want to be with is in love with someone else, the answer to that was absolutely nothing.

"You weren't trying to give me advice," she mused, slipping into a chair opposite me. "You were just trying to help. And I snapped at you."

"Because I was trying to help sooner than you needed it or wanted it. I only did it because I hate seeing you like this."

"I know," she murmured, agony flickering in her beautiful green eyes. All I wanted to do was scoop her up in my arms and tell her that she was special and she deserved to think she was special. I hated knowing that she truly thought of herself as a nobody. Because she was definitely a somebody. At least to me she was.

"I've just been trying to give you space, Lily," I admitted with a crooked smile. "It's clear that that's what you needed. And I don't want to step on your toes."

She hesitated. "It's okay. I want you to step on my toes," she sighed. "I need you to step on my toes."

I shrugged. "I'd be more than happy to oblige. Hopefully metaphorically however because dancing so isn't my thing."

She laughed and then quickly stopped, a flicker of surprise resting in her eyes.

"I missed that laugh," I blurted out, knowing that she was wondering when the last time she had even bothered to laugh was.

She met my gaze and for what I could only call a really good sign, she smiled. "Yeah. I did, too."

I shared with her an identical smile.

And suddenly her smile wavered as she took a deep breath in, exhaling softly. "I-I can tell you anything, right?"

I nodded. "Of course."

She slumped down in the chair, clearing her throat awkwardly. "I was so busy being angry and resentful towards James for what he said, that I…I didn't stop to think about why I was so angry and why I was so resentful."

"Besides the obvious?" I teased.

She barely cracked a smile, suddenly finding an interest in picking at her fingernails. "I am afraid that the person I am today is because of him. And I am afraid of losing the person I am today because I no longer have him," she said softly. "I-I don't know when it happened, but instead of just being me, I became an us. With James. And now? I…Merlin, I don't know. I'm probably sounding crazy, but I just want to be able to live my life and live it to the fullest. I just hope I can do that without him. Is any of this making sense?"

I shrugged. "No," I said with a teasing smile. "Because I know you, Lily. You. Not the you and James. Just you. Which is why you're here talking to me and not one of your other friends."

She hesitated. "What do you mean?"

"They only know the you and James because that's what it's been for four years. Me? I only know you. And I know that if you really want to live your life to the fullest, you can do that without him. In fact, I don't think you can do it with him."

She frowned curiously. "What do you mean?"

I mused over what to say and how to say it before I let my mouth do the talking. "You deserve better," I urged with a curt shrug. "You deserve someone who is going to tell you every damned day that you are special. You deserve someone who is going to love you unconditionally and tell you every spare second that he loves you. You deserve someone who appreciates who you are. Who loves your laugh and doesn't want to let a second go by without trying to make you laugh because of it. You deserve someone who isn't going to betray everything you've ever felt for four years. Who is most definitely not going to be the reason you start questioning your individuality. You. Deserve. Better."

She blushed but a smile crept on to her lips. She stood up and came around my desk to unexpectedly embrace me. "I think I needed to hear that," she said, letting out a sigh of relief. "And maybe one day soon I'll be able to embrace my individuality."

"You should," I pleaded, nodding reassuringly, "Because as an individual, you're one hell of a woman."

She shrugged awkwardly. "I don't know about that, but thank you-"

"I know it," I argued. "Your personality is as sparkling as your beautiful green eyes. Your smile can light up a room and you don't even know it. You have immense strength inside of you and you're intimidating as hell. I'm pretty sure the U.S. is always the first to sign any treaty or proposal not necessarily because they believe in it but because they don't know how to say no to you. You're not only a good employee, but you're a good friend. You're the one people go to for advice. Whether it be work advice or relationship advice, people feel comfortable talking to you. You're fun, you're attractive, and you are selfless beyond belief. You're the total package, Lily. Don't let James take any of that away from you, you got that? You deserve to know how special you are. And if James can't see that, then he's the biggest idiot in the world."

She was staring at me in awe and I wondered if perhaps I took it a bit too far. She hadn't asked for me to ramble on and on about her good qualities, but how could I help it? She really was one hell of a woman and dammit, she deserved to know that. But it might have been a little too much a little too fast.

I was about to open my mouth to apologize to her for getting slightly too intimate, when she suddenly took me by surprise.

She kissed me.

A/N: Oops? I hope this was a sufficient chapter for one-of-four! I realize that it wasn't terribly exciting but I felt it was important to get some insight on 1) Lily's thoughts on the break up, 2) Keegan's past, 3) the reason behind the target on James' back, 4) Sirius and Keegan, 5) Sirius and Lily, and 6) Shane. Lots of information scrammed into one chapter. Hopefully it was enough to tide you over until the next!

Oh and for all of those who keep asking about Riley, patience m'friends. She's-a-coming soon.