Verse Seven: Ai (Chuu Seishin)
--Love (Loyalty)--
"What should I believe in?
Anything is fine.
But this heart is overwhelming,
And pure emotion is so painful..."
--Okui Masami; "Shu -AKA -"—
The problem, really, is that Hikaru feels very strongly for Tasuki. While it is not always so difficult to fall in love with someone, it can be surprisingly tough for someone to fall out of love with that person. The problem, then, is Tasuki himself.
"Well, what d'you expect me t'do about that?" Koji queried. Almost another full week had passed since his fateful night with Hikaru, and the bandit co-leader was once again up and about in the nocturnal hours, deep in discussion with Doro as he headed towards his watch spot on the western side of the stronghold. "If th' problem is a person, than how th' hell're you supposed t'handle th' problem?"
There are ways…"An' what th' hell does that mean? I s'pose ya want me t'start a coup or somethin' against Genrou?" Koji snorted. "I ain't that twisted, no matter what Shuu-san seems t'think. An' I sure as hell wouldn't betray someone who hadn't done anythin' wrong, no matter who they were."
Of course not, Doro agreed soothingly. I never meant to suggest such a thing. I was merely… thinking out loud.
"Yeah, fine," the co-leader grumbled, pushing open the doors to the stronghold and shivering a little as a blast of chill winter wind hit him full in the face. He pulled his long burgundy cloak tighter around his shoulders, hurrying around the side of the building and towards his post. No doubt Shuu was already there, and no doubt she'd yell at him for being late. The two hadn't spoken much over the past week, but when they did it always seemed to be in tense, unfriendly tones. Not that that was anything different from the usual—
You'd make a fine Reikaku leader, don't you think?Koji pulled to a halt, wide-eyed surprise etched across his face. Surprise, and perhaps guilt as well, for the thought had crossed his mind hundreds of times, and he had swept it away each time. But he couldn't keep it from coming back; he couldn't keep a tiny part of him from agreeing with Doro's statement. "Th-that's beside the point!"
If you say so…"I ain't doin' nothin' t'Genrou, okay! He can't help that Hikaru-san fell in love with him. That ain't his fault." Koji shook his head, pulling his jacket even closer around his shoulders as if it could keep away his treacherous thoughts as well as the chill breeze. "It ain't his fault."
Doro fell silent, and the co-leader made his way across the rocky Reikaku terrain in silence, pausing to catch his breath only once during the short trek. The wound in his side still caused him grief, no doubt because he refused to rest and let it heal properly, but Koji continued to ignore it and Hikaru's repeated warnings. There was just too much to do. It would heal with time. And anyway, it didn't bother him all that much anymore. "Except when I gotta move fast, or sit down… or breathe…" He sighed, massaging the bandages on his side. Hikaru had said if he wasn't careful he might gain a permanent limp from the deep injury, and he was almost ready to believe her. "Maybe I have been goin' too hard. I ain't a kid anymore, after all."
"Huh, that's the first thing I've heard out of your mouth that makes sense."
Koji glanced down, surprised to find himself staring into Shuu's impatient face. She was seated on the ground, leaning back against the wall of the Reikaku stronghold. He had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't even realized he'd made it to his post. "Oh. Shuu-san. Kon-wa (Evening). Didn't see ya sittin' there."
"Obviously." She heaved a sigh, running a hand through her messy raven-blue hair and flashing him an exasperated look. "You're late again, never mind that you shouldn't even be out here. If you're still having trouble getting from your room to your post than you might as well not even come. A cripple like you wouldn't be much help if there was an attack."
He sweatdropped. "I really appreciate yer concern, y'know that Shuu-san?"
"Anytime," Asatenshi assured him with a shrug. "After all, someone has to make sure you stop thinking you're some kind of hero just because you're too stupid to take care of yourself." She paused, then, on a surprisingly kind note, added, "And you're not helping anyone if you don't get some sleep once in a while."
"Who says I ain't gettin' any sleep?"
"No one has to say it, moron, because anyone with eyes can tell." She waved a hand at him, leaning back against the stronghold's outer wall and rattling off a list of ailments that sounded almost rehearsed. "Paleness to the skin, ovals under the eyes, occasional shakiness, especially in the hands – you know, basically looking like hell. I'm not the healer my sister is, but we did go to the same classes as children, and I'd say you're living on about four hours of sleep a night, at best." Her voice took on a sudden harsh note. "You can't possibly spend that much time brooding over Hikaru, can you?"
Koji frowned, but withheld the comments that he really wanted to make. "I'm not much of a brooder."
"You'd be even less of one if you just gave it up," she shot back, closing her eyes and putting her hands behind her head. "You don't have a chance, anyway."
The bandit's fists balled up at his sides, but he kept his temper. They still had two long hours ahead of them, and Koji wasn't in the mood for one of their infamous arguments. "That's yer opinion. Mine happens t'be a little more-"
"Delusional? Ridiculous? Which adjective would you prefer, co-leader?"
Co-leader…Doro echoed pityingly. Such a weak title for such a strong person."Give it a rest," he growled at the both of them. "I'm gettin' sick of this same damn conversation. You act like Hikaru-san's th' only thing I ever think about, as if there wasn't a gang I had t'lead."
Shuu cocked an eyebrow, her reply dripping with sarcasm. "Oh, so you're the one leading them now, hm? Funny; all this time I thought it was the seishi who bore that title."
Yes, Tasuki is the leader… and Hikaru feels an affinity towards leaders…The bandit leaned back against the building, turning his face away from Shuu's so she wouldn't see the scowl on his features. He didn't want to give her that pleasure. "Let's jus' get this watch over with – in silence, if ya don't mind?"
"I forgot that irritability was one of the signs of sleep deprivation, too," Shuu grumbled, giving a huff of annoyance and looking away. "Stupid bandit."
"Nosey woman," he shot right back.
A heavy silence reigned in the small clearing for several long minutes, but neither Asatenshi nor co-leader seemed willing to break the tension that hovered between them. Both were lost deep in their own thoughts, turning over their separate ideas and making arrangements for their future plans. And if the quiet bothered them, neither wanted to show it. Besides, they were used to these temporary spats, and both knew that in ten minutes or so they'd push past it and move on with the evening. It was almost a ritual, by now.
Not surprisingly, Doro broke the quiet. I wonder what Shuu thinks about you and Tasuki and this whole leadership business, he remarked innocently, as if it were just a simple, passing thought. She's an interesting woman, after all, and her opinion might reflect the opinions of others…
That was ridiculous. Koji wasn't going to overthrow his friend, so there was no reason to ask Shuu about it. That would only raise suspicion, and that was the last thing he wanted.
It would only be out of curiosity. You might discover that people actually want you as the leader.
If that were the case, Hakurou would have chosen him over the seishi bandit, Koji argued inwardly. But Hakurou made the right choice. Hakurou always made the right choice. He had to be certain of that one thing, because if that was a lie than almost everything he had ever believed – everything he had ever striven to become – would be a waste. So, there was no reason to ask a question that already had a perfectly good answer. Tasuki was the leader because he was the best man for the job. Period.
And you're happy with that logic, are you?"Na, Shuu-san…" Koji said hesitantly, almost afraid to ask his next question. Asking something like this felt like a form of betrayal – to Hakurou and Tasuki – and he almost cut off right there and told her to forget about it. But Doro sat in the back of his mind, his voice a smooth, hypnotic purr that made everything sound so right, so perfect, so absolutely harmless. There was nothing wrong with just asking a simple question, right? It wasn't like he was going to do anything with the answer. He was just curious. And if Hakurou was wrong, well, so what? No one was perfect. Maybe he would have made a better leader. Maybe Doro wasn't the only person who believed that.
Maybe he believed it, too.
"Na, Shuu-san," he said again, more confidently this time. "What d'you think of Tasuki?"
"He's an idiot," was the almost immediate answer.
"That ain't what I meant! I mean, how d'you think of him as the Reikaku leader?"
"He's an idiot," she said again, not skipping a beat.
Koji could have torn out his hair; sometimes he forgot that Shuu could be so elusive. "No, that ain't what I mean either! I mean, er…" he paused, wondering how in the world he could explain this. "It's, y'know, how d'you think of him an' I leadin' the stronghold? Like, the way we do things? D'you think… I dunno, d'you think it's the best way?"
The Asatenshi sister was quiet for a moment. Perhaps she didn't want to answer his question. Or perhaps she just didn't know exactly how to answer it. Whatever the case, after a long, healthy pause, she opened her mouth and said: "It's the same as almost every other political system I've ever seen. At the head is the smiling face with the comforting words and the aura of strength. Just behind them is the person who does all the actual work. Both are respected, but only one carries the title of 'leader,' so only one is looked to when something goes wrong. But the one who is looked to, in turn, looks to the person behind them, who then figures out a solution and lets the leader take the credit." She yawned, stretching her arms above her head as if to show Koji how bored this conversation and his presence made her feel. "Reikaku's operation is painfully typical, that's all."
And there isn't much justice in it now, is there?"…So does that mean you think I'd make a better leader than Genrou?"
Shuu barked out a harsh laugh, gesturing towards a nearby stone. "That rock would make a better leader than your little friend. Anyone who worries so much about themselves, who's too self-centered to notice when…" she paused for a moment, then switched her line of talk and instead said, "Anyway, he isn't fit to rule a pile of dirt, much less a stronghold of bandits. Yeah, I think you'd make a better leader, but so would every other bandit on this mountain." The young woman glared at him, as if the question finally struck her as unusual. "Why do you care? Thinking of pulling a Reikaku takeover?"
"No," he objected a bit too quickly. "I was jus' curious, s'all."
"You don't really think something that crazy is going to win over my sister, do you?"
"I told ya I ain't gonna do somethin' like that!" Koji insisted, immediately placing himself on the defensive. Because he didn't intend to overthrow Tasuki, and he desperately didn't want anyone to think he would even consider such a thing. Because he wouldn't!
Because he already had…?
And Shuu had no right to trespass on his private life anyway. After all, she was the one always telling him to "stay out of her business." That's right – Shuu was always like that, always such a hypocrite. Koji didn't know if he or Doro remarked on this – each day it became harder and harder to know which were original thoughts and which were suggested by his strange companion – but the realization struck him hard and ignited a spark inside of him. Suddenly, he didn't want to be anywhere near Shuu. Suddenly, he wanted to put her on the end of his wrath, instead of the other way around. "An' who said this had t'do with tryin' t'win over yer sister?"
Asatenshi's eyebrows rose at the sudden snap in his voice, but she kept her own tone calm and deadpan, as usual. "Stubborn bandit." She stood, cracking her neck and putting her hands behind her head. "Well, I guess you can do whatever the hell you want, but chasing stardust seems like a pretty pointless hobby."
Chasing stardust… because you can never reach that sky… is that what she thinks?
Koji's temper flared at her words and Doro's jab. He'd show her. He'd show all of them he wasn't some lackey meant to crawl around in the dirt all his life! He'd prove to himself and Shuu and Hikaru and everyone that he could reach that sky; that he was meant for that sky! Because he was meant for it! He had to be! He had to be…
"Well, not that you care, but I still think you should just give it up."
Needles of ice filled the bandit's voice. "And I still think you're a frigid cunt who should keep her fucking nose out of my fucking business."
The words tore their way out of Koji's throat before he could stop them, but once they were out he knew he had no intention of taking them back. They were justified after all, weren't they? Of course, he thought Doro whispered in his ear, though perhaps it was his own frantic mind. Shuu always snapped at him, called him an idiot, even hit him when he didn't deserve it. She'd had it coming. She had!
Asatenshi pulled back, and for a brief moment her eyes showed real surprise, and something that almost looked like hurt, and for that same instant Koji felt sudden, overwhelming remorse for his actions. But then the sadness vanished, replaced by a powerful rage. Shuu brought her left hand up and backhanded him across the face, sending a burst of magic into the strike and causing the bandit's entire body to jerk with the sudden energy. The slap seemed to knock all the sympathy from him, and when he looked up again it was with a face filled with rebellion.
"Do it again," he challenged, mouth tight, hands actually aching for violence. Just once he wanted to dish out what he'd always taken without complaint. Just once he wanted to unleash all his frustrations, and he wanted to unleash them straight onto the infuriating young woman. Just once he wanted her to tease him, aggravate him, call him an idiot and tell him he sickened her. Just once he wanted her to hit him again, so he would have an excuse to hit her back. "Go ahead, Shuu-san. Do it again. See what happens."
A short, almost maddening silence, then:
"I hate you."
Asatenshi growled it suddenly, her head bowed as she gazed up at him through her long black bangs. Those eyes looked like twin emerald flames, burning brilliantly with pure disgust… but there was something else, too, even though Koji couldn't exactly place it. And it was that "something else" that made her words sting. She jerked her head up again, her voice a near shriek as she slammed a fist into the wall of the stronghold. "I hate you for everything you've ever done, to me, to Nee-san… and to him!" Koji blinked at her harsh words, wondering whom she was talking about and why it seemed like she wasn't speaking to him at all, but to someone right behind him…
Her eyes refocused, and now the fiery beacons were aimed directly at the Reikaku co-leader. "And if you want me to shut up so badly, then I'll just leave. You can guard the stronghold by your own damn self – you already seem to think you can do it anyway." She turned to go, her body still crackling with pent-up anger and magic, but she stopped at the last moment. She jerked her head back in his direction, barking out a harsh, humorless laugh. "You're a complete fool, you know that? Willing to gamble everything just because you're so damned jealous of your stupid little friend. And you really had no idea you felt that way, did you? You've never known about it, and now when it finally makes itself so obvious you won't even acknowledge the fact! No wonder it was so easy…"
She trailed off again, jerking a hand across her face and letting it rest on her chest. Still glaring daggers at the bandit, Shuu disappeared in a flash of emerald magic; presumably back to her room, and as far away from the Reikaku co-leader as possible.
Koji stood there in silence for almost a full minute, simultaneously seething at and pondering over her string of remarks. "…Jealous?" he finally asked the quiet night air. "What th' hell is she talkin' about? I ain't jealous-a Genrou…"
Of course you aren't.
"I mean, why would I be jealous-a my best friend? An' Genrou, of all people! That's jus' ridiculous…"
Absolutely ridiculous.
"I mean, I ain't got nothin' t'be jealous of! All Genrou's got is some good luck, really – I mean, even Shuu-san said she thought I'd make a better leader'n he would."
You can't be jealous of someone you're already above.
"Right."
Right.
…Right?
---
It became something of a game, really. Each day Tasuki would wake up, go to breakfast, and move into a side room to talk about battle plans with Koji. Then he and Koji would disperse, usually until dinner – they rarely spoke outside of business anymore, though neither paid much attention to the widening rift – and Tasuki would move about the stronghold, seeing how long it took him before that familiar tug came at his chest. Two hours. Four hours. One time, he managed to hold out for almost a full day. But then, in the end, the pull came, the pain returned, the worries and fears that he shoved away each night boiled back to the surface. And in the end, like a deprived addict, he sought out that which healed, that which allowed an escape.
In the end, he always sought out Hikaru.
She sat on the floor of his room on that particular day, tending to Chichiri. Once she finished with that, she would play nurse to the injured bandits, eat a small dinner, spend a short time speaking privately with Shuu, then head to bed in preparation for her nightly watch with Genji. Tasuki knew her schedule almost as well as he knew his own, so he had no trouble finding her that morning.
"Oi… Hikaru?"
She glanced up, smiling her familiar, warm smile. "Ah, hello Tasuki. Sorry for intruding, but I'll be finished with Chichiri in a moment."
She always said that. Just like he always said, "Nah, ya don't gotta go if ya don't wanna," as if he didn't really care either way. The game was rehearsed, but somehow comforting. "I guess I wouldn't mind if ya stuck around fer a while…"
Hikaru's smile widened. Each day she seemed genuinely surprised and overjoyed that he, in his own roundabout way, wanted her around. She settled herself more comfortably on the bed, setting aside Chichiri's meager breakfast and turning her attention towards the bandit. Tasuki took a seat next to her. His eyes trailed to the pale seishi on the floor, his chest still rising in those slow, even motions. Nothing had changed in the past month, the bandit thought with a sigh. Despite all their efforts, nothing had changed.
But no, that was wrong too. If there had been no change, then there could still be hope. If Chichiri was no better, but no worse, then they could keep grasping at their hopes. But the monk was growing thinner, weaker, paler; each day, he was drawing closer and closer to an inevitable death. Each day, he drew further away from Tasuki. Each day, Tasuki became more and more alone. Each day, he clung even tighter to Hikaru.
"I believe he's getting better," the young woman said quietly, interrupting his thoughts. She said that a lot these days. Tasuki couldn't decide if she said it for his benefit or her own. "It's slow… painfully slow… but deep down I think he wants to come home. If he can just break free from whatever binds him to that place—"
"Maybe…" the seishi bandit interrupted, "maybe it isn't…"
No.
He trailed off, unable and unwilling to finish his sentence. He kept his eyes on Chichiri's peaceful face, but he felt Hikaru watching him. He could feel her presence brushing at the tip of his mind, her entire body emanating a strange blend of comfort and curiosity. She pulled at him, tugged him towards his darkness, towards the bitterness and emptiness and questions and fears and doubts that he thought he'd buried so long ago. She pushed him straight into that dark pit with almost no hesitation, with almost no sympathy. But always, always she held her hand out to him before he jumped into that void.
"Maybe it isn't what, Tasuki?"
He grabbed it and plunged.
"Maybe it isn't right fer us t'be tryin' t'bring him back," the bandit said quietly, more as a timid suggestion than an actual remark. "Chichiri doesn't want this. He wants t'stay in his little paradise an' he's doin' everythin' he can t'hang onto it. An' if that's what he wants, then what right d'we have t'try an' stop him? It's his life, ain't it?"
"But I believe that he—"
Tasuki snorted. "If he wanted t'come back so damn badly, then he'd-a done it himself by now. Chichiri's strong like that, y'know? He doesn't need help. He never needed help." And even when he did, Tasuki could never give it to him. Worthless. Always so damned worthless. "But he ain't done nothin', he's only gotten worse, so he must not want outta there as badly as you seem t'think he does. So… so, I mean, it jus' wouldn't be right, y'know…"
Tasuki clenched his trembling hands, pressing his forehead down atop them as he fought to keep his vicious thoughts away. It sounded so self-sacrificing, the way he'd said it. He sounded like a real noble hero, didn't he, when all along…
"Gods, but I'm so damn sick of bein' abandoned," he whispered.
"Never."
"Always. Everyone—"
"No. Not everyone. Koji-san has not abandoned you. Chichiri will return. And please, Tasuki, if you can believe nothing else about me, than please, trust me…" Smooth fingers cupped around his hands, steadying the shaking, and another arm reached around in a gentle embrace. The bandit kept his eyes closed, but he felt the weight of someone's head against his shoulder, and the pressure and warmth of a body leaning against his own tensed muscles. Long seconds ticked by and neither said a word, but Tasuki relaxed, and Hikaru eventually pulled away.
"I'm sorry, Tasuki," the young woman said. "All this time, I never thought about how hard this must be on you. Watching Chichiri weaken each day, having to sit by helplessly, unsure of what to think or do… you start to think that he isn't trying hard enough, and you start to wonder how much he really wants to come home."
The bandit kept his eyes focused on the milky hand of the Asatenshi, ashamed to meet the eyes of such a trusting young woman. She believed in him, to her very core. And she'd never abandon him so long as she never knew what existed at that core. So he just nodded; accepting her words, playing the brave victim in his sick little game, letting her believe what she wanted to believe.
"But I don't just say he's improving to make us all feel better, you know!" Hikaru's concerned tone left as quickly as it had come, replaced once again by her usual optimistic lilt. She hopped off the bed, kneeling down next to Chichiri and gesturing towards his sleeping face. "Here. Come closer, Tasuki, and watch Chichiri. Watch him closely, or else you'll miss it."
With no better option, Tasuki obeyed. The Asatenshi woman placed her hands over the monk's chest, chanting an unintelligible spell under her breath. A small orb of emerald energy appeared in her hands, seeming to float between she and the monk but never quite touching either of them. Tasuki tried watching Chichiri and not the mysterious ritual; Hikaru seemed almost alien when she performed her spells, but there was something beautiful in it, too—
"There!" she cried.
Tasuki jerked his head back down just in time to see Chichiri's eyebrow twitch, ever so slightly. Hikaru broke her connection, meeting the bandit's eyes and grinning triumphantly. "Did you see it, Tasuki? Movement! That means he feels it, deep down! That means he's responding!" She frowned, no doubt noticing that Tasuki's face did not mirror her own excitement. "You did see it, didn't you?"
The bandit shrugged, leaning back against his bed. "Nah, I saw it. I jus' don't understand what th' big deal is. Every time I talk t'him, like ya told me t'do, he does that twitchy thing. So it don't mean nothin', not really…" he trailed off, blinking at the unusual expression on the Asatenshi woman's face. Her eyes seemed to be sparkling, if that were possible, and the smile stretching across her face made him feel like he'd just stumbled upon the Meaning of Life. The seishi cocked his head in confusion, a tiny frown tracing his features. "Eh, Hikaru, you all right…?"
"Chi… Chichiri's been reacting that way… when you speak with him?" she finally managed to stutter out. He nodded. "Wh… why didn't you ever tell me?"
"It didn't seem like anythin' important. Like I said, he did it every time, so…"
Hikaru wasn't listening anymore, but rather muttering hurriedly to herself as her hands traced nervous patterns across the hem of her dress. "His voice alone has such power; I never realized just how strong the bond truly is. Oh, but this changes everything, or it could, at least, but I'll have to test it first to see just how powerful of a connection they possess…" she looked up, meeting Tasuki's thoroughly confused gaze. "I'd like to try an experiment, if you don't mind. Have you ever tried touching Chichiri?"
"Uh, no…"
"Good. I mean maybe that's good. We'll see in a moment, deshou?" Feeling he needed to make some sort of reaction, Tasuki shrugged. "Here. Come here, please? Kneel down next to him, right beside me… yes, right there, thanks. Now, Tasuki, I know this sounds sort of strange, but I want you to put your hand against his forehead and call his name. Will you do that for me, please?"
The bandit glanced up at her, then back down at the monk. He had no idea what Hikaru was planning, but she certainly seemed excited about it. Whatever it was, he thought, it probably wouldn't work, but he might as well humor her. It was the least he could do after everything she'd given him in just that one setting.
Tasuki placed his palm against Chichiri's cool forehead, murmuring the monk's name. "Oi, Chichiri…"
Seconds passed. Nothing happened. The bandit sighed; just as he'd thought. Another failure. Always failures. But at least his doubts and fears had been pushed into the background again. And Hikaru wasn't going to abandon him – she'd promised, though perhaps not in so many words. That was something, he thought. That was at least something.
"Well, it was worth a try, na, Hikaru—"
And then Chichiri grimaced.
It was the faintest hint of a grimace, really: just one side of his mouth twitched downwards into what might be a frown, and his eyebrows scrunched together in a look of discomfort, even pain. But more importantly was the way he and Tasuki's body's lit up with the faintest bit of a crimson glow, as if some part of their souls were reaching towards each other, trying to connect, trying to become complete once again.
The glow settled and faded within a few seconds, and the pained expression disappeared even sooner than that. Tasuki sat back hard on his bed, his entire body tingling with a faint sensation of… he couldn't explain it, exactly. A sort of wholeness, or at least a great desire to be whole. He'd forgotten that feeling, over the years, that strange connection that kept all of the seishi together no matter how many miles or years separated them… Remembering it was like a jolt to his entire system. He instantly felt better and worse all at once. Because he'd had that, once, but in the end he'd still let it all slip away, bit by bit…
"Oh, Tasuki!"
Hikaru, oblivious to the bandit's inner turmoil, threw herself upon him in a bear-hug, tackling him to the bed and squeezing him so hard he thought he might pop. "I can't believe it, Tasuki! I can't believe it – I'd never thought it – but oh, you've been the answer all along! The two of you are so tightly connected, I should've seen it from day one, but I never… I'm so stupid sometimes, but it's going to be all right, it's going to be all right because we've found Chichiri's key! We've found his key, and we're going to really, finally start working on getting him out of there! Oh Tasuki, I absolutely love you!"
At her last words, their eyes met and locked for a few long seconds. The young woman, bright and smiling, and the bandit, lost and bewildered. She stared for a moment, a slow blush spreading across her cheeks, then laughed and untangled herself from his long limbs. She stood, still staring down at the dumbstruck bandit and still grinning despite her reddened cheeks. "We're going to save him, Tasuki," she repeated, just to make sure he understood. "With my magic and your connection…"
A short laugh escaped her throat, and she looked like she might tackle him in another embrace. But instead – and quite unexpectedly – Hikaru grabbed his hands in her own, then leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, her lips just barely brushing up against his flesh in a gesture that wasn't quite friendly, yet not exactly sensual. She pulled away, an unashamed smile still lighting her beautiful features. And all Tasuki could do was stare up at her, blinking, unsure what to think about the action or about his own hammering heart. He knew that feeling, though he hadn't experienced it in a long time. Not since…
A shadow fell across his face at that. He grinned for Hikaru's sake, but couldn't quite wipe the questions from his features. "Yeah. We'll save him, right?" But his heart wasn't in the words. Because Hikaru didn't understand, not really. She didn't understand that Tasuki couldn't possibly save anyone, when he didn't even know how to save himself. When all he could do was look straight ahead as he dangled above that void, too afraid to look down and too ashamed to look up, never quite reaching the bottom but never quite climbing to the top.
But through it all, Hikaru held his hand. And that, at least, was something.
---
Doro made him do it. He hadn't wanted to, but Doro just wouldn't leave it alone, just wouldn't leave this one little idea of his alone. Koji was tired of listening to it. And, because Doro had kept at it so much, Koji found himself almost ready to believe it. That was another reason why he had to find out, why he had to just ask the question and get it out. Because if he didn't, he'd always wonder if it was true or not. He'd always have that doubt. That sort of doubt could tear him – and his already weakening friendship – to pieces.
I believe Tasuki cares deeply for Hikaru, and I believe he will steal her from you if something is not done.
No doubt Doro was still toying with the idea of overthrowing Tasuki, an idea that Koji continued to discard and hotly deny, though he found it harder and harder to resist the little fantasies about supreme Reikaku rule. The more Doro spoke on it, the more logical it became. Only Koji didn't want it to seem plausible – didn't want it to make perfect sense. So he needed to find out how Tasuki felt about Hikaru. That one thing could make or break everything.
And if nothing else, Tasuki's answer would at least shut Doro up and force him to start thinking about real solutions, and not about these ridiculous "musings" he seemed to enjoy so much.
So, Koji took a breath and knocked on Tasuki's door.
Hikaru answered.
They stood there for a moment, watching one another carefully, and perhaps skeptically. The blissful smile on the Asatenshi woman's face disappeared with alarming speed at the sight of the co-leader, and a shadow almost seemed to fall across her features. She had been unusually curt with him since their confrontation a week ago – curt, and almost fearful, as if she thought him a loose cannon, someone who might lose their grip on sanity at any moment. Koji had tried to apologize numerous times, and she always said there was nothing to apologize for, but she couldn't deny the apprehension in her eyes or the worried crease in her brow. And she certainly couldn't deny her sudden stiffness towards her former friend. "Ohayou gozaimasu, Koji-san."
Something invisible stabbed into Koji's chest, and he thought he heard Doro clucking sympathetically. "Ohayou, Hikaru-san," he answered in a failed effort to keep the hurt out of his voice. "What are you…?"
"Just finishing up with Chichiri," she answered, angling herself around the bandit in such a way that she wouldn't have to touch him and didn't have to take her eyes off him. "Tasuki's in there, if you wish to speak with him. I must be off. Dewa, Koji-san."
The co-leader moved as if to stop her, but pulled back at the last second. He watched her quick progress down the hall and out of sight, wondering if she had noticed the regret in his eyes. Wondering if she even cared anymore. With a deep sigh, he moved into the room, his gaze falling on his redheaded comrade. Tasuki was leaning over the edge of his bed, his elbows on his knees and his chin resting across his laced fingers. He seemed to be staring at someone who didn't exist, his amber orbs twitching just slightly as if the invisible person had made a cruel remark. Koji couldn't remember the last time he'd seen his friend look so open and vulnerable, and he nearly turned around and left the Reikaku leader to his privacy. But Doro nagged at the back of his mind, reminding him that Hikaru had been in here only a moment ago, and surely she had seen him like this. Surely Koji had more of a right to peer into Tasuki's soul than she did, right? Unless, of course, Tasuki cared for her that much…
"Oi, Genrou."
The bandit's head jerked up with a start, his amber orbs wide with surprise. Their eyes met, and for a moment the co-leader was nearly overwhelmed by the sheer fragility peering out at him from those twin portals. But a moment later the shields were back into place, the seishi was grinning, and Koji was left to wonder if he hadn't simply imagined it. "Oh, Koji! Sorry, I didn't see ya standin' there. C'mon in, have a seat, what's up?"
He's almost as talented with his mask as Chichiri, Doro remarked idly. Slip it off in front of people you love… slip it on in front of people you don't. He paused, then went on in a dismayed tone: Oh my, but that would mean that Hikaru is—
"You got a minute?" Koji asked, snapping off Doro's comment even though he already knew how it would end. "I wanted t'ask you a question." He glanced over his shoulder, then closed the door behind him. "It's kinda, ah, it's kinda personal."
"Uh, sure, no problem," Tasuki agreed readily, moving to sit on the floor. Koji settled down directly across from him, and just slightly to the right of the comatose monk. The co-leader glanced over at Chichiri, blinking in surprise. He had become so used to seeing the sleeping form that he sometimes forgot it was even there. Tasuki noticed his gaze. "No change," he explained with a sigh. "Still no damned change. Hikaru says he's making progress, though." The bandit brightened at the mention of the Asatenshi sister, and swiftly changed the subject. "But hey, this ain't about Chichiri. Somethin' ya wanted t'ask me?"
"Yeah, actually." Koji turned his eyes downwards, studying a dark stain on the wooden floor. Reikaku really needed a makeover. "It's about Hikaru. I wanted t'know if… or, or maybe 'what' would be a better way t'put it…"
Remember that saying, "discretion is the better part of valor"?
Yes.
That is damned lie. History is made when people leap. So close your eyes and jump.
"Are you in love with her?"
Tasuki didn't answer right away, which worried Koji. Well, perhaps it would be better to say that it worried Doro, though the two were so connected by now that it felt like the bandit's own emotion. Still more disconcerting were the first words out of his mouth. "Why wouldja think somethin' like that?"
Not "of course not"?
Not "yes," either, Koji reminded him. "I dunno, it's just, ya seem t'be spendin' an awful lotta time with her. I mean, she's always in yer room—"
"Takin' care-a Chichiri," Tasuki said.
What a lovely excuse.
Koji made it a point not to answer Doro's remark, though he couldn't stop from hearing it. "…An' it's jus', it's jus' the way ya look at each other sometimes, and how yer always chattin' with her… an' I know how she feels about you…"
To the co-leader's extreme surprise, Tasuki laughed. "C'mon, Koji, ya think that jus' 'cause some girl's got a little crush on me, I'm gonna be all over her?" He shook his head, chuckling again. "Nah, Hikaru 'n' I are jus' friends. I… I c'n talk t'her about things, y'know, things that're kinda hard t'talk about. Deeper things. Heavy things…" There was that look again, if only for a moment. He glanced up, grinning. "But that's all she is t'me. A confidante. Like Chichiri, or like you. That's all."
Watch his eyes.
What?
Watch how he won't quite make eye contact. Watch the wavering in them. Watch how his smile curls up just a bit too much on the edges. He's forcing it. He's forcing everything.
You think he's lying?
I know it.
Koji looked at Tasuki skeptically. He had been ready to believe his friend – after all, he trusted Tasuki – but Doro's words made him wonder. And watching the Reikaku leader now, really looking at him instead of just seeing what he wanted to see, he had to admit that things didn't look as certain as Tasuki made them sound. There was something strange in his expressive amber orbs. Not so much a dishonesty, but definitely insecurity. Perhaps the seishi wasn't trying to hide anything – perhaps he just didn't know himself.
The co-leader frowned. Why was he thinking like this? Why was he questioning his closest companion's words? He should just leave well enough alone; he knew that. He should just trust Tasuki; he knew that, too. But there was Doro, and there were the signs…
"You sure that's all there is to it?"
A pause, then: "Yeah, that's all."
"'Cause y'know, Genrou, I mean if you 'n' Hikaru feel that way about each other…" Koji took a breath. He didn't want to say this, but he knew it was true. He knew that deep down, if that was the way things were going to go, then he would let them go that way. He still had it in him to bow out gracefully. "If that's how things are, then I'll stop tryin' to – I mean, I want th' two of ya t'be happy…"
Even at the cost of your own happiness?
Yes.
Really?
Yes!
"…So if you feel like that, an' she feels like that, then I'll… I wanna wish you th' best of luck."
Liar.
Yes. Yes, dammit, he was a liar! But it was better this way. It was right. Because Tasuki was still his best friend. He was his rival – he had always been in his rival, Koji realized – but he was his best friend, too. So, if there was a mutual spark, then he wouldn't try to take that away. He wouldn't betray a faithful comrade, even if it was for the sake of love. Doro couldn't talk him out of that.
But Tasuki shook his head hard, almost as if he was trying to convince himself of his words. "C'mon, Koji, don't be stupid okay? You know girls drive me crazy, an' even if Hikaru is my friend she's still jus' a woman, y'know? Even if she does do a lot fer me… even if she feels the way she feels, even after…" Koji wondered where this was going, but instead Tasuki said, "An' anyway, even if I did feel like that, you fell fer her first. I know ya've been interested in her since th' day she got here. So I want you t'have th' luck with her." He laughed, but his heart wasn't in it. "I wouldn't snatch away somethin' like that, y'know."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Two bandits meet in a room and tell one another blatant lies. It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, doesn't it?
Tasuki wasn't lying, Koji insisted. He wouldn't do that. He was always honest, because he was such a terrible liar. He couldn't hide anything from the co-leader, especially emotions. Koji knew him too well for that. He also knew that Tasuki wouldn't go back on his words. No matter what he felt for Hikaru, he wouldn't express those feelings because he valued Koji higher than the Asatenshi woman. Just like Koji valued Tasuki above her, as well.
But deep within him, he knew that all his stubborn claims were total and complete lies. And in that same dark place, he could hear Doro chuckling softly.
---
---
Author's Mundane Ramblings: July 24, 2005; 7:04 PM
Hao, minna-san!
First off, might I be the first (fanfic author, anyway) to wish Kodachi-san a very happy birthday! I hope this verse makes a decent present!
Random Chapter Comments A rather slow chapter, really – one of my infamous CDCs, you could say. I almost cut this verse out altogether, but decided against that at the last moment. These three conversations really set up the next couple of action-packed chapters, so I can do a bit less explaining about why people are doing what they do and just show what they do to you. Everything else you'll have to decide for yourself, though (it's no fun if I just give you all the answers now, is it?).
Oh, and just in case you were wondering about that joke of Doro's... well, I don't have time to tell you the whole story, but the punch line is: "That's no Controller of the Universe, that's my wife!" (slaps knee and chuckles) Man, demons know the best jokes, doncha think?
Review Response Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed, and a big "welcome aboard" to Kodachi-san and Hitomi-san! Now, onto Ye Olde Questions...
-Mie-chan: "You won't kill (Koji) off, will you?" – Well now if I answered that than there wouldn't be any suspense left! All I'm going to say is what I told my beta-pal Val-chan: at this point, no one is one-hundred percent safe. And other than that... I reveal nothing!
-Kodachi-san: "Okay, I'm confused now Tasuki also loves Hikaru?" – That's a good question. Unfortunately, the characters have completely wrestled this story out of my hands, so at this point I'm not really sure how to answer that, either. It certainly does appear that way though, doesn't it?
-Kodachi-san: "And does Shuu have a Thang for Tasuki?" – I think I can safely slap a big "N-O" over that one. Though that would make for an interesting development...
-A lot of people: "What's up with Chichiri?" – If you remember from the Program (Page 2), I said that this Movement takes place entirely in the real world, which meant no Chichiri for a while. I also mentioned that the timeline of this Movement goes back a bit. If my "timeline memory" serves me correctly, then Chichiri should be somewhere between Verses Twelve and Thirteen at this point – that is, he's just finished having his little chat with Kouran and Hikou in "Paradaisu no Toride," and he's preparing himself for the night when he'll confront his memories. Don't worry, he'll show up again in the Third Movement, though whether he'll escape from his fantasy world has yet to be determined...
Show me the Verse Preview! The Akutsuki attack, the Asatenshi fight, and surprising emotions begin to appear.
'Till Next Verse!
Your Authoress – Dee