For a moment, I'm underwater. I swear I am. Everything inside this bar is muffled down and drowned out. Including her. Standing right in front of me. A smile on her face that spells nerves. That says she's as shocked as me. I need air, I need to breathe, because once again I've found myself in the middle of a dream. A dream realized. A dream that's actually life.
Suddenly her eyes soften, as she takes a tentative step towards me, a tiny inch closer that feels like she's leaped miles. And with that inching step, the bar slowly comes back to life. Slowly I feel the weight of air leaving my lungs.
Relieving none of the weight still dwelling inside me.
"Hey you."
It's soft and whispered, almost like she's afraid to actually say it. To really say it. But I really heard it. I heard her say two simple words inside a voice that used to say so much more. That used to moan, whimper, and gasp. For me. That used to whisper such private, honest words. Meant for only me.
And it's those priceless memories that have me blushing a fire.
They have me blushing so badly I can't find my voice. I actually believe I might have up and lost it. Because the hotness on my cheeks is so overwhelming, I think it's disabled my capability to form words. The capability to even remember them. My eyes won't stop crawling over her every feature, they just won't stop appreciating a sight they've gone far too long without. Unable to stop those eyes with minds of their own, just dancing from her every limb down to her every curve, "You look..." distantly observant, I finally snap out of my dream like trance and quickly change routes; because this is not a time for honest appreciation. This is not a time to be checking out the girl who checked out on me so many months ago.
"...I mean...I uh...what..." but it's never been that easy to stop appreciating her, and before I can keep stuttering my way into oblivion, Aiden barrels straight through our moment.
Ending it before it truly began.
"Ashley!"
Clueless Aiden wastes no time in wrapping Ashley in a tight hug. Wrapping her in the way I wish I could and possibly would have, if he had never ruined our awkward moment. I try so hard to shift my eyes to the floor, but I can't. I can't stop staring. Watching the way Ashley hugs him too. Watching the way she locks her eyes with mine. Never leaving them behind. With arms that hold Aiden looking like they'd rather hold me.
And I feel that old pal of a pit dropping and dissolving in my stomach. The good one. The one I forgot all about. The one I'm only remembering now because she's the only one who can give it to me.
She's the only one who's ever given it to me.
"What are you doing here?"
Finally Aiden does something worthwhile, aiding me in conversation, driving us to a destination I need to see. That I need to know about. So badly. And I'm watching her more than ever as she pulls away from Aiden, becoming her own mumbling mess.
"I...um..." A quick glance my way, looking as if she doesn't know how she wound up in this situation. She doesn't understand how she put herself inside it, "...I just had some things to take care of."
The air shifts with the way she looks at me, as if she wants me to know she's saying honest lies. As if I should believe those "things" have nothing to do with me, when in actuality I am the thing. I'm the only thing.
And we both still know it. We both know those eyes still have my name all over them. And a small small part of me wishes it still didn't make me so happy.
Only a small part, though.
"Ashley..." Madison crawls her letters in the same way she crawls her way towards us, and I feel my insides twist more than they're already twisted. Because Madison carries the reality of this situation right with her. Madison reminds me of the fact that she doesn't just grow a lean with her drinks, she grows loyalty made of steel for her friends. Abnormal loyalty for her best friend.
Loyalty I'm beyond lucky to have.
"Long time, no see."
She says it coldly, briskly, cooling all of us on this hot sweltering summer night. Yup, she's in full loyalty mode, alright. Because while she loved Ashley and me together, while she did everything possible to help us just be...she hasn't loved what Ashley's sudden, but not unexpected, disappearance did to me. She hasn't forgotten the endless tears I cried. She remembers the harsh, in the heat of the moment, words that escaped my lips.
"Long time." She whispers quietly, eyes never leaving Ashley's, but we all feel them. We all feel her honesty.
Especially me.
Madison's bitter, but right, words hit me hard. Hit the truth inside my flailing and fledgling heart, remembering those tears I cried. Remembering those words I said but never believed. And it's given my eyes a ticket to the floor. Given them first class motive to leave those too dark eyes that say too many words I still believe I don't want to read.
"It has been a long time..." But that too sweet voice of hers, brings my eyes back to hers, like it always has and I'm sure always will, and I find those too dark eyes slowly finding mine, shooting me a meaningful look only used on me, as she whispers "...too long."
Life outside the two of us ceases to exist in this moment. It's just Ashley and me. Us, alone. And something tells me no one could interrupt our moment now. As I hear Madison coughing in the distance, something tells me they won't even bother trying either.
"Right. Well unlike some people..." Madison's elbow juts against my side, but I hardly feel it "...I gotta work early, so I think it's time I bailed. That cool with you Spence?"
She asks me as if my answer would make any difference, and I only nod with a quiet "Yeah. That's fine" Because we both know my answer never mattered. We both know more than we wish, that nothing mattered the minute she walked inside those bar doors. The second she possibly stumbled inside the wrong bar.
Madison gives her a quick look, and even though I can't see it, I know just what it means. I know, with those green eyes, she's telling Ashley to be careful, to tread carefully.
And as she moves on to wrap me between her drunk arms, she gives me her own look of advice, with soft words, "I love you, Spence..." with harsh honesty "...please be careful, ok?"
And for some reason it makes me want to cry. Because why would I ever have to be careful of her?
Before I know it, they've piled out of the bar. Before I know it, it's just Ashley and me again. Inside our moment. A moment that I've been wishing forever on, and now that I actually have it, in all it's awkward tensing glory, I wonder why I ever thought I wanted this.
"So that's the infamous overeating girlfriend, huh?"
I wonder why she still has a right to act so normal, like we're still best friends or something.
"Huh?"
I wonder why she still has the right to look at me like that and why it still makes me feel like this.
"Aiden's girlfriend...what's her name..." Her eyes suddenly look scared, like they see every one of my unsure thoughts. Like she sees the bitterness flowing through my once shocked, but now cooled off body, "...Kyla?"
And I wonder why it's only now I remember those hopeless voice mails I've been leaving her.
"Oh, yeah, that's Kyla." My insides slowly drown in humiliation, because it's only now I realize she's listened to those hopeless voice mails. That soft and shy smile spreading on her face says she's heard every one of my mumbling, foolish words.
"Hey there..." Suddenly an uninvited hand softly sits on my back as a voice that should not be here slides into my ear "...where'd everyone go?"
Carmen has now ruined our moment. More than anyone possibly could, and before I can answer her. Before I can even get rid of her, Ashley is ready to rid herself.
"Oh, I didn't know..." Ashley's worried eyes flick quickly between the two of us, as if she were adding up a very scary, very heartbreaking, equation "...I mean I can leave you guys..." She starts back stepping from me and the bar, "...yeah, I'm just gonna give you guys..." and finally I realize what solution she came up with.
I realize how wrong her solution is.
"Hey no..." Without even realizing it, I reach for her hand on the bar, instinct words pouring from my sincere lips "...don't go. Please." Holding her shaking hand in mine, I turn back to Carmen "...I think they all left. Sorry."
"Oh." Carmen sees my death grip on Ashley hand, I know because I see the disappointment registering on her face, her own separate reality [so far and so different from my own finally revealing itself "...well I think I'm gonna head out too. Bye Spence."
She whispers that last part, and I might feel bad for giving her the brush off.
I might, if it weren't for Ashley's hand still in my own. Feeling that hot touch from that hot person I've missed so much.
"Who was that?"
Ashley's voice brings me back to this bar, to her hand inside mine, to Carmen walking away from us.
"Who? Carmen?"
"Yeah..." I can feel her resisting my touch, I can feel her begging to pull away, but all the while still begging to be held, "...is she your, uh, I mean she a new friend?"
She still believes that misinterpreted and misread solution, and I can't say I blame her. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same exacts doubts, fear the same exact suspicions.
"She's no one."
Looking her straight in the eyes, I give her nothing but heartfelt honesty, and I still don't know why I'm giving it to her. I still don't know why we're still standing here, holding hands, as if the past six months never happened.
And the way her face turns, looking solemn and sad, it seems she's thinking the same thing.
"Why are you here?"
Before she can say anything, I beat her to it. Getting down to the heart of the matter. Getting there more rudely than I had intended.
"I..." She seems surprised, thrown off by my abrupt tone "...I just had to do some things. Meet some people."
Lies. I can tell. There's something she's not telling me. There's a lot she's not telling me, considering it's my birthday, and she's yet to wish me anything.
"Oh..." And now it's my voice that shows my disappointment, because why hasn't she said anything? "...that's it?"
This time I meant the rudeness. I meant the harshness. Cause why are we still standing here? Why are we still skirting around all we really wish to say?
She feels it, too. She feels my hurt. She feels the pain she's inflicted on me. And I have no clue what she's gonna do. I have no clue what I'm going to do.
"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't..." I feel something lodge itself in my throat, so big it slides down to my chest, cause I see her backing away again "...I shouldn't have bothered you, I'm sorry."
And before I can say anything, before I can stop the backtrack, she's gone. Just like that, as quickly as she stomped into my night, she's stomped her way back out of it.
And I'm still sitting here at this bar, wondering why.
But not for long, nope. Not this time. Not anymore. I'm done with my sitting back and just letting things happen. Just letting her leave.
Those days are over.
Because I'm already outside the bar. I'm already tugging on her arm pulling her back to face me. I'm already kind of crying as I whisper "Really...that's it?"
And she won't look at me, because I don't think she can. Keeping her eyes closed, facing the dirty sidewalk, she sighs with a breath so heavy.
"Spence..."
"No, really, Ashley. That's it? After months of nothing. Nothing..." I breathe it, cause it hurts too much to say it out loud "'...that's all I'm getting from you? That's all I've gotten from you. That's all. For six months. Six fucking months, you've left me with nothing and then you just come back here as if it never happened. As if you never left me..." My eyes close all on their own, because this time, this time it hurts more to look at her "...you came back only to leave me again."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I'm still not looking at her, as she whispers her apologies more sincerely than anything I've ever heard.
"Well 'I'm sorry" isn't enough. It's just not." I move back from her, finally putting needed space between our blazing bodies in summers heat, between our overfilled bodies of burning regret "...where did you go, Ashley, where have you been?" My voice comes out unbelievably sincere and incalculably sad. "Why did you leave me?"
She feels it. Oh how she feels the sincere and the sad. And oh do her hurting eyes hurt me more than I wish they did.
"Oh Spence..."
"You haven't even said anything. You haven't even tried hugging me. It's like, you're scared of me or something. Like you think I'm gonna run away from you, so you won't even give me the chance to prove you wrong..." These words are unexpected, coming from a place that's thinking without me, but I keep letting them leave my lips, cause they're nothing but true "...You didn't even stick around to see that I could never run from you, that I just couldn't..." My watery eyes look into hers, finally "...I could never run from you when I've been running for you. When I've been missing you so fucking much that I can barely bear it."
I know she wants to talk, I know there are words needing so badly to be said. But she can't, not with the tears falling from her eyes, filling her lips.
"Did you even miss me? Did you even think about me? I left you messages, every Sunday..." I'm not sure if I can even look at her, I have to look away, squinting down the street. "...you never even called me back. Once again, you didn't do anything. I mean, I started believing you never listened to them."
"Of course I listened." Her wobbly voice brings me back. "I listened to every one of them."
Her eyes sear her words inside me, leaving me to believe nothing but her. Leaving me to only see and hear her. And I wonder if it'll ever wear off. I wonder if our isolation, my isolation in her, has ever not been there.
Because somewhere deep within myself, I know it's always been her. It's always been just her.
"Why didn't you ever pick up?" Words softly leave my lips, so sad, so broken "...Why didn't you just call me? Why didn't you let me know you were ok, why didn't you..." I shake my head, tired of asking for her why's, tired of putting myself through the most tortured roads, roads that could possibly kill me with her answers "...I mean did you even know today was my birthday? Have you forgotten me that much?"
The air becomes so silent with that last question. With my whispered pain and screaming confessions of fear.
So silent until she cuts right through it.
"Why do you think I'm here?'
Once again her eyes look into me, so hard and so deep, but it's not searing. It's only comforting and warm. Like the thickest blanket, she wraps my homeless heart inside her safe eyes. And it should unnerve me how "right" she's made me feel.
Then again, when you're feeling right, you never stop to worry about the wrong reasons for it.
Because maybe, maybe they're nothing but right, and now you finally know it.
"What?" I ask timidly, still somewhat afraid of her why's and her answers.
"Come on Spence, do you think it's just coincidence that I showed up tonight? Tonight, on your birthday?"
"But..."
And then she's walking towards me, taking any chance of me speaking with every step, cause I feel that good pit again, expanding and contracting inside me. Suddenly remembering how her lips feel against mine, and suddenly really wanting to feel them again.
"How could I ever forget the day you were born?" She whispers, like she's right on top of me, and looking up from the ground, I realize she almost is. She's right there. Right here, before me, so close I can feel her breath. "...how could I not listen to every one of your messages, every Sunday, and wish I could be as strong as you. And wish I were brave enough to just pick up one time. Because I did miss you Spence. Because I do miss you. So much that I know I couldn't bear it. I never could and I can't now."
I hear people passing by us, laughing and talking, living their normal lives. Not even realizing they're walking past a scene that could make or break my life.
"I had to see you. I had to come back, today, on your day, because I needed to see that you were ok. I just..." She shakes her head, like there's just so much inside her, threatening to burst from her, threatening to share even more naked honesty, shedding more honesty that I deserve, that I need "...I had to give you this."
Suddenly a small box is pushed into my hands, and I feel a memory repeat itself in my mind. Never ever able to forget one moment shared between us.
"What's this-"
"Happy Birthday, Spence."
She whispers it into my ear, pulling herself away from me. So far, as if she still needs the distance I gave us earlier.
But I'm too caught up in the unwrapped gift in my hand. The plastic cassette tape with a strong silver chain wound around it. Not even needing to see it fully to know what letter is bound to the middle of it. Knowing a beautiful "j" sits there perfectly like the "pb" still residing around her neck. Still there, after all these years.
"Ashley." I'm so overcome with emotion, I can barely get her name out, let alone any other words.
"It's 1981. The year you were born." I look to her, finding her eyes sitting solely on the tape between my hands, "...a lot of people think the 80's was all big hair and bad clothes, which is kinda true, but there were also some really great songs, some people don't realize the gems that were born in that decade, but lucky for me..." And then those eyes lock on mine, so tightly, practically chaining and bounding themselves to me, puling me to her "...I'm not some people."
Like that, I'm right inside her again. I'm so far inside there, that I don't remember the pain. I don't remember six months of nothing. I only remember this. The moments of PB&J. The moments of us, and everything between us.
Making my whispered "Thank you" so incredibly soft.
Making her "You're welcome" even softer.
Making this silent shared moment between us beyond special. Beyond real. Beyond any birthday gift.
And we just keep standing there, looking at each other, as if we're both thinking "what now?" Because that's exactly what we're thinking. Because what exactly are we supposed to do when everything between us has always been so hard, so difficult, so much and so overwhelming.
When all of that suddenly disappears, leaving us with nothing but simplicity. Leaving us with nothing but forget over all that's come between us, and remembrance over every time we've come together. Every time we've touched. Every word we've whispered.
"What are you thinking?"
Ashley's gentle, but nervous, gravely voice breaks me from my thoughts. Breaks me from my distance, planting myself back before her. Seeing her afraid. Maybe still afraid I might run. Maybe afraid I'm still mad, when I never could be mad. When I never really was in the first place.
"I'm thinking..." Holding that cassette in my hands tighter, I glimpse downwards briefly, before looking solidly into her eyes once again, "...that you should come with me."
Slowly, I reach my hand into the air, reaching for hers, like a shelf to lay myself out on, because she needs to know I'm not running from her.
No, as she tentatively takes my hand, holding it more loosely than I want her to, I have to tie our fingers tighter.
Because she needs to know, as we walk down this wide open road, that if I'm running anywhere, she's running with me.