Tommengate
Elsewhere in Westeros II
"Kyogre? Are you there? Hello? Yes, you're a bitch but this isn't the time, do you know where we are? Vessteross? What's 'Vessteross'?"
- Groudon, finally realising that he wasn't still in Hoenn.
"Tell Lord Footly that I appreciate his objections to supporting my claim to the Iron Throne. The Lannisters may still prove a threat, even now that they have been sundered by the Starks, after all. Yes, tell him that. Xerneas will go with you, to ensure my 'message' is delivered adequately."
- Queen Shireen Baratheon, who is reminding me more of Visenya by the day.
"Groudon, if you destroy this mountain I will personally trap you in a dimension made entirely of water."
"Noted. What are you playing?"
"Strip Werewolf. You wanna join?"
Palkia, Groudon and Dialga at Spear Pillar 2.0
"Well on the bright side...the Mountain Clans are no longer a problem for us? Huh?"
"...shut up."
"I would take Baelish over this."
"I wouldn't. At least the fire monster isn't a creep."
- Lady Anya Waynwood and Lord Yohn Royce
"I swear there was less lava on the maps..."
"FIRE KITTIES!"
"No Tommen! Come back!"
- Princesses Myrcella and Tommen, upon entering the Vale.
"I should be Queen! I am the eldest, therefore the Iron Throne is mine by rights!"
"That might not be the best idea. Firstly, you'd have to prolong this pointless-"
"I agree Cella! You should be queen!"
"Tommen, it's rude to interrupt. As I was saying-"
"I'd trust you on the throne more than anyone else."
"Well that's slightly unfai-"
"Can I be the first female Kingsguard?"
"Can I be Royal Chef?"
"Can I go back to King's Landing without being murdered?"
"Oh this is going to suck."
- Myrcella, Raikou, Tommen, Raikou, Bella, Raikou, Arya, Hot Pie, Gendry and Raikou.
What's this then? A laptop? Why is there a laptop lying about in Spear Pillar?
Oh, Mew is writing a story again!
Hopefully it's a bit less racist this time, we still haven't been entirely forgiven in Orre - though that might be because Kyogre sunk half the continent. I wonder where he's up to...
Tommengate? Ah shit, not that wierdo; I've still got ribbons in my hair from the 'Thundercat' days. And Entei and Suicune wouldn't stop laughing about it for centuries!
Still...since no one else is here...
In whatever month of 300AC this was (Legendries are universally bad at remembering times), Westeros had been truly fucked. Even with the War of Four Kings dying down now that all of them were dead due to a nonexistent conspiracy, unrest still ruled even in those provinces that weren't currently covered in lava. The Reach was a prime example of this, as in the aftermath of the Orgy of Corpses (which for reference needs a better name. This is exactly why Victini isn't allowed to name stuff!) the Tyrells of Highgarden had floundered like leaves in the wind. With Shaymin and Mira Forrester gone and the losses of manpower irreplaceable, the Tyrells were left to watch as parts of the former Gardener realm began to flake off from their control. Oldtown and the other parts of the Hightower domain were the first, for the city had fallen into anarchy in the aftermath of the Ironborn attack on the city. Only the Starry Sept was left to provide any order in the area and they were rather focused on the still-present Ironborn raiders.
The Ironborn (to the disappointment of everyone else) were not particularly disheartened by the vanishing act their 'god' had performed. Often they were too busy celebrating their great victory over the 'Greenlanders' to worry and much of the fleet had to be removed from active military service to take their newfound riches and thralls back to the islands. The full extent of the captured wealth is unknown, but considering Oldtown's power it was undoubtedly worth tens-of-thousands of Gold Dragons. This was wealth the islands had not seen in generations; though in hindsight its capture was not brilliant for them since none of the other kingdoms were willing to trade, making it effectively worthless for the Isles as a whole. They were also leaderless, since Kyogre had flown off to the northeast. Strangely, he had only taken one small orb with him and refused to divulge his intentions (or killed the people stupid enough to ask, since this is Kyogre we are talking about here).
The Tyrells also faced a problem on their eastern border, as Queen Shireen Baratheon had most certainly not been dissuaded from her plans of conquest by the aforementioned (terribly-named) battle. This might have been a result of Xerneas swearing allegiance to her out of embarrassment, though I personally suspect that she was secretly a massive sadist all along. Tommen and Myrcella certainly were.
Technically they were Lannisters, not Baratheons.
Not at that point, Koko. My point stands.
Whatever you say.
As I was saying, Queen Shireen – wait a sec, how did you even get in here? We banned your posse from entering Spear Pillar after that massive Gyarados/Wishiwashi War.
Um…uh…why are you on Mew's laptop?! I doubt he agreed to let you touch it!
I won't tell if you don't.
Agreed.
Good, now fuck off.
The near-entirety of the Stormlands had fallen to Shireen with astonishing speed, as her messengers sped throughout the kingdom calling on all 'true lords' to swear fealty to the 'Last True Baratheon'. Faced with no other options, most of the Lords agreed though they conspicuously failed to send any manpower to replace that which had been lost. Many Reach houses had also sworn to support her claim for the throne, though some such as Lord Duncan Footly had needed coercing. As it happens however, Shireen would not truly become a threat for the Tyrells themselves as she had no intention of marching on Highgarden, at least not yet. In the aftermath of the Orgy of Corpses, her plan had been to ensure the stability of her own realm and its borders. With that now done, she was able to march northwards to King's Landing in response to Robb Stark's request for a great council.
As the reader should expect, this did not go to plan. For anyone (excluding immortals).
As the previous writers appear to have already covered the Westerlands, I will skip over them. I will also skip over Dorne, because I wasn't there and still have no idea what happened. I know it involved Regirock and Reshiram and that thrice-accursed bird type…but I was asleep during the debriefing afterwards. In my defense, I'd been up all the previous night trying to get my hair out of plaits.
So I shall move onto the Vale, the part of Westeros that rivals the Orange Islands in boringness. Well, except during tsunami season or hurricane season or 'the Weather Trio is fighting again' season…The point still stands. Groudon's awakening had improved the area by a substantial amount, even if the side effects had involved the deaths of approximately a third of the Vale's population. Most of them were Mountain Clans though, so don't feel too upset (I certainly don't!). The southern and eastern territories of the Vale were the ones that had currently survived, spared from Groudon's obliviousness by the distraction of Spear Pillar 2.0. Dialga and Palkia were currently the only inhabitants, as Arceus and Mew had left for their own reasons and Jirachi was thrown out after urinating on the sacrificial altar. Again. The surviving Vale Lords seemed strangely content with this turn of events, though that might have been due to the realization that there was really nothing they could do to punish Groudon or any other Legendary Beast, excluding Mewtwo due to his hilariously bad peripheral vision.
I remember this occasion in Mossdeep city where- 'giggles' -oh, you should have seen his face after the- 'giggles' -it was brilliant!
Sadly, Groudon was not the only problem the remaining Vale Lords would face. As luck would have it, I was entering the Vale with the Court of Myrcella and Tommen in tow (to my undying annoyance) since the Riverlands had got a bit boring after two visits to the collapsed castle of Harrenhal. By some strange turn of fate, we managed to end up at the castle of Ironoaks, which was the seat of House Waynwood. I was rather surprised to learn that the current 'Lord' of the castle was in fact a lady, a revelation that was rather comforting after too much of Westeros' blatant misogyny. We never had this problem in our world! Lady Anya was also fairly normal, which was nice and she seemed to have some understanding of how unbelievably annoying this routine was for me.
As I seem to recall, you went with them of your own recall. You could have left at any time.
…what did I say about fucking off, Koko.
Fine, they might not have been that bad, for humans. Or at least they weren't until Anya's influence convinced Myrcella that she needed to claim the Iron Throne. I was in the midst of pointing out how terrible an idea that was when Tommen announced his agreement. Then Bella did the same. Then Arya. Then finally Hot Pie and Gendry. Mya Stone (who was also a bastard child of this Robert bloke, seriously – how many kids did he have?) who had fled to Ironoaks after the Fall of the Eyrie and Lady Anya herself were also in agreement on this plan. How much of that support was out of ambition rather than genuine support for Myrcella's candidacy is up for debate. The latter may also have been trying to show off to Lord Yohn Royce.
In fairness to the two 'trueborn' Baratheons, they were now biologically Robert's kids thanks to Jirachi. Due to that, they arguably were higher in the succession than Shireen, though she didn't agree. Most of the Vale would however and so flocked to the banner of Queen Myrcella, even though Tommen was technically still first in the succession. In fairness, he was still pretty young and extremely uninterested in the prospect of ruling. Rather, he was looking for the fabled 'Fire Kitty' I might have mentioned to him, in the middle of a rant about Entei's dickery. As for why this incident is named after him anyway…it sounded better as a title on Bulbapedia.
Still, even with large chunks of the continent still divided, it did not necessarily need to come to war. Both of the Queens had agreed with Robb's Stark's request for a Great Council. Both were willing to accept the outcome. Surely there was no need for violence?
Yeah, about that.
"I knew this was coming. I knew, from the moment Suicune presented herself to me, I knew this. I know what you desire. You cannot change the world's nature, do you realize that? Kings, Lords, the Iron Throne...they will still call for bloodshed no matter how many you slay! Westeros...is...eternal! You cannot change the hearts of an entire...nation. It is...impossible..."
- Last Words of Robb Stark, Lord of Winterfell
…I wonder where Mew keeps his alcohol cabinet…
Several Hours Later...
What was that noise? Gahh, my head still hurts!
Hey, big boy. Does doggy want a stick?
That's impossible…you can't be here. YOU CAN'T BE HERE! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE-
...
...
...
Palkia: Hey guys, I got the milk!...Where did everyone go?
The Hunt for Mew!
Temporal Tower, 2017AC
Narrator: After leaving Spear Pillar, our not-so-brave Heroes Articuno, Celebi, Jirachi, Dialga, Landorus and Krok-gar have journeyed to Dialga's summer home to seek out the kidnapper of Mew. Will they find the perpetrator? Or will they also be lured into a trap?
'Cut to the legendaries hiding badly behind a boulder.'
Celebi: Do you guys see anyone?
Articuno: 'Annoyed' Only someone's hand which is halfway down my ass! 'Looks at Landorus.'
Landorus: Don't look at me, I always ask for consent first.
Jirachi: 'Sniggers'
Landorus: Shut up.
Dialga: Can we please move? I think my back legs are in another dimension...
Articuno: We probably should. 'Loudly' CHARGE!
All the Legendaries: RAAAAGGGHHhh...
Grymloq: 'Stock T-Rex Sound Effect'
'No one is there.'
Jirachi: 'Embarrassed' I feel like an idiot.
Celebi: You are an idiot.
Jirachi: 'Angry' You're a bigger one!
Celebi: Why you little-
Landorus: Shut it you two! Krok-gar, you're an expert: where is the kidnapper hiding?
Krok-gar: Why am I even here?
Dialga: We needed the intimidation factor, so we arranged a trade with Lord Maz.
Krok-gar: Then who's doing my job?
Dialga: Kyogre, I think...
-Meanwhile in the Realm of Chaos-
Khorne, the Blood God: WHO THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU FUCKFACE! 'Summons Chainaxe'
Kyogre, the Ocean God: I AM THE FUCKING SEA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 'Summons Tidal Wave'
-Back to Temporal Tower-
Dialga: I'm sure she's fine.
Grymloq: Raaaggghhh.
Dialga: So anyway...?
Krok-gar: 'Sigh' If I have learnt anything, its that they'll be hiding behind that altar so they can jump onto it at the most surprising moment. That's the way it always happens.
Articuno: You're sure?
Krok-gar: I am.
Articuno: Excellent. Bombard that altar!
Dialga: Wait, don-
'They do. The altar is destroyed, revealing that...no one is hiding behind it. Huh.'
Articuno: Oh.
Dialga: You idiots, I-
Jirachi: Great Job Arty! Now what are we gonna tell the others?!
Dialga: -need thAt to-
Landorus: I vote that we blame Missingno.
Dialga: -nEEd to-
Krok-gar: Was no one here, after all?
Dialga: -NeeD tO-
Articuno: Apparently.
Dialga: -NeEd oT-
Grymloq: Raaaaggghhh?
Dialga: run.
Celebi: So what do we do-
Primal Dialga: RaAaAaAaaAAAaAGggGGGHHhhhHH!
Articuno: Oh shit!
Landorus: Ahhh!
Grymloq: Raagggh?!
Primal Dialga: FoOls! yOU wiLl AlL diE! 'Blasts Jirachi'
Jirachi: Ahhhh! 'Dies'
Celebi: Jirachi! No!
Articuno: Fuck!
Primal Dialga: i WiLl maKE yOUr GuTs iNto mY bReAd!
Landorus: Run away! Run Away!
'They run'
Celebi: 'Panicking' Is he chasing us?!
Articuno: I don't know!
Grymloq: Raaggh!
Jirachi: Keep running!
Landorus: I thought you were dead?!
Celebi: I went back in time to save him, at the price of Victini.
Landorus: Fair enough. Run!
Several miles, two dimensions and a fish bowl later...
Krok-gar: 'Panting' I want to go home.
Landorus: Can I come?
Krok-gar: No, never.
Landorus: Well screw yo-
Articuno: I'm afraid you'll have to stay for now, Monsieur Gar. We cannot send you back with Dialga in his current...state.
Krok-gar: But it was Palkia who brought me over.
Articuno: Yes, but...he will be...in mourning for his brother.
Celebi: That doesn't sound like Dialga.
Articuno: DO NOT QUESTION MY GENIUS! 'Punches Celebi'
Jirachi: I found another note!
Celebi: What does it say?
Jirachi: 'LOL, Dudes! I never thought that would actually work. I've totally made fools out of all of you Lololololololololololol-'
Landorus: Skip this bit.
Articuno: Don't interrupt!
Jirachi: '-Lololol! I'm the best! You're the worst! Hahahahahaha-' Etcetera, etcetera...
Celebi: I feel like an idiot.
Jirachi: You are an idi-
Articuno: Let's go and have a nap, we'll reconvene in the morning.
Jirachi: But-
Articuno: JIRACHI, go and rest. Now. You were literally dead earlier.
Here's something that I wrote ages ago and forgot to post here for whatever reason. I've updated it a bit, but basically the WI was that the Boltons had Hyenas to work against the Stark Direwolves...
Mew and Arceus gatecrash the Bolton Rebellion
"Well this is boring" muttered Mew as he flew unseen over the battle happening below. Wolves and Hyenas tore each other apart, as man and horse did the same at their sides.
"How so?" pondered Arceus, "There's enough blood and gore here to make another Lavender Town. Maybe even a Orre."
"True" muttered the Floating Cat Fetus, "But the actual fighting sucks! I mean, these...dogs are only using Bite and Scratch. Who uses just those two? Why would anyone-"
"What do you want them to do, throw fireballs at each other?" the Horse/Ship's Wheel Mutant replied, "They aren't Pokemon."
Mew glared. "I know they aren't Pokemon you cosmic turd, but I still..."
"I understand" Arceus said, "It is tiring to watch battles not in our weight bracket. I still keep hoping for one of the soldiers to whip out a gun."
Mew stared. "When have you handled a gun?"
The Llama fidgeted. "I might have...gone undercover once..."
"Which universe?" Mew demanded.
"...nazi zombies" Arceus whispered.
"What was that?" Mew's grin was massive.
"Nazi Zombies" Arceus grunted, "But you can't talk - I've seen you cosplaying in that Doomguy armour!"
"I have no idea what you mean." Mew smiled.
"You Jackass."
"I'm hurt!"
"No you're not." For a few seconds they stuck out their tongues, the two of them recalling days before the multiple apocalypses, timeline resets and multiverse invasions.
Suddenly, Mew's face lit up with a psychotic grin. "There's an idea. JIRACHI!"
"What are you-" Arceus tried to say, but was interrupted by the arrival of the Wish Fairy.
"What is it now, Mew" he replied, "I was busy turning someone into a human bowling ball." Mew's grin could have curdled Muk.
"I wish that-"
"I can't grant wishes more than once every thousand-" Arceus and Mew snorted.
"Please" said Arceus, "We both know that's only something you said so no one would bother you."
"...Dickheads" muttered Jirachi.
"That's the spirit!" said Mew, "Anyway Jirachi, I need you to turn all of these beasts into Pokemon." The fairy blinked.
"Couldn't you have done that yourself?" he asked.
"Probably" Mew replied, "But I'm too lazy."
"Arceus?"
"ARCEUS!"
"What?" muttered the God, "I was reading the Beano, have I missed anything?"
Mew laughed. "I can't believe you still read that thing, it's meant for ten years olds!"
"I am ten" Arceus replied, "Ten-thousand, that is." Once again, the two gods stuck out their tongues.
Jirachi on the other hand sighed, rubbed his forehead and turned to the battle. "Abracadabra" he deadpanned, before waving his arms and vanishing.
On the battlefield below, where once there had been Wolves and Hyenas now stood row upon row of pink goo creatures, with black fins and glowing lamps for their heads.
"Well that can't be good" muttered Mew.
And that is how the Chandittokips were born! Mwahahahahaha-
There were no Survivors. Or at least there weren't, until Dialga travelled back in time and shoved Bran Stark in front of an angry Ice Dragon.