The Windsword Clan

Story 26

The silence stretched and stretched. Entilza's expression was hard and unreadable. But Nelonn could not help but feel the waves of conflicting emotion. Anger, yes, but at whom? At Nelonn? At the dead Serati? At the Drakh? At herself?

And pity, too, but also for whom? Nelonn? The dead Serati? Hielanni?

And something cold, calculating. That grew and washed away the others.

"It would be a terrible waste to let you confess this in public. You would go to prison. And I would lose your service, for all the bright potential of your youth. A waste. And very unfair, seeing that a human who did the same thing would be applauded. Venmer may be right. It may be time to consider a post racial form of law. Especially for the Anla'shok, who are composed of all the races of the Alliance."

That was a bit of an oversimplification; the Anla'shok were about 2/3 human and 1/3 Minbari, with a scattering of others, not all of them still Alliance races. There was, famously, a Centauri male prophet recruited by none other than the famous Capt. Punch.

"I must consult Venmer. Wait here."

Nelonn waited. Fear churned in his gut. He had not been afraid when he was in combat. This was Entilza Delenn, the great, the noble, the chosen of Dukat, a cherisher of life. She already said she was not going to allow him to be imprisoned. What could he be afraid of?

She was consulting Venmer, who had made his career helping victims of violence overcome their traumas. What could he have to be afraid of?

Yet he knew, with some kind of prescience that he had never before experienced, that something dreadful was coming. Perhaps his telepathic talent had burst the limitations of space and was now reaching out into space-time.

Delenn came back in. She had spoken to Venmer in her inner sanctum, and now returned to her living room.

She never met with Nelonn in her office, since he was an undercover operative. To the outside world, Delenn was just another client.

"There is a way to speed up the conclusion of this phase. Venmer was reluctant to mention it, and does not recommend it. I shudder to think of it, and will not order it, but I give you the opportunity to choose it over throwing your life away on Minbari law."

"That sounds ominous," Nelonn squeaked. He was annoyed at his tone; he was an adult now, and ought to sound like one. "But whatever it is, Entilza, if you wish it, I must—"

"No," Delenn said. "It is a choice. Not much of a choice perhaps, but a choice nonetheless. There is something that terrifies you. That you should already have confronted, in the way of the Anla'shok."

"Many things frighten that part of me that is not me," Nelonn husked. "What did Venmer say?"

"That in the absence of the person on whom you imprinted, the place in her dreams will do."

"Tifar? You're sending me to Tifar?" Nelonn's eyes widened. For just a moment, he was tempted to choose prison. But he rejected that. Entilza was right. If it terrified him, he had to confront it. That was the way of the Anla'shok. And it had always worked for Carla.

"I see Venmer did not overestimate your terror. This will serve three purposes. Firstly, in the way of the Anla'shok, you will confront your fear and overcome it. Secondly, to relieve your burden of guilt, it will serve as a punishment. And thirdly and most importantly, you will develop an entirely new set of traumas of your very own, fresh wounds that will wash away the old. Things Carla never experienced, and could not experience. So that when you think of Tifar from now on, you will picture your own body, and not hers. That will short circuit the imprint, according to Venmer. Who does not approve of this plan at all."

"If he does not approve, does that mean it will make it worse?"

"No. He says it will work. It is merely cruel, and perhaps illegal. Certainly immoral. Except to save you from a purposeless, wasted life of idle regret. That is the only reason I am proposing this solution."

"Entilza, you are clearly planning something beyond sending me on a tour of some buildings. Will you speak plainly?"

"Yes. I will send you with your – friend – from your training. Mark Slough."

Nelonn blushed.

"Yes, I am aware of your, ah, romance. Some trainees made a game of spying on other trainees, to prepare themselves for their future in intelligence work. They kept the Sechs fully informed of all that went on. You doubtless thought you were being discreet. I hope your tradecraft has improved since then."

"Hardly a romance," Nelonn mumbled.

"Your relationship, then," Delenn said. "Did you imagine I was unaware of your needs?"

Nelonn cleared his throat and looked at his feet.

"Be that as it may," Delenn said. "I have selected Mark Slough only because he is the only person I could think of who would be willing to do these things, and that you and I could both trust to return you to me fit for duty."

"Fit for duty," Nelonn echoed. "The same constraints that Comac operated under. That applied to Carla."

"Yes. The same. I wish I could think of some other way, Nelonn. But you are not fit to serve as you are. You are bursting with the desire to confess, and be punished and absolved. I cannot have a secret agent running around the galaxy screaming his guilt at every other telepath he passes, and according to Venmer, you are really quite loud inside right now."

"Oh. Oh. In Valen's name, you're right, he's right, I want out of this secrecy, but if I let it go I will no longer be a Ranger."

"That is so. Choose now, Nelonn."

"Secrecy and pain, and a way out and back to my service to the Anla'shok, or a lifetime of public shame and no chance to do anything useful with my talents," Nelonn said. "Ever. You are right, Entilza, it is not much of a choice. What will Mark – do?"

"I leave the details to Mark. I wish to know as little as possible of such things. Only that he will do things that could never have been done to Carla."

"You mean things that can only be done to a male," Nelonn whimpered. He closed his eyes and tears rolled down his face.

"Stop crying," Delenn ordered harshly. "I have given you more of a chance than the law allows, and I will have to keep your secret to save face for you."

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be such a, a child. I shouldn't be. Anymore. But I can't just shut off my emotions just because of a ritual and a number."

"What is your choice, Nelonn?"

"I'll go." He covered his face and sobbed.