Chapter Twenty Five: Unity
((Author's Notes: More at the end of the chapter, but a quick announcement first. I have a brand new Facebook page! The link is in my profile here, or you can search for JenesisX on FB. Please stop by and feel free to post a message, and I'd be thrilled if you 'like' me. I decided to do that instead of a blog, and post updates, progress reports and other random stuff about my AU pretty much daily. And we can chat, too. Thanks for checking it out! ~ JenesisX ))
"Whenever you're ready, baby. I'm listening."
Lucrecia's words were both comforting and terrifying, and for a moment Vincent strongly regretted saying that he might be ready to talk about how he was feeling. But the warmth of her eyes had drawn him in, offering protection and understanding, and he'd been nearly hypnotized. The safety of her embrace hadn't hurt, either, making it nearly impossible for him to resist anything she asked of him. He knew he'd disappointed and hurt her by spending so long by himself out on the roof, and it was equally clear that she wanted him to let her know what was going on inside his head. He had to at least try…
He admitted part of him had been relieved when he thought she was asleep upon his return home. He knew it was cowardly, but he'd felt so ashamed of himself and unsure of how to face her. It was so much easier to climb into bed and take her in his arms, leaving the rest until morning. Vincent was so distracted by his own pain and exhaustion that his senses had not picked up on the fact that she was actually awake until she'd spoken, and he'd been completely taken off guard. It was another reason he found himself agreeing to speak with her so easily… He simply hadn't had time to recover and think about what he was doing. Now, he couldn't very well take it back when she was gazing up into his face so expectantly, and he swallowed hard against the nausea he felt.
Lucrecia's hand against his pale cheek was warm and gentle, and she began to softly caress the side of face as if she could sense how uncomfortable he was. He had a feeling he looked like a wild animal who had been backed into a corner, even though he was lying beneath a warm blanket and wrapped tightly in the limbs of his devoted lover. She kept her leg draped softly across him almost as if she feared he might flee, waiting patiently for Vincent to gather his nerve. Or perhaps she fully expected him to back out… She had looked surprised when he actually said he wanted to talk about what had upset him, and he could hardly blame her after the way he usually handled such matters. His first instinct was to do exactly what he had hours before… run away and brood. His second instinct was to find solace in her arms, and when she'd rolled over and held him they'd come very close to trying to forget about the painful evening and spending the rest of the night making love. He knew she would have been an enthusiastic participant, but also that it wasn't what she really needed from him. She wanted to understand what he had experienced during the evening, and what had made him push her away and insist on being alone… and somehow, he had to try to find a way to explain. But where could he even begin?
As he shyly met her eyes, her fingers gently brushing his bangs away from his forehead, he knew he would not be able to tell her of the intense pain he felt any time he was reminded of her rejection in the past. He couldn't do that to her… he wouldn't make her feel guilty for something she couldn't change. He'd long forgiven her for it, and he didn't see the point of hurting her by bringing it up again. Vincent accepted that the pain would always be there, a deep ache in his chest he'd likely have to live with the rest of his life… but it would be his pain to bear alone. He would do anything to spare her from sharing it. Some of the other things he'd experienced that evening, such as the embarrassment he brought to those he loved and the way Elmyra had treated him, were also unpleasant… but he was more willing to attempt to discuss some of those. A pang of guilt raced through him when he admitted that he was not going to be entirely honest with Lucrecia about what had upset him so much, but he quickly pushed it away. It was for the best, and to protect her. Even had he really wanted to, he wasn't sure he could have found the strength to make himself tell her everything… it hurt that deeply. As it was, he didn't even know if he would be able to share the less painful things. He simply wasn't very good at opening himself in such a way, and previous attempts had been either fumbling and awkward, or quickly aborted.
Vincent was mortified when he actually began to shiver despite how closely entwined he was with Lucrecia and the thick comforter thrown over them. Was the thought of talking about his feelings really so horrifying that it was making him physically ill? All his life, such talk had been forbidden, and much of his emotions were dark and painful. The only real experience he had was sharing how he felt about Lucrecia, and that came so easily after their first night together that it was nearly effortless. It wasn't a simple matter to just decide to start conversing about everything he felt after a lifetime of avoiding it, especially when one also had the baggage and unwanted counterpart he shared his body with. Gods, he hoped she realized that…
"Hey… it's all right," Lucrecia said quietly, her expression suddenly concerned. She moved her arm to his back, running her hand soothingly along his spine. "I'm so sorry you're this nervous about it… If you don't want to do this right now, it's okay. I know how hard it is for you. I won't be upset."
To hear her offer him an escape sent an instant rush of relief through his veins, but a moment later Vincent quickly slammed the door closed and blocked his last chance to get away. No, he was not going to be a coward and let her help him slip out of this without facing his fears. She was the one who wanted him to open up and talk so badly, and for just a second he was angry with her for giving him an excuse not to go through with it. Vincent knew she meant well, though, and that he likely looked terrified and ill with dread. He knew he would have done the same for her. He briefly closed his eyes and shook his head, sighing quietly and trying to move in even closer against her.
"No. I'm tired of running away. I… want to try to tell you how I feel. I am just nervous…" Vincent hung his head and again wondered why he was putting them both through this. There was a reason he avoided talking about his deepest fears and emotions, after all. He was terrible at it, and it scared the hell out of him. Lucrecia, however, reached out and lifted his chin until he was forced to meet her eyes again, leaning forward to softly kiss his lips.
"You'll be fine. You can't share your feelings 'wrong.' And by now you really should know you won't say anything that will change how I feel."
"I don't even know where to start…"
"Well," she said, still holding his gaze and keeping her tone quiet and gentle, "I could help you and ask a few questions to get you started if you like…? But you don't have to answer. It could just help to get you talking, and then you might be surprised."
Vincent thought about it for a moment, the terror he felt about baring his soul warring with the comfort and safety of his lover's embrace. At least Chaos was quiet for the moment, and he was able to think completely on his own. That was a blessing. He ran his hand through Lucrecia's hair as he argued with himself, trying to summon all of the courage he'd ever had. Why should it be so hard to talk to the woman he loved? It left him frustrated and angry with himself, yet he felt as if a thick, nearly impenetrable wall remained between them, one he was helpless to scale no matter how strong their love had grown. Every time he tried, he froze or turned and retreated. But she was looking at him so hopefully, with such love and understanding, that he knew he had to try again, just once more, no matter how afraid he was.
"All right," he managed to whisper, unable to look away as if hypnotized. Lucrecia smiled, and he felt himself relax just a little. When she leaned forward to kiss him again, he almost started to believe he had made the right decision.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lucrecia had been shocked when Vincent replied that he wanted to talk about how he was feeling, even if it had come with the cautious disclaimer of "a little." She'd expected him to shake his head, close his eyes, and quietly hold her while she slept. Or maybe they'd have made love first, which she certainly would not have minded in the least, holding each other until they both felt more secure. But his unexpected offer to actually discuss what he was feeling and why he'd fled onto the roof, well, that was even better.
She just wished he didn't look so terrified about it.
"Don't you remember how we used to lay like this and talk about anything, for hours at a time, sometimes all night?"
"Yes. But that was… before."
"That's so much of your problem, Vincent. We're still the same people, and I don't think about us any differently. Yet you do, no matter what I say. I want to change that so badly…"
"I'm sorry…"
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, baby… I just want you to understand. I wish you could relax and talk to me like you used to. I don't want you to worry so much, and to stop comparing yourself to what you were like thirty years ago. Do you think you can try, for us?"
Vincent nodded weakly, though he still looked guilty and nearly sick with worry. Lucrecia gently brushed back his bangs from in front of his eyes and smiled, willing to accept that for now.
"All right. Then to start, let me ask you this… Why did you run off as soon as we left their apartment? And why wouldn't you let me try to help you?"
Vincent cringed slightly and closed his eyes, and for a moment Lucrecia feared he was not going to answer. Maybe he wasn't able to go through with it after all. While she would be disappointed and a bit hurt, she would accept it and not push him. They had had a very difficult evening, he most especially, and she was glad just to have him back inside and lying in bed with her safe and sound. She had just about given up when he sighed quietly and uttered a single word.
"… embarrassed."
"You were embarrassed?" she asked, surprised. "Why? It wasn't you who did anything wrong." She had thought he was mostly angry, which had caused him to have difficulty containing Chaos. And that always seemed to make him seek solitude…
"Just by being there tonight… I embarrassed Sephiroth and Aeris. And worst of all, I embarrassed you."
"What? No!" she exclaimed, reaching out and placing the palm of her hand firmly against his cheek. "I'm proud to be with you, Vincent. I'm not embarrassed because one stupid woman wanted to act like a stuffy bitch."
Vincent lifted an eyebrow, and a slow smirk spread across his face. Lucrecia didn't usually swear, and it seemed to amuse him. She couldn't help but smile back, loving the way the expression lit up his face. Whatever worked. It quickly faded, however, and he was soon frowning again.
"My presence made everyone uncomfortable. I often feel it would be better… if I was not around at all."
"Please don't say that," Lucrecia whispered, tears filling her eyes as her chest instantly grew tight. "Gods, if I had come back to the Planet and found that you weren't here, I don't know what I would have done…"
"I am sure you would have managed. Sephiroth would have taken care of you."
"I thought of you as soon as I woke up in the lab," Lucrecia told him, a single tear escaping to trail down her cheek. Vincent's eyes shifted to follow it. "It still felt as if I'd just seen you the day before… I knew somehow that Sephiroth was all right, but I had a horrible feeling something had happened to you. All I wanted to do was escape so I could find you and make sure you were safe. And… apologize for everything I'd done to you."
"There was never any need for that," Vincent said quietly, tightening his embrace around her almost painfully. She never would have complained, though, running her hand along his back as he spoke. "I was never upset with you."
"A lot of times I really wish you were…"
There was a period of awkward silence, Vincent still holding onto her almost desperately as Lucrecia fought against the guilt that had risen up and attempted to drown her. She couldn't bring herself to look up and meet his eyes, knowing she would find his usual adoring look of unconditional love and feeling more than ever than she didn't deserve it. But if she lectured Vincent when he spoke of himself that way when it came to her love, how could she justify lying there feeling so depressed while the conversation she'd promised to help lead died around them?
"I think everyone was uncomfortable and embarrassed tonight, but not by you," Lucrecia finally managed to continue, lifting her head to meet Vincent's eyes. He looked surprised and a bit confused, as if unsure why she had gone quiet and then abruptly started speaking again, but he reached out and traced his long, graceful fingers along the line of her jaw and down her neck and collar bone. "The way Elmyra acted was embarrassing. It was like… being stuck in line in a store where a customer is being rude to an employee, or overhearing a really racist conversation, but you can't get out of the room. Do you know what I mean? Only this was far worse, because she's supposed to be family and she was almost openly hostile toward you in front of all of us. I don't care if she's supposedly afraid of you or not. If she was really so scared, she wouldn't have been provoking you… and that was what it seemed like to me!"
Vincent nodded hesitantly, his expression thoughtful. Lucrecia took a moment to bite down on the anger she felt as she recalled the way her son's mother in law had looked at her lover throughout the evening, as if he was a vile monstrosity and not the gentle, moral man she loved who spent his time protecting everyone on the base and fighting so hard against the demon inside him and his difficult past. Perhaps she would have to have a conversation with the woman when she was a bit more in control of her emotions.
"Did you see Aeris' face when Elmyra made the comment about us having an affair?" Lucrecia continued, wanting to be sure Vincent realized that he was not the reason the evening had been so unpleasant. "She was mortified! And I know you couldn't see poor Seph on the other side of me, but he was wringing his hands, grinding his teeth, and just miserable the entire time. You know he doesn't act that way around either one of us any more, so what was different? Elmyra."
"True…"
Lucrecia smiled softly and placed her palm against his cheek, leaning forward to kiss him. His agreement may not have been filled with enthusiasm, but it felt like a bit of a victory nonetheless. Vincent's next words made the feeling very short lived, however.
"If I did not look like this, however, Elmyra would have had no reason to behave that way in the first place."
"Oh, Vincent," Lucrecia sighed, running her hand through his wild hair and studying him closely. "Baby, there is nothing wrong with the way you look."
"How old are your glasses?" he asked dryly.
"As old as this body, and that's not very. I see just fine, Vincent, and you are a very attractive… and downright sexy… gentleman."
She watched as Vincent rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh, looking almost pained by her words. She would never understand that. It was as if hearing her tell him how handsome he was, and how much she was attracted to him actually hurt him somehow. Why? He had to know she meant it… He didn't look that different, for one, and she very obviously still wanted him and initiated intimate activity between them more frequently than he approached her. Vincent had always been more passive and shy about that, as if he feared rejection or thought he might be imposing upon or bothering her. The very thought almost made her laugh. Where he got some of his ideas and concerns, she would never understand. But this idea that he was somehow ugly and unappealing… it blew her mind more than anything else.
"Hardly," he muttered, averting his red eyes that shone slightly in the dark. She felt him shift his clawed left hand further beneath his body, sighing inwardly. She'd grown so used to it that she barely noticed now when he finally gave in and touched her with it, progress she was quite proud of. But he remained extremely self conscious, and likely always would.
"Why do you never believe me?" she asked softly, lifting his chin so he was forced to meet her eyes. "Is it not obvious to you that I'm very attracted to you? I always have been, and I always will be. It's actually quite an effort to concentrate on the conversation laying with you like this, you know."
Her comment won a weak smile, and Vincent leaned in and softly touched his lips to hers. She took the opportunity to kiss him back more deeply, finally forcing herself to break the contact before she proved her point a little too well. He blinked, disappointed, but went right back to frowning darkly.
"Maybe you found me passable thirty years ago, and now you simply remember that time and think you find me attractive because you love me," Vincent said, the naked pain in his eyes enough to make her throat constrict. It hurt so much to see the way he suffered and tormented himself, and she felt helpless to do a thing to comfort him. She told him constantly how she felt about him, physically expressed her attraction and affection, yet it wasn't enough. He was still unconvinced and hurting, and she seemed unable to reach him. On some level, Lucrecia realized she was a hypocrite, for no matter how many times Vincent told her she was beautiful she still found herself to be plain and unappealing when she looked in the mirror. She would never believe there was anything special about herself, still surprised even after so many years that someone as wonderful as he found her so attractive and remained so devoted. Lucrecia did understand how he felt, but Vincent's level of self loathing and insecurity went far beyond anything she had ever experienced or knew how to handle. She had always seen it in him, but the changes he had been through had amplified it tenfold.
"Gods, Vincent, do you really believe that?" she whispered, tears filling her eyes as she studied his mournful expression. "Passable? Are you kidding me? When I first saw you, you took my breath away."
"You are the only one who has ever thought so, then."
"Maybe you just never noticed. You're so shy, and you never really tried to catch anyone's attention or took notice of the women around you. In fact, I bet you probably chased them away without even realizing it half the time."
Vincent grunted a reluctant acknowledgment, absently running his hand through her hair and avoiding her gaze.
"See. I actually pursued you, and something clicked between us and helped you let down your defenses. The fact that you were single into your late twenties had nothing to do with your appearance and you know it."
"Fine. But now… I do not know how you can insist I am still attractive. How you can still… want me…"
He closed his eyes, the shame written all over his face. Lucrecia bit her lip, telling herself she would not cry. She wanted to comfort him, and she needed to stay strong. She tenderly caressed his pale cheek, wishing he would look at her.
"Let me tell you exactly what I see when I look at you, Vincent," she said softly, feeling his fingers curl possessively into the skin of her back. "Your face has not changed a bit, though you smile less and look so sad sometimes. Your eye color is different, but the emotion in them is the same, and when you look into mine I can still see into your soul just like before. Your hair is longer, but once I got used to it I liked it… It's so soft, and it looks good on you."
Vincent slowly opened his eyes and regarded her cautiously as she continued to run her hand along his face and through his hair, shifting to hook her leg more tightly around his hip. She wanted him to feel secure, and to realize how much she meant every word. She'd tried to tell him so many times before, but he still had not believed. Maybe this time, lying so close together and when they'd been making steady progress, she could finally get through to him.
"I hardly notice your left arm any more, and I only worry because of how much it upsets you and what you went through that night. I was concerned at first because of how thin you've gotten, but you've put on weight since I've been back and look much healthier now. You're pale, but I know you can't handle sunlight, and your skin is so soft. You've gotten quieter, and you dress differently, but really, baby… You look so much like you did back then it's like time stood still. When you hold me and I look in your eyes it's like nothing has changed… I just wish you felt the same."
"But I do!" Vincent said quickly, raising his hand to grip her shoulder tightly. "I love you just as deeply, if not more, than I ever did. Please do not doubt that, or take my insecurities to mean that I feel less strongly about us. I just cannot understand… on the way home, you saw… I was beginning to lose control to Chaos. How can you see that and still…?"
Lucrecia saw the sorrow and shame in his eyes, and for just a moment she thought of telling him everything… how she had awakened in the night and met Chaos face to face. She longed to tell him, to prove to him that she had stared his demon in the eye and had still not walked away from their relationship, and that the creature had decided not to harm her for whatever reason. But Vincent looked so worried, his eyes begging her for reassurance, that she was unable to make herself do it. Maybe later, when he was feeling stronger. But not tonight…
"Vincent, I'm never going to turn away from you when you need me," she said, her voice breaking as tears filled her eyes once more. She ran her fingers along the side of his face, feeling his arm snake around her waist to nearly crush her against him. "I know you can't help that, and that you had no choice in what was done to you. I've accepted it and all the things that go along with it. I want to be there to help you when you're struggling with Chaos, and to understand better what you go through, but you won't let me! It's so frustrating, and it hurts when you shut me out… I want to be there for you when you're hurting, but you keep pushing me away."
Unable to hold back any longer, the tears began to slip down her cheeks as she rested her palm against his face, their eyes locked intensely. Vincent visibly winced as if struck, lifting his hand to gently brush them away.
"Please don't cry… I never meant to hurt you," he said, his deep voice nearly a whisper. "I just… cannot stand for you to see me that way. I am so afraid that…"
He stopped abruptly, closing his eyes. Lucrecia felt him begin to tremble in her arms, her eyes widening when a single tear slid down his cheek. She gently brushed it away with her thumb, watching him closely and pressing her body against his. She felt him take a deep breath, and slowly he opened his eyes and met hers again. His pale cheeks flushed with embarrassment and he awkwardly cleared his throat, his arm slipping back around her body. She smiled softly, encouraging him to continue. Finally, he sighed and managed to find his voice again.
"I am afraid that you will be so disgusted and frightened that you will leave me…"
"Vincent, I promised you that will never happen," Lucrecia said, shifting her hand around to the back of his neck. "I'm never going to leave you, no matter what I see or what else happens. The worst is already behind us, and even death couldn't keep me away. You've just got to trust me, baby, and start to believe in yourself. We're in this together, and I don't think there's any force in existence strong enough to separate us."
They gazed intensely into each other's eyes, neither able to look away. Lucrecia's heart began to race, relieved to see much of the fear and sorrow gone from her lover's gaze. It was replaced by an intense love, his hand finding its way up her side and arm to the run through her hair and come to rest at the back of her head. A slow smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he studied her, his body no longer trembling and his expression far more relaxed. She watched as the slow fire of passion began to burn in his eyes, making her skin come alive with goose bumps.
"You are an amazing woman… and I love you," he said, easing her toward him and kissing her passionately. Lucrecia held onto him and kissed him back, easily giving in to their shared desire for one another. For once, they had resolved their issues through conversation first. They certainly deserved to enjoy each other's company for the rest of the evening, she thought absently as he claimed her mouth. Pulling away after a moment, Lucrecia playfully pushed him onto his back and climbed on top of him, pinning his shoulders down to the bed as they continued to kiss each other. He kept his hand behind her head, and she felt his clawed limb come to rest at the small of her back, something he never would have done even a few weeks before. As things quickly became heated, Lucrecia melted against her lover, relieved that he had finally opened up and shared his feelings with her. Finally, she felt as if their relationship was truly moving ahead, and their shared future looked bright.
((Author's Notes: Oh, what fun! I am so sorry for the huge delay in posting this chapter. Or well, doing anything online. First of all, as I posted in my last author's notes, we had lost my brother's beloved cat Bruno when he snuck out the door on me. We searched for four days, round the clock, in rain or shine… but we FOUND HIM the day before my birthday! The whole thing exhausted me physically and emotionally, however, and I hit a bit of a slump. Then I caught a bad cold. THEN Hurricane Sandy arrived. I live just outside Philadelphia, PA, as you may know. We only got rain and some fairly impressive wind, but on Monday, October 29th, we lost power in the afternoon. So we had no heat, no cable and internet, no nothing. I only have a very basic phone, so while I could text my beta and a few other friends, I could only check my e-mail sometimes, and the damn thing's battery dies quickly. We had a small generator to run the fridge and oven for a few hours in the evening when everyone else was home, and also my computer so I could use my word processor to write, which is how I got this and my chapter for Closing the Distance finished. So they've been sitting here mostly done, but unable to reach my beta or all of you. Our power was finally restored just before midnight on Saturday November 3rd. So 6 freaking days, and I have NO IDEA what took so long when we did NOT have major damage in this area, nor even much of a storm. We have had far worse weather here in the past and lost power for only a few hours. Again, I apologize, but… act of nature, not my fault! Haha. Hope the wait was worth it, at least…
- This chapter actually almost did not happen. At first I had no intention of writing Vincent and Lucrecia's conversation and was going to leave it to the imagination, but after more thought and consultation with the lovely and brilliant CykeclopsFF7, I changed my mind. I'm really glad I did. I think it's an important scene and came out well, and hey, it made the fic a chapter longer, as several people have asked me to do. ;) It was a bit hard to write, as highly emotional and complex conversations tend to be. I hope I did it justice. Feedback is greatly appreciated, as always.
- In other news, Cykeclops and I have been very busy bees (other than my unwanted 'vacation'). We are finally putting together a website for my Irony of Fate Alternate Universe. It will contain information about my continuity, summaries of my main fics, character profiles, and a lot of other fun stuff. She is doing the coding and graphics while I am writing the content and sort of directing her on how I would like it to be organized. I am hoping we will have it prepared by the time I begin my next major fic, Internal Warfare… which should be at the end of this year or the very beginning of next (soon after Transformations ends). Once there is some actual content to go with the pretty images, I'll post the link in my profile. So the Facebook page, and also a new website, too! Exciting times! Til next time, ~ JenesisX ))