The Ashes Left Behind

Thanks to Jaycie Victory, beta extraordinaire, and apologies to NorahB for her perfectly justified reservations about this chapter. I promise you'll like Joey better in the next one!

Chapter Twenty-five

Joey Potter was laughing. Head thrown back, cheeks red from cold and exhilaration, tongue caught between her teeth, as Jack whirled her round and round the ice. Pacey imprinted the moment on his memory, as he watched from behind the fence at Capeside's outdoor, seasonal rink.

"Hey, why aren't you skating?"

Pacey pulled his eyes to Andie as she skated toward the gate beside him. "Waiting for hot chocolate." He gestured at the concession stand behind them. "Apparently, they're out."

Andie frowned, brows pulling together in distress. "Out? How can they be out? Hot chocolate is the fundamental purpose of an ice rink concession stand."

"I told them exactly that. Except louder. Now I think they're hand-grinding cocoa beans just to spite me."

Andie giggled. Her cheeks were as red as Joey's, her elfin face charmingly framed by Jen's blue hat and scarf. She looked happier today than Pacey had seen her in a long time.

"So where's Mark? I was starting to think your skates were tied together out there." Pacey's tone was light, and he smiled his approval.

"His lace broke; he went to get a new one. I was going to get us some chocolate, but if they're out..." Her face set in a determined expression as she stepped off the ice. "Maybe I'll just have a word." She wobbled—it was difficult to walk on the snow in skates—over to the stand.

Pacey tuned out Andie's strident discussion with the poor kid running the snack bar, as he again found his eyes drawn to Joey. She was in the middle of a whip line now, Jack and Jen beside her, with Jen holding onto Eric Carter on her other side. Pacey had been surprised when Jen showed up today with the West Coast transplant in tow, but Joey hadn't. Apparently, it had been in the making for some time.

"So the machine clogged," Andie said as she leaned on the fence beside him. "They had to clean it out, whole big thing. But she promised me it will be ready in five minutes."

Pacey chuckled. "Did you get her life story while you were at it?"

"No, I just—" She waved at Mark, who was looking for her from the other side of the rink.

Mark grinned, waved back, and started skating to her, only to freeze—smile and all—when he noticed Pacey by her side. He signaled to Andie and joined the whip line instead.

"I didn't think I was that intimidating."

"It's the height. And the guilt makes you loom larger."

"Well, you can set his trembling heart at ease. In spite of my best efforts and the dictates of evolutionary biology, I don't hate the guy. He seems nice, and he's obviously crazy about you."

"Yeah, well, he had a head start. He was already crazy when we met." Andie's response was flippant, but she looked pleased by Pacey's approval.

Mark hadn't struck Pacey as unbalanced. He doubted the Mayfield Center would have released him if he was. He was quiet, a bit timid, slightly wary, but seemed kind and smart. "Just saying, if you had to have a boyfriend after me—and there is a fine nunnery in the area—you could have done worse."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Really? It hasn't been so long I don't recognize that post-coital glow about you, McPhee."

"Pacey!" Andie's face turned a stunning watermelon pink.

Pacey's laugh destroyed the innocent expression he tried to assume. "What?"

"That's so...I don't think I can talk about this with you of all people."

"And here I was, thinking I was the best person you could talk to, the only one with the inside track, so to speak, on the rare privilege of being Andie McPhee's boyfriend." Invitation given, Pacey returned to watching the skaters. Andie would confide in him, or she wouldn't. The important part to Pacey was that she knew she could.

"He lives in Cranston is the thing. And he'll be going to college in the fall. Even supposing he goes to Harvard, like we've talked about, that's a whole extra year over an hour away. You and I, we had a pretty strong relationship before I went away, and we couldn't survive the distance for less than half that time. Trying to start a relationship under those conditions is ludicrous. So, for now, Mark and I are just good friends."

"With benefits," Pacey snickered.

Andie's foot stomp was much less effective in slippery skates. "So what? Girls aren't allowed to have a fun night with a compatible, no-strings-attached partner? Or just me in particular? Because I have to say, Pacey Witter, I find the double standard implicit in that kind of—"

"Whoa, whoa." Pacey raised both hands in surrender. "I wasn't judging you, Andie. Teasing you, yes. Mocking you, maybe a bit. But not judging. Whatever this thing with Mark is—or isn't—seeing you happy is good enough for me."

"Oh. Thanks, Pacey. I'm sorry I—"

"Hot chocolate's ready!" the concessionaire called out.

Pacey and Andie led the line of cold, eager buyers, each purchasing two cups. They moved to the side table to put on lids. Pacey dared a sip to gauge temperature and taste.

"So how long has it been since you had sex, Pacey?"

Pacey spewed hot liquid all over the snow. Another patron heading for the lids stopped short. "Uh, they aren't kidding around with those heat warnings." Pacey balanced the cups in one hand and pulled Andie back to the fence with the other. "What the hell, McPhee?"

She fluttered her lashes innocently while struggling to hold back laughter. "What? As your friend and ex-girlfriend, your well-being is very important to me. And a healthy sex life is a key component of general wellness in a libidinous adolescent male such as yourself. So—keeping in mind self-love doesn't count—how long has it been?"

Pacey was glad his face had long since gone crimson from cold. His embarrassment didn't show as clearly. "Lovely as this chat has been, I'd better get Potter her cocoa before she—"

"It was that night with Joey, wasn't it?" Andie's eyes went round in exaggerated surprise. "Pacey! That was almost five months ago!"

"Uh, actually, we didn't...well, I didn't..." He was torn between his desperate desire to not be having this conversation at all and his need to reassure Andie that his infidelity hadn't proceeded so far. "My last time was with you, all right? Happy now?"

Abruptly, Andie's mirth vanished, replaced by distress and pity. "Pacey, I'm sorry. I didn't realize—"

Pacey waved a Styrofoam-filled hand to shush her apologies. "It's fine. I'm a big boy, McPhee. I can handle it myself—figuratively and literally." He laughed as she wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Okay. Well, I, I guess I should get this to Mark." She raised one of the cups in her gloved hands.

"And, as I was saying, I have no wish to face Joey's wrath."

Andie carefully skated in Mark's direction. The boy intercepted her and pulled her to a bench on the other side of the rink.

Pacey spared himself the trouble. "Potter!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "Hey, Potter!" When Joey looked in his direction, he raised the chocolate and jerked his head toward the nearest bench. His slow walk brought him there at the same time as her skates.

Showing off her flexibility and grace, Joey used her long legs to slide over the thigh-high fence. An image Pacey didn't need directly on the heels of Andie's sex talk. Unaware of Pacey's dirty thoughts, Joey snagged one of the cups from him. "Thanks. What took you so long?" She sank onto the bench, sipping at the warm beverage, wrapping the long, slender fingers of both hands around to soak up the warmth.

"They were out." Pacey shrugged as he sat beside her.

"Incompetent fools," scoffed Joey.

"I figure we can forgive them, since you were having so much fun out there."

Joey smiled one of her rare, full smiles and nodded. "We should do this more often. I forget how much I love it."

Growing up in New England meant you learned how to skate almost as soon as you learned how to walk. Joey, Pacey, and Dawson had made trips to this rink every winter since Pacey could remember. He was glad Joey was able to enjoy today, though, without memories clouding it.

"Yeah, maybe we should bring Alex down, put him in his first pair of skates, laugh every time he falls."

Joey giggled. "Well, I'm watching him on New Year's, remember? So, if you'd care to join us..."

"Uh, actually, you're not." Pacey fingered the envelope in his pocket. He'd intended to give it to her on the ride home, but now was as good a time as any.

"Yeah, I am. I told you, Bessie and Bodie are going to Caroline Lowell's party, and I'm—"

"Here." He shoved the package unceremoniously into her hand. Jesus, he was bungling the whole damn thing.

Joey eyed the unmarked, white envelope dubiously. "What is that?"

"An envelope, Potter, obviously. Yet everyone insists you're the smart one."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, smartass. If we're being pedantically literal about things today, what's in it?"

"A present."

Joey shook her head, trying to hand it back, as if she had a presentiment of what it contained. "You got me a birthday present and a Christmas present, which means we're square till next September."

Pacey refused to acknowledge her outstretched hand. "But see, for being such an extra, specially good girl this year, you, Josephine Potter, have won yourself an all-expenses-paid trip to New York City."

Slowly, Joey opened the envelope and stared down at the train ticket in her hand.

"I bought it when Jen got hers, so don't worry, you're with the group. It's non-refundable, so don't even think about weaseling out. I already cleared it with Bessie, too. She's given her consent to my watching the baby in your stead, so your sister is clearly a woman of unflinching courage and questionable judgment."

Joey continued to look only at her ticket. "I don't understand...how...why?"

Pacey shrugged. "You wanted to go. And with your family's sudden leap to financial independence, I've had some disposable income burning a hole in my pocket." He shifted uncomfortably. "It's no big deal."

"Why do you always do that?" She sounded frustrated, but still didn't look at him.

"What? Buy train tickets? Pretty sure that's the first one I ever bought in my life. As for why, couldn't tell you. Either I really like you, or I have a burning need to ship you out of town."

Finally, Joey looked at him. Her lips were pulled thin in annoyance, but her eyes were chocolate, warmer than the cooling cup in Pacey's hands. "Not the ticket. Everything. Over and over again, you just...you do these things, these amazing, unbelievable things—things no one else would even think of—and then you brush them off, like it's nothing. It is a big deal, Pacey. You...you're...thank you. Just...thank you."

Pacey didn't know whether to be more pleased by Joey's gratitude or by leaving her tongue-tied for the first time in their long acquaintance. "You're welcome." He drained what remained of his cocoa. "Now, how 'bout you and I go show these city kids how to really skate?"

"Maybe this isn't a good idea," Joey said for the umpteenth time in the last two days. "Winter storm warnings in the forecast, Y2K doomsayers predicting the end of the world. What if we get stranded?"

"Then it's a good thing you'll be within easy reach of all life's amenities." Pacey kept his gaze on the hazardous winter roads as he drove her to the train station.

"We're completely unchaperoned. And given the kind of behavior which got Jen sent up here in the first place, frankly, I'm not sure she should be entrusted with our safety."

Pacey chuckled. "That reminds me, did you pack a camera? If you get talked into doing anything illegal, I want pictures."

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Joey's scowl and crossed arms. "Why aren't you even a little upset that all your friends are abandoning you, leaving you stuck in crappy Capeside babysitting the monster?"

"Couple o' reasons. First, compared to the swarm of devil spawn currently infesting my house, your nephew will seem one of the cherubim. Secondly, after seeing you almost every minute of the last week, maybe I'm ready for a break, Potter. Ever think of that?"

"I was sick of you a long time ago. You're the one who keeps showing up."

"And finally," Pacey continued, ignoring her retaliatory barb as he pulled into the station lot, "I think the girl who is one day going to wipe the dirt of this town from her feet might need some practice in venturing out into the wide world before that day arrives."

Joey clung to the green backpack she was taking with her for the whirlwind trip and stared nervously at the waiting train. "Okay, I'm scared. How pathetic is that? All my big talk about getting the hell out of here, and, at the first opportunity, I choke."

He pressed her shoulder. "You've only choked if you don't get on the train, and you're getting on that train if I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you there. You'll be fine, Potter. You're going with friends, and Jen knows her way around—in a purely geographical, directional sense, and with no judgmental, moral implications attached."

Joey forced a weak smile. Jen was on the platform, saying goodbye to Grams. Andie's Saab pulled in next to the Wagoneer.

"So what's it gonna be, Jo? You hopping out, or must I drag your ass over there?"

"I'm going, I'm going." Reluctantly, Joey opened her door and slid to the ground. She paused when Pacey didn't do the same. "Aren't you going to see me off?"

"Not really a fan of the protracted farewell. Especially when I'll see you again in less than twenty-four hours. Sure you don't want me to pick you up tomorrow?"

"Andie's giving me a lift. We're getting in at a quarter to ungodly early in the morning. You might as well sleep, given that you're not going to miss me at all."

"Now that's one lie I didn't tell today."

Joey's face softened, but Andie called to her from the other car, warning of time. Joey waved acknowledgment.

"You'd better go. See ya next year, Potter."

Joey swung her pack around on her shoulder. "See ya tomorrow, Pace."

For all his professed indifference to the parting scene, Pacey didn't drive away until their train had left the station.

After an afternoon trouncing his nephews at Street Fighter, Pacey was as happy as he'd predicted to trade them in for one sweet, little toddler. He showed up at the Potters' about half-past five, far too early if he judged by Bessie being in her bathrobe when she opened the door.

"Hey, Pace, Bodie's getting Alex his dinner. I'm running late, so he'll fill you in. Thanks again for doing this."

"No problem," Pacey told Bessie's retreating figure as she disappeared into her bedroom.

Alexander sat in his high chair, chowing down on fish sticks and cooked carrots.

"I know, I know," Bodie said. "Not up to my usual standards. But I figured I'd save you the clean up on both child and kitchen. Bess gave Alex a bath this morning, so—barring disaster—he should be fine without one tonight. You know his night routine?"

Pacey nodded. "Unless it's changed drastically in the last few months, teeth brushed and jammies at eight, followed by stories and cuddles, light's out by eight-thirty."

Bodie chuckled. "You sound like an old pro. There's plenty of food in the fridge. Feel free to help yourself. TV's in our bedroom, but it's fine if you want to watch."

"Thanks. Hey, have you guys heard from Joey at all?" Pacey cursed himself for asking the question which had been looping non-stop in his mind.

"Yeah, she called Bess about an hour ago, just to let her know they got in safe. They were meeting up with some friends of Jen's." Bodie gave Pacey an appraising look. "I'm surprised you're not with them. Mrs. Ryan could have watched Alex."

"No, she couldn't. She's got some sort of all night prayer-a-thon at her church." Pacey shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. At least Joey got to go." The bedroom door opened, and Bessie stepped out in a slinky black dress. Pacey gave an appreciative whistle. "Bodie Wells, you are most definitely a lucky man."

Bodie smiled at his fiancée. He kissed her bared shoulder while she struggled to put on her right earring. "Couldn't have said it better myself."

Bessie rolled her eyes. "Knock it off, Pacey. Leering isn't worthy of you. Bodie, have you seen my black handbag?"

"No, but I can look for it." He slipped into the bedroom.

Bessie sat on the couch to tie on her strapped black heels. "I expect to find both son and home unscathed on my return, Pacey."

"Sure thing, Bess. Hey, Alexander's old enough for his first porno, right?" Bessie's glare would ignite plutonium. Pacey raised his hands defensively. "Kidding, kidding. Strictly a Barney environment, I promise. Although the amount of time those kids spend supervised only by a seven-foot, purple dinosaur is frankly worrisome."

Bodie emerged with the purse. After another dozen last-minute instructions, he and Bessie headed for their party.

"Guess it's just you and me, little man," Pacey told Alexander in the silence following their departure.

"Ho, ho, ho!"

Pacey laughed. He'd taken great pains to teach Alex that in the weeks approaching Christmas. With Christmas over and done, the kid refused to give it up. He cleaned Alex's face and hands, then spent the next few hours entertaining him with toys and filling the silence with a rambling monologue which far too often circled around a certain absent aunt.

"Whatcha think, kiddo? Think they're at Times Square yet? Your Aunt Joey was pretty scared about this trip, but I'm sure she's scowling like a native. After all, we've given her lots of practice, haven't we?"

"Rrawr!" said Alex, waving his dinosaur in Pacey's face.

With nothing else to do and no other company to be had, Pacey let bedtime slip a little. But by eight-twenty, the baby was rubbing his eyes and yawning, so Pacey bundled him into his pajamas, grabbed some stories, and took him to bed. Alex was snoring before nine.

Pacey raided the fridge, found some of Bodie's four-cheese dip, loaded up on chips, and headed for the bedroom to watch Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve. It was the same, moronic blend of bad pop music, fake excitement, and endless advertising Pacey and his friends avoided every year. New Year's traditionally meant joining Dawson on his annual countdown of favorite Spielberg movies. This year, no Dawson, no Spielberg, and Pacey's only slim chance of seeing Joey was scanning the millions of bystanders in Times Square every time there was a shot of the crowd.

He was fully aware of the depths of his lameness.

When had he become this guy? His inability to think of anything but the girl didn't bother him. Since the onset of puberty, Pacey had had a one-track mind. He figured that was standard for adolescent males. But this waiting on the sidelines, incapable of action, was new and extremely frustrating. He could blame circumstances, but circumstances hadn't favored pursuing Miss Jacobs, and Pacey hadn't let that stop him.

But Joey...this was something different. She was something different. Pacey was petrified to the point of paralysis by the possibility of screwing it up. She filled too many roles in his life. She was his best friend, but she was also his best friend's girl. She was the woman he was in love with, but also the lonely little girl he wanted to protect. He wanted to lose himself in her lips, in her body; he wanted to hold her close and keep her safe.

Instead, he'd sent her three hundred miles away, where she would probably ring in the New Year in some stranger's arms. What the hell was wrong with him?

Disgusted with himself and Dick Clark, Pacey channel-surfed in search of the elusive better option, but eventually dozed off.

The phone's shrill ring brought him up fast. Pacey rubbed his eyes, checking the red numbers on the digital alarm clock. 12:08. He'd slept through the New Year. He fumbled for the phone. "Hey, Bess, Alex is fine. Sleeping, just like the last three times you called."

"Good to know, but it's not Bess." Joey was yelling to be heard over the chaos around her.

"Jo? Happy New Year, Potter. How's New York?"

"Crowded! And noisy. But really, really fun."

"I bet. I looked for you on TV, but couldn't see you through the masses."

"We're actually above the Square at a party. One of Jen's friends got us in. Better view, and a lot warmer, though not significantly less crowded."

"So what are Jen's New York friends like?"

"Surprisingly nice, for the most part. Though I punched this Drue guy in the face a few minutes ago. His New Year's kiss was decidedly gropey."

Pacey forced a chuckle, though he felt sick. "See? I knew our Potter girl wouldn't have any trouble looking after herself in the big city."

"Yeah." The conversation stalled, but there was no silence with the pulsating music and raucous celebrations in the background. "Well, my time's almost up. I just called 'cause...I guess I wanted to thank you again for this trip and to say you were right. I am glad I came. And to say happy New Year's, and I miss you. Which, before you mock me, yes, I realize is a ridiculous statement when I saw you this morning and will, no doubt, see you tomorrow, but I, I wish you were here, Pace."

Pacey's throat constricted. "I wish I was there, too, Potter. I...I..." The words froze on his tongue. He chickened out. "I'll see you soon, 'kay?"

"See ya," she whispered like a promise.

The line went dead.

"Pacey! Pacey, wake up!"

Someone shook his shoulder, pulling Pacey out of a disturbing dream where he was both himself playing Street Fighter and the character on the screen getting his spine ripped out.

"Huh? What?" He started up to find Bessie leaning over him in the dim light of her room.

"Sorry to disturb you," she said, sounding amused, not apologetic, "but I'm going to need my bed, and, unlike my sister, I don't let just anybody in it."

"Right. Sorry. I'll head home." He shook his head, trying to wake up enough to find his shoes.

"It's after two in the morning. You don't have to do that. Bodie's setting up Jo's bed for you."

"Thanks, Bess." Pacey stumbled out to the living room. Bodie was just pulling out Joey's pillow to throw on the mattress. "Thanks," Pacey said again. He fell across the sofa bed, burying his nose in Joey's clean scent and, smiling, went back to sleep.

Her body was draped over his, her lips painting a seductive, wet trail down his chest.

"Jo, Joey," he groaned, squirming in his desire to be with her. "Joey, I love you."

She raised her head, brown hair falling like a curtain around her frowning, perplexed face. She opened her mouth and wailed.

Not Joey crying. A baby's frustrated sobs. They went on and on and...

Still half asleep, Pacey swung his feet to the ground. Alexander's cries acted like a homing beacon.

"Stay put, Pacey." Bodie waved him off as he headed from his room to the baby's. "I got it. Seems like you got your hands full already."

Pacey emerged to wakefulness, to the gray light of pre-dawn trickling in through the window and the heavy weight across his back. The weight that felt and smelled and breathed like a sleeping Joey Potter. Carefully, he twisted onto his side, away from her, but her arm hung over his waist. When he moved, so did she, but she only nuzzled in between his shoulder blades and released a dreamy little sigh. A wet drool spot near his shirt collar gave him an idea where his dream had originated.

Taking her hand, which was dangling over his abdomen, Pacey laced his fingers through hers. "Welcome home, Jo," he whispered.

Joey let out a snore.

Pacey smiled, closed his eyes, and sought in vain for his interrupted dream.