Who knew the Moms were going to get all playful on me?
Mariana was the first one to bring it up at the end dinner. Unfortunately, Lena was in the middle of a flurry of sneezing, the beginning of a cold that would eventually take her down, so the message was somewhat lost. "Excuse me?" asked Lena.
"I wanted to know if I could go to the school dance on Friday."
Lena and Stef exchanged a glance, "well of course sweetheart," Stef finally said. "Are you-who are you going with?" she corrected herself.
"Lexi and I are going to go, you know, just to hang out and stuff," Mariana's voice trailed off and she dragged her fork through her sweet potatoes.
"I think that's great," said Lena.
"Yeah, some of my best times at dances were with girlfriends," said Stef.
"Well, yeah, but you're gay," said Mariana, looking up from her dinner.
Stef laughed, "I wasn't really aware of that at the time. I just wanted to go have fun with my friends."
"Yeah?"
"Sure. A whole group of us would go. We'd dance with each other, eat stuff, make fun of the boys. We had a great time," Stef smiled at the memory.
"I didn't know they had dances back in the olden days," smirked Jesús.
"Watch it," Stef warned, throwing a napkin at his face.
"How about you Mama?" asked Mariana.
Lena's hands twisted a little in her lap, "I was a little more shy than your mom. I went to some dances, usually with my closest friends, Jason and Ally."
"But you had fun?" asked Brandon, reaching for his glass to take a drink of water.
Lena shrugged, "it wasn't bad."
"You put a lot of work into the Harvest Dance, Mama," said Jesús, "the auditorium looks really cool. I like all the decorations. They were shiny."
"Thank you, baby. The parents and the ASB committee helped a lot."
"What about you boys?" asked Stef, looking at their sons, "are you going to go to the dance?"
"Maybe," said Jesús.
Brandon just shrugged.
"You guys said you'd think about it," said Mariana instantly putting down her fork and looking at them accusingly.
"We did think about it," said Brandon rolling his eyes in commiseration with Jesús.
"You better think that you're going then," said Mariana.
Jesús groaned, "c'mon Mariana."
Mariana folded her arms and stared at them stubbornly.
"Love, they don't have to go if they don't want to," Stef said mildly, nudging her daughter to pick up her fork and resume eating.
"Yes they do," said Mariana. "Everyone in the middle school is going and I want them to go too."
"Mariana-" Lena began.
Jesús sighed explosively, crumpling under his twin's demands, as usual. "Fine, we'll go, right Brandon?"
"Whatever," groaned Brandon. "But I'm leaving early if it's lame."
"Hey, no dance that I organized is going to be lame," Lena said, throwing a joking frown in his direction.
He grinned, "only if the kids are lame," he corrected.
"Do you guys know what you are going to wear?" asked Lena, passing the pitcher of water to Brandon and nodding in Jesús's direction.
"Clothes?" volunteered Jesús after he had swallowed a mouthful of chicken.
"Can I get new ones?" Mariana asked, as if the idea had just occurred to her.
"No," said Stef firmly. The school had at least three dances a year for the middle schoolers and four for the high schoolers. She didn't want to start a trend with Mariana about getting a new outfit every time there was a dance.
"Mommy," begged Mariana immediately, bringing out the big guns and the puppy eyes.
"No," said Stef again, shaking her head warningly at Lena, then Mariana, "you have enough outfits. Grams just bought you a new one not that long ago. You can wear that."
Mariana leaned back in her chair and pouted a little.
"I think we may need to have a dance party tonight," said Lena, changing the subject before her daughter got too deep into her sulking.
"A dance party?" asked Jesús, injecting his tone with a healthy degree of skepticism.
"No way," said Brandon.
"Well, do any of you know how to dance?" asked Lena pleasantly. A silence bomb descended on the room and the kids looked at one another.
"I don't," said Jesús. "Is that bad?"
"It's a dance, of course it's bad," said Brandon, looking worried. He had missed the dances as a sixth grader due to concerts, time with his dad, and general disinterest.
"It's not bad because we'll teach you," said Lena, beginning to stack her plate to take it to the sink.
"But how do you know the kind of dances that the kids will know?" asked Jesús.
"Well, Mama and I have been known to cut a rug or two," said Stef, beginning to stack her own plates.
Cut a rug? the kids looked even more panicked. Their moms didn't even know the right words. This was going to be a disaster! "Maybe we should look online," said Mariana politely.
"Mariana," said Lena firmly, turning around from her position at the sink, "I have been supervising at least half of the dances for almost ten years. I've seen the kids dance. It'll be fine."
"Or, y'know, if it's not, we'll certainly get noticed," said Brandon matter-of-factly.
Mariana scowled at him. The only one of the kids that would be more self-conscious than her if they were embarrassed would be Brandon. He was just teasing her.
"Fine," she said pertly, tossing her hair and following her twin to the sink. "We'll see how it goes."
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Her sons were…not particularly graceful, Stef decided. That wasn't a surprise when considering Brandon, all his talent went straight to the piano, but Jesús was definitely an athlete and he still had two left feet. She had a feeling it was mainly due to lack of attention. He was spending more time watching the other two learn to dance than doing it himself. "Jesús," she snapped. "Pay attention."
"Sorry."
"Alright, let's try this again. Hands at the waist. Never below the waist, got it?" she sent a warning glare at her other son.
"Got it," they chorused.
"Now the easiest kind of dance is where you just kind of sway together. There's nothing to it. Just kinda sway."
"That's slow-dancing, right Mom?" asked Brandon.
"Yes."
"That's the kind of dancing where people are k-i-s-s-i-n-g," sang Jesús.
"Not at my dances," snorted Lena, gliding by them with Mariana.
Jesús looped his hands together around his mom's waist and tried to see how far he could lean back before toppling over.
"Jesús," Stef sighed.
"Sorry."
"So the next one I'm going to show you requires a few steps. Traditionally, the guy leads, so you need to at least figure out these steps, especially since she's going to be doing the hard part of dancing backwards. The least you can do is not step on her feet."
"Okay," Jesús looked earnestly at his own shoes. Stef lead him through the steps, wincing a little when he stepped on her foot. "Sorry, Mom," he said, glancing up at her quickly and then back down at his feet. He began humming lightly with the music.
Stef grinned and kissed his head, smiling at Lena. She grinned back as Mariana carefully trotted around the carpet.
"I love dancing!" said Mariana excitedly. "Can I take dance lessons?"
"Sure," Lena said, spinning her with one hand, "there's all types of dance; modern, ballet, tap."
Brandon laughed, "take tap," he advised, "that won't ever be not funny."
On her next pass, Mariana accidentally on purpose clipped his ankle. "You should take dance too," she advised. "Then you won't look like such a dork when you dance."
"All right you two," warned Stef as she nodded encouragingly to Jesús as he took the correct steps, "that's enough of that."
"Maybe I should take dance classes," said Brandon doubtfully as Jesús stumbled again after looking up to grin proudly at his mom.
"You'll be fine," Lena assured him. "Mariana, take a break for a moment and let me practice with your brother."
Mariana pushed her lower lip out, "I want to keep dancing."
"Well, your brother needs more practice."
"You said it, I didn't," she said, flashing Brandon a grin.
He stuck out his tongue and took his place in front of Lena. His sense of rhythm was good, but it did not translate into dance steps. He sighed.
"What did you like best about your dances?" asked Mariana as she bounced on the couch cushions, watching her mothers and brothers.
"The food," joked Stef then, "there you go, Jesús, that's how you do it!" she squeezed his shoulder. "Let's try that again."
"It was kind of exciting…parts of it anyway," said Lena, leading Brandon through the pattern of steps again.
"Was it romantic?" asked Mariana.
The moms exchanged almost pained looks, so soon? "No," said Stef.
"Not really," said Lena.
"Oh," said Mariana disappointedly.
Her innate honesty provoked Lena into further disclosure, "there was a girl I really liked at my eighth grade dance. I remember thinking how pretty she looked in her dress." Her children looked at her curiously and she felt herself blush, "it might have been more romantic if I'd said something to her about it about it." She frowned, "or not." There were several possible negative outcomes that could have come from that disclosure. Brandon squeezed her hands and the twins gave her empathetic looks. She chuckled and shrugged off the negative thoughts, "I'm not sure dances are the most romantic things anyway. I like spending time romantic time alone with my partner."
"What a coincidence, so do I," said Stef, letting go of Jesús and nudging her other son over so she could dance with her partner.
"Mushy stuff," said Jesús to his siblings. They nodded and grinned.
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"Jesús…Brandon, get down here please, I want to talk to you before I go," Lena said, her hoarse voice making it difficult to project very far.
Luckily Stef, in Mariana's room, was listening carefully for her wife. "Brandon, Jesús, Mama wants you downstairs. Now!" she hollered.
"Ow, Mom, you hurt my eardrums," complained Mariana, sliding her dress over her head.
"Sorry baby," Stef kissed her head. "Turn around, let me get the those buttons for you. I don't know why Grams picked a dress with over a hundred buttons. That's like the dresses in the old days when ladies had maids to help them dress."
"I have you," said Mariana, spinning around so the bottom of her dress flared.
"Well, aren't we Miss Sassy tonight," said Stef as she began the laborious buttoning process. Mariana gave another little wriggle and Stef sighed, "sweetheart, it would make this easier if you would hold still."
"Sorry." Mariana stopped moving. "I'm just really excited."
"I know you are baby. Mama and I are so happy for you." Stef moved her daughter's long, dark hair away from the buttons so it didn't pull.
"Even if I don't get asked to dance a lot, I'm going to have fun," said Mariana, "because Lexi is going to be there and we'll be just like you and your friends and we'll dance together. We've already talked about it."
"That's a great idea sweetheart. And you know that you don't have to wait to be asked to dance, right? You can ask a boy too."
Mariana spun back to face her, nose wrinkling a little, "I don't think that's how it's done. Sonia said that the boys ask the girls."
"And they do, a lot of the time," said Stef as she straightened imaginary wrinkles in her daughter's dress. "But some boys are just as shy and nervous as you get sometimes, and they might be worried about asking you. If you see a boy that's watching you but looking a little scared, maybe you could ask him."
"Maybe," said Mariana nodding thoughtfully. "Is that what you did, Mom?"
"I liked dancing," Stef admitted, "and I danced with a lot of guys. Some of them were kind of shy, but I found out that when I made them laugh, they weren't as shy anymore."
"You are pretty funny Mom," agreed Mariana. "I don't know if I can be funny, like you. I'm not as good at it as you are."
"You don't have to make people laugh to make them comfortable," said Stef, cupping her daughter's cheek briefly, "you do other things to make people safe. Just be good at being you, that's what counts."
"Yeah?" Mariana's voice held a sliver of doubt.
"Yeah," said Stef. She'd been outgoing as a teenager, but she had also been self-conscious. Being confused about her sexuality had added a layer of unease that had never allowed her to feel completely free, at least not until she met Lena. She never wanted her children to feel like they couldn't be who they were.
"Which jewelry should I wear Mommy? I think silver is going to go best with this dress," said Mariana, tearing her from old thoughts and replacing them with new ones. "I want to wear the necklace you and Mama gave me and the bracelet that Grandma gave me. They look pretty together."
"I think that would be lovely," said Stef, feeling a pang. Mariana wasn't a different girl from the one who'd cuddled up with her in bed on Sunday morning, but suddenly she seemed much older. Things like prom and graduation lurked around the corner, waiting to whisk her children away. She smiled at her daughter, focusing on the moment. Breathe. "You look absolutely beautiful love. What should we do with your hair?"
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"I know this is your first dance, and I really want it to be good for all of you," Lena paused to cough into her shoulder. "Mariana is a little nervous about not having people to dance with tonight. Do you think you could help her with that?"
The boys looked at her, "you mean ask her to dance? I think the other kids would make fun of us…and her," said Jesús. The boys were sitting side-by-side on the couch, looking at her with serious faces.
"No, I don't mean that. Maybe you could ask some of your friends if they would dance with your sister," Lena rubbed her head tiredly. She was beginning to get a headache.
Brandon perked up at this suggestion, "I could ask Aiden, he wouldn't mind. He thinks Mariana is funny."
"I could ask Sam and Pete," said Jesús. "They're nice to her, even when she's annoying us and stuff."
"Good, thank you. That will mean a lot to her." Lena took a breath. "Now listen, I want the two of you to be gentlemen tonight. Remember that you are at a dance in front of everyone. You should be aware of your surroundings and use your best manners. Don't wipe your noses on your sleeves or anything like that."
Brandon looked offended, "Mama, we're not gross."
"I know your not," explained Lena patiently, "you just need to be prepared for eventualities. For example, if you do need a tissue, what are you doing to do?"
"Get a Kleenex," said Jesús barely refraining from rolling his eyes.
"And where do you imagine those will be, at a dance, in the auditorium?"
The boys exchanged glances. "I'm gonna go get some Kleenex," said Jesús, heading for the bathroom.
"Get some for me too!" yelled Brandon.
"Please," reminded Lena.
"Please!"
"Okay, let's talk about specific dance etiquette," said Lena when Jesús returned. "Remember when you ask a girl to dance you say please and you look her in her eyes. If you have to sneeze or cough, do it into your arm but also step away. You don't want to be doing that in your dance partner's space."
"Uh-huh."
"Its considered polite to hold hands to get to the dance floor. Then when you're done dancing, you smile, look at her eyes again, and say thank you."
"Okay," said Jesús.
"How many girls should we ask to dance?" asked Brandon.
"You don't have to ask anybody to dance if you don't want too," said Lena. "But there's something I'd really like you to think about. There's probably going to be a lot of girls there who feel like your sister, and I think you'll be able to tell who they are. They might be the girls who stay seated at the tables, or the ones standing near a wall. They'll be watching things that are going on, or looking down, too nervous to look up. It would make me very proud and happy if you would ask one of those girls to dance."
Both her sons looked thoughtful, Brandon nodding and Jesús's bright eyes fixed solemnly on her face.
"It's not something you have to do. It's okay if you don't want too. I just know my boys have good hearts and would notice them. And I want you to know it's okay if you ask them to dance, and that it would probably make it a lovely night for those girls."
"Mama?" said Mariana from the top of the stairs, "could you do my hair please?"
"Apparently my hairstyles aren't fancy enough for this shindig," Stef's voice floated down as well.
"Mrs. Rivera will be here in a minute," Lena said to her sons, "why don't you guys play a game while you wait."
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Many, many pictures were snapped as the four children posed on the stairs, in front of the fireplace, then on the front steps. Only when they started sighing and groaning impatiently did their mothers stop.
After some vigorous waving, Lena and Stef watched the car disappear. Lena sighed a slightly teary sigh and leaned on Stef, "I should have gone."
"You're sick," Stef reminded her.
"It's just a cold." Sensitive Lena had turned into crabby Lena. "I want to see our babies dance."
"Well, you'll just have to spend time with little old me," said Stef, wrapping her in a hug and leading her to the front door.
"Didn't Mariana look beautiful?" sighed Lena as they walked through the door. "She looked so grown-up."
"That's what I was thinking as I helped her get ready. I was trying to just focus on the moment, but they seem to be going too quickly," said Stef.
"It's their first dance," said Lena quietly. Stef kissed the side of her forehead. They sat on the couch, watching as the sunlight through the windows faded into twilight. When Stef finally got up to turn on the lights, Lena shook her head. "Get some candles out, okay? I don't want all that bright light right now."
While she was up, Stef turned on the stereo to a low volume, letting the music blend into the background. "Mariana was so cute the other day. All those questions about romance."
"She's so innocent in that way. I want to wrap her up and protect her until we find her a first boyfriend whose going to be the sweetest kid in the world. I can't bear to think of her getting her heart broken," said Lena.
"Yeah, first loves can be tough," said Stef, letting Lena cuddle close to her on the couch.
"You were pretty quiet on the subject of romance the other day," said Lena.
Stef shrugged, "You know, its funny to me. I was a pretty popular kid, never had any trouble making friends. And I did have fun at the dances, but I guess I hadn't realized how hard it was for me too. I did…I did want to dance with some of those girls and not the way I danced with my friends. I remember that…the wanting, even when I knew it would end badly."
"I know that feeling," said Lena, "I think I accepted I was gay by the time I was Mariana's age, maybe a little earlier, but even accepting it. I knew if I acted on it, there would be trouble. That girl I was telling everyone about…I really liked her. I thought she was so pretty. All I wanted to do was to be able to hold her hand and I knew I couldn't even do that. Not really. Not the way I wanted."
Stef let her head drop back onto the couch cushion, "it's too bad we didn't know each other then. I think I would have loved getting to know thirteen-year-old you."
"You would not," said Lean, laughing a little and poking her, "you would have thought I was boring, I was so shy."
"I would have fallen it love with you," said Stef, "at any age, at any time."
She leaned forward and they kissed tenderly before Lena pulled back. "I'm sick," she reminded her lover.
"I share a bed with you," Stef retorted, going in for another kiss. They shared this delightful activity for some time until suddenly, Stef laughed.
"What?"
"I was just thinking, what it would have been like if we had met when we were teenagers."
"Yeah," a smile pulled at the corner of Lena's mouth.
Suddenly Stef stood up and walked over to the other end of the room, facing the wall for a minute, smoothing back her hair with her hands.
"What are you doing?" asked Lena
Stef turned and she sauntered over to the couch, her strides longer than normal and with the faintest swagger. "Hey," she said.
"Hey."
Stef's voice got almost imperceptibly higher, "So I noticed you were over here by yourself," she said, bouncing a little on the balls of her feet.
Lena straightened a little and pulled the afgan off of her. Even if she hadn't seen pictures of thirteen-year-old Stef, she would have recognized the body language. "Yeah?" she said curiously.
Stef ducked her head, "so, um, do you want to like, dance with me or something?"
The tone of teenage eagerness made Lena grin, but it was the hint of vulnerability, that same vulnerability she had seen in her children's faces that night, that made her feel incredibly tender. "Sure," she said with a nod, casually offering her hand. Stef pulled her to her feet and they moved together automatically.
Through sheer luck or some sort of dimensional shift in the space-time continuum, Eternal Flame came on.
"I like this song," said Lena, beginning to perform the familiar steps she had been teaching her children, remembering how this felt as a teenager.
"Me too," said Stef quickly. "I don't think its at all provincial or melodramatic."
Lena chuckled.
They danced for awhile in silence, the initial song followed by Like a Prayer. Stef could feel Lena's a-little-above-normal skin temperature under her hands. "I think you're really, really pretty," volunteered Stef, intentionally widening her eyes and batting them.
Really, really. Lena smiled.
"Thanks Stef. I really like you."
A smile pulled at Stef's mouth, "do you like me, or do you like like me?" she asked seriously.
She looked into Stef's familiar hazel eyes, "I like like you." Stef gave her the same smile that melted her heart ever since the first time she'd flashed it at her.
They danced some more, not quite at the kissing stage, but treading around it with an intensity that was making Lena want to drag her lover the bedroom.
"Do you want to, like, come over to my house and listen to some records some time?" Stef asked. "I have, like, a huge collection and I have my own record player in my room."
Lena let her whole body quietly melt into Stef's. "I like Bananarama," she volunteered shyly.
Stef broke character, "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," she said, holding Lena lightly by the elbows so she could push her back a little.
Lena giggled, a giggle as light as any teenager's.
The dancing became more like swaying in place and the women let their hands travel over one another's bodies and their kissing became intense until suddenly, Lena was overcome with a coughing fit. They stopped immediately. "You okay, love?" Stef asked.
"Yeah," Lena gasped after a moment. "Just took my breath."
"That's my job," Stef said, laying her palm against Lena's cheek.
"That's your job," Lena agreed, leaning into the touch. She shuddered from both the touch and her increasing fever.
"Time for bed sweetheart," Stef said gently, drawing their heads together so their foreheads touched.
"Don't wanna," said Lena tiredly, sounding childlike without even trying.
Stef pulled her lover up the stairs.
"Taking me to bed seems like a big step," teased Lena, resting against the wall in the hallway.
Stef entwined her fingers in Lena's belt loops and pulled her into the bedroom undressing them both quickly and recladding them in their loosest, most comfortable pajamas. Lena groaned a little in protest but submitted to these ministrations.
They lay in bed, sharing a pillow, Stef reaching out to stroke Lena's hair from her face. "Thanks for being my dance partner tonight," she said.
Lena smiled, "dances were always supposed to be this amazing, romantic thing, something girls would talk about days before and days after, but they weren't like that for me. They were missing something."
Stef smiled sadly, "mine too. I always felt like more of an outsider after them and I never really knew why. It made me sad and mad at myself."
"Always too hard on yourself," whispered Lena, patting her cheek. "S'not you. Never you. Just the world."
"Who knew I just needed you?" whispered Stef as Lena's eyes began fluttering shut.
"Knew I needed you. First time. Saw you. Just knew."
Stef lips pressed hers, "love you."
"Love you."