Thanks for the continuing words of encouragement in your reviews and PMs! They've inspired me to use the time we gained with the clocks going back an hour to finish up the next chapter. And thanks to those who've mentioned they've been re-reading, and enjoying, the story from the beginning. I'm glad that Walt and Vic's relationship progress continues to work for you as an overall story, in addition to individual chapter updates.
With his left arm resting on the inside of the driver-side door, Walt was grasping the steering wheel with his right. He looked over at Vic, who stared straight ahead. She had been uncharacteristically quiet during the drive.
"Vic," Walt said, glancing out the front window and then back at her.
No response on Vic's part.
Walt switched his hands on the wheel and then reached out and placed his hand on hers.
"Vic," he tried again.
She started at the contact. When she looked over at Walt he noticed that it took a moment for her eyes to focus in on him.
"You ok?" he asked. "You…you seem a little lost in thought."
She looked at him for a moment before answering. "Just tired," she finally said, squeezing his hand and then leaning her head back against the seat and closing her eyes. She removed her hand from his and brought it to her forehead, rubbing the bridge of her nose and then her closed eyelids.
"Is that all?" Walt asked, wondering if there was a distance between them that was greater than the couple of feet between their seats.
She lowered her hand. Breathed in deeply and then exhaled.
"Yeah. Just tired," she said giving him a half smile.
He pulled the Bronco in front of the cabin and parked, cut the ignition and then turned towards Vic, but she was already opening the door to get out. Walt stepped out of his side of the truck and made his way to the front steps, with Vic close behind.
As he reached the top of the stairs he sensed that Vic had not followed, and turned to find her at the bottom of the steps looking down at her feet. When she looked up at him he saw her unfocused eyes struggling to find his.
"I think I'm going to go home. I know it's kind of early, but I think I just need to go to bed."
"We can go to bed here. Just sleep."
"I haven't been home all week. I think I should stay at my place tonight," she said.
"We can sleep at your place," Walt tried again.
"Walt's it only 8:30. You don't need to go to bed now," she said.
Walt took a step down towards her but then stopped.
"Ok," he said quietly.
She didn't make a move to leave.
"Are you sure you're ok?" Walt asked.
"Yeah. I think I just need a good night sleep. I'll call you tomorrow," she said, giving him a smile. She stepped up, closing the distance between them. She tugged on his collar, bringing his face down to hers, and gave him a brief but firm kiss. Her hand lingered at the side of his face for a moment, and then she retreated down the stairs.
Maybe she was just tired. Maybe he was reading too much into her silence.
"Ok," he said.
Her eyes connected with his one last time and then she turned and walked to her vehicle.
Walt stood on the porch, following her truck as it pulled away. Grew smaller. Dropped from view. He ran his hand along the back of his neck before finally turning and heading in. He hung up his coat and hat and then turned on the light in the front room, looking around the cabin. The stillness surprised him. His footsteps sounded loud as he walked to the kitchen.
When he reached the fridge, he opened the door and pulled out a beer. Returning to the front room he dropped down on the couch and placed his booted feet on the coffee table. He cracked open the can and leaned back. Taking a long sip, he once again looked around, his eyes landing on the pile of books Ferg had loaned him. He leaned forward and grabbed one from the stack. With another sip of beer, he opened the book and began to read. Reading had always served as a distraction for him. A way to pull him out of his thoughts. A comfort he had gravitated to his whole life. Tonight he could not find the comfort or distraction he sought, and after a chapter he put it down.
He looked up at the TV. The phone on his desk. His front door.
He flipped on the TV, landing on one of the shows Vic watched. That he'd been watching with her recently. After a climactic scene ended and broke to a commercial, Walt turned to her side of the couch to seek her thoughts on what was going to happen next. Thoughts she readily and frequently offered. Seeing Vic's usual spot empty, he remembered he was watching the show alone.
He turned back towards the TV but decided to turn it off. It felt like he was cheating, watching one of her shows without her. After taking another sip, he stood up and walked over to the corner of the room. He picked up the phone and began to dial, but then turned it off. He breathed in, let the air go and then started dialing again.
"It's a beautiful day at the Red Pony and continual soiree…"
"Is it busy tonight?" Walt cut in.
A pause. "Walt?" Henry asked.
"Yep. Just calling to see if it's crowded."
"It is busy but there is still plenty of elbow room. Your seat is currently vacant. Will you be gracing us with your presence?"
A pause. "I might."
Another pause. Walt could hear people in the background and someone call out Henry's name. "Walt, are you ok?" his friend asked.
"I'm fine. I…I need to…uh…finish up something, and if it's not too late I'll head over to the bar."
"I will keep your seat open and look forward to your arrival," Henry said.
Walt hung up the phone, placed both hands on the desk and leaned his weight against the desktop for a moment. With a shake of his head he stood up straight and walked to the front door. Acting out of habit, he pulled his coat off its hook and shrugged it on and then placed his hat on his head. With his hand on the light switch he was startled by the ringing of his phone.
Walt looked over to his desk, the sides of his mouth starting to lift into a smile. He walked over and picked up the handset. He returned to the front door, staring out through the glass for a moment before turning on the phone and raising it to his ear.
"Hello," he said, his voice laced with anticipation. A smile still present.
"Dad?"
A pause.
"Punk? Hi," Walt said, shifting his weight from his right to his left foot. Placing his hand on his hip.
"Were you expecting someone?"
"Expecting someone? Uh…no," Walt said, pausing for a moment. "What's up?"
"I'm just calling to confirm that we're on for breakfast this Saturday. I'm out with friends and we are finalizing some plans for this weekend, and I wanted to make sure we are still on for meeting up at 9."
Walt hesitated a moment before answering. "Yep. Still on for Saturday at the Busy Bee," he confirmed. He could hear the buzz of people and chatter on Cady's side of the line.
"Dad are you ok? You seem…quieter than normal."
Walt closed his eyes and dropped his head. "I'm fine. Just a long day. Go back to your friends. I'll see you on Saturday."
"Ok. Goodnight Dad."
"'Night, Punk."
He hung up. Stood still. Considered his options.
After a moment, he opened the door, feeling a little refreshed as the cool air hit him. He nudged open the screen door with his free hand and stepped outside. Breathed in the crisp autumn air. Walking to the edge of the steps, he looked over at his truck. He leaned against the vertical post, deciding that although he would like the distraction, he didn't really want to go to the Pony. Once again he was startled by his phone, ringing in his hands. Expecting it to be Henry, he answered.
"You awake?" the caller asked.
A smile of recognition. "Nope," he responded, and then gave out a quiet chuckle.
"I meant, did I wake you."
"Nope. Still up," he said, leaning back further against the post.
"I told you 8:30 was too early for you to go to bed."
He smiled. "You're still up," he said, half observation, half question.
"I've been in bed for more than an hour but can't fall asleep," Vic admitted. "I think I passed that point of exhaustion where you're back to being awake. You ever experience that?" she asked.
"Yep," he said, nodding into the dark.
"Now I'm just left with my thoughts. And an empty bed with no one to share them with."
He looked through the front door to the couch. To the place he had turned towards. Where he had expected her to be when he had been watching TV. He knew what she meant.
"Want me to come over?" he asked.
He wanted to come but didn't know if she would ask.
She paused. "Let's try just talking. Maybe I'll fall asleep and you won't have to drive over."
He wanted to drive over.
"Thanks for implying that my talking will put you to sleep."
Vic laughed. Low. Conveying genuine mirth. "That's not what I meant."
"I know. But I had to jump on that set-up," he replied.
"Taking advantage of me in my tired state."
"Yep."
Walt closed his eyes. Pictured her smiling into the phone. Envisioned her tangled up in the sheets. Positioned on her side of the bed but facing his usual side as she talked to him.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked, opening his eyes.
"What?"
"You said you were awake and left with your thoughts. What thoughts are going through your head?"
He pictured her in a tank top. Her hair slightly mussed. Her eyes big, seeking out his as she laid on her side.
"A mixture of things. Some good. Really good…" she trailed off. "You might have made an appearance in those once or twice."
"Yeah?" he said.
"Well…maybe more than once or twice," she clarified.
He closed his eyes and lowered his head. He saw her hand reaching out. Pictured her fingers against his arm. Warm against his skin. He shook his head to focus back on the call.
"And the not so good?" he asked, bringing them both back to the conversation.
"I've…I've had a few thoughts circulating that…that are..."
He waited for her to go on.
"I've talked to you about being grateful that we got our window to become something more. In addition to feeling lucky that we got our…chance…and that we took it, I feel lucky for what we have. What most people don't even come close to experiencing. You were my partner first. At work. We don't always agree. Have different approaches. Different perspectives. But we make a great team. We have trust. A way of communicating and understanding each other. I am confident you will always have my back."
She paused for a moment. He let her continue.
"And then, almost without realizing it, you became my best friend. The way you listened. The way you challenged me to think about things in a different way. Someone I could count on. Lean on. Share my thoughts with. My day with. A closeness I hadn't had with…anyone…before."
He waited for her to keep going.
"And throughout the developing partnership and friendship was my growing attraction to you. An attraction that, eventually, I couldn't deny. And I love you, and am in love with you, and feel your love in return. I have had friends. Colleagues. Family members. Who seem to have settled. With someone they loved, who didn't love them to the same degree. Or vice versa. And they settled for them because they thought it was their best option. Or their only option. With someone who they were hot for, but whom they weren't friends with first, let alone partners. With someone they were friends with but not really attracted to. Hoping that the love would come in time."
She paused.
"I feel lucky that I have…the whole package…with you."
"I feel lucky as well. For the whole package. With you," he said quietly.
"Tonight. In the dark, with time to spend with my thoughts, I've been thinking about how I screw things up. That I haven't been able to get my relationships to last. And I worry, that although I have something…more…with you…that I am going to screw things up with you too. And because I have so much more with you, screwing things up would have greater…ramifications. Which scares the shit out of me. I don't think I could handle it. Losing you and what we have."
She paused.
"In my more rational moments I am able to tell myself that because we have something different, things will be different. Because how I feel is different…that I feel more for you than I have ever felt for someone before…I will be able to make this work. That things didn't work with anyone else because they weren't the right one. But then the uncertainty seeps back in. My relationship track record trickles into my thoughts. I realize I am the same person, with a tendency to repeat the same mistakes. Why will this time be any different?"
Time lapsed for a moment.
"This time will be different. Because what we have IS different from what you have had before," Walt started.
He paused.
"You're going to fight harder to save what we have. You're going to give more of yourself."
Another pause as he gathered his thoughts.
"You say you're going to repeat the same mistakes, but I've seen you change in the time I've known you. As your partner. As your best friend. As your…something more. I've seen you learn from your mistakes. I've seen you have patience with me that you don't extend to others. I've seen you open up to me, and share things you formerly would have held in. I've seen you challenge me in a way I haven't been challenged before. To be different myself. I think that we are both changing…growing…together."
He let a moment pass.
"And you keep saying you are going to screw things up. I've felt that before, too. Not that you were going to screw things up, but that I was. That I'd shut you out, especially at times when I needed you most. Like I've done with Cady and others in the past. But I think we are in this together. Because it means more. Because we've changed. And are continuing to change."
He formulated his next thoughts before speaking.
"We're each going to screw up from time to time, but we're not going to let the other one screw this up. You probably didn't have that before. A partner…a best friend…a something more…who was invested just as much as you were. So that if one slips, which is inevitable, the other will be there to prop them back up."
Silence rolled over them as they both processed what Walt had just said.
"Thanks," Vic finally said.
"Thanks?" Walt asked.
"You always help me to see things more clearly. I agree. What we have is different. And what we'll be for each other, in this relationship, will be different. And will result in a different outcome."
A moment went by.
"I…I think that I've been opening up these past months," he said. "With you. And with others. I think that when you ask me for my thoughts. When you ask about my past. When you ask for my reaction. I open up. I share what I'm thinking. What's going through my mind. But even though I've made progress, I recognize that I have a great deal further to go. For you, I want to go further. Continue to make progress."
He paused before continuing.
"I want to get better at volunteering information…not just sharing because I've been asked…not just being freer saying how I feel when I've had something to drink. I don't do a good job expressing some of the things I want. Or asking all the questions I have on my mind. I still hold back. Get wrapped up in my own head."
A pause.
"I have these questions, about us, that I hold back. About our future. That I don't ask you directly. Afraid of showing my cards too early. Scaring you off. I know that we've only been…something more…for a few months. That you and Sean split up shortly before that. So I don't want to push you before you're ready."
He heard Vic's quiet breathing on the other end of the line. He imagined her looking directly at him. Looking into him. As he revealed more about himself.
"I've sensed that you still hold back from time to time," she finally said. "Partly because of what comes naturally, or not so naturally, to you. And partly because your keen investigative skills are always there in the background. When you investigate, you tend to ask a mixture of direct and indirect questions to get the other person to reveal their truth. You take information in, analyzing it in your head before you're ready to share your conclusions. I haven't wanted to push you before you were ready to share. Force your hand, and cause you to retreat."
She paused.
"But you've got to know…you're not going to scare me off, Walt. I don't know what I am, or am not, ready for, but I am sure about you. Despite it having only been a few months, you are the one thing I don't question. Don't doubt. And you asking me directly about our future is not going to push me away. It may cause me to address something before I've formally got ahold of my own thoughts on the topic…but I think that is a good thing. To be thinking more concretely about the two of us. To talk more about our future, even if it just brings up more questions. Even if the answer is 'I don't know.' Because what I do know is that I want a future with you, and I want to be part of yours. What that future looks like, we'll figure out along the way."
Her soft breathing felt comforting in his ear.
"I've noticed you've been letting me more and more into your life," she continued. "And sharing what's important to you…who's important to you…with me as you do. I want you to continue to let me in. Ask me the questions you tend to keep to yourself. Express more of what you want."
She let her words sink in.
"In fact…tell me one thing you want, right now."
"I want to come over," he said without hesitation. "To just sleep. Or talk further. Or do whatever you want to do. I just want to do it together. This cabin feels very empty right now. And I feel kind of restless…and a little off. I think I've gotten used to you being part of my every day."
Vic laughed. "I feel the same way. I thought that to truly get some sleep I needed to be on my own. But it's quite the opposite."
"Ok. Then that's settled. I'm coming over. But I'm warning you. I'm just looking to sleep. You admitted to having some…thoughts about me earlier this evening. And you expressed your deep attraction for me. Get those ideas out of your head, because when my head hits the pillow…it's going to be lights out for me," he said, laughter in his voice.
She laughed in return. "Well I'll just have to make sure your head doesn't hit the pillow. As I said, I'm suddenly quite awake, and it may be some time before I'm ready to sleep."
"I'm on my way."