Chapter 25: Secrets

This chapter is dedicated to Emma and Kate. Emma for helping me with some ideas, and Kate for being so understanding. Thank you, girls!

To all the readers at TSS: sorry for the less-frequent updates. You now caught up with everyone at so you have to wait just like everybody else.

To all the readers at : sorry for the wait. Lack of inspiration and school does that to me.

I was surprised at my sudden movement, but it did made sense to me. I wanted to touch him so bad, but all the time I had restrained myself, afraid I would get hurt.

But Edward holding me like this made every worry fade away. It didn't feel like he was going to leave me again anytime soon. He held me very tightly against his chest; if I had been human I would have blushed at the realization how well our bodies fit together, like a puzzle.

Finally, we pulled back. I looked up at Edward's face, only to see an intense look in his eyes. I wanted to ask what he was thinking, but I also felt like it was intruding something. Knowing Edward, he'd tell me immediately. I had the feeling he wouldn't say no to me.

"Sorry if that made you uncomfortable," I said then, trying to let the intense look go away. It sent shivers down my spine. Instead, his eyes were boring into mine as if to deliver a message.

"It's okay, really. I don't mind at all," he answered, stepping closer again.

I was surprised when he leaned in and pecked my cheek. I didn't back off, though, because I liked it. I liked it more than I wanted to admit to myself.

"Ehm… Edward?" I said, hesitating a bit.

"Yes?" He answered, his voice low. I shivered again, seeing his darkened eyes.

Something shifted in the air when I stepped back, the wind blowing a scent in our noses.

Wolves.

Edward immediately started to growl, but I recognized the scent immediately and grabbed his arm.

"No, Edward. Please, don't," I practically begged him.

I knew it was pathetic, not telling him why I didn't want him to attack his mortal enemy, but I wasn't ready to tell him yet. I knew I should, and maybe I would be forced to tell him before it felt right.

"Bella… can you at least explain to me why I am not allowed to kill my mortal enemy?"

Apparently he was thinking the same thing.

"Well… I'd rather not, actually," I grimaced at the understatement.

"One day I am going to act on instinct, and maybe I will kill your friend," Edward said then. "Unless I get some explanation, of course."

My jaw dropped. Was he blackmailing me?

"Seriously, Edward? Blackmail?" I asked him, horror washing through me. There was no way I could stand up against that.

"No, Bella, I don't mean that. But you know wolves are our enemies. If you hadn't grabbed my arm, I would've acted on instinct and killed the wolf before it killed me. It's only natural. Have you ever felt the urge to go on instinct?"

I shook my head, and smiled at his shocked expression.

"When I was a seven month old vampire, I was in the subway with Andrea and Colin, not even holding my breath," I told him, letting him know what my situation was without explaining it to him.

"What?" Now his jaw dropped.

"I've never been a 'newborn.' Human blood isn't attractive to me, I guess. It isn't repulsive, either, but I just… I don't like the idea of drinking human blood. I mean, it'll always be someone who'll be missed by family and loved ones. I can't stand the thought of that."

"Wow."

"Yeah." I grinned at him.

"Speaking of blood, I need to hunt soon," I said then, thinking about the weakness I felt. I needed some strength to be able to keep contact between Jake and me. It would require more hunting trips, but I really needed it right now. Maybe if I trained it wouldn't make me this weak this fast.

"Yeah, me too," Edward agreed. It wasn't until then I noticed his eyes were almost brown, too. Just like mine.

"Great. So, I'll be out for three days then, taking time. Do you mind?" I asked.

The corner of his mouth twitched a bit.

"I don't like the idea of being away from you. Who knows what crazy idea will pop up in your mind, causing you to leave again?" He hesitated, but then added, "I wouldn't be able to handle that again. I'd tie you to me if that'd happen. I won't lose you again."

I gulped at his smoldering eyes and looked away. I knew exactly how he felt. I didn't want to be away from him either. But hunting trips were something private. I only shared them with Anna, and only when necessary.

I didn't want to share it with Edward yet. I was afraid I'd lose control if I would act on instinct around him. I'd probably jump him. I mean, somewhere between the conflicted emotions there was also a quite neutral feeling: desire. Who wouldn't desire to touch Edward? It's Edward, after all.

"Hm…can't someone join you, then?" Edward asked. I rolled my eyes, but thought about it anyway.

"No Alice, no Jasper, and NO you. You'd distract me too much," I answered then.

"That leaves one of my parents, then. I want to make sure you won't leave."

"I don't like being babysat," I muttered, almost too low for him to hear. Unfortunately, he heard it anyway.

"You did that to yourself, you know. If you had kept your promise in London, I'd trust you enough to be away from me for a few days. Now I am not sure when you'll take your chance and leave again."

"So that's why you keep coming over all the time. "

I shivered at the realization; that we both didn't trust each other. How was this going to work if we didn't trust each other? Relationships can't be built of only love, there has to be trust too. The knowledge of the fact he didn't trust me either almost crushed me, but Edward cleared his throat. It took me out of my train of thoughts, and I relaxed a little.

"What?" I said, then.

"You had this look on your face… I felt the need to interrupt your thoughts. I think if I hadn't…" he trailed off, but Bella knew what he wanted to say. He was right, after all.

"I'm still your open book, I see," I smiled at that.

He smiled too, making my breath hitch for a moment.

"How is this going to work? I mean, we are trying and things are getting better, but will we ever get to the point where we trust each other completely again? I mean, I know I love you, and I think I know you love me, too. But that knowledge won't be enough to live with," I said then, looking away from him.

This was a subject we tended to avoid; it was a bit uncomfortable. But I needed to know where this was going. I didn't feel like wasting my time, though being with Edward wasn't really that much of a waste.

"I don't know, Bella. All I know is that time will tell us," he smiled my favorite crooked smile, and I laughed.

"Damn it, Edward. You can still dazzle me," I said, shaking my head.

He laughed too. "It's a good thing you do the same thing to me, then."

His tone was light and teasing, but suddenly the air around us was filled with electricity again. It made me think of Biology, though this situation was slightly different.

The urge to touch him hadn't disappeared, though. I felt the need to touch him again, and knew if I wouldn't break this I'd end up doing exactly that.

So I stepped back, and gulped a bit. I avoided looking at him, needing some time to adjust my feelings so they wouldn't be visible in my eyes. The bad thing was the electricity wasn't fading. Instead, it seemed to get stronger and stronger, pulling us together like magnets.

When I did look up, I knew I was caught. He had an evil smile on his face, showing me he saw exactly what I was feeling.

"Open book," I muttered again.

He laughed again, shaking his head. "Back then, I felt the same way, and Bella, my love, I still do."

I stifled a gasp at that. My Love. It had been a while since someone called me that. In fact, it was the first time I heard it since I was changed.

Only Edward was allowed to say that to me.

I smiled slightly, and shrugged it off.

"Will you ask Esme when she'll be ready to leave? Also, I'd like you to take Anna with you. Which means Colin will go with you too, I think."

"You don't trust me either, do you?" Edward sighed, already knowing the answer.

I shrugged. "The feeling is mutual. You know exactly how I feel, so there's no need to explain it. It'll take a while to trust you fully again, but in the mean time, we'll try."

I gasped when I realized I said the last thing out loud.

His eyes widened in surprise, his mouth opening and closing a few times. I almost giggled at that. I had never seen a vampire do such a human thing before.

"Does that mean…" he trailed off, his voice breaking.

"I think so. I'll think about it during the hunt, okay?"

"Okay. I'll go and get Esme for you. I'll talk to you soon then," Edward said, kissing my forehead before he left.

I sank to the ground, gasping for air when I realized what just happened.

We were going to try again. I just said it out loud.

Shit.

--

Half an hour later, Esme stepped into my kitchen.

"Bella?" She asked me then, concerned. I hadn't moved from my position yet, still stunned by what just happened.

"Y-Yes?" I answered, still dazed.

"Are you okay?"

"I think I am more than okay."

And I was. I couldn't help the grin that spread over my face, because I realized I really was okay. I let myself slip for a moment, but I couldn't find any bad feelings about it. It was something I really wanted. And though I didn't know how long it'd take, I knew that one day everything would be okay.

In the mean time, I was going to enjoy Edward's presence. What could be the harm in that? Maybe he would leave me again one day, and yes, I'd let myself get killed by then. I wouldn't survive that. But I would go to heaven with the memory of Edward an me together.

"Sorry Esme, what did you say?" I asked, realizing she just said something.

She just smiled at me. "You seemed to be gone for a moment. Lost in thoughts?"

"Um, something like that," I answered, smiling back at her.

I did feel strange. I wasn't uncomfortable around her. Maybe that was because there wasn't someone around who shared her secret.

Hm. I could ask about that during our trip.

"Let's go," I said, and our hunting trip started.

--

During our trip, we talked about random things while I was gathering my courage to ask Esme one of many questions I had.

"Esme, can I ask you something?" I said after a while, when we were just walking through the forest, waiting for the wind to tell us where the animals hid.

"Sure, my dear. Why not?" Her smile was genuine, I was glad her opinion of me didn't change.

"What's the secret you and Carlisle, and of course Alice and Jasper, are hiding?"

She just smiled at me.

"That is something you need to find out for yourself, Bella. It is necessary for that to happen."

I grimaced. Why did everyone keep telling me the same thing? Why was it necessary for me to find out the secret on my own? What was the big secret everyone seemed to know, except for me? Even Jacob said he knew. Why couldn't I see it, since apparently it was a very obvious thing?

"Fine. Then I'd like to know something else…" I trailed off, not knowing how to bring this.

"Bella, you can ask me anything. I'll answer as much as I'm able to," Esme said, her voice reassuring me a bit.

"Okay. Um, what happened… after you guys… left?" I was hardly able to crack out the question I had wanted to know for such a long time.

I heard Esme mutter something that sounded like, "took you long enough," but I wasn't sure if that was just my imagination.

Esme took a deep breath, and then started telling the story.

"Edward asked us all to leave without saying goodbye to you. It would make the goodbye less hard on us. He was wrong, Alice was mad at him for a long time. She couldn't stand the thought of hurting you just because Edward wanted to. But she had to, so we listened to him and left with pain in our hearts."

"Edward was… miserable, to say the least. He spent a few months with us, but Jasper could hardly take it. Edward decided to leave us for a while."

"When we came to catch up on him, he told us he was going back to you, begging for you to take him back. He couldn't handle it anymore, being away from you."

"We don't know what happened then, but he returned to us, panicked, telling us you were like us now. After that, he left again. Alice was looking out for his future, but nothing happened, until she suddenly saw him appearing in Italy."

"Alice didn't want to tell us what happened in Italy, but she was pretty upset about it."

"From then on, our family was shattered. Jasper couldn't take all the emotions coming from us, most of them sadness and worry, so he and Alice left us. They started traveling all around the world."

"Emmett and Rosalie did the same thing. From what they've told us, they were together for a while but Alice and Rosalie had a fight about… something, and they split up too. I know Emmett and Rosalie are living somewhere in Europe right now. Rosalie is studying architecture and Emmett is actually going to Law School."

She smiled at me, but I felt uneasy.

"You can see there are a few gaps in there, I am sorry I can't fill you in on those points. All I know is what I've been told."

"I can tell you the gaps, Esme," I said, my voice cracking. "Edward held me when I was changing, telling me everything would be okay again. But he left me to go hunting, my scent was still unbearable. I went to La Push to talk to my friends-" I ignored the gasp that came from Esme, "- making Edward think they killed me. Then he went to Italy, asking the Volturi to kill him."

Esme gasped, obviously shocked.

"W-What... why… how do you know all this?" She asked after a minute.

"Because I was there."

I quickly summarized the story of my traveling, my search for Edward. I could tell if Esme had been human, she would have cried. Instead, her eyes were wide and concerned.

"Oh, Bella. I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you," Esme said and hugged me.

"Thanks, Esme. I am sorry too, for the way I behaved before. I guess… I just don't feel comfortable not knowing what is going on."

"I know, my dear, I know. I am sorry I can't tell you." She said motherly, and then we stiffened.

Deer. There were seven of them, very close to us.

We both acted on instinct, and started sprinting for them.

I closed my eyes, letting my senses take over. My mind automatically started calculating the number of steps I had to take to kill one of the deer, and the time it would take.

I had killed three deer, when I suddenly smelled something different.

Before I could recollect myself, my body responded on instinct and moved. My mind didn't even get time to think this through.

Before I knew it, I was in Edward's arms, crashing my lips to his.

He was surprised at first, I noticed that by the frozen state of his body, but it only lasted a second. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling my tighter against him. Our lips moved together for a few seconds, and then my thoughts were collected.

I pulled back, though I didn't step away from him, and grimaced. "Damn it! I told you to stay away from me!" But I couldn't help myself, and started laughing.

Edward stared at me as if I grew three heads, and raised his eyebrow. I just shook my head, and grabbed his hand.

"Bella… are you okay?" He asked suspiciously.

"Yeah! Actually, I'm great now," I grinned at him.

"Oh…" his expression was neutral, and I knew he was keeping his emotions in check. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" I asked him, smiling.

"Well… this sudden change in behavior can't be normal, I think. What made you change your mind?" He studied my face for a moment, looking in my eyes.

"I decided to enjoy my time with you, because I don't know when it will end. You never know how much time we'll have left!" I said cheerfully.

He raised his eyebrow again.

"You know I'll never leave you, right?"

"Since I am not planning on leaving you either, I'd say we're going to have a great time together!" I laughed.

Esme came walking towards us, looking at our intertwined hands. She then smiled at us.

She seemed to share something with Edward. He shrugged, and then smiled. Her smile widened, and she came over to hug me.

"Oh! You've just made me so happy!" She whispered in my ear. I just rolled my eyes, and smiled at Edward.

He leaned in and placed a kiss on my temple. It made me shiver, in a good way, and then I smelled someone else.

"Edward? Where are you? Ah, Bella! What are you-" Anna stopped mid-sentence when she spotted our hands as well.

"Really?" She said, gasping.

I nodded, making Edward nod too. She rushed over to me, hugging me too.

"What is it with everyone hugging me?" I said, laughing a bit. I hugged Anna back, telling her how grateful I was without words.

"Edward, I want you to go away again, or I will not be held responsible for my actions," I told him in a teasing, light voice.

He smiled crookedly, and his eyes twinkled.

"Who says I want you to be?" He answered my unspoken words.

I rolled my eyes. "No PDA, especially not in front of your parents."

This made Anna and Esme laugh wholeheartedly. I smiled too, shaking my head at the sudden change.

I didn't know where it came from. Suddenly, things just fell into place, as if my mind saw things I didn't see at first.

I was a little irritated I still didn't know what the secret was, but I stopped caring. Being together with Edward was enough for now.

No, guys, this isn't the end of the story. There'll be more to happen. This wasn't planned, by the way. I guess I got my inspiration back. This chapter wrote itself. This chapter has 3300 words and I had to end it somewhere.

I'm going to check how many reviews I'll get at and how many at TTS. I bet there'll be more at TTS, lol. Comments, anyone?