A/N: First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES POTTER :D SEX RIOT TIME WHAT. Okay, so... yeah. I don't have much to say other then Maddy is a smarty pants and didn't realize when she wrote the author's note last chapter that you can't copy and past links :/ nice job... my tumblr is ().com GOT IT? OKay cool. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT ENJOY AND also I'll be publishing a few other things tonight just for the lovely James's birthday.
"What's wrong?" I gasp on an early December morning, the light just barley peaking through the curtains, the clock reading nine. It's a Saturday morning, one I planned to sleep into until at least eleven, but the sound of a slamming door and sobbing Alice woke me up. I'm sitting up in my bed, blankets pooled around my waist and hair sticking up every which way as I try to figure out what has gotten Alice in such a state of distress.
"I don't want to talk about it!" she cries, before running into the bathroom and slamming the door. Luckily, Mary and Marly are already up and at breakfast, so the ruckus she was making didn't disturb anyone but me. Well, lucky for them and not me.
Sighing, I hop out of bed, almost tripping over my tangled sheets, and make my way to the door, where I knock and plead, "Alice, please open the door." I hear more sobs, before she slowly cracks the door. I see a tear streaked cheeks and a splotchy complexion, as well as her Quidditch robes adorning her shaking frame.
"Sirius-he came and talked... yelled was more like it-after prac-practice," Alice stutters, before scrubbing her eyelids with the back of her hands. I slowly back away from the door and grab her hands, before leading her over to the beds and sitting down next to her.
"Okay, just calm down and tell me what happened," I request in a soothing voice, slowly rubbing circles into her shoulder. After a few minutes, her sobs die down and she starts talking.
"Well, it was right after practice..."
Alice was just about dead, sweat dripping down her forehead and cheeks flushed from the cold wind whipping against them. The crazy practice schedule James had sent out at the beginning of the month was killing her, what, with seven o'clock practices on Saturdays, but they had a big game against Slytherin coming up after the Christmas hols so she could understand it.
After a cold shower, she slipped back on her robes, cursing herself she had forgotten her regular clothes, before stepping out of the girl's locker room in pursuit of the Great Hall for some of that delicious crispy bacon. She was stopped on her way though, for Sirius was waiting outside the door of the changing rooms, a hard expression on his face.
"Sirius," she said, nodding at him, before making a move toward the castle. He halted her by grabbing her arm, and spinning her around to face him.
"We need to talk."
"I have nothing to say to you," she replied harshly, "Now I'm off to the Great Hall for some breakfast."
He let her walk a few steps before saying, "You know, we're going to have to talk about this sometime. Best to get it out of the way now, right?"
She whipped around and stared at him with blazing eyes before shouting, "What are you going to do? Are you going to yell at my for staying with Frank or for leading you on? Are you going to yell at me, make me feel worse for lying to everyone I love?"
Sirius shook his head, biting back, "Oh no you don't. Don't stand there and act like you are the victim here. You are the one who lied, who broke my heart. You are the one who said you were going to break up with him and then got engaged to him. You didn't even have the guts to say it to my face."
"I couldn't, Sirius! I couldn't tell you!"
"And why not? Why couldn't you just give me a chance to convince you?"
"Because Sirius, because you are reckless and stupid and insane. But you are everything I want in someone. Sirius, if it were any other situation, I would choose you over him. But it's not, we are in a war, and I can't leave Frank. He is safe, you are a risk. It would be selfish of me, to leave him. I knew if I told you... I would crumble. Just like before, I would crumble and you would be there to pick up the pieces and I couldn't do that to you again."
He shook his head and said, "You aren't the person I thought you were. I thought you were someone brave, someone who would follow their heart. Don't you see it's selfish to stay with Frank, to stay with him when you don't even really love him? It's okay not to be okay sometimes. I thought you were someone who I could trust. But you aren't. You're just some cold bitch who led me on and broke my heart. Have a good life, Alice Longbottom."
And with that, he walked away, up toward the castle as Alice collapsed to the ground and broke into sobs.
"And then, after I collected myself a bit more, I ran up here, but I guess I just kept thinking about what he said... he was right, Lily. God, I can't take this. How do I make this right?"
I shake my head, her story still spinning around in it, and say, "Alice, I don't think there's anything you can do. Let him cool down... just give it time. Time is the only thing that can heal the wounds, if anything can."
She nods, sniffling her nose, and replies, "You're right. But, if there's hope for you and James to be friends, maybe there is for us." The word friends catches my ear and I feel like breaking down into sobs, because being friends with James kills me, but I can't tell her that.
"Maybe."
She decides to carry on, saying, "You and James had time apart and look how good you two are together! I mean, you don't talk much outside of rounds, but it's progress! And there are no messy feelings or anything like that, it's so simple!" I want to correct her, I do. I want to tell her there are messy feelings, on my part at least. There's the fact that I'm pining away for him while he goes off and flirts with that skank Amanda, there's the fact that he doesn't think of me as anything more then an acquaintance.
I don't know what to say, so i just nod weakly.
It's the Friday before the Christmas Hogsmeade and I'm idly chewing on a piece of toast, debating what scarf to wear on the trip when something down the table catches my attention. As always, Amanda skips over to the Marauder group, flipping and twirling her hair as she goes. I suppress a growl, not wanting to alert Alice of any suspicious, non platonic behavior.
The thing that is so strange about it, though, is that fact that James isn't flirting back. I can't quite make out the conversation, because of the loud chattering in the Hall, but I can tell from his body language that he isn't responding to her advances. He actually looks kind of sick, like he's extremely uncomfortable. I try not to squeal in pleasure at the new development. James always responds to her flirting, but I guess today isn't her day.
There's one thing that I can hear and that's her loudly asking, "So James, will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" Alice seems to hear it too, for she whips her head around to watch the situation unfold. All four Marauders turn to look at each other, and it may be my imagination, but I swear Sirius glances my way.
James runs his hand through his hair nervously and murmurs something quietly to her, his lips moving to form words I can't understand. I can guess his answer though, from the way her face screw together and twists into a scowl, before she flees the Great Hall, a few of her friends jumping up to follow her. There is a quiet chuckle that runs through the Gryffindor table, and Sirius holds up his hands to high five James. To that, James shakes his head, before grabbing his belongings with slumped shoulders and leaving the Hall.
"Wonder what that was about," I nonchalantly sigh, before happily taking a bite of my eggs. I know I shouldn't be happy about Amanda getting rejected, but I am.
"I know, it's so surprising he didn't say yes," Alice replies, "The way they've been going at it for weeks, I was sure he would say yes. I mean, with the flirting and making out, everyone thought they were together!"
And suddenly a pit grows in my stomach, as soon as the words leave her mouth. Because just a few months ago that was me. That was me, flirting with James and making out with him secretly, though we never made it official to the public, I was just like Amanda, completely pathetic. I hate what he turned me into, I always despised those girls who chased after him, hoping for a quick hook up, and that's exactly what I was.
"Oh," I murmur quietly, "I guess I didn't realize they were that close. I've...uh.. got to go." With that, with no explanation to Alice or myself, I hop up and leave the Great Hall, a huge lump in my throat growing.
At that moment, I feel alone, more than I ever have. My family is no use, what, with my sister hating me and my parents so oblivious. Alice doesn't know the full story, and probably never will, because I know I can't burden her with my problems when she has to many of her own. Of course there are the Marauders, with Remus who could never really choose a side and Peter whose always been a bit dim witted, not someone who I could really confide in. Sirius seems to think I'm the one who caused the break up, and well, then there's James.
To be honest, he's the only person I want to talk to. I think of our long conversation over the summer, all the things I told him about my sister, about my problems. I think of how we whispered out secrets under the moonlight, how we didn't have a care in the world. But the memories are tinted with this dark filter, one that tells me it was all such a lie. What I thought it was and what I was feeling was so very different from what he was. And I've gone over it in my head so many times but this time it feels different.
I'm kind of storming down the mainly empty halls, head pointed down, and I don't really know where I'm headed when I hit a hard object, reflected onto the floor with my books in a heap. When I glance up, I see James, looking confused with his belonging also splattered around in the corridor. We both let out a giggle, before rushing around to pick our things up.
I grab my History of Magic book and shove it into my backpack, before reaching for my Potion's notebook at the same time James does. My hand hits his and suddenly I freeze, as does he. It's just like back in October, when he came to get Alice for the match, like the whole world stopped around us. Our eyes meet and this time, the pause is longer, where we just kind of look at each other. It's weird and strangely awkward.
A scurrying first year ruins the moment when he dashes through the hallway, glancing down at us as he heads for breakfast, obviously having overslept. We both jump back, mumbling apologies, and finish grabbing our stuff.
"Um... can I walk you to Potions?" he asks once we are both up righted. I nod, biting the inside of my lip to stop from smiling at the gesture.
"So," I start as we meander to the classroom, "That was quite a scene."
He laughs nervously, running a hand through his unruly hair and responds, "Yeah, she uh… I don't think she really got that I wasn't looking for anything serious."
"You never are, are you?" I bite back severely, regretting it as soon as it drips off my tongue. "Sorry," I apologize, "Still I bit bitter, as you can see."
James shakes his head and says, "You have every right to be. I… I just wish I could explain it to you, all of it."
Anger fills me again and I retort, "What is with you, you and Sirius telling me I don't know the full story, but then not telling me the full story? What is so dangerous that you have to keep from me, but so important that I know?" It's driving me crazy, the fact that I know he's hiding it from me.
A heavy sigh escapes his mouth and he buries him head in his hands, saying, "Shit, Lily, I wish you knew. It would… I just wish you knew."
"Knew what?" I cry, now completely pissed off, "Know what, James? Standing here saying you wish I knew something doesn't change anything unless you tell me."
"I'm sorry," he whispers, almost to himself, "I'm doing it for you."
"You're doing what for me?" I practically yell, grunting in annoyance, before storming off into the classroom. I had a feeling today would not be my day.
A/N: Please Review, tell us what you liked! Sorry they aren't back together yet :/ ALSO IF SOMEONE FAVORITE THIS STORY WHOSE USERNAME STARTS WITH E, PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW WE HAVE SOMEONE LOOKING FOR YOU.