Chapter Twenty Six
Everything was a bit of a blur for Amy as she danced the night away in a cloud of alcohol. She managed to extricate herself from Eomer long enough to get a well needed glass of water. The fog of alcohol had left her feeling relaxed if a little sick. She felt a hand on her shoulder and hoped that it was not Eomer come to drag her back to the floor again.
Aragorn's face greeted her instead. He pointed at her chest where the wound lie posing a question with his eyes.
She shrugged in answer not knowing what to say. Even if he could understand her signs she would not know how to express how she felt. She could feel her drunkenness ebbing away under his sad gaze. She could see pity in his eyes and she did not think she could bear it for much longer.
Aragorn saw her discomfort; he also saw the bleariness in her eyes from the ale she had consumed. He had not failed to notice how she had sought refuge in drink that night, nor did he judge her decision. He himself had had quite a few to numb the raw edges of his nerves. He posed another question by spelling out a name. The alphabet he did remember.
"L.e.g.o.l.a.s?" He had not seen his friend for a few hours now and although it was not unlike the elf to disappear for time alone, it was unlike him to leave Amy's side especially when he had been so eager to return to her from Isengard.
She had not seen him since the drinking game with Gimli. The more she thought about it though, it dawned on her that not only has she not seen him but that she had not bothered to look for him. She had been rude to him, ignored him, then forgotten about him.
She ran a hand through her hair and pushed it from her face. She did not need to answer Aragorn he could see what she was thinking. He patted her shoulder gently and left her to her thoughts. Thoughts that were breaking through despite her best efforts of the night to keep them at bay.
….
The celebration was still in full flow but Amy left as unnoticed as she could and stepped out into the cold night air. She had brought a glass of water out with her and drank it hurriedly. She suddenly felt as if her chest was compacting.
The wound was burning and her breath came quickly and it occurred to her that she was having what could only be described as a panic attack. She had only had a panic attack once in her life, when she was twelve and some little brat at a birthday party locked her in the toilets on a really hot day and she was there for six hours.
She tried to catch her breath but it seemed to be more and more out of her control and in her mind as much as it annoyed her she could think of only one place she wanted to be.
….
Amy hammered on the door praying that he would be there and open it. She had run to his room so her breath was coming even quicker now. She wished keenly in that moment that she could hear, so she could know whether or not he was in there.
When the door opened the relief that washed through was like a wave.
Legolas had not been asleep but he had been lost in thought, so much so that he did not even hear the first knock on his door. When he had realised someone had wanted him he had every intention of ignoring it until he heard the breathy rasps from beyond it that alerted him to the distress of the person.
When he saw her standing there, hands braced on the doorframe and face flushed he did not know what to make of it. He was even more dumbfounded when she stepped into the room and wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into his chest.
He had never been so confused in his life, he had heard the old stereotype about the changing moods of women, and he had always chosen not to subscribe to that but her behaviour tonight was baffling him.
She was ice cold and from the convulsions of her chest he could tell she was struggling for breath. He had removed his tunic and undershirt earlier so could even feel the sting of her tears on his chest. He put aside all his confusion, hurt and anger from earlier and wrapped his arms around her. He kicked the door closed with his foot then ran a soothing hand up and down her back. He whispered elven words of comfort into her ear knowing that she would feel them if not hear them.
Eventually her breath evened out and he felt her relaxing in his arms. He then began to worry that something had happened to her to cause such an outburst. He had left her drunk in a room full of drunken men. His heart clenched in fear. Reluctantly he broke the embrace and pushed her back to arm's length so he could look at her properly. She looked tired and a little tipsy but she did not look hurt.
He drew his arms back so he could sign. "Amy, what is it, what is wrong, did someone hurt you?"
She stared back at him as she wiped her face. Every confusing thought she had disappeared and only one was left loud and clear in her head as she looked at him.
Legolas persisted. "Are you hurt, did something happen? Was it Eomer?"
"No, no. I am fine, it is nothing." She forced herself to take a step back lest her body act upon what her mind was currently imagining.
"It is nothing; you come running to my door in the middle of the night, in tears, for nothing?" He felt the anger rise again as the image of Eomer's hand on her hips flashed in his mind. "Shouldn't you be getting back to the party, I would not want you to miss out on the fun!" If he had been speaking, he would have spat the last few words at her. He immediately regretted it though, he was supposed to be earning her forgiveness not giving her more cause to push him away.
She felt her own spite rise inside of her. "Perhaps I should, at least I am wanted there. I did not mean to be such a burden."
Legolas had the decency to look ashamed as once again his words were used against him. "I am sorry, please Amy, I know we need to talk but not like this, you are drunk and I…" He stopped and she took her opportunity.
"So what if I am drunk? I do not need to be sober to know that you are a jerk!" Maybe she was more drunk than she perhaps thought as she struggled to put a dampener on the frustration and hurt that had welled up inside since before the battle of Helm's Deep.
Legolas did not know what a jerk was, but from the shape her hand made he figured it was not a good thing.
"I have lost your trust, I know this, but please, please believe me that everything I said was wrong and untrue."
She did not have a smart response this time as he ardent gaze continued to plead with her. She did not have any carefully planned words for this moment and knew any more rash ones would just make the situation work. She retreated into her silence and began to back away from him to the door.
"Amy, please." She could see the uncertainty clearly on his face, his vulnerability was shining through and she could see as clear as day his desperation to make things right.
With the alcohol still strong in her blood, her panic attack leaving her nerves frayed, and the sight of him shirtless and emotional before her it was too much.
She went to leave, a cowardly action but one she felt was her only option. However, Legolas had other ideas and so when one step away from the door she felt his hand on her arm. She felt it there again, that feeling, like a passing of energy from him to her. She had felt it before on the plains of Rohan when she thought her legs would fail her and he took her hand. She stopped and turned back to him, when she felt his hand shaking. He looked angry. She placed her hand over his instinctively but was surprised when he pulled back.
"So you just leave?" He signed abruptly. "You just run away? Do you have nothing to say to me? You come here for my comfort and then leave when you have had your fill?!"
He was standing so close to her that his hands were almost a blur and her eyes struggled to focus on them.
He took her further silence badly and suddenly felt compelled like he had never done so before to ask the question that had run through his head since the moment he met her.
He took a step back and signed, "Why won't you talk?"
Her own anger already pique now burst forth again. "What do you want me to say!? I know you want my forgiveness. Fine I forgive you! Is that enough?! Can I go now?!"
"That is not what I meant and you know it. I know you can talk, why won't you speak?"
She was taken aback and her body visibly reacted to it as she took a step backwards, her back crashing into the door. "I don't know what you mean." Her hands were now the ones shaking.
"Yes you do, speak to me." He knew why he was pushing for this, he wanted to be the one that she spoke to, the one that she trusted above all. He risked the breaking of their currently frayed friendship but his wood elf stubbornness coursed through his veins.
He had cornered her in the one conversation above all that she would have done everything to avoid. Other than running out of the room there was not much she could do other than deflect the conversation. "Is it not time for you to mind your own business?!"
"You are not going to push me away, not this time."
"No because that would not be possible! Why must you know everything? Is it so you can throw it back in my face?!"
Legolas blanched guiltily. "Of course not. I care about you!"
"You care about me? If you truly cared you would leave me be."
"Is that what you want? You want me to leave you alone?" His signs now were slower as fire turned to ice.
That is not what she wanted. She knew that. Her breath was coming faster again and she raised her hands to her face pressing her fingers to her temples. The loneliness that she had carried around with her now hit her like a ton of bricks. She had lost everyone, not only through tragedy but also because of her own doing.
He could see her distress and knew that this time he was the sole cause of it. His rancour disappeared instantly. Hands that had dealt many harsh words now gently covered her own, fingers interlacing.
She brought her head up to meet his eyes. "I don't want to be alone." It was a whisper but he saw the words on her lips, the sound coming from her mouth.
He let her hands go, his thumb trailing down her face and grazing across her bottom lip. It took all of his control not to lean forward and replace his hand with his own mouth. He took an unsteady breath and small step backwards. "You are not alone, not anymore."
She could not help the tears that spilled down her cheeks. "What about you?"
"What do you mean?"
"What about you, what do you want?"
"Why do you ask that?"
"Because there is something in your eyes, something you are keeping from me, something that you will not say! What do you want?"
He did not want to answer that question with words or signs. He knew what he wanted, he wanted her. Gandalf's question had played over and over in his mind. Legolas knew now, his heart was indeed a selfish heart, and he would do what he could to meet his heart's desire.
He brought his hands up. "I want to kiss you."