I Think I Have Diabetes

Bella's inner monologue: College was a priority (college was still plan B, of the chance that Edward's offer swayed me from the post-graduation Carlisle option). Because of course, getting your college education, children, comes in second to transforming into the blood sucking undead for the rest of eternity. Charlie wasn't happy with me or speaking to Edward.

Charlie: Three days without food. If I were a dog, I would be turned over to animal protection rights.

Bella's inner monologue: It was almost as if the last eight months were just a disturbing nightmare. Almost. Before the fall, I hadn't been best friends with Jacob Black. The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, stupid sadist prince who is just too sexy to be mad at, bad spell broken, wait, *looks at cover* this is Twilight, not Harry Potter, right? I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Durrrhhh, where all the best friend characters who don't get the girl go… they slink to the side of the screen while the lead lady kisses her man meat.

Bella: It's just plain rude! Downright insulting! Billie said he didn't want to talk to me. I am cute as a button, and feeling neglected.

Edward: It's not you, Bella. Nobody hates you. Well, only a handful at least… ermm, Jessica, Jane, Caius, Rosalie, all those damn ice cubes. We are what we are. I can control myself, but I doubt he can. In more ways than one. I am chaste boyfriend virgin lover, m'dear, and Jacob just wants to ravish your body. I don't know if I could stop it before I k- hurt him.

Bella: Were you about to say killed him?

Edward: I would try…very hard… not to do that. Really, who are we kidding? I probably wouldn't be trying all that hard. Just because he's a threat to Bella and is my arch nemesis… not because my masculinity is challenged by him or anything.

Bella's inner monologue: I remembered what happened to Paris when Romeo came back. They fight. Paris falls. Alright, Stephenie, we get the allusion to Romeo and Juliet. Ram it down our throats much? And there it was. My motorcycle, flaunting itself in the driveway.

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why would Jacob do this to me?

Bella's inner monologue: What had I done to deserve this? I never imagined that Jake could be so petty and just plain mean. It's not like I ditched him for my ex, now not ex, lover love of cold mannage or anything.

Bella: Let me go! I'm going to murder him! Traitor!

Jasper: Traitor, you say? To the gallows!

Bella: Why? How could you do this to me, Jacob.

Jacob: It's for the best. I just wanted to ground your ass so that sucktastic over here couldn't drink your blood.

Edward: He just wanted to get you grounded, so you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me.

Bella: I'm already grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push?

Jacob's inner monologue: Ummm, because you have an overcontrolling, pussy who can't take competition for a boyfriend.

Edward: He thought I wouldn't let you, not Charlie.

Jacob: Stop that. And you are taking out all the juicy stuff and making me look like I should be running around sparkling with a bouffant hairdo.

Edward: Thank you. I will owe you for the rest of my… existence. For keeping Bella alive.

Jacob: I didn't do it for your benefit. Obviously.

Edward: If there's anything in my power to do for you…

Jacob's inner monologue: Go fuck yourself?

Edward: That's not in my power. It's hers. I'm here until she orders me away.

Bella: Never.

Jacob: *gag* Ugghh, I think I feel that tomato soup coming up. The treaty is specific. If any of them bite a human. Bite, not kill.

Bella: Knock knock.

Jacob: Who's there?

Bella: Nunya

Jacob: Nunya who?

Bella: Nunya business.

Edward: Careful! He's not under control. Mad and dangerous werewolf. Must defend female.

Jacob: Ugh. I would never hurt her. Not like I'm planning on biting her and turning into an undead tranny mess.

Charlie: Bella! You get in this house this instant! Back in the kitchen and make me mah dinner, woman!

Edward: We've found no trace of Victoria on our side.

Jacob: She took off like a bat out of hell. What, Stephenie? No lame attempt at a vampire joke there? I'm slightly crestfallen.

Edward: She's not your problem anymore. We'll-

Jacob: She's ours!

Bella: Doesn't anyone love me? Fight about me! You promised. Still friends, right?

Jacob: I can't see how to keep trying. Not now… Really? Really, Bella? God I hate being the best friend. Miss you.

Bella: Me, too. *grabs for Jacob* It's okay.

Edward: No, it's not. And that is completely to protect you. I am in no way paranoid that you might have crazy wolf-human fling with puberty boy over here.

Charlie: ISABELLA SWAN!

Jacob: *painful crumple face*

Bella's inner monologue: I had some serious problems. Ummm, and I'm just coming to that conclusion now because? Oh right, I'm Bella. My best friend counted me with his enemies. Victoria was on the loose. If I didn't become a vampire soon, the Volturi would kill me. And I have an unsettling feeling that browniechadowes might try to drag me into yet another painful and embarrassing parody. Very serious problems.

Edward: Serious, indeed.

Bella's inner monologue: But Edward was here, with his arms around me. I could face anything as long as that was true. I squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.

Edward: Eeesh that monologue was particularly sugary.

Bella: I think I have diabetes.

Edward: Get smashed before browniechadowes can get her paws on us?

Bella: That's not a question.

Edward and Bella: *jump into the shaving cream filled pit of discarded characters, dragging LaniLynne behind them*

browniechadowes: Note to LaniLynne: You asked for it. If Mike gets frisky, don't come crying to me about it. And as for everyone else, feel free to jump into the pit, too, but make sure you come out in due time. I have my dirty little hands on Eclipse and will need that pit vacated for the next installment of snarky obnoxiousness.