Forever and Always

Cowboys and Nurses

It was April and Severide had moved on, or at least that's what he kept insisting when Shay enquired how he was doing, which was just about every day and often more than once. He had tried throwing himself into his work but the firehouse was still a constant reminder of Casey. Now spring was well on its way he had a couple of boats in the yard for some minor repairs, he tried to keep his time occupied with fixing them during his downtime but it wasn't enough to stop his thoughts from wondering.

He was sitting in his quarters when there was a knock on the door. He lifted a hand to indicate whoever it was to come in, but didn't look up. It was Capp, with a sheepish look on his face. "Hey, Lieutenant…" he began.

"No, you cannot back out," Severide retorted firmly, turning in his chair to face him.

"How did you know..."

So his guess had been right. Severide just sighed. "What's your excuse then?"

"I… I just...Vegas… I can't… it's... I have to help my mom out and..." Capp stumbled over his words but Severide wasn't in the mood to deal with his excuses.

"Right. I'll cross you off then." Severide turned away abruptly, effectively dismissing Capp from the office.

"Why not ask the Truck guys?" Capp ventured.

Severide shot him a look that told him to retreat. Very quickly. So he did, making room for Shay to poke her head in through the office door. "Vegas not happening?" she asked, clearly having heard the conversation that had just taken place.

Severide just leaned back in his chair, thinking. "You know you could come with me, right?"

"You're not seriously gonna go on your own, Kelly? You keep going on about how you're so over Casey but…"

"Hey…" he held his hands up to tell her to stop right there. "Can we just not talk about Casey..." he sighed heavily, rolling his eyes.

"See, that right there tells me you're not over him," she insisted.

"Shay!" Severide bellowed, losing his patience now. "Just give it a rest!"

But she ploughed on. "You're still not curious as to why he left you with absolutely no warning?"

"If you're so curious why don't you go and ask him?!"

"He's…" Shay's tone changed, she spoke softly now, concerned. "He's not answered any of my calls, not replied to any of my messages."

"Don't worry too much," Severide responded, matching her tone.

"Why not?"

"Boden knows he's on his own, and the Chaplain's been checking in on him too," Severide told her.

"How d'you know?"

"I overheard them talking, and I've seen Orlovsky's car by his house a couple of times in the last month or so," he explained.

"You're driving by his house?"

"Yeah..." He nodded. "Just a couple of times a week, you know just to…"

"Check up on him," she finished.

"Yeah." He nodded again. "Of course there was no actual checking up on him but the place seems mostly ok, sometimes the mail is left out but generally the next time I go past it's gone so that's good, right?"

"Yeah, guess so."

"So…" Severide changed the subject. "Vegas?"

"Kelly... I can't go, I can't take the time off," she replied.

"I'm not going until the end of the month, and you only need to take one shift off, c'mon you know you want to." he flashed his best smile.

"Fine," she conceded with a smile and shake of the head, not believing she'd been pulled into his trip. "Las Vegas here we come."

Casey was sitting in his cold lounge on his couch wrapped in a blanket waiting for the repairman to arrive. It was a first for him. He had never had to wait for a repairman in his entire life. Since living on his own from an early age with little spare money he'd always been more than capable of fixing maintenance issues himself, yet here he was sitting on his couch waiting for some guy to come and fix his heating. He had tried to deal with it himself but given up in case he caused more damage. It felt like he'd reached a whole new low but he tried to reason with himself, if the same thing had happened whilst he had been at Severide's place they would most likely have called someone in as well. But that didn't make him feel any better, it only made him think about Severide and he was trying so hard not to do that.

Finally there was a knock at the front door and Casey let the repairman into the house. He showed him where everything was and left him to get on with it whilst he went back to sit on the couch, Pumpkin jumped straight onto his knee. He could tell when the man had sorted the heating out a while later because the house began to warm up beautifully. The weather may be improving with the approaching spring but Casey still felt the winter's chill. He paid the repairman and closed the front door behind him as he left.

It often felt like life was going on around him and he was now just an observer rather than a participant. He regularly wondered what Severide was up to, he pictured him moving on with his life but he also pictured him in the exact same position as himself, stuck, lonely and miserable. Most the time though he was sure Severide was perfectly fine without him, after all he'd been perfectly fine before they'd got together.

His exhaustion was getting to him, the blood transfusions were helping but they were just a temporary solution rather than a cure, the only thing that would tackle his chronic anaemia was a new kidney and he held no hope for a transplant. Still, he battled on and he continued to work although at times he questioned why he still did it, he guessed that some part of him was still worried with what others thought of him so he wasn't going to give it up. The few days a week where he had his dialysis treatments were the highlight of his social calendar, most of the time Shelley was there and she always greeted him with a friendly smile, he did little else nowadays. He did no more physiotherapy, he didn't even use the rehabilitation suite on his own now, he'd purchased some weights to use at home but often found he had little stamina for them, and had no determination to gain his strength back. He'd lost his determination the day he left Severide.

Casey didn't venture outside of his own house any more than he absolutely had to, so why he thought that going to a party over at Evan's place was a great idea he didn't know. Yet there he was in the middle of his crowded lounge, dressed up in a Wild West cowboy costume he had ordered online a few days previously, complete with a Stetson and a sheriff's badge. He felt rather ridiculous and the only way to cure that would be to down some of the alcohol that was freely available, he hoped it would loosen his inhibitions and make him feel less self-conscious. He headed slowly through the crowd to the kitchen and grabbed one of the huge number of bottles standing on the table until he found one he liked. Whiskey. He poured some into a Tumblr and took a swig. It felt good to be drinking even knowing what it could do to his body. He didn't care anymore and took another mouthful of the burning liquid, hoping no one would ask where Severide was, because he wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to keep up the pretence under the influence of alcohol.

As the night wore on the innuendoes his costume inspired became more and more amusing with each shot he downed. Eventually he noticed an attractive dark haired girl approaching him in a revealing Indian Squaw costume with a feather in her headband. "Hey, cowboy," she smiled at him mischievously, placing her palm against his chest.

Casey just grinned happily. His eyes had gotten slightly glazed and his head felt fuzzy with the warmth of the alcohol. "Hey..." he said back to her.

"If you like, I could be your horse and you could ride me all night long." She winked at him

"Oh yeah?" he smiled, leaning down towards her face, which was swimming in front of his eyes now. "Well, I just need another drink darlin'…" he said in a comedic western accent, and he staggered away from temptation back to the kitchen.

He soon found himself in Evan's bathroom throwing up into the toilet, the acidic contents of his stomach burned his throat far worse than the whiskey had. There was no let up and he was breathless with it all. As he gripped the sides of the toilet bowl, he could hear a voice above him, and he looked over with red bleary eyes to see Evan in the doorway. "Matt? I'm gonna call you a cab to get you home. You gonna be ok on your own?"

"Huh?" he retorted, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "I'm fine, I don't need to go home…"

"You don't need to drink anything else either," Evan said firmly, pushing himself further into the room. He reached down and grabbed the bottle of beer that was on the tiled floor beside Casey, shooting a look of disapproval at him. "You're not even supposed to have this."

Casey could scarcely recall how he got home and ended up on his lounge floor, he'd been out cold until he was woken by Pumpkin pawing at his arm. He felt incredibly bloated and had what he reckoned must be the worst hangover from hell that he'd ever experienced in his life. His wristwatch alarm was bleeping to remind him to take his medication, but right at that moment he didn't think he'd even be able to stomach enough water to swallow them with, let alone keep them down. He lay on the floor for some time before ever so slowly sitting up. He sat for a while before deciding it was safe to stand. It wasn't safe to stand. He rushed, as much as he could rush nowadays, to the bathroom but he didn't make it. He threw up in the doorway then rested his head on the frame, he was knelt down, breathing heavily whilst Pumpkin purred and walked around the arm he was using to prop himself up with.

"You have food…" he muttered down at her, Orlovsky had come by a few weeks ago with an automatic cat feed dispenser, he only had to refill it once every few days. "If there weren't two of you I'd give you some attention." He frowned, blinking but no matter what he did he couldn't clear his vision, the only remedy for that was sleep.

Casey soon realised that he needed to set off to the hospital for his dialysis. He still felt terrible after the alcohol but he smiled because he knew that the procedure would rid him of his hangover. He groped the doorframe as he got to his feet. His residual limb felt sore, probably from spending a lot more time than usual wearing his prosthetic. He waited a moment for the dizziness to fade, then he took his pills hurriedly and grabbed his car keys, only realising he was still dressed in the cowboy costume. He just removed some of the gear until just the jeans and checked shirt and boots remained. As he headed for the front door a doubt crept into his mind, he was in no condition to drive so he stopped, threw his car keys back onto the side and pulled out his phone to call a cab.

Casey arrived at the dialysis unit with a few minutes to spare before his appointment. He greeted the clerk who grinned cheekily at him, eyeing his chest. "Morning, Sheriff," she began in an exaggerated western saloon girl accent, batting her eyelids, making him frown quizzically. She indicated at her own chest with one hand and he peered down at himself.

"Damn..." he muttered under his breath, but he was hardly able to stifle a grin. "Don't ask."

It was early on a Tuesday morning and Shay was standing at Casey's front door. She'd waited for some time before it was finally opened and she was greeted with Casey standing there, wearing joggers and a hoody, propped up on his crutches. "What are you doing here?" he said without hiding his surprise.

"Nice to see you too, Matt." Shay gave a wry smile.

"Erm… is everything all right?"

"Is everything all right?" she repeated incredulously, causing Casey's brows to knit together.

"I'm sorry, what do you want me to say?"

"The truth," she suggested airily. "And you could let me inside too."

"Erm… sure…" He stepped back from the door.

"You look like crap," she told him as she passed through and went into the lounge, eyeing up the medication piled up on the table, studying the contents for a few moments whilst Casey closed the door and slowly made his way to her. She took a look around the place. "Your house doesn't look as bad as I thought it would," she observed.

Casey pulled a face, shrugging. "Sorry, what are you doing here?" he asked, trying not to sound rude but he really didn't want any company.

"I can't check in on you after you've ignored my messages and phone calls?"

"Didn't think you'd want to," he replied honestly.

"Why d'you think I did call and message you?"

"Obligation," Casey said quietly, moving on his crutches towards the couch. He couldn't stand up much longer.

"Kelly is my best friend," Shay went on. "I love you both but he is my best friend, Matt."

"I know." He nodded.

"I'm not here to… to make you feel guilty but I'd like an explanation. Kelly would as well. You know he respected your decision to leave him because he loved you. He still loves you. That's been the only thing stopping him from doing this. It's been stopping me up to now, but you owe us an explanation, enough is enough, what the hell's going on with you?"

"Nothing, not really," he said with a small shrug.

"Matt, tell me," Shay urged him, keeping her voice gentle, fearful that he might shut down on her.

There was silence between them for some time. "I'm…" he let out a long breath, he never imagined having this conversation with anyone. "I've gone into heart failure."

"What?" She couldn't believe what he was saying. After letting his words sink in for a few moments, she spoke again. "Since when?"

"Since late last year. They found out 'cause they were monitoring me after I went into cardiac arrest, kinda lucky really, probably wouldn't have found out for another few months if the sac around my heart hadn't filled with fluid… if you can call that lucky." He almost laughed. "It's not exactly life threatening at the moment but it will be eventually. I don't want to die on him. I don't to cause him that pain. I can't ever tell him..."

"You… you absolute idiot, Matt! You… you idiot!" Shay was nearly shouting at him in frustration.

He just stared up at her in silence. He didn't know what to say, didn't know what he could say, he wanted to apologise but he knew it wouldn't really help at this point, so he just sat there as Shay paced his lounge with an odd expression on her face, he couldn't make out what she was feeling, what her thoughts were, so he sat on the couch like a schoolboy who'd just been told off.

"Are you ok? How are you doing?" she asked, suddenly standing still and facing him. "Physically? Mentally… well, I'm not even going to go there because… why did you think he… I don't even know what to say. You broke his heart."

"I know," he began softly, not looking her in the eye. "I just thought… I thought it was better to do that than… than telling him I… I thought it was better for him to hate me than to love me and… and lose me. I thought breaking his heart now would be better than dying on him."

"See? You're an idiot," Shay replied quietly as she sat down next to him. "Because you've just made yourself miserable in the process."

"It doesn't matter if I'm miserable, it doesn't matter how I feel," he spoke. "You can't tell him."

"No, I can't." She shook her head. "You have to."

Shelley was sitting at the nurse's station by the dialysis unit in the nephrology department. She was glancing at her watch every few moments and twiddling with a pen, clearly distracted. Her colleague at the desk turned to her. "If you're so worried then call him again."

"He didn't pick up two minutes ago, why would he pick up now…" She frowned. "Maybe I should send an ambulance?"

"Because the guy's twenty minutes late?"

"He's never late. He was hungover a few weeks ago and wasn't late. He's never late. What if something's happened?" She sighed. "The only other contact number we have is Kelly's… he won't want me to call him unless I absolutely have to… is this a situation where I can call him?" She was debating with herself what to do. After a few seconds she stood up. "I'm taking my lunch break."

"You're going over to his house, aren't you?"

"Maybe," she said as she picked up her jacket and purse. Within thirty minutes she was standing outside Casey's house. She'd knocked a good few times and was growing impatient now, she assumed he was at home as a truck was parked right outside with a faded logo for Casey Construction on the side. "Matt?" she called out. "Matt, it's Shelley from the hospital. If you don't answer the door in the next few minutes I'm calling the cops to break it open for me… Matt?" She heard no movement from inside the house. "Matt I'm not joking… damnit…" She pulled out her phone and was about to dial emergency services when the door opened.

Casey stood in front of her with a perplexed expression on his face. "Hi?"

"Oh thank God…" She let out a breath of relief at his appearance. "Are you ok?"

"Erm... yeah, was sleeping, what are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?" she repeated. "You were supposed to be at the hospital an hour ago."

"Oh, I… erm… must have forgot…"

"You forgot? Matt, you never forget, are you ill?" she asked, concerned.

"Was just sleeping, don't know what happened, just didn't… didn't think… I don't know. Sorry… why did you come all the way here?"

"Because I kept picturing you unconscious and alone in your house, you've never missed an appointment," she replied.

"I'm sorry," he repeated.

"It's fine, you gonna let me in?"

"Huh?"

"I'm not standing out here whilst I wait for you to get ready, I assume you don't wanna leave the house in your pyjamas," she pointed out, casting a quick glance at his outfit.

"What?"

"I'm taking you to the hospital, you can get a cab back or wait until I finish my shift," she told him.

"What are you talking about?"

"You need dialysis," she said, a frown crossed her face, the reason she was there was obvious to her. "I've not come all this way just to go back empty handed."

"You don't need to…"

"No, I don't need to, but I am." And with that she went into the house. She looked around the place a little and saw the mess, it had been a couple of weeks since Shay's visit and more than a month had passed since Casey had last let Orlovsky inside, he'd been ignoring the man's phone calls again. There were empty medication containers on the table, dirty dishes, and leftover food all over. There were books, blankets and clothes scattered about the place. She stood in the lounge area whilst Casey excused himself and went to his bedroom to get ready. As Shelley waited for him a small ginger cat made its way towards her, curious who the stranger in her home was. She stood eyeing the interloper for a few moments before she decided to approach her further. Shelley bent down to greet her, stroking her softly, earning a purr of affection.

After a while Casey exited his room, he was now dressed and wearing his prosthetic, Shelley noted how he was still using his crutches though but she said nothing on the matter. "Sorry about the mess," Casey muttered as he glanced around the lounge. "It's not usually so… ok, that's a lie, it is usually a mess but not quite such a mess…"

They were soon sat in her car on their way to the hospital. "Matt," she began cautiously. "Have you thought about getting some help at home?"

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"I think you know what I mean," she responded. "I think if someone came over, even if it was just once a week, to give you a hand and…"

"And check up on me?" He shook his head. "I don't need that."

"You forgot you needed to be at the hospital today and your house…"

"You're blowing today out of proportion," he interrupted her. "I work, I get my groceries delivered, I go to every single hospital and doctors appointment even if I think some of them are pointless."

"And I think you're lonely," she continued undeterred.

"I have a cat," he replied. "And I see people at work all the time, and I go out... sometimes. I don't need some carer coming over and sorting stuff that I can do for myself."

"Matt it's not just about that, what if something happened to you, no one would know…"

"Until I missed an appointment like today? Well, someone checking up on me once a week won't exactly make a difference then, will it?" he spoke harshly although it wasn't intended. "Look, if something happens it's not on your head so I don't why you care so much."

"It was just a suggestion, I'm sorry I've upset you," she said softly.

"No..." He shook his head, sighing. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I can be a complete jerk, an idiot even. Thank you for all of this today."

TBC