Look at me being back within a week. Yay.
This got longer than I expected, i guess you were lucky. But i had to cut out the last part and add it to next chapter which i plan to post next Satuday.
Thanks for the love :-*
NOT BETAED!
26. From love and hate
I pulled out my phone after I said goodbye to my friends, watching Andrea's, Leila's and Jose's car getting lost behind the next corner they turned, their party mood obvious through the music coming out of the radio.
My heart skipped a beat as usual when I heard Christian's voice on the other end of the phone, the butterflies flying through my clenched guts, silly happiness mixing with the determination I was feeling.
"Hey." He said sweetly, his smile audible and something that caused the blush on my cheeks. "I missed you."
"Hi." I let out with an odd high tone, carefully leaning back against the hood of my car so I wouldn't collapse thanks to my wobbly knees. "I missed you, too. Are you at home?"
"Yes, I just got home and brought Ellie to bed. How was the parent teacher meeting?" He asked, something rattling in the background before a faucet was running. He was probably washing some dishes, always so domestic and always so hot while doing so. Focus, Ana!
"Ah, it was interesting." I said, frowning at myself because interesting was definitely not what I would call the last two hours of my life. Odd maybe, or unnerving even, both adjectives fitting the person who had caused my distress, too. "We achieved a lot, though. So that's nice."
I achieved to shut your ex's cakehole like the savage I am apparently. Who knew I had it in me?
"You know that I will help, too, right? Anything you guys need, I am here for you." Christian offered sincerely on the other end of the phone, making me smile to myself as I looked down to my feet with which I was drawing tiny circles on the dusty floor beneath me, rapt in my thoughts.
"You are sweet. Thank you."
"Anything for you, baby." He laughed softly, that breathy, chilling sound that made goosebumps spread on my body as a shiver went down my spine, my nerves tingling with euphoria and arousal. I wondered if he knew what he was doing to be even if he was absent, but knowing how cocky he could be, I was sure he wasn't clueless about this, maybe even using it in his favor, that bastard. My sweet bastard, though.
"Are you at home?" He asked, the water sounds in the background stopping.
I looked up to the sky which was something between blue and purple with a touch of white clouds here and there, day transforming into night with crickets chirping in the trees and the last birds of the day flying through the windless evening sky. I didn't know why but suddenly I was feeling shy in my skin, my determination distracted with Christian being just Christian, something he didn't even cause deliberately for once, ergo not something I could blame him for, I could only blame the stupid feelings I had for him. And probably myself, but that wasn't important, right?
"Um, actually, I am still at the parking lot of Mrs. Williams'. And I was wondering if I could come over now." My voice got quieter at the end, a tiny whisper in the silence of the night, something I couldn't explain to myself since I wasn't asking a stranger if I could drop by, I was asking my freaking boyfriend after all.
"Of course, you can come over, Ana. You don't need to ask." He said reassuringly, maybe sensing my stupid shyness since he could read me like an open book. "Did you have something to eat yet? I can order us something from the Italian place you like so much. Or I can cook us something, however you want."
I sighed with relief, the mention of food making my stomach grumble, telling him that takeout was fine because I was craving pizza and I didn't want to wait any longer, using my secret weapon of mentioning that I hadn't eaten anything proper all day, something that always caught his attention, but secretly I had ulterior motives. I needed to talk to him, cooking would cause more distractions just like eating would, but I was only a human being in the end and my body needed food.
In my car, I suppressed the joy that spread in me like thick, sweet waves made out of cotton candy, something I usually felt when I was going to meet Christian, and concentrated on the determination I had gathered earlier, my mind buzzing with all the questions I deserved answers for – also the ones Christian had professionally managed to escape from answering until now. But his squirming behavior was only one more reason to get those answers, if he didn't want to talk about it, it only could be important.
Elena was an issue, he had said so himself, not just between him and her, or between Ellie and them, but also between Christian and his own father who was weirdly on her side of things even though she had cheated on his one and only son. I couldn't imagine Ray being on Christian's side if he ever should cheat on me, in fact I could more imagine Ray going all Rambo on his ass instead. Cheating didn't automatically mean that Elena was evil, of course, but the truth was harsh and blunt, Elena was a bitch in her daily life, no matter what she did to Christian or not. Why was Carrick insisting on being her one and only fan? He was no angel himself, he was the worst kind of bitch there was, the one you never see coming, the one with the thousand masks he uses before he reveals his ugly face, at least Elena had the guts to be brutally honest in her bitchiness, not bothering hiding something she carried with pride, credits for that. Did they get along so well that he would even chose her over his own kid? I couldn't possibly imagine that, but I was only naive old me, so what did I know?
Nothing because my boyfriend refuses to answer my questions. Grrr.
Ah, passive aggressiveness, just the thing I needed for tonight's mission of getting Christian to talk. It kept up my determination, so I was thankful for that.
I tried not to look too grim when Christian opened the door with his warm smiles and kisses, hugging me tightly, his hand on the small of my back and dangerously close to the hem of my jeans where a small part of my skin was peeking thanks to my risen shirt, He smelled of Christian, manly yet sweet, in the crook of his neck, the light skin there taunting me so I couldn't resist gently kissing it once, twice and a damned third time just because I was an addict.
"Hmm." He let out a soft grunt in the back of his throat, his lips gently brushing over the side of my head as his hands slowly dipped lower, lower enough to grasp my jeans clothed ass, caressing me in a timid rhythm.
"Hi." I mumbled against his skin, feeling his shoulders shake underneath my arms when he laughed, my fingers in his dark copper curls.
"Hi, too." He whispered, making me giggle like a silly school girl, my determination shrinking underneath the immediate attraction I felt in his presence. I resisted the forbidden fruit like a pro, though, slowly pushing him away, something he noted with a puzzled expression.
"Did you order our food yet?" I asked, distracting him like he usually did with me, before I stepped inside, taking of my shoes as he closed the door behind us. Ellie's backpack and shoes were resting at the foot of a cluttered dresser, I placed my shoes beside hers.
"I did, yes. It should be here in half an hour. Do you want something to drink?" Christian asked when he lead me to his kitchen, the dishes he had washed while we had talked over the phone drying on a kitchen towel spread on the counter. I took my usual seat at the kitchen island, hanging my purse over the back of the stool, as Christian served me a cup of peach flavored ice tea, opening a bottle of beer for himself.
His arms circled me from behind as I took a sip of my drink, my heart fluttering when I felt his lips on my flushed cheeks. I tried not to choke on the delicious ice tea, carefully placing my glass in front of me before I turned around in my seat so I could face him, capturing his lips in a quick kiss. The butterflies went crazy inside me, those damned bastards.
"I really missed you, Miss Steele." Christian mumbled in between kisses, his voice low and full of all the dirty things I would like him to do to me or the other way around, whatever came first.
"I missed you, too." I whispered, his stubbly jaw scratching the skin on my hands as I grasped his face.
"Happy to hear that." He smiled as he rubbed his nose against mine, making me giggle as we Eskimo kissed like silly teenagers.
"Ellie is asleep?" I asked as I laid my arms around his neck, one of his hands playing with a strand of my hair, his expression distracted before he looked into my eyes with his gray ones, oddly intense as usual. A dirty grin spread on his face, the smug bastard resurfacing from wherever he had been hiding.
"Why? Do you intend to be naughty?" He asked, waggling his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes at him, not opposed with the idea of being naughty with him sans clothes, but obviously that wasn't the reason why I had asked if Ellie was sleeping.
"No, I was just wondering why the only person I wanted to see didn't greet me." I feigned disappointment, watching him narrow his eyes at me with pursed lips.
"The only person you wanted to see, huh?" He muttered, although his tone was playful and his eyes were sparkling with humor. "Don't make me jealous of my own daughter, woman."
"Not my problem if you didn't already know about my priorities." I said with a shrug, earning a pinch on my hip, something that made me yelp in surprise.
"As much as I love Ellie being a priority in your life, I can't stop being irrationally jealous about it. What are you doing to me, Miss Steele?" He mumbled, more to himself as he regarded me with a thoughtful look, before capturing my lips in a hasty kiss, wet and wild, deliciously sexy and just Christian, mmhhh.
All coherent thoughts on my mind went woosh, making room for nothing but arousal and attraction, my toes curling as a feeling as sweet as syrup pulsed inside every limb of mine, numbing and reviving at the same time – a perfect description of our relationship, now that I thought about it. Being with Christian was easy and complicated at the same time, his presence intoxicating and consuming just as liberating and cleansing, his attention distracting and illuminating, his affection addictive and emancipating – he made me feel even, in balance.
As my heart went bonkers in my chest, he bit my bottom lip gently, kissing it once, twice, his skin blushed just like mine as he let go off me with dazed eyes, mumbling something about dinner first before he reached for his beer to take a long sip. I mirrored his action, needing the smooth and cold liquid to calm me down.
"So, what did you decide on today? Did the play get all thumbs up like I assumed it would?" Christian asked as he sat down beside me on a stool, his was of trying to distract us from the thick tension in the air between us, something I was very grateful for.
"It got mixed reactions at first, but in the end they seemed to be okay with it. They were surprisingly eager to help." I said, telling him about all the food we had planned for the graduation party, Christian once again offering his help.
"And Elena? Did she behave herself?" He asked through clenched teeth, his tone audibly sour when he said his ex's name, something I was used to already. His mood usually took a nosedive whenever Elena came up.
Here we go, I thought with an internal sigh, preparing myself for the battle.
"Well, I am not going to lie. She was... difficult, but we had a successful evening even though she nagged about everything." I said nonchalantly, shrugging.
Christian's eyes narrowed, his jaw clenching.
"I didn't expect anything else from her. I'm sorry you had to go through that because of me." He said, forcing a smile, his hand gently patting my arm, slowly grazing it.
I had to be very careful for my next step, he hadn't yet tried to change the subject and I had to keep it that way. Armoring myself with feigned naivety, I smiled up at him, my words meant to encourage him.
"It's not your fault, really. I would have met her either way, she is the mother of one of my students, after all." I shrugged, taking a sip of my drink. His hand made its way up to my hair, his fingers twirling one brown strand, something that made my scalp tingle.
"She would have been far more affable if she didn't see you just as my new girlfriend. As affable as Elena can be, of course." Christian mumbled, the last part accompanied by an eye roll, before he leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to my cheek, the skin underneath his lips aflame the second he touched me. "I wish you didn't have to meet my ex. I can't even imagine what meeting your ex would be like."
His lips brushed over the skin on my chin, slowly leading up to my jaw, kisses, small and innocent ones, pressed against my heated flesh, his lips finally finding my ear where he whispered flirty words, my heart going bonkers as I grasped the edge of my stool tightly, his distraction showing effects. Damn.
"You know how jealous I can be. I would see red if I ever met a man who has touched you like I do now." I heard him gulp loudly, crunching with his teeth as he tried to suppress his anger, my lips parted as I could only pant with sudden arousal pulsing inside me. I was a pathetic puppet in his talented hands and that bastard knew it, enjoyed it even.
"You do it better." I whispered with a rough voice, tilting my head back so he had more access of the sensitive skin on my neck where his lips and teeth had their merry way with me, the thought to remind him not to leave a mark crossing my mind, but I was too wrapped in his cocoon of sharp lust to care.
"Still I would beat him to a pulp." Christian grumbled, his hands suddenly grasping my face, making me look into his firm gray eyes, not to be messed.
"You are mine." He said, his brows furrowed as he looked somewhere between bewildered and ecstatic, before his lips crashed against mine, a wet and loud kiss with tongues fighting as they circled each other, teeth clashing, the presence of the stool underneath me appreciated since I couldn't feel my bones and muscles anymore, only his lips on mine of importance.
He is doing it again. For fuck's sake.
With every drop of willpower I had, I found the determination of earlier in me again, cursing myself stupid as I really pushed my hot boyfriend and his sinfully erotic lips away from me, wondering if I was mentally stable to teach little children since I wasn't making sense with my decisions lately, or at least with the last one. I tried to convince me that there were far more important things than having dirty, hot, hard, fast, or slow, or any way we liked sex with Christian Grey.
Talking about the issues between us, between him and his father – which wouldn't have concerned me if said father hadn't talked to me about it, unlike his son -, and between him and his ex was more important since it always came up whenever I least expected it. I needed to know more about their story because I needed to know why Carrick would choose his son's cheating ex over his own flesh and blood, I needed to know why Christian was so indignant to talk about said cheating ex, otherwise I would feel like she had the upper hand whenever we met and I didn't really like being kept in the dark since that usually caused paranoia – paranoid me was not fun to be around, trust me.
Christian looked at me like I had grown two more heads, immediately dropping his hands from my face and asking me if everything was alright, if he did something wrong like the gentleman he was.
"No, no, everything is alright. We were just... talking, that's all." I bit my lip, watching one of his eyebrows go high up on his forehead.
"We can talk later." He said with a shrug, going for another kiss which I ditched surprisingly like a pro.
"Oh come on." I scoffed, crossing my arms at my chest as if they could protect me from him ripping off my clothes. "We both know we won't do any talking later if we do this."
"What exactly do you want to talk about?" Christian asked, obviously bemused, standing up from his seat before he strolled over to the other side of the kitchen island, as always defensive. "I didn't know you actually enjoy talking about work and my ex more than you enjoy kissing me. Thanks for that."
Is this how it will go? Fine. I can do defensive and angry, too.
"What's with the attitude? You act like I committed a crime." I snapped, furrowing my brows at him. "I know you don't enjoy talking about her or any important issue in general, but the truth is we have to talk about whatever problems she brings along."
"What's with my attitude? What about yours? You know I don't like to talk about her, you know I don't like her name mentioned in my life, and you know exactly what problems she has caused in the past. Can't you understand that I don't like talking about her?" His voice got unnecessarily louder like a bratty child trying to fill the emptiness of his words with the volume of them, my irritation intensifying thanks to his stupid behavior. The skin around my neck and face got fifty shades of red, my natural instinct getting louder myself but I professionally suppressed it when I remembered that Ellie was sleeping upstairs. No need for her to wake up and see her father being an asshole.
"Doesn't mean we don't have to talk about her at one point. Especially when she is ever so present in your life no matter what you try to do since you have a kid with her. Not mentioning her won't make her disappear, Christian." I said, trying to sound reasonable, sighing to calm myself down. "You can't run away from the obvious problems she causes, you can't not and you shouldn't have in the past."
He narrowed his eyes at me, his jaw clenched as he suddenly tilted his head.
"Is that what you think? That I ran away from her or any problems?" He asked, suspiciously quiet as he regarded me through squeezed eyes.
"No, that's not what I think." I squirmed underneath his look, having kept that detail of that night for myself until now. I hadn't wanted to bother Christian with yet another problem he liked to run away from, especially after noticing the tension between him and his father. I was in no way protecting Carrick, God knew he didn't deserve it, but I had been trying to be the bigger person and not nag about him to my boyfriend.
"It's just... Elena is mentioned wherever I go and you keep dodging that topic, so I just got thinking why you aren't talking about her and I don't know, it got me paranoid. Plus now I see her at work regularly, too." I scoffed, slouching my shoulders as I felt weirdly defeated, the firm determination of earlier gone.
"I don't mention her, you are the one keeping mentioning her." Christian argued, pursing his lips at me.
"Well, your Dad mentioned her." I snapped with furrowed brows, not liking the way he sounded like he was accusing me.
"Yes, I told you that..." He began with an eye roll, making me interrupt him, feeling impatient now.
"It wasn't personal, yes. But that's not really an explanation, is it? Beside I wasn't speaking about his little show at the table. He told me to know my place and he practically warned me not to mess with Ellie's relationship with her mother, thinking that somehow I had dubious plans about kicking Elena out of her own daughter's life."
"When did he tell you that? Ana, he shouldn't have talked to you about this. It isn't his business, for fuck's sake." He said, ruffing his hair, the way his eyes darted left and right as he squirmed underneath my look making obvious that he was looking for a way out of this.
No chances there, buddy.
I gulped down the hard knot in the back of my throat, suddenly feeling insecure since I got right in the middle of something I had tried to avoid. With a loud sigh, I decided that if I wanted to talk about Elena tonight, I had to mention Carrick in any case since he seemed to be her biggest fan around.
"Well, he did already, didn't he? To be honest, I am not even angry at him because at least he talked to me about Elena. That way I found out that your ex fears that I am trying to replace her in Ellie's life. Something you have never mentioned, something I am not even sure you were aware of. He told me that..., more like warned me even, that I shouldn't ever dare to sabotage Ellie's relationship with her mother. I should also know my place, as if I don't already know it. When I told him that Elena was the only one ruining her relationship with her daughter, he said that I only knew the things you told me about your ex. Then he made weird and vacuous accusations of how you were responsible for your divorce while she was the one cheating on you." I said, letting out my anger, not directed at him or Carrick, not even directed at Elena, just letting out the frustration and intimidation I had suffered in the last few months because of said woman.
I was only human in the end, I needed to release the load of negativity crammed in my body and mind.
"This is why I don't want her mentioned. Don't you see? She causes problems wherever she is. My father shouldn't have attacked you like that and knowing him and Elena, it's easy to assume that she probably has talked to him about her fears, knowing that he wouldn't let it go. Don't you see it? She manipulated my father so he would go against you at the very first dinner we all had together. This is what she does all the time, manipulate and hurt people." He fumed with a clenched jaw.
"Don't you understand, Christian? The way you keep avoiding talking about her and the way your father protected her, it just makes me feel... insecure. As if there is something big you are hiding, as if it affects me, as if it would... change the way things are right now, which is the last thing I want because things are going great with us." I asked with a whiny voice as he looked at me with an apologetic expression on his face, his gray eyes softer now.
"And I know that sounds totally selfish, but I think I get to be selfish for once, especially with something so precious concerned, well this is precious to me, you are precious to me and so is Ellie." I mumbled when he just starred at me with slightly parted lips, his eyes glassy with something I couldn't name, my heart pumping feverish blood through my body, my skin flushing. In my frustration, I had revealed more than I had planned, the cat was officially out of the bag, but I tried not to dwell on the sudden outburst, maybe that was the way things were meant to happen, knowing me I never would have found the guts to actually confess my feelings for him.
Well, if you can call You are precious to me a real confession of feelings.
"You are precious to me, too." Christian whispered after what felt like an eternity of painful silence, my heart resting as relief flooded my body, his silence had made my already paranoid mind go bonkers, scenarios of rejections passing by my eyes one after another.
I didn't even bother suppressing the grin spreading on my cheeks, something he mirrored quickly.
"Yay." I mumbled goofily, watching him slander to my side of the kitchen counter, his eyes captivating mine as his delicious smell filled my nostrils. I closed my eyes, feeling in peace with myself, when he gently kissed my forehead, inhaling deeply, his arms circling my body, mine around his waist as I pressed my cheek against his chest where his heart beat underneath, the heart I was very fond of.
"Ana, I am sorry that you have to go through all of this, I am sorry that I have an ex whom you have to encounter regularly and I am sorry that my own father made you feel like shit. This is not what you deserve, you out of all people deserve someone who brings along less garbage, but I am a selfish human being, even though I don't deserve you, I want you. And mostly I need you." He muttered into my hair, my scalp tingling when I felt yet another kiss, his voice giving away the embarrassment he was feeling.
"I don't mind garbage, as long as I get you with it." I said with a shrug, his chest vibrating as he snickered lightly. "I just need to know the garbage so I can face it properly, you know? And don't you ever dare to say that you don't deserve me, us. You out of all the people deserve happiness."
"You make me happy, that's right." He smiled as he tilted my chin with one finger, his eyes sparkling with the coziness of something only Christian could provide, safety and just the feeling of coming home after a long day.
"I have a deal." He said, his finger brushing over the sensitive skin of my bottom lip, his eyes darting back and forth between mine and my mouth. "I will tell you about all the garbage accompanying me, but first I want to feed you. You said you haven't eaten all day, our food should be here any minute, and I just want to have a quiet dinner a deux. Okay?"
"But if you try to distract me afterward I will leave." I said with a pointed finger, making him promise me on his life that he wouldn't do such a thing, granting us both the yummy food and the quiet conversation since we had a storm to face afterward.
When our bellies were full and sated, Christian kept his promise like the honest man he was, sipping at his beer a last time before he placed his empty bottle in front of himself on the kitchen island. I waited patiently for him to begin, trying to give him as much room as possible.
He sighed, tiredly brushing over his face before he began to talk with a thoughtful look.
"I don't remember the exact moment, but I remember waking up one day and thinking, shit. I looked to my left, saw that the bed was empty beside me since Elena had been at a business meeting overseas or whatever the hell she was doing, Ellie was already up and about, looting inside the walk-in-closet as she babbled and babbled, trying to wake me up, and I remember thinking, shit, here we go again. There was nothing different about that day, it was as ordinary as it could get, I woke up to the sounds of Ellie, had breakfast with her, bathed and dressed her, took her to kindergarten, took care of the chores and groceries, picked Ellie up in the evening and drove to my parents for dinner since Elena was missing once again, and in the end of the night I returned home with my daughter and put her to bed where she asked me about the whereabouts of her mother, nothing unusual." He scoffed, more to himself, as he played with the fork on his empty play in thoughts.
"On that day I realized that everything I did all day was always about the needs of other people, and I am not speaking about Ellie here since she is only a child. I tended to my daughter's needs because I was the only one she had, I took her to kindergarten because I was the only active parent in her life, I ran the house because I was the only one really giving a fuck about it. I asked myself if this would be how my life would go on and end eventually, imagining Ellie going off to college which would leave a big hole in my daily life, Elena probably as busy as always. I asked myself what I would do then. Would my dull days become even duller? I had no idea, and to be honest, I was scared of the answer because deep down I was sure that it had only one possible outcome."
"You felt trapped." I whispered softly, not wanting to scare him away as if my loud voice could do that. The pizza felt heavy in my stomach now, but that also could have been the new information I was getting from Christian.
"Exactly." He nodded at me, sighing again. "It's a scary thing, really, that feeling of being trapped. I felt like I had no importance in the world or in my marriage, beside keeping up the good image and our house clean. I had Ellie, of course, and I loved her dearly, but I felt lonely, Elena only giving a fuck about me when she dragged me to one of her never ending events. I felt like an accessory on her arm, the pretty face who was taking care of her kid and house while she was climbing up the mountain of success, something I had always supported, but something that had quickly become a priority in her life."
Christian snorted with an eye roll, making me look at him questioningly.
"Don't get me wrong. At that point of our marriage, we were long past of being in love, we were just co-existing, bound by a child, but while a marriage can survive the loss of love, it can't survive the loss of respect. Elena didn't respect or appreciate me, she proved that spectacularly when she cheated on me, but what worse was that Ellie suffered underneath her lack of interest in our marriage, just like mine. I was resigned, not really bothered by Elena's presence or absence, our marriage functioning like a well-wrought robot until then, just like she was ignoring me when we weren't fighting or talking about Ellie, only noticing my presence when she was displeased with something at home. We were not meant to be, now I know that, we should have broken up long before we got married, we shouldn't have let people talk us into getting married or having a child, but we did because we were stupid enough to think we were the same people we had been in high-school. She had grown into an ambitious, strong persona, something I had always respected, but as soon as her new self turned against me, I lost all fond feelings for her."
"Who talked you into marriage?" I asked, horrified at that thought, imagining a young Christian and Elena feeling constrained to get married. He was opening up more and more, I wondered if our little confession had caused this and if it had been the way to get him to talk all along.
"Our parents and friends? Society? Life itself? I don't remember exactly, but it felt like the right thing to do, the only thing left to do beside breaking up. My father wasn't pleased, not at all, he couldn't see why I would choose to get married right after graduation, he was already displeased with my degree and my lack of interest for achieving a career like his. I never dreamt about becoming successful, I didn't value it like the way he did, and I think I had my head high in the clouds, imagining an ordinary but happy life, simple maybe, but unlike my father and Elena, I enjoyed simplicity. The more successful Elena became, the more she became the child he had always wanted, ambitious, cunning and tenacious, all things I never had been. They bonded quickly, which is why they still count themselves as friends, something I never have quite got used to, but in a way I have always understood why they would get along so well." He said with a shrug, circling the wet spot his beer had left behind on the table with the tip of one of his fingers, as I watched him with keen interest.
"They seem to have similar character traits. Both very... strong." I said, unsure what else to call them beside the not so nice options going on inside my head.
He nodded, rolling his eyes again as he snorted.
"Which is why they know each other pretty well. Well enough to know how to manipulate each other in a way, just like Elena did last weekend probably. My father, no matter how much he cares about Ellie and no matter how brazen he can be, wouldn't have attacked you publicly if Elena hadn't planted a seed of doubt in his head, a skill she has mastered a long time ago. When we decided to have a kid, something we had once again been told to do since it was the only thing which could save our failing marriage, and I decided to quit my job to take care of Ellie since Elena's was too much of an importance to her, she was the one persuading my father that it was a good idea, to this day I have no idea how she did that."
"Your father didn't approve?" I asked, wondering why Carrick thought he had the right to decide over the lives of others.
"No, he didn't. I was once again failing him, failing myself by doing everything the easy way." Christian narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. "I have stopped trying to please my father a long time ago, but back then it sure hurt my mood. Ellie brought some kind of happiness to our marriage, but it was short lived. We distanced from each other again, only fighting whenever we talked, a pattern was created in which I was the caregiver of Ellie and Elena was the one paying our bills, something she reminded me at any occasion and something which hurt my pride, not because she was a woman, but because the person I had a kid with was treating me like I was only one of her employees, nothing more. I didn't expect love from her at that point, for fuck's sake I had no love to give myself at that time, but I expected respect, deserved it even. The feeling of being trapped intensified with each passing day, I was feeling more and more lonely, my suppressed feelings finally breaking out of the prison I had build myself when I..."
Before he even spoke the next words, I knew what was coming, the darker color of his eyes trying to hide the sadness and embarrassment from me as he gulped down hardly. My heart squeezed painfully, I didn't even want to imagine what I would have done in his place.
"Well, when I caught Elena cheating on me. I felt humiliated, unloved, as if I had no meaning in my life, only Ellie keeping me up from going mental. My marriage was officially over, I don't know if Elena had planned that or why she hadn't ended our marriage herself sooner than that because it was no secret that she was just as unhappy as me. I know it's not an excuse, but a reason for what she did, so I can at least understand that, but I wish things hadn't ended that way. I hated her, I truly did, Ana. For what she had done to me, for what she had done to Ellie. I didn't want to spend another minute married to her, something you can assume that my father wasn't pleased with, either. When he told me that I at least should have fought for my marriage just because Elena was successful enough to tolerate her mistakes, I told him that if he couldn't see that we had been fighting to stay married for the past few years, then he was more blind than he knew. I told him that if he wanted to keep call me his son, he better knew where the boundaries lied, I was done with him protecting my ex. I wanted to be happy and I wanted Ellie to be happy, I knew that a terrible marriage with her mother wouldn't make her happy, even if that was what people tried to talk me into." The determination in his eyes was inspiring, a father putting his daughter's needs above anything else, and more importantly a man putting his own needs and health above society's standards.
In that moment, I was sure that I was truly and honestly in love with Christian Grey. My heart swelled three times it size in my chest, beating frantically in excitement, something I had been feeling all along, but something I hadn't dare to name until now.
I reached over and squeezed his hand gently with mine, in awe with him now more than ever.
"You are one of the strongest people I know." I whispered, gulping down the need to cry out of the sudden, earning a sorry smile from him.
"I wish that was true, Ana. I have failed Ellie on so many occasions, if you only knew."
"But you never stopped fighting for her. You endured a terrible marriage for her, not because you thought it was what society expected you to do or what your father wanted you to do, you endured a problematic relationship just because you wanted to give your daughter a family. And when the time came, you were clever enough to know that sometimes family doesn't provide happiness, happiness doesn't have to be a mother and a father, especially not when those two don't love and respect each other. You knew when to get out of it, once again thinking of Ellie's happiness." I tried to encourage him, our fingers entwined in a tight grasp.
He scoffed, his lips curled down in a displeased frown.
"I regretted it. For a short moment I regretted getting divorced, not because I loved or missed Elena, but because I had at least been ignorant to the harsh truth of responsibility, I had at least felt like things were going the right way. And what is worse, for a short moment, I regretted having a child. I wondered what would have happened if Ellie had never been born, I wondered what I would have become if Elena and I got divorced without Ellie in the picture, imagining being free of responsibilities and just free, something I had never been truly. I realized that, just like my father had always said, I was in the exact spot I had been before marrying Elena while she had build herself a professional career, our marriage only giving me Ellie, whom I loved dearly, but for a short moment, I blamed her even."
"Christian." I whispered, my guts tying in a knot as his confession shocked me. "But that was short lived, wasn't it? You were a divorcee, you weren't in the position to make coherent decisions mainly because you were going through a heart break, a divorce."
"But I did. Foolishly I thought building a new life would be easy, I had been taking care of Ellie all along, Elena had never been truly present after all, but I soon realized that while I barely managed to pay my bills between work and taking care of Ellie, Elena was living her life, finally free enough to concentrate on her career. I realized that I was stuck, once again, this time the very thing I had tried to make happy holding me down, and in that horrible moment, I blamed Ellie. As if the poor thing didn't suffer enough already, we were seeing therapist after therapist, the divorce heavy on her tiny soul. She had always been a sweet kid, never causing problems, but when Elena and I got divorced, she started to think that we didn't love her just because we didn't love each other anymore."
"You changed your life overnight, you had a kid to take care of. It's perfectly normal to be overwhelmed with the responsibilities, Christian. Your divorce wasn't easy on any of you. Don't blame yourself for being human." I whispered sympathetically, earning a grim look as he withdrew his hand from mine to ruff his hair with a frustrated sigh.
"The second things got hard, I abandoned her, Ana. She had always been a sweet girl, but after the divorce she threw tantrums, cried a lot, started nagging, just like she did one day at the supermarket when I refused to buy her favorite cereal. I was running short on money, I had only started working at the repair shop since I didn't want to ride the alimony pony, and the more she cried, the more trapped I felt."
My heart skipped beats as I realized that he was telling me the very first story I had heard about him.
"I ran away from my problems just like my father told you I did. I ran away the second things got hard, I ran away when she needed me most, Ana. What kind of parent does that?"
"The type that keeps trying to do his best ever since, Christian. Don't you see? You weren't yourself back then, you were heart broken, your pride was hurt and you didn't know what your life could look like the next day. Plus you had a kid to take care of and the responsibilities accompanying it. You have come a long way since then. I don't know who that man was, but I know you now. Now you would never do something like that and now you do your best to take care of your daughter." I gulped down the dry feeling in my mouth, suddenly tears swimming in my eyes. "You have your mistakes, Christian, but so does everybody else. You are only human and you are trying your best with Ellie, you are a great father with the way you care for her and with the way you love her unconditionally like any sane parent should do. You have managed to build a new life for her, with her, you have survived an awful relationship and you have managed to put yourself first for once, too. That doesn't make you weak or bad, that makes you human and I..., I love you just because of all of these."
Woosh. The floor beneath my feet vanished, the ground opening to swallow me in a pit made out of sweet cotton candy, the words leaving my mouth sneakily, unintentionally, but oh so welcome, my emotions peaked in the moment in which I had to make the man I loved love himself for what he was, a genuine, caring, honest and brave father. It didn't feel rushed, it didn't feel wrong, it felt... just right as if we were made to say these words in this exact moment, the universe playing its little game all along just so we could end up here in his kitchen with empty plates in front of us and hearts full of love beating in us. For the first time in my life, I didn't think, I just did what I did, knowing well that he felt the same way, the look in his eyes giving him away, the look he had always given me, but the one I had not seen until now.
Love.
It was easy, only when it was not, just like Christian.
"I love you." I said again, more firmly now, my nerves frantic in my body as my determination to make him talk transformed into determination to make him understand.
He looked at me with widen eyes, his hair standing still in the middle of ruffing his hair again, a nervous gesture, suddenly all frustration leaving his expression.
"You do?" He whispered, not daring to move from his spot, a funny picture since he didn't move his arms either.
"Yes, I do. Because you are a great father, because you are a strong person, because you are selfless, because you are honest, because you have a dirty mind whenever we have sex or any other time things get heated, because you know how to make me laugh no matter how I feel, because... the list is endless. I just love you." I smiled, shrugging, pleased with my answer.
Christian mirrored my smile, his arms slowly dropping down to his sides, the tips of his ears reddening as his smile turned into a goofy grin, his next words coming out of his lips as easy as this thing between us was.
"I love you, too."
Daddy C's ass belongs to me for this chapter ;) I'm feeling selfish.
Yup. They said it. Yay.
Until next time,
Melii xoxo
PS. Last time I said there were only 2 chapters left, but it was actually 3. Now its 2.