I'm sort of disowning stuff that happened in The Communist Nation of TMNT vs. Mary Sue, not because I don't like the story, but because I can get better jokes here if I do. Took kind of a detour from what I had expected. I've been looking at Mary Sue stories where teenage girls fall in love with the boys and I can't help but think that it would go a little more like this. And sorry about the crude anatomy joke. It made me laugh. So sue me.

Dear Diary,

So bored. So infinitely bored.

Dear Diary,

Oops. Big oops. I sent a text to Raph that said, "Want 2 go 2 pool hall?" Then I did some laundry and when I checked my phone I had a message from Leo that said, "Why?" He always properly punctuates his texts. I couldn't figure out what he was talking about for a minute and then I realized that I had accidentally asked him instead of Raph.

Just when I was about to call him and explain it away, he called my phone.

He sounded really stern, like he thought I was making fun of him. I felt bad telling him that I asked accidentally and really was trying to ask Raph. Sometimes I go out with Raph and we end up wandering the streets drunkenly together. We usually start these binges by going to hang out at a pool hall with some crazy people who don't seem to notice that he isn't human.

"What makes you think I don't want to go?" he said.

Well, that threw a wrench into my plans. Go with Leo? Why would he want to go? He hated partying and stuff like that. I was sure that he had some kind of ulterior motives. Maybe he wanted to figure out where we went when we hung out so he could put a stop to it.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "There are civilians at this place."

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll come over." He hung up.

Strange. I didn't sound like it would be as much fun with Leo. He's all about moderation and temperance. I always expected that the next participant on these trips would be Mikey, but he's still on a short leash at home and Raph's afraid of letting him out into wider society.

So I'm getting dressed and waiting for Leo to show up.

Dear Diary,

So here's how the night went.

I drove Leo in to Joe's Party Store. It's the only store in the city that Raph can walk into. But he has to wait until only the usuals are there.

"How come Raph can walk in this place?" Leo asked. He was gripping the door handle really hard and not getting out, even though there was nobody around.

"Oh, we were really drunk and it was late and I said that I needed… I don't remember what I needed… but he said he would get it for me because he's the man and he would provide and tried to walk into this store, but it was closed. So he broke in."

Leo's eyes were wide with shock and I was already calculating the apology I would have to give Raph after he got a talking to.

"And then when he was taking the… jerky! It was beef jerky. He was taking the beef jerky and then the lights came on and a guy asked what we were doing. He said he was sorry and that we had a jerky emergency. The guy told him to come back when we were open."

"He didn't notice his… abnormality?"

"He said that his money was just as good as a human." I got out of the van, hoping he would follow. He lingered behind me. I don't think he's ever been inside a store before. At least when it was open and full of customers and not when it was closed and/ or full of evildoers.

I didn't hold back with my liquor choices. I didn't know if he intended to drink at all and he tends not to. But I was going to give it a try. He's a really cool drunk.

Poor Leo. He looked like a deer in headlights. And it was especially strange to see him in a public place at all. It's interesting to see how they react in situations like that. Raph just acts like it's totally natural. Leo looked really scared. Just seeing him in the liquor aisle with all the fluorescent lights on him was interesting.

I realized belatedly that one of us has to stay sober to drive home.

"This is it?" Joe the cashier and owner of Joe's Party Store asked. "Don't you two usually stock up?" Then he looked up and I think it took a minute for him to realize that Leo wasn't Raph.

Leo was fidgeting and looking at the floor. "This is Raph's brother," I said. "He's a little shy."

"Shy brother? You don't look much like him." Joe rang up our stuff.

Leo's interest was piqued. "Really? I thought we'd all look alike to you."

"Never seen more than you and him, so I don't know. $38.48. Who do you take after? Your mother or dad?"

"I think I'm more like our father. Raph's more like…" He had to stop and think. "A psycho."

Joe laughed hard as I handed him his money. Leo looked a little sheepish at his not-that-funny joke.

"So who gets to drink and who gets to drive?" I asked when we were reboarding the van. "Because we can't do both."

"I'll drive," he said right away. "Wait, I don't know where we're going."

I pushed the bag into his hands. "Get started then."

"It's a little early isn't it?" He carefully laid the sack in the seat behind him. "Why do you and Raph drink so much together?"

Why do we drink together? "Well, he'll do anything if you dare him enough times." That didn't seem like a good enough explanation. "We don't really do it that much. We go to the pool hall every few weeks, but we've only drank together, like, three times."

He seemed relieved.

We got to the pool hall pretty quickly because it's nearby. I don't know the name. There isn't a sign out front. I don't think any of the patrons know the name of the place either. It's kind of a place like Cheers. The same people are there every time and they all know us by now. It's hard to forget Raph, I guess.

Whatever you call this place, it's clearly been here since the 1950's. It has that we-hope-aliens-land-soon-so-that-we-can-ascend-and-escape-this-Cold-War-hell design. You can see that the pool tables have been moved back and forth across the room so many times that there are trails rutted into the floor. And everybody uses the same table now, even though there are twelve others. It's so dirty that it looks more black than green. Lots of drink rings.

Leo followed me in, keeping his head down. I wonder if he felt like he was going to be attacked. I don't blame him for being nervous. I don't think he's ever been in a room with this many strangers who didn't want to kill him before. At least who were all looking directly at him and waiting for a formal introduction.

Skeezy Pete and some of his kids were there. The Disney Princess that I'd danced with another time and a sullen looking teenage girl, with her arms crossed. She looked like one of those girls were always wearing short shorts, tank tops and would not have spoken to me in high school. I think Pete started coming around because it's the only public place where he can find Raph. He likes to bum money off him. Pete looks kind of like a plant that's been kept in the basement too long. I introduced Leo and Skeezy Pete and Leo said, "I've heard a lot about you from my brother and it's nice to have a face to put with the name." Leo started to bow at him, but Pete held out his hand and forced him to shake it.

Then Sissy Hallowell introduced herself. She's sort of a cat lady or a bag lady. I'm not sure. She looks like she lives outdoors anyway. She always wears a plastic shower cap no matter what the weather. She says that it will ruin her perm if her hair is exposed to the air. "You're so gentlemanly," Sissy said, as Leo shook her hand. He was looking kind of wide eyed and fearful. "Don't worry. You're brother has told us all sorts of things about you." Eyes wider. More fearful. "The way Butch talks about you, you'd think you were made out of solid gold."

Blushy and a little confused. "Well, thank you, ma'am."

"Let me see him." That was Hiram Kooper. He's a 90 year old World War II veteran. He hobbled over to Leo and looked him over. "Doesn't look at all like how Butch described him. He made it sound like you were a lot bigger. Are those your swords?"

Leo reached for them unconsciously. "Yes, those are my katanas."

Then Skeezy Pete said, "Oh, these are my kids. That's Gentry…" He pointed to the teenage girl who was crossing her arms at him, "And that's Saje." He pointed at the Disney Princess. She was wearing her civilian clothes today.

Saje walked up to me and said, "I remember you. You and those other green guys took my daddy's money."

"Took your money? Did Raph rob you?" It's nice to know that Leo always thinks the best of Raph. Sheesh.

"I owed him a few dollars." Pete racked up the balls to avoid further discussion of his debts. "You know, Gentry is fifteen. Isn't that your age?"

"Sixteen, sir."

Sissy cackled. "What a gentleman."

Leo took a step closer to me.

"Why don't you two get to know each other? She's probably better company for you than us old people."

I still can't see why Pete did that. It almost felt like when a parent tries to set you up with their friends' kid. I can only think that in Pete's mind it would be in his best interests to make friends with Leo because then maybe he could get better interest rates from Raph.

So Leo tried to bow at Gentry, then remembered himself and reached out to shake her hand. She just looked at him like he was a freak. And rightfully so, I guess. He is kind of a freak. He's a freak that I love, but still a freak.

Hiram grabbed my attention and my ass and told me to sit on his lap. He's an old harmless pervert. I wonder how many young girls sit on his lap and I wouldn't doubt it if he gets more action now that he's old and cute than he did when he was young and awkward. Hiram turned to Pete and said, "Skeeze, your daughter's dressed like a hooker."

"Yeah, that's her mom's fault." He picked out a cue.

"How many kids do you have?" I asked. "Where are your twins?"

"They're at home. I have eleven kids."

"Eleven kids!" Sissy said, pulling her knitting out of her plastic bag that she carried instead of a purse. "Get a new hobby."

"And guess what," Pete said. "My girlfriend's pregnant."

I looked for Leo to check on his progress with his new friend. I realized with a shock that this was the first girl his own age that he'd ever met. They were sitting next to each other on some bar stools and he was swinging his feet like a little kid. But he had his hands clasped in his lap and was listening to her very politely. I felt like taking a picture to show to his brothers later. Gentry was saying, "I'm so mad that my dad took me here. We're supposed to be on visitation."

"It seems like any time with your dad would be good time." For some reason, I'd expected him to go into his charming flirtation. He can sound so grown up sometimes and then other times, like this one, he can sound so young. His own age, I guess.

"I hate my dad," she said with absolutely no passion.

"Oh, you shouldn't say that."

Awkward silence. He was looking around the room, ignoring her.

"So what are you? Some kind of monster?"

I felt bad for him there. But he was really polite and said, "No, I'm a turtle. See the shell." Pointed at his carapace.

"Why are you so big and you can talk?"

"Well… I'm not really supposed to say."

She looked him up and down a few times. "You don't wear any clothes."

I almost said, "Well, neither do you," but held my tongue.

He seemed to be getting really self-conscious and said, "Well, we don't really need them."

"Are you a boy?" She was looking at his crotch.

Hiram was watching them now too. "Skeeze, is your daughter a slut?"

"Could be," Pete said. He was helping Saje hold a pool cue so that she could hit one of the balls.

Leo noticed her eye line. "Yes, why would you think otherwise?"

"Well, you sort of look like a boy and you sound like a boy and you act like a boy. But you don't have boy parts."

"They have boy parts," Sissy said. "Butch took us all in the bathroom that time and showed us."

"What!" I yelled. "When did that happen?"

"Oh, you weren't here."

So Raph had flashed all these people. I bet they dared him.

Sissy couldn't give it a rest. "They're parts are up in their shells until they need them. You tell Butch that he has nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, I'll do that," I muttered.

Saje knocked a ball into a pocket with her hand and jumped up and down cheering.

"Let's talk about something else please," Leo said in a rather high pitched voice. Now it was his turn to look sullen and cross his arms.

"You're the same age as my grandsons," Hiram said, pushing me off his lap so that he could get to his wallet. "Here's a picture of them." He handed the picture to Leo and Gentry. "That's David and that's Jason. They go Amsterdam High School. Do you go to school?" He aimed that at Gentry. He must know how the boys were educated already.

"I go to Jefferson High," Gentry said.

"My father taught us," Leo said. He was looking really intently at the picture. It must be strange for him to see humans his own age.

"You were home schooled?" Gentry asked, with clear disdain. "Home schooled kids are freaks."

What a brat, I thought.

"Skeeze, your kid is a real snot," Hiram said.

"Are these Doris' kids?" Sissy asked him.

"Doris? I thought you didn't have kids, Hiram," I said. I pulled out a cue to help teach little Saje.

"I don't. I adopted Doris when she nine. See, I'm from Pinkville, Michigan and I used to live on the Kooper family farm. It was real big. All the buildings were big. Even the chicken coop was huge. I used to rent it out to my sister's nephew Adam Alverson and his kids. Anyway, I wanted to hire a hand and then I read Anne of Green Gables and realized that it would be easier to adopt a kid because I wouldn't have to pay them wages. So I adopted Doris and she lived in the hay loft and cleaned my house for me."

I'm not sure if that's true or not. He's made stuff up before.

Leo played pool and what do you know? Mr. Perfect learned the whole game in about five minutes.

And then the most hilarious thing happened. Gentry actually started flirting with him. He just seemed really annoyed with it because he would tell a really lame joke, not expecting a response and then she would stand next to him and laugh and twirl her hair. I wonder if he thought she was losing it. Nobody's ever flirted with him before.

I spent a few minutes wondering why she was doing it, but he was looking pretty cool, shooting pool and even demonstrating a basic kata for Sissy. That gave him infinite cool points. When we were about to leave she asked if he had a Facebook page and he said yes and then she asked if he wanted to exchange cell phone numbers. He just shrugged and went along with it. I was surprised that he didn't cry out, "Secrecy violation! Secrecy violation!"

I took him home and we told Raph that we'd gone to the pool hall. As Leo was headed off towards his room he said, "Oh, yeah. Sissy wanted me to say that she didn't get a chance last time to tell you that she was impressed with your endowments."

Raph's face equaled utter horror.

Dear Diary,

Don told me that Gentry called Leo and asked him if he missed her and he said not really. She huffed and puffed at him and now she's probably Facebook stalking him. Even mutant boys living in secrecy in the sewers can't escape obsessed teenage crushes.

And big surprise, Raph was really drunk when he whipped out his junk for all those old people and didn't even remember. Hehehe.

Dear Diary,

Raph was told off by Splinter for his exhibitionism. AHAHAHAHAHA.

That girl sent Leo a Facebook message saying:

Hey Leo how are you I thought you were really cool and wondered if you wanted to hang out some time but not with my friends because they would freak out I was wondering if you liked me at all you didn't seem to like me and I wondered if I would ask I thought your swords were real cool.

He said something wishy-washy like she was a nice girl but his current situation as an underground ninja and crime fighter prevented him from "liking" anybody. Then fumed around the lair that such a stupid girl liked him.

Mikey suggested that they send her a picture of Raph's… uh… endowments and maybe she'd be so impressed that she'd remove her crush to him. He got a bit of a thrashing for that comment.

So he ignored her for a week and then he gets this gem of a message:

Why don't you answer me back I thought you liked me and that you were cool what's wrong with me am I not good enough for you I know I am fat and ugly and stupid do you think I'm ugly and fat and stupid.

I saw him enter into the reply space: Yes. Then he erased it and defriended her.

Dear Diary,

The teenage angst drama continues here on As the Turtle Turns. Gentry called him back and he had deleted her number out of his address book and didn't recognize it when it came up on his caller ID and he answered it in case it was one of his brothers calling from a pay phone in an emergency situation. That's happened before.

I wasn't with him when it happened, but Don said that he turned many pretty shades of pink and then said something like, "I can't go out with you. I'm sixteen and I'm not ready for commitment."

Knowing he said that makes me laugh hysterically. I mean, that he had cause to say that for any reason.

Anyway, then he said, "No I don't think you're fat. I think you're stupid though. Don't you know how to use a period?"

Don said that he suggested that he say that there were physical incompatibilities that would prevent a physical relationship, but thankfully, he didn't go with that line of reasoning. Don would have sent her charts and diagrams and everything.

So she verbally abused him, calling him all kinds of horribly offensive names like a "mean, shit faced troll" and hung up on him, claiming she would never speak to him again. He had a little more bounce in his step after that proclamation and Don told him to reenter her number so he would know it was her next time.

Dear Diary,

Just found the liquor that I bought last week. Guess we had fun without it. I did anyway.