Chapter 22: Shattered

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with the WWE, I only own my created character.

Opaque-Daydream: I have to say, I adore how you always know my work and can really get in and analyze what I do. I've always had a hard time trying to speak to anyone about what I write, because they never seem to fully know where I go with it. But, you are completely on my level. My main character, is very much what I feel when I'm writing. I like to channel my own past, personal experiences, or my days feelings, in to her, and to make sure she's actually real to everyone. I guess it's safe to say she's my outlet in life. But, fully. I love your reviews. I really do. You're one of the reasons why I love to keep this story going. You've been there since chapter 1, and have been so devoted since. I really thank you for that.

So everyone knows, I'm fast forwarding in the future. I don't see a big deal in going through a day of her being discharged, or sitting around in a hospital till release. That would just drag on. So, this will be 2 months after her discharge from the hospital, that way we can kinda get moving along.

When you have a chance to get a new beginning in your life, don't you think you'd be happy? The future held so many possibilities, each door opened widely to be able to walk in to at any given moment. Yet, the fear of so many possibilities was terrifying. Almost as if it was far too good to be true. After all, when hope was dying slowly, wouldn't that be the only real emotion to feel? Hope was slowly dying within, each day, another negative seeming to pop up and closing the doors with an impending lock of doom, never knowing what it could have possibly held. In a way, the future and hope was just suspended in compromise of the truth. The silence of the truth was deafening, and somehow, the only way any part of the future was secured, though, it destroyed so many choices. A twisted sense of peace, and a future full of certain uncertainty. A new beginning, is promising, and intended to be happy. Yet, when that future is brightened by a lie, splendor can easily fade in to something that is merely an illusion.

Two agonizing long months had passed, most of them in vain. I felt as if a war had been raging on inside my head and my heart the entire time. I didn't know what I wanted with myself anymore. I don't think I understood who I was becoming really, or more so, the new person that I became. I felt like the person I knew, had died the night that I had. I've lost myself, and I don't understand how to find a way back to my heart, to heal the heart break that was consuming my every breath. All the things that I had lost; my identity, my security, my self esteem, my confidence, any hope for my future seemed to have died with me.

I found myself curled up on the gray daybed that was positioned against a large window, that I had now pulled the curtains back from, staring at the changing leaves of the Missouri country side. Reds, oranges, yellows, and even some darker browns, colored the blue sky in a rainbow of changing time; The once dark, yet bright green grass, now fading in to a lighter shade to soon pass for the cold winter that would most likely follow. A brown fleece blanket was draped along my shoulders, falling down to cover my now paler legs. An audible sigh slid through my lips. I was once again alone in my thoughts, Randy having had to travel work, work I was desperately aching to get back to. Though Vince, of course, doubted that I was really to face my colleagues who would obviously known what had happened to me. All this silence was maddening. I ached to get back in to that squared circle; The very one place that I knew for certainty I could find myself once more. The place that would allow me to beat out every ounce of my anger and frustration, and find some sort of peace within myself. Yet, that too, was now stolen from me. Everything I had known was being slowly taken away from beneath me.

A hot, solo tear slid down my cheek as I slid farther down on to the long piece of furniture, resting my head against the soft material as I stared out at the scene before me, trying to find some sort of reason as to why my life had taken such a dark turn when things had been so perfect. What had I done to deserve this fate? Time was killing all the faith I had known, when my faith was the only thing I had truly held in my life until now. My faith that things would always work out, had diminished so quickly that I almost never realized it happened. The impending doom that Randy would soon find out the truth was only stealing more of my faith, knowing that my relationship was soon doomed to be a love gone wrong, out of my own selfish actions. The truth was becoming inevitably clear that I was far past broken. I had become shattered.

Ding-dong, Ding-dong, Ding-dong...

My brows furrowed in confusion as I turned my head in the direction of the entry way. I didn't know anybody who could possibly have been stopping by, so what could have possibly caused the doorbell to go off? Obviously, someone had to have been at the door, but, as to who, was where my confusion kicked in. I slowly stood, my bare feet squishing in to the double padded cream carpet. I really didn't feel like moving; Today had just been one of those days where my stomach was bothering me, and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. As I reached the giant dark espresso colored door, my hand gripped on to the silver handle, pressing the latch as I pulled the door open. There before my hazel eyes stood Randy, and what was more surprising was the little ball of fur that was being cradled in to his large tattooed arms.

A Bernese Mountain Dog puppy; The tiny pup couldn't have been more than four weeks old. It was white, with a large black patch on it's back, and it's entire head was black from the ears, down to it's eyes, ending just beneath the two little brown orbs. Brighter brown fur patches surrounded the darker black, and finished off with a wet, cold black nose. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen, and it took all I could not to jump in to Randy's arms to thank him, if it wasn't for the tiny little puppy.

"Surprise, baby." Randy spoke out with his trademark smirk as he gestured his arms forwarded, gently placing the puppy in to mine. "It's a girl, I didn't name her, since I figured that'd be something you'd enjoy doing it." Randy spoke as he ran his hand over the tiny puppy's head, nearly engulfing the adorable ball of fur. I couldn't help the bright smile that tugged up at my lips as I cradled her in to my chest, placing tiny kisses on to her face.

"Randy, she's so adorable. Thank you." I spoke in a soft voice, not once letting my eyes leave the tiny little puppy that I would now call my own. "I think I'll name you Faith." I whispered softly as I placed a tiny kiss to her head, "Do you like that? Huh?" My voice was soft, but the smile on my face was notable. Something, I realized I hadn't been doing in a long time.

"I missed that..." Randy expressed gently as he nudged me gently in through the door, making sure to close it behind him, before we both made our way in to the living room, sitting down upon the cream carpet. I leaned back in to the black leather couch, my head lulling off to the side as I looked at Randy as he slowly took his place down beside me. Faith had already jumped from my arms, and was scampering around the room attempting to smell everything in site. "You haven't smiled like that in a long time." He exclaimed with a straight, yet somewhat relieved face.

I couldn't help but sigh at the site of him. He seemed worried, which, I couldn't blame him. I would have felt the same had he had been acting the way I had towards him. I had been cold. Even distant. We hadn't been together since before the... incident. And I hadn't exactly been open about anything with him. I didn't think I could handle talking about it. I had tried therapist, a hypnosis, my mother. Nothing would come out, and I had no sense of peace. To say that I was a mess, was the truth, but it wasn't like it was something I could help. "I know. I'm sorry." I exclaimed softly as I allowed myself to scoot closer to his frame, leaning in to rest my head on his chest. I felt a small laugh escape from him as he wrapped both his arms around my shoulders, leaning his head down on top of mine. I instantly closed my eyes, taking in his welcoming smell of cinnamon, and the familiar thymus of his heartbeat soothing me in to a relaxed state. "I missed you..." I spoke out softly, placing a kiss to his chest, my hands immediately wrapping around his torso as I hugged myself close to him. It had been 3 weeks since he was able to be home with me, and though to some that may not seem like much, it was more than enough to make me miss his securing presence.

"I missed you too, Megg." He spoke out in his deep tone, kissing the top of my head before resting his cheek to it once more, staring off in to the room as he began to watch Faith paw at the fireplace, a small chuckle passing through his lips. "Seems like she belongs here, doesn't she?" He spoke out with an amused tone, and I could feel the corner of his lips pulling up in to a smile. "Come here!" Randy called out, and near instantly, Faith came bounding over, hopping on to both our legs, her tail wagging with joy. I grinned, a small laugh escaping my mouth as she licked my cheek happily. "And she's really done you some good already. It's why I got her... I figured, may be, it may do you seem good. From what I've read at least. They're suppose to be therapeutic."

Here we go again...

I sighed as I shrugged myself from his arms, standing up a bit to quickly. My hand immediately went to my stomach, grasping at it quickly as I winced in pain. That was really starting to get on my last nerve. All I wanted was to feel better. Really, it was, but nobody can just force me to feel better and be myself again. And as much as I loved Randy, the guilt, and how hard he was trying, was just making me want to break down yet scream at the same exact time. I was tired of the constant interrogations, the insinuations, and the lectures. The sympathy, the pity, the random looks from strangers who recognized me from the news. It was all too much, and I was tired of it. Completely tired of it.

"Is there anything you're going to do Randy that isn't suppose to help me feel better? Can, for one second, you do something because you just want to be with me. Not because you want to make me be normal again?" My voice was quivering as I felt myself finally turn around to look at him. "For one damn second, can you just make some gesture that isn't suppose to rehabilitate me. Because, guess what, Randy? I'm not something that is just going to get better because you got me a puppy, or because you went to therapy with me, or because I had one damn good day. Am I just some sort of project to you now?" I was infuriated my arms were crossed across my chest, and though the tears that were brimming my eyes were noticeable, I was determined not to let them fall. "God, you know, I don't even get why you do this. I don't deserve any of this."

In that instance any anger that had been shinning through his eyes burned out, and the worry creased in once again. He was trying to understand, I knew that, he was trying to give me time, and understood that this was a process, it wasn't going to get better instantly. But, the mood swings, the random crying, the random fighting, the distance, it was starting to irritate him beyond words, yet he was still as patient as he could manage. Slowly, he stood from the ground, taking my shaking body in to his arms once more, and he stood there, silent in his nature, as he just let me be what I needed in that moment. He didn't know what words were needed, he rarely did, and I understood that. But, I didn't deserve this, and I knew that.

"Randy, just stop..." I whispered out softly as I tried to shove my body from his arms, but he wouldn't let me go, his grip was as firm a steal trap, and he wasn't going to budge. "Randy, I don't deserve..."

"Shut up, Megg." I felt myself look up at him, my eyes shocked at the firmness, and even cruel tone he was using. "For once, just shut up. Stop trying to push me away. Stop degrading yourself. Stop pulling this shit. You're tired of it. I'm tired of it. And it's not going to work. So stop. Let me in for once, cause I'm done being your damn punching bag." He wasn't angry, his tone was mellow, and straight. He wasn't going to be the door mat I had made him in to anymore. So, may be this was my moment. "If I didn't want to do these things for you, you know damn well I wouldn't. I'm trying here. That's all I've been doing is trying, and putting up with every damn thing you've thrown in my way. But, this is getting to be bullshit. I love you, do you get that? If I didn't, I wouldn't be standing here right now. I'd be at the ring, doing my job, but I'm not. I'm here. I'm with you. Because I want to be. Get it through your head. I want to do this. I love you..." His eyes were flashing in a fierce, angered passion, and in that moment as much as I wanted to kiss him and finally be with him again, I knew I couldn't.

The speech broke down the barriers, and my tears fell as I shook my head from side to side, trying to shove his arms off of me, but he wasn't budging, he slid a hand to my neck, tugging my face towards his in a heated kiss. I responded instantly, my hands slid up his abs, to his pecks as I pressed myself as close to him as I could, allowing his tongue to enter my mouth, before a battle of dominance started. His hands traveled lower, from my neck, down to my lower back, before he found my bottom, gripping me tightly as he grinded his hips in to mine. A soft moan passed through my lips, my head tilting back slightly from his lips, where he then began an assault on to the side of my neck, sucking and gently nipping at the skin, only trail slowly up my neck, along my jaw line, to my lips once more. Then my mind snapped to reality, this shouldn't be happening.

I tore my lips from his, stepping back, nearly tripping over myself and falling to the ground as I looked at him with sorrow. "I cheated on you with, John." Before I could even stop the words from flowing out so bluntly, my hand came to my mouth in a flash, the other ran through my hair as the tears fell from my eyes like a torrential down pour. The look of hurt that flashed across his face was enough to make my heart shatter even more, but the tears that appeared to be welling in to his eyes were what made the scene that much more Earth shattering.

Dear God, what had I just done?