I'm not dead, just high on MMM (bwehehehehehehe) and godknowswhat being thrown at me by university, homelife and everything else. I have not forgotten this story and long to get back to it! For the moment, have this chapter, know I love all of my readers even if you don't review, and thanks to a few certain fics here (NOT NAMING NAMES) it's possible I will be back, and also with something unusual.
If time permits it.
God, I love this pairing. Seriously. Prozen/Hiltz forever kthxbai.
Chapter Twenty-Six: A moment of silence
The interesting thing about grief was how it affected someone. Tatiana felt strangely withdrawn from the world, and remained so, only briefly aware of the people around her. She had kept in contact with Samuel's friends in the military, and they were now calling in all the favours they needed to get her – and her companion – to the safety of the country.
Guylos was in chaos, faces a blur as she'd moved through the crowds of people, desperately trying to get to the rendezvous point told to her over the radio she'd stolen from one unsuspecting soldier. Hiltz only did what he was told; he was so deep in shock. As for Raven…well…
Best not to think about it.
Tatiana kept most of her grief at bay over losing her only son. She couldn't fall to pieces, not now, not when someone else needed her. She would have her time to cry.
Three hours after the explosion, she found herself bundled into the back of an arms carrier and moving with a convoy out of the city thanks to a few words from a childhood friend, now one of the few generals in the Imperial army. General Morgan had overseen it himself, kissed her hand and told her his prayers were with her and her friend – the same friend that now slept as though dead beside her.
They were nestled in amongst the supplies to the travelling companies that were now keeping an eye on the city's borders, and here she allowed herself to quietly weep. Beside her, curled up on his side, Hiltz lay with his head in her lap, occasionally making the softest of whimpers every now and then. She stroked his head then, cooed soft nonsense words to him until he quieted, and allowed her to go back to her own sadness.
She was always the dependable one, the one who got things done. Even now, her mind glossed over the grief, quietly putting together what was needed to be done here and now. Raven had to be found. Hiltz had to be settled. Tatiana may have lost a son, but she had gained another, and looking down on those messy red curls, she allowed herself a tiny smile. When they'd first gotten onto the truck, and he'd begun to doze off, he'd been terrified of what was happening, but soon stopped fighting it. It was easier this way.
He had, Tatiana reflected, a long way to go before he would be able to get on with his life again. He had lost more than anyone she knew, but continued to push his way through life and didn't give in to the temptation of despair. She had no idea how he would go about things in the future, but for now he'd need lots of sleep, and love, and absolutely no stress. As for his unborn children…well, when they came, he would have a lot more to worry about. She would help him as best she could, but understood he got the first say.
Running her fingers through his hair, she closed her eyes and thought about her long-dead husband, and prayed to whatever god was listening that Samuel had been at his son's side when he died. If anyone could help her dear Gunther, it would have been Samuel.
That thought warmed her a little, and she stroked Hiltz' side. They would be home soon. Yes. There was much to be done.
Warm tears dripped down her cheeks.
They reached Linulk as the sun began to dip beneath the horizon.
Hiltz stirred first from his makeshift bed, wondering what woke him. He felt strangely numb and couldn't remember why. But a part of him also told him that was possibly for the best. Within him the pups were now very awake and jostling about in an odd, comfortable sort of way.
He buried his head into the soft material of Tatiana's dress.
They were only like that when Prozen was around.
There was the faintest of warnings before the pain inside returned, that little twinge of 'oh. Oh yeah. I remember now.' Hiltz felt his whole body begin to tremble, and he growled in the back of his throat, feeling the muscles tense all over his body in a parody of a desire to flee.
Gunther Prozen was gone now. He wasn't coming back. And…Hiltz could never say sorry to him. Never fight, and make up. Never be cuddled again, and never pretend to be grumpy even though he was actually really enjoying the attention. No shared meals. No touches. No warmth.
He closed his eyes tightly; the pricking sensation around his eyes was awful. His head hurt, there was a lump in his throat and his body felt like lead. After the explosion he'd kept howling and couldn't help himself, partly with joy at the monster's death, but mostly with grief, over and over again, until he didn't have the strength anymore. He hadn't wept for his family when they had died, too much in shock. But he'd wept now, with a complete loss of control of everything.
But…
But…
He had…to remember…there would be new memories to make. He had to move on. He could let it hurt, but he couldn't let it consume him. Not again. It wasn't just him anymore; and Ambient wasn't around to keep an eye on him. The little ones would be coming soon, and well…
Actually, come to think of it, it was almost like they wanted to appear now. Hiltz rubbed his bulging tummy gently, making soft growls at his young as they continued to nose around each other.
They know where we are. I remember overhearing my da tell one of his breeder sons what it would be like. You had to move away from dens to work, but when it was time to return, the pup would always know. Always look forward to it. Whole generations were born in one place, and we each knew where we were safest. In those walls. I miss them. I need them, right now. Even if it meant I'd be killed. At least…
No.
He needed the house.
Adaptation was the key to survival.
Carefully sitting up, he leaned against the side of the transport and scowled irritably as his body told him that it still wanted to sleep regardless of his needs. The air smelt different, felt different too. And all of it was wonderful and welcoming. The change that came over him too was joyous. There were happy memories here, and he would dwell on them for as long as he needed to, to make him feel better. The house reminded him of Prozen, and he clung to that thought feverishly. He'd take back the room, claim it as his own. There would still be some scent of his Broodmate in those walls, even if the laundry had been done.
"Be calm." He breathed to himself. The motions gently came to a halt, becoming the usual meandering of curiosity, and he lightly brushed Tatiana's hand. "…Tatiana?"
She grunted softly, and opened her eyes. "…Hiltz? What's wrong, where are we?"
"Almost there. Air's different. I think we're-"
He was cut off as the transport lurched and stopped. There were voices outside, unfamiliar voices. Hiltz tried to tuck his legs beneath him, automatically responding to the 'threat' and trying to move into a combat crouch. Leg muscles tightened for a leap, his mind running up the checklists of things he could do and it was only then his body failed him – he was too heavy for anything like this. Cursing angrily, he was surprised when Tatiana moved in front of him, bidding him to sit down.
"…We're at the gates."
"What gate?"
"All towns this far out have a makeshift border." Tatiana said, soothingly. "Back before the military came into play, towns warred with each other. The gate covers the road…a check point sort of thing…"
As she spoke there was the rustle of people and muted voices, and the truck lurched again. The smells and sounds were extremely familiar now, and Hiltz felt relief in that knowledge. The wait for thirty minutes bothered him, but he spent the time helping Tatiana pack up some supplies. When the truck finally stopped, and one young soldier popped out and undid the back for them to get out, Hiltz gratefully stretched his legs and aching body. Tatiana was instantly at his side, grasping the duffle bag she'd packed and placing one arm around his waist, guiding him gently up the hill to the estate. He followed willingly, hearing her call out her goodbyes and then the rumble as the truck left.
"It's going to be okay."
"You keep saying that, but I don't believe you." Hiltz breathed, pausing at the gates and leaning against the wall to catch his breath.
"You must, Hiltz."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've done."
"Hush. I keep telling you; you're reacting to what's happened. I don't care if you're still angry and bitter towards my ra-"
"I'm not. Not to you. Not to…" Hiltz trailed off, unable to say anything more. His heart felt like it was being squeezed in the hand of a giant, and his body felt cold. "I'll never be able to say I'm sorry."
"The dead can hear us, Hiltz." She whispered. "If you say it and you mean it-"
"It's not the bloody same!"
Tatiana backed off.
"I…I understand this spiritual thing you humans have going. Hell, some of our customs would be really, really weird to you…but it's…it's not the same." Hiltz' shoulders slumped. "It…doesn't matter. I could say sorry until I lost my voice, but it would mean nothing because I wouldn't have my reply." He went to punch the stone gate post, but ended up resting his knuckles against it, face softening. "You really don't know what you've got…until it's gone." He couldn't stop the whimper escape him. "…I…I should have learnt the first time around."
She hugged him again, resting her weight lightly against his back; arms tucked against his chest, and listened to the soft sobs.
"…Damn it." He breathed. "Why…why the fuck do my hormones have to start again with this?"
Tatiana smiled sadly into the clothing of his tunic, and said nothing, just pulled away and began to guide him back up to the house, as the sobs became all out weeping and uncontrollable shaking. This only subsided when Hiltz was returned to his old room, and he threw himself at the bed and curled up as best he could, quieting into hiccups and sniffling.
He stared dully at the wall, clutching at a pillow as Tatiana came and went with things he might need, and gave her a faint smile when she returned the last time as night really did begin to crawl over the town, and orange light crawled across the floor to bathe the room in a warm, almost homely glow. She said nothing to him, just sat beside him for a while, reassuringly stroking his side.
Together they watched the lights begin outside from the town, as lamps were lit, and people…celebrated. A monster had been destroyed, and everyone had a story to tell.
When the people began to sing – and not very well, either – Tatiana stirred and gave his shoulder one last affectionate squeeze. "Goodnight, Hiltz. I'll…see you in the morning, okay?"
"Yeah. 'Night." He whispered back. He felt her move off the bed, and pull something warm over him, and his heart skipped a beat as he heard her close the door.
Covering him from the shoulders down was Prozen's quilt. The scent was faint but enough to warm his battered soul and he drew it tightly around him, nuzzling into it. As sleep began to enfold him again in its' blank and healing embrace, he came to one glorious, golden conclusion. When his pups were old enough, he would leave this place, leave them with their grandmother, and destroy all of those responsible.
He owed Prozen – and Ambient – that much.
oOo
Hardin moved slowly through the wreckage, methodically sweeping the Kong's arms left and right to find any survivors. There had been some miracles here and there, but it had long since grown dark and she couldn't leave it any longer.
It was eerie and quiet moving through this mess, knowing the molten slag beneath the feet of her zoid had once been a fellow soldier and their zoid partner. Pieces of the DeathSaurer rose like a strange forest around her, enormous against her tiny size. Whoever had designed that zoid, the young woman thought, was insane.
"Lieutenant Hardin." A voice came through on her earpiece. "Your orders are to return to base camp immediately."
"Negative, base camp. There still might be survivors out here."
She had been the first to put up her hand to search. She needed to know for sure if it had been her oldest of friends who had committed such a heinous act. She needed to know if the man she loved had done the right thing. She needed a body. Something to take back, something to say goodbye to. So far she had no luck, but that didn't matter. Hardin clung to the thought that something might be over that hill. Kirche had retired some time ago, trying, and then succeeding, to drag Karl away too. Hardin didn't care. She didn't care about Kirche, and while she was sad Karl didn't understand, that in itself had been reduced to nothing.
Prozen had dragged her from the dirt countless times in training and in combat. She would do the same, even if he was no longer in this world.
"Lieutenant Hardin, this is an order from the crown prince himself. You must return. Now."
"No."
"Lieutenant, are you forgetting your place?"
"No."
"Then you must come back."
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that." How could she keep her voice so restrained? Hardin didn't know. Her pale eyes roved over each screen the Kong gave to her, looking for a heat signature of life or recent death. If she waited until morning there would be nothing left for the infrared sensors to pick up.
"Lieutenant-"
She grit her teeth. "NO, DAMN IT. HE COULD STILL BE OUT THERE. HE'S MY COMMANDER, I OWE HIM THAT MUCH."
There was a pause, an intake of breath from over the communications channel. A moment later a new voice came on, the unmistakable tone of Prince Rudolph. He cleared his throat and spoke to her.
"Lieutenant, I understand your loyalty…but former Regent Prozen was a traitor. Would you want him brought back here to have a traitor's funeral?"
She stiffened, and then flopped against the controls, hanging her head in pain. "No. No, my lord, I would not."
"Then let him rest out here in…peace. It's only right."
He sounded…wrong. She understood there was feeling behind those words, but the child couldn't possibly understand what had happened while he had been away. But of course…it didn't matter. Not anymore.
Regaining her composure, she straightened in the seat and pulled the Kong around to begin the long walk back home. As she did so, another zoid dropped in beside her, and her heart leapt when she recognised the zoid's armour detailing. There was a connection-request, and she opened it, feeling a rush of warmth as Karl came on screen.
"Lieutenant."
"I…Colonel Shubaltz. I…I was informed you'd returned to base camp with Lieutenant Kirche."
"I had, but only to help organise some help here and there. Then…I came back out here."
Hardin gave him an honest smile. "Don't even think about lecturing me, Colonel."
"I wasn't going to." He looked away as the Zabre Fang found an easy pace to match the lumbering Kong's. "I…was wondering if you could answer something for me."
"I'll try."
"Why did Prozen say all those things, then go back on his word?"
"I don't know."
"Why…why did his foster son try to kill him?" Karl gave her a worried look. "I know there was some bad blood between them, what with the boy's bad history, but all the same-"
"There was no bad blood. Raven loved his foster father very much so. You're a guy; you should know…there's different ways of showing your affection. Raven…was ordered to do what he did. I think…" She frowned, trying to find the words but failing. "I think something very bad happened."
"You're telling me."
"No…Karl." There was no rank out here, not really. Hardin closed her eyes. "Karl…Gunther had family. There's no way he would do this. I know him. He wouldn't-"
"The man was a liar." Karl looked uncomfortable in the cockpit, pale eyes bright. "But…Like you said, he had family. I can't understand why he'd endanger the life of something so apparently important to him…"
Hardin closed her eyes, letting her zoid find the right path. "Sometimes you're a real dick, Karl."
He jerked with surprise, but Hardin ignored him, unable to stop herself. She couldn't stop thinking about Raven, about Hanna and…Hiltz. There were too many words unspoken. It was stupid; why did people have to screw things up so heartily?
"You know, I thought it was really…strange…when you and I started seeing more and more of each other. I liked you a lot, Karl. All through the training college and cadets. We're both career soldiers, we have…a shelf life? You know?"
"Patricia…"
"No, shut up." The flair of frustration took over, the Kong gripping a piece of twisted metal and shoving it aside. "Just…shut up, Karl. You're so straight-laced. You always do the right thing. You never say the wrong thing. You always keep yourself in this little box, and you look out at people and smile, and nod and I hate that. I like you a lot, Karl. I want our times together to mean something, so that…" Hands gripped the controls tightly. "So that if one of us didn't come back, there'd be pleasant memories. That we could say 'this was someone I cared about. We had our good times and our bad, but we knew what we had and we were happy'. I don't know why…why you gave me a second look. You didn't like my commander, and you were in with Kirche-"
Karl, who was by now bright red, managed to find some words. "Kirche is another matter entirely! Lieutenant, I hardly think this is the time and place-"
The Kong stopped.
Karl realised he'd not only put his foot in it, he'd managed to get the other one in as well, both to the knees.
"Time and place?" Hardin mumbled. "There's never been a better 'time and place'." On the screen was not one of the most capable and level-headed pilots that the empire had ever seen in her generation. On the screen was a woman, still clinging to a piece of her that was girly, that liked to dress nice, that liked to fuss. "Karl…I want to…to let myself go; let myself…love you…so badly."
"But we-"
"I'm not talking about sex." She groaned. "I'm talking about a relationship. God! All you ever do is work. Don't you want more? Don't you want it to be deeper than just pleasantries and bed?"
"Lieutenant!" Cut a new voice over the com, not someone she knew. But she didn't care.
"I want you to see past the uniform for once. We have a good thing going, seriously, we do. And it can work, really, really well. We're from different sectors, we're at different positions, and yes, I know you're the son of a nobleman. But you're also a soldier. Just like me. And we are good together."
His face softened, their eyes meeting for the first time since the conversation had begun. "Patricia, I…I don't know what to say."
"Then start finding out." She looked at her hands. "You can't always hide behind work. If I worry you by being emotional, then I'm sorry. I'm human. Deep down under this exterior of bitchiness, organisation and just plain balls…" Karl smiled. "…I'm a girl, Karl. It's not the boobs or what's between my legs. I'm a girl. And I'm going to be emotional when the mood takes me. I want us to continue, and I need to know that you're going to open up that thick Shubaltz head of yours and be prepared to say something instead of 'Follow orders!' Or 'Hard luck old chap!'" She relaxed back into the cockpit seat again. The Kong started to move, and both pilots reached automatically to find the mute button on their respective outside com-links.
"Patricia, I find it very hard to do that…I've been raised from day one for this job. The military has always been my main focus…"
"But what's the point? We're going to be disbanded now. They'll put people like us to pasture. There is more to life than a career."
Hardin could see him thinking this over. "You mean to tell me that you – Lieutenant Patricia Hardin – want to settle down? Have a child?"
"Eventually. Maybe." Hardin felt her face heat. "I don't know. All I know is that regardless of your behaviour I enjoy your company and I want it more than just drinks after work, and the occasional weekend away for personal training. I'm scared, Karl. One of my best friends…a man I consider my brother…just…died." She felt the trembles go through her flesh again. "The last few months have been so up and down, but…those times he was happy? I want to feel that way. I want him to know I'm alright. And I'm only alright with you. You always have my back in a fight. I can trust you."
"This is grief talking…"
"You always, always have to shove things onto something else!" The pace of the lumbering zoid quickened. "Karl…once we get back into safe ground again. Once this is over…think about everything I've said. And how you feel. Because if you're going to be a fucking jerk I'm going to kick your ass, and…leave this place."
"What?!"
"I didn't make it through the military alone. I doubt I can stay. They're going to point fingers at me because of Gunther. I have to leave…it's easier that way. They can try me, sentence me, and banish me. And that will be that."
"That's crazy talk!"
Hardin bit her lip, let her zoid grasp the nearest lot of mess and swing itself up and over it. She put her foot down and flicked her link with Karl off. Men. What did they know?
But you're in deep now, Pat. You care about him too much.
Shaking her head she made her way towards the shimmering plateau of lights. Anything to escape this. To escape the loss.
Did you plan this, Gunther? Did you want all those people to die?
No.
Never.
/To be continued.
Seriously. It will. I am so sorry I've let this sit for so long and haven't meant to. AHHH. AHHHH WTFUMG.