Like Juggling Snowballs through Hell
The significant others of the Lords and Ladies of Hogwarts all trudged sleepily to the bathroom. Some brushed their teeth while the others queued for the loo.
In the yacht's kitchen, the house elves set the table for the multitude of ravenous witches and wizards that would soon come down.
Miles away, an old wizard sat and fretted in a jail cell.
Other miles away, a slightly younger wizard sat and fretted in a Ministry office.
Super miles away, Voldemort was throwing a tantrum because he couldn't find Darth Teddy.
And back on the yacht, Ron Weasley knocked on Harry's door. "Morning!" he said brightly, carrying in a tray loaded with breakfast stuff.
Harry sat up and grabbed the thick rimmed spectacles with the lenses missing. "Hey Ron. You didn't have to bring me breakfast."
"I know," the redhead said, dividing the mountain of food evenly. "But I wanted to talk a little business. Where does our plan go from here? We got rid of Dumbledore…now what?"
"Hell if I know. It seems like ages."
"That's because one of our authors already contributed the last bit, one has writer's block, and the other one won't hop off Glee's dick long enough to get back to her true fandom."
"HEY!"
Both boys jumped.
"Who was that?" Harry asked, looking around.
"JUST THINK OF ME AS THE VOICE OF GOD, YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE SHITS."
"Aw, come on…we didn't mean anything by it," Ron whined.
"SURE…. MIND YOUR ATTITUDE. I'M THISCLOSE TO HAVING NEVILLE AND HERMIONE SPEAK IN NOTHING BUT BIG SEAN QUOTES FOR THE REST OF THE DAMN STORY."
"Okay, okay!" Harry yelled at the ceiling. "We're sorry."
"Anyway," Ron continued. "They're bound to get another headmaster or headmistress soon—"
"YOU'RE GETTING ONE TODAY."
"Do you mind?" Harry asked.
"NOT AT ALL."
"Will we like them?" Ron asked.
The only sound was from the activity in the hall.
"Asshole."
"I HEARD THAT."
"Look," Harry said, buttering a crumpet. "We'll just play it by ear. If it's someone totally wretched, we'll handle them just like we handled Dumbledore. Well…maybe not just like that. But you get what I'm saying."
Ron walked up the steps of the Grand Staircase, whistling. It had been a good day. They'd actually gone to class for once, and hell, even participated. Flitwick had let him practice the hiccup charm on a few Slytherins, the elves had served his favorite lunch, and they'd gained a few more people to the Lord Baron Potter Black cause. Yes, things were looking up.
"What are you smirking at, Weasley?"
"Afternoon, Blaise," Ron said, his voice deepening. "Want to meet in the Room of Requirement later?"
Blaise glared at him. "Fuck off, Weasley."
"Anything you say, Zabini."
At that moment, there was a loud noise outside. Like a sword being unsheathed, only a thousand times louder. Both boys looked out of the window towards the forest. Flocks of birds were lifting into the air as the sound repeated over and over.
"This can't be good," Ron muttered, bolting back down the stairs.
By the time he made it back out to the lake, the rest of the Pottermore house was there as well. He was about to run up the plank, when the Giant Squid shot out a tentacle, grabbed him, and placed him on board. It was getting rather familiar with them lately….
"What's going on?" he asked.
"Hermione's speed reading," Ginny said. "We'll have it in a second."
"They're barricades," Hermione said, closing the five thousand page tome she'd just read in under ten minutes. "They'll stop anyone from getting in or out who isn't allowed."
"Try it out, Prongslet," Remus said.
Harry closed his eyes. Nothing happened. "Well, I'll be fucked."
That's when the all heard it….
"Hem hem."
"No."
"Fuck no."
"Dis bitch be cray!"
They all turned and saw the alarming shade of pink they'd come to associate with sociopaths. Hannah and Neville stood protectively in front of their concubines and the first years. Hermione took Ginny's hand as the redhead glared hard enough to give a stone statue nightmares. Harry was so consumed with rage he fell to the ground laughing hysterically.
"I think they finally broke him," Tonks muttered. "Harry James Potter, on your feet or I won't use the paddle tonight!"
That got his attention. He scrambled to his feet as Umbridge called up to them.
"Harry Potter and cohorts! You will return to your regular houses immediately!"
"Just you try and make us!" Harry shouted back.
Umbridge just smiled her evil little smile and walked back to the castle.
"Right," Harry said, turning to the group. "Until we get this old bat out, no one goes anywhere alone, understood?"
The group murmured assent.
"To the bat cave! It's time to plot…."
Hermione and Ginny rapped on the headmistress's door after dinner. Calling on her fabulous acting skills, Ginny managed to produce some tears.
"What do you want?" Umbridge asked, eyeing them suspiciously through the door.
"To help you get Potter," Hermione said.
Umbridge looked doubtful. "Well, stop blubbering and come in. What exactly turned you away from your leader?" she asked scornfully.
"He's out of control!" Hermione yelled. "He won't listen to us anymore."
"I didn't like Dumbledore," Ginny sniffed. "But I want to be loyal to the Ministry. Like my brother, Percy."
Umbridge smiled. "Why should I believe you? You lied once before – I haven't forgotten."
"We brought you something to show we were serious," Hermione said, taking some parchment out of her pocket.
"What's this?"
"His map of Hogwarts," Ginny said. She tapped it with her wand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
Umbridge's eyes widened as the map spread out before her. "Girls…."
"We just want to help," Hermione said. "We want to be a part of Hogwarts again."
This time they could nearly smell the malevolent glee radiating off the woman – or perhaps that was just her putrid perfume.
"Very well. You wish to help?"
"Yes."
"And you, Miss Weasley?"
Ginny nodded.
"I thought Potter was your one true love?" she asked mockingly.
"He's obsessed with that two bit trollop, Tonks," she said bitterly. "And he said he thinks redheads have no souls!" she added, sobbing again.
Umbridge stroked Ginny's cheek. "There there…. We'll set him straight. You two will spy on him and report back to me, understood? I want to know everything he's planning."
"Yes ma'am."
"Go."
"I can't believe she bought it!" Colin yelped.
"I can't believe she took the map," Harry said, chuckling fit to burst. "She's going to be scarred for life…."
"I will never feel clean again!" Ginny hollered, still scrubbing the side of her face that Umbridge had besmirched.
"Come on, love. We'll take a nice bubble bath," Hermione said, pulling her out of the room.
"On that note," Dean said, grabbing Ron and dragging him out.
In less than a minute, all of the couples had scattered, leaving only the first years in the main parlor.
"Ever wonder what they all get up to?" Oliver asked.
"No," the other two said.