Months. They were together for months. Marinette (Ladybug), Adrien (Chat Noir), and him. And it's fine. It was fine. It is fine. Of all people, Nathanael knew that his boyfriend and girlfriend were so much more than just heroes.
Adrien was the playful dork who practiced his puns before using them and who on occasion tried his best to draw even though he was kind of terrible at it (Nathanael would never stop encouraging him though). Marinette was the funny girl who still tripped over herself sometimes and who couldn't form sentences when she got flustered (and it never ceased to amaze Nathanael that he could make her flustered).
Marinette was the insecure girl who was humble to a fault and covered her feelings with sass, a façade of assured confidence, and a touch on the shoulder (or that was all she'd take anyway, Nathanael gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and he'd be willing to give so much more when she was upset or otherwise). Adrien was the worried boy who was often even less sure of himself than Nathanael was, who leaned into him with just a little more pressure than usual and closed his eyes so no one could see them as he took deep, steadying breaths when he got upset.
Nathanael did everything he could for them, but there were still things he didn't, couldn't, understand. And, he thought, there are things that they'll never understand. The news report playing on the television in front of him droned on. He didn't need to watch it; he already had it all memorized. It was, after all, the report on the akuma victim Le Dessinateur. His room was dark, with only the dim glow of the television for light, and he just sat on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. For the fifth time that hour, his phone vibrated. For the first time that hour, he found the energy to pull it out and actually look at the message. Alix, of course. Two were from Adrien and Marinette, but three were from his best friend.
Alix – Hey do you know what formula to use on problem 18?
Alix – Okay, I figured it out. Still not answering?
Alix – Are you watching that report again? Seriously, delete that, Nath.
Nathanael looked back at the television screen, seeing a clip of Chloe wailing about what he had done to her, and cringed. His phone buzzed again, drawing his attention.
Alix – You know what watching that does to you.
N – I can't just delete it though.
Alix – I didn't even record mine.
Nathanael didn't have an answer to that, so he looked at the messages he got from Adrien and Marinette.
He nearly snorted with laughter when he opened the message and saw Chat Noir grinning and holding up his hand to the edge of the screen, forming half of a heart. Before even opening it he knew Marinette's contained the other half.
As he mused, his eyes drifted back to the television. Dorks. He shook his head, a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips.
But the more he thought about it, the more he liked the pictures. Half of a heart from each of them. Two halves, both for him, to make a whole heart. He remembered a lot of people talking about how loving someone meant giving your heart to them. But with the hearts of heroes, he felt he needed to be extra careful with them. How much more important than his are they, anyway?
The report showed blurry footage of Le Dessinateur trapping Marinette and Chat Noir in a box and sinking their boat. Not for the first time, Nathanael allowed himself to laugh quietly at the irony that Marinette and Chat at that point still had no idea who the other's secret identity was. Laughing at them was better than thinking about how he tried to kill them.
Without a word, he shut off the television and crawled into bed, wondering whether Alix had the better idea. Paris is back to normal after all, why can't I be? He frowned to himself as he plugged his phone into the charger and drifted slowly to sleep.
The next morning, Nathanael took a deep breath, took a refreshing shower, and took a moment to watch himself smile in the mirror, checking to make sure that he could still do it convincingly even on days like that when it was difficult. He knew Adrien and Marinette noticed when he started thinking about his time being akumatized, but he hadn't told them what bothered him. Even if he did, there was no chance that they would understand.
Alix did, though. And when he arrived at school, Alix sat next to him, let him lean on her, and hugged him close. "You need to stop watching that, Nath."
"Sorry."
She sighed. "I know." She knew too well. She knew that he wasn't apologizing for watching it, but for being Le Dessinateur in the first place. Just like Nathanael knew exactly how Alix felt about Chronogirl, she knew him as well. Even though they didn't remember doing what they did, even though there wasn't even any evidence because of Ladybug's power, they knew what happened.
In a way, the fact that none of it had any effect on anything made him feel even worse.
Later in the day, Nathanael was alone with Marinette and Adrien at her house. That happened a lot after they started dating. As he knew they would, both of them picked up on his mood. "You okay, Nath?"
"Peachy," he replied, not even attempting to put any enthusiasm behind it. They both sat close on either side of him, trying to reassure him with raw feeling instead of words since he wasn't using his.
It wasn't that they were heroes and he was a villain. It wasn't that they were brave and strong and competent and he was just a student. No, it wasn't any of that that made him feel downright diminutive compared to them. It was that they had something amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and the closest he had ever gotten to that was when he was actively trying to take it from them.
He didn't want to be a hero, no, not really. He just wanted to understand that part of their lives. Because he knew it wasn't easy for them. Even past the stress of needing to fight every akuma, they had their fair share of scary experiences. Moments that they'd never forget even if they desperately wanted to. Marinette had once confided in him that she sometimes still had the occasional moment when she would look at Chat and remember all the times he nearly, or did, die for her. Nathanael chose not to mention that Alix couldn't even look at Chat Noir anymore.
And he loved them, but that was something that they just didn't understand. They never stopped to think about what life was like for an akuma victim after the initial trigger was dealt with. Sometimes they didn't even stop long enough to deal with that. Their lives moved at a rapid pace, one that on days like that one, he couldn't quite keep up with.
"Do you two ever think about that time when I was akumatized?" Nathanael asked quietly, wanting some response but unsure what he was really looking for.
"Not often," Adrien admitted.
"Rarely," Marinette said.
"Why? Do you?"
"All the time."
He felt hands on his shoulders and bodies pressed close to his. "You aren't responsible for that."
"Yes I am." Nathanael closed his eyes, trying to remember what happened. He knew every detail, every move he made and every word he said, but he still couldn't remember doing them. I don't remember it clearly, but the one thing I do recall is making a deal. And Alix told me she did the same thing. "I was given a choice and I took it. That's how it works."
"Nathanael…" Marinette touched his shoulder. He leaned into her without even meaning to.
"I'm sorry, it's just," he began, "you two are heroes. I'm literally dating Paris' heroes and even now I can't wrap my head around you two actually wanting me here. You're so amazing, and I'm just…" He sighed, not finding the word he wanted, and watched as Adrien and Marinette shared a look.
"We're not asking you to be a hero," Marinette said gently.
"But you are one anyway," Adrien added.
Nathanael scoffed. "What are you talking about? I tried to take your miraculous. I tried to kill you! That's not a hero." I tried to kill them. Both of them. Alix did kill Adrien. That's not just something we can brush off.
"It's okay!" Marinette slipped her arm through his, sitting close to him so they were touching. "It's fine, everything turned out alright, and you weren't in control of your actions."
Adrien nudged him from the other side. "And even heroes aren't perfect."
"Aren't perfect?" Nathanael felt his breath get shallow and unsteady. Oh god, I need Alix here. "You think it turned out just fine?" He stood, pulling away from Marinette and pulling at his hair as he turned to look down at them. "You two act like everything just goes right back to normal after your power cleans the city. And it does but it doesn't at all; everything is different and it hurts because it's just business as usual for everyone else but we have to watch the news, see ourselves without recognizing ourselves, watch the terrible things we did, and be told over and over again to just go back to our lives. 'Oh, Nathanael, you just attempted murder? That's nice, go finish your physics presentation.' Just because that boat and Chloe's room are back to normal doesn't mean that we are!"
Marinette opened and closed her mouth, like she wanted to say something but didn't know what. Adrien just looked away. "You weren't in control then. It wasn't you," he insisted.
"Wasn't it? Then what was I doing on that boat alone? Why did I say no just before being in clear pain? If Hawkmoth had to threaten me then clearly he wasn't the one in control."
Adrien shook his head and stood, taking a step towards him. "It's not like that. It's… a lack of inhibition. It's you, yeah, but not you. It's giving you powers and taking away any excuse not to use them. You wouldn't have done those things."
"You were just saying I would! It's proof that I would! It just means I did what I really wanted to and… and I don't- I don't want to hurt you."
Marinette stood as well, then, and hugged Nathanael tightly. "You didn't," she said. "And you're right. But you know what? The circumstances that lead to you making any of those decisions that Le Dessinateur did are never going to happen again. And you're not the same person anymore, anyway."
"Am I not?" Nathanael looked into her eyes as she led him back to the chaise and sat him down, returning to her own seat next to him a moment later.
"No, you aren't. Did the Nathanael then have the guts to ask me out? Would the Nathanael then have been able to look Chloe in the eye after stealing her precious Adrien from her? Would you have been brave enough to kiss Chat Noir back then?" She has a point. "You're not the same person. None of us are." Nathanael found himself captivated by the burning intensity carried in her eyes and sent through to him with every touch. A brush against his shoulder, a bump of their knees, and finally a hand against his cheek.
"She's right," Adrien said, kneeling next to him and resting his arm over Nathanael's leg. "I shouldn't be telling you what you would or wouldn't do, but you said yourself you don't want to hurt us and I know you don't really want to hurt anyone. That's why we're here, Nathanael. All the things that you did while akumatized, any of it that you regret, that's our job to stop. We're trying to make it so that you don't have to feel this way, to minimize the damage."
"Exactly," Marinette continued. "We're here, and we're not going anywhere." There was a long pause which Nathanael took to carefully regulate his breathing. "I'm sorry that we didn't realize it bothered you."
"You couldn't have known until I said something. I'm not angry that you didn't notice, I- I'm not even angry at all. I'm just not feeling great is all." He hugged himself, curling up a little. "I've been watching that dumb report again."
Nathanael was caught off guard when Adrien moved up and hugged him, leaning on him as he did so. When Nathanael caught him and supported his weight, Adrien just pushed until he fell sideways onto Marinette. Adrien crawled up onto the chaise, grinning fiendishly.
Nathanael laughed at Marinette's annoyed expression, as well as at the tickling at his neck when Adrien nuzzled into him, kissing him lightly a few times somewhere in the crook of his neck. "I can make you feel better," he mumbled.
Marinette's eyes went wide and her cheeks red. "Adrien, don't even start in my room."
He backed off far enough that Nathanael could see his eyes narrow and his lips move as he let out a sinister whisper. "Tickle fight."
This boy, oh my god. Nathanael would have burst out laughing even if Adrien's hands weren't floating along his sides. As it was, he tried in vain to fight off Adrien's attacks, and ended up calling to Marinette for back-up.
Smirking, she obliged, nearly tackling Adrien off of him. Oh god, they're barely on the chaise I should- oops. He flinched as the two rolled off the other end of the chaise, landing on the floor but only momentarily deterred. Seeing Marinette hunched over Adrien in front of him, Nathanael got a terrible idea and followed through with it in the same moment. He wrapped his arms around her middle, palms to her sides, and furiously tickled her. "Oh not- fair!" She exclaimed, turning her head to glare at him in between her laughs. "I saved you too!"
"All's fair in tickle war!" Adrien exclaimed, slipping out from under Marinette while she was distracted and slinking around the chaise to catch Nathanael from behind.
From behind, but not off guard. Still, he couldn't do much to keep Adrien's hands away while still holding Marinette captive, so he let go with one hand and tried feebly to fight off Adrien. After a few moments of this, Adrien just laughed and wrapped his arms around Nathanael entirely, catching Marinette at least mostly in his arms as well before falling sideways so they were all laying down.
"This chaise isn't big enough for three people, Adrien," Marinette said, breathing heavily. "I'm going to fall off." Nathanael made eye contact with Marinette, smiled, and scooted into Adrien, pushing against him until he fell off again. "That's better."
"Not for me," Adrien whined.
"I'll make it better then," Nathanael said, rolling over. He looked over the edge at Adrien and, careful not to accidentally knee his boyfriend, fell off onto him.
Adrien let out a surprised huff when Nathanael landed, but grinned at the boy in his arms. "You're right, this is much bet- oof!"
This time, both of them had the breath knocked out of them when Marinette rolled onto Nathanael's back and past him onto the floor next to Adrien. "You're both terrible, we shouldn't be lying on the floor."
"Well it looks like someone will have to get a bigger chaise then," Adrien said.
Marinette rolled her eyes and pulled Nathanael down between them.
They laid there for a while, all of them staring at the ceiling, still a bit short of breath from tickling each other and falling off of things, until finally Adrien spoke again. "Hey, Nath?"
"Yeah?"
"I know you're going to watch that report again." Nathanael frowned. He knew that, of course, as well. It was inevitable. "Promise that next time we'll watch it together."
"Huh?"
"Yeah!" Marinette exclaimed. "If you're going to watch that, you shouldn't be alone. Let us be here for you."
Right here, preferably. With Marinette and Adrien pressed against him from either side, Nathanael wondered how he could possibly do anything else.
"Yeah," he said, "I promise."