Author's Note: Thanks again to EKSmith and miaokuancha for pre-reading. Stephenie Meyer owns all characters.

Jumping ahead a little bit here.

Chapter 25: October

I've been home for nearly four weeks now and have settled into my "new" old life. Each morning I wake up, get the kids up and dressed, make breakfast for them and walk them to the bus stop. Having this time with them without having to rush off somewhere is nice — nicer than I thought it would be.

Both of my sons are very clingy with me, not wanting me to leave them at the bus stop, afraid that I will leave home again. It kills me to know that I did this to them. I never let a night go by that I don't kiss them goodnight and reassure them that I love them. I pray that one day they'll trust me again.

After the kids are off to school, I shower then start on my to-do list for each day — Monday is grocery shopping for the week, Tuesday and Friday are laundry days, Wednesday is for miscellaneous errands… and Thursdays are just for me. I sit and read, listen to music, go to the gym, go to the spa, shop… whatever I want to do.

Now that I have time to myself during the week, weekends are all about the kids. Sometimes Mike is with us, sometimes not. I feel like I've bonded with them more now than I ever had before, since I don't feel so harried and rushed.

I am busy, but it's a manageable busy. I can't allow myself to be not busy, because my mind has a tendency to wander to over 2,000 miles away from here… and to Edward. How is he doing? Does he hate me? Please, please don't let him have gone back to the grouchy asshole he was before he and I connected. I can't have that on my conscience, too — along with breaking his heart.

Things with Mike are… ok. The first Sunday after I got home, Mike's mom took the kids to a matinee so Mike and I could talk with no fear of being overheard. After a lot of raised voices and tears from both sides, we really did talk. I felt like a huge piece of shit listening to what my family went through in my absence. Meanwhile, Mike was shocked to learn just how unhappy I was before.

I think I finally got through to Mike, and he seems to be really trying to do better. Instead of hitting the local golf courses every weekend, he has limited himself to every other weekend, at least until it got a bit too chilly to play golf as we moved into October. He's also been helping the boys take their baths some nights, looking over Nessie's homework… Before, it seemed like most of the parenting fell on my shoulders, but it's split more equally now, as Mike has kept up some of the duties he took over when I was gone.

While I can see the appeal of being a stay-at-home mom, my brain needs to be intellectually challenged. And so, I have decided to start my own actuarial consulting business. I have tons of knowledge and experience from working at a large insurance company that could be very helpful to smaller companies. Next week is the Society of Actuaries' Annual Meeting, and it's being held at a hotel in downtown Chicago this year. I'll be going to the three-day meeting and trying to network, drum up business.

With that in mind, I ordered new business cards and picked them up at the printer's today. I'm ready to take a leap and start working again. I'm looking forward to the challenge of building up a client base and a reputation.

Well, a better reputation. I wonder sometimes how the publicity over my disappearance will affect my ability to be taken seriously as a consultant.

Apparently the story had initially been big news in Chicago. The police had investigated for a few days before determining that there was no foul play, then did very little to find me. Once I'd been gone for six months, Mike and my parents went to the media, getting the story back in all of the local papers, in both Chicago and Phoenix, hoping someone had seen me.

When the newspaper articles got no response, Mike talked to one of the lawyers at his firm who had defended the local NBC affiliate in a discrimination lawsuit. He was able to use his "in" to convince Dateline to cover my disappearance in the hopes that someone, somewhere, would see the show and recognize me.

I can't help wondering how things would be different if no one in Forks had ever seen that show.

By the time I finish all of my errands, it's five o'clock. I arrive home, pay the teenage babysitter from down the street, and start to make dinner. Nessie made an A on a big spelling test yesterday, so I promised her that she could choose what we have for dinner. She's chosen lasagna, so I set a pot of water on the stove to boil and begin browning the ground beef for the homemade sauce — the kids won't let me get away with making vegetarian meals any more than Edward did.

About 45 minutes later, I am just putting the lasagna into the oven when the landline phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Bella," Alice calls so loudly that I need to pull the phone away from my ear.

"Hey, Alice," I chuckle.

"Is this ok? Is it a good time? I know it's been like a month since you left and I haven't called… I just didn't want to intrude… "

"I understand, and it's fine, Alice. I just put dinner in the oven, so I have some time to talk."

"Great," Alice says. I can hear the smile in her voice. "So… how are you? I mean, are things… better for you than before you came to Forks?"

I sit down at the kitchen table and really think about her question. Are things better, besides the obvious?

"Yeah, Alice, things are better. Of course, I haven't been working…"

Alice gasps. "Were you fired?"

"Well, no, actually," I reply. "In fact, the HR rep was very understanding of my mental state once I explained everything. They offered to work with me, find me another position with less responsibility. But I said no. I'm planning to start my own business, a consulting firm. Lots of unemployed actuaries do that," I chuckle.

"And that'll be better for you?"

"Definitely… I've been working on setting up an office in my unused 'craft room' in the basement. Just this afternoon, I picked up some business cards that I'd had printed."

"Wow, look at you! Seems like you've got this all figured out."

"We'll see," I reply. "I think it'll be great to choose exactly how much work I can handle at any given time. With the boys in school all day now, I'll be here when all the kids get home."

"Is Mike's mom still living with you?"

"No, she left about a week after I got home. Mike's parents are selling their house in Indianapolis to move to Chicago now that his dad sold his business and retired, so she's been busy getting their house ready for sale. She'll be here next week though, while I'm busy with an insurance industry meeting."

"So… can I ask how things are with you and Mike?" Alice asks tentatively.

"They're… ok, I guess. Mike has always been very even-tempered, so he wasn't really too angry with me for leaving. Disappointed, definitely. He's trying to be a better husband, though."

"That's great, Bella," Alice replies. "But are you happy?"

Alice's question stops me short. Am I happy? I'm not unhappy, exactly, but I can't say that I'm excited to get out of bed each morning, wondering what the day will bring. Not like those last few weeks in Forks…

"Bella, are you still there?"

"Um, yeah, sorry about that… I was just thinking how to answer your question. I'm not unhappy, Alice; let's just leave it at that, ok?"

"Sure, Bella," Alice says gently. "Oh hey, I almost forgot — someone moved into your room last week."

"Oh yeah, who's that?" I ask curiously.

"A local guy in his early 40's, a logger — his wife kicked him out."

"Ouch," I laugh, secretly glad that it's not a young, beautiful single woman.

"So," I pry, "How is Edward?"

"Edward is… quiet. He's heartbroken, Bella. I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you by telling you that, but it's true. He misses you. He really loved you."

A tear slips down my cheek. "I miss him, too. I just pray that he isn't turning back into the asshole I met seven months ago."

"No, I wouldn't go that far. He's just distant. I've tried to let him be, not push him too much. But I've also let him know that I'm there if he wants to talk. Of course he's a man, so he doesn't," Alice laughs. I can almost picture her rolling her eyes.

"Listen, Bella," she continues, "I just want to apologize for my part in this mess. I—"

"Your part?" I interrupt, shocked. I'm the one who had an affair.

"Yes, my part," Alice says emphatically. "You told me you weren't interested in a relationship and still I pushed you and Edward together at every opportunity. I was just so sure that you belonged together… I could feel it."

I could feel it, too, I think to myself, remembering the first night we made love and how it felt like I was finally home. The sound of the garage door opening snaps me back to the present.

"Hey listen, Alice, Mike just got home, so I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, all right?"

"Sure, we definitely shouldn't wait so long to talk again. I miss you, Bella," Alice sighs.

"I miss you too. Talk soon."

I am still holding the phone in my hand when Mike walks through the door.

"Mmm, something smells good."

"Um, it's just lasagna," I shrug.

"Still, my mom's a great cook, but I'm glad to be eating your cooking again," Mike says as he hugs me awkwardly. "Did you have a good day? Who were you talking to?"

At Mike's question, I realize I am still holding on to the phone. "Oh, um, just my mom. She called to wish me luck at the industry meeting next week." I lie so easily now, but I'm just not sure how Mike would react to finding out I'm still in contact with friends from Forks.

"I picked up my new business cards today," I continue. "So I'm all set now to really get started next week, trying to find clients."

"Are you sure this is really what you want to do? Remember, the woman from HR said they'd find you another position."

"I'm sure… working from home is the best thing for me right now while the kids are so young. Maybe in a few years, I can get back to the corporate life."

"Ok. I just want you to be happy, Bella."

After dinner, we sit down to play a board game as a family — can't remember the last time we did that. Later, Mike puts the boys to bed, and I help Nessie with a project for school and then send her up to bed as well. After tucking her in, I almost run into Mike in the hallway on my way out of Ness's room.

"Bella, I — I wanted to talk to you," Mike begins nervously.

"Um, sure, I'll be there in a minute."

As Mike walks off into the master bedroom, I stand in the hallway, steeling myself for a fight. Since that first night I arrived home, I've continued sleeping in the guest room, but Mike seems to be getting a little antsy about resuming this part of our relationship.

I take a deep breath and walk into the bedroom, closing the door behind me.

"What's up?" I ask, leaning against the door with my hands clasped tightly behind my back.

"Come over and sit down," Mike suggests, pointing toward the second chair in the small seating area.

I push off the door and stride across the room, sitting down carefully. Mike leans over and takes my hand in his.

"Are you happy, Bella?"

"God, why does everyone keep asking me that?" I exclaim, ripping my hand away.

"What?" Mike asks, shocked at my outburst.

"Um… sorry, just, um… my mom, earlier today, asked me the same thing," I lie.

"Bella, it's no secret that I'd like you to move back into our bedroom. Why don't you feel comfortable with this?" Mike pleads.

"I just… I know I hurt you by leaving, and—"

"Bella, I understand that you weren't in a good place mentally when you left. I've forgiven you. But I miss you."

"I'm sorry I can't explain it very well. I'm just… not ready, Mike. I'm sorry."

I turn my face towards his, willing him to believe me. I've thought about telling Mike about Edward, but in the end, I decided that it would only hurt him more. He doesn't deserve that.

"Nothing has to happen, Bella. We don't have to have sex, just let me fall asleep next to my wife again," Mike cries.

"I… not yet. I'm sorry," I whisper.

I can't let Mike see the way I cry myself to sleep most nights. Can't let him see the way I wrap my arms around myself, wishing they were Edward's arms. When I forget the feel of Edward's lips on my skin, then maybe I can be with Mike again.

"You never answered my question before — are you happy, Bella?" Mike asks, sounding frustrated now.

I give him the same answer I gave Alice: "I'm not unhappy," I say with a shrug and a small smile.

I stand up then head over to the dresser and pull out some clothes for bed, heading into the bathroom to get ready. After I wash my face and brush my teeth, I go back out into the bedroom. Mike is still sitting in the chair with his head in his hands. His posture reminds me of Edward's when I got home from work the day he found out my true identity. I have to look away before the tears start to fall.

"Goodnight, Mike," I call over my shoulder as I twist the doorknob.

"I love you, Bella," Mike says, barely audible.

I nod, then close the door behind me.

I pad down the hallway to "my" room, alone at last. The tears start before I even turn out the light. Why does this have to be so hard? Edward and I were only really together for seven weeks… so why does it feel like a lifetime?

A/N: Let me know your thoughts!