AN: Hello! Sorry, I know this was the latest date, I'm really sorry: it's the last week of term and there are loose ends to be ties, concerts to be played, magazines to edit, rooms to pack...not that you really need the list. Hopefully you've not forgotten too much, basically, this is the morning after the disco- Lancelot knows he loves Gwen but when he danced with her was overwhelmed by a sense of guilt that made him physically ill: he thinks Merlin is to blame, Arthur was a very sweet once and future king kinda guy and Gwen approved, and Merlin and Morgana made up; though they don't know how long it will last.
asdf: The pixie dust didn't work? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? I need to go get a refund...ahem, I'm sane really o.0 anyway, haha, accurate, very accurate, and I agree: sweet as he may be, his actions belie that in the legends, and, well, you know what they say...I do too, cos it's mergana, but cos it's mergana, I can't make it easy/certain, or I may be accused of writing insanely OOC characters..c'est la vie I guess. It certainly would be, but then, this is Merlin, has has an occasionally frustrating ability and tendency to keep his mouth shut where it should be open...and that's ok- her story is most of next chap, you're only supposed to have a flashed/fragmented idea :-), thanks, and hope this isn't too late!
noname: Not a problem! It's only common courtesy, if you take the time then so should I. At least, that's the way I see it. Haha glad you like it second time round and no worries- haha, it's good for me to know, so thankyou!
WARNING: SOME STRONG LANGUAGE IN THIS CHAPTER
Ok, in case you missed it, sum up is in the top of the AN- so we'll be starting with the morning after, I was going to do a cracky chap on the end of the evening, but then I though I really ought to start kicking in the main story...well, parts of it...
Enjoy!
Lancelot was not a violent person. Nor was he, generally, a cruel one. Most people, in fact, saw him as exceedingly kind: which he appreciated, because it was how he wanted to be seen, and how he wanted to be. However; there was one thing that held a stronger influence over his soul than kindness or chivalry- and one thing alone. Love.
He tried to stop the thought in its tracks. Arthur was a great friend, and so was Merlin (even if he'd known him for a matter of weeks). He would never do anything to really hurt either of them and knew neither of them would do anything to him. But…
Lancelot grit his teeth, getting to his feet and pacing across the thin carpet of Gwaine's lounge, which he and Merlin had passed out on. Gwaine had woken up a while ago and pulled a coat on over his rumpled clothes to go into town and get aspirin and coffee. Merlin was still soundly asleep.
The conscious boy shot the other a quick glance- his pale face was, for once, relaxed and peaceful, the baby of a smile gently curving the corners of his mouth. Agitated, Lancelot ran a hand through his hair, almost able to feel the echoes of guilt slithering over his skin.
With a quick, decisive movement, he strode out of the room and into the hall, taking a sharp turning into Gwaine's cramped kitchen and jamming the tap on, throwing cold water over his face- trying to wash off the…dirty sensation that had haunted him all night. As he looked up, he caught his reflection in the grimy window. His own eyes stared back- as haunted as they had been last night, though tired now, and agitated- wild, even. The single memory threw the rest of the night back into his mind, and just for a second, that light, burning, wondrous feeling of pure love licked at his heart...
And then the guilt smothered it and Lancelot, who'd been awake all night, trying to figure out a better explanation for it, simply snapped.
Fists clenched, he marched back into the lounge and grabbed Merlin's skinny arms roughly, blind to the rare innocence that should never have been stolen away from the boy's face. He needed the truth, he needed answers, and he was going to get them.
X
The first thing Merlin knew was that his world was shaking. The darkness behind his eyelids trembled so much he was terrified it would fall apart; and he really didn't want to see what was behind the shadows, panicked, he forced his eyes open, blinking a few times in a hurry- sudden sick memories of Elizabeth House washing over him in force as a face came into view, and he realized he was being shaken.
For one horrid, terrible moment he wondered if it had all been a long, confusing, taunting dream: Pendragon College, Gaius, Arthur, Morgana…And then his vision came into focus and he realized it was Lance and let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
He did a double take then. Because good- it wasn't Nimueh or any of her followers waking him up for hours of 'tests', but bad- because this was Lancelot, and he looked angrier than Merlin had ever seen him and he didn't know why.
"L-Lancelot? What is it? Has something happened?"
Realising he was awake Lancelot let go of Merlin, who gingerly touched his arms, which were already beginning to mark where Lancelot's fingers had been, and barked a humourless laugh.
"Has something-? Merlin, I hope you realize that you cannot exist, I can no longer exist without something happening."
Merlin glanced around the flat quickly to see if Gwaine was there, distantly aware of a throbbing hangover building in the back of his mind. Suddenly a hand grabbed his chin, roughly, forcing him to look round.
"Will you at least do me the courtesy of paying attention? And no, Gwaine isn't here, if it sets your mind at rest." Lancelot sounded like he didn't care if it did or not, and his eyes were dark and wild.
Frowning, Merlin jerked away from Lancelot's grasp. "Look, stop. What's wrong?"
Lancelot raised his eyebrows in furious incredulity. "Oh, you don't know. No really Merlin, please do pretend to be innocent. Play the fool, you were born to do it. Pretend you know nothing when you- you, God, why? Why would you do this to me? I don't- don't understand, I've never hurt you, never done anything- I thought you were my friend-I- argh!"
Merlin, who had been doing his hungover best to keep up, quickly interjected before Lancelot could go on. "I am your friend, you know that."
Lancelot whirled on him. "Really? Do I? Because it doesn't bloody well seem like it right now."
"What are you talking about? What have I done?" Affronted by the venom in his friend's voice and at the end of his patience, Merlin could no longer resist the urge to ask for some sort of explanation.
"Gwen!" Lancelot shouted, though his voice broke on the word, catching it and weakening the impact.
This didn't help. "Gwen?"
In one fluid movement Lancelot was next to him, fist raised, and Merlin subtly braced himself, though he could barely believe Lancelot would ever hurt him. He didn't. Instead he just shook his head, whistling through his teeth. "Yes, Merlin, Guinevere, the woman I love. That I have always loved and always will love and who I can't love because of you."
At 8am on a Sunday morning with a hangover this was a little much for Merlin to deal with. For a moment all he did was open his mouth, then shut it again, unsure of what to say. Finally he picked what he thought was probably the least controversial part of Lancelot's jumble of sincerity, betrayal, emotion and accusation.
"Why am I stopping you loving Gwen?"
Lancelot went from looking angry to furious, all but snarling, dark features twisted with grief and pain, despair and betrayal. "You know exactly why."
Standing up now, Merlin shook his head slowly, beginning to feel a little annoyed himself. "No, actually, I don't."
Lancelot's fist came through the air towards him and in a second Merlin ducked, barely avoiding the blow, and abruptly furious. "What the hell Lancelot?"
"The curse Merlin. Remember now? The guilt. You cursed me. So whenever I see Guinevere all I feel is guilt. I can't look at her without looking at him. Can't touch her without feeling as if I'm spreading dirt or oil or poison over her skin. I'm suffocated, crushed, restrained by overwhelming bloody guilt!" Lancelot spat the word as if the taste of it on his tongue disgusted him. Merlin couldn't decide whether to be amused or shocked or unsurprised. He should have known. He should have known it would come to something like this- it was the way it always worked, people either hated him instantly, or grew to use him as a scapegoat. Though he had to admit he hadn't thought that Lancelot would fall into that trap… Though this was Lancelot and Guinvere. Why would he ever think their separation would be easy? Although in reality so far all he'd had to do with it was strictly non-magical, in spite of Lancelot's conviction. He came back to reality when something shoved his shoulder.
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" Lancelot roared, looking half crazed, as he probably was. People went mad for love. Or so he'd heard. He thought of his father, grabbing Nimueh, trying to stop her- attacking three men, one with a gun. "God, I listen to everything you say, I try and protect you, be good, follow my heart- and the thanks I get…"
Lancelot shook his head, yanking a rough hand through his overgrown hair and Merlin took the opportunity to try and reason with him.
"Look, I've not cursed you, I've not done anything, why would I?"
Lancelot looked at him like he was an idiot and Merlin bridled. "Why do you think?"
"Lancelot, you do realize I was dying in a cave when you betrayed your friend, your king and your country?" He remarked, drily, though in truth he barely remembered what he'd known back then. His memories were elusive as water. Didn't mean he couldn't bluff though.
"I did nothing! I followed my heart, she loved me!"
A cold burning sort of anger, pure fury, suddenly rushed through Merlin's veins. No, he hadn't been there, and no, he didn't remember- but there was a part of him that had known and loved Lancelot, Guinevere and Arthur, and now combined with his new friendship with the three, Lancelot's betrayal truly hit home. Gwaine's window panes rattled, plaster fell from the ceiling and cracks pulled across the walls. Merlin wondered absently if he'd had a little more control in his past life. He hoped so.
"You did nothing? Really? You slept with a married woman- a woman married to your best friend, your king, the best man in Albion, who you betrayed- you were one of the reasons he was killed but you say you did nothing? Lancelot, has it occurred to you that this overwhelming burden that's stopping you from taking her again isn't a curse, it's your guilt. All yours, that you've had to deal with for a thousand years?"
"What, and none of the others have things to feel guilty about? He knew I loved her- he could see it in my eyes, he knows it now, and he took her anyway- married her when he knew!"
Merlin snorted and the TV started smoking. "Oh, of course, so you screwed her to tell him 'I told you so.'"
He should have expected the fist that rocked into his face. Had anyone else talked about Morgana like that, he'd have done the same. Had anyone else said that about Gwen, in any other context, he'd have done the same. It didn't mean it didn't hurt though- physically and emotionally.
Merlin swore, one hand going to his cheek, and Lancelot paused, breathing heavily, hand still raised. Finally, he let out a deep breath. "Whether you cursed me or just neglected to free from old burdens- you punished me somehow, stuck me with the rest of them wherever we were for all those years and then expected me to not give a damn- as if I'd never loved her. It is for that that I cannot, and will not forgive you."
With that, Lancelot marched out, stiffly, as if barely able to stop himself from turning and giving Merlin a thorough beating. It made Merlin shiver to think that that may well be the case. As Lancelot walked out, Gwaine walked past him, coming in the door a few seconds after it had closed. He was smiling, a paper Boots bag in one hand and a Starbucks one in the other, and was about to say something when he caught sight of Merlin- or rather, the inflamed patch on his face and finger shaped marks on his bare arms.
"What the- did Lance do that?"
Merlin shrugged, considered lying and gave up by nodding. Gwaine dropped the paper bags on the coffee table, looking furious, and then paused. "Why?"
"He thinks I'm…coming between him and Gwen."
Gwaine raised an eyebrow, and Merlin could read the thoughts there easily- that Lancelot never got that upset or angry over girls. Ah- Merlin thought- but this is Lancelot and Guinevere. It's a little different.
"Are you?"
Merlin shook his head, smiling wryly, and slumped down onto the sofa, glancing guiltily at the TV, which was still steaming a little. He went into the paper bags and pulled out a skinny latte and some aspirin, taking them quickly and patting the seat beside him.
Gwaine paused, glancing at the door, and then sat down.
Merlin looked at him, and then at his hands, already regretting his argument with Lancelot. Because he knew he'd done nothing, and arguing had only made things worse. He might not remember much, or really anything specific from his first life, but he knew that he would never ever stop someone being with who they loved. Because…
With a sigh, Merlin took another bitter, scalding gulp of coffee and shut his eyes.
"Gwaine, I want to tell you a story."
Oooh, so what's it going to be about? I'm taking bets, whoever wins gets a virtual Merlin plushie :D And yes, I realise Lance is a little OOC- but he's been seriously shaken up...I mean, it's Lancelot and Guinvere...also, hopefully you got the hint at how things have gone in the past for Mer when people have discovered his magic, and you're noticing that it's starting to surface more and more now he's accepted it...not like that could blow up at any point or anything...
Hope you liked it, thankyou for reading, and please do take the time to comment if you can; it is, always, greatly appreciated
Kat
p.s Nonnie, if you start reading this sometime in the future/are reading, I recommend 'Wolf Hall' by Hilary Mantel, it's about Thomas Cromwell and is one hell of a volume, but it's brilliant and I think you'd love it. Hope you're well!