p class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst"After a week of being back in the padded room, I become increasingly anxious, manic, and depressed. John gets permissions for me to make it out of the room to see my therapist. He decides to take me into the District's kitchen. As soon as I walk in, I feel nostalgic and the sight of flour and baking materials. He asks me if I would be up for baking something. I'm surprised when I feel excited over the idea of baking bread I decide to give it a try. I proceed to make loaves after loaves of bread. I end up baking for hours and my therapist stays with me, making casual conversation./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What kind of bread can you make?" He asks./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Everything and I guess I can follow a recipe if I don't know it."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What about pastries?"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I smile. "Yeah – I can do that too. I was in charge of decorating in my family's bakery." I laugh. "My friends used to tease me about it because decorating cakes, cupcakes, and cookies consists of a lot of flowers and silly things, but up until the Games, baked goods were my only canvas."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" The doctor smiles sweetly at me. "What was your favorite thing to make?" /p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I don't even have to think about it. I respond happily."Cheese buns, I made them every day because Katniss loved them." I respond as if it weren't even me, it's as if this thought was laying dormant but woke up and made its presence known. I stop what I'm doing and I look up at him, my therapist stares intently at me./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Are you okay?" he asks./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod no. "I think I'd like to stop now." I tell him./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" He nods. "Okay. We can come back tomorrow, and any other day you'd like. We don't have to talk, you can talk and I can listen, or you can even come back by yourself. Maybe you can keep a journal and write about your thoughts and feelings after you bake. I think this is good for you./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I focus on him again. "I did enjoy it. I felt close to my dad here."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" He smiles. "That's good."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" That night I lay down in my bed of the padded room and I think back to baking. I really did enjoy it. I feel sad to think that I hadn't thought about baking in years. I begin to cry because I miss my brothers, father, and even my mother. I console myself and I manage to fall asleep. I'm woken up by a memory, me throwing two loaves of bread to a starving 11 year old Katniss, who sat cold and withering in the rain underneath a tree. I instantly sit up, the sadness in her eyes haunts me, I feel something move inside of me. I remember how she transformed slowly after that day, and how for five years after that, we were always looking for each other's eyes from a distance. My heart hurts at the thought. I take a deep breath and try to relax. I try to go to sleep again but this time I get a flashback. I decide to not resist it. I'm alone here and I'm sure someone is watching me, I can't hurt anyone and the doctors have figured out a way to keep me from hurting myself. Once again I can hear a train, I'm on the train. I can hear Katniss screaming from another room, and I feel stressed. I don't run to her even though I wanted to , badly. I even hear her call out to me. I take a deep breath and I remember the night terrors, we both had them. Then I see her walk into the train compartment that I'm in, she's wearing a large robe. I remember that I call to her and she runs to my arms. I also remember how she felt in my arms and how it made me feel. A piercing desire began to burn through me and I also believe her. I finally snap out of it./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Every night for the rest of my time in that room, I get flashbacks of me and Katniss, in the train, and one where we were in her mother's house. We were face to face, about to kiss, and the pull towards her was overwhelming. I begin to question if these are hallucinations if they're real. Whatever stress or anguish I experience, it's relieved as soon as I walk into the kitchen. I prefer to be in there alone without the therapist because I'm afraid I'll admit something like what I said the first day here, about Katniss. As I'm preparing the batter for a cake I hear the door open and I look up. I'm happy to see Annie walk in. She offers me a sweet smile, she runs towards me, and embraces me./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" As soon as she pulls away she asks me. "Is it true that you can't come to my wedding?"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" It pains me to confirm it because I can see the disappointment in her face. "I'm sorry Annie, I can't. I fucked up and hit Gale, and they're afraid I can hurt others. It's not really a punishment, more like a precaution."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares into the distance thinking hard about what I told her./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Hey Annie" She looks at me again. "Maybe it's best, I am fragile, I'd hate to have an attack in the middle of your special day. I'd never forgive myself if I ruined it. Finnick would kill me."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She smiles, and peaks up at me. The expression in her face changes from that childlike manner to a menacing one. "I hear he already wants to kill you." Her voice transforms as well. She's taking on that persona that would seldom make her presence known in the Capitol. She always made me nervous. She begins to laugh eerily and she walks over to the bowl where I'm preparing cake batter. "Word has it that you fucked Johanna – and Finnick is pissed. The nerve…"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I take a deep breath and begin to wonder if it's a good idea for her to be around knifes. "Finnick doesn't want to kill me Annie."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She glares at me. "Oh no, he's not happy about you fucking his little slut, I promise you he wants to kill you."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I exhales nervously. "Annie, calm down. That's not what's happening."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks at me and she's furious. "Do me a favor Peeta, don't talk to me like that, I'm well aware of what's going on around me. I know he's hiding around in corners crying for her, just like I know Johanna has kept her word and she hasn't slept with him. Just like she promised."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "That promise to you means everything to her." I reassure her./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "it better, if she knows what's good for her."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She then dips her finger in the batter and brings it to her mouth to taste it. A sweet smile spreads across her face. "Peeta, it's delicious." That sweet childlike voice is back./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I feel the muscles on my back relax and I can breathe easier now. I force a smile. "You like it?"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I love it."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Maybe I can make your wedding cake, that way a part of me will be there."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Her eyes grow wide with excitement and she runs to my arms. "Please do Peeta! Oh, it would mean the world to me. I'm going to go tell Finnick!" In a second she's gone. I realize that she left me with my mouth hanging open. I coil over and hold on to my knees because I realize that they were shaking. I inhale deeply and exhale sharply./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "shit… I don't think I'm the one they should be worrying about." I say to myself aloud./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What kind of bread can you make?" He asks./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Everything and I guess I can follow a recipe if I don't know it."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "What about pastries?"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I smile. "Yeah – I can do that too. I was in charge of decorating in my family's bakery." I laugh. "My friends used to tease me about it because decorating cakes, cupcakes, and cookies consists of a lot of flowers and silly things, but up until the Games, baked goods were my only canvas."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" The doctor smiles sweetly at me. "What was your favorite thing to make?" /p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I don't even have to think about it. I respond happily."Cheese buns, I made them every day because Katniss loved them." I respond as if it weren't even me, it's as if this thought was laying dormant but woke up and made its presence known. I stop what I'm doing and I look up at him, my therapist stares intently at me./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Are you okay?" he asks./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I nod no. "I think I'd like to stop now." I tell him./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" He nods. "Okay. We can come back tomorrow, and any other day you'd like. We don't have to talk, you can talk and I can listen, or you can even come back by yourself. Maybe you can keep a journal and write about your thoughts and feelings after you bake. I think this is good for you./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I focus on him again. "I did enjoy it. I felt close to my dad here."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" He smiles. "That's good."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" That night I lay down in my bed of the padded room and I think back to baking. I really did enjoy it. I feel sad to think that I hadn't thought about baking in years. I begin to cry because I miss my brothers, father, and even my mother. I console myself and I manage to fall asleep. I'm woken up by a memory, me throwing two loaves of bread to a starving 11 year old Katniss, who sat cold and withering in the rain underneath a tree. I instantly sit up, the sadness in her eyes haunts me, I feel something move inside of me. I remember how she transformed slowly after that day, and how for five years after that, we were always looking for each other's eyes from a distance. My heart hurts at the thought. I take a deep breath and try to relax. I try to go to sleep again but this time I get a flashback. I decide to not resist it. I'm alone here and I'm sure someone is watching me, I can't hurt anyone and the doctors have figured out a way to keep me from hurting myself. Once again I can hear a train, I'm on the train. I can hear Katniss screaming from another room, and I feel stressed. I don't run to her even though I wanted to , badly. I even hear her call out to me. I take a deep breath and I remember the night terrors, we both had them. Then I see her walk into the train compartment that I'm in, she's wearing a large robe. I remember that I call to her and she runs to my arms. I also remember how she felt in my arms and how it made me feel. A piercing desire began to burn through me and I also believe her. I finally snap out of it./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Every night for the rest of my time in that room, I get flashbacks of me and Katniss, in the train, and one where we were in her mother's house. We were face to face, about to kiss, and the pull towards her was overwhelming. I begin to question if these are hallucinations if they're real. Whatever stress or anguish I experience, it's relieved as soon as I walk into the kitchen. I prefer to be in there alone without the therapist because I'm afraid I'll admit something like what I said the first day here, about Katniss. As I'm preparing the batter for a cake I hear the door open and I look up. I'm happy to see Annie walk in. She offers me a sweet smile, she runs towards me, and embraces me./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" As soon as she pulls away she asks me. "Is it true that you can't come to my wedding?"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" It pains me to confirm it because I can see the disappointment in her face. "I'm sorry Annie, I can't. I fucked up and hit Gale, and they're afraid I can hurt others. It's not really a punishment, more like a precaution."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She stares into the distance thinking hard about what I told her./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Hey Annie" She looks at me again. "Maybe it's best, I am fragile, I'd hate to have an attack in the middle of your special day. I'd never forgive myself if I ruined it. Finnick would kill me."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She smiles, and peaks up at me. The expression in her face changes from that childlike manner to a menacing one. "I hear he already wants to kill you." Her voice transforms as well. She's taking on that persona that would seldom make her presence known in the Capitol. She always made me nervous. She begins to laugh eerily and she walks over to the bowl where I'm preparing cake batter. "Word has it that you fucked Johanna – and Finnick is pissed. The nerve…"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I take a deep breath and begin to wonder if it's a good idea for her to be around knifes. "Finnick doesn't want to kill me Annie."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She glares at me. "Oh no, he's not happy about you fucking his little slut, I promise you he wants to kill you."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I exhales nervously. "Annie, calm down. That's not what's happening."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She looks at me and she's furious. "Do me a favor Peeta, don't talk to me like that, I'm well aware of what's going on around me. I know he's hiding around in corners crying for her, just like I know Johanna has kept her word and she hasn't slept with him. Just like she promised."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "That promise to you means everything to her." I reassure her./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "it better, if she knows what's good for her."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" She then dips her finger in the batter and brings it to her mouth to taste it. A sweet smile spreads across her face. "Peeta, it's delicious." That sweet childlike voice is back./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" I feel the muscles on my back relax and I can breathe easier now. I force a smile. "You like it?"/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "I love it."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "Maybe I can make your wedding cake, that way a part of me will be there."/p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" Her eyes grow wide with excitement and she runs to my arms. "Please do Peeta! Oh, it would mean the world to me. I'm going to go tell Finnick!" In a second she's gone. I realize that she left me with my mouth hanging open. I coil over and hold on to my knees because I realize that they were shaking. I inhale deeply and exhale sharply./p
p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" "shit… I don't think I'm the one they should be worrying about." I say to myself aloud./p