"I really cannot believe this past week," Alejandro paced around his wrecked bedroom as he spoke into his Alert System. He had just called up one of his best friends, who lived in the Big City. He really needed someone to talk to, someone who knew who he really was! Nobody in this village respected him, and how could they, after his humiliating defeat? "I move to this backwater village to get away from it all, but I've ended up with the biggest mistake of my life."

He paused as his friend spoke.

"No," Sighed Alejandro, looking down at his arm that rested in a sling. "I'm OK. I mean, my right arm's broken and I'm bruised as a banana, but nothing too bad. It was a giant who did it, OK? He was easily over six feet and he didn't let up. He fought dirty."

His friend spoke again, and Alejandro's expression darkened.

"No, I haven't gotten a girl yet. Every time I think I get one, something catastrophic happens. Like, the first day I got a date with Avalon Pendragonache-"

His friend cut Alejandro off and said a few excited sentences.

"-Yes, that Avalon Pendragonache. The racer woman. Yeah, well, we went on a picnic, and an entire pack of Sour Mallowolves attack me. THAT was a disaster, they even took my best pants! After that, I tried to go on a date with Gretchen Fetchem-"

His friend was very excited about this.

"I know!" Alejandro clenched his free fist, "Who would have expected that these two wonderful ladies lived in the same village! But no, my ass got handed to me before I could take Gretchen on a date."

His friend laughed.

"Shut up," Spat Alejandro, "And that grim reaper, Dastardos, lives only a few minutes away. He threatened me, man! I tried to take him on but… you just can't punch him out. I tried."

Alejandro's friend laughed at him for a very long time, and then asked a question.

"Yeah, there were other girls. Lots of other girls, actually! They were all single, but for some reason whenever I took them out, I would get harassed by a whole bunch of guys! I'm at my wit's end. They even came into my house and absolutely trashed it. Well, that reaper guy I just mentioned did."

Alejandro paused for a moment as his friend asked him something.

"What- no, I didn't have a sick piñata! He smashed everything in my house! My big screen TV, my banister, my fridge is in pieces, he removed two walls… I don't understand! What did I do to piss that idiot off!"

His friend spoke for a minute, but Alejandro cut him off.

"Uh, no, he wouldn't have a lady on the side, are you kidding me? That man reeks of virginity. No self-respecting woman would even give him a second look!"

His friend was silent.

"But my house is ruined; it was completely full of weeds when I got to it in the morning. Took eight Weedlings a day to take care of it. Shit, that was expensive. And I have no idea how, but all my clothes have been changed. That nice orange button-up shirt with the spikey cuffs? It now says "I JUST WANT TO DRINK AND MAKE BAD CHOICES" in bright pink letters. No-wait-shut up!" He yelled into the speaker when his friend cackled. "This isn't funny! This is like half my wardrobe!"

His friend spoke and eventually calmed Alejandro down.

"I... Yes, I have to agree with you. Moving back home sounds so good right now."

His friend spoke again.

"No, I really don't think I could get any before I leave. Gretchen called me a Rashberry, Storkos won't return my calls, Avalon gave me a 5 minute long critique of both myself and my family… I'm not ready to talk to her for a looooong time. And I got completely ruined by Sahari's boyfriend… Wait a minute!" Alejandro grinned and looked out the window, towards the village, "There's another girl who I've completely forgotten…"