Chapter Twenty Five
There were a few more minor events the two of them had to attend, but that was all. It was not very hard to find a way to leave, especially with the additional help. Initially, Vayne was glad, as he was starting to be a bit confused at what he was feeling and he did not enjoy such an emotion.
However, the problem was not in Bhujerba, as he continued to be troubled as they headed back to Archadia. There was still a deep sense of frustration and irritation.
After spending some time thinking about it, he decided to be honest and admit the truth.
It was all due to his sister-in-law. Ever since she almost died, he had been thinking about her.
They had talked alone before and he could argue that the privacy was because of the severity of what had happened in Bhujerba. However, he was careful to make sure that no one would notice him entering her room in the first place.
"You are not afraid of any gossips?" he asked his sister-in-law as she closed the door after she made sure that no one was nearby.
"Some talk of House Solidor that must not be heard? Or should we use Larsa again?" she commented, and the similar words caused him to smile slightly. "Besides, I am sure that you had been very careful to make sure that no one saw you."
Even though she was still dressed for the day, she was freed of any makeup since she was not going anywhere. Glancing at her dressing table, he saw that she was sorting out her jewelleries.
"You are remarkable calm." He finally said.
"I've already made one foolish mistake." She answered. "I don't intend to make a second one."
"I do not understand you." he finally said as he sat down at the edge of her bed, since she was in front of her dressing table, the only seat. "I thought that I did, but it seemed that I do not."
"That is because you do not understand surviving for the sake of surviving alone." She said. She was no longer facing him as she was brushing her hair, which was completely loose. He knew that this was to let her look at him without directly facing him, although it was a bit unusual for her to be doing this, as her action was regarded as a rather private action. One would do this in front of brothers or husband, not one's brother-in-law.
"I am not a woman who can fight, so my defence is to make sure that I am not in any danger. Therefore, I have to be on my guard instead of being hysterical at past mistakes, is that not a simple answer?" she commented.
"Being able to fight is not always enough." He said, recalling his two brothers. Even if he failed to beat them in a fight, he had no doubt that someone else would have made sure that the execution was done.
"You are right. I am very grateful to you, Lord Vayne." Upon this, she went to kneel in front of him. Perhaps it was extreme, but if it was not for him, then she would have undergone a painful and horrifying death. "You saved my life. This time, it was not merely letting me decide what I want."
"But?" he asked, hearing the unspoken words.
"I want to live because I don't want to die." She said, "But I also realised something due to almost dying. I want to live, but I am the only one that wants me to live. If I die, there will be no one that grieves for me."
"As I have said, your death will hurt Larsa greatly."
"What of you?"
He wanted to stand up. Not to leave, but just to stand up instead of looking back at her, as there was something very intense about her gaze. However, Messallina did not know of this, so she actually placed her hands on his knees, forcing him to stay in that position.
"I just want to know. What happened to me made me want to know. You know that you can trust me with this answer." She implored out.
"What good would that do?" he muttered before he nodded. "Yes, I know that I can give you an answer. I…I would be upset if you die, I would grieve for you. Is that all you want to know?"
"You would be upset? Yet your acting was very convincing. Perhaps a bit too well."
"If you believe in these words, then you are more foolish then what I had thought."
However, she merely smiled at this. After all, these words were very different from the words that had frightened her. Perhaps it was because he was a very good actor and because words could easily be true. It was true that the two of them had a very special relationship, but she was not sure whether it would matter to him, despite it being of great importance to her.
"I am starting to think whether a person is still living if there would be no one that mourns their death." She commented as she returned to her seat. "Larsa will grieve for me but he is a sweet child who would grieve at anyone's death."
"No, I think he would be extremely upset if you came to any harm. You are like a sister to him." he commented. "I am actually a bit surprised that he does not address you as his sister."
"I think it is because he learnt from her…the empress. She usually called me by my name, so he followed suit. I let him call me that because I do not see why he would call me sister, since you never do."
"Or is it because you do not see either of us as your brother?"
"That is not completely inaccurate." She agreed. "It is hard to adopt your husband's family as your own when your husband did not want you. In addition, the way that you treats him make me realise that I am not able to love him as a brother. I am not completely sure of what I feel for him, I suppose the best way is to just say that Larsa is Larsa."
"He would be very upset when he finds this out."
"But you would not let him know, would you?" she retorted. "I am grateful that he would grieve for me but the truth is that I rather you mourn for me. That would be enough."
"I do not understand you." he repeated again. The very fact that he admitted this to someone was actually very symbolic. In addition, his words were accompanied by frustration.
"You confuse me." this time, it was he who stood behind her, and he placed his hand on her shoulders. Not only was the grip very hard, so was the gaze that met hers in the mirror. "I am confused at why I was so angry at the prospect of you being in danger, why I would be very upset if you died. Most of all, I cannot understand why I would think of you so often."
"Is it so hard for you to realise that another beside Larsa might be special to you?" she said, but her own voice was filled with wonder. "We have been through many incidents and see each other at very vulnerable moments. Most of all, we have a strange trust toward one another.
"That is not all." Now that she was right in front of him with their bodies coming into contact, he was starting to understand a little. "You are special to me. Special enough to make me want you."
At first, she simple stared and she even twisted around so that she could look at him with her own eyes instead of from the mirror. Then, she began to laugh.
It actually took her a while before she could speak.
"Lord Vayne, it is not that hard to find a pretty mistress who you could talk to without worrying whether she would stab you when you are undressed."
"It is not because of that." He said firmly. "This is madness, I know. However, I want you, and only you will do."
"Even if it would not be seen as incest, it would still be regarded as amoral." She began, her tone still that of bewilderment.
"I am not asking for anything other then this one night, because I know that it is a crazed desire." He said firmly. "I want this. I now know that this is why I have been like this."
It was because he wanted her, to be able to do this with her, as well as the fact that he knew that by doing this, his position with her would be very different. The figure in that elaborate ball dress made him see her in a different light and that was the final step to this madness.
"But you are already very special to me." Messallina pointed out. "There is no need to do this."
"I know, but I want this. I am not rational and maybe it is because this is a rare opportunity." Saying so, he actually released his hold. "Or maybe I just want to stop thinking of anything else."
She was no longer looking at him and he was feeling a bit embarrassed, another extremely rare emotion. However, he also knew that what he asked would not change anything at all. She would just regard it as a sudden moment of insanity from him and it would never be mentioned again.
The sound of the drawer being opened caused him to look at her. She was actually facing him and in her hand was a dried flower, while a book was in her other hand.
"Thanks to my sister and the maid that had helped her to meet her lover, I learnt things that a virtuous widow and wife would never know. Annallina left this book behind, and it actually contained what she used with her lover whenever she snuck out to meet him. When this flower dried, a man could eat it to prevent a woman from being pregnant by him."
"You agree then?"
"Your want is actually very flattering because I don't think anyone truly wanted me before, let along a man like you. But my agreement is not due to that. It is because you are special to me. Therefore, why not let you be the most special to me, although I would never be that to you?"
Then she kissed him. She kissed him and asked to be kissed back because this was not just physical.
Unlike before, the woman he slept with would remain in his arms instead of just leaving after the completion of the task. For Messallina, it was naturally different too, as the man wanted her for himself, and he even wished to hold onto her after the necessary act was done.
The whispering of names was replaced by silence, until the woman broke it.
"Are there any regrets?"
"Why would there be?"
"You are acknowledging that I am very special. Each moment that you continue to hold me like this is seen as a declaration by me."
"Why ask me questions that you already know?"
"I suppose very special is enough, even though I know that I can never be the most special." She muttered before she chuckled. "Would you be pleased to know that you are much better then your elder brother even though he was the one that was popular with women?"
"You know that this is not a compliment." He reminded her. "Tell me, was it that bad in the very end?"
"In the final days of our marriage, your brother didn't even want to sleep with me. His mistress didn't just do him a favour by giving him a child, she also gave him the excuse to not sleep with me." at this, she took his hand and guided it to her stomach. "Maybe you don't need to eat that plant, because I might be barren."
"It is not something that we can risk." He reminded her. "In addition to such a thing resulting in a scandal, I think that it might be better if I do not have child. I do not think it is possible for there to be a second miracle."
"I do not agree with you. I think it is you who caused the miracle to happen. It is not Larsa alone." She said firmly before she changed the subject. "I do not regret my decision, but I have to say that it is very foolish, because it make me wish for such a folly again."
"It is impossible." Saying so, he actually lean over her. "However, we have some time left."
If she was not his sister-in-law, then he was almost like a normal man, as he desired to be sleeping with the one woman that he was able to trust enough to do so.
It was not love, but it was due to an emotion that could have deviated from love. This action made them know that they were very special to the other. Despite their attempt of being guarded, they were willing to take the risk of letting the other be in a position of doing great harm to them.
"If only…" Messallina began, but her words were silenced by the hard kiss from Vayne. Perhaps it was due to his impatience, or perhaps it was because he himself did not wish to think of the what if.
Author's Note: I believe that it is the fact that Messallina nearly died that made Vayne realise how important she actually is to him. Of course, they are not officially together yet. As Vayne said, this would be merely a night of madness. He himself is not very sure of why he wants her, other that he does. However, the thought of how he almost lost her forever made him decide to do this. I think this is a clear sign of their relationship progressing because instead of just being a bit regretful at her not being there, he realised that he would be upset if she died. In addition, he realised that he wants to be special to her.
Initially, Messallina is actually going to be in mourning much longer. She would have continued to wear her thick veil up to her marriage with Vayne. However, I wanted to write the ball scene and I thought that since she is going to spend the rest of her life mourning for Vayne, why not let her wear clothes with colour for a bit longer? Although this is ironic because Messallina herself would have preferred to wear her veil, since it conceals her face. In this chapter she is actually brushing her hair (completely loose) in front of Vayne, and the last chapter mentioned that when she first talked to Vayne, she had her hair loose (unlike how she talked to Al-Cid), this is meant to be symbolic because she is very conscious of her appearance, yet she lets Vayne see her in a slightly unguarded way. I am actually not fully sure whether this is a conscious action by her or not though.
Messallina's relationship with Larsa is not straightforward on her side. As I have said before, this is a young woman who has severe trust issues due to all that has happened to her. She is fond of Larsa, but in her opinion, she would never be able to be really close to Larsa because she could only let Larsa see one side of her, and Larsa would never be able to truly help her. To her, Vayne is the one that could do this, although she is naturally not sure of whether he would wish to do this. Another very important thing is that Vayne was there first. Unfortunately, her relationship with Vayne would then cause a slight friction in her relationship for Larsa. As Messallina said twice in this chapter, even though Vayne would be the most special to her, she would not be the most special person to him. I think it is clear that the most special person to Vayne would be Larsa. She would be a bit jealous of Larsa and to watch Vayne do all this for Larsa…it would have an effect.
The 'if only' Messallina mentions in the end is the possibility of her being married to Vayne. I think that the ending would most likely be the same, because Vayne's action is not caused by her, but by the empire and Larsa. However, I think they would have been much happier, as they would have had some happier time together.
The final bit is in regard to what I mentioned at the end of Chapter Twenty Three. A possible love triangle that is a bit AU. If you are not interested, feel free to stop or jump to the next chapter, it would not have any impact on the story.
Firstly, Messallina would definitely end up being with Vayne. Messallina find Al-Cid a funny person, but she does not love him. She knows that he is not a stupid person, so she would be careful around him. However, she does like talking about trivial issues with him, as she sees him as a fun person to talk to. Vayne is the one that she will love. What I meant is that I could see a semi-AU for the aftermath of the story. I already know what I would do with the ending, but I can see this as a possible alternate ending. I can see Al-Cid asking Messallina to go with him. Or maybe he would come to the town she lives with her son and asks why she left them. I can even see something like her going with him, and Al-Cid one day saying: "Even though you are always laughing with me, I know that you are still happier with the man that made you cry. However, I am never a greedy man so I am happy enough." I know this is a chessy line but I can just see that. However, I am a bit weary of writing love triangles because a badly written one can make the OC a bit Mary Sue, not to mention the danger of reverse Harem. But maybe I can try to do a friendship that is not quite a friendship for Messallina and Al-Cid in the story. I can actually see him giving the others a bit of an insight on Vayne and Messallina.
Finally, a note to my lovely reviewer, you know who you are. On Thursday, I had one of these days where you just feel that everything is going wrong. However, I then saw your review and that just really helped me. To just know someone taking pleasure in reading what I write- that I am doing something that made someone happy, even just a while, made me feel so much better. Also, I love writing so this review made me feel better about my writing skill and it just made me feel so much better overall.