Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters belong to Joss Whedon. I also don't own 'What If' by Safetysuit.
Title: What If
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Characters: Faith, Buffy
Emotion: Crazy
Rating: R
Spoilers: Takes place during season 3's 'Graduation Day'.
Summary: Faith's thoughts as she wails on the punching bag. Makes slight references to other fics I've written for this challenge.

What if it makes you sad at me?Faith shrugged off her dark denim jacket and tossed it on the chair. A few months ago it'd be lying on the floor, but the Mayor had taught her to take pride in her belongings. To take pride in herself. She looked over at the bow and arrow that rested against the wall, next to her weapons chest. She still had a few arrows with tips dipped in poison. She read up on the side-effects. According to what she read, the descent to death was wicked painful for the vamp. Muscle cramps and spasms, hallucinations, fever, and then death. She remembered what Buffy had told her once.

"You should only have to lose someone you love once."Well, bullshit. Faith had to lose her every fucking night. Over and over again she had to lose her to that undead piece of shit. Well, now she'd lose Soul-Boy one more time, and Faith along with him. The self-righteous bitch would finally be free of both of them. Faith would finally be free of her, one way or another.

She walked over to her dresser and took out a roll of ace bandages and began wrapping her hands. She tried not to notice the broken skin around her knuckles from the previous nights. The skin was red and angry, and every time it started to heal, Faith would pound the hell out of the punching bag and tear them open again. She wondered why she did this, sometimes. Was it some sort of penance for what she was putting Buffy through? Was it because the sense of pain sometimes seemed to bring her back down to earth? Then again, all it took was just a peek at the blonde, and she was on cloud fucking nine again.

And what if it makes you laugh now, but you cry as you fall asleep?She tightened the ace bandage on her one hand and secured it before beginning on the other. Once that task was finished, she pulled her hair back and away from her face. She remembered, against her will, how Buffy had fixed her hair for her during their only sleep-over. How they'd bonded so much that night. How good she'd felt, knowing she could make the other woman blush. How sweet it was that Buffy had let her sleep in her bed. How right it felt when the older girl unconsciously cuddled up next to her in her sleep. How amazed she'd been that she hadn't wanted to bolt immediately at the act of true intimacy.

She felt regret burning in her chest and tried hard to push the memories away. It should've been easy. She'd been a pro at it her whole life. Something unpleasant happened or hurt her, and Faith could push it down, somewhere deep and lock it away. That's what she had to do with the other Slayer: push thoughts and affection for her somewhere far away and never look back.

What if it takes your breath and you can't hardly breathe?Staring at the punching bag in front of her, Faith squared her shoulders and dropped into her fighting position. She imagined that the bag in front of her was a vamp, and went to town. That image never lasted very long, though. Sooner or later it'd change into something more personal, and though she hated herself for it, she couldn't help it. Soon the bag would become her drunken mother, the father who left her, the boy who forced himself on her and taught her that sex wasn't really that special, her original Watcher who was tortured to death, Giles and his judgemental eyes, Xander and his look of confusion when she kicked him out after taking his virginity, Willow and her jealousy, Wesely and his pompous attitude, Angel and his brooding empathy, and eventually...

Faith choked down a cry as her fist slammed into the bag with incredible force. If the Mayor didn't have this one reinforced, it would've broken like the others.

And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound?Faith closed her eyes a moment and opened them to see the small, blonde girl in front of her. Green eyes were filled with hurt, accusation and betrayal.

"Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man!"She shut her eyes against the memories echoing in her mind and swung a punch at the bag again.

And again.

And again.

Faith could feel her knuckles protesting in pain, and she pushed through it. She could feel everything she'd ever shoved down deep threatening to break loose, and it was important to keep it in tact. Desperate to quell the anger, she thought of something better. She thought of the sound of her Watcher telling her how proud she was of her. Of Buffy telling her they could figure everything out together. Of the Mayor telling her how special she was.

And is it all my fault or can I fix it, please?Faith opened her eyes and saw Buffy standing in front of her, her hand bloodied from trying to save Finch.

"I never knew you had so much rage in you.""Right, because we're real tight, right?" Faith echoed and jabbed. The memory in front of her looked at her with such wide eyes.

"We can figure it out."

"We could be."They could've been a lot of things, if Buffy had ever taken the time to notice her. For months, Faith had been vying for her attention, only to lose to some undead ex. And besides, what was she supposed to do? Abandon the mission now? Go crawling back to the Scoobies on her hands and knees? It was impossible now. They never forgave her for her first fuck-up. They'd never forgive her for this. They'd never understand. The only person who really tried was the one person she hated more than anyone. The one guy who stood in the way of what she wanted. The guy who got to hold and kiss and comfort the girl she was so utterly fucking in love with. The only one the blonde goddess spread her legs for, and it killed her.

'Cause you know that I'm always all for you.Faith gasped as she held onto the bag, exhausted. Giving herself a moment, she stumbled over to the bed and sat down, breathing heavily. She held her head in her hands and faught back a sob. Everything was so fucked up and she didn't know what to do. She wished she could just leave everything and run away. She supposed she could, but the Mayor depended on her. She finally had a safe place to call home and she couldn't give that up.

At the same time, she didn't want to face Buffy. She didn't want to be in her prescense. She wanted to be so far away from her that she could forget she ever existed.

And what if it makes you crash and you can't find the key?Finally taking notice of the burning in her knuckles, she lowered her hands and looked at the bandages. The tops were stained red and she let out a sigh. Very carefully, she unwrapped one hand and then the other, wincing as the material tugged at her skin. Sure enough, her knuckles were split open, cracked and bleeding. It would heal, but it would be painful. Already, she noticed that it wasn't bleeding much and it wasn't deep.

She tossed the bloodied ace bandages in the trash, stood, and went to the bathroom to wash up. She splashed some cool water on her face and then gingerly washed her hands. Her knuckles stung, but it wasn't too bad, thankfully. Her breathing had evened out and her pulse was normal again. Her rage had diminished, and now she felt mercifully numb.

After drying her hands, she grabbed a twizzler and a few comics and jumped onto her bed. She'd read them all already, but she was desperate for anything to take her mind off of the girl who tortured her psyche. Besides, the workout had exhausted her and she needed a break.

And if this be our last conversation, if this be the last time that we speak for a while

Faith wasn't sure what song was playing on the radio, but she nodded along to it anyway, grateful to let the noise fill her head. It drowned out the pain a bit. She took a bite of the twizzler and tried to focus on the superheros in the comics. All beautifully sculpted and strong, always coming out on top. The villains always getting theirs in the end. Maybe Faith would get lucky and come out on top. Maybe, somehow, she'd get the girl in the end. Every dog had its day, right?

She blinked when she realized the music stopped. She sensed her before she turned to see her, her breath caught in her throat. When she rolled onto her back and sat up, she felt her knuckles burning, yes, but she recognized the pounding of her heart first.

Don't lose hope and don't let go.Faith tossed the candy aside and smiled.

The Reaper had never looked so beautiful.