Chapter 25: Once More

After the door closed, Tim let out a long sigh. He drew his knees to his chest and dropped his head to his arms. For a while there was only silence in the room. Then, gradually, the sound of weeping emerged from the solitary occupant. Tim sobbed. He cried all the tears that Thom had not been able to shed. He cried the tears that Thom had shed, suffering all the losses anew, all the sorrows. He thought his heart would break for the anguish he felt. He was himself and would stay that way, but he now knew exactly what it had been like to be Thom, and that life had been a wreck. How long he cried, alone in the conference room, he didn't know, but he never heard the doorknob turn. Tim was so wrapped up in experiencing all that had been done that he was oblivious to any external stimuli. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and lifted a tear-streaked face to his visitor. He had expected Abby, but it wasn't.

"Hello, McGee."

Tim swallowed and took a deep shuddering breath. "Hello, Ziva. What do you want?"

Ziva sat down across from Tim and watched as he relaxed out of the posture of grief he'd been adopting. She was relieved when a faint blush suffused his face. That showed him to be Tim still.

"I wanted to see how you were doing. Tony said you wished to be alone."

"I did."

"Why?"

"I... I didn't want..." Tim looked down at his hands.

"You did not wish to be seen in mourning?"

"Mourning?"

"Yes, McGee. It is obvious from your face that you are in mourning. You grieve for someone."

Tim breathed in deeply again and said, "Yes. I was. I am."

"For whom do you grieve?"

"For Thom."

"But Thom is still alive, is he not?"

"In a sense, I guess he is. I remember his life as if I lived it... which I guess I did. And yet, it's not his death that is the worst."

"What is, then?"

"It's that... his life was so terrible that death was almost a relief. He didn't want to die, but he couldn't live. It's a horrible feeling, Ziva... and I'm feeling it, even if it's not exactly my own emotion."

"I do not understand all of what has been happening, McGee, but I know one thing." She stood.

"What is that?"

"No one should mourn alone." She held out her hand. "We need you, McGee. We all need you back. If you must mourn, let us mourn with you."

Tim looked at her hand for a few seconds. Then, he nodded and reached out a shaking hand and placed it in hers. Ziva was forced to exert a lot more effort to get Tim upright than she had expected. Recent events had weakened him considerably and she had to take that into account. Once he was standing, however, he walked on his own. At the door, Tim stopped and took another breath, trying to hold back another rush of tears.

He shook his head and laughed a little. "Thom's been dead a long time," he explained when Ziva looked at him, a question in her eyes. "I shouldn't feel like this..."

"But?"

"But no one else will. No one missed him. The only people who acknowledged his existence were the ones who hurt him."

"And you as well," Ziva said, firmly. "You miss him now."

"Yes."

"Good." She grabbed his hand again. "Now, come out of this room or I will..."

Tim interrupted wearily, "...or you'll kill me in painful and inventive ways."

Ziva smiled evilly and dropped his hand. "Or worse, I will tell Abby that you no longer enjoy her company."

"You wouldn't."

"Do you wish to make a wager, McGee?" Ziva asked.

Tim imagined Abby's reaction; even if it were cleared up quickly, there would be a painful period of re-education in that style which was uniquely Abby. Ziva strode out ahead, forcing Tim to stagger after her.

"I'm coming, Ziva. Don't you dare!" Tim panted.

After a few more steps, Ziva stopped and allowed Tim to catch up. As proof of his total exhaustion, as he drew level with her, Tim grabbed her arm and bent over, gasping for breath. Surprised, Ziva put her arm around Tim's waist to keep him from collapsing.

"McGee, you need to go to the gym more."

Still gasping, Tim laughed. "I think I need more than that."

"Such as?"

"Such as a good night's sleep, a chance to go for more than an hour without having a mental breakdown. It's the little things that make all the difference."

"Those are not little things."

"As long as I don't find out that there's another person in my head, they will be. I'm okay now."

"Are you sure, McGee?"

Tim eased himself out of her grasp and nodded. Ziva could tell that he wanted to show everyone that he really was himself again by not leaning on her. She could also see that he was dreading seeing the whole team again. She wasn't sure of the reason, but she knew it had to do with Thom... as everything had in the last few days. They weren't back to normal yet, although figuring out what exactly constituted normal in this place was a trick in and of itself.

"We're going to the bullpen, aren't we?"

"No."

"Why not?" Tim slowed his pace.

"Security." Ziva kept walking.

"Ziva..." Tim put his hand on her arm again. "What happened?"

"Tanner is dead."

Now, Tim stopped walking completely. What little color had returned to his face was quickly lost. "H-how?"

"Someone shot him through the window when he was standing by Gibbs' desk." Her voice took on a faint tone of admiration. "One shot, right through the head."

"So, you're all worried about Sarah being next?"

"Or you, McGee. We don't know if they are aware that you are still alive... and functioning. Tanner was surprised, but he may not have been told."

Tim shook his head in disbelief. "Why don't I feel bad about that?"

"Because he deserved to die and the only bad thing about his death is that it happened so quickly."

"I suppose so." They both fell silent as they reached the elevator. What more was there to say? Ziva was glad that Tim didn't notice where they were headed because he wasn't going to be happy about it. In his distraction, Tim didn't pay attention to their location until they were at the door of Jenny's office.

"In here?" Tim gulped.

"No, McGee. I am giving you a tour of NCIS headquarters." She grabbed his arm tightly when he took an unconscious step backwards. "Of course, in here. It is secure. No place better... except maybe MTAC."

"Is-is Director Shephard in there?"

"It is her office, McGee."

Tim visibly tensed and took a hesitant step toward the door. Sure, it had all been done against his will and without his knowledge, but that didn't change the fact that he had been feeding information to people outside the agency for his entire tenure at NCIS.

Ziva propelled him the rest of the way to the door. "Go on, McGee. You are wasting time."

He didn't allow himself to think about it any longer. Ziva would probably kill him if he did. Instead, Tim squared his shoulders, rapped on the door and then entered.

"McGee! Tim, you're okay!" Predictably, Abby was the first to react to his presence. She had been in the middle of explaining something but dropped it all and grabbed him in a fierce hug.

"Yes, Abby, I'm okay." Tim tried vainly to extricate himself from her embrace. "Abby... you can let go. ...Please, Abby?"

"Okay, Tim. I'll finish with you later," she said suggestively.

Tim blushed bright red, both at her words and at the level of scrutiny he was currently undergoing from the other occupants in the room. He didn't know what to say.

"Agent McGee." The imperious voice of the director made him flinch.

"Yes, Director?"

"Are you feeling better?" She was still looking at him sternly.

"Yes, Director."

"Then, the fact that you look ready to collapse is just a new look for you?"

Tim opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out.

Jenny's face softened. "Oh, for goodness sake, sit down, McGee." She pointed to an empty chair and Tim plopped down into it, gratefully. "There will be time for questions later. Abby, you were saying?"

Abby stopped looking at Tim and refocused her attention. "Oh, right." She brought up her results on the screen. "The bullet is your typical anti-personnel favored by snipers, a 51 mm. It has some unique striations, but they don't fit any recorded in our database. The cigarette butts have DNA, but again there's no record of it."

"Is that all, Abby?"

"No, Director," Abby said smiling. "I only said that the striations weren't in our database."

"Abby," Gibbs said in frustration.

"Okay, okay, Gibbs. The same striations turned up in an unsolved homicide last year." She pulled up the bullet for comparison. "It was a similar situation, but I guess they goofed."

"Why?"

"Well..." She brought up another photo, "because they left the gun behind, although it did disappear from lockup after awhile."

Gibbs stood up and walked closer to the screen. "The striations are the same?"

"Exactly the same, Gibbs. I got the police report and all the evidence photos. It's a modified version of the XM110 Semi-Automatic Sniper System."

"Modified by whom?"

She shrugged. "It's not the military, if that's what you're asking. They just started putting it into use this last year in Afghanistan, but it's been in development since 2005. If we're working off the assumption that the people who killed Tanner are part of this secret group, then, it's likely that Julianne Coles was a target of the same group."

"Coles?" Sarah asked, a feeling of dread growing inside of her.

"The murder victim." Abby pulled up the case file. "She must have been one of their..." she glanced at Tim, "...uh..."

"Creations," Tim said, without expression.

"Yeah." She cleared her throat. "Here she is. Did you ever see her, Sarah? Sarah?"

Tim took his eyes off of the photo of Julianne Coles and focused on his sister. Her expression hadn't changed, but it was frozen in place.

"Sarah, what is it?" he asked in concern.

In a voice devoid of expression, Sarah answered, "That woman was my... one of my assignments."

Gibbs looked at the photo again. He was the only one who knew about this since everyone else had been involved elsewhere. "Is this the woman you told me about? The one you tried to save?"

Sarah gave a humorless laugh. "Yes. Julianne Coles was the name of her original personality. I told her everything when I tried to... save her. She must have either believed me or remembered on her own... and they found her." She looked away from the photo and at Gibbs. "I told you that they don't try to hide it when they kill someone. It took them a while, but they found her."

"Do you know who would have done it?"

"No. There are a few teams. I've been part of them on occasion." At the looks everyone was giving her, she continued defensively, "I told you that I've killed before. Did you think that I just kidding or that I took it into my head to murder someone on a whim?" She couldn't bear to look at Tim. This was something a bit deeper that he had expected, she was sure and seeing his expression was not high on her list of priorities. "They work in threes. One leader and the other two as backup. They're always ready to wait it out. The team that killed Tanner most likely had two guns set up. The lead would take the first shot. If by some quirk of fate, he missed, the backup would take the second shot. If they both missed, they'd pack up and wait for another opportunity at a different location... but they never miss twice."

Shifting the attention off Sarah, Gibbs asked Abby, "So, is there any way of tracking down where this gun was made?"

"We could try going to Knights Armament Co., the people who got the contract to manufacture the XM110, but the way it's been modified indicates that either they have someone who works for the company to construct and modify it or else they have enough connections to purchase them and modify the weapons themselves. Either way, whatever happened wouldn't have been directly related to the company itself."

"There is one other option," Sarah said.

"What's that?" Gibbs asked. "Can you take us to wherever the headquarters are?"

She shook her head. "No. Blaser changes it regularly to avoid detection. No, what I meant was that we know of one other person who is still on the list."

Tim caught on before anyone else did. "No, Sarah," he said. "No. That's not an option."

Still not meeting his gaze, she shook her head. "On the contrary, Tim. It's the best option we have. If I go outside, they'll catch up to me eventually and you'll have a chance to follow them back to wherever they report in."

"What's the guarantee that they'll report in directly after? Couldn't they just do so by phone?" Gibbs asked.

"They could, but they won't. Procedure is to report in person upon completion. Blaser likes to know exactly how things are going. He won't leave it to chance."

Tim started levering himself out of the chair he'd been sitting in. "No! You can't. If Blaser won't leave things to chance, why are you willing to?"

Finally, Sarah met Tim's eyes. However he'd been looking at her before, the only thing she could see now was fear, not for his own safety, but for hers. He was afraid she'd die. She walked around the table and gently pushed him back down into the chair. "This is the only way, Tim. I'm not twenty years old. I know what's going on, and I'm the one Blaser wants out of the way. It is the only workable solution."

"Except that it's not workable." Tim stood up again and, ignoring the presence of his colleagues, he threw his arms around her and hugged her close. He whispered, softly enough that only she could hear, "Sarah, I've already lost two families. Don't make it three. Please. I couldn't bear it if I lost you, too."

She whispered back, "It's nice to hear you say that, Tim, but there are bigger things going on than me and you." She pulled back and deliberately moved away from him. "Well, Gibbs?" she asked.

He was silent, considering her plan.

Sarah pointed to the image of Julianne on the screen. "She was my assignment a long time ago. If they found her after more than a decade, they'll find me eventually anyway. This way, at least we'll all be ready for it... and some good can come from it."

Gibbs looked at Tim, taking in the horrified look on his face. He wished he'd had time to talk with him, to see how he was really doing, before this meeting. He just couldn't tell how well everything had gone. Ziva had acted concerned but not overly-so. Tony had been worried but had said Tim was himself again. Gibbs needed to talk to him himself. Later.

"Okay," Gibbs said finally, ignoring Tim's open mouth. "Sarah, we'll get you wired up. If you see any signs, make sure you mark them for us. We need to be able to follow those people in order for this to work."

She nodded.

"I'm going with you," Tim said.

"What? No, Tim. They may not know you're alive," Sarah said.

"Am I supposed to stay inside this building for the rest of my life, then? I don't think so." Tim stood up again, swayed a little, but found his footing and continued. "Even if they don't know, look at Julianne Coles," he pointed to the photograph. "Don't you think she assumed she was safe? At least right now, I know that I won't be safe. If we can get this over with, then I can get on with my life. I'm not just going to sit here and wait to hear if you got killed, Sarah." He then turned his gaze from Gibbs to Jenny. "I won't. Not even if you make it an order."

Gibbs and Jenny exchanged a look. They both needed to talk to this new Tim. It was silly to think that he wouldn't be affected by what had happened, but this was a different side of him, and they needed to see just how different he had become.

"Fine," Gibbs said in a tone that implied for now. He shifted his gaze to four of the occupants. "Sarah, you go with Abby and start giving some descriptions of the people you know who might be involved... including Blaser. Ziva, Tony, you two go with her and then start prepping. We won't start tonight. I'd rather do this kind of thing in daylight if possible. Ducky's still working on the autopsy, but I doubt we'll get much more from him." Everyone started to leave, including Tim.

"McGee. Stay here," Jenny said.

He hesitated and then nodded, sinking back into the chair. To his surprise, Gibbs left with everyone else, leaving him alone with his ultimate boss. That was a terrifying thought and his hands unconsciously clenched the arms of the chair. He watched Jenny close the door with a finality that frightened him. What was going to happen to him now?