Tuesday, August 9

Olivia opened a pair of groggy eyes, the early morning sunlight wafting gently over Alex's room, a scene that had become familiar to her over the past several weeks: the chair backed against a corner, the dresser, strewn with whatever necklace the attorney had worn the day before, the open door of the closet. She felt the space occupied next to her, and turned her head toward the sleeping attorney, whose hair had fallen gently over her face during the night. The detective watched her for a moment, relishing the peacefulness that seeped into the features while she slept, a gentleness that wasn't apparent during the day with the normally clenched jaw, the strong blue gaze. She reached over with a deliberate hand, and lightly pushed away the stray lock of hair, her eyes falling onto the light bruises at the temple, which had become just as familiar a sight as the room around her.

She struggled out of bed, careful not to wake the woman beside her, and shuffled toward the bedroom, a distinct, unpleasurable feeling rising to her throat. She wondered how many mornings the two of them could repeat this same routine, knowing that their actions were not necessarily by choice: Olivia shuddered at the thought of her own apartment, and she could feel frightened Alex was at the thought of being alone. When would they go back to choosing each other, rather than allowing their fear to govern them?

She shook the thoughts from her mind, plucking a pair of pants and a t-shirt from the small space that had been cleared inside Alex's closet, then ducked into the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, wondering when her eyes had become so dark, the brown mixing freely with the darkness of her pupils. She grabbed her cell phone and badge from the nightstand, her fingers drifting automatically towards a number she had dialed more than once in the last week. As she grabbed a banana from the counter, she heard the woman's voicemail pick up. Closing the apartment door behind her, she spoke softly into the phone, hoping her voice didn't sound too desperate.

Elliot heard the familiar clack of heels against the tile, one that he usually associated solely with his ADA; instead he looked up to see Liz approaching him: the same powerful glower, only hazel eyes fixed onto him instead of the usual icy blue.

"Liz, to what do I owe this pleasure?" he asked, his tone revealing his true thoughts.

She ignored his feigned pleasantries. "Don in the office?" she asked.

He gave a shrug of his shoulders, turning his head back to the paperwork in front of him. "Not sure, Liz. You know I'm not his personal secretary."

"Could've fooled me," Liz quipped back, always one to enjoy a pleasant jab.

Another familiar voice echoed through the precinct. "Liz, what's up?"

Liz and Elliot turned, watching as Olivia made her way into the room carrying a styrofoam lunch container, which assuredly held nothing too nourishing. Liz raised an eyebrow at her, the hazel eyes immediately suspicious. "What are you doing here?" she asked, glancing down at her watch.

Olivia tossed a confused look towards the attorney, her eyes darting questionably around the precinct. "Is that some sort of drag against my work ethic, Liz, or are you serious?"

The Chief squinted her eyes at her. "I thought you were taking Alex to the doctor."

Olivia returned the gaze, recognition dawning on her features. "She told me Helen was taking her."

Elliot raised his eyebrows and put his hands on his desk, pushing himself out of his chair, looking for an opportunity to make himself scarce. "I'll go see if Cragen's in his office," he said, creeping past Liz.

Liz sucked on her teeth, and took a deep, calming breath. Olivia dropped her food on the desk, shaking her head.

"That girl is too independent for her own good," Liz said. She tossed a sympathetic glance toward Olivia, pushing down her own worry. "You can give her an earful when you get home tonight. Until then, don't take it personally."

Olivia nodded, but her eyes stared straight ahead, unseeing. "My new motto," she said, the joke dying flatly on her lips.

Elliot walked back over, gesturing toward Cragen's office. "Captain's in," he said to Liz, giving her a feigned smile and a slight bow.

She nodded at him, raising an eyebrow. "You going to get me a cup of coffee, too?" she asked.

"Don't press your luck, Donnelly," he said, taking his seat once again as the attorney clicked away from them. He tried to catch his partner's gaze, but Olivia's eyes were glazed over in a familiar blankness, one that Elliot had seen far too much over the past couple of days.

Olivia pushed open the door to the coffee shop, wondering if Jessica had indeed decided to meet her. She hadn't checked her phone since leaving the request that morning, in a casual attempt to fool herself into thinking she didn't desperately need the therapeutic conversation.

She scanned the crowd, spotting Jessica at a corner table, where she sat with a tall mug of coffee, and an open book in front of her. The detective gave a small wave before stepping in line, ordering more caffeine that she knew would add to the anxiety that had already hardened in her gut. She walked over, giving Jessica a smile as she set her mug of coffee down in front of her.

"Well, this can't be about the case," Jessica said, eyeing the detective as she sat down. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Olivia sighed, her eyes gauging the curious blue eyes in front of her. She dodged the question. "I figured you had the time," she said.

Jessica nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. "For another few days, I have all the time in the world," she said. "Then, thank God, it's back to the land of the living." She paused, considering herself. "Or, the half-living, at least." Her eyes turned serious as she closed her book. "How's Alex doing?"

"Quiet."

Jessica waited for Olivia to continue, but nodded after a slight pause. "Well, come this time tomorrow, this whole thing will hopefully be over. Liz said she doesn't expect the jury to be out too long after closing."

Olivia nodded. "Right," she said. "Verdict. Closure." She rolled her eyes, moving her head down to her cup.

"Olivia, don't diminish the value of the verdict tomorrow. It doesn't change anything, but at least if he's put away for the rest of his life, he won't be branding anymore innocent women." Jessica's cheeks flushed in embarrassment, as if she were chagrinned to be playing the role of justice cheerleader.

"No, I know – I know," Olivia said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, it's supposed to be my job to give you the pep talk here."

"I don't think you asked me to meet you here so that you could give a pep talk," Jessica replied, her eyes taking in the emptiness of the detective's. "It looks like you could use one yourself."

Olivia took a sip of her coffee, not answering. "How are you doing? After yesterday? Did you sleep?"

Jessica studied her, aware of a desperate need in the dark eyes, as if hearing her own answers would help the detective supplement Alex's silence. "I spent the majority of the afternoon sitting and staring out of my living room window. Then I spent most of the night staring out of my bedroom window. Not exactly celebratory."

"What was the hardest thing for you yesterday?" Olivia studied the woman as she looked back at her for a moment, thoughtful.

"Are we doing highs and lows?" Jessica asked, her eyebrow raised as she slipped a small, sardonic smile. "My high would be not vomiting all over the witness stand. Unlike you, I managed to wait until I got home."

Olivia felt her cheeks turn crimson, but shook it off with a wave of her hand. "Clearly my standards are lower than yours," she replied.

Jessica let out a small chuckle, and shook her head as she sipped her coffee, her eyes gazing briefly out the window, becoming cloudy with thought. "My actual low… was looking over at Jamie Worth's poor mother, making eye contact with her. And I saw myself through her eyes, this middle-aged, blonde stranger, and I wondered why in God's name I was even alive." She paused, and her breath caught. "I will never feel that low again." The detective saw her shudder, and she wrapped her arms around her mug.

Olivia swallowed, and the two sat quietly for a moment, the sounds of the coffee shop permeating the grief around them, until Jessica finally spoke, penetrating the silence with a sarcastic tone. "I'm guessing your high was throwing up in the bathroom. What was your low?"

Olivia didn't respond right away, instead allowing her gaze to stare into the black liquid in her mug. "Resentment," she whispered, once again feeling the weighted guilt in her chest. She sipped her coffee, trying to wash the word out of her mouth. She gazed up at Jessica, and she saw a pained recognition there, which prompted her to continue.

"Jessica, I recognized it yesterday. That feeling in the deepest pit of my stomach, this negativity that I couldn't rid myself of. It came out last night, and I was just so tired… of trying. I resented her."

The older woman shook her head slightly. "It's taken a few therapy visits to get to this, but Olivia, I'll save you the time. You're not resentful of her. You want to make this better for her, and you're upset that you can't. Patience, grief, strength, you're giving it all and it's exhausting. You resent what happened, and that's okay."

Olivia felt tears spring into her eyes, and she blinked them away in a heated embarrassment. She felt Jessica's hand warm on hers, and she steeled her gaze out of the window, swallowing hard. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Jessica returned, her fingers squeezing the detective's hand. "It's normal for even a solid couple to have some communication problems, especially after a traumatic event. You and Alex haven't been together that long. There's a lot going on right now that you can't let conflate your relationship."

Olivia shook her head, then nodded, a helpless confusion in her eyes. "I've been staying with her. I wanted to be there for her, just to be there, to make sure she was safe. And I couldn't face going back to my apartment, imagining everything that happened there." She looked over at Jessica, suddenly curious. "How are you staying at your place?"

Jessica raised an eyebrow, as if unsure of her own reasons. "I think it makes me stronger if I stay there. If I left, he would win." She glanced up at Olivia, shaking her head. "It's not a long-term strategy," she said. "But for now, I need something familiar. I can't move into a strange place. I don't trust it." She shrugged. "It's different for you, and that's fine."

Olivia nodded. "I'm looking at other places."

"Maybe that would help. Having a place of your own, being able to let Alex spend some time alone, slowly regain a sense of independence, of trust in herself. Especially in a new relationship. You can't have this be a reason to live together, it will only suffocate the trust you're trying to build."

Olivia looked up at the blonde. "What comes for you, after the trial?" she asked.

Jessica let out a small smile, gave a slight shrug. "I'll go back to work. Smile at coworkers, spend a few all-nighters fixing a speech that an intern drafted. Eventually I'll go out to a dinner here and there, nod as friends tell me about their husbands, or complain about their children's teachers, or how they don't have time to get to the gym as much as they used to. I'll laugh, commiserate, slap on a smile." She fixed her gaze on a couple walking into the coffee shop, hand in hand. "I'll go through the motions. At some point they'll all become meaningful again."

"Sounds like you've got it all planned out."

"Doesn't mean it will happen," she replied. "We can't control everything."

"I at leas hope we can catch up over coffee once in awhile," Olivia said.

Jessica nodded. "I do get something out of these visits," she said. "I always leave feeling a little more normal. And you're a hell of a lot less expensive that Joyce." She laughed, but the sound cut off as her eyes turned serious. She looked hard at Olivia. "But you should still take your own advice. Talk to someone. Or maybe try a support group? They have them for partners, spouses…" she trailed off, and fished into her purse, holding out a small slip of paper toward Olivia. "I looked up a couple nearby, if you want to check them out."

Olivia nodded, reaching through the scrawled addresses. "Couldn't hurt," she said. "Thank you." She glanced back up at Jessica, catching a smile on the woman's lips as she glanced down at her watch.

"Speaking of therapists," Jessica said, taking another long sip of her coffee, her blue eyes flashing with a sense of eagerness. "I'm off to see the wizard."

Alex sat, flipping through an old copy of Psychology Today, as she sat in Joyce Doyle's small waiting room, its modern furniture arranged so as to elicit as minimal emotion as possible from its tenants. The door to the doctor's office opened, and Alex heard Joyce give her familiar "See you next time." Alex raised her head, and her mouth dropped open in silent surprise as she locked eyes with Jessica Flanagan.

"Alex," the woman said, her own eyebrows raised. "I didn't know you saw Joyce."

Alex stood. "I didn't know you were, either," she said, giving Jessica a gracious smile. "I guess we both have Olivia to thank for that. I'm usually here on Wednesday's, but with the trial, I convinced Joyce to squeeze me in today."

Jessica's smile floated from her lips, which straightened into a serious line. "Alex, for what it's worth, I thought you showed great strength yesterday. I can't imagine what was that must have been like..."

Alex raised a curious eyebrow at her. "I would think that you could, actually."

Jessica gave her an embarrassed grin, then quickly turned serious, her words stumbling over her lips. "No, I – I – I'm a spokesperson and this isn't coming out right – " she said, shaking her head. "What I mean is that to see him again, to have him look at you, and to be able to do what you did, I – I – that's something to be proud of."

Alex let out a small smile, and gave a slight nod of her head, the woman's words meaning more to her than she let on. "I didn't feel strong when I was up there," she said quietly.

"No, I'm sure you were terrified. I know I was. But you did it anyway. I don't think there's ever a time when you feel strong. You just are."

"Jessica, keep this up and I won't have to see Joyce today at all." She gave her a small smile, slightly dipping her head. "Thank you."

"Please, Joyce is worth all of the money in the world," she said, with a wave of her hand. "I hope she's helping you. And I do hope Olivia decides to go to a few sessions, or at least check out that support group I mentioned to her. It could be really helpful."

"Support group?"

Jessica nodded. "Hopefully she'll check it out. Otherwise I'll have to start charging her." She gave a slight smile as she lifted her purse higher onto her shoulder.

Alex's expression slowly shifted, her eyes narrowing. "You two have been… talking?"

Jessica took note of the subtle change in the attorney's features, the slow realization dawning in the cerulean eyes. "I thought she'd said something to you," she stammered, confusion contorting her forehead. "We spoke just a few times here and there. I think she just needed to sort some things out."

Alex felt herself swallow the lump in her throat, assessing the woman in front of her. Joyce poked her head out of her office. "Alex, come on in when you're ready," she said, giving the two of them a polite smile.

Jessica turned her attention back to Alex, her smile fading, her eyes apologetic. "I didn't mean to intrude… I'm so sorry if I overstepped my bounds here. That – that wasn't my intention."

Alex shook her head, feigning a smile. "No, no, of course not. I'm glad she's talking to someone – unprofessional or professional," she said with an overtly casual wave of her hand. Her chest felt empty, as if something had been ripped from inside her. She pointed towards Joyce's open door. "I'm going to…"

Jessica nodded as she trailed off. "Of course."

Alex looked at her curiously, noting her lack of anger at the older woman, but still feeling a hollow sadness inside her. "I'll see you tomorrow at the courthouse?"

"I'll see you in 120A," Jessica replied amiably. "Take care, Alex."

"Thank you…" she said again, although she felt a double-sided pang in her stomach as the next words floated through her lips, "… for helping Olivia." She watched as the woman exited and Alex turned once again toward Joyce's open door, plastering a tight smile across her lips, afraid that if she didn't, the helpless sob that was pooling in her stomach would rip violently through her.

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More updates to come, and possibly the continuation of another one-shot?