Twenty Six
Dr. Foley left both women at the door leading to Charles' room with a reminder of the short time he had allotted them and a brusque nod. They thanked him distractedly before looking at each other for reassurance. Taking a deep breath, Ororo nodded then pushed open the door. To her, the room resembled a torture chamber, with its machines that she could only guess what their functions were, beeping with each of Charles' vital signs. It was a morbid display of tubes, needles, bottles and cold metal instruments, causing a foreboding shiver to run through her.
Ororo heard Jean's gasp of shock and turned to see her stuff her fist into her mouth in an effort to stop further sounds from coming out.
"My darling daughters," Charles croaked and feebly raised his hand to urge them closer. "I am very happy that you both are here."
Tears ran unchecked down Jean's cheeks, no matter how desperately she tried to stop them. "We're here for you, Dad."
He looked at his daughters through glazed eyes. "I do not have much longer with you."
"No!" Jean cried softly, grabbing his frail hand as if it were a lifeline. "Please don't say that, Dad."
Charles glanced at Ororo, who up until then had remained stoic, maintaining a façade that gave the impression that she was calm. Charles knew her well enough to know otherwise. "Ororo, my sweet, sweet girl," he called out. "Please come here."
Ororo did as he bade, walking to the other side of the bed on slow feet that felt mechanical. He raised his free hand to catch hers. "I am glad you are here."
She nodded her head impatiently. "There is no place else for me to be, Dad."
"I am not going to be a burden to you for much longer, my dear. I am tired of being crippled, tired of being an inconvenience to you." He pressed her hand to his chest and looked deeply into those beautiful sapphire eyes that showed her emotional struggle. "I am going to be well and whole again very soon. Do you understand what I mean? I am looking forward to it. I want to be whole again."
Ororo shook her head vigorously. "You were never a burden, Dad. I did what needed to be done. You took care of me in my time of need, so it was my duty to take care of you."
He gave Ororo a shaky smile and then turned to Jean. He pressed her hand to his chest to join the other one holding Ororo's. "I am going to be with your mother again, my sweetheart. I cannot wait to see her again. I have longed for a reunion with her forever. There is nothing else for me in this life."
"No, Dad," Jean sobbed. "There is still much for you here. We need you."
"No, no. You both are grown wonderful women. You both have great lives ahead of you. You do not need this old man anymore." He looked back and forth between them, realizing that something had changed between them. He hoped that the tide had turned in terms of their relationship. "I am going to rest now. Both of you please stay with me."
Dr. Foley chose that moment to poke his head through the door to let the ladies know that their time was up. They both bent and kissed their father on the forehead, before following the doctor out.
Three hours later, Logan and Nathan made their appearances, apparently coming to the hospital directly from the airport. Nathan was the first to spot the women sitting on opposite chairs in the miniature waiting room. He quickly enveloped Ororo in a tight, loving hug, kissing her on the cheek and uttering that he was there for her. He then surprised everyone and gave Jean a quick comforting hug as well.
Logan, after giving Jean a perfunctory nod, rushed to Ororo's side and pulled her to him. The embrace he afforded her was exactly what she needed and she realized how much she had come to depend on him providing comfort and security for her. His reassuring kiss also added another dimension to that comfort and security. Logan turned his face into her hair, burying his nose in it. He whispered her name repeatedly and told her that he was there at her disposal. Ororo trembled with love anew for this man as he held her, knowing that her emotions were undisciplined. Minutes passed and they neither moved nor spoke. They just stood there relishing the nearness of one another.
As the evening progressed, Ororo encouraged Nathan and Logan to leave, after noticing their exhaustion. Although they were loathed to leave her side, they reluctantly relented and did as she asked.
Charles was and had always been a fighter. Eighteen hours after the doctor's bleak prognosis, he was still hanging on. Jean and Ororo took that as a good sign and prayed, bargaining that he would somehow pull through. They both used the time to quickly head out to refresh themselves and return to their vigil at their father's side.
Day number two of Charles' hospitalization saw them alternating going into his room to keep him company. They were both currently taking a break, as the doctors were in with him. Ororo sat, with a lukewarm cup of tea in her hand, while Jean was pacing back and forth.
Out of the blue, Jean murmured, "I'm sorry 'Roro. I'm not proud of a lot of the choices and decisions I've made in my life."
Ororo glanced up at her in surprise. She wasn't expecting a continuation of their conversation that seemed so long ago, right here and now. "Do we have to discuss this now?" She asked in a slightly peevish tone.
Jean stopped her pacing and looked at her straight on. "Yes," she replied with conviction. "Yes, we do. I think Dad will want to know that we have at least talked. We've put this off for too long and there are things that need to be said."
"So you think we owe this to Dad?"
"And ourselves," Jean countered coolly. "Dad is dying, Ororo. That is undeniable. And I think we need to at least send him off with the knowledge that we've at least talked things out."
Ororo nodded slowly, halfheartedly giving her consent. She placed the cup of tea on the table next to her and gave her sister her undivided attention.
Jean sighed deeply, regaining her abandoned seat. She looked down through the space between her knees, her head hanging in defeat. "First of all, I know it was tough for you to hear that I believe that you and Logan fell in love during that summer and didn't even know it."
Ororo scowled upon hearing this. "Jean…"
Jean raised her hand as if to ward off her retort. "Ororo, please, just let me finish. The way he looked at you and spoke about you whenever he and I were together, spoke volumes. He had placed you on such a high pedestal and even referred to you as a Goddess a few times. The man was just enamored with you and I can't say that I blamed him. I was jealous of how he would go on and on about you…'Ro this, 'Ro that, 'Ro everything. All he saw when he looked at me was…" she paused, grimacing, "…an easy lay."
"And I could now admit that that was exactly how I presented myself to him and to the world. That night when things got hot and heavy between us, I was happy that we were finally going to go the distance." She glanced at Ororo before ducking her head in shame. "I wanted him and I wanted something to hold over your head. So, I lied to him and told him that I was on the pill."
"You had to have known the risks of that lie," Ororo hissed bitterly.
"I did know. I just didn't care at that moment. I was finally going to have sex with him."
Jean's blunt answer was a shock to Ororo's system. Yes, they had discussed that night when they were both young and scared and had found out that she was pregnant with Nathan, but never as detailed as this. Though she was secured in her relationship with Logan, she was nevertheless still bothered to hear her sister discuss her intimate interlude with Logan as if she was discussing the weather.
Ororo's feelings were broadcasted in her eyes. "Was that not your goal once you laid eyes on him? To have him at any costs?" She scoffed.
Jean shot her an irritated look of her own. "Yes. I've never made a secret of that." She took a deep breath to get her emotions under control. "Please, 'Roro, I don't want to argue about Logan. Please just hear me out."
Ororo gave a terse nod for her to continue.
"When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. I didn't hide that fact from you. I panicked and made the decision to have an abortion." Jean looked at her with accusing eyes. "Then you went and tell Dad."
Ooro's outward calm betrayed her inner turbulence. Her revealing Jean's plans to Charles was the catalyst for everything that followed. She still felt pangs of guilt over the consequences that resulted because of her revelation. "I know you thought I was holier than thou because I never wanted you to abort the baby, Jean. I thought then and still think that we could have handled it as a family. I did my best to talk you out of it. But we both know that you had your mind made up about it long before you confided in me."
"I did. Me having a child at that age was all kinds of bad."
"Bad for your image and social life, no doubt," Ororo retorted bitterly.
Jean glared at her, but tampered down her rising ire. She stood swiftly and began to pace again. "That argument with Dad will haunt me for the rest of my life." Water pooled in her eyes as she stood still and faced Ororo. "It's because of me why he ended up paralyze. I basically stole his life from him." Tears ran down her cheeks unchecked.
Ororo, struggling to contain her own emotions as the memories of that day washed over her, turned away from Jean.
"Knowing that our argument was responsible for Dad rushing out the house like he did and getting into that accident and an unwanted pregnancy, made me resentful, withdrawn and uncaring. I didn't care much for you and Dad and the both of your ideals."
"Well excuse me for having a sense of morals," Ororo interjected sardonically.
Jean ignored her sarcasm and continued as if she wasn't interrupted. "Once Nathan was born, I thought I would feel different, that those feelings of resentment and indifference would go away. But they remained and grew worse. I got to a point where I just didn't care for anyone or anything but myself and enjoying my life." She released a harsh breath before continuing. "Once I got to that point, I figured that there wasn't anything left for me here, so I left. I made a clean break."
"Yes, you made a clean break and left me to glue the pieces of our shattered lives back together!" Ororo whispered harshly. "Why Jean? Beyond you being selfish and resenting me, why did you leave us?" Ororo demanded as her voice cracked. "Life throws us curveballs all the damn time and we all have decisions to make when life does that. Why did you choose to run? Why did you not choose to stay and tough it out?" She glared at Jean with condemning eyes, "You took the coward's way out!"
"There was nothing left for me here!" Jean retorted in kind. "I felt nothing for any of you! What did you want me to do? Stay and hate you all even more? Nathan was calling you Mom and you were his Mom in all ways even if you never gave birth to him. You were focused on finishing up school and caring for him and Dad. I didn't give a damn about anything and anyone. I needed to leave!"
Ororo glowered furiously, her breath coming out in harsh bursts, causing her nose to flare menacingly. "You, you, you! That is all it was ever about! Oh, I believe you when you say you did not give a damn about any of us, because only someone with that mentality would do what you did!" She tunneled frustrated hands through her hair, attempting to gain a modicum of control when she saw a few individuals had stopped to stare at her and Jean while they railed at each other.
Jean too noticed that they were being looked at and expelled a harsh breath in frustration. Hearing the truth about her shortcomings was not easy, but she was determined to get through this. She moved around the waiting room aimlessly. After a few moments of tense silence, she said softly, "I lived my life on my own terms, the way I wanted. Then after a few years of living life, I got a rude awakening. I finally realized that the life I was living wasn't all that I thought it would be." She reclaimed her seat and cradled her head in her hands. "I became increasingly unhappy. I felt alone. I finally realized that I belonged here, not living the high life."
Ororo peered at her, attempting to determine if she was being sincere or just saying what she thought they wanted she hear. "Why did you not come back once you realized that you belonged here and you were needed?"
Jean sighed and shifted her gaze from Ororo's intense one. "It took me years to finally woman up and accept that I was a selfish bitch," she replied with candor. "That and the fact that I really had nothing to offer anyone kept me away. I was a mess even after my epiphanies. I had a lot to sort out and decide." She sighed. "I mean, how do I come back to the people I basically abandoned and believed I didn't care about?"
Knowing that there would be no answer to her rhetorical question, she plowed on, "Even my friend Sean encouraged me to come back and make amends so many times, but I wasn't ready to come back yet. I know that if I had forced coming back before I was ready, then my apologies would have been half-hearted apologies and my promises empty."
Ororo decided to play devil's advocate. "And you do not think that your apologies and promises now are empty?"
"No," Jean replied immediately. "I do not. I truly want to make amends and put the past behind me…us." She looked up at Ororo to see how she had taken that last part. She tried not to let her dismay show once she saw the unreadable look the ebony beauty sported.
"Why are you still so angry with me, Ororo?"
Ororo tossed her a look that pretty much asked her if she was serious, but didn't bother to offer an answer.
Jean ducked her head contritely and wisely stayed silent. However, she wasn't done yet. Her next words would either make or break any hope of a relationship with Ororo. "'Roro?" She called out softly and waited for Ororo to look at her. "I've done a lot in my life that no amount of making amends, apologies and promises is going to fix. My decision to leave you, Nathan and Dad was one that I know I would definitely suffer for the rest of my life. I've accepted my role in shaping the path our lives took. I've accepted that I've been nothing but selfish and foolish. I'm not proud of it and I don't want to be proud of it. I can't fix the past, but I sure as hell could do something about the future."
Ororo suddenly became deflated and despondent and sunk further into the uncomfortable couch. She rubbed the spot between her brows in weary resignation. She thought about what she truly wanted and needed from Jean…accountability for her actions and genuine remorse. And it seemed like Jean was now offering, for what was maybe the first time in her life, true acceptance and repentance for her actions.
Ororo didn't know what it was, but maybe it was being faced with her own mortality due to the fact that their father wouldn't be with them for much longer. Or maybe it was the fact that she didn't want to expend any more energy being angry and caught up in the past. Or maybe it was the awareness while engaging in this confrontation, that life was too short and she needed to live one free of negativity and resentment, but she knew that it was time for her to let go and give Jean a second chance. They still had many issues to work out and a long road to travel in order to regain some aspect of their former relationship, but she was willing to step out on faith and extend an olive branch.
But first, she had to say the words that she had held in for so long. "I knew Dad was a different man once Mom passed away. One would have had to be blind not to notice that. With Dad a changed man, I had no one else except you to help me navigate life. I looked up to you. I depended on you for your strength and wisdom. When my parents died, Charles and Moira were my lifelines in the face of that tragedy. When Moira passed, I fully expected Charles to be my lifeline in the face of that heartbreak, but that was not to be the case. All I had left was you, Jean. All I had was you."
"And I failed you," Jean voiced softly.
Ororo continued as if she didn't hear her. "I realized long ago that I gave you too much control over my life once I took on the responsibilities that were yours." She stood slowly, expelling a gust of air through her lips. Her heart was heavy and her shoulders were laden with the rehashing of the past. It was time for her to let her sister know exactly what she wanted…needed from her. She gazed down at the troubled woman before her. She reached out a slender hand and rested it on Jean's slumped shoulder, causing the woman to raise tear stained eyes to her. In slow measured tones, Ororo said, "I got over your abandonment of me a long time ago, Jean. I had to in order to rough it through life with a child. But the one thing that hurt the most and that I never got pass was the fact that you left that sweet, innocent, precocious child without a single care in the world. You callously left your child to fend for himself, to get by however he may can. But thank the Goddess that I was there."
"I've already apologized for that," Jean said in a wispy voice.
"Yes you have. And that is all that I have ever wanted. All I wanted was for you to come clean and accept your responsibility for abandoning Nathan and all of us when we needed you the most." Ororo looked at the one woman whom, despite everything that has happened, she still loved. "It is my wish that you are sincere in wanting to make amends. It is my wish that you are genuine in wanting to build relationships with Nathan and me. It is my wish that when the going gets tough, you do not run away again."
All Jean could do at that point was shake her head wordlessly and vigorously as her emerald eyes glossed over with tears. "I am, 'Roro. I am."
Ororo stood staring down at her bereaved sister for a long time and couldn't help but feel a heavy wave of pity for her. At that moment, Jean was at her most vulnerable and she looked very much a woman who had suffered and paid the price for her poor choices. It was time…time to mend the damaged bridges and offer a second chance. Quietly, she reached out a hand for Jean to grab onto. With what can only be described as a befuddled expression, Jean looked first at the slender brown hand, then up to watery blue eyes. Then slowly, she grabbed onto the offered hand with a trembling limb of her own and Ororo tugged her slightly, encouraging her to stand.
There, as they kept a vigil at their father's deathbed, they succumb to the enormity of the moment and wrapped arms around each other. Holding on to each other as if they were each other's only remaining salvation in this cruel world. They were consumed with tears and sobs wracking their bodies, but the emotional release only served to help them with letting go of years of anger, guilt, bitterness and frustration.
Together, they relished the lightness that slowly took over their hearts. They simply allowed themselves to unchain themselves of the weight of the past. There was probably no way that they would ever recapture the relationship they once shared and there was definitely a rough hard road ahead of them to rebuild something akin to their former relationship, but as long as they were both ready and willing to try, then they knew it was going to be alright.
For how long they stood there, clinging to each other, they didn't know, but that's how Nathan and Logan found them when they arrived. Jean was the first one to pull away. She offered a teary, but bright smile to her sister and whispered a thank you to her. Ororo responded by placing a kiss to her wet cheeks before going to greet her men.
Ororo and Jean stayed at the hospital for the remainder of the day and well into the night. They disclosed to each other their weird feelings that their father wouldn't be in this world for much longer. Nathan had already said his goodbyes to his Grandfather and had left with Logan. As usual, they hated to leave her side, but her insistence that they leave had won out. As the night progressed and for lack of anything else to do, both Jean and Ororo confided more in each other. Jean told her all about her life abroad and her friendship with Sean Cassidy. Ororo in turn told her about her life as a young black woman raising a white boy calling her Mom. Jean even reiterated that she firmly believed that Logan and Ororo had loved each other since that Catskills summer. At the end, Ororo just shook her head and laughed it off, happy to at least have someone to confide in and share her grief with.
It was close to midnight when the doctor came out of the room and shut the door softly behind him. Hurriedly, he stuffed something into his pocket. He stared at the floor before looking up at the young women who had simultaneously jumped off their seats and were approaching him.
"He'd like to see both of you. I've given him something to help with the pain." The doctor met their eyes levelly and murmured sadly, "I think this is it."
Jean sobbed and reached out to grasp Ororo's hand. Holding onto each other, they went into the dim room. The machines were still beeping, but everything else was still.
Charles' head turned upon hearing their approach. "Come," he said weakly.
They went to different sides of the bed and sat down, each taking one of his hands in theirs.
"You both are so beautiful. The two most beautiful women in the world." His eyes closed and he drew a deep shuddering breath that terrified them. Then he opened his eyes again. "Promise me that the both of you would work out your issues."
"It's alright, Dad. 'Roro and I have reconciled our differences and are going to work it out," Jean interjected softly.
He sighed in obvious relief. "That is wonderful. Thank you. I will rest peacefully knowing that." He held onto their hands as tightly as his waning strength would allow. "I cannot begin to tell you how much joy the two of you have brought to my life. Thank you for that."
"We love you, Dad," Jean expelled on a shivering breath.
"We should be the ones thanking you, Dad." Ororo voiced, tears rolling down her face. "After my parents died, you took me in and treated me as your flesh and blood. There are not enough thanks in the world for what you have done for me."
He smiled gently at her. "It was my greatest pleasure, my dear. I want you to be happy," he rasped. "Even if it is with the Howlett chap," he added with a slight grimace. "You deserve nothing but the best and the greatest love."
Ororo gave him a slight smile. She took that as a cautious blessing of her relationship with Logan. "Thank you," she whispered. She brought his frail hand up to her lips, bestowing a gentle kiss.
Charles then turned to Jean…his miracle child. He clutched her hand. "My sweet baby girl, know that I love you and will always love you. Promise me that you would not let the guilt of what happened between us eat you alive and stop you from living a wonderful happy life. You too deserve to be loved and cherished."
Jean nodded and brought their joined hands up to her heart. She would promise him anything and it was a promise she intended to keep. "I will, Dad," she croaked. "I promise."
"Know that I am with both of you forever. And let Nathan know that he will always be in my heart," he whispered and his once handsome mouth curved into a gentle smile. Once more, he found the strength to hold their hands tightly. "I love you both. Love you both so much."
Then he closed his eyes. For one last time, fate was kind to Charles. He went to join his beloved wife Moira as he wanted to, with the knowledge that his family had reunited and with the visions of his daughters' beautiful faces.
Chapter 27 Sneak Peek – A funeral, a proposal and other surprises.